We jump out of sync, to keep the serious business of writing the world's next great TV show together vaguely coherently. For the synchronistically pedantic amongst our readers the following chapters 63 through 67 take place prior to Shopping at Warmongers via Will Self - All Talk 58.
HUTCHBACK
OK, so... sorry, what do we need to
do again?
DR. NOSTRUM
We would like to...
HUTCHBACK
Write an hour...
DR. NOSTRUM
No, No!
HUTCHBACK
Oh, OK.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, we just want to expand on the
premise of the show.
HUTCHBACK
An hour...
DR. NOSTRUM
NO!
HUTCHBACK
OK.
DR. NOSTRUM
What we have to do is just expand
on the premise of the whole show.
HUTCHBACK
(overlapping)
So it lasts an hour... No.
DR. NOSTRUM
For the whole show.
HUTCHBACK
So the whole show now is one hour?
DR. NOSTRUM
(ignoring him)
And then eventually we'll decide
whether we have to write a bunch
of... a series, or just an, er,
HUTCHBACK
And where does the hour thing come
in?
DR. NOSTRUM
It comes in, that in the first hour
of the show you get an hour.
HUTCHBACK
OK.
DR. NOSTRUM
There's definitely an hour in
there...
HUTCHBACK
Definitely an hour.
DR. NOSTRUM
...within the first hour.
HUTCHBACK
And sometimes even within the first
50 minutes, if it's a good show.
DR. NOSTRUM
If you get the pacing right you can
really make it feel like it's
moving on.
HUTCHBACK
So, shouldn't it be that what you
don't want...
DR. NOSTRUM
Is what? People thinking it's going
to fast.
HUTCHBACK
(overlapping)
Thinking... Yeah, no, what you
want...
DR. NOSTRUM
You want it so they're bored out of
their minds.
HUTCHBACK
...is for the first hour to sem
like an hour and a half. No. You
want the first hour to seem like
half an hour. That's the trick.
That's the genius.
DR. NOSTRUM
I don't know. I mean, If you're
enjoying yourself an hour is great,
if you're not, it's tedious, so,
it's an hour either way. I don't
know, I'm not an expert.
HUTCHBACK
What we should do is work out how
much time you can lose to adverts,
and then...
DR. NOSTRUM
(catching on)
The more adverts there are...
HUTCHBACK
The more adverts... If you put in
more adverts then we don't have to
write as much.
DR. NOSTRUM
We can have adverts for Monkey
Wrenches and Mole Grips.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah... We don't have to write as
many jokes. You see, this is the
problem.
DR. NOSTRUM
No...
HUTCHBACK
You see neither of us know how to
write a joke.
DR. NOSTRUM
That's fine, that's fine. I'm not
worried by the essential...
HUTCHBACK
Inability.
DR. NOSTRUM
..the essential thing, you know,
the fact that we don't write is not
a problem.
HUTCHBACK
(ironically)
Not a problem. OK.
DR. NOSTRUM
The problem is, that at some point
we'll have to write.
HUTCHBACK
Yes.
DR. NOSTRUM
That's the problem.
HUTCHBACK
So it's not a problem at the
moment.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, it's not a problem at the
moment, at the moment it's just
fine.
HUTCHBACK
It's just fine.
DR. NOSTRUM
At some point it might become a
problem.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
But right now it's not. No. (long
pause) And anyway, I can suggest
that I actually do write, even
though it's not on TV.
HUTCHBACK
Well I can pretend I write as well.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, but I mean I do write, I just
don't write for TV. But then if you
have someone that writes for TV...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
...that covers that angle of it.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, well I write as well, I just
don't get paid for it.
DR. NOSTRUM
No. (another long pause) No, i
don't think that's inherently a
problem.
HUTCHBACK
No, because with the right
attitude, you can get away with
anything...
DR. NOSTRUM
That's right, it's just content.
HUTCHBACK
...The right attitude, you can con
anyone.
DR. NOSTRUM
Hmm.
They arrive back at the Hutchback's dungeon... There are cars
waiting to park, hovering... One pinches a space right
outside the Dungeon. Hutchback has to go around the corner.
HUTCHBACK
Oh, don't tell me... You fucker!
Oh, you fuckers!
DR. NOSTRUM
Is that someone you know?
HUTCHBACK
No, But...
DR. NOSTRUM
But now you know that having parked
your car here if you don't keep an
eye out...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah now, as soon as that car goes,
I have to nip out and put my car in
it's place.
DR. NOSTRUM
That can be someting that happens.
HUTCHBACK
That is something that happens,
that is actually something I do.
DR. NOSTRUM
That's why the guy should be based
on you.
HUTCHBACK
My ongoing... (he gets out the
parked car) It's actually an
ongoing battle that the other guy
isn't even aware of.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yes.
HUTCHBACK
That's the pathetic-ness of it.
