All Talk 68 - Do People Do This?

They re-enter the dungeon. We miss some of the conversation,
then...

HUTCHBACK (CONT'D)
How do you write things together?

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, you just say stuff...

HUTCHBACK
No, surely you want to write it?

DR. NOSTRUM
No! Well, not at the moment you're
talking about it. I told you, I
found this, this is what I found in
the, um, that Peter Cook book, is
that this is how they wrote all
their sketches, they just talked
and then they typed it up and
that's all they did, so we might as
well do that, why not?

HUTCHBACK
Alright.

DR. NOSTRUM
That's what I did before, you know.

HUTCHBACK
OK, well, fair enough.

DR. NOSTRUM
So, it starts with, um...

HUTCHBACK
If you want to type it all up,
that's great. (Hutchback laughs,
then suddenly business-like). OK.
So, where are we? We have... OK so
we don't start with any... we don't
need any...

DR. NOSTRUM
No, we don't need an episode.

HUTCHBACK
... episode. We don't really need
any, er, scenes, it's just...

DR. NOSTRUM
It's the whole thing.

HUTCHBACK
... what happens.

DR. NOSTRUM
The whole thing.

HUTCHBACK
OK, so...

DR. NOSTRUM
It's effectively, starting to say
like, "Green is... an out of
work...

HUTCHBACK
Cunt.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well...

HUTCHBACK
TV Drama Producer.

DR. NOSTRUM
... we have got that first thing,
which is already on the Dr. Nostrum
Blogradigm.

HUTCHBACK
Alright, well I'll tell you what we
should do then, just...

DR. NOSTRUM
We can print that out at least and
refer to it.

Huge feedback occurs in The Dr's recording device as he turns
his recorder on.

DR. NOSTRUM (CONT'D)
(yells as his ears are
hammered)
O-Ahheey! (he turns it down) Fuck
off!

HUTCHBACK
I need power!

DR. NOSTRUM
(to himself)
It's cos I had the monitor on, I
want the monitor off.

The Hutchback goes to find power and see if he can drum up
earlier scribbling's but comes back empty handed, he's lost
them, so asks the Dr. if he has a copy of their first ideas
for their Meisterwerk.

DR. NOSTRUM (CONT'D)
I can't remember if I printed it
out, I think I did actually print
it out or uploaded it somewhere.
Let me see if I can find it, the
thing...

HUTCHBACK
I can't believe we've lost those.
How did you lose them?

DR. NOSTRUM
I don't know. I think it's because
in my exchange from PC to, er, that
little Sony PC, I think they've all
gone, they may be... I just can't
find 'em, they may be on a disk
where I downloaded everything, you
know, whaddaya call them? An off...
What do you call it?

HUTCHBACK
(ignoring the Dr)
So we don't need to break it down
into episodes, but...

DR. NOSTRUM
No, no. Not at all. We, we... if we
can think of it, we'll mention it,
you know, we'll just talk about it,
what it's gonna be, something
funny, what happens when, when
things happen. I just said to Rat
that, you know, we'll do something
and then I'll send it to him and
then just he said "Any help you
need let me know." And I said,
"Does that include writing it?"

They laugh.

HUTCHBACK
"Does that include doing all the
heavy lifting?"

DR. NOSTRUM
No, no. I said "Does that include
sitting in on a writing session?"
But what I said was that we hadn't
talked about it for a few months so
I wasn't thinking that he'd
immediately want to sit down and,
um, have a go at it, cos I kind of
imagined what we'd be doing anyway,
which is pretty much what we've
done, which is nothing. So, er, I
didn't think that was the best way
to start with somebody who doesn't
know us. Cos at some point you want
to do something, even though... it
causes issues. So if we can just
get the Blogradigm thing and print
it out. Have you got a printer?

HUTCHBACK
No.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, we can just look at it...

HUTCHBACK
(overlapping)
Just look at it.

DR. NOSTRUM
... let's look at it.

HUTCHBACK
Well, um, I'll bring it up on here,
we can have a double monitor.
What, you've got the whole thing
written in Dr. Nostrum?

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. It's blog... blog...

HUTCHBACK
No, I've got it in the email. I've
got the email that you, um.

DR. NOSTRUM
No, I changed it.

HUTCHBACK
(reading the email)
"Green is a once famous and
successful drama TV producer...

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, but I changed it a bit. I
added more. Well, actually I'm not
sure, cos I did change, yeah, yeah
I did, I expanded on it, cos I
expanded the actual writing of C
Au. but we'll do that more.

HUTCHBACK
But the thing is, you said, as
you've said, we need to bring in C.
A. much earlier.

DR. NOSTRUM
Not yet. We don't have to do that
yet. I'm just saying that what we
are doing is fine and then if we
are advised to change what we're
doing then we will, but... at the
moment let's just do what we're
doing cos people like it. That's
what I thin, that's why it's not a
problem. It's not a problem not
knowing what the hell we're doing.
Wait until someone tells you, what
you said; "No, that won't happen.
That won't happen." At the moment
no-one's said that.
All that's someone said is "Half
the people will want to kill you
and half the people will want to
give you awards." That was the
comment I liked best, what it was
actually was that "They're all Jews
and half of them will want to kill
you and half of them will want to
give you awards."

HUTCHBACK
(looking online)
How do you... I can't see any of
the earlier blogs.

DR. NOSTRUM
There's a thing.

HUTCHBACK
Oh, there.

DR. NOSTRUM
There's a thing somewhere, I don't
know when it was, it wasn't that
long ago, it was like, last month.

HUTCHBACK
(reading)
TACOT, they're all cunts out there.

DR. NOSTRUM
No, it wasn't...

HUTCHBACK
Here. I've got it. I've got it.
"Green is a once famous successful
TV Drama producer..."

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. So if we...

HUTCHBACK
OK. So. OK, should we... OK, so
let's just read through...

DR. NOSTRUM
... and then make it bigger.

HUTCHBACK
... each chunk.

DR. NOSTRUM
And see if there's things to add

HUTCHBACK
(overlapping)
And see if there's anything to add.

DR. NOSTRUM
That's it, so...

HUTCHBACK
So. I'll read it out. "Green is a
once famous and successful drama TV
producer...

DR. NOSTRUM
(looking on his computer)
Well where is it? I haven't got it
now.

HUTCHBACK
No, but you can just start...

DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, I need to look at it. I
need to look at it. Where... What
date is it?

HUTCHBACK
Just, just...

DR. NOSTRUM
What month, nine?

HUTCHBACK
No, I just went to 'older'

DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, OK. I'm doing it now. I'm doing
it... OK... Oh, no, it's not doing
it... (sounds of frustration)
Uuuaahr!...

