DR. NOSTRUM
So we could be... Something in, er,
OK... so he's been irrelevant for
at least twenty five years during
which he's been pitching his film
about how the commercial reaction
to... something, er, is...
HUTCHBACK
To the death of the end of the
culture cult... end of the can...
end of counter culture is... has,
er, been the death of the
American... soul. It's a very
pompous pretentious political fable
that no-one's interested in except
him.
DR. NOSTRUM
(ready to type it up)
So, how the commercial reaction...
to what?
HUTCHBACK
To the end of the counter
culture...
DR. NOSTRUM
(pause to think deeply)
Oh. OK. I understand. OK.
HUTCHBACK
(slowly)
Signalled the death of the American
soul.
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, OK. (pause) Do you think that
actually means we should come up
with a movie? We'll wait. We'll
wait for that. If someone pays us
to do it, we'll do it.
HUTCHBACK
It's not a very... it wouldn't make
a very interesting movie. In fact,
it's been done. It's been done on
many forms.
DR. NOSTRUM
OK.
HUTCHBACK
Forrest Gump, for God's sake, kind
of addressed it. Any historical
film set across multiple...
DR. NOSTRUM
So you know what?
HUTCHBACK
...decades.
DR. NOSTRUM
That, in fact, that could be a
great... When he's pitching that to
these people, they could say...
HUTCHBACK
"Oh, yeah...
TOGETHER
"like Forrest Gump"
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. So, that's good. So in the
pitch that opens the show, yeah?
HUTCHBACK
(in character)
"Well, we've got another project
that's a bit Gump-ish at the
moment, so, not interested in that
specifically, but we'd love to work
with you..." What's his first name?
DR. NOSTRUM
We don't have a first name.
HUTCHBACK
He needs a first name.
DR. NOSTRUM
No. Like 'Morse'.
HUTCHBACK
No. Because when they refer to
him...
DR. NOSTRUM
Frank.
HUTCHBACK
(tries it out)
Frank. Frank Green. No.
DR. NOSTRUM
Mm.
HUTCHBACK
Jack Green.
DR. NOSTRUM
Jack Green? It's not bad.
(Ironically) Hughie? Jack Green.
Well leave it for the moment.
HUTCHBACK
"But we want to work with you
Jack."
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.
HUTCHBACK
"We've got a project that we think
is just perfect for you." OK. So
then he goes home in an absolute
rage.
DR. NOSTRUM
I don't like the idea of
referencing the orange film board,
giving it any...
HUTCHBACK
No, no, don;t talk about that at
all.
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, right. OK.
HUTCHBACK
Leave that bit out. (sarcastically)
Yeah, we're ripping off an advert
for our TV show.
DR. NOSTRUM
Er.
Hutchback has brought cake in from the Kitchen.
HUTCHBACK
So you want the big piece or the
little piece?
DR. NOSTRUM
They look the same.
HUTCHBACK
(giving him a slice)
Take the big piece then.
DR. NOSTRUM
Erm. That's not a bad place to
actually say something like... "In
the pitch that opens his part of
the show" you could say, you know?
"That opens his introduction to the
show" you know? "Introduction to...
to...
HUTCHBACK
Man, that's good cake!
DR. NOSTRUM
"In the pitch that opens his
introduction to the show..." The
response to his film... could be
what? "Like, you mean like Forrest
Gump?" or something like that?
Alright, whatever, I'll find a way
to say that. Er, so, but anyway...
(sounds of typing) "We want to work
with you"
HUTCHBACK
No, "We have the perfect project
for you, Jack." (pause) or "We want
to work with you."
DR. NOSTRUM
"We think we've got the perfect
project for you." "We think we've
got the perfect project." And that
would be enough, basically, to
introduce him?
HUTCHBACK
Mm-hmm, and then you go to the next
thing.
DR. NOSTRUM
And then you've got your guy
looking out his window. In any
order, this could be in any order.
