All Talk 71 - "This is Easy"

HUTCHBACK
Right. I'm about to use Turbo-lok,
Tur-bollock.

DR. NOSTRUM
I like the idea that at parties
he's always trying to recognize
arses.

HUTCHBACK
I have a... this bit might not fly
cos it's a bit too, kind of...

DR. NOSTRUM
What bit?

HUTCHBACK
About him being a colonic
irrigation therapist...

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, but the very first...

HUTCHBACK
...it's a bit too broad.

DR. NOSTRUM
The very first thing about him was
that everything he does is
connected to shit. Now, that's
why...

HUTCHBACK
That bit's good.

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. People like that. So at the
moment, you could say "At the
moment he's a part time..."
alright, so that's what we'll say.

HUTCHBACK
OK. What, people like..? What do
you mean people like that?

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, Rat liked it, Ermy liked
it...

HUTCHBACK
Oh, that everybody who's connected
to this...

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. It's just a good character
trait.
It's a very simple catch-all
statement, that everything he's
ever done is somehow connected to
shit.

HUTCHBACK
Well the thing is that there's not
that many jobs.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, there's sewer works and
there's...

HUTCHBACK
(chuckling)
Sewer worker.

DR. NOSTRUM
We can find things

HUTCHBACK
Water re-processing plant. Um. You
know? Oh! Er, dog... dog walker.

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, dog walker, that was the
other one. "A connection to shit."
So, we've got, like, dog walker...

HUTCHBACK
Clinical waste disposal, kind of...
you know, he's a kind of garbage
man for clinical waste disposal.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, dog walker or park attendant,
whatever it is.

HUTCHBACK
Hmm.

DR. NOSTRUM
"Dog walker..." Street-cleaner,
that's fine so he's a street
cleaner... errr.

HUTCHBACK
Right, I'm about to go and...

DR. NOSTRUM
Swimming pool?

HUTCHBACK
... do my thing.

DR. NOSTRUM
Did you put Viakal on it?

HUTCHBACK
(irritated)
Yes.

DR. NOSTRUM
The whole thing will fall off the
wall now.

The Hutchback leaves to attend to his plumbing problem as the
doctor types up their 'Treatment' for a minute or two, then
returns triumphantly holding the shower head.

HUTCHBACK
Ta-daa! Amazing. Amazing. As I was
doing it I was thinking "That's a
very, very costly way to..." I
mean, I was paying a lot there to
undo one nut.

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. But you're...

HUTCHBACK
I may in the future need that thing
again, but... And now, this!

The Hutchback brandishes an earlier purchase.

DR. NOSTRUM
Oh. You needed a hose. Very good.
Have you got, er, you won't have
it. I should have told you... it
doesn't matter it's just something
that helps... PTFE tape. It's tape
that you wrap around things that
you screw together to stop water
getting through the bits, um, if
you ever remember to get it: PTFE
tape. OK? Undo it... it's useful,
you do it all the junctions, you
just wrap a little bit round and it
stops the... it stops them leaking
at all. It's what plumbers use,
so... but never mind.

HUTCHBACK
Never mind. Fuck it, eh? Fuck it.

More plumbing and typing ensues as the Hutchback goes to
install the hose before returning to get the Turbo-lok
wrench.

HUTCHBACK (CONT'D)
Right. Now, I do need it again! Cos
I can't do it tight enough.

DR. NOSTRUM
That's what you need that tape for.

HUTCHBACK
No, no. I just need the.. thing.

DR. NOSTRUM
(nannying)
Well. OK.

Yet more plumbing and typing. Then.

HUTCHBACK
Tur-bollock is a truimph! A
triumph. See, you would have made
me buy that cheap one...

DR. NOSTRUM
And it would have been perfectly
fine.

HUTCHBACK
And it would have been just as
good, but I wouldn't have had the
same joy...

DR. NOSTRUM
No.

HUTCHBACK
... using it.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, I did... I did realise that.
So I've got "Zack is a Jewish
twenty something waster with
designs on being a Reality TV
producer. Everything he's ever
done...

HUTCHBACK
No, hold on, hold on. No.

DR. NOSTRUM
Why?

HUTCHBACK
I don't think he does want to be a
Reality TV producer. He just wants
to get into the business.

DR. NOSTRUM
"Being in TV..."

HUTCHBACK
He just... That's all he cares
about.

DR. NOSTRUM
So, "Designs on being in...

