Yes, it was Tony Hart that gave Dr. Nostrum's his first break in the entertainment business, in his very first solo series too, also occasioning (now there's a word that always looks wrong) the purchase of a Video Tape machine, by Ma and Pa Nostrum, to record the young Dr.'s breakthrough moment. We were the first house on the street to have such a machine and none of the neighbours were invited round to see it, seeing as we were a somewhat anti-social family.
Anyhow, the familiar strains of 'Marguerite' began and after several dull but worthy pictures passed us by, there was young Dr. Nostrum (aged 6) Art Work, peering at us through the magic of the television screen for at least 6 or 7 seconds. I would have worn the tape out watching it over and over again had the machine not broken within a month. In my memory the drawing was a beach scene, depicting some stick like figures floating precariously above their sun loungers in the late afternoon sun, but according to my mother it was a precocious work of great merit that would have stood the test of time had it not been chucked in the bin immediately after the show was filmed.
I had some history, you see, having had a piece exhibited at the Royal Academy aged 4, but I can't credit that with any furthering of my ambition as I don't remember it and my parents didn't keep the picture or any record of it ever actually happening. Readers of the blog may notice uncorroborated stories from my childhood here and there - the most odd being the place of my birth changing over the years, my mother never being easy to pin down, the only constant being the day.
I digress. Tony Hart, then, had given me my first taste of fame and my journey had begun. I remember him fondly (perhaps not as fondly as he looked like he might remember the many small boys he helped reach for the star) especially his white line paintings on huge brownfield sites, they linger like the Chalk Hill Drawings except in the sense that I can't remember a single one of them, just that he did them. In truth I preferred Wilf Lunn.
But Tony brought us Morph, in much the same way Tracey Ullman gave us The Simpsons, and made it through Mr. Bennett's complaints, then went on to Hart Beat which strangely became a cop show in later years.
So, goodbye Tony. I hope God has a white line painting machine for you to join up all the constellations for us in the heavens. I shall keep my eyes peeled.
Sunday 18 January 2009
All Talk 55 - 2009 Predictions - Death By Practical Joke Part of The Law Commission Review
HUTCHBACK
Maybe there isn’t that much of a distance between a really bad practical joke and murder. There isn’t you know, a really bad practical joke often could end in death. So, at what point do you stop being a practical joker and become a murderer?
DR. NOSTRUM
What, like the second world war?
HUTCHBACK
No, but, you know, like accidentally pushing someone off the edge of a cliff, sort of thing, as a practical joke. I mean, that’s an extreme version of pushing someone off something.
DR. NOSTRUM
So is it called a practical joke because you’ve done something?
HUTCHBACK
Yes.
DR. NOSTRUM
You’ve actually practically done something?
HUTCHBACK
No, no, no, no, no.
DR. NOSTRUM
You’ve pushed someone over.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah. It’s physical humour.
DR. NOSTRUM
Physical humour, so as opposed to a, um...
HUTCHBACK
As opposed to a verbal joke, that’s why it’s called a practical joke.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, I wasn’t thinking verbal joke, no, cos then the difference would be a physical joke and a verbal joke. No, I was thinking, as opposed to a, um, metaphorical joke.
HUTCHBACK
(more mocking) A metaphorical physical joke, where you do an action that is a metaphor for something funny. No, I don’t think so.
DR. NOSTRUM
I don’t think there is a metaphorical joke is there? Oh, no! A literal joke, that’s what I meant, the difference between literal and metaphorical as opposed to between practical.. so there’s a practical..
HUTCHBACK
There’s a practical and an impractical joke.
DR. NOSTRUM
Impractical joke, that’s it.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, an impractical joke, one that’s just slightly too burdensome to undertake.
DR. NOSTRUM
Hmm. Why are they called practical jokes?
HUTCHBACK
Cause they’re physical!
DR. NOSTRUM
So why aren’t they called physical jokes?
HUTCHBACK
I don’t know! I’m not a linguist.
DR. NOSTRUM
Practical Jokes. They always seemed a bit of a leap. I never, I mean, as far as I know, I never played one.
HUTCHBACK
You’ve never played a practical joke?
DR. NOSTRUM
No, I don’t think so.
HUTCHBACK
You’ve never put a bucket of water.. a bucket full of nails...
DR. NOSTRUM
...over...
HUTCHBACK
See, that’s it: bucket full of water; practical joke, bucket full of razor blades; murder.
DR. NOSTRUM
Hmm.
HUTCHBACK
So, it would be quite good to find out at what point it becomes murder, in the eyes of the law. See.
DR. NOSTRUM
Ah, as opposed to manslaughter?
HUTCHBACK
Yes.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, but they’re doing that now, they’re putting a category between murder and manslaughter – practical...
HUTCHBACK
Practical joke. Practical Joke Murder.
DR. NOSTRUM
...because murder was too far away from manslaughter.
HUTCHBACK
Right. But that’s not bad, working out the exact point at which a practical joke..
DR. NOSTRUM
No, but they’re doing that, they’re doing that.
HUTCHBACK
What do you mean they’re doing that?!
DR. NOSTRUM
It’s part of the Law Commission Review at the moment..
HUTCHBACK
For Practical Jokes?
DR. NOSTRUM
No! Not practical jokes, but the idea that there’s a big gap between murder and manslaughter.
HUTCHBACK
Oh, yeah, that, but it’s nothing to do with practical jokes.
DR. NOSTRUM
But that must come into it.
HUTCHBACK
That probably does come into it.
DR. NOSTRUM
If your defense is that it was a practical joke that went wrong..
HUTCHBACK
No, no, no, cause manslaughter, you can be done for manslaughter for stabbing someone, that’s clearly not a joke.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, but you didn’t mean to kill them. Manslaughter is anything where you didn’t mean to kill them, right?
HUTCHBACK
Yes...
DR. NOSTRUM
I don’t know, we need our advisor.
HUTCHBACK
...but what I’m saying is that if you can be done for manslaughter for
stabbing someone there is no practical joke you can ever think of that would end up with a murder conviction because the intention of stabbing someone is much greater than the intention of leaving a sword poking up out of a staircase...
DR. NOSTRUM
I don’t think...
HUTCHBACK
There’s no way anybody would get done for murder for that.
DR. NOSTRUM
...not that our legal advisor...
HUTCHBACK
They wouldn’t get done for anything.
DR. NOSTRUM
...not that our legal advisor is here, but I have a feeling that stabbing someone and not meaning to kill them isn’t manslaughter..
HUTCHBACK
It is manslaughter.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, it’s attempted murder.
HUTCHBACK
No, it’s manslaughter. Because if they die, the often get done for manslaughter.
DR. NOSTRUM
Really?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh.
HUTCHBACK
Like that guy..
DR. NOSTRUM
So there’s no point in trying to figure out where practical jokes become murder cause they never will.
HUTCHBACK
That’s true. (thinks) No, no, pushing someone off a cliff is murder.
DR. NOSTRUM
But what’s the difference between that and stabbing them?
HUTCHBACK
No, because...
DR. NOSTRUM
(gets it) Oh! Because you know it’s going to kill them
HUTCHBACK
...because you know that if you push someone off a cliff it’ll kill
them.
DR. NOSTRUM
But only at some deep level, so, maybe there is a point, there is somewhere between the cliff and the bucket of nails?
HUTCHBACK
It’s how high.
DR. NOSTRUM
How high the cliff is.
HUTCHBACK
You can actually measure it on how high the cliff is; at what point you know the drop will be enough to probably kill them. See, that’s it. That’s exactly how you work out the difference between a practical joke and..
DR. NOSTRUM
That would be some court case.
HUTCHBACK
It’s the height of a cliff.
DR. NOSTRUM
Ok.
HUTCHBACK
It’ll be the height of the cliff. I’m pleased with that.
DR. NOSTRUM
That’s one. What else is there?
HUTCHBACK
One what?
DR. NOSTRUM
That’s one..
HUTCHBACK
..Prediction for 2009!
DR. NOSTRUM
Practical Jokes will appear as a new category of Homicide under the Law commission review.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
There you go.
HUTCHBACK
And murders will be rated in cliff height.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, it’s not that. It’s the height of the cliff defense.
HUTCHBACK
Ok, so also, the other one will be the, er, the weight of the big black weight thing that you balance on the door. Up to 5 kilos and over 5 kilos it’s murder.
DR. NOSTRUM
So then it becomes ‘The Practical Joke Defense’?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
“My client didn’t know...
HUTCHBACK
...that the weight would kill him.” Yeah. It was just done as a joke...
DR. NOSTRUM
“...he’d seen on television a one ton weight falling..
HUTCHBACK
That’s it, “He’d been watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon earlier in the week...”
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, “...where Tom survived several..
HUTCHBACK
“...and seen Tom survived several one ton weights being dropped on him.”
DR. NOSTRUM
“And didn’t realise the one ton weight was hollow.”
HUTCHBACK
Huh?
DR. NOSTRUM
Didn’t realise the one ton weight was hollow.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, “didn’t realise it was a drawing.”
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, yeah, but even the real life ones.
HUTCHBACK
They did a real life Tom and Jerry?
DR. NOSTRUM
No! You know those sketch shows where they drop a huge one ton.. you know, the old Monty Python’s.
HUTCHBACK
Oh, Yeah. “He was watching Monty Python and didn’t realise the giant foot...
DR. NOSTRUM
No, not the cartoon, the real one!
HUTCHBACK
Yeah alright. No, they must’ve had one where they had a real giant foot falling on them, didn’t they?
DR. NOSTRUM
No, I don’t think so, feet were too difficult.
HUTCHBACK
The feet were too difficult back then, back in those days.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. Well, there’s one prediction.
HUTCHBACK
One prediction for 2009.
All Talk 53 - A Gap In The Murder Business
DR. NOSTRUM
So, your idea for a Dragon’s Den business is good, you know, murdering.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
I like it, he comes in with someone and he murders them, you know, he kills them, the panel say “Well, it’s very efficient, it’s quite good.” And he says “Well, I can do a lot of it.”
HUTCHBACK
Yeah “But what kind of annual turnover do you think you can get out of that?” “Well, I reckon I could charge 10 grand...”
DR. NOSTRUM
Mm
HUTCHBACK
“...10 grand’s a reasonable amount for a murder, depending on the, you know, er, the difficulty, maybe up to 30. I reckon I could do one a night, maybe two a night.”
DR. NOSTRUM
I like your two-fer, you know, 9 and you get the 10th one free.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, and then, “Yeah, we have a loyalty scheme. If someone has had me murder 9 people, you get the 10th one free.”
DR. NOSTRUM
Or if you do a family?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, “If you do a big family, we’ll...
DR. NOSTRUM
..throw in the Grandma
HUTCHBACK
...throw in the children.” Yeah, “throw in the Grandma.”
DR. NOSTRUM
We’ve got, er...
HUTCHBACK
“Maybe witnesses?”
DR. NOSTRUM
There’s that thing, you know, having watched the programme, one of the things the really don’t like is when they ask them weel, what is the money for? You know, they ask them to break down the money and he says “Well, you know I’d want 30 grand out of that for me..” and they hate that and they’re “So you want me to pay you, just to pay you to live? I’m not putting any money into the business...”
HUTCHBACK
What about the marketing?
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah all that, “I hate that selfishness in people, you want to take my money, my children’s money...” That fucking Theo Paphites, yeah, I’m sure he’s giving his children money every saying “This is your money that I’m not giving to people on Dragon’s Den.”
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, they’re saying “So you’re not putting any money into your equipment, you know, you’re starting off with a knife. How much volume can you get with that? Surely you want to be expanding your operation, going into machine guns...”
DR. NOSTRUM
Taking on apprentices.
HUTCHBACK
...yeah, “taking on staff...”
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, for the British market, those business ideas are good...
HUTCHBACK
“How are you going to franchise it? You need to franchise it out” We want to be able to get the hat, the bag...
DR. NOSTRUM
You know, the person that’s pitching, you’d pixilated their face. You’d do it properly. Re-animating dead people’s not a bad one.
HUTCHBACK
Hmm.
DR. NOSTRUM
It’s not a business idea though. Murdering’s a good business idea.
HUTCHBACK
It’s good.
DR. NOSTRUM
Assassins. It’s a business.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah. “But rather than just being a hired murderer, we’re intending to give a full service. 24 hour hotline...” you know all that.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.
HUTCHBACK
“Money back guarantee, service with a smile.”
DR. NOSTRUM
Mm.
HUTCHBACK
I reckon that would be quite a good business.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, I think it is a good business. Probably, it is a good business.
HUTCHBACK
Sure.
DR. NOSTRUM
What other businesses are there like that? Whore house I s’pose?
HUTCHBACK
Prostitution, yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Porn films?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well bringing someone on and murdering them’s a good pitch. “I enjoyed your presentation.”
HUTCHBACK
“It was a very arresting presentation.”
DR. NOSTRUM
“We like you as a person.”
HUTCHBACK
Yeah. “I’d hire you, but I don’t think your projections are in any way realistic. How you think you can value your business at 2 million pounds is beyond me. Go away, do your sums, kill a few more people, get a bit better at it...”
DR. NOSTRUM
Some publicity.
HUTCHBACK
“...get your advertising right, then come back.” “You’re telling me people aren’t just going to go out and murder their own victims, see, that’s where it all falls apart.”
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, “Why should they come to you?”
HUTCHBACK
“Why should they come to you? Surely any murderous thug would go out and kill their own victim?”
DR. NOSTRUM
Mm. It is cheaper. But there are pitfalls. So, you know, that’s probably one of the advantages of the business, if you can point out how you keep the identity of the client completely anonymous...
HUTCHBACK
Mm
DR. NOSTRUM
“Oh, no, it works, because we don’t know the identity of the client.” That probably would be a good idea, in terms of murdering, if you don’t know who’s asking you to kill someone. Why don’t they do that in films? That’s where it always falls down, that the murderer knows who it is who’s hired them.
HUTCHBACK
No, that isn’t where it falls down. It falls down because usually the person being murdered has some connection with the person doing the murdering.
DR. NOSTRUM
But, what if you set up a business for just random murders?
HUTCHBACK
Random murders?! Just go out and murder someone just for fun? Just for fun? Yeah, that would work, but, a bit pointless really. It’s like, basically, “Are you a homicidal maniac? Yes? To scared to do your own murder, then come to us. We’ll do it for you. We’ll kill a random person...
DR. NOSTRUM
That’s right.
HUTCHBACK
...and it will never get back to you. We’ll just send you the video”.
DR. NOSTRUM
That’s probably a business.
HUTCHBACK
And that’s your business.
DR. NOSTRUM
See, that’s an advance on Assassination and it’s quite current.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
You present it as a vicarious pleasure business.
HUTCHBACK
Mm. Mm.
DR. NOSTRUM
I’m not sure about posting the video to someone. I think you’d probably want to leave it. No, but they’d want to know you did it.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Otherwise you could just sit there with the money.
HUTCHBACK
No, you could just put it up on YouTube.
DR. NOSTRUM
YouTube? That’s alright.
HUTCHBACK
Perfect.
DR. NOSTRUM
And if you cut at the right moment, there’s nothing criminal about it.
HUTCHBACK
(witheringly) Except the person on the video then was found dead somewhere.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, but that’s alright. Well, no, I suppose it’s not alright.
HUTCHBACK
(mimicking) “That’s alright, we can get around that.” No, well, what you do then, is get some other random person to put the video up on YouTube, via another random person. So you’re just paying someone to pay someone to put a video up on YouTube. And they don’t know what the video’s of.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, but I remember Inspector Quantum saying that, apart from the most important thing in Homeland Security being the quality of the Airbed you’ve got, all that jealousy going on in Homeland Security about whether you’ve got a foot-pump or a compressor for you air bed..
