Right. I'm about to use Turbo-lok,
I like the idea that at parties
he's always trying to recognize
I have a... this bit might not fly
cos it's a bit too, kind of...
About him being a colonic
Well, but the very first...
...it's a bit too broad.
The very first thing about him was
that everything he does is
connected to shit. Now, that's
That bit's good.
Yeah. People like that. So at the
moment, you could say "At the
moment he's a part time..."
alright, so that's what we'll say.
OK. What, people like..? What do
you mean people like that?
Well, Rat liked it, Ermy liked
Oh, that everybody who's connected
Yeah. It's just a good character
It's a very simple catch-all
statement, that everything he's
ever done is somehow connected to
Well the thing is that there's not
that many jobs.
Well, there's sewer works and
We can find things
Water re-processing plant. Um. You
know? Oh! Er, dog... dog walker.
Yeah, dog walker, that was the
other one. "A connection to shit."
So, we've got, like, dog walker...
Clinical waste disposal, kind of...
you know, he's a kind of garbage
man for clinical waste disposal.
Well, dog walker or park attendant,
whatever it is.
"Dog walker..." Street-cleaner,
that's fine so he's a street
Right, I'm about to go and...
... do my thing.
Did you put Viakal on it?
The whole thing will fall off the
The Hutchback leaves to attend to his plumbing problem as the
doctor types up their 'Treatment' for a minute or two, then
returns triumphantly holding the shower head.
Ta-daa! Amazing. Amazing. As I was
doing it I was thinking "That's a
very, very costly way to..." I
mean, I was paying a lot there to
undo one nut.
Yeah. But you're...
I may in the future need that thing
again, but... And now, this!
The Hutchback brandishes an earlier purchase.
Oh. You needed a hose. Very good.
Have you got, er, you won't have
it. I should have told you... it
doesn't matter it's just something
that helps... PTFE tape. It's tape
that you wrap around things that
you screw together to stop water
getting through the bits, um, if
you ever remember to get it: PTFE
tape. OK? Undo it... it's useful,
you do it all the junctions, you
just wrap a little bit round and it
stops the... it stops them leaking
at all. It's what plumbers use,
so... but never mind.
Never mind. Fuck it, eh? Fuck it.
More plumbing and typing ensues as the Hutchback goes to
install the hose before returning to get the Turbo-lok
Right. Now, I do need it again! Cos
I can't do it tight enough.
That's what you need that tape for.
No, no. I just need the.. thing.
Yet more plumbing and typing. Then.
Tur-bollock is a truimph! A
triumph. See, you would have made
me buy that cheap one...
And it would have been perfectly
And it would have been just as
good, but I wouldn't have had the
... using it.
Well, I did... I did realise that.
So I've got "Zack is a Jewish
twenty something waster with
designs on being a Reality TV
producer. Everything he's ever
No, hold on, hold on. No.
I don't think he does want to be a
Reality TV producer. He just wants
to get into the business.
"Being in TV..."
He just... That's all he cares
So, "Designs on being in...
And he's never had an idea in his
"... TV, but he's never had a good
idea in his life." Or, he's never
had an idea.
Never had an idea. In his life.
He must have had an idea?
Well, he's never had...
"an idea...in his life". Fine.
"Everything he's ever done has had
a connection to shit..." And you've
got "Dog walker, Street...
No, no, no, no , no. Not everything
he's ever done has... His last few
"Every job he's ever had"
... all the jobs he's had.
"Every job... he's ever... had..."
Every job he's ever had has a
connection... Every part-time...
(opening his packet of
What the fuck? You get one packet?
Yeah, look at that.
What a piece of shit.
OK "Every job he's ever had has a
connection to shit: Dog Walker;
Street Cleaner; Sewer
Maintenance..." Can you think of
any others? How about Life Guard
at, er... not Life Guard, er,
Beach... Attendant. No.
No. Doesn't matter, we'll think of
other ones. "He's peering out of
his apartment window in a low rent
part of Paramount, getting ready to
go to work..." um "he's a trainee
part-time colonic hydrotherapist at
a very exclusive clinic where all
the industry are known to go. He
never gets to meet the client, only
interfaces with an ass through a
curtain and hears a voice. At
parties he crashes he's always
trying to recognise asses or
Oh, wait, wait wait wait wait, we
need to reconfigure him a bit.
Cos his sister's an actress.
No, that's the other one. That's
the other one.
So that's fine. Um. "His calling
card has accidentally been printed
as "Hydro The Rapist" at a vital
point to late to rectify by some
dim-witted Fed-ex Kinko clerk."
Doesn't matter, it's just a comment
Hydro The Rapist.
See, that's good cos it's bigger,
er, it's bigger than the other
thing. So he's getting ready to go
to work, just... well, let's go
All we need to do at the end is do
a word count and compare and
Let's go back to the thing about
peering out the window.
So, he's not with his Mum because
No, he's just getting ready to go
... Going to work.
