All Talk 71 - "This is Easy"

HUTCHBACK
Right. I'm about to use Turbo-lok,
Tur-bollock.

DR. NOSTRUM
I like the idea that at parties
he's always trying to recognize
arses.

HUTCHBACK
I have a... this bit might not fly
cos it's a bit too, kind of...

DR. NOSTRUM
What bit?

HUTCHBACK
About him being a colonic
irrigation therapist...

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, but the very first...

HUTCHBACK
...it's a bit too broad.

DR. NOSTRUM
The very first thing about him was
that everything he does is
connected to shit. Now, that's
why...

HUTCHBACK
That bit's good.

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. People like that. So at the
moment, you could say "At the
moment he's a part time..."
alright, so that's what we'll say.

HUTCHBACK
OK. What, people like..? What do
you mean people like that?

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, Rat liked it, Ermy liked
it...

HUTCHBACK
Oh, that everybody who's connected
to this...

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. It's just a good character
trait.
It's a very simple catch-all
statement, that everything he's
ever done is somehow connected to
shit.

HUTCHBACK
Well the thing is that there's not
that many jobs.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, there's sewer works and
there's...

HUTCHBACK
(chuckling)
Sewer worker.

DR. NOSTRUM
We can find things

HUTCHBACK
Water re-processing plant. Um. You
know? Oh! Er, dog... dog walker.

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, dog walker, that was the
other one. "A connection to shit."
So, we've got, like, dog walker...

HUTCHBACK
Clinical waste disposal, kind of...
you know, he's a kind of garbage
man for clinical waste disposal.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, dog walker or park attendant,
whatever it is.

HUTCHBACK
Hmm.

DR. NOSTRUM
"Dog walker..." Street-cleaner,
that's fine so he's a street
cleaner... errr.

HUTCHBACK
Right, I'm about to go and...

DR. NOSTRUM
Swimming pool?

HUTCHBACK
... do my thing.

DR. NOSTRUM
Did you put Viakal on it?

HUTCHBACK
(irritated)
Yes.

DR. NOSTRUM
The whole thing will fall off the
wall now.

The Hutchback leaves to attend to his plumbing problem as the
doctor types up their 'Treatment' for a minute or two, then
returns triumphantly holding the shower head.

HUTCHBACK
Ta-daa! Amazing. Amazing. As I was
doing it I was thinking "That's a
very, very costly way to..." I
mean, I was paying a lot there to
undo one nut.

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. But you're...

HUTCHBACK
I may in the future need that thing
again, but... And now, this!

The Hutchback brandishes an earlier purchase.

DR. NOSTRUM
Oh. You needed a hose. Very good.
Have you got, er, you won't have
it. I should have told you... it
doesn't matter it's just something
that helps... PTFE tape. It's tape
that you wrap around things that
you screw together to stop water
getting through the bits, um, if
you ever remember to get it: PTFE
tape. OK? Undo it... it's useful,
you do it all the junctions, you
just wrap a little bit round and it
stops the... it stops them leaking
at all. It's what plumbers use,
so... but never mind.

HUTCHBACK
Never mind. Fuck it, eh? Fuck it.

More plumbing and typing ensues as the Hutchback goes to
install the hose before returning to get the Turbo-lok
wrench.

HUTCHBACK (CONT'D)
Right. Now, I do need it again! Cos
I can't do it tight enough.

DR. NOSTRUM
That's what you need that tape for.

HUTCHBACK
No, no. I just need the.. thing.

DR. NOSTRUM
(nannying)
Well. OK.

Yet more plumbing and typing. Then.

HUTCHBACK
Tur-bollock is a truimph! A
triumph. See, you would have made
me buy that cheap one...

DR. NOSTRUM
And it would have been perfectly
fine.

HUTCHBACK
And it would have been just as
good, but I wouldn't have had the
same joy...

DR. NOSTRUM
No.

HUTCHBACK
... using it.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, I did... I did realise that.
So I've got "Zack is a Jewish
twenty something waster with
designs on being a Reality TV
producer. Everything he's ever
done...

HUTCHBACK
No, hold on, hold on. No.

DR. NOSTRUM
Why?

HUTCHBACK
I don't think he does want to be a
Reality TV producer. He just wants
to get into the business.

DR. NOSTRUM
"Being in TV..."

HUTCHBACK
He just... That's all he cares
about.

DR. NOSTRUM
So, "Designs on being in...

HUTCHBACK
And he's never had an idea in his
life

DR. NOSTRUM
"... TV, but he's never had a good
idea in his life." Or, he's never
had an idea.

HUTCHBACK
Never had an idea. In his life.

DR. NOSTRUM
He must have had an idea?

HUTCHBACK
Well, he's never had...

DR. NOSTRUM
"an idea...in his life". Fine.
"Everything he's ever done has had
a connection to shit..." And you've
got "Dog walker, Street...

HUTCHBACK
No, no, no, no , no. Not everything
he's ever done has... His last few
years...

DR. NOSTRUM
"Every job he's ever had"

HUTCHBACK
... all the jobs he's had.

DR. NOSTRUM
(typing)
"Every job... he's ever... had..."
Every job he's ever had has a
connection... Every part-time...

HUTCHBACK
(opening his packet of
kettle de-scaler)
What the fuck? You get one packet?

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, look at that.

HUTCHBACK
What a piece of shit.

DR. NOSTRUM
OK "Every job he's ever had has a
connection to shit: Dog Walker;
Street Cleaner; Sewer
Maintenance..." Can you think of
any others? How about Life Guard
at, er... not Life Guard, er,
Beach... Attendant. No.

HUTCHBACK
Beach cleaner?

DR. NOSTRUM
No. Doesn't matter, we'll think of
other ones. "He's peering out of
his apartment window in a low rent
part of Paramount, getting ready to
go to work..." um "he's a trainee
part-time colonic hydrotherapist at
a very exclusive clinic where all
the industry are known to go. He
never gets to meet the client, only
interfaces with an ass through a
curtain and hears a voice. At
parties he crashes he's always
trying to recognise asses or
voices."

HUTCHBACK
Oh, wait, wait wait wait wait, we
need to reconfigure him a bit.

DR. NOSTRUM
OK.

HUTCHBACK
Cos his sister's an actress.

DR. NOSTRUM
No, that's the other one. That's
the other one.

HUTCHBACK
Oh, right.

DR. NOSTRUM
So that's fine. Um. "His calling
card has accidentally been printed
as "Hydro The Rapist" at a vital
point to late to rectify by some
dim-witted Fed-ex Kinko clerk."
Doesn't matter, it's just a comment
to remember.

HUTCHBACK
Hydro The Rapist.

DR. NOSTRUM
See, that's good cos it's bigger,
er, it's bigger than the other
thing. So he's getting ready to go
to work, just... well, let's go
back...

HUTCHBACK
All we need to do at the end is do
a word count and compare and
then...

DR. NOSTRUM
Let's go back to the thing about
peering out the window.

HUTCHBACK
OK.

DR. NOSTRUM
OK.

HUTCHBACK
So, he's not with his Mum because
he's...

DR. NOSTRUM
No, he's just getting ready to go
to work.

HUTCHBACK
... Going to work.