HUTCHBACK
Well, it’s very important.
DR. NOSTRUM
It is very important, when you’re trying to keep peace in the world. It’s either terrifying or very reassuring to think that the people trying to kill us are the same as Inspector Quantum, I’m not sure which. Anyway, no, random murdering, he was saying that that is where it falls down, that mostly they know, people know the people they kill...
HUTCHBACK
Mm.
DR. NOSTRUM
...and it’s easier to catch them because of that. But if you don’t know who you’re hiring and you don’t know who they’re killing, that is not bad. That’s not a bad premise for a business.
HUTCHBACK
I think we’ve got a business there.
So, your idea for a Dragon’s Den business is good, you know, murdering.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
I like it, he comes in with someone and he murders them, you know, he kills them, the panel say “Well, it’s very efficient, it’s quite good.” And he says “Well, I can do a lot of it.”
HUTCHBACK
Yeah “But what kind of annual turnover do you think you can get out of that?” “Well, I reckon I could charge 10 grand...”
DR. NOSTRUM
Mm
HUTCHBACK
“...10 grand’s a reasonable amount for a murder, depending on the, you know, er, the difficulty, maybe up to 30. I reckon I could do one a night, maybe two a night.”
DR. NOSTRUM
I like your two-fer, you know, 9 and you get the 10th one free.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, and then, “Yeah, we have a loyalty scheme. If someone has had me murder 9 people, you get the 10th one free.”
DR. NOSTRUM
Or if you do a family?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, “If you do a big family, we’ll...
DR. NOSTRUM
..throw in the Grandma
HUTCHBACK
...throw in the children.” Yeah, “throw in the Grandma.”
DR. NOSTRUM
We’ve got, er...
HUTCHBACK
“Maybe witnesses?”
DR. NOSTRUM
There’s that thing, you know, having watched the programme, one of the things the really don’t like is when they ask them weel, what is the money for? You know, they ask them to break down the money and he says “Well, you know I’d want 30 grand out of that for me..” and they hate that and they’re “So you want me to pay you, just to pay you to live? I’m not putting any money into the business...”
HUTCHBACK
What about the marketing?
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah all that, “I hate that selfishness in people, you want to take my money, my children’s money...” That fucking Theo Paphites, yeah, I’m sure he’s giving his children money every saying “This is your money that I’m not giving to people on Dragon’s Den.”
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, they’re saying “So you’re not putting any money into your equipment, you know, you’re starting off with a knife. How much volume can you get with that? Surely you want to be expanding your operation, going into machine guns...”
DR. NOSTRUM
Taking on apprentices.
HUTCHBACK
...yeah, “taking on staff...”
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, for the British market, those business ideas are good...
HUTCHBACK
“How are you going to franchise it? You need to franchise it out” We want to be able to get the hat, the bag...
DR. NOSTRUM
You know, the person that’s pitching, you’d pixilated their face. You’d do it properly. Re-animating dead people’s not a bad one.
HUTCHBACK
Hmm.
DR. NOSTRUM
It’s not a business idea though. Murdering’s a good business idea.
HUTCHBACK
It’s good.
DR. NOSTRUM
Assassins. It’s a business.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah. “But rather than just being a hired murderer, we’re intending to give a full service. 24 hour hotline...” you know all that.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.
HUTCHBACK
“Money back guarantee, service with a smile.”
DR. NOSTRUM
Mm.
HUTCHBACK
I reckon that would be quite a good business.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, I think it is a good business. Probably, it is a good business.
HUTCHBACK
Sure.
DR. NOSTRUM
What other businesses are there like that? Whore house I s’pose?
HUTCHBACK
Prostitution, yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Porn films?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well bringing someone on and murdering them’s a good pitch. “I enjoyed your presentation.”
HUTCHBACK
“It was a very arresting presentation.”
DR. NOSTRUM
“We like you as a person.”
HUTCHBACK
Yeah. “I’d hire you, but I don’t think your projections are in any way realistic. How you think you can value your business at 2 million pounds is beyond me. Go away, do your sums, kill a few more people, get a bit better at it...”
DR. NOSTRUM
Some publicity.
HUTCHBACK
“...get your advertising right, then come back.” “You’re telling me people aren’t just going to go out and murder their own victims, see, that’s where it all falls apart.”
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, “Why should they come to you?”
HUTCHBACK
“Why should they come to you? Surely any murderous thug would go out and kill their own victim?”
DR. NOSTRUM
Mm. It is cheaper. But there are pitfalls. So, you know, that’s probably one of the advantages of the business, if you can point out how you keep the identity of the client completely anonymous...
HUTCHBACK
Mm
DR. NOSTRUM
“Oh, no, it works, because we don’t know the identity of the client.” That probably would be a good idea, in terms of murdering, if you don’t know who’s asking you to kill someone. Why don’t they do that in films? That’s where it always falls down, that the murderer knows who it is who’s hired them.
HUTCHBACK
No, that isn’t where it falls down. It falls down because usually the person being murdered has some connection with the person doing the murdering.
DR. NOSTRUM
But, what if you set up a business for just random murders?
HUTCHBACK
Random murders?! Just go out and murder someone just for fun? Just for fun? Yeah, that would work, but, a bit pointless really. It’s like, basically, “Are you a homicidal maniac? Yes? To scared to do your own murder, then come to us. We’ll do it for you. We’ll kill a random person...
DR. NOSTRUM
That’s right.
HUTCHBACK
...and it will never get back to you. We’ll just send you the video”.
DR. NOSTRUM
That’s probably a business.
HUTCHBACK
And that’s your business.
DR. NOSTRUM
See, that’s an advance on Assassination and it’s quite current.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
You present it as a vicarious pleasure business.
HUTCHBACK
Mm. Mm.
DR. NOSTRUM
I’m not sure about posting the video to someone. I think you’d probably want to leave it. No, but they’d want to know you did it.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Otherwise you could just sit there with the money.
HUTCHBACK
No, you could just put it up on YouTube.
DR. NOSTRUM
YouTube? That’s alright.
HUTCHBACK
Perfect.
DR. NOSTRUM
And if you cut at the right moment, there’s nothing criminal about it.
HUTCHBACK
(witheringly) Except the person on the video then was found dead somewhere.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, but that’s alright. Well, no, I suppose it’s not alright.
HUTCHBACK
(mimicking) “That’s alright, we can get around that.” No, well, what you do then, is get some other random person to put the video up on YouTube, via another random person. So you’re just paying someone to pay someone to put a video up on YouTube. And they don’t know what the video’s of.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, but I remember Inspector Quantum saying that, apart from the most important thing in Homeland Security being the quality of the Airbed you’ve got, all that jealousy going on in Homeland Security about whether you’ve got a foot-pump or a compressor for you air bed..
HUTCHBACK
Well, it’s very important.
DR. NOSTRUM
It is very important, when you’re trying to keep peace in the world. It’s either terrifying or very reassuring to think that the people trying to kill us are the same as Inspector Quantum, I’m not sure which. Anyway, no, random murdering, he was saying that that is where it falls down, that mostly they know, people know the people they kill...
HUTCHBACK
Mm.
DR. NOSTRUM
...and it’s easier to catch them because of that. But if you don’t know who you’re hiring and you don’t know who they’re killing, that is not bad. That’s not a bad premise for a business.
HUTCHBACK
I think we’ve got a business there.
All Talk 51 - Josef Frtizl's Dungeon Incest Community Legacy
DR. NOSTRUM
I was thinking, in good taste actually, that bloke in Austria who, er, imprisoned his daughter and had kids by her, er, that there must be a lot of people out there with their children imprisoned who they’ve had kids with, they’re sitting in fear. Cause you know, with the Austrians saying, “This can never happen again!” they’re thinking, you know, “Blimey, they’re starting to catch us.”
HUTCHBACK
Yup.
DR. NOSTRUM
Can you imagine the internal panic of the people out there who are doing this, knowing one of their brethren got caught. Who else would it actually bother? I don’t think it’ll bother anyone else that he got caught.
HUTCHBACK
Yes. But, unfortunately the police weren’t really on the case.
DR. NOSTRUM
I don’t see how they could have been on the case though.
HUTCHBACK
No, unfortunately they weren’t on the case. The fact that they, um, neglected to, um..
DR. NOSTRUM
(he’s forgotten to honour HUTCHBACK’s rule to remove all shoes in the cellar) Do you have to take your shoes off if you sit still?
HUTCHBACK
Yes. They.. the fact that they neglected to do any kind of surveillance on the ‘Dungeon Children Support Group’ that he ran...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.
HUTCHBACK
...you know, like a social club...
DR. NOSTRUM
Social experiment.
HUTCHBACK
...Social club for people who like imprisoning their children...
DR. NOSTRUM
See, I imagine there is a network.
HUTCHBACK
...and then meet up every, er, couple of months...
DR. NOSTRUM
And have a wife swap parties.
HUTCHBACK
...and swap children; children swapping parties. You know, here’s the keys to my dungeon, you give me the keys to.. Yeah, just basically you have a bowl and, um, you pick the keys out of the bowl and that’s the cellar you go to that night. They probably have them.
(long pause)
DR. NOSTRUM
Odd thing to do...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
...in some ways, you know, really. I was thinking that maybe what it was, was that the guy just couldn’t, er, kill them, so he had to keep them alive...
DR. NOSTRUM
He couldn’t bring himself to kill them...
DR. NOSTRUM
No. that’s what I was thinking.
HUTCHBACK
...cause he was..
DR. NOSTRUM
Too kind.
HUTCHBACK
He was too kind. Too nice. He was just that little bit too nice.
DR. NOSTRUM
He couldn’t go the whole hog. Cause M said to me that she couldn’t think of anything worse, but, of course it could have been a lot worse, (pause for thought) you know, it can always be worse. That’s the lesson, it can always be worse.
HUTCHBACK
Everything. Anything. No matter how bad something is, there’s always something worse.
DR. NOSTRUM
That’s right.
HUTCHBACK
What’s the worst..
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, you get a lot of time for contemplation, er, in those circumstances, I suppose, the girl.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah. You know, you’re living with, basically, er, a group of incest born half-wits..
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, we don’t know that, they might be very smart.
HUTCHBACK
No, but probably...
DR. NOSTRUM
Troglodytes.
HUTCHBACK
Troglodytes, who can’t speak, who are your children, you know. (the DOCTOR chuckles) You know, it’s kind of (pause) Anthropology. It’s like living Anthropology.
DR. NOSTRUM
Actually, the picture of the guy, he does look evil. He had killers eyes...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
...like the Pope, er, except he wasn’t a killer so there’s a lie there, somewhere.
HUTCHBACK
He had Dungeon Master’s Eyes.
DR. NOSTRUM
Dungeon Master’s Eyes. He had a good head of hair though
HUTCHBACK
He had a fine moustache...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah
HUTCHBACK
...and a good head of hair. In fact, his daughter might have fancied him in different circumstances, you never know.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, if he was a younger man, (pause) well, he was once.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, when she was a younger girl.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, but tastes change.
HUTCHBACK
Well, when you get to a certain age a good head of hair...
DR. NOSTRUM
Important. No, but I thought...
HUTCHBACK
...it’s quite a plus point.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, but the thing is, he just ran out of steam, the guy. If he’d have just persisted for another 10 years, he’d have been dead and no-one would have known.
HUTCHBACK
They'd have all...
DR. NOSTRUM
Rotted...
HUTCHBACK
...starved to death.
DR. NOSTRUM
...starved to death and no-one would have known, ever, until they dug it up, like that school in Jersey. Oh, no, lots of people knew about that.
HUTCHBACK
They all just kept it quiet. Yeah, well, ok, there you go.
DR. NOSTRUM
So, there we go.
HUTCHBACK
Life’s a big shit sandwich, sprinkled with urine.
DR. NOSTRUM
Not pleasant really; comedy out of misery, but...
HUTCHBACK
No, but all comedy comes from misery.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, and do you think the more miserable it is, the funnier it is?
HUTCHBACK
No. In our case, no.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, whose case would it be yes?
HUTCHBACK
Well, let’s say...
DR. NOSTRUM
If you were a Nazi party comedian making great humor out of when you pulled out the teeth of your former friends...
I was thinking, in good taste actually, that bloke in Austria who, er, imprisoned his daughter and had kids by her, er, that there must be a lot of people out there with their children imprisoned who they’ve had kids with, they’re sitting in fear. Cause you know, with the Austrians saying, “This can never happen again!” they’re thinking, you know, “Blimey, they’re starting to catch us.”
HUTCHBACK
Yup.
DR. NOSTRUM
Can you imagine the internal panic of the people out there who are doing this, knowing one of their brethren got caught. Who else would it actually bother? I don’t think it’ll bother anyone else that he got caught.
HUTCHBACK
Yes. But, unfortunately the police weren’t really on the case.
DR. NOSTRUM
I don’t see how they could have been on the case though.
HUTCHBACK
No, unfortunately they weren’t on the case. The fact that they, um, neglected to, um..
DR. NOSTRUM
(he’s forgotten to honour HUTCHBACK’s rule to remove all shoes in the cellar) Do you have to take your shoes off if you sit still?
HUTCHBACK
Yes. They.. the fact that they neglected to do any kind of surveillance on the ‘Dungeon Children Support Group’ that he ran...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.
HUTCHBACK
...you know, like a social club...
DR. NOSTRUM
Social experiment.
HUTCHBACK
...Social club for people who like imprisoning their children...
DR. NOSTRUM
See, I imagine there is a network.
HUTCHBACK
...and then meet up every, er, couple of months...
DR. NOSTRUM
And have a wife swap parties.
HUTCHBACK
...and swap children; children swapping parties. You know, here’s the keys to my dungeon, you give me the keys to.. Yeah, just basically you have a bowl and, um, you pick the keys out of the bowl and that’s the cellar you go to that night. They probably have them.
(long pause)
DR. NOSTRUM
Odd thing to do...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
...in some ways, you know, really. I was thinking that maybe what it was, was that the guy just couldn’t, er, kill them, so he had to keep them alive...
DR. NOSTRUM
He couldn’t bring himself to kill them...
DR. NOSTRUM
No. that’s what I was thinking.
HUTCHBACK
...cause he was..
DR. NOSTRUM
Too kind.
HUTCHBACK
He was too kind. Too nice. He was just that little bit too nice.
DR. NOSTRUM
He couldn’t go the whole hog. Cause M said to me that she couldn’t think of anything worse, but, of course it could have been a lot worse, (pause for thought) you know, it can always be worse. That’s the lesson, it can always be worse.
HUTCHBACK
Everything. Anything. No matter how bad something is, there’s always something worse.
DR. NOSTRUM
That’s right.
HUTCHBACK
What’s the worst..
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, you get a lot of time for contemplation, er, in those circumstances, I suppose, the girl.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah. You know, you’re living with, basically, er, a group of incest born half-wits..
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, we don’t know that, they might be very smart.
HUTCHBACK
No, but probably...
DR. NOSTRUM
Troglodytes.
HUTCHBACK
Troglodytes, who can’t speak, who are your children, you know. (the DOCTOR chuckles) You know, it’s kind of (pause) Anthropology. It’s like living Anthropology.
DR. NOSTRUM
Actually, the picture of the guy, he does look evil. He had killers eyes...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
...like the Pope, er, except he wasn’t a killer so there’s a lie there, somewhere.
HUTCHBACK
He had Dungeon Master’s Eyes.
