All Talk 68 - Do People Do This?

They re-enter the dungeon. We miss some of the conversation,
then...

HUTCHBACK (CONT'D)
How do you write things together?

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, you just say stuff...

HUTCHBACK
No, surely you want to write it?

DR. NOSTRUM
No! Well, not at the moment you're
talking about it. I told you, I
found this, this is what I found in
the, um, that Peter Cook book, is
that this is how they wrote all
their sketches, they just talked
and then they typed it up and
that's all they did, so we might as
well do that, why not?

HUTCHBACK
Alright.

DR. NOSTRUM
That's what I did before, you know.

HUTCHBACK
OK, well, fair enough.

DR. NOSTRUM
So, it starts with, um...

HUTCHBACK
If you want to type it all up,
that's great. (Hutchback laughs,
then suddenly business-like). OK.
So, where are we? We have... OK so
we don't start with any... we don't
need any...

DR. NOSTRUM
No, we don't need an episode.

HUTCHBACK
... episode. We don't really need
any, er, scenes, it's just...

DR. NOSTRUM
It's the whole thing.

HUTCHBACK
... what happens.

DR. NOSTRUM
The whole thing.

HUTCHBACK
OK, so...

DR. NOSTRUM
It's effectively, starting to say
like, "Green is... an out of
work...

HUTCHBACK
Cunt.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well...

HUTCHBACK
TV Drama Producer.

DR. NOSTRUM
... we have got that first thing,
which is already on the Dr. Nostrum
Blogradigm.

HUTCHBACK
Alright, well I'll tell you what we
should do then, just...

DR. NOSTRUM
We can print that out at least and
refer to it.

Huge feedback occurs in The Dr's recording device as he turns
his recorder on.

DR. NOSTRUM (CONT'D)
(yells as his ears are
hammered)
O-Ahheey! (he turns it down) Fuck
off!

HUTCHBACK
I need power!

DR. NOSTRUM
(to himself)
It's cos I had the monitor on, I
want the monitor off.

The Hutchback goes to find power and see if he can drum up
earlier scribbling's but comes back empty handed, he's lost
them, so asks the Dr. if he has a copy of their first ideas
for their Meisterwerk.

DR. NOSTRUM (CONT'D)
I can't remember if I printed it
out, I think I did actually print
it out or uploaded it somewhere.
Let me see if I can find it, the
thing...

HUTCHBACK
I can't believe we've lost those.
How did you lose them?

DR. NOSTRUM
I don't know. I think it's because
in my exchange from PC to, er, that
little Sony PC, I think they've all
gone, they may be... I just can't
find 'em, they may be on a disk
where I downloaded everything, you
know, whaddaya call them? An off...
What do you call it?

HUTCHBACK
(ignoring the Dr)
So we don't need to break it down
into episodes, but...

DR. NOSTRUM
No, no. Not at all. We, we... if we
can think of it, we'll mention it,
you know, we'll just talk about it,
what it's gonna be, something
funny, what happens when, when
things happen. I just said to Rat
that, you know, we'll do something
and then I'll send it to him and
then just he said "Any help you
need let me know." And I said,
"Does that include writing it?"

They laugh.

HUTCHBACK
"Does that include doing all the
heavy lifting?"

DR. NOSTRUM
No, no. I said "Does that include
sitting in on a writing session?"
But what I said was that we hadn't
talked about it for a few months so
I wasn't thinking that he'd
immediately want to sit down and,
um, have a go at it, cos I kind of
imagined what we'd be doing anyway,
which is pretty much what we've
done, which is nothing. So, er, I
didn't think that was the best way
to start with somebody who doesn't
know us. Cos at some point you want
to do something, even though... it
causes issues. So if we can just
get the Blogradigm thing and print
it out. Have you got a printer?

HUTCHBACK
No.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, we can just look at it...

HUTCHBACK
(overlapping)
Just look at it.

DR. NOSTRUM
... let's look at it.

HUTCHBACK
Well, um, I'll bring it up on here,
we can have a double monitor.
What, you've got the whole thing
written in Dr. Nostrum?

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. It's blog... blog...

HUTCHBACK
No, I've got it in the email. I've
got the email that you, um.

DR. NOSTRUM
No, I changed it.

HUTCHBACK
(reading the email)
"Green is a once famous and
successful drama TV producer...

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, but I changed it a bit. I
added more. Well, actually I'm not
sure, cos I did change, yeah, yeah
I did, I expanded on it, cos I
expanded the actual writing of C
Au. but we'll do that more.

