Thursday 23 September 2010
The Mission Continues!
They're back, after a year of contractual difficulties, The Dr. and Hutchback resume their journey towards the greatest Television Show never written. Thus time in Glorious Screenplayorama...
All Talk 60 - It's Not Momentum
(the Doctor and Hutchback are out in the world, looking for monkey wrenches and plotting their future successes)
DR. NOSTRUM
We have to go to Lakeland to get
Bunny grips.
HUTCHBACK
(pulling DR. NOSTRUM out
of the shop)
Thank you. Bye. (On the street
HUTCHBACK praises the DR.) See,
you're learning as well.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, they do seem to be reasonably
oblivious.
HUTCHBACK
They're completely oblivious, they
don't know what's going on! They
think we actually want to buy Bunny
Grips!
DR. NOSTRUM
You've got to go to Lakeland
HUTCHBACK
I don't even know what Lakeland is,
it's this mystical land...
DR. NOSTRUM
It's an oxymoron isn't it?
HUTCHBACK
Well, yes. Lake-land. Well, no, the
land around the lake is still
land...
DR. NOSTRUM
Lake-land.
HUTCHBACK
...and a lake is on land, so that's
fine. (triumphantly) You're wrong.
DR. NOSTRUM
What it is, I think... well, I've
been there and what it's become in
the wide world is a place that
people say you go to, to get things
when they don't know what they are.
HUTCHBACK
(imitating the
proletariat)
Yeah, 'it's alright - Lakeland'.
(Thinks) Now, that would actually
be quite good, a place that
literally, not metaphorically,
literally sold everything: You go
there, you ask for something and
they've got it.
DR. NOSTRUM
Argos
HUTCHBACK
No. Argos doesn't sell everything.
The Doctor isn't convinced.
HUTCHBACK (CONT'D)
No, it doesn't.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, there are 2 concepts: One is,
a shop that everyone tells you to
go to that doesn't exist, at all...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, Oh yeah...
DR. NOSTRUM
...but everyone says you've got to
go to.
HUTCHBACK
(more imitation)
"Where is it? Oh, it's by the
Archway" "Which Archway?" "The
Archway"
DR. NOSTRUM
Well that's what I wondered when he
was talking (the Ironmonger of the
previous episode), which archway
are you talking about?
HUTCHBACK
Well, one would assume he meant
Archway the place.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, well he didn't qualify it for
me.
HUTCHBACK
He did qualify it and then he
described a bit of it that wasn't
really Archway.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, I don't know if you can get a
Monkey Wrench or a Mole Grip there?
HUTCHBACK
Or Bunny Grip?
DR. NOSTRUM
Or a Bunny Grip. Failing that, I
was trying to think, is there
anything else? (Pause) Is there
anything else, there must be a
Parrot-something? Parrot...
Parrots's nose?
HUTCHBACK
Parrot...
They get in the Hutchback's motor-carriage and drive off.
DR. NOSTRUM
I can see where Sacha Cohen gets
his ideas from, I just don't know
how he keeps a straight face?
HUTCHBACK
Yes. That's his comedy. It's all
based around keeping a straight
face.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah
HUTCHBACK
Sure. There's nothing more to it.
No jokes, just keep a straight
face. (Beat) OK. I don't think I
really want to go to Archway.
DR. NOSTRUM
I'm sure there is somewhere else
you can get, er, what you're
looking for...
HUTCHBACK
I mean you can't park.
DR. NOSTRUM
...and it might as well be a place
you can park.
HUTCHBACK
Yes.
DR. NOSTRUM
(distracted)
That's good.
HUTCHBACK
What?
DR. NOSTRUM
(looking at a totally
nondescript family car)
That car.
HUTCHBACK
Why
DR. NOSTRUM
I liked it.
HUTCHBACK
Why is it a good car?
DR. NOSTRUM
It looked useful.
HUTCHBACK
(trying to move on)
Erm...
DR. NOSTRUM
It looked like...
HUTCHBACK
It looked like you could just drive
it...
DR. NOSTRUM
Like it would get the job done...
HUTCHBACK
...and it would just go.
DR. NOSTRUM
...you could put things in it.
HUTCHBACK
(still trying to move on)
Erm...
DR. NOSTRUM
...and it's a good shape. (Pause)
Why don't you just go to Bee and
Queue...
HUTCHBACK
Oh. Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
...If you just drive for 15 minutes
in any direction you're bound to...