DR. NOSTRUM
Dungeon Master’s Eyes. He had a good head of hair though
HUTCHBACK
He had a fine moustache...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah
HUTCHBACK
...and a good head of hair. In fact, his daughter might have fancied him in different circumstances, you never know.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, if he was a younger man, (pause) well, he was once.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, when she was a younger girl.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, but tastes change.
HUTCHBACK
Well, when you get to a certain age a good head of hair...
DR. NOSTRUM
Important. No, but I thought...
HUTCHBACK
...it’s quite a plus point.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, but the thing is, he just ran out of steam, the guy. If he’d have just persisted for another 10 years, he’d have been dead and no-one would have known.
HUTCHBACK
They'd have all...
DR. NOSTRUM
Rotted...
HUTCHBACK
...starved to death.
DR. NOSTRUM
...starved to death and no-one would have known, ever, until they dug it up, like that school in Jersey. Oh, no, lots of people knew about that.
HUTCHBACK
They all just kept it quiet. Yeah, well, ok, there you go.
DR. NOSTRUM
So, there we go.
HUTCHBACK
Life’s a big shit sandwich, sprinkled with urine.
DR. NOSTRUM
Not pleasant really; comedy out of misery, but...
HUTCHBACK
No, but all comedy comes from misery.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, and do you think the more miserable it is, the funnier it is?
HUTCHBACK
No. In our case, no.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, whose case would it be yes?
HUTCHBACK
Well, let’s say...
DR. NOSTRUM
If you were a Nazi party comedian making great humor out of when you pulled out the teeth of your former friends...
All Talk 54 - God, The Single Parent Family
DR. NOSTRUM
It’s very unfortunate, you know, twice I’ve been down here to do this and they're probably the only two times in recent history that M’s been annoyed at me. But, oh boy, just, how not to be a cunt?
HUTCHBACK
Lessons in not being a cunt. You can follow this every week as DR. NOSTRUM tries to be less of a cunt.
DR. NOSTRUM
I’ll achieve it.
HUTCHBACK
Follow his progress...
DR. NOSTRUM
Towards sainthood. Cos that really is the apotheosis of not being a cunt.
HUTCHBACK
Yes.
DR. NOSTRUM
It’s sainthood.
HUTCHBACK
Although, according to the bible, that probably isn’t the biblical definition.
DR. NOSTRUM
What? How Jesus was described?
HUTCHBACK
He was the least cunt-like out there.
DR. NOSTRUM
That’s right.
HUTCHBACK
That’s why he was the son of god.
DR. NOSTRUM
Sure. Cos the Son of God...
HUTCHBACK
Shouldn’t be a cunt.
DR. NOSTRUM
No.
HUTCHBACK
Or, rarely. Very rarely should he be a cunt.
DR. NOSTRUM
Did he have just one son?
HUTCHBACK
Did he have j..! No, cos there was that Holy Ghost bloke, wasn’t there? Wasn’t he like a half son?
DR. NOSTRUM
I think ‘only children’ are not great. I think you should always have more than one child, if you’ve got the choice. God, if God had had the choice he’d have probably had more than one son.
HUTCHBACK
If only God existed, then everything would be alright.
DR. NOSTRUM
So, God was a single parent family.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
So actually, that should be enshrined in the bible. Don’t you think that it should be enshrined in the Bible above marriage, if we are to live in the image of God that He was a single parent family?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
And in fact it was the Father that got custody
HUTCHBACK
(reading off the ceefax window on the TV – june 2008 remember - there’s a game show going on) Bank states that credit fears are overstated. (he turns the TV back to the show with the sound off - a game show is on)
DR. NOSTRUM
What is this, ‘Children against an Indian’?
HUTCHBACK
I have no idea
DR. NOSTRUM
Ah, no, no, it's “Are you smarter than an immigrant?’ could be a BNP programme.
HUTCHBACK
And on that note
DR. NOSTRUM
Good night.
Mutya Marginalises Midgets
Dr. Nostrum was delighted to hear Mutya Buena (Sugarbabes) nominate Verne Troyer for eviction in UK Celebrity Big Brother because she feels uncomfortable around midgets. Despite her best efforts, cracks in her thus far peerless demeanor are beginning to show. Meanwhile, Tina Malone seems to be resembling a shaved Silverback more and more as the days pass, it was edifying to see her bite her toenails and a blessed relief that she wasn't naked at the time, I fear television sets across the country may have cracked.
All Talk 52 - American Inventor's Next Winner and Hutchback solves America's gas dependency
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, this is what I was thinking, the guy walks in to American Inventor – “Who Are You?” and, er, what did I call him, er, Burt Flahruum, it doesn’t matter, some schmuck...
HUTCHBACK
A schlemiel I think, he should be.
DR. NOSTRUM
And he’s carrying a bag of dog shit in one hand and, right...
HUTCHBACK
A bag of dog shit.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, but this is the sketch, he’s carrying a bag of dog shit in one hand, he’s carrying sort of longish tube, with a few wires on it and lights and things like that in the other hand...
HUTCHBACK
Mm
DR. NOSTRUM
...now, this is what I thought it would be. “Who are you and what’s your invention?” and the guy’s like, “Oh, well, it’s easier if I show you.” and he sort of clumsily balances the tube on one knee..
HUTCHBACK
No, I think you’ve got it wrong.
DR. NOSTRUM
What, what bit?
HUTCHBACK
No, no, re-start that. No, he just comes in with the machine...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah
HUTCHBACK
...ok, he comes in with the machine..
DR. NOSTRUM
No, but the way the show works..
HUTCHBACK
No. Wait, wait! This is better, (pause) he comes in with the machine... (the DR knows where HUTCHBACK is going)
DR. NOSTRUM
He takes a shit. Yeah, I’m there, I got there ahead of you, but I thought, there was another way round that, but ok, if you could put that on as a sketch; he drops his trousers and he takes a shit, after he’s introduced.. But, I actually feel..
HUTCHBACK
In fact, it’s better if he doesn’t come in with the machine at first, he gets..
DR. NOSTRUM
Maybe he just puts it somewhere?
HUTCHBACK
No, no, he just comes in, and then..
DR. NOSTRUM
“Who are you?”
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, “Who are you?” “I’ve got this invention.”
DR. NOSTRUM
He drops his trousers..
HUTCHBACK
He drops his.. no, he puts a piece of paper on the floor...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.
HUTCHBACK
Drops his trousers and does a shit on the paper. And they’re just sitting there dumbfounded...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.
HUTCHBACK
And he’s “oh, sorry, sorry, forgot..” and he goes out and brings in this machine...
DR. NOSTRUM
Ok
HUTCHBACK
So, “Oh, I can understand that might look a bit strange.” And he gets up, gets the machine and brings it in and then he says, “Now, watch this.” and he pours the shit in.. he picks up the piece of paper..
DR. NOSTRUM
He makes a U out of the thing, carefully, balancing the machine on his leg...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
...carefully makes a U out of the piece of paper, pours the shit in, then you have a cut, flashing lights on the tube and then out drops a...
TOGETHER
...bar of gold...
DR. NOSTRUM
...right, so that was the thing...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
...that was the sketch. Now, now I sat.. No, no, no..
HUTCHBACK
And that’s comedy!
DR. NOSTRUM
No, that wasn’t the end...
HUTCHBACK
No.
DR. NOSTRUM
...that’s not the end of the sketch.
HUTCHBACK
No, that’s not the end.
DR. NOSTRUM
I’d sanitised it by saying, you know, he’s holding a dog shit, or, “My dog’s outside, it did this earlier.” So you can sanitise it for BBC or whatever.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
Or any actor that doesn’t want to take a shit on the floor, but, um, admittedly you may, you know...
HUTCHBACK
There aren’t that..
DR. NOSTRUM
...to audition that you’d have to go for...
HUTCHBACK
Well, you know, you just say...
DR. NOSTRUM
...coprophiliacs, er, porn..
HUTCHBACK
...eat a big lunch and don’t go to the toilet before the audition.
DR. NOSTRUM
I suppose you could just cut.. you could cut. But anyway, I just thought..
HUTCHBACK
You do it with special effects, you can do anything with special effects...
DR. NOSTRUM
Anyway, so...
HUTCHBACK
If you can animate Godzilla, they can make a shit come out of someone’s arse.
DR. NOSTRUM
Anyway, he slides the shit into the tube, flashing lights, and out drops a bar of gold and I thought the thing, I don’t know how you’d do this but thing.. you know the panel of four in American Inventor they’ve got, um, Stan Croce, Peter Jones, er, currently they’ve got, er...
HUTCHBACK
And Simon Cowell.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, he’s not, no, no, no...
HUTCHBACK
Oh alright, but you could have him.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, they’ve got a good guy anyway – George Foreman..
HUTCHBACK
George Fore..? George Formby?
DR. NOSTRUM
...Foreman and, oh, er, some woman, right?
HUTCHBACK
Some woman! Some plump bird, some twonk!
DR. NOSTRUM
Right?
HUTCHBACK
Some Bird!
HUTCHBACK
But, basically, Peter Jones, so he’s leaning in; “That’s very interesting. So,” um, er, “what do you plan to do with it?” No, cause this is, I thought the quiz is, I thought they quiz him about the prospects, you know, and what his financial projections are and things like this, and he’s.. and the guy who invented it is, “Well, I dunno.” You know, “I dunno, I just.. I don’t know what to do with it, I just thought it was a good idea.” And then, Tim Croce, er, what’s his name, Stan Croce says, um, I think it’s Tim Croce..
HUTCHBACK
(with American Inventor accent) “I can’t see the point of that.”
DR. NOSTRUM
No, you see.. well, that, but; “It’s ridiculous, cause if you turn shit into gold, you instantly de-value gold to the level of shit so no-one will be interested in it.” But George Foreman; “Well, I disagree. Americans love gold, it’s shiny,” and this sort of thing “and I think it’ll be a great success!” And then the guy says, “Well, I suppose I could tweak it to make diamonds.” And Croce says, “Well, it’s the same principle. Whatever you turn shit into is instantly only as valuable as shit so there’s no prospects for the machine” (pause) So they pass on it.
HUTCHBACK
Ah, but if you could turn shit into petrol, well, that’s fantastic.
DR. NOSTRUM
Ok, well, if you can do that. Maybe they can give him development money.
HUTCHBACK
That’s not bad, that’s actually a good invention I’ve just come up with there.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well I think someone’s doing that aren’t they? Don’t they do that anyway?
HUTCHBACK
No, I don’t think so.
DR. NOSTRUM
But anyway..
HUTCHBACK
I’ve just invented something! I’ve got to get on that American Inventor! I should get on that show, turning shit into petrol.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well that is.. like that guy.. cos really, really, all you need to do, you go there with a drawing. I mean I couldn’t believe that, it’s so patronizing to everybody – some guy, just cos he’s deaf, he can come in with a drawing of something that doesn’t exist and they say “That’s Fantastic!” “What a great idea that is!”..
HUTCHBACK
And what was it?
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, it was a thing that when people would talk an LED matrix would show what they were saying, but he didn’t invent anything, he just came up with the idea and he drew it and the only descriptive thing on the drawing was an arrow pointed to the machine saying “Comfortable handles for holding” that was the only information that was in any way technical on this board, you know, that was his invention. So you know, and he had tears in his eyes and they thought, “oh, this is a wonderful idea.” and you know..
HUTCHBACK
Did they give him the money?
DR. NOSTRUM
And that’s what made me think, you know, you could go on there with any idea...
HUTCHBACK
Shit into gold.
DR. NOSTRUM
...you just draw it on a piece of paper. Shit into gold. It’s good, it’s funnier than shit into petrol. Shit into petrol is useful, but shit into gold is funny.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
That’s the lesson of comedy.
HUTCHBACK
No, but I’m not saying this for the comedy, I’m gonna go and bloody..
DR. NOSTRUM
Work on it.
HUTCHBACK
Tell them. Yeah I’m gonna work on it..
DR. NOSTRUM
You’ve got to save all your shit.
HUTCHBACK
I’m gonna profit fr.. I’m gonna work on it.
DR. NOSTRUM
You’ll tell Mrs. Hutchback “Sweetheart, I want you to shit in this bucket.
HUTCHBACK
Shit in a cup and save it.
DR. NOSTRUM
Meanwhile.
HUTCHBACK
Can you imagine the development process for that? It’d be very, kind of, tiring and very unpleasant.
DR. NOSTRUM
The next inventor comes, a frumpy ginger haired woman comes in with a..
HUTCHBACK
How about a guy who turns gold into shit? That’d be just as incredible, but not as good.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, at least you could use it for something, horse manure. You could use it for growing plants or something. But, um, woman comes in, small box with a big red button on it, stands there, pushes the button – disappears. Rematerializes behind them and they’re like ‘Oh, this is your invention?” “Yes”. She’s invented teleportation, she’s got no prospects, no idea how to use it – pass on it. Someone comes in, he feeds rubbish into a chute, lightbulb comes on – free energy, but in fact he’s surpassed that, because if there’s no connection between the supply and the bulb, that’s the best you can do..
HUTCHBACK
Oh, well (grumbles discontentment at this premise)
DR. NOSTRUM
..so someone’s invented that, they do that – not interested. Then, you know, 50 year old teacher, he’s spent 20 years in a cupboard working on a lint roller that picks up cat hair from velvet, and that’s the one they go for.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
All Talk 50 - Saggy Pants Seniors, The Male Miniskirt
DAY 3 – June 2008
DR. NOSTRUM is opening a snack packet, and the sound of the bag rustling accompanies the first few stanzas.
HUTCHBACK
That would be quite good, a good rule in your life; if you were so narcissistic that you would only speak when you knew there was a microphone.. when there was a tape running. (puts on pompous voice) “Because what I have to say must be recorded.” Alright, I’ll try one of these. I think I did once...
DR. NOSTRUM
I think they’re very nice...
HUTCHBACK
...I think I quite liked them.
DR. NOSTRUM
...and very healthy.
HUTCHBACK
Healthy! Bollocks they’re healthy.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, the reason I bought these is that it said ‘corn’ and not ‘potato’, so I thought “oh, that must be better than crisps.”
HUTCHBACK
Bollocks
DR. NOSTRUM
That’s why they put it! I reckon that’s why they put it; to get the health kick people.
HUTCHBACK
Nik-Naks are not targeted at, er, at yer health conscious.
DR. NOSTRUM
So why would they mention that they’re corn? Who cares?
HUTCHBACK
Right, so. Anyway.
DR. NOSTRUM
Fashion.
HUTCHBACK
Fashion.
DR. NOSTRUM
Fashion for the next Geriatrics. People who keep their fashion all their life are quite interesting.
HUTCHBACK
Mm. yeah, well (puts on ironic exposition cramming voice) I believe you were telling me just th.. only the other day.
DR. NOSTRUM
No. I wasn’t thinking about that. I was saying, do you know anybody that does that? Like, any friends of your parents who have a ‘style’
HUTCHBACK
No. They all just look like old people.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. My mum’s friends too. Although I met this guy in Nashville.. There
are quite a few people in the music industry who keep some kind of look.
HUTCHBACK
I guess the closest you can get is..
DR. NOSTRUM
I reckon Bono will still be wearing those glasses when he’s in the old people’s home.
HUTCHBACK
Mm. Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Do you reckon he takes them off when he meets the Pope?
HUTCHBACK
Or maybe he has a special, religious.. A Holy Pair. No, but I do like.. I do like the, er..
DR. NOSTRUM
What, the trousers round the ankles look?