HUTCHBACK
(carrying on hesitantly)
"He's offered a small job in
reality TV...

DR. NOSTRUM
(overlapping)
No. No, no, no! Aach, God! "Older"
there you go, "Older"

HUTCHBACK
"He hates it with a passion and
hates the life that's forced him to
take the job." OK, so...

DR. NOSTRUM
Character. But more. Just more,
that's all!

HUTCHBACK
OK, so, what we need to add is... I
think that we should show him
actually doing... doing a show.
Like, you need to show how shit his
life is...

DR. NOSTRUM
OK

HUTCHBACK
... how meaningless. You need to
set up, I think you need to set up
some kind of... Also you need to
show that he was someone quite big
somehow...

DR. NOSTRUM
(overlapping)
Yeah!

HUTCHBACK
... so, perhaps that could be...

DR. NOSTRUM
But that could just be a comment...

HUTCHBACK
... yes, a reference...

DR. NOSTRUM
... at an awards ceremony.

HUTCHBACK
... a reference, or someone needs
to "Oh, didn't he... Didn't he used
to be..." you know.

DR. NOSTRUM
There's a... I thought of... since
what happened to me, meeting this
guy Rat, I actually thought that
some of these... all these things
where people meet each other, you
know, all these places where
comments happen, all these parties,
I thought they could be
Barmitzvah's.

HUTCHBACK
They're all Barmitzvah's.

DR. NOSTRUM
They're all Barmitzvah's. Is
that... that Green is dragged along
to, because we're on the journey,
that's part of his journey, so the
Barmitzvah of his son who he can't
s... you know, his son...

HUTCHBACK
Maybe...

DR. NOSTRUM
So that's possible?

HUTCHBACK
Maybe. I don't think we should make
it too Jewish.

DR. NOSTRUM
No. Well, they're not really Jewish
things anymore, I think that's
another thing, is that there's
probably something in that, you
know, that in his Barmitzvah you've
got, I don't know, something else,
you know?

HUTCHBACK
OK, so he's making this really,
fucking... we need to find the most
mundane, derivative, predictable,
boring, Reality TV show.

DR. NOSTRUM
"That's My Dog."

HUTCHBACK
No, no. It would... it would be
involving z-list celebrities...

DR. NOSTRUM
(thinking cap on)
OK.

HUTCHBACK
... they would be in some place
together, doing, sort of,
something...

DR. NOSTRUM
And has that happened yet? When we
start the whole thing that we want
to start, don't we start it from
the fact that he isn't doing
anything at all? I think that's the
thing, he's not doing anything at
all and he's forced to take a job
making these kind of shows, because
his wife...

HUTCHBACK
(overlapping)
OK. OK, alright, yeah that's
fine...

DR. NOSTRUM
... is driving him nuts.

HUTCHBACK
... that's fine. Well, we don't
need to have... I think the wife
driving him nuts thing isn't very
good. I think we should cut that. I
think it should be implicit, but
not explicit. We shouldn't show her
saying, you know, "Where's the
fucking money?"

DR. NOSTRUM
No, no. No I'm just saying that,
you know, you just see his huge
life...

HUTCHBACK
Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM
He's got a huge life and he hasn't
got any work...

HUTCHBACK
Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM
... and no-one will talk to him.

HUTCHBACK
OK.

DR. NOSTRUM
That's the thing...

HUTCHBACK
So.

DR. NOSTRUM
... you could say that. You know.
"Green lives in a huge house
with...

HUTCHBACK
OK, so basically, he goes in to
pitch his new film...

DR. NOSTRUM
OK. That's good.

HUTCHBACK
OK. And he ends up being offered a
jobbing role as a Reality TV
producer.

DR. NOSTRUM
That's right. "No, we can't offer
you that, but...

HUTCHBACK
"But, we've got this...

DR. NOSTRUM
"New thing...

HUTCHBACK
"Great project, this great project.
We've got this great project, um,
and we were waiting for the right
guy, er, and we think you'd be...

DR. NOSTRUM
OK.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM
That's good, so the most mundane
show you can think of would be...

HUTCHBACK
So let's give him quite a good,
sort of...

DR. NOSTRUM
Film.

HUTCHBACK
... film project that he's got.
That he's been working on for like
ten years, it's his script, you
know, he's written a script, he's
producing it. It's like, it's...
it's... it's...

A phone starts ringing.

DR. NOSTRUM
Or maybe it's your book?

HUTCHBACK
(incredulous)
My book?

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. Your book. Your book about
dating, why not?

The phone is still ringing.

HUTCHBACK
That's not a film.

DR. NOSTRUM
Why not? Why can't it be a film?

HUTCHBACK
It isn't a very good film.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well why are you writing it then?

HUTCHBACK
(answers the phone)
Hello? Hi. Yes, I'm fine. (it's
Mrs. Hutchback and Hutchback
becomes suddenly very subservient
and concilliatory. Hutchback
emasculated) Yeah, I bought you a
jar but I couldn't remember what
to, er, what, um, what you wanted
it for so I didn;t know what si...
Oh. OK, it's fine... For sugar? But
we've got a sugar one. Anyway,
well, it'll be fine. And I bought
you two cake tins... Cos they had
to come in two, they didn't come in
one's. Well, there was one but it
was more expensive than two cos it
had a carrying handle and all sorts
of nonsense that you don't need.
So... Yeah... We haven't eaten it
yet. We're about to actually. Well,
I'm about to. It's alright, the Dr.
as far as I know, isn't allergic to
nuts.

DR. NOSTRUM
No.

The Dr. Starts playing back some of the recording of the
'writing'

HUTCHBACK
... Yeah... Yeah...

DR. NOSTRUM
There we go!

HUTCHBACK
OK... Alright.

DR. NOSTRUM
There we go, look at that, look at
that! Mute. Mute.

HUTCHBACK
... Alright...

DR. NOSTRUM
Mute.

HUTCHBACK
... What?

DR. NOSTRUM
I am mute.

HUTCHBACK
No, no...

We break for the remainder of the Hutchback's marital
digression. They resume writing, starting with some tea and
cake.

HUTCHBACK (CONT'D)
Yes, I'm... well, Green Tea.

DR. NOSTRUM
And the way, for example, the way I
would suggest, should anyone ever
ask us to write an episode, is this
is also the way you write an
episode, because, what you're
doing, just things like, instead of
actually doing it, you know "You
got any cake?" "You want some tea?"
That is more important than...
That's what you write.

HUTCHBACK
(making tea and cake)
What? You mean...? Sorry, I've lost
track of which level of reality
we're taking about now.

DR. NOSTRUM
If...

HUTCHBACK
Are you talking about in the show?

DR. NOSTRUM
If we have...