DR. NOSTRUM
He's peering out his apartment
window getting ready to go to work.
Outside... what he's looking at,
so, what he's looking at.
See, the thing is, is this is much
fuller, really, than what we've
done for Green. But I don't really
know how to write Green yet, so...

HUTCHBACK
You know what actually it could be?
This would be even better, is that
his car is in front of his drive...

DR. NOSTRUM
Right.

HUTCHBACK
... and he can see across the... he
can see the Blue Van...

DR. NOSTRUM
Mm-hmm.

HUTCHBACK
... It's just idling at the end of
the road, waiting...

DR. NOSTRUM
OK. OK I get that. That's good.

HUTCHBACK
So...

DR. NOSTRUM
The Dirty Blue Van...

HUTCHBACK
The Dirty Blue Van...

DR. NOSTRUM
It's like that... it's like, er...

HUTCHBACK
And you know can't...

DR. NOSTRUM
... you can't see through the
window.

HUTCHBACK
... and you don't know quite what's
going on either, but he comes out,
gets in, dives off about ten yards
and then the Blue Van pulls in and
parks in front and he's "Fuck! You
Fuck!"

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, and "Fucking cunt!" are the
first words we hear him say. So
that's fine, He's not said anything
up till then, he's just looking at
things... and that could be the
first words that are said in the
show. And that could open the show,
so I'll put him first. Cos that's
enough on him, about... at the
moment, that's enough and we can
expand... "What he's looking at is
his car..." er, "what he's
doing..." OK. So, "What he's doing
is looking at his car, parked
underneath..." parked right outside
the building, yeah? "parked right
outside the building..."

HUTCHBACK
Well as he walks out he's
eyeballing it and you can see...

DR. NOSTRUM
Well I think he's, what he's done
is he's done that (mimes peering
through slats in a blind) in the
flat that's all, he's done that in
the flat as he's getting ready,
periodically he's doing that, that
could be all and enough. Er,
"parked outside the building... and
then looking along the street... We
don't know why." OK, fine, so, "As
he leaves..." so as he leaves "he
looks down the street and sees...
and we see a Dirty Blue Van with
smoke belching from it's...

HUTCHBACK
Smoke belching, yeah. No, no... no,
no. Not tinted windows, you see
this... the guy. The guy has to
become a character. The driver of
the van.

DR. NOSTRUM
Alright.

HUTCHBACK
It's just some... some unshaven
fat... kind of... working guy.

DR. NOSTRUM
OK. Fine "... belching from the
exhaust. Behind the wheel is...

HUTCHBACK
Cos he lives in the same apartment
block as him.

DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, OK. Fine. "Behind the wheel
is..." er "a greasy, fat, unshaven
slob..." We could say, "who
resembles..." we could say he looks
like him, I think, that would be
quite good as well, older. But it
doesn't matter.

HUTCHBACK
No, cos then you'd think "is it his
dad..?"

DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, OK. "Greasy, fat unshaven slob,
peering over the steering wheel."

HUTCHBACK
Waiting. Just say that the street
is lined with cars. Lined bumper to
bumper with cars, with parked cars.

DR. NOSTRUM
That's how it was where I was in
Rogers Park in Chicago. There was
literally nowhere to park and the
way I used to park was... and in
fact he could do this, he'd pigeon
step the length of his car so you
know how long the car is and then
what he does is he pigeon steps
parking spaces, if he gets stuck.
And if it's more... if it's two
pigeon steps more... so he's an
expert parker, it's the only thing
he's ever been good at. No, that's
no good, cos then he'd be a parking
attendant. So he's no good at
anything, so he doesn't do that.
Never mind, that was what I used to
do. Jimmy could suggest it to him,
cos Jimmy could be an expert
parker, that could be a character
trait.
(beat - onto Hutchback's
preoccupation of de-liming the
kettle) You know you could do it
with vinegar?

HUTCHBACK
Yeah. No, I have, it doesn't work.

DR. NOSTRUM
Just makes everything smell of
vinegar.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah, it makes the whole kettle
stink.

DR. NOSTRUM
"As he leaves..." er (skimmed
through fast) "he looks down the
street and we see a dirty blue van
with smoke belching from the
exhaust. Behind the steering wheel
is a greasy, fat, unshaven slob
peering over the steering wheel,
waiting." So do you think what has
to ha... I suppose what has to
happen is Zack sort of stands
there, he doesn't get straight in
his car, but, you know, he looks
really annoyed...

HUTCHBACK
Yeah, yeah. He's eyeballing him,
the guy's eyeballing him and... and
he's kind of, not mouthing it, but
he's kind of thinking "Don't you
fucking... do it." And I think
there should be some tension in the
fact that there might be something
violent happen, like, I think the
viewer should be thinking
"What's..." you know, "Is this guy
gonna try and run him over? Or come
over and beat him up? Or what the
fuck's going on?" And then it's
just that he wants to park in his
space and I think that's the...
that shows the smallness of this
guy's world beautifully. For him,
having the parking space in front
of... Oh, this is good, you should
put this in: "For him, having the
par...

DR. NOSTRUM
I haven't got there yet. OK. Let me
type it anyway. "For him..."

HUTCHBACK
Well, I'm going to say it: For him
having the parking space in
front... in front... Being able to
park in front of his house is one
of the few small victories...
well... one of the only small
victories in his life. This sums...
shows the, er, the nature of Zack's
life. (pause) Aren't we going into
too much detail now?

DR. NOSTRUM
Doesn't matter, it's w... it's
good, it's worth doing, we'll
shrink it. I mean, we'll just start
with him. It does explain... I
think it explains the character
very well, so I think that's good
and then... (mumbling) That's my
two pennies worth. So, Zack has to
get in his car... "...his car".

HUTCHBACK
This is easy.

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, you see. "... he's late..."

HUTCHBACK
Whether it's any good or not is a
whole other matter.

All Talk 70 - One More Character and Making Rapists Out Of Spelling Mistakes

DR. NOSTRUM
So we could be... Something in, er,
OK... so he's been irrelevant for
at least twenty five years during
which he's been pitching his film
about how the commercial reaction
to... something, er, is...

HUTCHBACK
To the death of the end of the
culture cult... end of the can...
end of counter culture is... has,
er, been the death of the
American... soul. It's a very
pompous pretentious political fable
that no-one's interested in except
him.

DR. NOSTRUM
(ready to type it up)
So, how the commercial reaction...
to what?

HUTCHBACK
To the end of the counter
culture...

DR. NOSTRUM
(pause to think deeply)
Oh. OK. I understand. OK.

HUTCHBACK
(slowly)
Signalled the death of the American
soul.

DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, OK. (pause) Do you think that
actually means we should come up
with a movie? We'll wait. We'll
wait for that. If someone pays us
to do it, we'll do it.

HUTCHBACK
It's not a very... it wouldn't make
a very interesting movie. In fact,
it's been done. It's been done on
many forms.

DR. NOSTRUM
OK.

HUTCHBACK
Forrest Gump, for God's sake, kind
of addressed it. Any historical
film set across multiple...

DR. NOSTRUM
So you know what?

HUTCHBACK
...decades.

DR. NOSTRUM
That, in fact, that could be a
great... When he's pitching that to
these people, they could say...