HUTCHBACK
Trousers round the ankles. Yeah. No, but. No, it’s an advance on trousers around.. sort of just hanging..
DR. NOSTRUM
Underneath the arse.
HUTCHBACK
Hanging below your bum. Saggy pants. It’s a bit like the mini skirt. In fact, it will become the male equivalent of the mini skirt. It’s that, it will get down to the knees first, just get down to the knees...
DR. NOSTRUM
I think they would have done it if it hadn’t been hard to walk.
HUTCHBACK
...then round the ankles, no, but maybe they’ll have, sort of, a customised pair of trousers.
DR. NOSTRUM
So they need some kind of knee cinches.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, you need something.
DR. NOSTRUM
What, like a knee belt?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah. Like a knee belt. No, like a pair of bicycle clips just under the knee.
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, okay, I see what you mean. You’d need them above the knee.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, just above the knee, so it holds there, and then you can walk around.
DR. NOSTRUM
But you couldn’t run away.
HUTCHBACK
Couldn’t run away, but you could certainly walk around.
DR. NOSTRUM
Not good for running away.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, and as we know, obviously, kids today need to do a lot of running away...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yep.
HUTCHBACK
...to avoid getting killed.
DR. NOSTRUM
Or caught.
HUTCHBACK
Or caught. Killed or caught.
All Talk 49 - Racism - I'm Trying, But I Just Don't Get It
HUTCHBACK
As the BNP says, it’s not racist to oppose mass immigration and political correctness, it’s common sense.
DR. NOSTRUM
Common sense. It is common sense. It’s comedic sense.
HUTCHBACK
It’s common sense, (pause) if you’re a racist, although it’s not racist in itself.
DR. NOSTRUM
That’s true. That is true. (pause) I don’t oppose immigration. I couldn’t give two monkeys about where you live or..
HUTCHBACK
Two monkeys? (witheringly) Yeah, appropriate; Those Monkey Boys.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, I was thinking that.. I do seriously think that (pause) where you live is just an accident of birth. (The DR. pauses, momentarily bemused by his own inane profundity) Really. Who you are is just an accident of birth, so it really is completely irrelevant. You know, it’s not your fault, is it? So, what difference does it make? I never understood any of that problem.. I often thought that. I don’t think it gets very far with people who actually care about things, but, really, the country you live in, is irrelevant. And who you are is also irrelevant. It just completely doesn’t make any difference does it?
HUTCHBACK
Well, it does, cause if you.. if you’re born in Bangladesh, in a hut, your life’s not going to be much fun.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, I didn’t mean that, I meant that there’s no difference between any of it. If someone from Bangladesh comes over here, or I go over there, who gives a fuck? You know, who cares? I don’t care.
HUTCHBACK
The racists care.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, they do. But why do they care?
HUTCHBACK
(becomes The Racist) Because it’s OURS! It’s our land! Fuck off! Get off my land! Get off my land!
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, but they’re not living in your living room.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, but they could be. They could be downstairs raping my wife!
DR. NOSTRUM
Maybe.
HUTCHBACK
While I’m upstairs, having if off with my next door neighbour.
DR. NOSTRUM
Whereas, at least if it’s someone you know, it’s not so bad.
HUTCHBACK
And then you could have all those little, you know, all those..(here comes The Racist again) All those black babies. That’s the theory you see, that’s where it all comes from; Get off my land, don’t shag my wife, I don’t want any black babies.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, well, I don’t get it really.
HUTCHBACK
Well, no. that’s probably why you’re not a BNP councilor.
DR. NOSTRUM
But talking to this guy I work with, who’s not a racist, but has racist views..
HUTCHBACK
“I’m not racist, it’s just that everything I say is racist.”
DR. NOSTRUM
No, I just don’t get it, I don’t understand it, I completely don’t understand it. What is it that causes something like that, I don’t get it? It completely is bemusing.
HUTCHBACK
Keep talking. See if you can do it on your own – much harder.
DR. NOSTRUM
I don’t know. I could probably keep talking for a while. (long pause – HUTCHBACK leaves the room, the DR continues, talking to himself in haltingly) Anyway.. Maybe what it is, is; that.. you are afraid that somehow.. you will lose your.. What? I don’t know what it is. What is racism? What is it about? Fear of something, I’m not sure what. (HUTCHBACK returns)
HUTCHBACK
See; Couldn’t do it.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, I could do it. I was just very quiet.
HUTCHBACK
Right, well, that’s enough of that.
All Talk 48 - Passing Exams and The Trouble With Modern Poetry
DR. NOSTRUM
Some people I tell, in the music business, or, whatever, just talking about things, um, some people are actually impressed by the fact that, you know...
HUTCHBACK
That you can add.
DR. NOSTRUM
...no, by the fact that I did Economics.
HUTCHBACK
But you didn’t do Economics.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, I did do it.
HUTCHBACK
You did it for about..
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, I did it, I took my exam in it and everything...
HUTCHBACK
Did you?
DR. NOSTRUM
...A level. A level Economics, I got a U or, er, a D, you know, but.. but..
HUTCHBACK
And they’re very impressed!
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, the comeback was; at least you did it. And I was thinking, well, I suppose so, but...
HUTCHBACK
You could have done anything and got a U in it.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, no, I didn’t get a U, I got a U in something else, but that’s.. that’s cos I wrote songs, instead...
HUTCHBACK
Okay
DR. NOSTRUM
...which they obviously didn’t like...
HUTCHBACK
No...
DR. NOSTRUM
Biology, I wrote songs.
HUTCHBACK
No, they don’t like that. There aren’t many songs in Biological text books.
DR. NOSTRUM
Imagine if you could have written songs though, for your exam, and got an A.
HUTCHBACK
Mm. They’d have had to have been very good, biological songs.. (has an Epiphany and sings) “Your knee bone’s connected to your thigh bone.” It’d have to be of that caliber, but more about “your platelet’s connected to your red blood vessels and all that business...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah
HUTCHBACK
...and that’s how you create Adenizine Tri-phosphate.”
DR. NOSTRUM
You’d have to be, I mean you’d have to be pretty smart to pass all your exams in meter and rhyme, that would be an achievement.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
I suppose the only exam where you’d do that is in poetry and they probably don’t even do that any more.
HUTCHBACK
No, I don’t think there is Poetry A level.
DR. NOSTRUM
No. There was some poet on the radio saying about, you know, people bemoan the lack of meter and rhyme in modern poetry, but, you know, “they’ve got to get with it cos that’s so old fashioned.”
HUTCHBACK
“Man”
DR. NOSTRUM
And I was thinking, isn’t that poetry, and what they do now is, well, I suppose it’s still called poetry, but in fact it’s just speaking. Really.
HUTCHBACK
It’s just a load of words, stuck together on a fucking page.
DR. NOSTRUM
It is really.
HUTCHBACK
That’s the problem with modern poetry.
DR. NOSTRUM
It is. I mean it has it’s own internal rhythm, but it’s unfathomable unless you can hear the person speaking who’s written it.
HUTCHBACK
But that’s the point. Everything becomes worse over time.
DR. NOSTRUM
It’s just words.
HUTCHBACK
Everything becomes worse over time – that should be the subject of this post; how everything becomes worse.
DR. NOSTRUM
And we got that off the front of a BNP leaflet.
HUTCHBACK
Oh yeah. Forgot about that.
3 weeks at sea and they call this entertainment
There - claiming my real hidden title, not often you get a 'tchkn' in a word, except, one imagines, those written by drunk Russians.
So my little jaunt across the Le Mange, or whatever it is these Frenchies call the Channel, is over. A journey, the Doctor reliably informs me, of 3 hours has taken considerably longer. It must have been some navigational mishap or pirates amidship, or something darker and more devious, but I will one day get to the bottom of my peculiar trip to France and my endurance testing return.
For some reason the Doctor has taken a new approach to my discipline and mentoring. Rather than the regular and vicious beatings that I am used to he has somewhat mellowed and is now using me for a footstool in his parlour. His slovely ways are also a boon for when he drops the super noodles as they pass between fork and lip I can easily gobble them up off the Axminster before he notices. My new position has enabled me to enjoy TV for the first time in months and I am relieved to see the return of the finest art of our time - Celebrity Big Brother.
Lacking only the addition of starving lions this is the Hutchknacks favourite broadcast. And this particular series throws up the most imaginative fantasies of sexual congress imaginable. Verne who is well known for his drunken urination feats on previous reality shows holds particular promise. It isn't clear whether he would ever appear on 'Bangamidget.com' as the midgets being banged all appear to be female, although at that scale it can be hard to tell.
This does lead to some interesting mulling over the relative size of things in the trouser department, and it all comes down, one imagines to whether the short person in question is a dwarf or a midget. For as we all know from 'The Office' (UK version) a midget is small in proportion, whereas a Dwarf is short with standard sized head, hand, feet etc. The devil being in the etc. of course.
But let it not be said that the Hutchknack, deformed as he is in mind and body, fixates on those who are physically marginal, the biggest freakery on show was no doubt LaToya's casual referencing of her Mafia connected ex-husband's wife beating antics. She like Jermaine before her and of course the Michael betray very few signs of being human at all. One can barely imagine the fatherly conduct that created such a brood of space elves.
I am particularly enjoying the clodhopping courtship of the ethereal LaToya by the Celestial Gangster Coolio, a man for whom the words, "Shut up, fuck off and die" are interpreted by his brain as a call of "Encore, Maestro!"
So my little jaunt across the Le Mange, or whatever it is these Frenchies call the Channel, is over. A journey, the Doctor reliably informs me, of 3 hours has taken considerably longer. It must have been some navigational mishap or pirates amidship, or something darker and more devious, but I will one day get to the bottom of my peculiar trip to France and my endurance testing return.
For some reason the Doctor has taken a new approach to my discipline and mentoring. Rather than the regular and vicious beatings that I am used to he has somewhat mellowed and is now using me for a footstool in his parlour. His slovely ways are also a boon for when he drops the super noodles as they pass between fork and lip I can easily gobble them up off the Axminster before he notices. My new position has enabled me to enjoy TV for the first time in months and I am relieved to see the return of the finest art of our time - Celebrity Big Brother.
Lacking only the addition of starving lions this is the Hutchknacks favourite broadcast. And this particular series throws up the most imaginative fantasies of sexual congress imaginable. Verne who is well known for his drunken urination feats on previous reality shows holds particular promise. It isn't clear whether he would ever appear on 'Bangamidget.com' as the midgets being banged all appear to be female, although at that scale it can be hard to tell.
This does lead to some interesting mulling over the relative size of things in the trouser department, and it all comes down, one imagines to whether the short person in question is a dwarf or a midget. For as we all know from 'The Office' (UK version) a midget is small in proportion, whereas a Dwarf is short with standard sized head, hand, feet etc. The devil being in the etc. of course.
But let it not be said that the Hutchknack, deformed as he is in mind and body, fixates on those who are physically marginal, the biggest freakery on show was no doubt LaToya's casual referencing of her Mafia connected ex-husband's wife beating antics. She like Jermaine before her and of course the Michael betray very few signs of being human at all. One can barely imagine the fatherly conduct that created such a brood of space elves.
I am particularly enjoying the clodhopping courtship of the ethereal LaToya by the Celestial Gangster Coolio, a man for whom the words, "Shut up, fuck off and die" are interpreted by his brain as a call of "Encore, Maestro!"
Celebrity Big Brother Annual Attempt At Michael Jackson Misses Again
Dr. Nostrum can see through the casting as another attempt to lure Michael Jackson into the house falls narrowly wide as they shoot and hit Latoya - who I have been calling Janet most of the week.
It's not a good cast really, lit up wonderfully by Coolio, who is both an annoying asshole and a dead eyed killer, although another dead eyed killer was missed in the Paparazzi task this week as he was hoisted over the wall on a crane. Perhaps if they had used Iranian crane hoisting methods Barrymore would have been spotted? In one of the ad breaks he scarily appeared behind whoever it is that is deadpanning for the Big Mouth bit that I have never seen "Look Out! Look Out!" I screamed at the television. "Look out or you'll end up raped and found dead in a swimming pool!" but the guy never turned round.
Meanwhile back on the main show; Mutya and Tina have been lounging around in the big ashtray like two bored and tired hookers bemused at their inclusion, Ben and Michelle are ex-pop starring and boring us; Terry seemingly couldn't find an elderly gentleman to bend over for, he acts as if he's waiting for Alan Bennett (who Dr. Nostrum has been writing country music with periodically over the last year); Verne plays the Aahh toy for female viewers - no sign yet of the vicious ankle biter the press has made him; Ulrika and Latoya compete for whose face will sag last, both faces are clearly slowly heading south after having been pumped and frozen just before going in, but whose injections will prove to be the strongest? - It's one of the more interesting reasons to stay tuned. In the Scottish politician category, Tommy doesn't have the Galloway ego but though he does a passable Marcel Marceau impression in a leotard, Galloway has him (and most of the planet) beat in that department too. Lucy has gone, she was there to do what?? Another Tit models who wants us to know she's more than a Tit model so she can do non Tit model work. And lastly Coolio plays them all as the Big Brother Nero, but Latoya the least, watching them together is a real life "Love is..." Janet bats her eyelids as her night in shining armour boldly goes into battle to piss off the unknown English 'talent' and bring her back their broken spirits.
Coolio to win - driving out on Verne's car.
I believe Hutchback has a different take.
It's not a good cast really, lit up wonderfully by Coolio, who is both an annoying asshole and a dead eyed killer, although another dead eyed killer was missed in the Paparazzi task this week as he was hoisted over the wall on a crane. Perhaps if they had used Iranian crane hoisting methods Barrymore would have been spotted? In one of the ad breaks he scarily appeared behind whoever it is that is deadpanning for the Big Mouth bit that I have never seen "Look Out! Look Out!" I screamed at the television. "Look out or you'll end up raped and found dead in a swimming pool!" but the guy never turned round.
Meanwhile back on the main show; Mutya and Tina have been lounging around in the big ashtray like two bored and tired hookers bemused at their inclusion, Ben and Michelle are ex-pop starring and boring us; Terry seemingly couldn't find an elderly gentleman to bend over for, he acts as if he's waiting for Alan Bennett (who Dr. Nostrum has been writing country music with periodically over the last year); Verne plays the Aahh toy for female viewers - no sign yet of the vicious ankle biter the press has made him; Ulrika and Latoya compete for whose face will sag last, both faces are clearly slowly heading south after having been pumped and frozen just before going in, but whose injections will prove to be the strongest? - It's one of the more interesting reasons to stay tuned. In the Scottish politician category, Tommy doesn't have the Galloway ego but though he does a passable Marcel Marceau impression in a leotard, Galloway has him (and most of the planet) beat in that department too. Lucy has gone, she was there to do what?? Another Tit models who wants us to know she's more than a Tit model so she can do non Tit model work. And lastly Coolio plays them all as the Big Brother Nero, but Latoya the least, watching them together is a real life "Love is..." Janet bats her eyelids as her night in shining armour boldly goes into battle to piss off the unknown English 'talent' and bring her back their broken spirits.
Coolio to win - driving out on Verne's car.
I believe Hutchback has a different take.
Suicidal? We Need You!
A warm invitation in the ad break on Big Bro this evening (and others no doubt) "Become a Teacher, you can earn £20 thousand a year - and the banter's not bad either." They've cut to the nub of the education issue in one blind stab. Unless it was in a subliminal message there was no mention at all about educating children, nothing, nada. Just a shot of some poncy X factor reject slouching back on a chair as kids walked into a room (The Doctor thought he was one of the students) and one of the kids teasing him about a football result - dialogue free acting well scripted for it's simplicity, even having the sleight of hand to make me realise that the teacher is not some old dodderer, but probably a student not long ago and not as remote from the class as teachers once were. But the voice over was a coup de grace. Succinct and to the point. Who gives a fuck about anything but money and pissing about? And they can apply it to nearly any profession - You can earn £20 grand a year and the banter's not bad either; Dustmen; Builder; Prison Officer; Magician and I would have said Prositute but the pay's too low.