HUTCHBACK
No, I know where there's a Bee and
Queue, I just didn't particularly
want to go there, but I think I'm
going to have to.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yes, cos at least at Bee and Queue
you know what you'll get.
HUTCHBACK
We know we'll get treated like
shit! Yes.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, but you'll get... You don't get
treated at all, do you, you just
get what you want. You go in there
and you help yourself to what you
want. A little bit of what you
want...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, but then we don't get any
amusing interactions with the
locals.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, but er, I... It's not what I...
came out for.
HUTCHBACK
Ah, well you see.
DR. NOSTRUM
...it's alright, I enjoy the
diversion, but at the end of the
day, er, we've got to do some
work...
HUTCHBACK
This is work!
DR. NOSTRUM
...and... well, it is work, but
there's more work, which I no doubt
am going to have to do, which is
converting it for the masses, so
you know... that's one of the
things...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
So it's all very enjoyable, you put
it away, you lock it away in a
little space, I e-mail it to you
and you can just... delete it, and
we'll forget all about it.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. (Beat - back to the shopping)
They'll have Jim, er, I mean
they'll have Jar...
HUTCHBACK
Jim-Jar. I've got a Jim-Jar.
DR. NOSTRUM
(adamantly, looking at the
shops they are driving
past)
One of these places will sell...
HUTCHBACK
They won't sell...
DR. NOSTRUM
I'm sure...
HUTCHBACK
They won't sell Monkey Wrenches.
DR. NOSTRUM
There was a place here that had an
ironing board outside it once.
HUTCHBACK
That's not enough. OK, so let's
focus then...
DR. NOSTRUM
(The as yet unwritten TV
show on his mind)
No! I'm focusing... It's just
something I was thinking having
driven along this road, at some
point, I like the idea of the
place, L.A. New York, wherever, can
also be a place where you have
things that don't... you know, like
a body being wheeled down the road
on a gurney by a nurse.
HUTCHBACK
OK. That probably doesn't happen...
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, no, no. But it doesn't
happen... (sarcasm) Like it happens
a lot here? You know, so, er.
HUTCHBACK
It's more likely I would think...
Well, no, I suppose. "Body On
Gurney"
DR. NOSTRUM
Well it was under a cloth, so it
might not have been a body, but,
nevertheless... and it wasn't a
comedy medical student run, it was
just some bloke, you know.
HUTCHBACK
Unlikely that it's "some bloke"
pushing a dead body... You didn't
think to, like, stop him and ask
him what he was doing or anything?
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, why would I?
HUTCHBACK
(sarcastically)
Well, you know... why would you?
It's just a dead body.
DR. NOSTRUM
Um...
HUTCHBACK
There was a bloke carrying a large
sack with what looked like a body
in it...
DR. NOSTRUM
Well you wouldn't stop him and ask
him what he was doing, would you?
Really?
HUTCHBACK
Probably not. You'd probably call
the police.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yes.
HUTCHBACK
Erm, I wonder if people... That
would be quite a good experiment
wouldn't it?
DR. NOSTRUM
Just walk around with a big bag...
HUTCHBACK
Walk around with a big bag with
legs sticking out of it.
DR. NOSTRUM
And an arm. Actually I did see...
you remember er, (silence)
HUTCHBACK
Yeah?
DR. NOSTRUM
What was that? Something, Portrait
Of A Serial Killer name. Mike, or
whatever it was, it wasn't...
HUTCHBACK
Henry
DR. NOSTRUM
Henry, yes. So, er, there was, when
I was driving along, er, one of the
freeways in Nashville, there was
actually a bloke on the side of the
freeway with an enormous bag over
his shoulder, you know, literally a
huge bag, and he just put it down
and got in his car and drove off.
Don't know what he was doing,
but...
HUTCHBACK
Probably didn't have a dead body in
it.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, it was probably just junk,
but, you know...
HUTCHBACK
OK. So let's focus now.
DR. NOSTRUM
(back to the 'TV show')
So it can start with a guy just
looking out his window, saying
something like "They're all cunts
out there."
HUTCHBACK
(acting)
"They're all cunts out there!" Ah,
and it's the van, the Blue Van.
DR. NOSTRUM
Or, you know, you just open the
window, you know "What a cunt."
That's all
HUTCHBACK
So maybe... I don;t even think he
should live in L.A.
DR. NOSTRUM
Why?
Hutchback makes a face as if it were an unlikely scenario to
imagine.
DR. NOSTRUM (CONT'D)
Why? Why can't there be a place in
L.A you can do that? It's not
beyond the realm of possibility
that there is a street in L.A. you
can look out and there's something
parked outside on your street? That
can happen.