HUTCHBACK
"Oh, yeah...

TOGETHER
"like Forrest Gump"

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. So, that's good. So in the
pitch that opens the show, yeah?

HUTCHBACK
(in character)
"Well, we've got another project
that's a bit Gump-ish at the
moment, so, not interested in that
specifically, but we'd love to work
with you..." What's his first name?

DR. NOSTRUM
We don't have a first name.

HUTCHBACK
He needs a first name.

DR. NOSTRUM
No. Like 'Morse'.

HUTCHBACK
No. Because when they refer to
him...

DR. NOSTRUM
Frank.

HUTCHBACK
(tries it out)
Frank. Frank Green. No.

DR. NOSTRUM
Mm.

HUTCHBACK
Jack Green.

DR. NOSTRUM
Jack Green? It's not bad.
(Ironically) Hughie? Jack Green.
Well leave it for the moment.

HUTCHBACK
"But we want to work with you
Jack."

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.

HUTCHBACK
"We've got a project that we think
is just perfect for you." OK. So
then he goes home in an absolute
rage.

DR. NOSTRUM
I don't like the idea of
referencing the orange film board,
giving it any...

HUTCHBACK
No, no, don;t talk about that at
all.

DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, right. OK.

HUTCHBACK
Leave that bit out. (sarcastically)
Yeah, we're ripping off an advert
for our TV show.

DR. NOSTRUM
Er.

Hutchback has brought cake in from the Kitchen.

HUTCHBACK
So you want the big piece or the
little piece?

DR. NOSTRUM
They look the same.

HUTCHBACK
(giving him a slice)
Take the big piece then.

DR. NOSTRUM
Erm. That's not a bad place to
actually say something like... "In
the pitch that opens his part of
the show" you could say, you know?
"That opens his introduction to the
show" you know? "Introduction to...
to...

HUTCHBACK
Man, that's good cake!

DR. NOSTRUM
"In the pitch that opens his
introduction to the show..." The
response to his film... could be
what? "Like, you mean like Forrest
Gump?" or something like that?
Alright, whatever, I'll find a way
to say that. Er, so, but anyway...
(sounds of typing) "We want to work
with you"

HUTCHBACK
No, "We have the perfect project
for you, Jack." (pause) or "We want
to work with you."

DR. NOSTRUM
"We think we've got the perfect
project for you." "We think we've
got the perfect project." And that
would be enough, basically, to
introduce him?

HUTCHBACK
Mm-hmm, and then you go to the next
thing.

DR. NOSTRUM
And then you've got your guy
looking out his window. In any
order, this could be in any order.
So we've got Zack... "Zack is
peering out of his... his apartment
window." And let's say his Mum's
with him, that's fine, we can do
that too.

HUTCHBACK
(eating)
Mm-hmm.

DR. NOSTRUM
And, er... "What are you looking
at?", he says "It doesn't matter."

HUTCHBACK
That's very nice cake.

DR. NOSTRUM
(takes a bite)
Ooh. It's very gooey. Mmm.

HUTCHBACK
It's banana.

DR. NOSTRUM
Mm.

HUTCHBACK
So...

DR. NOSTRUM
Could his Mum be there. Immediately
make the point that he's got this
Jewish Mum.

HUTCHBACK
I think we need to set this up...
His whole, um, kind of, career
success level, um, straightaway.
So, he's...

DR. NOSTRUM
He's getting ready for work?

HUTCHBACK
Where would he be living? He'd be
living in some shit part of town.

DR. NOSTRUM
(not certain)
I don't know. I don't really know
what it's like. OK, he's looking
out his apartment window in...

HUTCHBACK
In...

DR. NOSTRUM
In a low rent...

HUTCHBACK
N-n-no wait, let's find...

DR. NOSTRUM
Low rent part of town.

HUTCHBACK
Let's find a...

DR. NOSTRUM
What? You going to do this on
Google Earth or something?

HUTCHBACK
No, no. I'm just going to see if we
can find a neighborhood that's...

DR. NOSTRUM
Burbank?

HUTCHBACK
..a bad neighborhood.

DR. NOSTRUM
I think Burbank is s'posed to be.
It's very...

HUTCHBACK
No, it's, er...

DR. NOSTRUM
It changes you see, I don't think
it's that relevant, by the time we
do talk about this we won't know
what the hell we're talking about
anyway, so... OK. If you want. What
are you looking for "low rent L.A.
Neighborhoods?" Why don't you just
put that in there? Put in
"Apartment rental L.A." See if you
get 'low rents' somewhere? You know
what, why don't we make it where we
went: West Hollywood? You know,
where we were walking around, where
that bar was with the transvestites
'n that? At least we can remember
it.

HUTCHBACK
No, cos it sounds... cos it sounds
too much like... Well, OK, i'm
thinking about English viewers,
but..

DR. NOSTRUM
No, forget about England because to
the people there, you know, they'll
just relocate it, but at least
we'll be able to think about, it
you know? Like, Venice was nice,
where were we that wasn't that
nice?

Hutchback scours the internet.

HUTCHBACK
Oh, that's good! That's a good
area. Paramount, apparently.

DR. NOSTRUM
So he's in a low rent part of
Paramount, yeah? Why don't you pull
it up on Google Earth or something?
Or Google Maps? Pick a street,
(muttering) oh, no, it doesn't
matter. OK, Zack... low rent part
of Paramount... he's getting ready
to go to wrok, yeah?

HUTCHBACK
Or Long Beach?

DR. NOSTRUM
I don't know. I really don;t know,
I've no idea.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah, no, Long Beach is good. In
Long Beach, it says, the lower the
price, the more ghetto it is. Yeah,
let's say he's in Long Beach.

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, but that might be a positive
comment. It might be a good
comment.

HUTCHBACK
No, no, I know Long Beach. Long
Beach is referenced in lots of old
rap songs, so it must be a shitty
area.

DR. NOSTRUM
OK. Well, we don't know if that's
right. It might suggest to the
people reading it that he's black.
So, what he is...
you know what, let's just say "Jack
is, er, is a twenty-something..."
yeah? "Is a twenty-something...

HUTCHBACK
(reading the web more)
Ah, there again, "No, stay out of
Norwalk and Paramount, good lord,
do you have a death wish?"

DR. NOSTRUM
Mm. Do you think? Is he that poor?

HUTCHBACK
Yes. He has to be, he's
completely... he hasn't got... he
doesn't do anything.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, he works...

HUTCHBACK
He works at flushing out people's
shit for a living.

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. Yeah, but that might be well
paid, I don't know. For all I know
that's a good job.

HUTCHBACK
It probably is, yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM
Why don't you look up colonic
irrigation jobs? (Hutchback starts
laughing). Look, just look it up
and see what you come up with. See
what the pay is. There must be one
advertised?

HUTCHBACK
I bet it is well paid actually. If
you think about it. It's a skilled
profession and, um, it's not very
desirable.

DR. NOSTRUM
Look it up on Monster.

HUTCHBACK
On, Monster, hah! It'd be good if
they captured all the search
criteria and from then on they keep
sending me all these colonic
irrigation posts.

DR. NOSTRUM
See, he could be saying that. One
of the things he's doing with
Jimmy: he's tapping away, you know
"Oh, I'm on Monster looking for
another...