There was an ad, from what must have been the same agency, posted on bus shelters not too long ago. I didn't last long but it too fell on a profound truth "No Job, No Income, No Prospect - Join The Army" Now that's a great ad! They could have gone further I believe but I wasn't in on the copy - "Suicidally Depressed? - Join The Army, we'll kill yourself for you."
There was an ad, from what must have been the same agency, posted on bus shelters not too long ago. I didn't last long but it too fell on a profound truth "No Job, No Income, No Prospect - Join The Army" Now that's a great ad! They could have gone further I believe but I wasn't in on the copy - "Suicidally Depressed? - Join The Army, we'll kill yourself for you."
Dr Nostrum’s Fuck You Paul McKenna Second Portion Blues
I have been tuning in to I CAN MAKE YOU THIN with Paul McKenna. Is it just me or does watching this programme make you hungry?
Somewhere in the last five years Paul McKenna has become a TV Carpet Salesman, and fulfills the American generic by talking loudly and over-excitedly, over-emoting whenever possible. It looks like pastiche, but I believe he has brainwashed himself into believing this is how you present American TV. What he's doing, of course, was invented by my great grand-daddy, who used to sell the family potion off the back of wagons.
There are several staggering contradictions in this program's hour that just will not go away, along with the pervading sense of cheapness that riddles the broadcast, plastered in to the UK schedule lock, stock and barrel off the American airwaves.
The most annoying of these is the near constant reminder from Paul that this is not one of those shows where we (the TV audience) watch other people get thin, immediately followed by introducing us to other people who have lost weight or who we are going to be following losing weight across the series. He does this so many times I can only conclude that he will soon be running for Prime Minister. But anyway, everyone we meet who has lost weight "LOOKS GREAT!!"
The second is down to automaton scheduled advertising where we get Diets sold to us in the ad breaks straight after Paul tells us Diets don't work. I mean you have to be tuning in to Paul McKenna on purpose, right, or at least stick with it on purpose, so whatever demographic it is that the automatons think would purchase one of these Diet products, I'd like to meet them and sell them George Bush's soul - you can keep it in your pocket and use it like worry beads.
There is a grain of usefulness in the show misapplied if it does what it says on the tin. It is a 'not a distraction technique' to help you stabilise the emotions that make you eat when you don't want to, in audience tests it reduces the craving to eat when in an highly emotional state from a 10 to 0. I tried doing it with him, but found it very distracting and couldn't follow what he was showing me. BUT, if this works, what are they doing using it on over-eaters? This should be used on murderers, rapist, paedophiles and genocidists. If only Stalin had sat in the Kremlin and tapped himself calm...
The last contradiction is the clincher, and, properly, it comes first because it's the legal disclaimer that's read out in American blandese ahead of the show and shown for a few seconds at the end. It includes the truths that "results will vary" and that "the program is for entertainment only".
Read that again, because it defines Paul McKenna; entertainment from misery.
So there we have it, another programme that tells people who have forgotten how to behave, how to behave - you know - like religion.
As it was he's making me miserable because being one of those 'naturally thin' people he keeps mentioning (that is, when I don't over-eat for ages or exercise for weeks) I never worry about food, so there I was tucking into my FUCK YOU Paul McKenna second portion when I started chewing my food 20 times and thinking about whether I was full. I couldn't clean my plate and this immediately brought on strong feelings of annoyance and guilt at having watched the Paul McKenna show and subsequently wasting my hard earned on food I was about to throw in the bin.
This life is for entertainment purposes only.
Somewhere in the last five years Paul McKenna has become a TV Carpet Salesman, and fulfills the American generic by talking loudly and over-excitedly, over-emoting whenever possible. It looks like pastiche, but I believe he has brainwashed himself into believing this is how you present American TV. What he's doing, of course, was invented by my great grand-daddy, who used to sell the family potion off the back of wagons.
There are several staggering contradictions in this program's hour that just will not go away, along with the pervading sense of cheapness that riddles the broadcast, plastered in to the UK schedule lock, stock and barrel off the American airwaves.
The most annoying of these is the near constant reminder from Paul that this is not one of those shows where we (the TV audience) watch other people get thin, immediately followed by introducing us to other people who have lost weight or who we are going to be following losing weight across the series. He does this so many times I can only conclude that he will soon be running for Prime Minister. But anyway, everyone we meet who has lost weight "LOOKS GREAT!!"
The second is down to automaton scheduled advertising where we get Diets sold to us in the ad breaks straight after Paul tells us Diets don't work. I mean you have to be tuning in to Paul McKenna on purpose, right, or at least stick with it on purpose, so whatever demographic it is that the automatons think would purchase one of these Diet products, I'd like to meet them and sell them George Bush's soul - you can keep it in your pocket and use it like worry beads.
There is a grain of usefulness in the show misapplied if it does what it says on the tin. It is a 'not a distraction technique' to help you stabilise the emotions that make you eat when you don't want to, in audience tests it reduces the craving to eat when in an highly emotional state from a 10 to 0. I tried doing it with him, but found it very distracting and couldn't follow what he was showing me. BUT, if this works, what are they doing using it on over-eaters? This should be used on murderers, rapist, paedophiles and genocidists. If only Stalin had sat in the Kremlin and tapped himself calm...
The last contradiction is the clincher, and, properly, it comes first because it's the legal disclaimer that's read out in American blandese ahead of the show and shown for a few seconds at the end. It includes the truths that "results will vary" and that "the program is for entertainment only".
Read that again, because it defines Paul McKenna; entertainment from misery.
So there we have it, another programme that tells people who have forgotten how to behave, how to behave - you know - like religion.
As it was he's making me miserable because being one of those 'naturally thin' people he keeps mentioning (that is, when I don't over-eat for ages or exercise for weeks) I never worry about food, so there I was tucking into my FUCK YOU Paul McKenna second portion when I started chewing my food 20 times and thinking about whether I was full. I couldn't clean my plate and this immediately brought on strong feelings of annoyance and guilt at having watched the Paul McKenna show and subsequently wasting my hard earned on food I was about to throw in the bin.
This life is for entertainment purposes only.
All Talk 47 - Tying Together A Few Ideas with Gwen Stefani and Gavin
DR. NOSTRUM
There's a lot that ties up here you know; Cow Calamari.. Not Cow Calamari, er, Stefani Calamari...
HUTCHBACK
Who?
DR. NOSTRUM
Gwen Stefani!
HUTCHBACK
Oh, Stefani.
DR. NOSTRUM
The thing about whale's foreskin's, tantric shitting, everything like that.. and the best bit of the whale being...
HUTCHBACK
It's arsehole.
DR. NOSTRUM
Whereas the best bit of the Calamari is the body. (pause) Stefani Calamari (pause) for Gavin, cos he likes a bit of.. a bit of arsehole.
HUTCHBACK
For who?
DR. NOSTRUM
Gavin, er.. Who's the guy that married her?
HUTCHBACK
I've no idea.
DR. NOSTRUM
Gwen Stefani's married to a guy called Gavin, who was.. what the hell's his name?
HUTCHBACK
I don't think it matters.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, he's quite famous! Anyway he's in Bush, he's the lead singer in Bush.
HUTCHBACK
Oh, er, Gavin, er...
DR. NOSTRUM
Rossdale. Gavin Rossdale.
HUTCHBACK
...Henson. Gavin Henson.
DR. NOSTRUM
Gavin Rossdale likes a bit of.. you know, I was thinking, where they live.. where they live up the road from us. Near them there's lots of these places where they do, er, yoga and stuff like this, but there's also – I was thinking – is there a, um, a what d'you call it, a waxing place to wax her arsehole, because Gavin, probably being partial to Stefani Calamari, would want her to wax her arsehole.
HUTCHBACK
It's an interesting thought. It's definitely an interesting thought and one that we should..
DR. NOSTRUM
Cause all those wiry dark hairs (pause) get in the way (pause) of a smooth entry and exit.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
And, if she could pinch one off (pause) she could trap him.
HUTCHBACK
Cut off the blood supply.
DR. NOSTRUM
Suppose so. It's a good way out of rape – anal rape – if you could practice your tantric shitting enough...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
...you could threaten any racist, er, not racist..
HUTCHBACK
Racist!
DR. NOSTRUM
"Watch out you racist I'm a tantric shitter!"
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, what you do is attach yourself to their knob...
DR. NOSTRUM
That's right – squeeze it off.
HUTCHBACK
...and cut off the blood supply to their brain.
DR. NOSTRUM
Do you think this paints a picture of carefree men of integrity and intelligence?
HUTCHBACK
What?
There's a lot that ties up here you know; Cow Calamari.. Not Cow Calamari, er, Stefani Calamari...
HUTCHBACK
Who?
DR. NOSTRUM
Gwen Stefani!
HUTCHBACK
Oh, Stefani.
DR. NOSTRUM
The thing about whale's foreskin's, tantric shitting, everything like that.. and the best bit of the whale being...
HUTCHBACK
It's arsehole.
DR. NOSTRUM
Whereas the best bit of the Calamari is the body. (pause) Stefani Calamari (pause) for Gavin, cos he likes a bit of.. a bit of arsehole.
HUTCHBACK
For who?
DR. NOSTRUM
Gavin, er.. Who's the guy that married her?
HUTCHBACK
I've no idea.
DR. NOSTRUM
Gwen Stefani's married to a guy called Gavin, who was.. what the hell's his name?
HUTCHBACK
I don't think it matters.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, he's quite famous! Anyway he's in Bush, he's the lead singer in Bush.
HUTCHBACK
Oh, er, Gavin, er...
DR. NOSTRUM
Rossdale. Gavin Rossdale.
HUTCHBACK
...Henson. Gavin Henson.
DR. NOSTRUM
Gavin Rossdale likes a bit of.. you know, I was thinking, where they live.. where they live up the road from us. Near them there's lots of these places where they do, er, yoga and stuff like this, but there's also – I was thinking – is there a, um, a what d'you call it, a waxing place to wax her arsehole, because Gavin, probably being partial to Stefani Calamari, would want her to wax her arsehole.
HUTCHBACK
It's an interesting thought. It's definitely an interesting thought and one that we should..
DR. NOSTRUM
Cause all those wiry dark hairs (pause) get in the way (pause) of a smooth entry and exit.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
And, if she could pinch one off (pause) she could trap him.
HUTCHBACK
Cut off the blood supply.
DR. NOSTRUM
Suppose so. It's a good way out of rape – anal rape – if you could practice your tantric shitting enough...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
...you could threaten any racist, er, not racist..
HUTCHBACK
Racist!
DR. NOSTRUM
"Watch out you racist I'm a tantric shitter!"
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, what you do is attach yourself to their knob...
DR. NOSTRUM
That's right – squeeze it off.
HUTCHBACK
...and cut off the blood supply to their brain.
DR. NOSTRUM
Do you think this paints a picture of carefree men of integrity and intelligence?
HUTCHBACK
What?
All Talk 46 -That BNP Campaign Analyzed and What Happened To All Those NHS Smears
HUTCHBACK
Oh, here we go. (HUTCHBACK brandishes a leaflet recently shoved through the portcullis – it has two comparative pictures of white and non-white street scenes – more of this later)
DR. NOSTRUM
What's this, the secrets of Gosky Borough? Oh, the BNP!
HUTCHBACK
The BNP, yes.
DR. NOSTRUM
Is that them at the bottom?
HUTCHBACK
What do you mean is that them at the bottom! It's a load of angry..
DR. NOSTRUM
That's great, what a good picture! I think that's quite an improvement, I mean look at the ugly mugs on the women at the top there.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
At least they've got the good grace to...
TOGETHER
...cover themselves up.
DR. NOSTRUM
...so we don't have to look at their ugly mugs.
HUTCHBACK
And look, that's The Great British V Sign there.
DR. NOSTRUM
I like that, it is a very good picture. I don't understand, so are they proposing that this is worse, or better?
HUTCHBACK
Of course it's worse!
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, it's not worse is it!
HUTCHBACK
No, of course they're saying it's worse.
DR. NOSTRUM
But to me, at the bottom you've got less people...
HUTCHBACK
Ye-uh.
DR. NOSTRUM
...so that is a great improvement.
HUTCHBACK
It is a great improvement, you've got more..
DR. NOSTRUM
You've got less people
HUTCHBACK
...there are more cars.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, you've got less people standing around with rubbish. (The DR. finally remembers the listener) We're jus.. Just to describe the, er, BNP Londoner – Putting London First, there's a before and after shot and the before shot is, um, a black and white which looks like the, probably the V.E. day party or something like that, with people standing around in black and white, with a lot of crap on tables...
HUTCHBACK
Although...
DR. NOSTRUM
...No men, there's no men...
HUTCHBACK
Mm.
DR. NOSTRUM
There's a lot of women and children...
HUTCHBACK
...and there's a big pile of fruit - although one of the girls appears to be wearing a fez.
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh yeah. (he studies it) Maybe it's a plant pot.
HUTCHBACK
Maybe so, but there's a distinct Islamic influence going on there, nonetheless.
DR. NOSTRUM
Anyway there's bunting, flags, er, miserable houses, lots of people and some of them are smiling. There are a lot of them, some of them look pissed off. And at the bottom there's a picture of some, presumably muslim, women, or BNP members dressed up as muslim women wearing the full.. the full gear, er, looking at the camera taking the picture and one of them's giving The Great British V Sign, but there's only 4 of them so I think this is quite good actually. What you've done is; you've reduced the number of people, you've invented colour and, er, you don't have to look at their faces...
HUTCHBACK
And you're re-invigorating The Great British V Sign.
DR. NOSTRUM
That's right, you've managed to keep one thing going. (pause, thinks) But, I mean, that's not a great deal.. that's not a lot
worse, really, it's just different people.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, no, but, no.. it.. It's not a lot worse...
DR. NOSTRUM
...as an image.
HUTCHBACK
...objectively speaking, but, if you hate Asians, then it is a lot worse.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, you don't know they're Asians...
HUTCHBACK
Yes you do.
DR. NOSTRUM
...it's just the clothing.
HUTCHBACK
No, skin colour.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, maybe. So, anyway, what do they..
HUTCHBACK
They have chosen two particularly ugly women.
DR. NOSTRUM
You can't tell.
HUTCHBACK
You can tell.
DR. NOSTRUM
(scrutinizing the picture) One of them looks like a bloke – even under the full gear.
HUTCHBACK
You can definitely tell.
DR. NOSTRUM
I think it is a bloke. I reckon that's a bloke.
HUTCHBACK
Not only a bloke, but a wrestler.
DR. NOSTRUM
No – what's their crime? Their crime is that they're different to us isn't it?
HUTCHBACK
Their crime is; their skin is a slightly darker colour.
DR. NOSTRUM
And they don't speak English as well as..
HUTCHBACK
"People like you are voting British National Party."
DR. NOSTRUM
Where does it say that?
HUTCHBACK
We have a quote here from Ballerina Simone Clarke...
DR. NOSTRUM
That assumes a lot, doesn't it? "People like you are voting BNP"
HUTCHBACK
...Ballerina Simone Clarke, actually standing in Kenwood...
DR. NOSTRUM
Where's this?