HUTCHBACK
(overlapping)
You mean if we need to shoe them
writing a...

DR. NOSTRUM
If... No. Oh, yeah. In the show...

HUTCHBACK
OK.

DR. NOSTRUM
... If they are supposed to write
an episode, this is, I think, what
they do.

HUTCHBACK
OK, yeah. Fine. I thought you meant
If we were asked to write an
episode this is what we would do.
But this is what we would do.

DR. NOSTRUM
That's why it works.

HUTCHBACK
This is the confusing thing about
writing the show. Especially when
we actually start writing it.
That's when it'll get really
confusing.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well I think that might be why you
need a writer. That's...

HUTCHBACK
That's when we both have nervous
breakdowns.

DR. NOSTRUM
No. I don't know, I can't imagine
you having a nervous breakdown
about that.

HUTCHBACK
No, well, OK, maybe you'll have
one.

The Hutchback finds this very amusing and chuckles away in
the background.

DR. NOSTRUM
I might have one, but, mine is more
likely to be about the fact that
people keep asking me what I'm
doing.

HUTCHBACK
And you can't tell them.

DR. NOSTRUM
I can't tell 'em. Plus the fact
that you get all this stuff about
people telling you, "You've gotta
re-write it, you've gotta re-write
it, you gotta re-write it, you
gotta re-write it, you gotta re
write it, you gotta re-write it,
Oh? You're in hospital? Oh,
alright?

HUTCHBACK
(wasn't listening)
What's that?

DR. NOSTRUM
(repeating himself)
Well, that's the more likely thing,
is, should anything come of it,
it's that. "Oh, you gotta re-write
it, you gotta re-write it... No, I
don't like it, you've got to re
write it. What about re-writing
this? What about that, I don't like
that. What about that? What about
this? We've got to have it by
tomorrow. Oh, you're in hospital?
Doesn't matter." That's the kind of
thing that is more tricky than just
doing this.

HUTCHBACK
OK. So, his film, what's his film?

DR. NOSTRUM
(overlapping)
So we think that Green is, I mean
if it's a premise, rather than an
episode, you're saying "Green is...
a once..." start with that, as it
says. "Green is a once famous..." I
just can't, this is so strange. Who
does this? Do lots of people do
this?

HUTCHBACK
No.

DR. NOSTRUM
Are you using a magazine as floss?

HUTCHBACK
Just getting a piece of Turkey out
of my teeth.

DR. NOSTRUM
Right. You've got to try the monkey
wrench yet. Put the Viakal on
the... That's what you should be
doing...

HUTCHBACK
(of course)
Oh, yeah!

DR. NOSTRUM
... whilst we're doing this. Put
the Viakal on the...

HUTCHBACK
Fucking Viakal...

DR. NOSTRUM
... nut.

HUTCHBACK
... obsessive. You're a Viakal
obsessive.

DR. NOSTRUM
No, I'm a timing Nazi.

HUTCHBACK
What?

DR. NOSTRUM
I actually thought that was a very
good description. I'm a timing
Nazi.

HUTCHBACK
(chuckling again)
"Do people do this?" Actually
that's quite a good line...

DR. NOSTRUM
What?

HUTCHBACK
We should keep that in, in some
way. You know, "Do people..." you
know him looking at the guy, his
writing partner doing something...

DR. NOSTRUM
What, Zack and Jimmy?

HUTCHBACK
... Ludicrous, and he says "Do
people do this?" That could be
his... we could use that a lot. "Do
people do this?"

DR. NOSTRUM
Do what?

HUTCHBACK
No! It's whatever Jimmy's doing
that's insane. Or Zack, whichever
one's the insane one.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well it's just ideas. Oh, you mean
the ideas?

HUTCHBACK
N-n-n-no, no, no, no, no! Jimmy
just starts doing something...
strange, like picking his teeth
with a magazine...

DR. NOSTRUM
Oh. I see. Is that what I said to
you? "Do people do this?"

HUTCHBACK
"Do people do this?"

DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, right, OK. OK. "Do people
listen to the words that come out
their mouths?"

HUTCHBACK
It's a good line.

DR. NOSTRUM
OK.

HUTCHBACK
You need to write that down
somewhere.

All Talk 67 - Deathbed Regrets, Curry Eating & Pointless Diarising

DR. NOSTRUM
Oh Boy.

HUTCHBACK
(beat)
Not more of this! Why do they do
this, The Guardian?

DR. NOSTRUM
Is it the universe again?

HUTCHBACK
Why does everything do this? "A
Thousand 'X's To See Before You
Die."

DR. NOSTRUM
What?

HUTCHBACK
"A Thousand 'X's to 'X' before you
die."

DR. NOSTRUM
Like ex-wives?

HUTCHBACK
No, no, no. A thousand "things"...

DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, right.

HUTCHBACK
... or "thing" before you die...

DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, yeah.

HUTCHBACK
... and you can replace "thing"
with anything.

DR. NOSTRUM
Anything? So it's a thousand
"anythings"...

HUTCHBACK
No. This one's "A Thousand
'Artworks' To See Before You Die."
As if people need to see an artwork
before they die.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, A thousand is a lot Isn't it,
really?

HUTCHBACK
It's a hell of a lot.

DR. NOSTRUM
It used to be a hundred. It's
another example of inflationary
thinking, just this idea that you
can do, you know, a thousand
things. Imagine doing a thousand
important things in your life. Be
lucky to do one. Have you seen 'em
all? I guess you can just look at
'em all online.

HUTCHBACK
No. Yes, I suppose that is the
problem. Well, I've seen the second
one on the list. They haven't put
them in order because they don;t
want to appear to be dic..
dictating the, the, the...

DR. NOSTRUM
Value.

HUTCHBACK
... the, um,

DR. NOSTRUM
The value of some...

HUTCHBACK
No, the, um, what's it called?

DR. NOSTRUM
I don't know. (pause) Quality?

HUTCHBACK
No. No, they don't want to be
falling into the whole canonical
sort of, er, sort of mainstream by
saying "these are the top ten
greatest artworks of all time".
It's a sort of anti-list list.

DR. NOSTRUM
It probably used to be "Top Ten"
didn't it? And now, now it's "One
Thousand"

HUTCHBACK
Yeah, but it's sort of an
annoyingly egalitarian way to talk
about it. I think. Why not just say
"These are the twenty you need to
see, the rest are quite good, but
you won't die, sort of regretting
having seen them." (sarcastically)
As if that's likely to be the case.
As if that's likely to be what
you're thinking whilst you're
dying...

DR. NOSTRUM
I wish I'd seen...

HUTCHBACK
... "Fuck, I wish I'd seen that
Titian!"