HUTCHBACK
OK, you know what?
DR. NOSTRUM
What?
HUTCHBACK
OK, so the reality... OK, it
doesn't matter, because it's not
the fact that you can't park, it's
the fact that it's in front of his
house that bother's him.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yes! It's the fact that it's in
front of his house, that's...
HUTCHBACK
That's what annoyed me. It wasn't
the fact that I couldn't park on
the road...
DR. NOSTRUM
No, I know that...
HUTCHBACK
Yes...
DR. NOSTRUM
...I know that...
HUTCHBACK
No, I'm just clarifying it for
myself.
DR. NOSTRUM
Clarifying your own life for
yourself.
HUTCHBACK
Clarifying my own life for myself.
That's why this character, i.e.
me...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yes, you do this character mostly,
it seems to be easier to base it on
things that happen to you, why not?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
OK?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Whereas the other character...
HUTCHBACK
But the guy in the Mental Asylum...
DR. NOSTRUM
...can be me.
HUTCHBACK
(highly amused)
...is much more likely to be you.
DR. NOSTRUM
Me. Alright, so that's fine, I'm
quite happy to split it like that.
And our other writer, Rat, can base
his experiences on someone who
knows what they're doing.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Like Green.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
So that seems a good split.
HUTCHBACK
Right.
DR. NOSTRUM
Plus the fact that whatshername,
who we should involve, is actually
in TV, which is great help
considering it's about TV.
HUTCHBACK
Oh, yeah, that's a good idea.
DR. NOSTRUM
You know, so... and, when you came
up with Green, she knows John
Frankenheimer, who this,
apparently, this is exactly what's
been happening to him... Is that he
was once this very serious... and
then no-one...
HUTCHBACK
He still makes films.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well he does, but no-one would give
him a job for years, he went
through this enormous crash where
he couldn't get a job, so...
HUTCHBACK
And he was doing MTV Base.
DR. NOSTRUM
So, she thought...
HUTCHBACK
(laughing)
Directing MTV
DR. NOSTRUM
So she thought you could base it on
him, cos she knows, you know, him,
personally and she knows his story
very well, so, it all, kind of,
gelled, you know?
HUTCHBACK
So, in other words, "We have some
momentum."
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, no, not really.
HUTCHBACK
No.
DR. NOSTRUM
I've had momentum before and this
isn't it.
DR. NOSTRUM
We have to go to Lakeland to get
Bunny grips.
HUTCHBACK
(pulling DR. NOSTRUM out
of the shop)
Thank you. Bye. (On the street
HUTCHBACK praises the DR.) See,
you're learning as well.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, they do seem to be reasonably
oblivious.
HUTCHBACK
They're completely oblivious, they
don't know what's going on! They
think we actually want to buy Bunny
Grips!
DR. NOSTRUM
You've got to go to Lakeland
HUTCHBACK
I don't even know what Lakeland is,
it's this mystical land...
DR. NOSTRUM
It's an oxymoron isn't it?
HUTCHBACK
Well, yes. Lake-land. Well, no, the
land around the lake is still
land...
DR. NOSTRUM
Lake-land.
HUTCHBACK
...and a lake is on land, so that's
fine. (triumphantly) You're wrong.
DR. NOSTRUM
What it is, I think... well, I've
been there and what it's become in
the wide world is a place that
people say you go to, to get things
when they don't know what they are.
HUTCHBACK
(imitating the
proletariat)
Yeah, 'it's alright - Lakeland'.
(Thinks) Now, that would actually
be quite good, a place that
literally, not metaphorically,
literally sold everything: You go
there, you ask for something and
they've got it.
DR. NOSTRUM
Argos
HUTCHBACK
No. Argos doesn't sell everything.
The Doctor isn't convinced.
HUTCHBACK (CONT'D)
No, it doesn't.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, there are 2 concepts: One is,
a shop that everyone tells you to
go to that doesn't exist, at all...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, Oh yeah...
DR. NOSTRUM
...but everyone says you've got to
go to.
HUTCHBACK
(more imitation)
"Where is it? Oh, it's by the
Archway" "Which Archway?" "The
Archway"
DR. NOSTRUM
Well that's what I wondered when he
was talking (the Ironmonger of the
previous episode), which archway
are you talking about?
HUTCHBACK
Well, one would assume he meant
Archway the place.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, well he didn't qualify it for
me.