HUTCHBACK
...It looks like she's in Kenwood.
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, I thought her first name was Ballerina.
HUTCHBACK
Ballerina. Is that Kenwood?
DR. NOSTRUM
You really, really wouldn't want your picture in one of these would you?
HUTCHBACK
No. "Immigration is out of control. There are already over 1 million illegal immigrants in London already and many more flood in each year. I'm voting BNP cos they're the only party who have the guts to speak out on the issues that count."
DR. NOSTRUM
(for those listening in print for the first time - irony alert folks) That's true, cos immigration isn't spoken about by anybody, is it, really. No-one talks about it.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, we should definitely, definitely vote BNP.
DR. NOSTRUM
She's got a suspiciously Jewish nose...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
...actually.
HUTCHBACK
Hmm.
DR. NOSTRUM
I wondered about this actually. On a completely non-funny point, well, a semi-non funny point; How far back do you go. I mean, what is British? How many people are they going to get rid of?
HUTCHBACK
Well, obviously they'll have to get rid of all the, um.. Everyone from William The Conqueror onwards...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, I mean I don't understand..
HUTCHBACK
..Which is the majority of the country.
DR. NOSTRUM
That's what I didn't really understand. Like, who.. Who is British?
HUTCHBACK
There'll be a few Scots and a few Welsh and a few Irish left.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, but they won't want Scots will.. Oh no, they're British.
HUTCHBACK
They were the ori.. more.. well...
DR. NOSTRUM
I suppose so. I kind of see them as the English National Party really.
HUTCHBACK
...you know.
DR. NOSTRUM
Do they like Scots?
HUTCHBACK
(not interested in that) So, interestingly enough, they are leading their campaign with – Not, "Kill All The Darkies" but...
DR. NOSTRUM
You know who that is?
HUTCHBACK
..."Get rid of the Congestion Charge."
DR. NOSTRUM
That...
HUTCHBACK
Very clever.
DR. NOSTRUM
That.. there's a bloke at the bottom here, who I think is Alan Titmarch, er, Titchmarsh, um, the gardener. It's Alan titchmarsh's face, but above it it says Bill De Ken Seger.
HUTCHBACK
It's not Alan Titchmarsh.
DR. NOSTRUM
Actually there is a picture of a young group of black kids, one of whom seems to be pointing a rifle at the person taking the picture, which seems a bit unlikely, but I suppose it's possible.
HUTCHBACK
I think it looks more like a submachine gun.
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh yeah, you know, one of them submachine guns. I wonder what they want.
HUTCHBACK
"We need to clamp down on gangs and make our streets safe again."
DR. NOSTRUM
That's fair enough.
HUTCHBACK
Fair enough.
DR. NOSTRUM
We don't need the BNP to do it...
HUTCHBACK
No
DR. NOSTRUM
...but that's fair enough.
HUTCHBACK
Mm.
DR. NOSTRUM
"We say no to immigration, because enough is enough, this country is full." You can tell that, because you can't move, you can't move for people. (beat) I don't get all this, why do people get so angry about this stuff? This is what the guy, you know, going back to the guy I was working with – I think there's this feeling that somehow, somehow this is the problem; That people who aren't us want to kill us.
HUTCHBACK
This is quite good – "How Labour plan to steal your vote. – Please do not post your postal vote."
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh.
HUTCHBACK
Doesn't it then stop being a postal vote, if you don't post it?
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh – "For information on how Labour supporters steal postal votes, call...
HUTCHBACK
For more information on how Labour supporters steal postal votes, post a letter to the following address.
DR. NOSTRUM
I wonder how much that costs. It doesn't say anywhere how much the phone call costs. 07527...
HUTCHBACK
Shall we donate?
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, I'll make a donation to the London BNP. (you can imagine what it might be)
HUTCHBACK
(back to the leaflet) "Warning, during this election you will probably receive nasty leaflets from the Labour party. These leaflets will be full of smears." That's quite unpleasant, that.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well how do they get them from the NHS. Clearly the NHS are not doing their job.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, that's where all the smears are going; they're going into the fucking Labour leaflets...
DR. NOSTRUM
No wonder..
HUTCHBACK
...and the Labour party are sending 'em out!
DR. NOSTRUM
No wonder people are getting cervical cancer.
HUTCHBACK
They're bloody being posted out to random fucking cunts.
DR. NOSTRUM
And they say the Government's not to blame.
HUTCHBACK
And they say Gordon Brown knows what he's doing.
DR. NOSTRUM
Not many people do say that actually.
HUTCHBACK
No, they don't. In fact, they say he has no idea what he's doing.
Oh, here we go. (HUTCHBACK brandishes a leaflet recently shoved through the portcullis – it has two comparative pictures of white and non-white street scenes – more of this later)
DR. NOSTRUM
What's this, the secrets of Gosky Borough? Oh, the BNP!
HUTCHBACK
The BNP, yes.
DR. NOSTRUM
Is that them at the bottom?
HUTCHBACK
What do you mean is that them at the bottom! It's a load of angry..
DR. NOSTRUM
That's great, what a good picture! I think that's quite an improvement, I mean look at the ugly mugs on the women at the top there.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
At least they've got the good grace to...
TOGETHER
...cover themselves up.
DR. NOSTRUM
...so we don't have to look at their ugly mugs.
HUTCHBACK
And look, that's The Great British V Sign there.
DR. NOSTRUM
I like that, it is a very good picture. I don't understand, so are they proposing that this is worse, or better?
HUTCHBACK
Of course it's worse!
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, it's not worse is it!
HUTCHBACK
No, of course they're saying it's worse.
DR. NOSTRUM
But to me, at the bottom you've got less people...
HUTCHBACK
Ye-uh.
DR. NOSTRUM
...so that is a great improvement.
HUTCHBACK
It is a great improvement, you've got more..
DR. NOSTRUM
You've got less people
HUTCHBACK
...there are more cars.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, you've got less people standing around with rubbish. (The DR. finally remembers the listener) We're jus.. Just to describe the, er, BNP Londoner – Putting London First, there's a before and after shot and the before shot is, um, a black and white which looks like the, probably the V.E. day party or something like that, with people standing around in black and white, with a lot of crap on tables...
HUTCHBACK
Although...
DR. NOSTRUM
...No men, there's no men...
HUTCHBACK
Mm.
DR. NOSTRUM
There's a lot of women and children...
HUTCHBACK
...and there's a big pile of fruit - although one of the girls appears to be wearing a fez.
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh yeah. (he studies it) Maybe it's a plant pot.
HUTCHBACK
Maybe so, but there's a distinct Islamic influence going on there, nonetheless.
DR. NOSTRUM
Anyway there's bunting, flags, er, miserable houses, lots of people and some of them are smiling. There are a lot of them, some of them look pissed off. And at the bottom there's a picture of some, presumably muslim, women, or BNP members dressed up as muslim women wearing the full.. the full gear, er, looking at the camera taking the picture and one of them's giving The Great British V Sign, but there's only 4 of them so I think this is quite good actually. What you've done is; you've reduced the number of people, you've invented colour and, er, you don't have to look at their faces...
HUTCHBACK
And you're re-invigorating The Great British V Sign.
DR. NOSTRUM
That's right, you've managed to keep one thing going. (pause, thinks) But, I mean, that's not a great deal.. that's not a lot
worse, really, it's just different people.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, no, but, no.. it.. It's not a lot worse...
DR. NOSTRUM
...as an image.
HUTCHBACK
...objectively speaking, but, if you hate Asians, then it is a lot worse.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, you don't know they're Asians...
HUTCHBACK
Yes you do.
DR. NOSTRUM
...it's just the clothing.
HUTCHBACK
No, skin colour.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, maybe. So, anyway, what do they..
HUTCHBACK
They have chosen two particularly ugly women.
DR. NOSTRUM
You can't tell.
HUTCHBACK
You can tell.
DR. NOSTRUM
(scrutinizing the picture) One of them looks like a bloke – even under the full gear.
HUTCHBACK
You can definitely tell.
DR. NOSTRUM
I think it is a bloke. I reckon that's a bloke.
HUTCHBACK
Not only a bloke, but a wrestler.
DR. NOSTRUM
No – what's their crime? Their crime is that they're different to us isn't it?
HUTCHBACK
Their crime is; their skin is a slightly darker colour.
DR. NOSTRUM
And they don't speak English as well as..
HUTCHBACK
"People like you are voting British National Party."
DR. NOSTRUM
Where does it say that?
HUTCHBACK
We have a quote here from Ballerina Simone Clarke...
DR. NOSTRUM
That assumes a lot, doesn't it? "People like you are voting BNP"
HUTCHBACK
...Ballerina Simone Clarke, actually standing in Kenwood...
DR. NOSTRUM
Where's this?
HUTCHBACK
...It looks like she's in Kenwood.
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, I thought her first name was Ballerina.
HUTCHBACK
Ballerina. Is that Kenwood?
DR. NOSTRUM
You really, really wouldn't want your picture in one of these would you?
HUTCHBACK
No. "Immigration is out of control. There are already over 1 million illegal immigrants in London already and many more flood in each year. I'm voting BNP cos they're the only party who have the guts to speak out on the issues that count."
DR. NOSTRUM
(for those listening in print for the first time - irony alert folks) That's true, cos immigration isn't spoken about by anybody, is it, really. No-one talks about it.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, we should definitely, definitely vote BNP.
DR. NOSTRUM
She's got a suspiciously Jewish nose...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
...actually.
HUTCHBACK
Hmm.
DR. NOSTRUM
I wondered about this actually. On a completely non-funny point, well, a semi-non funny point; How far back do you go. I mean, what is British? How many people are they going to get rid of?
HUTCHBACK
Well, obviously they'll have to get rid of all the, um.. Everyone from William The Conqueror onwards...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, I mean I don't understand..
HUTCHBACK
..Which is the majority of the country.
DR. NOSTRUM
That's what I didn't really understand. Like, who.. Who is British?
HUTCHBACK
There'll be a few Scots and a few Welsh and a few Irish left.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, but they won't want Scots will.. Oh no, they're British.
HUTCHBACK
They were the ori.. more.. well...
DR. NOSTRUM
I suppose so. I kind of see them as the English National Party really.
HUTCHBACK
...you know.
DR. NOSTRUM
Do they like Scots?
HUTCHBACK
(not interested in that) So, interestingly enough, they are leading their campaign with – Not, "Kill All The Darkies" but...
DR. NOSTRUM
You know who that is?
HUTCHBACK
..."Get rid of the Congestion Charge."
DR. NOSTRUM
That...
HUTCHBACK
Very clever.
DR. NOSTRUM
That.. there's a bloke at the bottom here, who I think is Alan Titmarch, er, Titchmarsh, um, the gardener. It's Alan titchmarsh's face, but above it it says Bill De Ken Seger.
HUTCHBACK
It's not Alan Titchmarsh.
DR. NOSTRUM
Actually there is a picture of a young group of black kids, one of whom seems to be pointing a rifle at the person taking the picture, which seems a bit unlikely, but I suppose it's possible.
HUTCHBACK
I think it looks more like a submachine gun.
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh yeah, you know, one of them submachine guns. I wonder what they want.
HUTCHBACK
"We need to clamp down on gangs and make our streets safe again."
DR. NOSTRUM
That's fair enough.
HUTCHBACK
Fair enough.
DR. NOSTRUM
We don't need the BNP to do it...
HUTCHBACK
No
DR. NOSTRUM
...but that's fair enough.
HUTCHBACK
Mm.
DR. NOSTRUM
"We say no to immigration, because enough is enough, this country is full." You can tell that, because you can't move, you can't move for people. (beat) I don't get all this, why do people get so angry about this stuff? This is what the guy, you know, going back to the guy I was working with – I think there's this feeling that somehow, somehow this is the problem; That people who aren't us want to kill us.
HUTCHBACK
This is quite good – "How Labour plan to steal your vote. – Please do not post your postal vote."
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh.
HUTCHBACK
Doesn't it then stop being a postal vote, if you don't post it?
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh – "For information on how Labour supporters steal postal votes, call...
HUTCHBACK
For more information on how Labour supporters steal postal votes, post a letter to the following address.
DR. NOSTRUM
I wonder how much that costs. It doesn't say anywhere how much the phone call costs. 07527...
HUTCHBACK
Shall we donate?
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, I'll make a donation to the London BNP. (you can imagine what it might be)
HUTCHBACK
(back to the leaflet) "Warning, during this election you will probably receive nasty leaflets from the Labour party. These leaflets will be full of smears." That's quite unpleasant, that.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well how do they get them from the NHS. Clearly the NHS are not doing their job.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, that's where all the smears are going; they're going into the fucking Labour leaflets...
DR. NOSTRUM
No wonder..
HUTCHBACK
...and the Labour party are sending 'em out!
DR. NOSTRUM
No wonder people are getting cervical cancer.
HUTCHBACK
They're bloody being posted out to random fucking cunts.
DR. NOSTRUM
And they say the Government's not to blame.
HUTCHBACK
And they say Gordon Brown knows what he's doing.
DR. NOSTRUM
Not many people do say that actually.
HUTCHBACK
No, they don't. In fact, they say he has no idea what he's doing.
All Talk 45 - The Invention of Industry and Victorian Fitness Coaches
DR. NOSTRUM
I guess industry actually started with stuff on the floor.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, cos there weren't any factories.
DR. NOSTRUM
If you didn't pick it up, you'd never have used any of it. That's the thing, really, it's just going back to the roots of industry.
HUTCHBACK
In fact...(pause - noises of chocolate eating sprinkle HUTCHBACK's speech for a while)
DR. NOSTRUM
Using things. You'd have to pick everything up off the floor...
HUTCHBACK
...quite literally, it was the first work.
DR. NOSTRUM
What? No...
HUTCHBACK
...that human beings did.
DR. NOSTRUM
...it might have been picking things off a tree.
HUTCHBACK
Pickin.. No, well, maybe. Bending down and picking something up, that was the first job.
DR. NOSTRUM
"So, what do you do?" "Oh, I pick things up."
HUTCHBACK
Mm.
DR. NOSTRUM
"Oh, really? You could probably get paid for that...
HUTCHBACK
Mm. Cause otherwise, you're lying around in a dirty cave...
DR. NOSTRUM
It's true, and you know what, the people who were better at it picked up better things...
HUTCHBACK
Yep...
DR. NOSTRUM
...and they could spot...
HUTCHBACK
...the ones who got up earlier in the morning. And that's where we ended up with our bloody nine to five. Cause the first cavemen who thought of this fantastic idea - picking things up – they were getting up around mid-day.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, and then they lost out to a local tribe who decided to get up earlier.
HUTCHBACK
Got up about 11.
DR. NOSTRUM
Maybe that's how they invented light, er, the fire. You know, cause they had to get up earlier.
HUTCHBACK
They had to get up so early...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, and how can we do it cos we can't see? And then they took out a stick of fire from the, uh, the cave.
HUTCHBACK
Mm.
DR. NOSTRUM
First torch. Invention of the night shift. (pause) Are you going to finish them?
HUTCHBACK
Huh?
DR. NOSTRUM
This is what you do? You do your exercise and then eat a box of chocolates?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
And that's how you maintain your weight?
HUTCHBACK
Well otherwise I'd lose too much weight wouldn't I?
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.
HUTCHBACK
Losing weight quickly is not good for you, they say.
DR. NOSTRUM
No. I like that thing you told me about Victorian... Wasn't it a Victorian thing about, um, getting healthy and losing weight was to lie in bed all the time?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
That's good. A good idea. Couldn't get many trainers though, I mean there's not much of an industry there.