It's a lifelong struggle not only
against an enemy that doesn't know
you, but doesn't care.
They re-enter the dungeon to a clank of keys and locks.
Thursday 21 October 2010
All Talk 62 - Buying 10 inch Bollocks
HUTCHBACK
God help them. They seem to think
there's something there.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.
HUTCHBACK
Which, um...
DR. NOSTRUM
Well there is something there
HUTCHBACK
Well...
DR. NOSTRUM
It's not easy to forget.
They park the car
HUTCHBACK
(getting out the car)
No, it's not easy to forget. But
then (car door closes) nor is being
raped and murdered. Doesn't mean
it's something you, er, want to
happen to you.
DR. NOSTRUM
Not everyone gets raped and
murdered.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah. What I mean is...
DR. NOSTRUM
Only spiders. All spiders get raped
and murdered.
HUTCHBACK
Well, no...
DR. NOSTRUM
Male spiders get raped and
murdered.
HUTCHBACK
No, no, they just get murdered.
DR. NOSTRUM
Sort of like Logan's Run.
HUTCHBACK
I don't think they all get
murdered, some of them escape. I've
seen footage. Some of them escape.
DR. NOSTRUM
They try and escape?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, of course they try and
escape!
DR. NOSTRUM
I thought once they'd got their end
away they stay and wait to get
eaten.
HUTCHBACK
No, no, they try and get away.
That's why it's all very tentative.
They have entered Bee and Queue. Hutchback picks up a basket.
The Dr. is lagging behind, we cant' hear him clearly as we
follow Hutchback through the store.
DR. NOSTRUM
Right, you need some mole grips.
HUTCHBACK
You know what? I don't feel like I
can be bothered to ask someone
where the Mole Wrenches are... Mole
Grips. I know where they are,
that's the problem. Well, I know
where the tools are. (imitates
conversation with Bee and Queue
rep) "Where are the tools?" "Well,
mainly waiting in aisles trying to
avoid being... Where are the
tools?...
DR. NOSTRUM
They're in the aisles browsing
HUTCHBACK
...Yeah, they're serving customers
at the moment, sorry." Actually,
they've moved everything.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, it's called re-licensing,
when they move everything... er, no
it's not, it's called merchandising
not re-licensing.
HUTCHBACK
It's called being annoying. How
about just buying a random tool?
Just to add to your... Oh, here we
go. Look at that!
DR. NOSTRUM
See, they call them... (Adjustable
Wrenches)
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, but that's not a good name...
that isn't what... there's no self
respecting builder would... (The
Dr. is trying to examine them in
their packaging) You probably can't
pull them out.
DR. NOSTRUM
(opening and closing them)
No, 'm just seeing how wide it
opens.
HUTCHBACK
That's fine. That's absolutely
fine.
DR. NOSTRUM
There you go! (breaks the packaging
seal and opens them fully)
HUTCHBACK
Wow!
DR. NOSTRUM
(opening and closing the
wrench)
Imagine if your jaws could do that!
So you need that (throws them in
the basket)and you need Viakal.
HUTCHBACK
I don't need Viakal!
DR. NOSTRUM
You do need Viakal.
HUTCHBACK
I can... no, it'll come straight
off with that. But I'll get Viakal
anyway.
DR. NOSTRUM
(seeing another wrench)
Ooh, look, they've got a special...
HUTCHBACK
Special...
DR. NOSTRUM
...sale. Oh, no, for 36.99 (he
throws the sale wrench into the
basket Hutchback's carrying, and
moves to take away the wide mouthed
wrench, impatient as always,
Hutchback stops him)
HUTCHBACK
Wait, no, no, I haven't finished
looking at these things...
DR. NOSTRUM
No, it's good, you can either get
one...
HUTCHBACK
I'm enjoying looking at these
things.
DR. NOSTRUM
...you get one for 8.99 or you can
get 3 for 36.99
HUTCHBACK
I don't think they, um, it's not
36.99; that's the socket set.
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh. Oh, no, they've got...
HUTCHBACK
It'll be cheaper. (Looking at the
sale wrenches the Dr. picked) And
they're rubbish, these are really
crappy ones.
DR. NOSTRUM
It's the same product.
HUTCHBACK
It's not
DR. NOSTRUM
Just a little bit smaller.
HUTCHBACK
No, no, (comparing them with the
wide mouthed ones) the build
quality is better, look at the...
maybe it is? OK.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, it's the same thing.
HUTCHBACK
Well, I might want to get a
recognized brand name version.
Well... (looking at ever larger
tools) Look at these! Look at them.
DR. NOSTRUM
(mis-reads the partially
hidden label)
"The Bollocks" is that their name?