So we've got Zack... "Zack is
peering out of his... his apartment
window." And let's say his Mum's
with him, that's fine, we can do
that too.
HUTCHBACK
(eating)
Mm-hmm.
DR. NOSTRUM
And, er... "What are you looking
at?", he says "It doesn't matter."
HUTCHBACK
That's very nice cake.
DR. NOSTRUM
(takes a bite)
Ooh. It's very gooey. Mmm.
HUTCHBACK
It's banana.
DR. NOSTRUM
Mm.
HUTCHBACK
So...
DR. NOSTRUM
Could his Mum be there. Immediately
make the point that he's got this
Jewish Mum.
HUTCHBACK
I think we need to set this up...
His whole, um, kind of, career
success level, um, straightaway.
So, he's...
DR. NOSTRUM
He's getting ready for work?
HUTCHBACK
Where would he be living? He'd be
living in some shit part of town.
DR. NOSTRUM
(not certain)
I don't know. I don't really know
what it's like. OK, he's looking
out his apartment window in...
HUTCHBACK
In...
DR. NOSTRUM
In a low rent...
HUTCHBACK
N-n-no wait, let's find...
DR. NOSTRUM
Low rent part of town.
HUTCHBACK
Let's find a...
DR. NOSTRUM
What? You going to do this on
Google Earth or something?
HUTCHBACK
No, no. I'm just going to see if we
can find a neighborhood that's...
DR. NOSTRUM
Burbank?
HUTCHBACK
..a bad neighborhood.
DR. NOSTRUM
I think Burbank is s'posed to be.
It's very...
HUTCHBACK
No, it's, er...
DR. NOSTRUM
It changes you see, I don't think
it's that relevant, by the time we
do talk about this we won't know
what the hell we're talking about
anyway, so... OK. If you want. What
are you looking for "low rent L.A.
Neighborhoods?" Why don't you just
put that in there? Put in
"Apartment rental L.A." See if you
get 'low rents' somewhere? You know
what, why don't we make it where we
went: West Hollywood? You know,
where we were walking around, where
that bar was with the transvestites
'n that? At least we can remember
it.
HUTCHBACK
No, cos it sounds... cos it sounds
too much like... Well, OK, i'm
thinking about English viewers,
but..
DR. NOSTRUM
No, forget about England because to
the people there, you know, they'll
just relocate it, but at least
we'll be able to think about, it
you know? Like, Venice was nice,
where were we that wasn't that
nice?
Hutchback scours the internet.
HUTCHBACK
Oh, that's good! That's a good
area. Paramount, apparently.
DR. NOSTRUM
So he's in a low rent part of
Paramount, yeah? Why don't you pull
it up on Google Earth or something?
Or Google Maps? Pick a street,
(muttering) oh, no, it doesn't
matter. OK, Zack... low rent part
of Paramount... he's getting ready
to go to wrok, yeah?
HUTCHBACK
Or Long Beach?
DR. NOSTRUM
I don't know. I really don;t know,
I've no idea.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, no, Long Beach is good. In
Long Beach, it says, the lower the
price, the more ghetto it is. Yeah,
let's say he's in Long Beach.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, but that might be a positive
comment. It might be a good
comment.
HUTCHBACK
No, no, I know Long Beach. Long
Beach is referenced in lots of old
rap songs, so it must be a shitty
area.
DR. NOSTRUM
OK. Well, we don't know if that's
right. It might suggest to the
people reading it that he's black.
So, what he is...
you know what, let's just say "Jack
is, er, is a twenty-something..."
yeah? "Is a twenty-something...
HUTCHBACK
(reading the web more)
Ah, there again, "No, stay out of
Norwalk and Paramount, good lord,
do you have a death wish?"
DR. NOSTRUM
Mm. Do you think? Is he that poor?
HUTCHBACK
Yes. He has to be, he's
completely... he hasn't got... he
doesn't do anything.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, he works...