TOGETHER
"...colonic irrigation."

HUTCHBACK
Let's say he's re-trained, as, er,
re-training as a colonic... So he's
a trainee. OK. This is it, he's not
actually working there, he's
training.

DR. NOSTRUM
I just want to remember that line,
hold on (types) "I'm on Monster
looking for a...

HUTCHBACK
(chuckling)
Colonic irrigation job.

DR. NOSTRUM
"... colonic irrigation gig."

HUTCHBACK
To become a colonic irrigation
therapist. That, I think, is the
official title.

DR. NOSTRUM
Is it?

HUTCHBACK
Yes.

DR. NOSTRUM
OK. So he's a trainee...

HUTCHBACK
He's a trainee colonic irrigation
therapist.

DR. NOSTRUM
Wait. Part time.

HUTCHBACK
Part time.

DR. NOSTRUM
Right, that's what it must be
because he needs time for his
industry...

HUTCHBACK
Oh, maybe they have...

DR. NOSTRUM
(shouts)
You know what! That's the other...
Oh, go on...

HUTCHBACK
No. Maybe he has a... in the way
that trainee hairdressers have a,
kind if, hair model thing at
home...

DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, yeah. He has an arse.

HUTCHBACK
He has an arse and a pipe.

DR. NOSTRUM
And the other thing I was thinking
is that this job, in this job...
this is important, that he has, he
starts to recognise people at
parties, because he's looking
around...

HUTCHBACK
Looking at their arses.

DR. NOSTRUM
... at their arses. So he's like
"Hello, have we met?" you know,
this sort of thing? And so he
thinks it's a good way to network.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM
So maybe that's it, he tells Jimmy
it's a good place to network.

HUTCHBACK
He shakes someone's hand and "That
feels very familiar."

DR. NOSTRUM
I just have this idea that you
never see the person. I don't know,
but I can't imagine that's the
layout, but I like the idea that
you only have a curtain and that
you get the arse coming through the
curtain, cos all these people are
famous, so, you know... So. "He's a
trainee part time colonic irri...

HUTCHBACK
Colonic irrigation therapist.

DR. NOSTRUM
At a very shi-shi clinic. Yeah?

HUTCHBACK
Well, no, he's at colonic
irrigation school? I don't know?
He's a trainee.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well I think he's in the
business...

HUTCHBACK
Oh, OK.

DR. NOSTRUM
... but the reason he's doing it is
because that's where all the TV
people go. Yeah? So he's got on
this job where all the TV people go
and he thinks he can recognise them
at parties.

HUTCHBACK
Oh, you know what... This is much
better, cos colonic irrigation
is... it's kind of not funny
because it's so obvious...

DR. NOSTRUM
Right.

HUTCHBACK
The other way to refer to them is
as "A Colon Hydrotherapist". I
think that's much, much better.

DR. NOSTRUM
OK. "Part Time Colon..."

HUTCHBACK
"Hydrotherapist."

DR. NOSTRUM
Hold on.

HUTCHBACK
Cos it take you half a second to
realise what it is.

DR. NOSTRUM
I like the idea that they've got
the word 'rapist' at the end of the
word. Which I always thought was
quite funny with the, er...

HUTCHBACK
Hydro The Rapist.

DR. NOSTRUM
It's good. That could be his online
name. Hydro the...

HUTCHBACK
Hydro the Rapist... Yeah, he's this
Hydrotherapist...

DR. NOSTRUM
And in blogs...

HUTCHBACK
And he accidentally puts a space in
it and so, he goes in as Hydro The
Rapist.

DR. NOSTRUM
Like, his calling card.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM
That could be one of his...

HUTCHBACK
(imitating reading the
card)
"Hydro The Rapist?"

DR. NOSTRUM
OK. "His calling card accidentally
has a..."

HUTCHBACK
Has a space.

DR. NOSTRUM
It could be part of the episode, he
just gets his cards and he doesn't
look.

HUTCHBACK
Maybe cos he goes to, like, a
machine to get them?

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, yeah, he doesn't see that it
has a spell-checker, that could be
it. It doesn't know the word it so
it splits it up for him. OK. So
"he's a part-time colon
hydrotherapist, er, at a very
exclusive clinic"?

HUTCHBACK
Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM
Where all the industry go? OK.
That's good.

HUTCHBACK
OK. His mum's not there, because we
want him to be going to work.

DR. NOSTRUM
Is he, er, can I write "he's a
schlub Jewish twenty-something?"
Why not?

HUTCHBACK
(disparagingly)
No. Schlub. No.

DR. NOSTRUM
He's a Jewish twenty-something.

HUTCHBACK
He's a Jewish twenty-something
waster.

DR. NOSTRUM
A Jewish twenty-something
irritating waster.

HUTCHBACK
No, not irritating, just put
"waster".

DR. NOSTRUM
OK. "With designs on..." Were there
any jobs, by the way, for colonic
hydrotherapist?

HUTCHBACK
Sadly, no.

DR. NOSTRUM
It doesn't tell you what kind of
wage they get?

HUTCHBACK
No.

DR. NOSTRUM
So how do you get the job? I guess
you just turn up? "With designs on
being a Reality TV producer."

HUTCHBACK
Oh, here we go, directory of
therapists and courses. Oh, this is
good information. Maybe he can be
at a lecture and he's, er...

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, at some point.

HUTCHBACK
"The practice was repeatedly used
in ancient Egypt, China and India."

DR. NOSTRUM
For what? Preparing Mummies?

HUTCHBACK
No! No...

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, it's always been used.

HUTCHBACK
... for living humans.

DR. NOSTRUM
It's always been used though.

HUTCHBACK
Well I didn't know that. (Implying
that thus, it can't be common
knowledge)

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, it's really old. Even tribes,
um, Amazonian tribes have this
thing where you've got, like, they
put, like, fish guts and things
like that on a wire and feed it up
through your arse, right, yeah,
this is a very... I don't know how
I know this... bizarre knowledge...
and it... just to irrigate your
system they do that periodically,
like once every three months or
something.

HUTCHBACK
Fish guts on a wire up your arse.
That doesn't sound that good for
you.

DR. NOSTRUM
Not on a wire, on a little creeper
or something...

The Hutchback starts laughing at this ludicrous premise.

DR. NOSTRUM (CONT'D)
... or you swallow it? Oh, no,
that's what it was, it was that you
swallow it. You remember that
bloke, Crumb's brother, that was
that practice, that they eat the
string, a bit of string.

HUTCHBACK
And then he pulls it out.

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.

HUTCHBACK
Right. I'm about to use Turbo-lok.

All Talk 69 - On Lead Characters and A Purpose for Biology

Another small jump and then we're back in with the lead role
character being invented.

HUTCHBACK (CONT'D)
He... His... He didn't manage to
make the transition to
commercial... to totally commercial
film making, so... and he's had
this pet project for twenty-five
years, let's say, that...

DR. NOSTRUM
And is it good, or is it terrible?

HUTCHBACK
No! It's good...

DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, OK.

HUTCHBACK
... it's about how America lost
it's soul. How the, the, the
last... the counter... the reaction
to the counter-culture, from the
eighties onwards, has destroyed the
soul of America. So it's this very
pompous... but it's kind of a bit
like Tom Wolfe, if you roll up
things like Tom Wolfe, er, Bonfire
Of The Vanities and, kind of...