HUTCHBACK
(laughs)
"The Bollocks"
DR. NOSTRUM
(swivelling them around)
Oh, "Turbo-locks"
HUTCHBACK
(still laughing)
That would be a good brand name for
the (puts on Thug-gone-Hoxton
voice) ironic modern man - "The
Bollocks
Hutchback looks closer at the turbo-locks label, which does
spell "...bo-locks", the "tur" being hidden by the angle of
view.
HUTCHBACK (CONT'D)
"The Bollocks" (laughs a lot)
Someone should definitely do that
cos it's not offensive, it's not
really offensive, it would be quite
good "The Bollocks"
DR. NOSTRUM
(getting them for
Hutchback)
Well there you go then, get
these...
HUTCHBACK
No, no, I don't know if they're
exactly what I need, but they look
good...
DR. NOSTRUM
(looking at the packaging)
Look, it even shows you, see,
there, someone gripping something
round.
HUTCHBACK
"The Bollocks" I do actually feel
like I kind of want these now. I've
got tool envy. (studies them) I
reckon it's all flash though.
Underneath it's the same piece of
shit as the other one, it's just
got some rubber stuff around it,
but you know what, it'd be better
on the hands - the rubbery bit.
DR. NOSTRUM
(reads the packaging more)
10 inch, look at that, they're 10
inch!
HUTCHBACK
10 inch! (starts laughing)
DR. NOSTRUM
"10 inch Bollocks". I mean that's
what I read you see? That's why I
said it. (He holds the packet in a
way that it looks like it says "10
inch bo-locks" and Hutchback laughs
loudly)
HUTCHBACK
Hold on, there might be an even
better one? Just... Hold on, now
look at... Look at this thing!
(Holds up an absolutely enormous
all metal wrench)
DR. NOSTRUM
That is a wrench.
HUTCHBACK
Now, that! But look, that is
unbelievable!
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no...
HUTCHBACK
(reads) That's exactly what I need
a "Pipe Wrench"
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, is it?
HUTCHBACK
(impressed)
Yeah. That would be perfect.
However...
DR. NOSTRUM
They're getting more and more
expensive.
HUTCHBACK
They are, and also not as, um,
generally useful.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, (going back to "The Bollocks")
this things good, it's not that big
either, even though it's expensive.
(Comparing to the pipe wrench)
These get slippy... if you're
trying to do anything useful, these
get slippery.
HUTCHBACK
Exactly. OK. You know if you're
covered in sweat and grease and,
you know, you're all oiled up.
DR. NOSTRUM
(speaking as if he knows)
No, they do get slippy.
HUTCHBACK
I'm just seeing if there's anything
else I need.
DR. NOSTRUM
What did Mrs. Hutchback need?
The Hutchback has gone off to discover other things, not
listening.
HUTCHBACK
The thing is, Viakal is going to be
hard to find here isn't it?
DR. NOSTRUM
No.
They walk around looking, Hutchack looks in the basket again
HUTCHBACK
(laughs as he reads the
packaging again)
"Bo-lock" that really is
unbelievable, they must've... they
must've realized that would be a
problem.
The Hutchback has wandered off to find Viakal and we stay
with him, as he confides in the recording device.
HUTCHBACK (CONT'D)
(aside)
I'm on my own now, I can tell the
Dr. what I really think of him...
He's a cunt.
The Dr calls from another aisle
DR. NOSTRUM
You know it's over there by the...
HUTCHBACK
No, I just went round there to, cos
I had to tell the, er, say
something that you couldn't hear...
DR. NOSTRUM
OK. The asshole.
HUTCHBACK
...what I really thought of you.
(Clears his throat) No, this is...
they're not going to have... lights
and shit. Ah. Kettle. Yeah, Very
clever, very clever, Mr. Muscle,
here we go, Oven-Pride...
DR. NOSTRUM
Miss Olivia De Mussel.
HUTCHBACK
Miss De Mussel, OK. Viakal.
DR. NOSTRUM
Look at that, frozen lime and
vinegar spray. That's it, just get
one of those.
HUTCHBACK
Ah, but I want something that also
works for Kettles.
DR. NOSTRUM
Kettles?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh
HUTCHBACK
(sees what he needs, puts
it in the basket)
Scale-Away.
Dr. Nostrum takes the Scale-Away out of the basket and
replaces it with Viakal
HUTCHBACK (CONT'D)
No, no, but I need it for my
kettle!
DR. NOSTRUM
(referring to the using
Scale-Away to de-scale
the pipe)
But how are you going to put that
on...
HUTCHBACK
No! I need that for my kettle! I
don't want Viakal, why do i want
Viakal.
DR. NOSTRUM
Cos it's great.
HUTCHBACK
"It's just great, you should buy
it. You don't know what you're
missing". Alright, fucker, I'll buy
some Viakal.
DR. NOSTRUM
Have you got anyone that helps
clean the dungeon?
HUTCHBACK
No.
DR. NOSTRUM
Isn't there someone your mum sends
round once in a while?