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, you know what Gielgud said on
his deathbed? I can't imagine that
he did, but he might have done, He
said, asked did he have any regrets
"Yes, I wish I'd had more sex."
That's not bad.

HUTCHBACK
That's not bad, no. I'd like to get
to the point where you think,
"Well, that's enough sex, it's far
too much effort." I like the fact
that I don't have a sex drive any
more... It's very annoying when
you're twenty.

DR. NOSTRUM
(overlapping, quips)
And so does your wife.

HUTCHBACK
... yeah. (laughs) take my wife.
(beat - back to the art anti-list)
Oh, I do like that one though.

DR. NOSTRUM
What? A piece of Artwork?

HUTCHBACK
Erm, this thing here that they've
only got a small picture of.
Maurizio Catalan, 'The Ninth Hour'
It's a great sculpture.

DR. NOSTRUM
Where is it?

HUTCHBACK
Where is it? (looking) They don't
really say where they are.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, how are you s'posed to see
them?

HUTCHBACK
You must have seen this before? It
is a very good sculpture.

DR. NOSTRUM
No, I've never seen it.

HUTCHBACK
You've never see that, The Pope
struck down by a meteorite?

DR. NOSTRUM
It's good. It's one of those 'real'
one's yeah?

HUTCHBACK
Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM
Or is it miniature?

HUTCHBACK
No, no, it's big. You see, there's
not enough jokes, there's not
enough comedy in Art, that's the
problem.

DR. NOSTRUM
No.

HUTCHBACK
It's all far too serious.

DR. NOSTRUM
A bit po faced.

HUTCHBACK
Oh, I went to 'Frieze'. God, it was
annoying. Was it annoying last time
or did we enjoy it? We laughed a
lot didn't we?

DR. NOSTRUM
Mrs. Nostrum didn't enjoy it, it
was all a bit of a hassle and you
don't see much quality.

HUTCHBACK
Yes. Which is a good description of
life in general. Not much quality,
but a lot of aggravation.

DR. NOSTRUM
She had another wonderful
accidental description of
behaviour. I was making something,
or I bought something new and asked
her "Would you like to try it?" she
said "No, I don't want to try it in
case I don't like it." Which I
think is a fabulous catch-all
description of a certain type of
existence. (pause) Well, did you
see anything that you would buy?

HUTCHBACK
Erm.

DR. NOSTRUM
Or you would want on your walls?

HUTCHBACK
God, no. Wouldn't have any of that
shite on my walls, any of that god
awful tat. (beat) Twenty-two
minutes.

DR. NOSTRUM
Of what?

We never find out, they eat and mumble through their food.
Then...

HUTCHBACK
Do you want a knife?

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.

HUTCHBACK
Cos those turkey bits are quite
wiry.

DR. NOSTRUM
And they've also got bit of gristle
in them.
Hmm, that was a really good thing
someone attributed to, um, that
fella who was married to Madonna, a
quote more observant than any of
his films, was that when they did
get to, er, close, he said "it was
like cuddling a piece of gristle."

HUTCHBACK
Hmm, I can see that.

DR. NOSTRUM
And his mum said the most fabulous
thing, so fabulously English and
posh, she said "He knew what he was
getting into, but what do you
expect when you deal with that end
of the market?"

HUTCHBACK
Yeah, I mean, I was always quite
surprised by that, that union. What
di she see in him? And likewise,
what did he see in her?

DR. NOSTRUM
Well...

HUTCHBACK
Money.

DR. NOSTRUM
That's what she suggested, but then
his family's very wealthy, so...?

HUTCHBACK
Okay, she was buying into this...
Manor, English country Manor.

DR. NOSTRUM
She was a stranger in a strange
land. I can't imagine dinner, the
family dinner's if that's what his
mum was thinking I can't imagine
the family was anything but very...
bony.

HUTCHBACK
Of course.

DR. NOSTRUM
Sharing a good laugh with Madonna
about the irony of her latest
single. A woman entirely without
irony I think.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah. Well you've got to be, you
know, cold eyed... a cold eyed
killer to get where she's got.

DR. NOSTRUM
Or a secret paedophile.

HUTCHBACK
Yes.

DR. NOSTRUM
One or the other. (beat - on to the
food) It's alright isn't it, out of
a jar? If that was thinner, or
thicker.

HUTCHBACK
No, it's good!

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.

HUTCHBACK
Who makes it?

DR. NOSTRUM
Er, I think it's the British Curry
Club.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah. I mean it would take a good
hour to make curry sauce that's
better than that, so it's
definitely a.. boon.

DR. NOSTRUM
Cos it's a Vindaloo that's just,
sort of, sour. Like you said that's
it's s'posed to be.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM
I've never had one, but... I guess
Vindaloo add water is a Pathia,
just add water and gradually dilute
it and add more tomatoes and
onions.

HUTCHBACK
(scathingly)
You don't "just add water". You add
more onions, you put in less
chilli.

DR. NOSTRUM
(referring to the meal)
Not an overly complex cuisine is
it? Real thing's pointlessly,
needlessly complex when you can buy
it in a jar. What are they doing
all these chefs? I like the idea of
companies that sell us tap water,
filtered tap water.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah, at least it's honest.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well it wasn't. You know Dasani...

HUTCHBACK
Well, yeah, yeah, but the one's
that actually tell you that it's
tap water.

DR. NOSTRUM
Amusingly, everywhere you go in
Nashville, "Would you like Dasani?"
It's not, "Would you like water?

HUTCHBACK
Just turn on the tap...

DR. NOSTRUM
Out comes Dasani.

HUTCHBACK
Hot and cold running Dasani. In
every house.

DR. NOSTRUM
And the benefit is it's all
drinkable. I guess in the far
future...

HUTCHBACK
They don't call it rain anymore.
"Dasani light"

DR. NOSTRUM
That wouldn't be a bad advert: A
man struggling through the desert
"Dasani! Dasani!"

They polish off the remainder of their plates, then...

HUTCHBACK
Right. I have to go and buy a
spanner.

DR. NOSTRUM
What?

HUTCHBACK
I have to go and buy a spanner. So,
we have to drive and record.

DR. NOSTRUM
Okay.

HUTCHBACK
En route.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, that's alright. You don't
have a spanner in the house? What
about pliers?

HUTCHBACK
Not a spanner, I need a... what are
those things called? A monkey
wren.. Not a monkey wrench, what
are those things called?

DR. NOSTRUM
I don't know what 'the thing' is?

HUTCHBACK
An adjustable spanner.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well why don't you just get one the
right size?

HUTCHBACK
Because I don't know what the size
is. And I want to get one that can
do...
and it's not for a bolt, it's for a
shower head. It's completely...