DR. NOSTRUM
So it's kind of like one of those
Orange Film Pitches?

HUTCHBACK
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

DR. NOSTRUM
OK.

HUTCHBACK
He wants to make this very
serious... that's a good way to...

DR. NOSTRUM
Explain it to anyone in Britain.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM
I don't know if they run in
America, they might run in
America... So, but his project is
about (reading notes the Dr. has
been typing) how the reaction to
the counter-culture... no, I've got
this wring now, cos I don't know
anything about this, so, what is it
you were... the words were quite
good. I've recorded them though, I
suppose, so...

HUTCHBACK
His film is about the... how the...
the... the kind of commercial
reaction to the counter-culture of
the sixties led to the...

DR. NOSTRUM
Hold... Hold on!

HUTCHBACK
... death.

DR. NOSTRUM
Hold on, this is how you write, OK?
"The commercial..." what?

HUTCHBACK
The commercial...

DR. NOSTRUM
Or would you rather I just listened
to it over and over again and get
it as you said it?

HUTCHBACK
Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM
OK. Fine.

HUTCHBACK
I can't remember what I said.

DR. NOSTRUM
No, I can't remember what you said
either. It's OK, his film is about
all this stuff that no one is
interested in...

HUTCHBACK
(laughing at the Dr's
banality)
That no one is interested in...

DR. NOSTRUM
... and he's been trying to pitch
it for twenty-five years.

HUTCHBACK
... and he's been trying to pitch
it for twenty-five years and in the
meantime has been making, kind
of... he has been making movies,
but they've been drying up and the
last ten years he's not made
anything. Cos clearly he was
trading on his reputation.

DR. NOSTRUM
OK.

Hutchback gets distracted by a moth.

HUTCHBACK
It's wierd the way that moths kind
of, when they die... a couple of
days after they're dead, they turn
into dust.

DR. NOSTRUM
See, this is... this to me, that's
how we write. Is that what we would
do is that. You're talking about
the show and then you just go off
on a tangent into something that,
you know, is actually what's going
on in the world. That's what I
like, that's what I think the show
should be.

HUTCHBACK
It's funny, cos I killed a moth
last night...

DR. NOSTRUM
Ah.

HUTCHBACK
... but I couldn't be bothered to
pick it up and I thought I'll leave
it till tomorrow, but then I left
it twenty four hours and it fucking
turned to dust.

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, they do. Moth dust.

HUTCHBACK
The other thing... The other thing
I noticed was a spider that had
died...

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, they go like that (making a
claw with his hand).

HUTCHBACK
No, no, no...

DR. NOSTRUM
Oh.

HUTCHBACK
... this one was particularly
bizarre because I tried to pick it
up and one of it's legs was stuck
in the carpet...

DR. NOSTRUM
(feeling sorry for it)
Aah.

HUTCHBACK
... so obviously what had happened,
it was walking along, it's leg got
caught...

DR. NOSTRUM
It got caught, and it starved to
death!

HUTCHBACK
(overlapping)
And it starved to death.

DR. NOSTRUM
Fuckin' hell.

HUTCHBACK
What a way to go, eh? Knowing.

DR. NOSTRUM
Knowing what?

HUTCHBACK
Knowing, that you were basically...

DR. NOSTRUM
But it doesn't know anything.

HUTCHBACK
... that that's it for you.

DR. NOSTRUM
Oh. Well, I'm not... yeah.

HUTCHBACK
That's it. That's it for you.
Although actually, most adult
insects never eat. A lot of them
never eat. Did you know that.

DR. NOSTRUM
No, I didn't know that.

HUTCHBACK
It's true. That the pupa...

DR. NOSTRUM
How does anyone know that?

HUTCHBACK
(incredulous)
What do you mean how does anyone
know that?

DR. NOSTRUM
I don't know, I mean...

HUTCHBACK
It's called fucking science, that's
how people know it! Jesus Christ!

DR. NOSTRUM
(defensively)
OK.

HUTCHBACK
How does anyone know that? How does
anyone know fucking anything?! Cos
they observe and they, you know,
make records...

DR. NOSTRUM
It just think it seems a pointless
experiments to watch insects...

HUTCHBACK
(overlapping, mocking)
Why? What? Oh, Biology: Pointless!
Biology: fucking get rid of it.
It's absolutely pointless, cos all
you're doing all day is fucking
looking at insects. What is the
point?! (Disbelieving) Fucking
hell. (Breathless pause) And you've
got an 'O' level.

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, but... No, actually I don't
know if I did get the 'O' level.

HUTCHBACK
No. I got the 'O' level

DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, you got the 'O' level.

HUTCHBACK
(still disbelieving of the
Dr's stance)
What's the point?? Oh, I love it.
But, um, but, no, let me explain,
cos most...
this is important, this is adding
to your knowledge - Most insects,
they eat in the larval stage...

DR. NOSTRUM
Oh.

HUTCHBACK
... and then they come into the
adult stage and they breed,
although having said that, spiders
obviously do eat. Adult spiders do
eat, cos they're not insects.

DR. NOSTRUM
(not convinced)
Right.

HUTCHBACK
No, but clearly they catch things
and eat them.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, I've seen that. But as you
point out, they're not insects.

HUTCHBACK
But. Moths. Adult moths don't eat.
I've learnt a lot about moths...
after my infestation. Did I tell
you about our moth infestation?

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.

HUTCHBACK
Oh, yes, I did.

DR. NOSTRUM
Several times.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah. But now we're recording it...

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, OK, tell me again.

HUTCHBACK
No, I don't need to tell you, but
we had a... there's actually
nothing funny about it, it's
quite... it's just disturbing:
coming back to a house covered in
moth larvae.

DR. NOSTRUM
How many were there? Carpet moths?

HUTCHBACK
Hundreds...

DR. NOSTRUM
(not impressed)
Oh, hundreds, well...

HUTCHBACK
... no, they were on the ceiling,
they were on the ceiling.

DR. NOSTRUM
(hopefully)
There might have been thousands?

HUTCHBACK
No, there weren't thousands, cos it
would have taken me a lot longer to
vacuum them all down... No, because
they...

DR. NOSTRUM
Why were larvae on the ceiling?

HUTCHBACK
No, because these ones, they're
trained to go up...

DR. NOSTRUM
Oh.

HUTCHBACK
To crawl up the...

DR. NOSTRUM
To get out the way of things that
might eat them on the ground I
suppose?

HUTCHBACK
Maybe, but...

DR. NOSTRUM
So they just keep going up?

HUTCHBACK
Well, no, they don't keep going up,
they go up and they look for the
corners.

DR. NOSTRUM
What?

HUTCHBACK
And I'm thinking, "How do they know
what a corner is?"

DR. NOSTRUM
Well...

HUTCHBACK
No...

DR. NOSTRUM
It's a point where you can't get
any further.

HUTCHBACK
But how does a larvae...

DR. NOSTRUM
You can't get any further, that's
the point, isn't it? Without going
like down and around?

HUTCHBACK
Yeah, well, I suppose so. Starts
chuckling) "You can't go any
further." That's how they base
their whole...