HUTCHBACK
No? (mockingly) "Someone my mum
sends round once in a while"! I
think you're thinking of some
other...
DR. NOSTRUM
I seem to remember you saying...
HUTCHBACK
...some other pussy footed
hunchback.
DR. NOSTRUM
I seem to remember you saying you
had a cleaning lady from
somewhere...
HUTCHBACK
No.
DR. NOSTRUM
...that couldn't get a job
anywhere? Something like that?
HUTCHBACK
Oh, I think it was one of Mrs.
Hutchback's friend's Mum, but we
ne...
That would be too embarrassing,
and... no. Anyway, there's a
recession going on in case you
didn't know.
DR. NOSTRUM
No.
HUTCHBACK
Things like paying people to clean
your dungeon...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. Paying people to do things...
HUTCHBACK
... just cos you're too lazy...
DR. NOSTRUM
...that's old hat.
HUTCHBACK
You know paying people to do
things, that's what got us into the
trouble we're in in the first
place.
DR. NOSTRUM
Mm. (pause) Fortunately I've never
been involved in that kind of
trouble. (beat) Did you see that
thing I sent you, I thought it was
a good quote, the Dean Saunders
thing, I thought "I like that" that
he's been at, um, he's been at
"both ends"...
HUTCHBACK
(laughs)
"Both Ends... and I know which one
tastes better."
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.
HUTCHBACK
"Tastes better", did he say?
DR. NOSTRUM
Which tastes better, yeah. I
thought it was memorable.
They reach the line for the cashier and put the tools on the
conveyor. They are behind other customers.
HUTCHBACK
So...
DR. NOSTRUM
As far as the premise goes...
HUTCHBACK
(referring to the Bo
locks)
See, we got some comedy gold out of
this.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, there is, there's lots of
comedy gold here. Things. Things
that happen, things in stores, it
all there, all you need to do is
just walk out your front door and
the whole world just starts
presenting itself to you.
HUTCHBACK
You see for me this is more
enjoyable than sitting down writing
a TV show, but well...
DR. NOSTRUM
So, you do this and then... (beat)
Do you think ant of the names on
the badges are their real names?
HUTCHBACK
(sarcastically)
No, they just pick up a random
badge when they come into work in
the morning.
DR. NOSTRUM
I don't think they're people's real
names. (beat) Did you read the
story I wrote about the Vodaphone
store? In Camden.
HUTCHBACK
Yes
DR. NOSTRUM
It's amazing. Amazing experience.
HUTCHBACK
And what was this product you were
trying to buy...
DR. NOSTRUM
No, it was just a phone, but it was
the idea that... I went into a
Carphone Warehouse and asked "is
there any phone which I don't have
to make a call within 90 days and
it doesn't shut off, which
apparently they all do.
At the cashier now
CASHIER
That's nineteen pounds and fourteen
pence please, do you have a Bee and
Queue card?
HUTCHBACK
No.
DR. NOSTRUM
And the guy in the Carphone
Warehouse of course says No, oh,
you know what, Vodaphone do,
Vodaphone Passport, it's made for
people who go away and you don't
have to use it for like 8 months.
But we don't have any, go to
Vodaphone. So I went to the
Vodaphone store.
HUTCHBACK
Why do you want one?
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, when I go away I just want to
have some phone here that doesn't
cut itself off.
HUTCHBACK
Why don't you use...
DR. NOSTRUM
Pay as you go.
HUTCHBACK
Why don't you just cancel it and
get a new one when you come back.
CASHIER
Would you like a bag for that?
HUTCHBACK
(to the cashier)
Yes. (to the Dr.) I mean why don't
you get...
DR. NOSTRUM
Cos then I have to get a new number
every time.
HUTCHBACK
Oh, that's true.
DR. NOSTRUM
Anyway, so, um...
HUTCHBACK
(sarcastically again)
Why don't you pay someone to use
your phone once in a while?
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. Every 89 days.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah (to the cashier) thank you.
DR. NOSTRUM
(trying to get back to
telling the story)
Anyway, so, er, that's what it was
about, I was just saying, you know,
you know you go in...
HUTCHBACK
(trying to solve the
problem of the cell
phone)
Alright, why don't you just buy a
phone and just send a text message
once every 3 months?
They get back in the vehicle.
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, like I'm going to remember to
do that? Set an alarm to say "send
text message."
HUTCHBACK
Well...
DR. NOSTRUM
You know that doesn't happen, stuff
goes in a drawer and... Just a
pointless waste of money.
HUTCHBACK
Whereas having a phone that you
never use is not a pointless waste
of money?
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, it's... A pay as you go
contract is free if you don't use
it.
HUTCHBACK
Oh, right, OK.