DR. NOSTRUM
Seized up.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM
Have you tried, um, putting
limescale all over it? Have you
tried that first, cos that's the
simplest thing you can do. Instead
of buying a spanner, is to buy
Viakal. Just pour Viakal all over
it, leave it for twenty minutes,
then open it. I mean, if you don't
have an adjustable spanner and you
desperately need one...

HUTCHBACK
Well, you know, a trip to the, um,
to Bee and Queue might give us
plenty of things which, you know,
would be quite superior.

DR. NOSTRUM
How long have we got today, to come
up with anything useful? Because by
the end of today we should at least
have the opening to this...
Synopsis. Cos I like the idea that
there's a different way to write,
which is by people who don't write.
And therefore you just put down on
the page what you think is funny.

HUTCHBACK
Isn't that how...

DR. NOSTRUM
No, I don't think it is cos the guy
was telling me cos I said "Well,
how do you do this?" And he said,
"Well, there's a good book by
William Goldman," who wrote plenty
of stuff, and I said - there's a
good thing we could put in - "What,
who wrote Lord Of The Flies?"
Coming from a writer, that's quite
good. He said, "No, that's William
Golding." He had to put me right.
So now, when I mention to him...

HUTCHBACK
"There's a good book by William
Goldman." "What, you mean the guy
from Six Million Dollar Man?" "No,
that's Oscar Goldman"

DR. NOSTRUM
This stuff, there's nothing we can
do but write this stuff. So anyway,
I've ordered it online.

HUTCHBACK
But what? How long's that going to
be?

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, he just set down... it lays
out... He's written loads of books,
which aren't his books or
screenplays, but just about how you
lay out screenplays and he says
they're still very apt for how
Hollywood likes to see things. Cos
he's thinking Hollywood, he's not
thinking Britain at all.

Hutchback chokes with laughter.

HUTCHBACK
Of course.

DR. NOSTRUM
That's what I've been saying to
you, that where we're headed, I
hope, is to recreate the Seinfeld
scene, where you know... but
unfortunately we're both George,
that's the trouble.

HUTCHBACK
There isn't the talented one,
there's just the other one.

DR. NOSTRUM
I like the idea of keeping on going
to the point where you have to ask
your work for, what are they
called? A sabb...

HUTCHBACK
A sabbatical.

DR. NOSTRUM
... to, er, write a TV series.

HUTCHBACK
(sarcastically)
Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM
From an advance from, er, Mad TV.
"What's it about?" "Can't tell
you." (beat) I went to this place
called, um, I don't know, something
Elephant. It's got really good,
um... mailshots, they're quite
good, that come through the door,
with great quotes from respected
food writers about how great this
thing... and I went there and
bought some, it's just a kitchen,
like the one you've got round the
corner.

HUTCHBACK
Mm.

DR. NOSTRUM
And it was all just...

HUTCHBACK
Was it Camden?

DR. NOSTRUM
There are a few, there's a couple
of them, can't remember what
they're called... The Mad
Elephant...

HUTCHBACK
The Praying Elephant?

DR. NOSTRUM
I don't know, something Elephant,
but, um, It's just, It just tastes
like salt. Salt with a layer of
onions. Just about edible, but I
would never have it again.

HUTCHBACK
Mm.

DR. NOSTRUM
And the mixed tandoori ame in a
nice deep dish and I thought "Oh,
that's good." except, that much
from the bottom of the dish
(indicates a few millimeters) was
onions. So. They know what they're
doing with these mailshots.

HUTCHBACK
Mm, and who were these dubious food
writers?

DR. NOSTRUM
I don't know, just people like, um,
there's the Time Out review, er,
er, The Evening Standard review,
but htey must have all been, you
know, off one particular location,
off one particular chef, cos it's
the same flyer for all location but
I obviously didn't go to the one
that was written about. So there's
a good one out there somewhere "The
best Indian take-away I've ever
tasted in my life".

HUTCHBACK
They probably just made the whole
thing up.

DR. NOSTRUM
Mm. But it was very well done, so
you know, I fell for it. If you do
it well enough... people come. Have
you got Viakal?

HUTCHBACK
No.

DR. NOSTRUM
Anything? Any de-scaler or anything
like? Cos whilst we're going out...

HUTCHBACK
No. No, I don't.

DR. NOSTRUM
Cos that's probably, that's all
that's happened, it's just seized
up with the limescale.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah I'm sure. We have cake... for
later.

DR. NOSTRUM
I thought you were suggesting we
put that on the shower. No, I
haven't got Viakal, I've got cake.

They finally have polished off the meal.

HUTCHBACK
That was very nice, thank you.

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, it's all right isn't it?

HUTCHBACK
Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM
So have you been wii-fitting?

HUTCHBACK
Um, no, I just use it to weigh
myself. It's just a very expensive
scales.

DR. NOSTRUM
One in which you have no concept of
whether it's accurate or not.

HUTCHBACK
No, no, no it's totally accurate.
It's a lot more accurate than the
set of scales we've got, that
varies by three pounds from one day
to the next.

DR. NOSTRUM
I was talking to the builder, to
the decorator who was gonna come
and do our castle. Did the Keates
ever come out here?

Keates is a decorator in his 60's often in the employ of the
Good Doctor.

HUTCHBACK
Expensive.

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, well, he can be expensive.
He's not expensive to me for some
reason, but there we are, but he
was saying he loves all this
computer stuff, he plays wii almost
all the time and he said, you
know... it was a real embarrassment
when it gave him his wii age of 80,
or something like that, in front of
his family, so now he's trying to
get his wii age down, this
decorator, essex decorator. I
suppose it could replace your real
age.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM
I've got to say...

HUTCHBACK
But it's just about balance.

DR. NOSTRUM
But that's what I was thinking
watching it. Watching you show us
how great it all was it just made
me think "it's a very expensive way
to put your back out." You could do
it far, far more cheaply by holding
something heavy over your head
whilst climbing a ladder.

HUTCHBACK
No, it was fun for a while, but I
just can't... If you actually,
seriously want to do exercise it's
kind of a pain. Far better to just
go for a run. (beat) So? What do we
need to write today?

DR. NOSTRUM
We'll try and expand on the
synopsis. Just start.

HUTCHBACK
Just start? Just start doing it. So
we actually have to sit and write
to start?

DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, we just talk.

HUTCHBACK
Well that's no good.

DR. NOSTRUM
Yes it is, it's fine.

HUTCHBACK
No, no, you have to write.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, it's only what I did last
time. It's just, I'd like to write
something we can send to the
writer.

HUTCHBACK
Now, my phone can record stuff.

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, so can mine but I can never
understand what I'm saying.

HUTCHBACK
Oh.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well we can try it.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah, mine will be better.