HUTCHBACK
But the thing is, you said, as
you've said, we need to bring in C.
A. much earlier.

DR. NOSTRUM
Not yet. We don't have to do that
yet. I'm just saying that what we
are doing is fine and then if we
are advised to change what we're
doing then we will, but... at the
moment let's just do what we're
doing cos people like it. That's
what I thin, that's why it's not a
problem. It's not a problem not
knowing what the hell we're doing.
Wait until someone tells you, what
you said; "No, that won't happen.
That won't happen." At the moment
no-one's said that.
All that's someone said is "Half
the people will want to kill you
and half the people will want to
give you awards." That was the
comment I liked best, what it was
actually was that "They're all Jews
and half of them will want to kill
you and half of them will want to
give you awards."

HUTCHBACK
(looking online)
How do you... I can't see any of
the earlier blogs.

DR. NOSTRUM
There's a thing.

HUTCHBACK
Oh, there.

DR. NOSTRUM
There's a thing somewhere, I don't
know when it was, it wasn't that
long ago, it was like, last month.

HUTCHBACK
(reading)
TACOT, they're all cunts out there.

DR. NOSTRUM
No, it wasn't...

HUTCHBACK
Here. I've got it. I've got it.
"Green is a once famous successful
TV Drama producer..."

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. So if we...

HUTCHBACK
OK. So. OK, should we... OK, so
let's just read through...

DR. NOSTRUM
... and then make it bigger.

HUTCHBACK
... each chunk.

DR. NOSTRUM
And see if there's things to add

HUTCHBACK
(overlapping)
And see if there's anything to add.

DR. NOSTRUM
That's it, so...

HUTCHBACK
So. I'll read it out. "Green is a
once famous and successful drama TV
producer...

DR. NOSTRUM
(looking on his computer)
Well where is it? I haven't got it
now.

HUTCHBACK
No, but you can just start...

DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, I need to look at it. I
need to look at it. Where... What
date is it?

HUTCHBACK
Just, just...

DR. NOSTRUM
What month, nine?

HUTCHBACK
No, I just went to 'older'

DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, OK. I'm doing it now. I'm doing
it... OK... Oh, no, it's not doing
it... (sounds of frustration)
Uuuaahr!...

HUTCHBACK
(carrying on hesitantly)
"He's offered a small job in
reality TV...

DR. NOSTRUM
(overlapping)
No. No, no, no! Aach, God! "Older"
there you go, "Older"

HUTCHBACK
"He hates it with a passion and
hates the life that's forced him to
take the job." OK, so...

DR. NOSTRUM
Character. But more. Just more,
that's all!

HUTCHBACK
OK, so, what we need to add is... I
think that we should show him
actually doing... doing a show.
Like, you need to show how shit his
life is...

DR. NOSTRUM
OK

HUTCHBACK
... how meaningless. You need to
set up, I think you need to set up
some kind of... Also you need to
show that he was someone quite big
somehow...

DR. NOSTRUM
(overlapping)
Yeah!

HUTCHBACK
... so, perhaps that could be...

DR. NOSTRUM
But that could just be a comment...

HUTCHBACK
... yes, a reference...

DR. NOSTRUM
... at an awards ceremony.

HUTCHBACK
... a reference, or someone needs
to "Oh, didn't he... Didn't he used
to be..." you know.

DR. NOSTRUM
There's a... I thought of... since
what happened to me, meeting this
guy Rat, I actually thought that
some of these... all these things
where people meet each other, you
know, all these places where
comments happen, all these parties,
I thought they could be
Barmitzvah's.

HUTCHBACK
They're all Barmitzvah's.

DR. NOSTRUM
They're all Barmitzvah's. Is
that... that Green is dragged along
to, because we're on the journey,
that's part of his journey, so the
Barmitzvah of his son who he can't
s... you know, his son...

HUTCHBACK
Maybe...

DR. NOSTRUM
So that's possible?

HUTCHBACK
Maybe. I don't think we should make
it too Jewish.

DR. NOSTRUM
No. Well, they're not really Jewish
things anymore, I think that's
another thing, is that there's
probably something in that, you
know, that in his Barmitzvah you've
got, I don't know, something else,
you know?

HUTCHBACK
OK, so he's making this really,
fucking... we need to find the most
mundane, derivative, predictable,
boring, Reality TV show.