DR. NOSTRUM
So this is what it's about, going
to the Vodaphone store, you know,
waiting... I love that, you take a
ticket, you get a wait time of zero
minutes and then as soon as, you
know someone comes out and says
"Oh, No-one's got a ticket", I say
"I've got a ticket" the wait time
goes up, whilst you're waiting it
goes up from zero minutes to 2
minutes though there's nobody in
the shop. That's the thing, that's
the sort of thing that can
definitely be in...
HUTCHBACK
Yes, that can be in the show.
DR. NOSTRUM
So you're waiting, the wait time
goes up and then eventually,
eventually the guy behind the
desk...
HUTCHBACK
The whole thing about taking
tickets...
DR. NOSTRUM
Well in a shop where there are
people waiting to serve you, that's
the point, there's no other
customers in the shop.
HUTCHBACK
No, but there's a lot of mileage
around the whole taking ticket
thing.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah... So I'm sitting waiting,
eventually my number comes up on
the board, there's a guy behind the
counter, he just looks at me, no
one else in the shop, I wave the
ticket, silence. So I said "Can I
get served?" He nods. Nothing
else...
HUTCHBACK
They're specially trained you
know...
DR. NOSTRUM
I know, so I said...
HUTCHBACK
...to behave like that.
DR. NOSTRUM
So I said, "Do I have to come over
there?" and he just goes (Imitates
the shop staff member opening his
hands in a surly gesture of
presenting his desk as ready for
service) like that, to the till,
you know, so I go over there - 5
paces - go over ther, stand in
front of him, I say "Do you have
Vodaphone Passport?" He says "No."
HUTCHBACK
Nope
DR. NOSTRUM
So I walk out. It doesn't exist,
there's no such thing as Vodaphone
Passport, this thing that the
Carphone Warehouse told me to get
at Vodaphone. So, it may exist, but
of course, who can be bothered to
actually find someone that knows
what they're talking about?
HUTCHBACK
A cab driver at the airport was
waxing lyrical about sesame seed
paste that he used to buy from this
very specific shop there. It was
very funny, very random.
DR. NOSTRUM
What did you do?
HUTCHBACK
We told him where we lived and then
he went on and on and on about
sesame seed paste (puts on deep
eastern block voice) Oh, I used to
make my own Hummus. He was one of
those taxi drivers that used to
have a real job. They're the
saddest ones, the ones, you know,
they used to be a Surveyor, now
he's driving a taxi, he obviously
wasn't a very good Surveyor then.
DR. NOSTRUM
Used to be an investment banker...
I love the idea of finding a job
for all these people (the bankers
who brought the world to it's
knees) in teaching, or local
authorities, (As if they should
ever be in responsible positions
again) telling them how to invest
their money.
God help them. They seem to think
there's something there.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.
HUTCHBACK
Which, um...
DR. NOSTRUM
Well there is something there
HUTCHBACK
Well...
DR. NOSTRUM
It's not easy to forget.
They park the car
HUTCHBACK
(getting out the car)
No, it's not easy to forget. But
then (car door closes) nor is being
raped and murdered. Doesn't mean
it's something you, er, want to
happen to you.
DR. NOSTRUM
Not everyone gets raped and
murdered.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah. What I mean is...
DR. NOSTRUM
Only spiders. All spiders get raped
and murdered.
HUTCHBACK
Well, no...
DR. NOSTRUM
Male spiders get raped and
murdered.
HUTCHBACK
No, no, they just get murdered.
DR. NOSTRUM
Sort of like Logan's Run.
HUTCHBACK
I don't think they all get
murdered, some of them escape. I've
seen footage. Some of them escape.
DR. NOSTRUM
They try and escape?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, of course they try and
escape!
DR. NOSTRUM
I thought once they'd got their end
away they stay and wait to get
eaten.
HUTCHBACK
No, no, they try and get away.
That's why it's all very tentative.
They have entered Bee and Queue. Hutchback picks up a basket.
The Dr. is lagging behind, we cant' hear him clearly as we
follow Hutchback through the store.
DR. NOSTRUM
Right, you need some mole grips.
HUTCHBACK
You know what? I don't feel like I
can be bothered to ask someone
where the Mole Wrenches are... Mole
Grips. I know where they are,
that's the problem. Well, I know
where the tools are. (imitates
conversation with Bee and Queue
rep) "Where are the tools?" "Well,
mainly waiting in aisles trying to
avoid being... Where are the
tools?...
DR. NOSTRUM
They're in the aisles browsing
HUTCHBACK
...Yeah, they're serving customers
at the moment, sorry." Actually,
they've moved everything.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, it's called re-licensing,
when they move everything... er, no
it's not, it's called merchandising
not re-licensing.
HUTCHBACK
It's called being annoying. How
about just buying a random tool?
Just to add to your... Oh, here we
go. Look at that!
DR. NOSTRUM
See, they call them... (Adjustable
Wrenches)
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, but that's not a good name...
that isn't what... there's no self
respecting builder would... (The
Dr. is trying to examine them in
their packaging) You probably can't
pull them out.