He's peering out his apartment
window getting ready to go to work.
Outside... what he's looking at,
so, what he's looking at.
See, the thing is, is this is much
fuller, really, than what we've
done for Green. But I don't really
know how to write Green yet, so...
You know what actually it could be?
This would be even better, is that
his car is in front of his drive...
... and he can see across the... he
can see the Blue Van...
... It's just idling at the end of
the road, waiting...
OK. OK I get that. That's good.
The Dirty Blue Van...
The Dirty Blue Van...
It's like that... it's like, er...
And you know can't...
... you can't see through the
... and you don't know quite what's
going on either, but he comes out,
gets in, dives off about ten yards
and then the Blue Van pulls in and
parks in front and he's "Fuck! You
Yeah, and "Fucking cunt!" are the
first words we hear him say. So
that's fine, He's not said anything
up till then, he's just looking at
things... and that could be the
first words that are said in the
show. And that could open the show,
so I'll put him first. Cos that's
enough on him, about... at the
moment, that's enough and we can
expand... "What he's looking at is
his car..." er, "what he's
doing..." OK. So, "What he's doing
is looking at his car, parked
underneath..." parked right outside
the building, yeah? "parked right
outside the building..."
Well as he walks out he's
eyeballing it and you can see...
Well I think he's, what he's done
is he's done that (mimes peering
through slats in a blind) in the
flat that's all, he's done that in
the flat as he's getting ready,
periodically he's doing that, that
could be all and enough. Er,
"parked outside the building... and
then looking along the street... We
don't know why." OK, fine, so, "As
he leaves..." so as he leaves "he
looks down the street and sees...
and we see a Dirty Blue Van with
smoke belching from it's...
Smoke belching, yeah. No, no... no,
no. Not tinted windows, you see
this... the guy. The guy has to
become a character. The driver of
It's just some... some unshaven
fat... kind of... working guy.
OK. Fine "... belching from the
exhaust. Behind the wheel is...
Cos he lives in the same apartment
block as him.
Oh, OK. Fine. "Behind the wheel
is..." er "a greasy, fat, unshaven
slob..." We could say, "who
resembles..." we could say he looks
like him, I think, that would be
quite good as well, older. But it
No, cos then you'd think "is it his
Oh, OK. "Greasy, fat unshaven slob,
peering over the steering wheel."
Waiting. Just say that the street
is lined with cars. Lined bumper to
bumper with cars, with parked cars.
That's how it was where I was in
Rogers Park in Chicago. There was
literally nowhere to park and the
way I used to park was... and in
fact he could do this, he'd pigeon
step the length of his car so you
know how long the car is and then
what he does is he pigeon steps
parking spaces, if he gets stuck.
And if it's more... if it's two
pigeon steps more... so he's an
expert parker, it's the only thing
he's ever been good at. No, that's
no good, cos then he'd be a parking
attendant. So he's no good at
anything, so he doesn't do that.
Never mind, that was what I used to
do. Jimmy could suggest it to him,
cos Jimmy could be an expert
parker, that could be a character
(beat - onto Hutchback's
preoccupation of de-liming the
kettle) You know you could do it
Yeah. No, I have, it doesn't work.
Just makes everything smell of
Yeah, it makes the whole kettle
"As he leaves..." er (skimmed
through fast) "he looks down the
street and we see a dirty blue van
with smoke belching from the
exhaust. Behind the steering wheel
is a greasy, fat, unshaven slob
peering over the steering wheel,
waiting." So do you think what has
to ha... I suppose what has to
happen is Zack sort of stands
there, he doesn't get straight in
his car, but, you know, he looks
Yeah, yeah. He's eyeballing him,
the guy's eyeballing him and... and
he's kind of, not mouthing it, but
he's kind of thinking "Don't you
fucking... do it." And I think
there should be some tension in the
fact that there might be something
violent happen, like, I think the
viewer should be thinking
"What's..." you know, "Is this guy
gonna try and run him over? Or come
over and beat him up? Or what the
fuck's going on?" And then it's
just that he wants to park in his
space and I think that's the...
that shows the smallness of this
guy's world beautifully. For him,
having the parking space in front
of... Oh, this is good, you should
put this in: "For him, having the
I haven't got there yet. OK. Let me
type it anyway. "For him..."
Well, I'm going to say it: For him
having the parking space in
front... in front... Being able to
park in front of his house is one
of the few small victories...
well... one of the only small
victories in his life. This sums...
shows the, er, the nature of Zack's
life. (pause) Aren't we going into
too much detail now?
Doesn't matter, it's w... it's
good, it's worth doing, we'll
shrink it. I mean, we'll just start
with him. It does explain... I
think it explains the character
very well, so I think that's good
and then... (mumbling) That's my
two pennies worth. So, Zack has to
get in his car... "...his car".
This is easy.
Yeah, you see. "... he's late..."
Whether it's any good or not is a
whole other matter.