So we could be... Something in, er,
OK... so he's been irrelevant for
at least twenty five years during
which he's been pitching his film
about how the commercial reaction
to... something, er, is...
To the death of the end of the
culture cult... end of the can...
end of counter culture is... has,
er, been the death of the
American... soul. It's a very
pompous pretentious political fable
that no-one's interested in except
(ready to type it up)
So, how the commercial reaction...
To the end of the counter
(pause to think deeply)
Oh. OK. I understand. OK.
Signalled the death of the American
Oh, OK. (pause) Do you think that
actually means we should come up
with a movie? We'll wait. We'll
wait for that. If someone pays us
to do it, we'll do it.
It's not a very... it wouldn't make
a very interesting movie. In fact,
it's been done. It's been done on
Forrest Gump, for God's sake, kind
of addressed it. Any historical
film set across multiple...
So you know what?
That, in fact, that could be a
great... When he's pitching that to
these people, they could say...
"like Forrest Gump"
Yeah. So, that's good. So in the
pitch that opens the show, yeah?
"Well, we've got another project
that's a bit Gump-ish at the
moment, so, not interested in that
specifically, but we'd love to work
with you..." What's his first name?
We don't have a first name.
He needs a first name.
No. Like 'Morse'.
No. Because when they refer to
(tries it out)
Frank. Frank Green. No.
Jack Green? It's not bad.
(Ironically) Hughie? Jack Green.
Well leave it for the moment.
"But we want to work with you
"We've got a project that we think
is just perfect for you." OK. So
then he goes home in an absolute
I don't like the idea of
referencing the orange film board,
giving it any...
No, no, don;t talk about that at
Oh, right. OK.
Leave that bit out. (sarcastically)
Yeah, we're ripping off an advert
for our TV show.
Hutchback has brought cake in from the Kitchen.
So you want the big piece or the
They look the same.
(giving him a slice)
Take the big piece then.
Erm. That's not a bad place to
actually say something like... "In
the pitch that opens his part of
the show" you could say, you know?
"That opens his introduction to the
show" you know? "Introduction to...
Man, that's good cake!
"In the pitch that opens his
introduction to the show..." The
response to his film... could be
what? "Like, you mean like Forrest
Gump?" or something like that?
Alright, whatever, I'll find a way
to say that. Er, so, but anyway...
(sounds of typing) "We want to work
No, "We have the perfect project
for you, Jack." (pause) or "We want
to work with you."
"We think we've got the perfect
project for you." "We think we've
got the perfect project." And that
would be enough, basically, to
Mm-hmm, and then you go to the next
And then you've got your guy
looking out his window. In any
order, this could be in any order.
So we've got Zack... "Zack is
peering out of his... his apartment
window." And let's say his Mum's
with him, that's fine, we can do
And, er... "What are you looking
at?", he says "It doesn't matter."
That's very nice cake.
(takes a bite)
Ooh. It's very gooey. Mmm.
Could his Mum be there. Immediately
make the point that he's got this
I think we need to set this up...
His whole, um, kind of, career
success level, um, straightaway.
He's getting ready for work?
Where would he be living? He'd be
living in some shit part of town.
I don't know. I don't really know
what it's like. OK, he's looking
out his apartment window in...
In a low rent...
N-n-no wait, let's find...
Low rent part of town.
Let's find a...
What? You going to do this on
Google Earth or something?
No, no. I'm just going to see if we
can find a neighborhood that's...
..a bad neighborhood.
I think Burbank is s'posed to be.
No, it's, er...
It changes you see, I don't think
it's that relevant, by the time we
do talk about this we won't know
what the hell we're talking about
anyway, so... OK. If you want. What
are you looking for "low rent L.A.
Neighborhoods?" Why don't you just
put that in there? Put in
"Apartment rental L.A." See if you
get 'low rents' somewhere? You know
what, why don't we make it where we
went: West Hollywood? You know,
where we were walking around, where
that bar was with the transvestites
'n that? At least we can remember
No, cos it sounds... cos it sounds
too much like... Well, OK, i'm
thinking about English viewers,
No, forget about England because to
the people there, you know, they'll
just relocate it, but at least
we'll be able to think about, it
you know? Like, Venice was nice,
where were we that wasn't that
Hutchback scours the internet.
Oh, that's good! That's a good
area. Paramount, apparently.
So he's in a low rent part of
Paramount, yeah? Why don't you pull
it up on Google Earth or something?
Or Google Maps? Pick a street,
(muttering) oh, no, it doesn't
matter. OK, Zack... low rent part
of Paramount... he's getting ready
to go to wrok, yeah?
Or Long Beach?
I don't know. I really don;t know,
I've no idea.
Yeah, no, Long Beach is good. In
Long Beach, it says, the lower the
price, the more ghetto it is. Yeah,
let's say he's in Long Beach.
Yeah, but that might be a positive
comment. It might be a good
No, no, I know Long Beach. Long
Beach is referenced in lots of old
rap songs, so it must be a shitty
OK. Well, we don't know if that's
right. It might suggest to the
people reading it that he's black.
So, what he is...
you know what, let's just say "Jack
is, er, is a twenty-something..."
yeah? "Is a twenty-something...