DR. NOSTRUM
Probably.

HUTCHBACK
It's just, keep crawling until you
can't go any further.

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. That's probably what it is.

HUTCHBACK
No, but I don't think they even
have that basic... I don't think
they even have that.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, they've got something.

HUTCHBACK
(overlapping)
I bet they're just purely working
from gravity?
And they know which way's up and
which way's down and that's
probably about it.

DR. NOSTRUM
So, why... Well, anyway...

HUTCHBACK
Anyway.

DR. NOSTRUM
... they all end up in the corner,
so presumably, some people spend
their lives worrying about that?
Another pointless scientific
experiment, but anyway...

HUTCHBACK
Why have they gone for the corners?

DR. NOSTRUM
So? Are...

HUTCHBACK
We know that they go for the
corners so they can probably...

DR. NOSTRUM
... are there many corners in
nature?

HUTCHBACK
That's a very interesting point.

DR. NOSTRUM
There aren't really.

HUTCHBACK
You do get them, presumably, in
certain rock formations, (drifting
off in thought) but not in their
natural habitat I would have
thought.

DR. NOSTRUM
Do you think so? I wouldn't have
thought you get corners anywhere.

HUTCHBACK
You do in rocks.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, not many.

HUTCHBACK
Not many...

DR. NOSTRUM
You know, so...

HUTCHBACK
... occasionally you get a corner.

The Hutchback has made it back to the kitchen.

HUTCHBACK (CONT'D)
OK. Do you want a large...?

DR. NOSTRUM
Tea. Yes, I'd like a tea. So,
somehow, moths have, moth larvae
have adapted to the human thing...

HUTCHBACK
Yes, of course.

DR. NOSTRUM
... by learning about corners.

HUTCHBACK
Yes.

DR. NOSTRUM
Any corner? It has to be a corner
up, rather than down or across? So
that's... That's how it happens
then, they just keep going up. What
they do is they go across, until
they can't go across anymore, then
they go along, till they can't go
along, and then they go up! That's
it! That's how it works. That must
be how it works, that's just three
things that have to be programmed.

HUTCHBACK
I wonder what their actual
perception of a corner is?

DR. NOSTRUM
No, but that would be... If you
were just programming a computer to
look for a corner that's how you
would do it.
It would just be "you go until you
can't go anymore and what you never
ever do, is you never go back on
yourself." And that means you would
always end up in a corner, right?
Like writing.

HUTCHBACK
But, you'd have thought it would be
better for them to go behind stuff?

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, they would...

HUTCHBACK
But it's harder.

DR. NOSTRUM
No, but they would go behind
stuff...

HUTCHBACK
No. That's harder.

DR. NOSTRUM
No it isn't. Because if you can get
behind it you're still moving, so
it's the same programming. It's the
same...

HUTCHBACK
No, say you've got, like, something
there (points to a picture on the
wall) along a wall, it's safer
behind something...

DR. NOSTRUM
But...

HUTCHBACK
... than exposed...

DR. NOSTRUM
... but they would be...

HUTCHBACK
... in a corner.

DR. NOSTRUM
... but they would be behind it.

HUTCHBACK
I can't believe what we're talking
about.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, we'll just leave it. But I
would suggest that they would be
behind something. It's just natural
selection. So, the ones that manage
to make it behind something are
more likely to survive...

HUTCHBACK
(overlapping)
Are more likely to live.

DR. NOSTRUM
... thus, those ones...

HUTCHBACK
But, there aren't that many
corners...

DR. NOSTRUM
Behind things.

HUTCHBACK
... at the top that are behind
things.

DR. NOSTRUM
No.

HUTCHBACK
Because there's nothing, there's
just ceiling...

DR. NOSTRUM
That's true.

HUTCHBACK
So it would be better being in a
bottom corner...

DR. NOSTRUM
That's what I would have thought.
I'm surprised they were on the
ceiling. Why do you think they were
on the ceiling?

HUTCHBACK
They're fucking stupid, that's why,
they're fucking moth larvae.

DR. NOSTRUM
Biology. That's why we rule the
world and they don't.

HUTCHBACK
Yep. (Pause) So, where were we?

All Talk 68 - Do People Do This?

They re-enter the dungeon. We miss some of the conversation,
then...

HUTCHBACK (CONT'D)
How do you write things together?

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, you just say stuff...

HUTCHBACK
No, surely you want to write it?

DR. NOSTRUM
No! Well, not at the moment you're
talking about it. I told you, I
found this, this is what I found in
the, um, that Peter Cook book, is
that this is how they wrote all
their sketches, they just talked
and then they typed it up and
that's all they did, so we might as
well do that, why not?

HUTCHBACK
Alright.

DR. NOSTRUM
That's what I did before, you know.

HUTCHBACK
OK, well, fair enough.

DR. NOSTRUM
So, it starts with, um...

HUTCHBACK
If you want to type it all up,
that's great. (Hutchback laughs,
then suddenly business-like). OK.
So, where are we? We have... OK so
we don't start with any... we don't
need any...

DR. NOSTRUM
No, we don't need an episode.

HUTCHBACK
... episode. We don't really need
any, er, scenes, it's just...

DR. NOSTRUM
It's the whole thing.

HUTCHBACK
... what happens.

DR. NOSTRUM
The whole thing.

HUTCHBACK
OK, so...

DR. NOSTRUM
It's effectively, starting to say
like, "Green is... an out of
work...

HUTCHBACK
Cunt.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well...

HUTCHBACK
TV Drama Producer.

DR. NOSTRUM
... we have got that first thing,
which is already on the Dr. Nostrum
Blogradigm.

HUTCHBACK
Alright, well I'll tell you what we
should do then, just...

DR. NOSTRUM
We can print that out at least and
refer to it.

Huge feedback occurs in The Dr's recording device as he turns
his recorder on.

DR. NOSTRUM (CONT'D)
(yells as his ears are
hammered)
O-Ahheey! (he turns it down) Fuck
off!

HUTCHBACK
I need power!

DR. NOSTRUM
(to himself)
It's cos I had the monitor on, I
want the monitor off.

The Hutchback goes to find power and see if he can drum up
earlier scribbling's but comes back empty handed, he's lost
them, so asks the Dr. if he has a copy of their first ideas
for their Meisterwerk.

DR. NOSTRUM (CONT'D)
I can't remember if I printed it
out, I think I did actually print
it out or uploaded it somewhere.
Let me see if I can find it, the
thing...

HUTCHBACK
I can't believe we've lost those.
How did you lose them?

DR. NOSTRUM
I don't know. I think it's because
in my exchange from PC to, er, that
little Sony PC, I think they've all
gone, they may be... I just can't
find 'em, they may be on a disk
where I downloaded everything, you
know, whaddaya call them? An off...
What do you call it?

HUTCHBACK
(ignoring the Dr)
So we don't need to break it down
into episodes, but...

DR. NOSTRUM
No, no. Not at all. We, we... if we
can think of it, we'll mention it,
you know, we'll just talk about it,
what it's gonna be, something
funny, what happens when, when
things happen. I just said to Rat
that, you know, we'll do something
and then I'll send it to him and
then just he said "Any help you
need let me know." And I said,
"Does that include writing it?"