DR. NOSTRUM
Mine just went (makes loud
crackling noises)

HUTCHBACK
We'll do a little test.

DR. NOSTRUM
And how long will it record for?

HUTCHBACK
Well it's got about four gig of
memory on it so it should be
plenty.

DR. NOSTRUM
A lot of 'em have a thing where
they turn themselves off after a
minute though. "I missed it, I
missed the greatest joke ever
told!"

HUTCHBACK
Right. (a couple of beeps sound)
It's recording at high quality.

DR. NOSTRUM
We'll just have to try and
summarise the show.

HUTCHBACK
There you go.

DR. NOSTRUM
We don't need high quality.

HUTCHBACK
It can record fifty three minutes
at high quality.

Hutchback plays back his last sentence.

DR. NOSTRUM
OK, well that can run whilst
we're... You know there was some
bloke, did you read or see about
this guy, there's this bloke who's
written literally for like the last
fifty years he wrote in his diary
every fifteen minutes.

HUTCHBACK
(not listening at all)
Ah, now you see. Now, it's saving
it onto the... Oh, it says it can
only record an hour. That's very
strange, the maximum clip length is
one hour, even though it's saving
it onto the memory card. It's not
that interesting I suppose?

DR. NOSTRUM
No.

HUTCHBACK
OK, so?

DR. NOSTRUM
We don't have to turn it on now.

HUTCHBACK
No, no, just when we get in the
car.

DR. NOSTRUM
Um. No, I think we just have to...
No, this bloke, he was a married
bloke and he wrote a diary entry
every fifteen minutes and when he
slept he slept for, like, a maximum
of three hours and then he'd get up
and write in the book and he's done
it for about thirty years.

HUTCHBACK
(overlapping)
He's insane, yes?

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, this is what they were
suggesting. He's a... he was a
vicar, or something.

HUTCHBACK
Right.

DR. NOSTRUM
And his wife, when he didn't write
in it, if he wasn't at the diary he
would, you know, call up his wife
and tell her what to write. Imagine
being married to that. He did that
and it seems that it's all just
complete mundain rubbish, rubbish,
you know, nothing...

HUTCHBACK
(laughing)
"I sat down"

DR. NOSTRUM
... Yeah. It's stuff like that, "I
had a piece of cake, wasn't bad"

HUTCHBACK
"I've been sitting now, for an
hour, I'll give you an update in
fifteen minutes."

DR. NOSTRUM
Mm.

HUTCHBACK
"Still sitting"

DR. NOSTRUM
Mm. Just stuff like that.

HUTCHBACK
"I'm watching telly."

DR. NOSTRUM
Cos, you know cos he thinks he's
creating... the reason he did it,
he wanted to create an important
historical document (Hutchback
laughs mockingly) And maybe it will
be, but it's just, er...

HUTCHBACK
Well, there is a long history of
the history of nobodies.

DR. NOSTRUM
Hmm.

HUTCHBACK
OK, so let's start recording...

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, we've got a couple of good
things, well, one good thing, I
think doggie creampies is quite
good.

HUTCHBACK
Doggie creampies... yeah.

They go out.

All Talk 66 - On The Unlikely Cause Of The Global Financial Crisis

Enough about Tempur...

HUTCHBACK
(distracted)
That's interesting!

DR. NOSTRUM
No. Oh, Is it?

HUTCHBACK
Well, sort of vaguely... not really
interesting.

DR. NOSTRUM
What is it, a cricket score?

HUTCHBACK
No, no. If hull win today by 16
goals they go top of the league.

Football (soccer) discussion follows for several minutes
which I judiciously edit out for your reading 'pleasure'.
Then.

DR. NOSTRUM
(on the curry)
Right, it's ready, do you want any?

HUTCHBACK
Yeah, sure.

DR. NOSTRUM
Do you have... You don't have a
microwave.

HUTCHBACK
Yes of course we have a microwave.
No modern Human can live without a
microwave.

DR. NOSTRUM
Even Tramps.

HUTCHBACK
They walk around with them.

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. Looking for power outlets.
Actually, that's not a bad thing
too, if Tramps, for food, you give
them food, ready made food... and
someone says to them "Have you got
a microwave?" (Tramp replies) "Oh,
yeah, yeah, I've got a microwave"

HUTCHBACK
(matter of factly)
Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM
"Of course I've got a microwave."
(pause) "I haven't got a house."
This second life thing, Aussie
Chris had a good idea: talking
about real estate and how the real
estate in Second Life is going up,
which it is, which is really
strange in itself, but you know,
and that people are speculating...

HUTCHBACK
(overlapping)
People are now speculating on
Second Life real estate...

DR. NOSTRUM
No, they do...

HUTCHBACK
(disparagingly)
Fucking Hell.

DR. NOSTRUM
... and he said, "well, I could
sell my house." He said "I might as
well sell my house and buy an
island and just walk ar... you
know, just live on the street with
my computer."

HUTCHBACK
Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM
So if somebody says "Where do you
live?" You say "I live in
there."...

HUTCHBACK
Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM
... "It's going up."

HUTCHBACK
Yes. You see, I think this
perfectly exemplifies the stupidity
of the housing market, that: you
buy a house to live in, not to make
money out of.

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, well, but, I'm not sure. I'm
not sure what Second Life is
dependant on at all, can you
imagine Second Life having a
financial crisis?

HUTCHBACK
(imagining)
Well.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, I mean the idea that banks on
Second Life have speculated wildly
against the price of rising
imaginary real estate...

HUTCHBACK
Mm. And the value of the imaginary
money is now worthless.

DR. NOSTRUM
But also that...

HUTCHBACK
The imaginary money is now
worthless.

DR. NOSTRUM
... their valuation was completely
unrealistic.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM
Cause it doesn't exist.

HUTCHBACK
In fact, the whole international
crisis is caused by people
offsetting bad debts into mortgages
in Second Life.

All Talk 65 - On Breaking Glass, Dog Creampies and Ruining Other People's Homes

HUTCHBACK
Yeah. (beat) Now, I've been
breaking glass recently...

DR. NOSTRUM
(sorry to hear that)
Oh.

HUTCHBACK
... Inadvertently. Two large
breakages, er, on two of our
holidays...

DR. NOSTRUM
Oh. Hmm?

HUTCHBACK
... and I'm wondering whether this
means anything.

DR. NOSTRUM
It means you're clumsy.

HUTCHBACK
Yes. It means... that's the most
obvious thing it means. I'm
wondering if it means anything
else?

DR. NOSTRUM
Isn't breaking glass a metaphor for
a new, er, new stages of life,
isn't that what it's about,
originally? That's why the, er...

HUTCHBACK
I think, Jewish, maybe...