(reading the web more)
Ah, there again, "No, stay out of
Norwalk and Paramount, good lord,
do you have a death wish?"
Mm. Do you think? Is he that poor?
Yes. He has to be, he's
completely... he hasn't got... he
doesn't do anything.
Well, he works...
He works at flushing out people's
shit for a living.
Yeah. Yeah, but that might be well
paid, I don't know. For all I know
that's a good job.
It probably is, yeah.
Why don't you look up colonic
irrigation jobs? (Hutchback starts
laughing). Look, just look it up
and see what you come up with. See
what the pay is. There must be one
I bet it is well paid actually. If
you think about it. It's a skilled
profession and, um, it's not very
Look it up on Monster.
On, Monster, hah! It'd be good if
they captured all the search
criteria and from then on they keep
sending me all these colonic
See, he could be saying that. One
of the things he's doing with
Jimmy: he's tapping away, you know
"Oh, I'm on Monster looking for
Let's say he's re-trained, as, er,
re-training as a colonic... So he's
a trainee. OK. This is it, he's not
actually working there, he's
I just want to remember that line,
hold on (types) "I'm on Monster
looking for a...
Colonic irrigation job.
"... colonic irrigation gig."
To become a colonic irrigation
therapist. That, I think, is the
OK. So he's a trainee...
He's a trainee colonic irrigation
Wait. Part time.
Right, that's what it must be
because he needs time for his
Oh, maybe they have...
You know what! That's the other...
Oh, go on...
No. Maybe he has a... in the way
that trainee hairdressers have a,
kind if, hair model thing at
Oh, yeah. He has an arse.
He has an arse and a pipe.
And the other thing I was thinking
is that this job, in this job...
this is important, that he has, he
starts to recognise people at
parties, because he's looking
Looking at their arses.
... at their arses. So he's like
"Hello, have we met?" you know,
this sort of thing? And so he
thinks it's a good way to network.
So maybe that's it, he tells Jimmy
it's a good place to network.
He shakes someone's hand and "That
feels very familiar."
I just have this idea that you
never see the person. I don't know,
but I can't imagine that's the
layout, but I like the idea that
you only have a curtain and that
you get the arse coming through the
curtain, cos all these people are
famous, so, you know... So. "He's a
trainee part time colonic irri...
Colonic irrigation therapist.
At a very shi-shi clinic. Yeah?
Well, no, he's at colonic
irrigation school? I don't know?
He's a trainee.
Well I think he's in the
... but the reason he's doing it is
because that's where all the TV
people go. Yeah? So he's got on
this job where all the TV people go
and he thinks he can recognise them
Oh, you know what... This is much
better, cos colonic irrigation
is... it's kind of not funny
because it's so obvious...
The other way to refer to them is
as "A Colon Hydrotherapist". I
think that's much, much better.
OK. "Part Time Colon..."
Cos it take you half a second to
realise what it is.
I like the idea that they've got
the word 'rapist' at the end of the
word. Which I always thought was
quite funny with the, er...
Hydro The Rapist.
It's good. That could be his online
name. Hydro the...
Hydro the Rapist... Yeah, he's this
And in blogs...
And he accidentally puts a space in
it and so, he goes in as Hydro The
Like, his calling card.
That could be one of his...
(imitating reading the
"Hydro The Rapist?"
OK. "His calling card accidentally
Has a space.
It could be part of the episode, he
just gets his cards and he doesn't
Maybe cos he goes to, like, a
machine to get them?
Yeah, yeah, he doesn't see that it
has a spell-checker, that could be
it. It doesn't know the word it so
it splits it up for him. OK. So
"he's a part-time colon
hydrotherapist, er, at a very
Where all the industry go? OK.
OK. His mum's not there, because we
want him to be going to work.
Is he, er, can I write "he's a
schlub Jewish twenty-something?"
No. Schlub. No.
He's a Jewish twenty-something.
He's a Jewish twenty-something
A Jewish twenty-something
No, not irritating, just put
OK. "With designs on..." Were there
any jobs, by the way, for colonic
It doesn't tell you what kind of
wage they get?
So how do you get the job? I guess
you just turn up? "With designs on
being a Reality TV producer."
Oh, here we go, directory of
therapists and courses. Oh, this is
good information. Maybe he can be
at a lecture and he's, er...
Well, at some point.
"The practice was repeatedly used
in ancient Egypt, China and India."
For what? Preparing Mummies?
Well, it's always been used.
... for living humans.
It's always been used though.
Well I didn't know that. (Implying
that thus, it can't be common
Yeah, it's really old. Even tribes,
um, Amazonian tribes have this
thing where you've got, like, they
put, like, fish guts and things
like that on a wire and feed it up
through your arse, right, yeah,
this is a very... I don't know how
I know this... bizarre knowledge...
and it... just to irrigate your
system they do that periodically,
like once every three months or
Fish guts on a wire up your arse.
That doesn't sound that good for
Not on a wire, on a little creeper
The Hutchback starts laughing at this ludicrous premise.
DR. NOSTRUM (CONT'D)
... or you swallow it? Oh, no,
that's what it was, it was that you
swallow it. You remember that
bloke, Crumb's brother, that was
that practice, that they eat the
string, a bit of string.
And then he pulls it out.
Right. I'm about to use Turbo-lok.