HUTCHBACK
"Go-on, burn, burn, push for the burn, lie down a bit longer! You wimp, you've only been lying down for 18 hours!"
I guess industry actually started with stuff on the floor.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, cos there weren't any factories.
DR. NOSTRUM
If you didn't pick it up, you'd never have used any of it. That's the thing, really, it's just going back to the roots of industry.
HUTCHBACK
In fact...(pause - noises of chocolate eating sprinkle HUTCHBACK's speech for a while)
DR. NOSTRUM
Using things. You'd have to pick everything up off the floor...
HUTCHBACK
...quite literally, it was the first work.
DR. NOSTRUM
What? No...
HUTCHBACK
...that human beings did.
DR. NOSTRUM
...it might have been picking things off a tree.
HUTCHBACK
Pickin.. No, well, maybe. Bending down and picking something up, that was the first job.
DR. NOSTRUM
"So, what do you do?" "Oh, I pick things up."
HUTCHBACK
Mm.
DR. NOSTRUM
"Oh, really? You could probably get paid for that...
HUTCHBACK
Mm. Cause otherwise, you're lying around in a dirty cave...
DR. NOSTRUM
It's true, and you know what, the people who were better at it picked up better things...
HUTCHBACK
Yep...
DR. NOSTRUM
...and they could spot...
HUTCHBACK
...the ones who got up earlier in the morning. And that's where we ended up with our bloody nine to five. Cause the first cavemen who thought of this fantastic idea - picking things up – they were getting up around mid-day.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, and then they lost out to a local tribe who decided to get up earlier.
HUTCHBACK
Got up about 11.
DR. NOSTRUM
Maybe that's how they invented light, er, the fire. You know, cause they had to get up earlier.
HUTCHBACK
They had to get up so early...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, and how can we do it cos we can't see? And then they took out a stick of fire from the, uh, the cave.
HUTCHBACK
Mm.
DR. NOSTRUM
First torch. Invention of the night shift. (pause) Are you going to finish them?
HUTCHBACK
Huh?
DR. NOSTRUM
This is what you do? You do your exercise and then eat a box of chocolates?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
And that's how you maintain your weight?
HUTCHBACK
Well otherwise I'd lose too much weight wouldn't I?
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.
HUTCHBACK
Losing weight quickly is not good for you, they say.
DR. NOSTRUM
No. I like that thing you told me about Victorian... Wasn't it a Victorian thing about, um, getting healthy and losing weight was to lie in bed all the time?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
That's good. A good idea. Couldn't get many trainers though, I mean there's not much of an industry there.
HUTCHBACK
"Go-on, burn, burn, push for the burn, lie down a bit longer! You wimp, you've only been lying down for 18 hours!"
All Talk 44 - Medieval Health and Safety
DR. NOSTRUM
No, but we were talking about that because of Jew skin...
HUTCHBACK
Jew skin rugs.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, that was from something as well. Oh yeah, stuff off floors, that's it. Stuff off floors; Jews.. No, well, another thing about Jews, not that, er,
HUTCHBACK
Not that I'm racist.
DR. NOSTRUM
Not that I care. Um, I often thought that, um, Medieval Health and Safety, involved – cause you know we carry heavy things about?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
And I bust things, but, I don't think there was health and safety, but if there was, I reckon you had to put a Jew and a Black at the front of anything heavy that you were carrying downhill, or wherever, you know, in areas of danger...
HUTCHBACK
Jews, Blacks or Irish.
DR. NOSTRUM
Were there Irish, even in Medieval times?
HUTCHBACK
Well, they were Celtic perhaps.
DR. NOSTRUM
But that's probably what it was. The English would be at the back, whipping them – did they whip people then?
HUTCHBACK
I'm sure they did.
DR. NOSTRUM
There's no pictures of it. There's lots of pictures of Egyptians whipping.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, that's cause they had slaves.
DR. NOSTRUM
What, didn't we have slaves?
HUTCHBACK
No, we didn't have slaves...
HUTCHBACK
What, not till late, very late on?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah. It's funny that. All those years...
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, how did we control all the people before?
HUTCHBACK
Well they were serfs weren't they?
DR. NOSTRUM
But we didn't have whips!
HUTCHBACK
No, they didn't need whips.
DR. NOSTRUM
B.. oh, arrows.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, they had men on horses with bows.
DR. NOSTRUM
Bows. So actually they completely bypassed whips in England.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, they went straight to arrows.
DR. NOSTRUM
Arrows. Yeah.
HUTCHBACK
Swords as well.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well arrows, I guess, were like swords from a distance.
HUTCHBACK
Not as effective at killing someone. You know, you'd probably survive an arrow, unless it went in somewhere vital.
DR. NOSTRUM
I don't know, you know, a bit of wood, stone, metal, whatever – get infected, very nasty - without a doctor to put it right. Just like today.
No, but we were talking about that because of Jew skin...
HUTCHBACK
Jew skin rugs.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, that was from something as well. Oh yeah, stuff off floors, that's it. Stuff off floors; Jews.. No, well, another thing about Jews, not that, er,
HUTCHBACK
Not that I'm racist.
DR. NOSTRUM
Not that I care. Um, I often thought that, um, Medieval Health and Safety, involved – cause you know we carry heavy things about?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
And I bust things, but, I don't think there was health and safety, but if there was, I reckon you had to put a Jew and a Black at the front of anything heavy that you were carrying downhill, or wherever, you know, in areas of danger...
HUTCHBACK
Jews, Blacks or Irish.
DR. NOSTRUM
Were there Irish, even in Medieval times?
HUTCHBACK
Well, they were Celtic perhaps.
DR. NOSTRUM
But that's probably what it was. The English would be at the back, whipping them – did they whip people then?
HUTCHBACK
I'm sure they did.
DR. NOSTRUM
There's no pictures of it. There's lots of pictures of Egyptians whipping.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, that's cause they had slaves.
DR. NOSTRUM
What, didn't we have slaves?
HUTCHBACK
No, we didn't have slaves...
HUTCHBACK
What, not till late, very late on?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah. It's funny that. All those years...
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, how did we control all the people before?
HUTCHBACK
Well they were serfs weren't they?
DR. NOSTRUM
But we didn't have whips!
HUTCHBACK
No, they didn't need whips.
DR. NOSTRUM
B.. oh, arrows.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, they had men on horses with bows.
DR. NOSTRUM
Bows. So actually they completely bypassed whips in England.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, they went straight to arrows.
DR. NOSTRUM
Arrows. Yeah.
HUTCHBACK
Swords as well.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well arrows, I guess, were like swords from a distance.
HUTCHBACK
Not as effective at killing someone. You know, you'd probably survive an arrow, unless it went in somewhere vital.
DR. NOSTRUM
I don't know, you know, a bit of wood, stone, metal, whatever – get infected, very nasty - without a doctor to put it right. Just like today.
All Talk 43 - Dumb Retail
DR. NOSTRUM
I had a good dumb retail experience today. I was in the pet shop and asked if they had any cat food samples. So the 20 something counter girl says yes and asks the assistant 16 or 17 year old girl to get some, it's behind the door. So the other girl disappears behind the door and rummages around for a bit then comes back with a packet with a picture of a dog on it and says "Is this it?" so the other girl goes "No, the cat food ones have a picture of a cat on them." I said "Yes, it's the secret code." Cause of course the secret code of pet food is...
HUTCHBACK
...A picture of the animal. "Got any parrot food?" she comes out with a huge bag with a picture of an Elephant on it.
DR. NOSTRUM
I didn't get a smile.
HUTCHBACK
No.
I had a good dumb retail experience today. I was in the pet shop and asked if they had any cat food samples. So the 20 something counter girl says yes and asks the assistant 16 or 17 year old girl to get some, it's behind the door. So the other girl disappears behind the door and rummages around for a bit then comes back with a packet with a picture of a dog on it and says "Is this it?" so the other girl goes "No, the cat food ones have a picture of a cat on them." I said "Yes, it's the secret code." Cause of course the secret code of pet food is...
HUTCHBACK
...A picture of the animal. "Got any parrot food?" she comes out with a huge bag with a picture of an Elephant on it.
DR. NOSTRUM
I didn't get a smile.
HUTCHBACK
No.
All Talk 42 - Jew Skin Rugs and The Great White Moyl
DR. NOSTRUM
So, basically, that Neutrogena hand cream is a by-product product, isn't it? It's all the stuff on the floor; they stuff it in a vat, boil it and then sell it to us to put on our hands.
HUTCHBACK
It's this old one again. You know what, you can make an entire...
DR. NOSTRUM
Universe
HUTCHBACK
...Economy out of all the stuff...
DR. NOSTRUM
On the floor.
HUTCHBACK
...on the floor all swept up and turned into something else.
DR. NOSTRUM
By-product products is a definite industry, I don't know how long it's been going,
probably always...
HUTCHBACK
It's like the lampshade industry out of Auschwitz.
DR. NOSTRUM
Skin.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Bits of skin. So the Nazi's had a by-product industry actually...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, they were quite innovative.
DR. NOSTRUM
Why didn't they just throw it all away? That's the thing.
HUTCHBACK
You know...
DR. NOSTRUM
What was the point of keeping any of it? Very Jewish actually.
HUTCHBACK
It's for prestige isn't it? You know, if you had a Jew-skin...
DR. NOSTRUM
Actually, thinking about that, it wasn't Jews, but.. cos that's not popular – maybe in the medieval times it was – but, um...
HUTCHBACK
"I've got a Jew-skin rug"
DR. NOSTRUM
Anyway, true story; Aristotle Onasis...
HUTCHBACK
Cos they do have quite.. have hairy chests.
DR. NOSTRUM
Hairy Jews were in danger! They were an endangered species.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, I mean, it's quite a nice rug.
DR. NOSTRUM
Hairy Back. So if you had a very hairy back – a Jewish hairy back...
HUTCHBACK
They were highly prized.
DR. NOSTRUM
...you wanted to shave your back, otherwise, if the inquisition got hold of you, you'd be for it. You'd be ending up on...
HUTCHBACK
You'd be in at least one, if not two, living rooms. Depends how hairy your chest was.
(pause) I guess, but the thing is, they're not big enough really.
DR. NOSTRUM
No. But maybe toilet mats?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, toilet mats and bathroom mats.
DR. NOSTRUM
Much more appropriate. (pause) But anyway, Aristotle Onasis had whale foreskin leather bar stools.
HUTCHBACK
Nice.
DR. NOSTRUM
Isn't that classy? I mean where do you get whale foreskins from?
HUTCHBACK
From whales. From Jewish whales.
DR. NOSTRUM
But who.. I mean the thing is...
HUTCHBACK
You get a Great White Moyl and he takes of the foreskin with.. (mimes a bite)
DR. NOSTRUM
With his teeth. (pause) I always sang "Moon river, wider than a Moyl." Didn't mean anything, but it sings well. But, (back to Aristotle) what I didn't get was that that was presented as if that was tasteful...
HUTCHBACK
The height...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. That somehow that's what great wealth allowed you to do and it was something to aspire to.
HUTCHBACK
Maybe it's very, very soft leather.
DR. NOSTRUM
It probably was.
HUTCHBACK
The foreskin.
DR. NOSTRUM
The foreskin of a whale, well, it's not leather is it? It's something like chagreen.
HUTCHBACK
Chagreen! No, it's some kind of.. It's whale skin, isn't it.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well it's not called leather.
HUTCHBACK
Alright, but it's thick hide. Whale foreskin. You'd have thought that a better, a more supple material, would be not the foreskin but the tip of the penis.
DR. NOSTRUM
Cause it's more sensitive?
HUTCHBACK
It's more sensitive.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, but not to the person sitting on the stool.
HUTCHBACK
No...
DR. NOSTRUM
It's just more sensitive to the whale, it might not be better quality leather.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, but foreskin, exposed to the sea – barnacles...
DR. NOSTRUM
No, cause it's inside of it, isn't it? Presumably they weren't circumcised, so, you know...
HUTCHBACK
Who knows whether it's the inside or the outside.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, it's the inside isn't it, cause the foreskin..
HUTCHBACK
It could be the outside.
DR. NOSTRUM
Only if it had an erection.
HUTCHBACK
No, what are you talking about, the foreskin just sits there, exposed (pause) to the elements.
DR. NOSTRUM
Hmm.
HUTCHBACK
You know.
DR. NOSTRUM
I'm not sure it does. In a whale I think it's inside a pouch.
HUTCHBACK
How do you know so much about whale foreskins?!
DR. NOSTRUM
I don't, no, it's cos I'm thinking about dolphin penises. They come out (pause) and when they're not out, they're in.
HUTCHBACK
Yes, that's true.
DR. NOSTRUM
They're not dogs, they're not hanging out there for all to see, they're inside.
HUTCHBACK
Well of course, cause it's not aerodynamic.
DR. NOSTRUM
They could use it like a rudder!
HUTCHBACK
So in reality, they don't have foreskins as such, not in the conventional sense. They have a cover...
DR. NOSTRUM
Well apparently they were made from whale foreskin.
HUTCHBACK
Oh, for the internet. If we had the internet we could look it up now.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, but this is the 1980's, so you can't.
HUTCHBACK
Yes, this is the 1980's.
So, basically, that Neutrogena hand cream is a by-product product, isn't it? It's all the stuff on the floor; they stuff it in a vat, boil it and then sell it to us to put on our hands.
HUTCHBACK
It's this old one again. You know what, you can make an entire...
DR. NOSTRUM
Universe
HUTCHBACK
...Economy out of all the stuff...
DR. NOSTRUM
On the floor.
HUTCHBACK
...on the floor all swept up and turned into something else.
DR. NOSTRUM
By-product products is a definite industry, I don't know how long it's been going,
probably always...
HUTCHBACK
It's like the lampshade industry out of Auschwitz.
DR. NOSTRUM
Skin.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Bits of skin. So the Nazi's had a by-product industry actually...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, they were quite innovative.
DR. NOSTRUM
Why didn't they just throw it all away? That's the thing.
HUTCHBACK
You know...
DR. NOSTRUM
What was the point of keeping any of it? Very Jewish actually.
HUTCHBACK
It's for prestige isn't it? You know, if you had a Jew-skin...
DR. NOSTRUM
Actually, thinking about that, it wasn't Jews, but.. cos that's not popular – maybe in the medieval times it was – but, um...
HUTCHBACK
"I've got a Jew-skin rug"
DR. NOSTRUM
Anyway, true story; Aristotle Onasis...
HUTCHBACK
Cos they do have quite.. have hairy chests.
DR. NOSTRUM
Hairy Jews were in danger! They were an endangered species.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, I mean, it's quite a nice rug.
DR. NOSTRUM
Hairy Back. So if you had a very hairy back – a Jewish hairy back...
HUTCHBACK
They were highly prized.
DR. NOSTRUM
...you wanted to shave your back, otherwise, if the inquisition got hold of you, you'd be for it. You'd be ending up on...
HUTCHBACK
You'd be in at least one, if not two, living rooms. Depends how hairy your chest was.
(pause) I guess, but the thing is, they're not big enough really.
DR. NOSTRUM
No. But maybe toilet mats?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, toilet mats and bathroom mats.
DR. NOSTRUM
Much more appropriate. (pause) But anyway, Aristotle Onasis had whale foreskin leather bar stools.
HUTCHBACK
Nice.
DR. NOSTRUM
Isn't that classy? I mean where do you get whale foreskins from?
HUTCHBACK
From whales. From Jewish whales.
DR. NOSTRUM
But who.. I mean the thing is...