They laugh.

HUTCHBACK
"Does that include doing all the
heavy lifting?"

DR. NOSTRUM
No, no. I said "Does that include
sitting in on a writing session?"
But what I said was that we hadn't
talked about it for a few months so
I wasn't thinking that he'd
immediately want to sit down and,
um, have a go at it, cos I kind of
imagined what we'd be doing anyway,
which is pretty much what we've
done, which is nothing. So, er, I
didn't think that was the best way
to start with somebody who doesn't
know us. Cos at some point you want
to do something, even though... it
causes issues. So if we can just
get the Blogradigm thing and print
it out. Have you got a printer?

HUTCHBACK
No.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, we can just look at it...

HUTCHBACK
(overlapping)
Just look at it.

DR. NOSTRUM
... let's look at it.

HUTCHBACK
Well, um, I'll bring it up on here,
we can have a double monitor.
What, you've got the whole thing
written in Dr. Nostrum?

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. It's blog... blog...

HUTCHBACK
No, I've got it in the email. I've
got the email that you, um.

DR. NOSTRUM
No, I changed it.

HUTCHBACK
(reading the email)
"Green is a once famous and
successful drama TV producer...

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, but I changed it a bit. I
added more. Well, actually I'm not
sure, cos I did change, yeah, yeah
I did, I expanded on it, cos I
expanded the actual writing of C
Au. but we'll do that more.

HUTCHBACK
But the thing is, you said, as
you've said, we need to bring in C.
A. much earlier.

DR. NOSTRUM
Not yet. We don't have to do that
yet. I'm just saying that what we
are doing is fine and then if we
are advised to change what we're
doing then we will, but... at the
moment let's just do what we're
doing cos people like it. That's
what I thin, that's why it's not a
problem. It's not a problem not
knowing what the hell we're doing.
Wait until someone tells you, what
you said; "No, that won't happen.
That won't happen." At the moment
no-one's said that.
All that's someone said is "Half
the people will want to kill you
and half the people will want to
give you awards." That was the
comment I liked best, what it was
actually was that "They're all Jews
and half of them will want to kill
you and half of them will want to
give you awards."

HUTCHBACK
(looking online)
How do you... I can't see any of
the earlier blogs.

DR. NOSTRUM
There's a thing.

HUTCHBACK
Oh, there.

DR. NOSTRUM
There's a thing somewhere, I don't
know when it was, it wasn't that
long ago, it was like, last month.

HUTCHBACK
(reading)
TACOT, they're all cunts out there.

DR. NOSTRUM
No, it wasn't...

HUTCHBACK
Here. I've got it. I've got it.
"Green is a once famous successful
TV Drama producer..."

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. So if we...

HUTCHBACK
OK. So. OK, should we... OK, so
let's just read through...

DR. NOSTRUM
... and then make it bigger.

HUTCHBACK
... each chunk.

DR. NOSTRUM
And see if there's things to add

HUTCHBACK
(overlapping)
And see if there's anything to add.

DR. NOSTRUM
That's it, so...

HUTCHBACK
So. I'll read it out. "Green is a
once famous and successful drama TV
producer...

DR. NOSTRUM
(looking on his computer)
Well where is it? I haven't got it
now.

HUTCHBACK
No, but you can just start...

DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, I need to look at it. I
need to look at it. Where... What
date is it?

HUTCHBACK
Just, just...

DR. NOSTRUM
What month, nine?

HUTCHBACK
No, I just went to 'older'

DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, OK. I'm doing it now. I'm doing
it... OK... Oh, no, it's not doing
it... (sounds of frustration)
Uuuaahr!...

HUTCHBACK
(carrying on hesitantly)
"He's offered a small job in
reality TV...

DR. NOSTRUM
(overlapping)
No. No, no, no! Aach, God! "Older"
there you go, "Older"

HUTCHBACK
"He hates it with a passion and
hates the life that's forced him to
take the job." OK, so...

DR. NOSTRUM
Character. But more. Just more,
that's all!

HUTCHBACK
OK, so, what we need to add is... I
think that we should show him
actually doing... doing a show.
Like, you need to show how shit his
life is...

DR. NOSTRUM
OK

HUTCHBACK
... how meaningless. You need to
set up, I think you need to set up
some kind of... Also you need to
show that he was someone quite big
somehow...

DR. NOSTRUM
(overlapping)
Yeah!

HUTCHBACK
... so, perhaps that could be...

DR. NOSTRUM
But that could just be a comment...

HUTCHBACK
... yes, a reference...

DR. NOSTRUM
... at an awards ceremony.

HUTCHBACK
... a reference, or someone needs
to "Oh, didn't he... Didn't he used
to be..." you know.

DR. NOSTRUM
There's a... I thought of... since
what happened to me, meeting this
guy Rat, I actually thought that
some of these... all these things
where people meet each other, you
know, all these places where
comments happen, all these parties,
I thought they could be
Barmitzvah's.

HUTCHBACK
They're all Barmitzvah's.

DR. NOSTRUM
They're all Barmitzvah's. Is
that... that Green is dragged along
to, because we're on the journey,
that's part of his journey, so the
Barmitzvah of his son who he can't
s... you know, his son...

HUTCHBACK
Maybe...

DR. NOSTRUM
So that's possible?

HUTCHBACK
Maybe. I don't think we should make
it too Jewish.

DR. NOSTRUM
No. Well, they're not really Jewish
things anymore, I think that's
another thing, is that there's
probably something in that, you
know, that in his Barmitzvah you've
got, I don't know, something else,
you know?

HUTCHBACK
OK, so he's making this really,
fucking... we need to find the most
mundane, derivative, predictable,
boring, Reality TV show.

DR. NOSTRUM
"That's My Dog."

HUTCHBACK
No, no. It would... it would be
involving z-list celebrities...

DR. NOSTRUM
(thinking cap on)
OK.

HUTCHBACK
... they would be in some place
together, doing, sort of,
something...

DR. NOSTRUM
And has that happened yet? When we
start the whole thing that we want
to start, don't we start it from
the fact that he isn't doing
anything at all? I think that's the
thing, he's not doing anything at
all and he's forced to take a job
making these kind of shows, because
his wife...

HUTCHBACK
(overlapping)
OK. OK, alright, yeah that's
fine...

DR. NOSTRUM
... is driving him nuts.

HUTCHBACK
... that's fine. Well, we don't
need to have... I think the wife
driving him nuts thing isn't very
good. I think we should cut that. I
think it should be implicit, but
not explicit. We shouldn't show her
saying, you know, "Where's the
fucking money?"

DR. NOSTRUM
No, no. No I'm just saying that,
you know, you just see his huge
life...

HUTCHBACK
Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM
He's got a huge life and he hasn't
got any work...

HUTCHBACK
Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM
... and no-one will talk to him.

HUTCHBACK
OK.

DR. NOSTRUM
That's the thing...

HUTCHBACK
So.

DR. NOSTRUM
... you could say that. You know.
"Green lives in a huge house
with...

HUTCHBACK
OK, so basically, he goes in to
pitch his new film...

DR. NOSTRUM
OK. That's good.

HUTCHBACK
OK. And he ends up being offered a
jobbing role as a Reality TV
producer.