HUTCHBACK
He did qualify it and then he
described a bit of it that wasn't
really Archway.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, I don't know if you can get a
Monkey Wrench or a Mole Grip there?
HUTCHBACK
Or Bunny Grip?
DR. NOSTRUM
Or a Bunny Grip. Failing that, I
was trying to think, is there
anything else? (Pause) Is there
anything else, there must be a
Parrot-something? Parrot...
Parrots's nose?
HUTCHBACK
Parrot...
They get in the Hutchback's motor-carriage and drive off.
DR. NOSTRUM
I can see where Sacha Cohen gets
his ideas from, I just don't know
how he keeps a straight face?
HUTCHBACK
Yes. That's his comedy. It's all
based around keeping a straight
face.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah
HUTCHBACK
Sure. There's nothing more to it.
No jokes, just keep a straight
face. (Beat) OK. I don't think I
really want to go to Archway.
DR. NOSTRUM
I'm sure there is somewhere else
you can get, er, what you're
looking for...
HUTCHBACK
I mean you can't park.
DR. NOSTRUM
...and it might as well be a place
you can park.
HUTCHBACK
Yes.
DR. NOSTRUM
(distracted)
That's good.
HUTCHBACK
What?
DR. NOSTRUM
(looking at a totally
nondescript family car)
That car.
HUTCHBACK
Why
DR. NOSTRUM
I liked it.
HUTCHBACK
Why is it a good car?
DR. NOSTRUM
It looked useful.
HUTCHBACK
(trying to move on)
Erm...
DR. NOSTRUM
It looked like...
HUTCHBACK
It looked like you could just drive
it...
DR. NOSTRUM
Like it would get the job done...
HUTCHBACK
...and it would just go.
DR. NOSTRUM
...you could put things in it.
HUTCHBACK
(still trying to move on)
Erm...
DR. NOSTRUM
...and it's a good shape. (Pause)
Why don't you just go to Bee and
Queue...
HUTCHBACK
Oh. Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
...If you just drive for 15 minutes
in any direction you're bound to...
HUTCHBACK
No, I know where there's a Bee and
Queue, I just didn't particularly
want to go there, but I think I'm
going to have to.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yes, cos at least at Bee and Queue
you know what you'll get.
HUTCHBACK
We know we'll get treated like
shit! Yes.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, but you'll get... You don't get
treated at all, do you, you just
get what you want. You go in there
and you help yourself to what you
want. A little bit of what you
want...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, but then we don't get any
amusing interactions with the
locals.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, but er, I... It's not what I...
came out for.
HUTCHBACK
Ah, well you see.
DR. NOSTRUM
...it's alright, I enjoy the
diversion, but at the end of the
day, er, we've got to do some
work...
HUTCHBACK
This is work!
DR. NOSTRUM
...and... well, it is work, but
there's more work, which I no doubt
am going to have to do, which is
converting it for the masses, so
you know... that's one of the
things...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
So it's all very enjoyable, you put
it away, you lock it away in a
little space, I e-mail it to you
and you can just... delete it, and
we'll forget all about it.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. (Beat - back to the shopping)
They'll have Jim, er, I mean
they'll have Jar...
HUTCHBACK
Jim-Jar. I've got a Jim-Jar.
DR. NOSTRUM
(adamantly, looking at the
shops they are driving
past)
One of these places will sell...
HUTCHBACK
They won't sell...
DR. NOSTRUM
I'm sure...
HUTCHBACK
They won't sell Monkey Wrenches.
DR. NOSTRUM
There was a place here that had an
ironing board outside it once.
HUTCHBACK
That's not enough. OK, so let's
focus then...
DR. NOSTRUM
(The as yet unwritten TV
show on his mind)
No! I'm focusing... It's just
something I was thinking having
driven along this road, at some
point, I like the idea of the
place, L.A. New York, wherever, can
also be a place where you have
things that don't... you know, like
a body being wheeled down the road
on a gurney by a nurse.
HUTCHBACK
OK. That probably doesn't happen...
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, no, no. But it doesn't
happen... (sarcasm) Like it happens
a lot here? You know, so, er.
HUTCHBACK
It's more likely I would think...
Well, no, I suppose. "Body On
Gurney"
DR. NOSTRUM
Well it was under a cloth, so it
might not have been a body, but,
nevertheless... and it wasn't a
comedy medical student run, it was
just some bloke, you know.
HUTCHBACK
Unlikely that it's "some bloke"
pushing a dead body... You didn't
think to, like, stop him and ask
him what he was doing or anything?