DR. NOSTRUM
I think that's why they...

HUTCHBACK
... but not...

DR. NOSTRUM
No, cos they all said that, er, in
Russian weddings...

HUTCHBACK
Yeah?

DR. NOSTRUM
Which is kind of... weird, I didn't
know that really.

HUTCHBACK
So, I broke a window, in France.

DR. NOSTRUM
I've broke... I've broken wind.

HUTCHBACK
I broke a window, er, in a Chateau.

DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, really? Bloody Hell.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah. That was quite annoying.

DR. NOSTRUM
Did you admit to it?

HUTCHBACK
Yeah, of course! (laughs) No, I
drew the curtains and left!

DR. NOSTRUM
(practicing excuses)
"Well, a bird must have flown into
it."

HUTCHBACK
A small remote control aeroplane
flew into the room...

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, you could say a small bird,
well, a big bird...

HUTCHBACK
No, no no. No, it, um...

DR. NOSTRUM
"It was an Eagle, Fuckin' 'ell, I
think it was an Eagle!"

HUTCHBACK
No, it's, so I, er, I broke it just
by closing it.

DR. NOSTRUM
Oh.

HUTCHBACK
Just by closing it, you know, it;s
one of these old... It was an old
Chateau, big windows...

DR. NOSTRUM
Wasn't one of these old lead
windows was it?

HUTCHBACK
... stiff, quite stiff.

DR. NOSTRUM
14th century window?

HUTCHBACK
(miming effort)
Close, close... wham, smash!

DR. NOSTRUM
Smash? What the whole thing?

HUTCHBACK
Yeah, the whole thing just went,
just... fell out. (The Dr. Is
fiddlging with the stove) What have
you done? Are you gassing us? Well,
it's appropriate.

DR. NOSTRUM
It doesn't smell bad does it?

Hutchback coughs.

DR. NOSTRUM (CONT'D)
It's not bad I think.

HUTCHBACK
Do you want... That's what they
said in the gas ovens.

DR. NOSTRUM
"Doesn't smell bad."

HUTCHBACK
"Doesn't smell bad?"

DR. NOSTRUM
"Not bad this smell." Actually,
that's been partially my week this
week. We got a new boiler put in
and unbeknownst to me, because they
didn't tell me, the company that
did it, that make the boiler, went
into liquidation on fri... er, last
friday and the boiler started
giving off these fumes. So, I call
'em up and you can't get through to
anyone...
regular British service stuff...
So, basically I had to kind of,
force them to get back to me by
suggesting that if I died, that
wouldn't be very good for anyone.
Cos I think the kind of idea is
they ignore all the calls from
people who are enraged because they
paid 'em for a new boiler just
because they've already paid them,
but they can't easily ignore a call
from someone who says their product
might kill them.

HUTCHBACK
Mm. And then glass breakage number
two...

DR. NOSTRUM
Yes?

HUTCHBACK
... was actually way better. This
is in Spain, on our second
holiday...

DR. NOSTRUM
OK

HUTCHBACK
You see, I don't need to be a
writer, I can afford two holidays a
year.

DR. NOSTRUM
No, it is good, it really is good.
Although if you're a writer, your
life is one long holiday.

HUTCHBACK
Just one where you haven't got any
money.

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.

HUTCHBACK
So you can't... eat, drink, or
um... make merry.

DR. NOSTRUM
(overlapping)
Break windows

HUTCHBACK
Break windows. no, so, um, this was
quite good: We spend the whole
weekend in this flat, er, in Spain,
er, borrowed it off, er, we were...
we were lent the flat by, er...

DR. NOSTRUM
Nice flat?

HUTCHBACK
It was OK.

DR. NOSTRUM
Expensive windows?

HUTCHBACK
No, it wansn't as nice as our flat,
but, we got it for free so you
can't complain.

DR. NOSTRUM
No. Well...

HUTCHBACK
Um, well you can complain...

DR. NOSTRUM
You can.

HUTCHBACK
... but you'd be a cunt if you did.
As we know.

DR. NOSTRUM
Yep.

HUTCHBACK
Um, and then on the last day, we
were stacking up all the outside
furniture on the balcony...

DR. NOSTRUM
Right.

HUTCHBACK
... and I was moving stuff around,
and we had a big round table that
we'd been kind of putting stuff on
the whole week...

DR. NOSTRUM
Mm-hmm.

HUTCHBACK
... covered in a table cloth and I
thought, oh, OK, I'll just move
this, out the way...

DR. NOSTRUM
Right.

HUTCHBACK
... so I picked it up, like this...

DR. NOSTRUM
The big round table?

HUTCHBACK
Big round table... just shif...

DR. NOSTRUM
Made of what?

HUTCHBACK
Well, yeah...

DR. NOSTRUM
Glass?

HUTCHBACK
This is what I didn't know. So, I
just moved it half a foot, just to
move it out of the way. Let it go
and the whole thing just toppled
over... It was basically this thin,
wicker, sort of like a drum...

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.

HUTCHBACK
... with this huge round piece of
glass just resting on the top.

DR. NOSTRUM
Mmm.

HUTCHBACK
Not attached. And they hadn't
thought to tell us!

DR. NOSTRUM
No, they hadn't thought to tell you
because of course everybody moves
these things around.

HUTCHBACK
Well...

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, you know...

HUTCHBACK
What, moving a table?

DR. NOSTRUM
No, I know it's good.

HUTCHBACK
That's not an unlikely event...

DR. NOSTRUM
No.

HUTCHBACK
... tables are not nailed to the
floor.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, they are in pubs aren't they.

HUTCHBACK
N... No.

DR. NOSTRUM
Though why, I'm never sure.

HUTCHBACK
They're not nailed to the floor in
pubs! What are you talking about?

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, they're bolted to the floor,
some of them are bolted to the
floor.

HUTCHBACK
Only in the lower class pubs.

DR. NOSTRUM
(big sigh)
So it went did it? Bloody Hell.

HUTCHBACK
The whole thing toppled over, but
it was this huge piece of glass
that balanced on a piece of wicker
basket that was that wide.

DR. NOSTRUM
Wow. Yeah, I understand.

HUTCHBACK
It was just totally precarious and
obviously there was no weight in
the base so any kind of... Anyway
the whole thing just went and
shattered everywhere. It was very
thick glass. And we were about to
leave for the airport.

The Dr. has a good laugh at the Hutchback's expense.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, that's how it works!

HUTCHBACK
That's always how it works?

DR. NOSTRUM
No, it is, it is how it works! M
and I in Nashville, we stayed at,
you know, the first time we're very
generously given the opportunity to
stay at the house of this record
company exec...

HUTCHBACK
And you accidentally raped the dog
on the last day!