HUTCHBACK
You get a Great White Moyl and he takes of the foreskin with.. (mimes a bite)
DR. NOSTRUM
With his teeth. (pause) I always sang "Moon river, wider than a Moyl." Didn't mean anything, but it sings well. But, (back to Aristotle) what I didn't get was that that was presented as if that was tasteful...
HUTCHBACK
The height...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. That somehow that's what great wealth allowed you to do and it was something to aspire to.
HUTCHBACK
Maybe it's very, very soft leather.
DR. NOSTRUM
It probably was.
HUTCHBACK
The foreskin.
DR. NOSTRUM
The foreskin of a whale, well, it's not leather is it? It's something like chagreen.
HUTCHBACK
Chagreen! No, it's some kind of.. It's whale skin, isn't it.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well it's not called leather.
HUTCHBACK
Alright, but it's thick hide. Whale foreskin. You'd have thought that a better, a more supple material, would be not the foreskin but the tip of the penis.
DR. NOSTRUM
Cause it's more sensitive?
HUTCHBACK
It's more sensitive.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, but not to the person sitting on the stool.
HUTCHBACK
No...
DR. NOSTRUM
It's just more sensitive to the whale, it might not be better quality leather.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, but foreskin, exposed to the sea – barnacles...
DR. NOSTRUM
No, cause it's inside of it, isn't it? Presumably they weren't circumcised, so, you know...
HUTCHBACK
Who knows whether it's the inside or the outside.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, it's the inside isn't it, cause the foreskin..
HUTCHBACK
It could be the outside.
DR. NOSTRUM
Only if it had an erection.
HUTCHBACK
No, what are you talking about, the foreskin just sits there, exposed (pause) to the elements.
DR. NOSTRUM
Hmm.
HUTCHBACK
You know.
DR. NOSTRUM
I'm not sure it does. In a whale I think it's inside a pouch.
HUTCHBACK
How do you know so much about whale foreskins?!
DR. NOSTRUM
I don't, no, it's cos I'm thinking about dolphin penises. They come out (pause) and when they're not out, they're in.
HUTCHBACK
Yes, that's true.
DR. NOSTRUM
They're not dogs, they're not hanging out there for all to see, they're inside.
HUTCHBACK
Well of course, cause it's not aerodynamic.
DR. NOSTRUM
They could use it like a rudder!
HUTCHBACK
So in reality, they don't have foreskins as such, not in the conventional sense. They have a cover...
DR. NOSTRUM
Well apparently they were made from whale foreskin.
HUTCHBACK
Oh, for the internet. If we had the internet we could look it up now.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, but this is the 1980's, so you can't.
HUTCHBACK
Yes, this is the 1980's.
All Talk 41 - The Goldilocks Thesis and Tantric Shitting
DR. NOSTRUM
If it was funny it would be interesting...
HUTCHBACK
No, the thing is, I wasn't about to say anything nasty.
DR. NOSTRUM
Like, for example, a wedding speech in reality, rather than on film where the best man eulogises about the size of the groom's shit is a reasonably amusing concept.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, the size, volume and quantity.
DR. NOSTRUM
As a good thing in a prospective husband is, you know, for the parents in law, not what you want to hear, but, it stays with them.
HUTCHBACK
You've got to be able to pinch out a good length, basically.
DR. NOSTRUM
(pause) I wish you could pinch it out. That would be good if you could pinch it off at the length required, (pause) like sausages. Not that you can.
HUTCHBACK
If you had a very muscular...
DR. NOSTRUM
Anus.
HUTCHBACK
...arsehole.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. Well, maybe some people can do that, I don't know, I suppose they can?
HUTCHBACK
Surely it depends on the consistency...
DR. NOSTRUM
Tantric shitters probably can.
HUTCHBACK
No, if it's a very soft turd you probably could.
DR. NOSTRUM
I would have thought it'd have to have a reasonable consistency to be able to do it.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
But tantric shitters probably can...
HUTCHBACK
I think you're looking for, like, the Goldilocks of shit...
DR. NOSTRUM
Goldilocks?
HUTCHBACK
...not too hard, not too soft. Not too hot, not too cold.
DR. NOSTRUM
Goldilocks? What, was she hot or cold?
HUTCHBACK
No! Cos she...
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, the bed?
HUTCHBACK
...liked it just right didn't she?
DR. NOSTRUM
Did she? Oh, (pause) is that what the tale was basically.. an analogy about?
HUTCHBACK
I'm not entirely...
DR. NOSTRUM
Probably was.
HUTCHBACK
...sure if it was an analogy for Coprophilia, for Goldilocks. I was just using it as a metaphor. Cos she liked her porridge not too hot, not too cold, but just right, so you could say...
DR. NOSTRUM
It is an analogous fairytale actually. I never really saw that before. Not just Coprophilia, but sex, probably sex. It's probably about sex. (pause) Which is why the bears all get in bed. They get into bed and...
HUTCHBACK
You know, daddy's too big, baby's...
DR. NOSTRUM
...too small. So she was.. It's a lesbian...
HUTCHBACK
It's a.. She's a.. Basically, it's a lesbian analogy.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yes
HUTCHBACK
Not just lesbian. Bestial.
DR. NOSTRUM
A bestial, lesbian, coprophiliac analogy.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
That's the thesis.
HUTCHBACK
Although the coprophilia is a bit of a strain, literally, it's a bit of a push. It's a bit of a leap.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, well, we got there from the wrong thing, but...
HUTCHBACK
All I meant was...
DR. NOSTRUM
To do it
HUTCHBACK
...in order to use your arse muscles to properly pinch off half way through a turd it has to be the righ.. Cos obviously, too loose and there's nothing to pinch, it would obviously come out in a long stream. Too hard and you'd never get through it.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well it's never that hard. How hard does a turd have to be that you can't chop through it? I mean how many turds can't you chop through for God's sake? It's not like we shit bones or anything.
HUTCHBACK
No, but you know, sometimes those very dark, peaty ones. Those kind of dense...
DR. NOSTRUM
But they're never so hard.. presumably, a turd is never too hard for an anus to chop through it? I don't think that's possible. I don't think that's possible, otherwise if you couldn't follow through you'd be walking around with that turd sticking out your arse (pause) unless you pulled it out with your hand. Anyway, it's not that interesting to me – about shit.
HUTCHBACK
Well, no, this is the basis for all comedy, surely, talking about shit?
DR. NOSTRUM
Well I'm not a fan of toilet humour, but, the idea of tantric shitting – I can imagine there probably are people who have such control over their guts that can..
HUTCHBACK
..shit out animal shapes.
DR. NOSTRUM
(pause) Well, you'd have to have a very wide anus to do that, but, you know...
HUTCHBACK
Well, you know, as long as the animals are reasonably symmetrical.
DR. NOSTRUM
Most animals are symmetrical. (thinks) What animals aren't symmetrical?
HUTCHBACK
Well, beyond a snake, obviously, that doesn't require much, but no, that would be a talent.
DR. NOSTRUM
(still pursuing the unknown) All animals are symmetrical.
HUTCHBACK
That would be a talent.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, it would be a talent. Can you imagine that on 'The Generation Game'? No, but I would say, if you did that, if you could pinch one off, you then, presumably, cause you've practiced, have the guts to pull what's left...
HUTCHBACK
Draw it back.
DR. NOSTRUM
...back up.
HUTCHBACK
Draw it back up to take more energy out of it.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, you draw it back up so you don't get a skid mark, that's the point. If someone could just do that...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
I think animals can do that can't they?
HUTCHBACK
Tantric, self cleaning anus.
DR. NOSTRUM
That animals...
HUTCHBACK
Animals can't do that! What are you talking about? Have you never seen a dog running around with...
DR. NOSTRUM
Turds falling out their arse.
HUTCHBACK
...turds dripping out of it's f..
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, but that's just cos they're not feeling well.
HUTCHBACK
No.
DR. NOSTRUM
They can do most of that on demand. You know, they can stop a shit.
HUTCHBACK
I don't think they can.
DR. NOSTRUM
You don't think so? (long pause) That's too much shit. How did we get there? Ah, yes, the wedding speech.
HUTCHBACK
It wasn't our fault, it was the wedding speech that did it.
If it was funny it would be interesting...
HUTCHBACK
No, the thing is, I wasn't about to say anything nasty.
DR. NOSTRUM
Like, for example, a wedding speech in reality, rather than on film where the best man eulogises about the size of the groom's shit is a reasonably amusing concept.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, the size, volume and quantity.
DR. NOSTRUM
As a good thing in a prospective husband is, you know, for the parents in law, not what you want to hear, but, it stays with them.
HUTCHBACK
You've got to be able to pinch out a good length, basically.
DR. NOSTRUM
(pause) I wish you could pinch it out. That would be good if you could pinch it off at the length required, (pause) like sausages. Not that you can.
HUTCHBACK
If you had a very muscular...
DR. NOSTRUM
Anus.
HUTCHBACK
...arsehole.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. Well, maybe some people can do that, I don't know, I suppose they can?
HUTCHBACK
Surely it depends on the consistency...
DR. NOSTRUM
Tantric shitters probably can.
HUTCHBACK
No, if it's a very soft turd you probably could.
DR. NOSTRUM
I would have thought it'd have to have a reasonable consistency to be able to do it.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
But tantric shitters probably can...
HUTCHBACK
I think you're looking for, like, the Goldilocks of shit...
DR. NOSTRUM
Goldilocks?
HUTCHBACK
...not too hard, not too soft. Not too hot, not too cold.
DR. NOSTRUM
Goldilocks? What, was she hot or cold?
HUTCHBACK
No! Cos she...
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, the bed?
HUTCHBACK
...liked it just right didn't she?
DR. NOSTRUM
Did she? Oh, (pause) is that what the tale was basically.. an analogy about?
HUTCHBACK
I'm not entirely...
DR. NOSTRUM
Probably was.
HUTCHBACK
...sure if it was an analogy for Coprophilia, for Goldilocks. I was just using it as a metaphor. Cos she liked her porridge not too hot, not too cold, but just right, so you could say...
DR. NOSTRUM
It is an analogous fairytale actually. I never really saw that before. Not just Coprophilia, but sex, probably sex. It's probably about sex. (pause) Which is why the bears all get in bed. They get into bed and...
HUTCHBACK
You know, daddy's too big, baby's...
DR. NOSTRUM
...too small. So she was.. It's a lesbian...
HUTCHBACK
It's a.. She's a.. Basically, it's a lesbian analogy.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yes
HUTCHBACK
Not just lesbian. Bestial.
DR. NOSTRUM
A bestial, lesbian, coprophiliac analogy.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
That's the thesis.
HUTCHBACK
Although the coprophilia is a bit of a strain, literally, it's a bit of a push. It's a bit of a leap.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, well, we got there from the wrong thing, but...
HUTCHBACK
All I meant was...
DR. NOSTRUM
To do it
HUTCHBACK
...in order to use your arse muscles to properly pinch off half way through a turd it has to be the righ.. Cos obviously, too loose and there's nothing to pinch, it would obviously come out in a long stream. Too hard and you'd never get through it.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well it's never that hard. How hard does a turd have to be that you can't chop through it? I mean how many turds can't you chop through for God's sake? It's not like we shit bones or anything.
HUTCHBACK
No, but you know, sometimes those very dark, peaty ones. Those kind of dense...
DR. NOSTRUM
But they're never so hard.. presumably, a turd is never too hard for an anus to chop through it? I don't think that's possible. I don't think that's possible, otherwise if you couldn't follow through you'd be walking around with that turd sticking out your arse (pause) unless you pulled it out with your hand. Anyway, it's not that interesting to me – about shit.
HUTCHBACK
Well, no, this is the basis for all comedy, surely, talking about shit?
DR. NOSTRUM
Well I'm not a fan of toilet humour, but, the idea of tantric shitting – I can imagine there probably are people who have such control over their guts that can..
HUTCHBACK
..shit out animal shapes.
DR. NOSTRUM
(pause) Well, you'd have to have a very wide anus to do that, but, you know...
HUTCHBACK
Well, you know, as long as the animals are reasonably symmetrical.
DR. NOSTRUM
Most animals are symmetrical. (thinks) What animals aren't symmetrical?
HUTCHBACK
Well, beyond a snake, obviously, that doesn't require much, but no, that would be a talent.
DR. NOSTRUM
(still pursuing the unknown) All animals are symmetrical.
HUTCHBACK
That would be a talent.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, it would be a talent. Can you imagine that on 'The Generation Game'? No, but I would say, if you did that, if you could pinch one off, you then, presumably, cause you've practiced, have the guts to pull what's left...
HUTCHBACK
Draw it back.
DR. NOSTRUM
...back up.
HUTCHBACK
Draw it back up to take more energy out of it.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, you draw it back up so you don't get a skid mark, that's the point. If someone could just do that...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
I think animals can do that can't they?
HUTCHBACK
Tantric, self cleaning anus.
DR. NOSTRUM
That animals...
HUTCHBACK
Animals can't do that! What are you talking about? Have you never seen a dog running around with...
DR. NOSTRUM
Turds falling out their arse.
HUTCHBACK
...turds dripping out of it's f..
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, but that's just cos they're not feeling well.
HUTCHBACK
No.
DR. NOSTRUM
They can do most of that on demand. You know, they can stop a shit.
HUTCHBACK
I don't think they can.
DR. NOSTRUM
You don't think so? (long pause) That's too much shit. How did we get there? Ah, yes, the wedding speech.
HUTCHBACK
It wasn't our fault, it was the wedding speech that did it.
The History of The U.S. U.K. Gallon discrepancy.
It was none other than Frederick Bean (Tex) Avery, the creator of Daffy Duck, Droopy and Mickey Mantle, that prompted the creation of the small U.S. gallon.
Dr Nostrum recalls fondly the free-wheelin' wind up the skirts holiday with Tex and J Edgar Hoover that caused the final parting of the ways with the Mother country. Neither Tex nor J Edgar liked Fred Quimby much, so he never came along.
J Edgar had been in one of his Texan phases, really for the benefit of Tex, who was the ideal man to lap it all up. On one of the lazier afternoon's J Edgar was sauntering around in his 8.32 Gallon Hat, waving it at all and sundry and flashing a bit of leg. Getting no response, Tex felt the need to big J Edgar up and began insisting that he was a bigger man than an 8.3, and that J Edgar was a 10 all the way in his eyes. And any man that's a 10 should be wearing a 10 gallon hat.
Unfortunately the 10 gallon hat was too big for J Edgar and thus the 8.3 was renamed. The measurement system soon followed with J Edgar reasoning that there was a great psychological benefit to all Americans of being able to say that they could fill up anything with more gallons than their European competitors could for the same amount of work.
Dr Nostrum recalls fondly the free-wheelin' wind up the skirts holiday with Tex and J Edgar Hoover that caused the final parting of the ways with the Mother country. Neither Tex nor J Edgar liked Fred Quimby much, so he never came along.
J Edgar had been in one of his Texan phases, really for the benefit of Tex, who was the ideal man to lap it all up. On one of the lazier afternoon's J Edgar was sauntering around in his 8.32 Gallon Hat, waving it at all and sundry and flashing a bit of leg. Getting no response, Tex felt the need to big J Edgar up and began insisting that he was a bigger man than an 8.3, and that J Edgar was a 10 all the way in his eyes. And any man that's a 10 should be wearing a 10 gallon hat.
Unfortunately the 10 gallon hat was too big for J Edgar and thus the 8.3 was renamed. The measurement system soon followed with J Edgar reasoning that there was a great psychological benefit to all Americans of being able to say that they could fill up anything with more gallons than their European competitors could for the same amount of work.
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