DR. NOSTRUM
(opening and closing them)
No, 'm just seeing how wide it
opens.
HUTCHBACK
That's fine. That's absolutely
fine.
DR. NOSTRUM
There you go! (breaks the packaging
seal and opens them fully)
HUTCHBACK
Wow!
DR. NOSTRUM
(opening and closing the
wrench)
Imagine if your jaws could do that!
So you need that (throws them in
the basket)and you need Viakal.
HUTCHBACK
I don't need Viakal!
DR. NOSTRUM
You do need Viakal.
HUTCHBACK
I can... no, it'll come straight
off with that. But I'll get Viakal
anyway.
DR. NOSTRUM
(seeing another wrench)
Ooh, look, they've got a special...
HUTCHBACK
Special...
DR. NOSTRUM
...sale. Oh, no, for 36.99 (he
throws the sale wrench into the
basket Hutchback's carrying, and
moves to take away the wide mouthed
wrench, impatient as always,
Hutchback stops him)
HUTCHBACK
Wait, no, no, I haven't finished
looking at these things...
DR. NOSTRUM
No, it's good, you can either get
one...
HUTCHBACK
I'm enjoying looking at these
things.
DR. NOSTRUM
...you get one for 8.99 or you can
get 3 for 36.99
HUTCHBACK
I don't think they, um, it's not
36.99; that's the socket set.
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh. Oh, no, they've got...
HUTCHBACK
It'll be cheaper. (Looking at the
sale wrenches the Dr. picked) And
they're rubbish, these are really
crappy ones.
DR. NOSTRUM
It's the same product.
HUTCHBACK
It's not
DR. NOSTRUM
Just a little bit smaller.
HUTCHBACK
No, no, (comparing them with the
wide mouthed ones) the build
quality is better, look at the...
maybe it is? OK.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, it's the same thing.
HUTCHBACK
Well, I might want to get a
recognized brand name version.
Well... (looking at ever larger
tools) Look at these! Look at them.
DR. NOSTRUM
(mis-reads the partially
hidden label)
"The Bollocks" is that their name?
HUTCHBACK
(laughs)
"The Bollocks"
DR. NOSTRUM
(swivelling them around)
Oh, "Turbo-locks"
HUTCHBACK
(still laughing)
That would be a good brand name for
the (puts on Thug-gone-Hoxton
voice) ironic modern man - "The
Bollocks
Hutchback looks closer at the turbo-locks label, which does
spell "...bo-locks", the "tur" being hidden by the angle of
view.
HUTCHBACK (CONT'D)
"The Bollocks" (laughs a lot)
Someone should definitely do that
cos it's not offensive, it's not
really offensive, it would be quite
good "The Bollocks"
DR. NOSTRUM
(getting them for
Hutchback)
Well there you go then, get
these...
HUTCHBACK
No, no, I don't know if they're
exactly what I need, but they look
good...
DR. NOSTRUM
(looking at the packaging)
Look, it even shows you, see,
there, someone gripping something
round.
HUTCHBACK
"The Bollocks" I do actually feel
like I kind of want these now. I've
got tool envy. (studies them) I
reckon it's all flash though.
Underneath it's the same piece of
shit as the other one, it's just
got some rubber stuff around it,
but you know what, it'd be better
on the hands - the rubbery bit.
DR. NOSTRUM
(reads the packaging more)
10 inch, look at that, they're 10
inch!
HUTCHBACK
10 inch! (starts laughing)
DR. NOSTRUM
"10 inch Bollocks". I mean that's
what I read you see? That's why I
said it. (He holds the packet in a
way that it looks like it says "10
inch bo-locks" and Hutchback laughs
loudly)
HUTCHBACK
Hold on, there might be an even
better one? Just... Hold on, now
look at... Look at this thing!
(Holds up an absolutely enormous
all metal wrench)
DR. NOSTRUM
That is a wrench.
HUTCHBACK
Now, that! But look, that is
unbelievable!
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no...
HUTCHBACK
(reads) That's exactly what I need
a "Pipe Wrench"
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, is it?
HUTCHBACK
(impressed)
Yeah. That would be perfect.
However...
DR. NOSTRUM
They're getting more and more
expensive.
HUTCHBACK
They are, and also not as, um,
generally useful.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, (going back to "The Bollocks")
this things good, it's not that big
either, even though it's expensive.
(Comparing to the pipe wrench)
These get slippy... if you're
trying to do anything useful, these
get slippery.
HUTCHBACK
Exactly. OK. You know if you're
covered in sweat and grease and,
you know, you're all oiled up.
DR. NOSTRUM
(speaking as if he knows)
No, they do get slippy.
HUTCHBACK
I'm just seeing if there's anything
else I need.
DR. NOSTRUM
What did Mrs. Hutchback need?