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, no, I did that earlier, but
the, um... cos the dog, you know,
was very, er, slow and, er, mellow.

HUTCHBACK
We say rape, but we don't know
because the dog couldn't speak for
itself.

DR. NOSTRUM
No, she was consensual.

HUTCHBACK
But she couldn't speak for herself.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well she didn't say anything! She
didn't put up a, er, she didn't
complain. Anyway, er, you know the
dog was one of these sort of,
er....

HUTCHBACK
How did she behave afterwards,
though, that's the question?

DR. NOSTRUM
Cold shoulder.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM
Cold cunt.

HUTCHBACK
She didn't return your calls.

DR. NOSTRUM
No, she was immediately licking
herself clean. Er, what do they
call that? Creampie. She was
licking her own creampie.

HUTCHBACK
Doggie creampies. That's not good.

DR. NOSTRUM
No, but it probably exists
somewhere.

HUTCHBACK
(imagining the horror)
Ahh.

DR. NOSTRUM
No, I'm not going to look that up
on the net.

HUTCHBACK
Well, purely for research purposes.

DR. NOSTRUM
That's right, anyway, erm, the last
day we were in his house,
everything had been fine and, er,
he had old food in the fridge, so I
stuffed it down the waste disposal
and, er, including twelve eggs,
which went down the waste disposal
and then put on the dishwasher...

HUTCHBACK
Ending?

DR. NOSTRUM
... and all the sink started
filling up, water coming up,
everything coming up... turned
everything off, had to zoom down
to... and this guy's house is
spotless and he is, um, OCD...

HUTCHBACK
And he's an anal retentive...

DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, he is, he's an OCD guy who,
I mean, you know, he called up
three times in the first three days
just to say where things were. I
think, I mean maybe, it was er,
quite a struggle to accept having
done this but he was really great
and he called afterwards to say
things like, um, "could you just
tell me which videos you took out
of the drawer cos I put them in a
special order." And I said "I knew
you put them in an order but I
couldn't figure out what it was."
And he said, "Oh, well, it's by the
actor...

HUTCHBACK
By ISDN number.

DR. NOSTRUM
No, but wait, it was the actor and
then the genre. So he has a Pacino
set, but each...

HUTCHBACK
Pacino, but within each Pacino
group, there's a sub-group...

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, there's a sub-grouping.

HUTCHBACK
But that makes perfect sense.

DR. NOSTRUM
So... I... and meanwhile he turned
up, and the thing is, is, I
couldn't get the water down. So, he
turned up with a sink, you know,
half full...

HUTCHBACK
Full of eggs, rotten eggs...

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, eggs and the scum on the top
of the water. Well, I tried with
the Drano, I called him, I said I
don't know what to do...

HUTCHBACK
Well you can't put Drano down a
full sink.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well they make this stuff in
America that you can put down
anything. Basically, it clears
everything. But, what it was, he
says "Oh, no, you can't turn on...
you can't have both the...

HUTCHBACK
But no, you can't pour it into a
sink full of water.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, no, I was trying to make
it...

HUTCHBACK
It dilutes.

DR. NOSTRUM
They've got this really thick
stuff, I was trying to make it...
They've got this really thick heavy
stuff that goes straight through
the water...

HUTCHBACK
Oh, does it?

DR. NOSTRUM
... into the drain.

HUTCHBACK
(irony)
It's amazing what they've got in
America.

DR. NOSTRUM
And he said to me, eventually, he
said "Did you turn on the waste
disposal at the same time as having
the dishwasher on?" I said "Yes" he
said "You can't do that." Of
course.

HUTCHBACK
Of course.

DR. NOSTRUM
Cos, you know that.

HUTCHBACK
Yes.

DR. NOSTRUM
You know.

HUTCHBACK
You see, there you go.

DR. NOSTRUM
And that's the thing, you see there
is...

HUTCHBACK
They forget to tell you!

DR. NOSTRUM
And then it's ruination.

HUTCHBACK
They lend you, they loan you their
places and then, selfishly, forget
to tell you critical information.

DR. NOSTRUM
Selfishly, they just leave it hanging
that "I'm out of pocket 370
dollars."

HUTCHBACK
Yup. you got away, well, no,
actually, I think we both... I'm
out of pocket 300 Euros. About the
same.

DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, no, that's... he said that.

HUTCHBACK
Oh. You didn't have to pay him?
I've got to pay!

DR. NOSTRUM
No. No, I had to pay him.

HUTCHBACK
Well, then, there you go.

DR. NOSTRUM
No, not had to pay him. I paid him
half.

HUTCHBACK
For what? Oh, a plumber.

DR. NOSTRUM
Er, yeah, I paid half the plumber's
fees and I offered that, he didn't
ask, he just left it hanging. You
know, but he is connected to the
mafia, so I thought I'd better...

HUTCHBACK
I like that, an entire mafia outfit
all with OCD.

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.

HUTCHBACK
Constantly, constantly checking how
many bullets they've got in the
chamber. Counting them in, counting
them out.

DR. NOSTRUM
No, I mean you could tell, I like
the guy, he's a very nice guy, when
you go into the house, with his...
he's a family guy...

HUTCHBACK
But he's not really mafia.

DR. NOSTRUM
But it's one of these things like,
all the pictures, they're all
pointing in the same direction.

HUTCHBACK
What, you mean, out from the wall?

DR. NOSTRUM
No, no no no no...

HUTCHBACK
As opposed to in towards the wall?

DR. NOSTRUM
No, I didn't get the description
right. Photographs of his family,
he's got loads of photographs of
his family and his wife and so on,
on tables and they're all...

HUTCHBACK
Oh, I see.

DR. NOSTRUM
... pointing in the same
direction...

HUTCHBACK
OK

DR. NOSTRUM
... and things like that.

HUTCHBACK
Oh, right, OK.

DR. NOSTRUM
But, very amusingly, he said, one
of the first things he said to me
was "have you heard of Tempur?"

The Hutchback laughs, this is an old joke between the Dr. and
his trusty servant, the magical and near mythical substance
Tempur having been recommended to the Hutchback by the Dr. as
a pillow, years previously, which subsequently put the Hutchback's neck out
permanently.

HUTCHBACK
Ahh.

DR. NOSTRUM
I said "Yeah."

HUTCHBACK
He said "Oh, well, my mattress is
Tempur."

DR. NOSTRUM
You're one of the only two people
in the whole of England who've been
sucked in to the whole Tempur scam.

HUTCHBACK
He says it's great, but one of the
things it does is it get's really
hot, so even in the middle of
winter you only sleep with, um, a
sheet, cos it puts out loads of
warmth, which is not something that
it actually did, but there we are.