DR. NOSTRUM
"That's My Dog."

HUTCHBACK
No, no. It would... it would be
involving z-list celebrities...

DR. NOSTRUM
(thinking cap on)
OK.

HUTCHBACK
... they would be in some place
together, doing, sort of,
something...

DR. NOSTRUM
And has that happened yet? When we
start the whole thing that we want
to start, don't we start it from
the fact that he isn't doing
anything at all? I think that's the
thing, he's not doing anything at
all and he's forced to take a job
making these kind of shows, because
his wife...

HUTCHBACK
(overlapping)
OK. OK, alright, yeah that's
fine...

DR. NOSTRUM
... is driving him nuts.

HUTCHBACK
... that's fine. Well, we don't
need to have... I think the wife
driving him nuts thing isn't very
good. I think we should cut that. I
think it should be implicit, but
not explicit. We shouldn't show her
saying, you know, "Where's the
fucking money?"

DR. NOSTRUM
No, no. No I'm just saying that,
you know, you just see his huge
life...

HUTCHBACK
Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM
He's got a huge life and he hasn't
got any work...

HUTCHBACK
Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM
... and no-one will talk to him.

HUTCHBACK
OK.

DR. NOSTRUM
That's the thing...

HUTCHBACK
So.

DR. NOSTRUM
... you could say that. You know.
"Green lives in a huge house
with...

HUTCHBACK
OK, so basically, he goes in to
pitch his new film...

DR. NOSTRUM
OK. That's good.

HUTCHBACK
OK. And he ends up being offered a
jobbing role as a Reality TV
producer.

DR. NOSTRUM
That's right. "No, we can't offer
you that, but...

HUTCHBACK
"But, we've got this...

DR. NOSTRUM
"New thing...

HUTCHBACK
"Great project, this great project.
We've got this great project, um,
and we were waiting for the right
guy, er, and we think you'd be...

DR. NOSTRUM
OK.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM
That's good, so the most mundane
show you can think of would be...

HUTCHBACK
So let's give him quite a good,
sort of...

DR. NOSTRUM
Film.

HUTCHBACK
... film project that he's got.
That he's been working on for like
ten years, it's his script, you
know, he's written a script, he's
producing it. It's like, it's...
it's... it's...

A phone starts ringing.

DR. NOSTRUM
Or maybe it's your book?

HUTCHBACK
(incredulous)
My book?

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. Your book. Your book about
dating, why not?

The phone is still ringing.

HUTCHBACK
That's not a film.

DR. NOSTRUM
Why not? Why can't it be a film?

HUTCHBACK
It isn't a very good film.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well why are you writing it then?

HUTCHBACK
(answers the phone)
Hello? Hi. Yes, I'm fine. (it's
Mrs. Hutchback and Hutchback
becomes suddenly very subservient
and concilliatory. Hutchback
emasculated) Yeah, I bought you a
jar but I couldn't remember what
to, er, what, um, what you wanted
it for so I didn;t know what si...
Oh. OK, it's fine... For sugar? But
we've got a sugar one. Anyway,
well, it'll be fine. And I bought
you two cake tins... Cos they had
to come in two, they didn't come in
one's. Well, there was one but it
was more expensive than two cos it
had a carrying handle and all sorts
of nonsense that you don't need.
So... Yeah... We haven't eaten it
yet. We're about to actually. Well,
I'm about to. It's alright, the Dr.
as far as I know, isn't allergic to
nuts.

DR. NOSTRUM
No.

The Dr. Starts playing back some of the recording of the
'writing'

HUTCHBACK
... Yeah... Yeah...

DR. NOSTRUM
There we go!

HUTCHBACK
OK... Alright.

DR. NOSTRUM
There we go, look at that, look at
that! Mute. Mute.

HUTCHBACK
... Alright...

DR. NOSTRUM
Mute.

HUTCHBACK
... What?

DR. NOSTRUM
I am mute.

HUTCHBACK
No, no...

We break for the remainder of the Hutchback's marital
digression. They resume writing, starting with some tea and
cake.

HUTCHBACK (CONT'D)
Yes, I'm... well, Green Tea.

DR. NOSTRUM
And the way, for example, the way I
would suggest, should anyone ever
ask us to write an episode, is this
is also the way you write an
episode, because, what you're
doing, just things like, instead of
actually doing it, you know "You
got any cake?" "You want some tea?"
That is more important than...
That's what you write.