The Hutchback has gone off to discover other things, not
listening.
HUTCHBACK
The thing is, Viakal is going to be
hard to find here isn't it?
DR. NOSTRUM
No.
They walk around looking, Hutchack looks in the basket again
HUTCHBACK
(laughs as he reads the
packaging again)
"Bo-lock" that really is
unbelievable, they must've... they
must've realized that would be a
problem.
The Hutchback has wandered off to find Viakal and we stay
with him, as he confides in the recording device.
HUTCHBACK (CONT'D)
(aside)
I'm on my own now, I can tell the
Dr. what I really think of him...
He's a cunt.
The Dr calls from another aisle
DR. NOSTRUM
You know it's over there by the...
HUTCHBACK
No, I just went round there to, cos
I had to tell the, er, say
something that you couldn't hear...
DR. NOSTRUM
OK. The asshole.
HUTCHBACK
...what I really thought of you.
(Clears his throat) No, this is...
they're not going to have... lights
and shit. Ah. Kettle. Yeah, Very
clever, very clever, Mr. Muscle,
here we go, Oven-Pride...
DR. NOSTRUM
Miss Olivia De Mussel.
HUTCHBACK
Miss De Mussel, OK. Viakal.
DR. NOSTRUM
Look at that, frozen lime and
vinegar spray. That's it, just get
one of those.
HUTCHBACK
Ah, but I want something that also
works for Kettles.
DR. NOSTRUM
Kettles?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh
HUTCHBACK
(sees what he needs, puts
it in the basket)
Scale-Away.
Dr. Nostrum takes the Scale-Away out of the basket and
replaces it with Viakal
HUTCHBACK (CONT'D)
No, no, but I need it for my
kettle!
DR. NOSTRUM
(referring to the using
Scale-Away to de-scale
the pipe)
But how are you going to put that
on...
HUTCHBACK
No! I need that for my kettle! I
don't want Viakal, why do i want
Viakal.
DR. NOSTRUM
Cos it's great.
HUTCHBACK
"It's just great, you should buy
it. You don't know what you're
missing". Alright, fucker, I'll buy
some Viakal.
DR. NOSTRUM
Have you got anyone that helps
clean the dungeon?
HUTCHBACK
No.
DR. NOSTRUM
Isn't there someone your mum sends
round once in a while?
HUTCHBACK
No? (mockingly) "Someone my mum
sends round once in a while"! I
think you're thinking of some
other...
DR. NOSTRUM
I seem to remember you saying...
HUTCHBACK
...some other pussy footed
hunchback.
DR. NOSTRUM
I seem to remember you saying you
had a cleaning lady from
somewhere...
HUTCHBACK
No.
DR. NOSTRUM
...that couldn't get a job
anywhere? Something like that?
HUTCHBACK
Oh, I think it was one of Mrs.
Hutchback's friend's Mum, but we
ne...
That would be too embarrassing,
and... no. Anyway, there's a
recession going on in case you
didn't know.
DR. NOSTRUM
No.
HUTCHBACK
Things like paying people to clean
your dungeon...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. Paying people to do things...
HUTCHBACK
... just cos you're too lazy...
DR. NOSTRUM
...that's old hat.
HUTCHBACK
You know paying people to do
things, that's what got us into the
trouble we're in in the first
place.
DR. NOSTRUM
Mm. (pause) Fortunately I've never
been involved in that kind of
trouble. (beat) Did you see that
thing I sent you, I thought it was
a good quote, the Dean Saunders
thing, I thought "I like that" that
he's been at, um, he's been at
"both ends"...
HUTCHBACK
(laughs)
"Both Ends... and I know which one
tastes better."
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.
HUTCHBACK
"Tastes better", did he say?
DR. NOSTRUM
Which tastes better, yeah. I
thought it was memorable.
They reach the line for the cashier and put the tools on the
conveyor. They are behind other customers.
HUTCHBACK
So...
DR. NOSTRUM
As far as the premise goes...
HUTCHBACK
(referring to the Bo
locks)
See, we got some comedy gold out of
this.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, there is, there's lots of
comedy gold here. Things. Things
that happen, things in stores, it
all there, all you need to do is
just walk out your front door and
the whole world just starts
presenting itself to you.
HUTCHBACK
You see for me this is more
enjoyable than sitting down writing
a TV show, but well...
DR. NOSTRUM
So, you do this and then... (beat)
Do you think ant of the names on
the badges are their real names?
HUTCHBACK
(sarcastically)
No, they just pick up a random
badge when they come into work in
the morning.
DR. NOSTRUM
I don't think they're people's real
names. (beat) Did you read the
story I wrote about the Vodaphone
store? In Camden.
HUTCHBACK
Yes
DR. NOSTRUM
It's amazing. Amazing experience.
HUTCHBACK
And what was this product you were
trying to buy...