HUTCHBACK
And he's never had an idea in his
life

DR. NOSTRUM
"... TV, but he's never had a good
idea in his life." Or, he's never
had an idea.

HUTCHBACK
Never had an idea. In his life.

DR. NOSTRUM
He must have had an idea?

HUTCHBACK
Well, he's never had...

DR. NOSTRUM
"an idea...in his life". Fine.
"Everything he's ever done has had
a connection to shit..." And you've
got "Dog walker, Street...

HUTCHBACK
No, no, no, no , no. Not everything
he's ever done has... His last few
years...

DR. NOSTRUM
"Every job he's ever had"

HUTCHBACK
... all the jobs he's had.

DR. NOSTRUM
(typing)
"Every job... he's ever... had..."
Every job he's ever had has a
connection... Every part-time...

HUTCHBACK
(opening his packet of
kettle de-scaler)
What the fuck? You get one packet?

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, look at that.

HUTCHBACK
What a piece of shit.

DR. NOSTRUM
OK "Every job he's ever had has a
connection to shit: Dog Walker;
Street Cleaner; Sewer
Maintenance..." Can you think of
any others? How about Life Guard
at, er... not Life Guard, er,
Beach... Attendant. No.

HUTCHBACK
Beach cleaner?

DR. NOSTRUM
No. Doesn't matter, we'll think of
other ones. "He's peering out of
his apartment window in a low rent
part of Paramount, getting ready to
go to work..." um "he's a trainee
part-time colonic hydrotherapist at
a very exclusive clinic where all
the industry are known to go. He
never gets to meet the client, only
interfaces with an ass through a
curtain and hears a voice. At
parties he crashes he's always
trying to recognise asses or
voices."

HUTCHBACK
Oh, wait, wait wait wait wait, we
need to reconfigure him a bit.

DR. NOSTRUM
OK.

HUTCHBACK
Cos his sister's an actress.

DR. NOSTRUM
No, that's the other one. That's
the other one.

HUTCHBACK
Oh, right.

DR. NOSTRUM
So that's fine. Um. "His calling
card has accidentally been printed
as "Hydro The Rapist" at a vital
point to late to rectify by some
dim-witted Fed-ex Kinko clerk."
Doesn't matter, it's just a comment
to remember.

HUTCHBACK
Hydro The Rapist.

DR. NOSTRUM
See, that's good cos it's bigger,
er, it's bigger than the other
thing. So he's getting ready to go
to work, just... well, let's go
back...

HUTCHBACK
All we need to do at the end is do
a word count and compare and
then...

DR. NOSTRUM
Let's go back to the thing about
peering out the window.

HUTCHBACK
OK.

DR. NOSTRUM
OK.

HUTCHBACK
So, he's not with his Mum because
he's...

DR. NOSTRUM
No, he's just getting ready to go
to work.

HUTCHBACK
... Going to work.

DR. NOSTRUM
He's peering out his apartment
window getting ready to go to work.
Outside... what he's looking at,
so, what he's looking at.
See, the thing is, is this is much
fuller, really, than what we've
done for Green. But I don't really
know how to write Green yet, so...

HUTCHBACK
You know what actually it could be?
This would be even better, is that
his car is in front of his drive...

DR. NOSTRUM
Right.

HUTCHBACK
... and he can see across the... he
can see the Blue Van...

DR. NOSTRUM
Mm-hmm.

HUTCHBACK
... It's just idling at the end of
the road, waiting...

DR. NOSTRUM
OK. OK I get that. That's good.

HUTCHBACK
So...

DR. NOSTRUM
The Dirty Blue Van...

HUTCHBACK
The Dirty Blue Van...

DR. NOSTRUM
It's like that... it's like, er...

HUTCHBACK
And you know can't...

DR. NOSTRUM
... you can't see through the
window.

HUTCHBACK
... and you don't know quite what's
going on either, but he comes out,
gets in, dives off about ten yards
and then the Blue Van pulls in and
parks in front and he's "Fuck! You
Fuck!"

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, and "Fucking cunt!" are the
first words we hear him say. So
that's fine, He's not said anything
up till then, he's just looking at
things... and that could be the
first words that are said in the
show. And that could open the show,
so I'll put him first. Cos that's
enough on him, about... at the
moment, that's enough and we can
expand... "What he's looking at is
his car..." er, "what he's
doing..." OK. So, "What he's doing
is looking at his car, parked
underneath..." parked right outside
the building, yeah? "parked right
outside the building..."