DR. NOSTRUM
That's right. "No, we can't offer
you that, but...

HUTCHBACK
"But, we've got this...

DR. NOSTRUM
"New thing...

HUTCHBACK
"Great project, this great project.
We've got this great project, um,
and we were waiting for the right
guy, er, and we think you'd be...

DR. NOSTRUM
OK.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM
That's good, so the most mundane
show you can think of would be...

HUTCHBACK
So let's give him quite a good,
sort of...

DR. NOSTRUM
Film.

HUTCHBACK
... film project that he's got.
That he's been working on for like
ten years, it's his script, you
know, he's written a script, he's
producing it. It's like, it's...
it's... it's...

A phone starts ringing.

DR. NOSTRUM
Or maybe it's your book?

HUTCHBACK
(incredulous)
My book?

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. Your book. Your book about
dating, why not?

The phone is still ringing.

HUTCHBACK
That's not a film.

DR. NOSTRUM
Why not? Why can't it be a film?

HUTCHBACK
It isn't a very good film.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well why are you writing it then?

HUTCHBACK
(answers the phone)
Hello? Hi. Yes, I'm fine. (it's
Mrs. Hutchback and Hutchback
becomes suddenly very subservient
and concilliatory. Hutchback
emasculated) Yeah, I bought you a
jar but I couldn't remember what
to, er, what, um, what you wanted
it for so I didn;t know what si...
Oh. OK, it's fine... For sugar? But
we've got a sugar one. Anyway,
well, it'll be fine. And I bought
you two cake tins... Cos they had
to come in two, they didn't come in
one's. Well, there was one but it
was more expensive than two cos it
had a carrying handle and all sorts
of nonsense that you don't need.
So... Yeah... We haven't eaten it
yet. We're about to actually. Well,
I'm about to. It's alright, the Dr.
as far as I know, isn't allergic to
nuts.

DR. NOSTRUM
No.

The Dr. Starts playing back some of the recording of the
'writing'

HUTCHBACK
... Yeah... Yeah...

DR. NOSTRUM
There we go!

HUTCHBACK
OK... Alright.

DR. NOSTRUM
There we go, look at that, look at
that! Mute. Mute.

HUTCHBACK
... Alright...

DR. NOSTRUM
Mute.

HUTCHBACK
... What?

DR. NOSTRUM
I am mute.

HUTCHBACK
No, no...

We break for the remainder of the Hutchback's marital
digression. They resume writing, starting with some tea and
cake.

HUTCHBACK (CONT'D)
Yes, I'm... well, Green Tea.

DR. NOSTRUM
And the way, for example, the way I
would suggest, should anyone ever
ask us to write an episode, is this
is also the way you write an
episode, because, what you're
doing, just things like, instead of
actually doing it, you know "You
got any cake?" "You want some tea?"
That is more important than...
That's what you write.

HUTCHBACK
(making tea and cake)
What? You mean...? Sorry, I've lost
track of which level of reality
we're taking about now.

DR. NOSTRUM
If...

HUTCHBACK
Are you talking about in the show?

DR. NOSTRUM
If we have...

HUTCHBACK
(overlapping)
You mean if we need to shoe them
writing a...

DR. NOSTRUM
If... No. Oh, yeah. In the show...

HUTCHBACK
OK.

DR. NOSTRUM
... If they are supposed to write
an episode, this is, I think, what
they do.

HUTCHBACK
OK, yeah. Fine. I thought you meant
If we were asked to write an
episode this is what we would do.
But this is what we would do.

DR. NOSTRUM
That's why it works.

HUTCHBACK
This is the confusing thing about
writing the show. Especially when
we actually start writing it.
That's when it'll get really
confusing.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well I think that might be why you
need a writer. That's...

HUTCHBACK
That's when we both have nervous
breakdowns.

DR. NOSTRUM
No. I don't know, I can't imagine
you having a nervous breakdown
about that.

HUTCHBACK
No, well, OK, maybe you'll have
one.

The Hutchback finds this very amusing and chuckles away in
the background.

DR. NOSTRUM
I might have one, but, mine is more
likely to be about the fact that
people keep asking me what I'm
doing.

HUTCHBACK
And you can't tell them.

DR. NOSTRUM
I can't tell 'em. Plus the fact
that you get all this stuff about
people telling you, "You've gotta
re-write it, you've gotta re-write
it, you gotta re-write it, you
gotta re-write it, you gotta re
write it, you gotta re-write it,
Oh? You're in hospital? Oh,
alright?

HUTCHBACK
(wasn't listening)
What's that?

DR. NOSTRUM
(repeating himself)
Well, that's the more likely thing,
is, should anything come of it,
it's that. "Oh, you gotta re-write
it, you gotta re-write it... No, I
don't like it, you've got to re
write it. What about re-writing
this? What about that, I don't like
that. What about that? What about
this? We've got to have it by
tomorrow. Oh, you're in hospital?
Doesn't matter." That's the kind of
thing that is more tricky than just
doing this.

HUTCHBACK
OK. So, his film, what's his film?

DR. NOSTRUM
(overlapping)
So we think that Green is, I mean
if it's a premise, rather than an
episode, you're saying "Green is...
a once..." start with that, as it
says. "Green is a once famous..." I
just can't, this is so strange. Who
does this? Do lots of people do
this?

HUTCHBACK
No.

DR. NOSTRUM
Are you using a magazine as floss?

HUTCHBACK
Just getting a piece of Turkey out
of my teeth.

DR. NOSTRUM
Right. You've got to try the monkey
wrench yet. Put the Viakal on
the... That's what you should be
doing...

HUTCHBACK
(of course)
Oh, yeah!

DR. NOSTRUM
... whilst we're doing this. Put
the Viakal on the...

HUTCHBACK
Fucking Viakal...

DR. NOSTRUM
... nut.

HUTCHBACK
... obsessive. You're a Viakal
obsessive.

DR. NOSTRUM
No, I'm a timing Nazi.

HUTCHBACK
What?

DR. NOSTRUM
I actually thought that was a very
good description. I'm a timing
Nazi.

HUTCHBACK
(chuckling again)
"Do people do this?" Actually
that's quite a good line...

DR. NOSTRUM
What?

HUTCHBACK
We should keep that in, in some
way. You know, "Do people..." you
know him looking at the guy, his
writing partner doing something...

DR. NOSTRUM
What, Zack and Jimmy?

HUTCHBACK
... Ludicrous, and he says "Do
people do this?" That could be
his... we could use that a lot. "Do
people do this?"

DR. NOSTRUM
Do what?

HUTCHBACK
No! It's whatever Jimmy's doing
that's insane. Or Zack, whichever
one's the insane one.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well it's just ideas. Oh, you mean
the ideas?

HUTCHBACK
N-n-n-no, no, no, no, no! Jimmy
just starts doing something...
strange, like picking his teeth
with a magazine...

DR. NOSTRUM
Oh. I see. Is that what I said to
you? "Do people do this?"

HUTCHBACK
"Do people do this?"

DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, right, OK. OK. "Do people
listen to the words that come out
their mouths?"

HUTCHBACK
It's a good line.

DR. NOSTRUM
OK.

HUTCHBACK
You need to write that down
somewhere.