DR. NOSTRUM
No, it was just a phone, but it was
the idea that... I went into a
Carphone Warehouse and asked "is
there any phone which I don't have
to make a call within 90 days and
it doesn't shut off, which
apparently they all do.
At the cashier now
CASHIER
That's nineteen pounds and fourteen
pence please, do you have a Bee and
Queue card?
HUTCHBACK
No.
DR. NOSTRUM
And the guy in the Carphone
Warehouse of course says No, oh,
you know what, Vodaphone do,
Vodaphone Passport, it's made for
people who go away and you don't
have to use it for like 8 months.
But we don't have any, go to
Vodaphone. So I went to the
Vodaphone store.
HUTCHBACK
Why do you want one?
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, when I go away I just want to
have some phone here that doesn't
cut itself off.
HUTCHBACK
Why don't you use...
DR. NOSTRUM
Pay as you go.
HUTCHBACK
Why don't you just cancel it and
get a new one when you come back.
CASHIER
Would you like a bag for that?
HUTCHBACK
(to the cashier)
Yes. (to the Dr.) I mean why don't
you get...
DR. NOSTRUM
Cos then I have to get a new number
every time.
HUTCHBACK
Oh, that's true.
DR. NOSTRUM
Anyway, so, um...
HUTCHBACK
(sarcastically again)
Why don't you pay someone to use
your phone once in a while?
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. Every 89 days.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah (to the cashier) thank you.
DR. NOSTRUM
(trying to get back to
telling the story)
Anyway, so, er, that's what it was
about, I was just saying, you know,
you know you go in...
HUTCHBACK
(trying to solve the
problem of the cell
phone)
Alright, why don't you just buy a
phone and just send a text message
once every 3 months?
They get back in the vehicle.
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, like I'm going to remember to
do that? Set an alarm to say "send
text message."
HUTCHBACK
Well...
DR. NOSTRUM
You know that doesn't happen, stuff
goes in a drawer and... Just a
pointless waste of money.
HUTCHBACK
Whereas having a phone that you
never use is not a pointless waste
of money?
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, it's... A pay as you go
contract is free if you don't use
it.
HUTCHBACK
Oh, right, OK.
DR. NOSTRUM
So this is what it's about, going
to the Vodaphone store, you know,
waiting... I love that, you take a
ticket, you get a wait time of zero
minutes and then as soon as, you
know someone comes out and says
"Oh, No-one's got a ticket", I say
"I've got a ticket" the wait time
goes up, whilst you're waiting it
goes up from zero minutes to 2
minutes though there's nobody in
the shop. That's the thing, that's
the sort of thing that can
definitely be in...
HUTCHBACK
Yes, that can be in the show.
DR. NOSTRUM
So you're waiting, the wait time
goes up and then eventually,
eventually the guy behind the
desk...
HUTCHBACK
The whole thing about taking
tickets...
DR. NOSTRUM
Well in a shop where there are
people waiting to serve you, that's
the point, there's no other
customers in the shop.
HUTCHBACK
No, but there's a lot of mileage
around the whole taking ticket
thing.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah... So I'm sitting waiting,
eventually my number comes up on
the board, there's a guy behind the
counter, he just looks at me, no
one else in the shop, I wave the
ticket, silence. So I said "Can I
get served?" He nods. Nothing
else...
HUTCHBACK
They're specially trained you
know...
DR. NOSTRUM
I know, so I said...
HUTCHBACK
...to behave like that.
DR. NOSTRUM
So I said, "Do I have to come over
there?" and he just goes (Imitates
the shop staff member opening his
hands in a surly gesture of
presenting his desk as ready for
service) like that, to the till,
you know, so I go over there - 5
paces - go over ther, stand in
front of him, I say "Do you have
Vodaphone Passport?" He says "No."
HUTCHBACK
Nope
DR. NOSTRUM
So I walk out. It doesn't exist,
there's no such thing as Vodaphone
Passport, this thing that the
Carphone Warehouse told me to get
at Vodaphone. So, it may exist, but
of course, who can be bothered to
actually find someone that knows
what they're talking about?
HUTCHBACK
A cab driver at the airport was
waxing lyrical about sesame seed
paste that he used to buy from this
very specific shop there. It was
very funny, very random.
DR. NOSTRUM
What did you do?
HUTCHBACK
We told him where we lived and then
he went on and on and on about
sesame seed paste (puts on deep
eastern block voice) Oh, I used to
make my own Hummus. He was one of
those taxi drivers that used to
have a real job. They're the
saddest ones, the ones, you know,
they used to be a Surveyor, now
he's driving a taxi, he obviously
wasn't a very good Surveyor then.
DR. NOSTRUM
Used to be an investment banker...
I love the idea of finding a job
for all these people (the bankers
who brought the world to it's
knees) in teaching, or local
authorities, (As if they should
ever be in responsible positions
again) telling them how to invest
their money.
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