HUTCHBACK
Well as he walks out he's
eyeballing it and you can see...

DR. NOSTRUM
Well I think he's, what he's done
is he's done that (mimes peering
through slats in a blind) in the
flat that's all, he's done that in
the flat as he's getting ready,
periodically he's doing that, that
could be all and enough. Er,
"parked outside the building... and
then looking along the street... We
don't know why." OK, fine, so, "As
he leaves..." so as he leaves "he
looks down the street and sees...
and we see a Dirty Blue Van with
smoke belching from it's...

HUTCHBACK
Smoke belching, yeah. No, no... no,
no. Not tinted windows, you see
this... the guy. The guy has to
become a character. The driver of
the van.

DR. NOSTRUM
Alright.

HUTCHBACK
It's just some... some unshaven
fat... kind of... working guy.

DR. NOSTRUM
OK. Fine "... belching from the
exhaust. Behind the wheel is...

HUTCHBACK
Cos he lives in the same apartment
block as him.

DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, OK. Fine. "Behind the wheel
is..." er "a greasy, fat, unshaven
slob..." We could say, "who
resembles..." we could say he looks
like him, I think, that would be
quite good as well, older. But it
doesn't matter.

HUTCHBACK
No, cos then you'd think "is it his
dad..?"

DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, OK. "Greasy, fat unshaven slob,
peering over the steering wheel."

HUTCHBACK
Waiting. Just say that the street
is lined with cars. Lined bumper to
bumper with cars, with parked cars.

DR. NOSTRUM
That's how it was where I was in
Rogers Park in Chicago. There was
literally nowhere to park and the
way I used to park was... and in
fact he could do this, he'd pigeon
step the length of his car so you
know how long the car is and then
what he does is he pigeon steps
parking spaces, if he gets stuck.
And if it's more... if it's two
pigeon steps more... so he's an
expert parker, it's the only thing
he's ever been good at. No, that's
no good, cos then he'd be a parking
attendant. So he's no good at
anything, so he doesn't do that.
Never mind, that was what I used to
do. Jimmy could suggest it to him,
cos Jimmy could be an expert
parker, that could be a character
trait.
(beat - onto Hutchback's
preoccupation of de-liming the
kettle) You know you could do it
with vinegar?

HUTCHBACK
Yeah. No, I have, it doesn't work.

DR. NOSTRUM
Just makes everything smell of
vinegar.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah, it makes the whole kettle
stink.

DR. NOSTRUM
"As he leaves..." er (skimmed
through fast) "he looks down the
street and we see a dirty blue van
with smoke belching from the
exhaust. Behind the steering wheel
is a greasy, fat, unshaven slob
peering over the steering wheel,
waiting." So do you think what has
to ha... I suppose what has to
happen is Zack sort of stands
there, he doesn't get straight in
his car, but, you know, he looks
really annoyed...

HUTCHBACK
Yeah, yeah. He's eyeballing him,
the guy's eyeballing him and... and
he's kind of, not mouthing it, but
he's kind of thinking "Don't you
fucking... do it." And I think
there should be some tension in the
fact that there might be something
violent happen, like, I think the
viewer should be thinking
"What's..." you know, "Is this guy
gonna try and run him over? Or come
over and beat him up? Or what the
fuck's going on?" And then it's
just that he wants to park in his
space and I think that's the...
that shows the smallness of this
guy's world beautifully. For him,
having the parking space in front
of... Oh, this is good, you should
put this in: "For him, having the
par...

DR. NOSTRUM
I haven't got there yet. OK. Let me
type it anyway. "For him..."

HUTCHBACK
Well, I'm going to say it: For him
having the parking space in
front... in front... Being able to
park in front of his house is one
of the few small victories...
well... one of the only small
victories in his life. This sums...
shows the, er, the nature of Zack's
life. (pause) Aren't we going into
too much detail now?

DR. NOSTRUM
Doesn't matter, it's w... it's
good, it's worth doing, we'll
shrink it. I mean, we'll just start
with him. It does explain... I
think it explains the character
very well, so I think that's good
and then... (mumbling) That's my
two pennies worth. So, Zack has to
get in his car... "...his car".

HUTCHBACK
This is easy.

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, you see. "... he's late..."

HUTCHBACK
Whether it's any good or not is a
whole other matter.