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, why would I?
HUTCHBACK
(sarcastically)
Well, you know... why would you?
It's just a dead body.
DR. NOSTRUM
Um...
HUTCHBACK
There was a bloke carrying a large
sack with what looked like a body
in it...
DR. NOSTRUM
Well you wouldn't stop him and ask
him what he was doing, would you?
Really?
HUTCHBACK
Probably not. You'd probably call
the police.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yes.
HUTCHBACK
Erm, I wonder if people... That
would be quite a good experiment
wouldn't it?
DR. NOSTRUM
Just walk around with a big bag...
HUTCHBACK
Walk around with a big bag with
legs sticking out of it.
DR. NOSTRUM
And an arm. Actually I did see...
you remember er, (silence)
HUTCHBACK
Yeah?
DR. NOSTRUM
What was that? Something, Portrait
Of A Serial Killer name. Mike, or
whatever it was, it wasn't...
HUTCHBACK
Henry
DR. NOSTRUM
Henry, yes. So, er, there was, when
I was driving along, er, one of the
freeways in Nashville, there was
actually a bloke on the side of the
freeway with an enormous bag over
his shoulder, you know, literally a
huge bag, and he just put it down
and got in his car and drove off.
Don't know what he was doing,
but...
HUTCHBACK
Probably didn't have a dead body in
it.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, it was probably just junk,
but, you know...
HUTCHBACK
OK. So let's focus now.
DR. NOSTRUM
(back to the 'TV show')
So it can start with a guy just
looking out his window, saying
something like "They're all cunts
out there."
HUTCHBACK
(acting)
"They're all cunts out there!" Ah,
and it's the van, the Blue Van.
DR. NOSTRUM
Or, you know, you just open the
window, you know "What a cunt."
That's all
HUTCHBACK
So maybe... I don;t even think he
should live in L.A.
DR. NOSTRUM
Why?
Hutchback makes a face as if it were an unlikely scenario to
imagine.
DR. NOSTRUM (CONT'D)
Why? Why can't there be a place in
L.A you can do that? It's not
beyond the realm of possibility
that there is a street in L.A. you
can look out and there's something
parked outside on your street? That
can happen.
HUTCHBACK
OK, you know what?
DR. NOSTRUM
What?
HUTCHBACK
OK, so the reality... OK, it
doesn't matter, because it's not
the fact that you can't park, it's
the fact that it's in front of his
house that bother's him.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yes! It's the fact that it's in
front of his house, that's...
HUTCHBACK
That's what annoyed me. It wasn't
the fact that I couldn't park on
the road...
DR. NOSTRUM
No, I know that...
HUTCHBACK
Yes...
DR. NOSTRUM
...I know that...
HUTCHBACK
No, I'm just clarifying it for
myself.
DR. NOSTRUM
Clarifying your own life for
yourself.
HUTCHBACK
Clarifying my own life for myself.
That's why this character, i.e.
me...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yes, you do this character mostly,
it seems to be easier to base it on
things that happen to you, why not?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
OK?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Whereas the other character...
HUTCHBACK
But the guy in the Mental Asylum...
DR. NOSTRUM
...can be me.
HUTCHBACK
(highly amused)
...is much more likely to be you.
DR. NOSTRUM
Me. Alright, so that's fine, I'm
quite happy to split it like that.
And our other writer, Rat, can base
his experiences on someone who
knows what they're doing.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Like Green.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
So that seems a good split.
HUTCHBACK
Right.
DR. NOSTRUM
Plus the fact that whatshername,
who we should involve, is actually
in TV, which is great help
considering it's about TV.
HUTCHBACK
Oh, yeah, that's a good idea.
DR. NOSTRUM
You know, so... and, when you came
up with Green, she knows John
Frankenheimer, who this,
apparently, this is exactly what's
been happening to him... Is that he
was once this very serious... and
then no-one...
HUTCHBACK
He still makes films.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well he does, but no-one would give
him a job for years, he went
through this enormous crash where
he couldn't get a job, so...
HUTCHBACK
And he was doing MTV Base.
DR. NOSTRUM
So, she thought...
HUTCHBACK
(laughing)
Directing MTV
DR. NOSTRUM
So she thought you could base it on
him, cos she knows, you know, him,
personally and she knows his story
very well, so, it all, kind of,
gelled, you know?
HUTCHBACK
So, in other words, "We have some
momentum."
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, no, not really.
HUTCHBACK
No.
DR. NOSTRUM
I've had momentum before and this
isn't it.
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