HUTCHBACK
(making tea and cake)
What? You mean...? Sorry, I've lost
track of which level of reality
we're taking about now.

DR. NOSTRUM
If...

HUTCHBACK
Are you talking about in the show?

DR. NOSTRUM
If we have...

HUTCHBACK
(overlapping)
You mean if we need to shoe them
writing a...

DR. NOSTRUM
If... No. Oh, yeah. In the show...

HUTCHBACK
OK.

DR. NOSTRUM
... If they are supposed to write
an episode, this is, I think, what
they do.

HUTCHBACK
OK, yeah. Fine. I thought you meant
If we were asked to write an
episode this is what we would do.
But this is what we would do.

DR. NOSTRUM
That's why it works.

HUTCHBACK
This is the confusing thing about
writing the show. Especially when
we actually start writing it.
That's when it'll get really
confusing.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well I think that might be why you
need a writer. That's...

HUTCHBACK
That's when we both have nervous
breakdowns.

DR. NOSTRUM
No. I don't know, I can't imagine
you having a nervous breakdown
about that.

HUTCHBACK
No, well, OK, maybe you'll have
one.

The Hutchback finds this very amusing and chuckles away in
the background.

DR. NOSTRUM
I might have one, but, mine is more
likely to be about the fact that
people keep asking me what I'm
doing.

HUTCHBACK
And you can't tell them.

DR. NOSTRUM
I can't tell 'em. Plus the fact
that you get all this stuff about
people telling you, "You've gotta
re-write it, you've gotta re-write
it, you gotta re-write it, you
gotta re-write it, you gotta re
write it, you gotta re-write it,
Oh? You're in hospital? Oh,
alright?

HUTCHBACK
(wasn't listening)
What's that?

DR. NOSTRUM
(repeating himself)
Well, that's the more likely thing,
is, should anything come of it,
it's that. "Oh, you gotta re-write
it, you gotta re-write it... No, I
don't like it, you've got to re
write it. What about re-writing
this? What about that, I don't like
that. What about that? What about
this? We've got to have it by
tomorrow. Oh, you're in hospital?
Doesn't matter." That's the kind of
thing that is more tricky than just
doing this.

HUTCHBACK
OK. So, his film, what's his film?

DR. NOSTRUM
(overlapping)
So we think that Green is, I mean
if it's a premise, rather than an
episode, you're saying "Green is...
a once..." start with that, as it
says. "Green is a once famous..." I
just can't, this is so strange. Who
does this? Do lots of people do
this?

HUTCHBACK
No.

DR. NOSTRUM
Are you using a magazine as floss?

HUTCHBACK
Just getting a piece of Turkey out
of my teeth.

DR. NOSTRUM
Right. You've got to try the monkey
wrench yet. Put the Viakal on
the... That's what you should be
doing...

HUTCHBACK
(of course)
Oh, yeah!

DR. NOSTRUM
... whilst we're doing this. Put
the Viakal on the...

HUTCHBACK
Fucking Viakal...

DR. NOSTRUM
... nut.

HUTCHBACK
... obsessive. You're a Viakal
obsessive.

DR. NOSTRUM
No, I'm a timing Nazi.

HUTCHBACK
What?

DR. NOSTRUM
I actually thought that was a very
good description. I'm a timing
Nazi.

HUTCHBACK
(chuckling again)
"Do people do this?" Actually
that's quite a good line...

DR. NOSTRUM
What?

HUTCHBACK
We should keep that in, in some
way. You know, "Do people..." you
know him looking at the guy, his
writing partner doing something...

DR. NOSTRUM
What, Zack and Jimmy?

HUTCHBACK
... Ludicrous, and he says "Do
people do this?" That could be
his... we could use that a lot. "Do
people do this?"

DR. NOSTRUM
Do what?

HUTCHBACK
No! It's whatever Jimmy's doing
that's insane. Or Zack, whichever
one's the insane one.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well it's just ideas. Oh, you mean
the ideas?

HUTCHBACK
N-n-n-no, no, no, no, no! Jimmy
just starts doing something...
strange, like picking his teeth
with a magazine...

DR. NOSTRUM
Oh. I see. Is that what I said to
you? "Do people do this?"

HUTCHBACK
"Do people do this?"

DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, right, OK. OK. "Do people
listen to the words that come out
their mouths?"

HUTCHBACK
It's a good line.

DR. NOSTRUM
OK.

HUTCHBACK
You need to write that down
somewhere.