HUTCHBACK
He works at flushing out people's
shit for a living.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. Yeah, but that might be well
paid, I don't know. For all I know
that's a good job.
HUTCHBACK
It probably is, yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Why don't you look up colonic
irrigation jobs? (Hutchback starts
laughing). Look, just look it up
and see what you come up with. See
what the pay is. There must be one
advertised?
HUTCHBACK
I bet it is well paid actually. If
you think about it. It's a skilled
profession and, um, it's not very
desirable.
DR. NOSTRUM
Look it up on Monster.
HUTCHBACK
On, Monster, hah! It'd be good if
they captured all the search
criteria and from then on they keep
sending me all these colonic
irrigation posts.
DR. NOSTRUM
See, he could be saying that. One
of the things he's doing with
Jimmy: he's tapping away, you know
"Oh, I'm on Monster looking for
another...
TOGETHER
"...colonic irrigation."
HUTCHBACK
Let's say he's re-trained, as, er,
re-training as a colonic... So he's
a trainee. OK. This is it, he's not
actually working there, he's
training.
DR. NOSTRUM
I just want to remember that line,
hold on (types) "I'm on Monster
looking for a...
HUTCHBACK
(chuckling)
Colonic irrigation job.
DR. NOSTRUM
"... colonic irrigation gig."
HUTCHBACK
To become a colonic irrigation
therapist. That, I think, is the
official title.
DR. NOSTRUM
Is it?
HUTCHBACK
Yes.
DR. NOSTRUM
OK. So he's a trainee...
HUTCHBACK
He's a trainee colonic irrigation
therapist.
DR. NOSTRUM
Wait. Part time.
HUTCHBACK
Part time.
DR. NOSTRUM
Right, that's what it must be
because he needs time for his
industry...
HUTCHBACK
Oh, maybe they have...
DR. NOSTRUM
(shouts)
You know what! That's the other...
Oh, go on...
HUTCHBACK
No. Maybe he has a... in the way
that trainee hairdressers have a,
kind if, hair model thing at
home...
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, yeah. He has an arse.
HUTCHBACK
He has an arse and a pipe.
DR. NOSTRUM
And the other thing I was thinking
is that this job, in this job...
this is important, that he has, he
starts to recognise people at
parties, because he's looking
around...
HUTCHBACK
Looking at their arses.
DR. NOSTRUM
... at their arses. So he's like
"Hello, have we met?" you know,
this sort of thing? And so he
thinks it's a good way to network.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
So maybe that's it, he tells Jimmy
it's a good place to network.
HUTCHBACK
He shakes someone's hand and "That
feels very familiar."
DR. NOSTRUM
I just have this idea that you
never see the person. I don't know,
but I can't imagine that's the
layout, but I like the idea that
you only have a curtain and that
you get the arse coming through the
curtain, cos all these people are
famous, so, you know... So. "He's a
trainee part time colonic irri...
HUTCHBACK
Colonic irrigation therapist.
DR. NOSTRUM
At a very shi-shi clinic. Yeah?
HUTCHBACK
Well, no, he's at colonic
irrigation school? I don't know?
He's a trainee.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well I think he's in the
business...
HUTCHBACK
Oh, OK.
DR. NOSTRUM
... but the reason he's doing it is
because that's where all the TV
people go. Yeah? So he's got on
this job where all the TV people go
and he thinks he can recognise them
at parties.
HUTCHBACK
Oh, you know what... This is much
better, cos colonic irrigation
is... it's kind of not funny
because it's so obvious...
DR. NOSTRUM
Right.
HUTCHBACK
The other way to refer to them is
as "A Colon Hydrotherapist". I
think that's much, much better.
DR. NOSTRUM
OK. "Part Time Colon..."
HUTCHBACK
"Hydrotherapist."
DR. NOSTRUM
Hold on.
HUTCHBACK
Cos it take you half a second to
realise what it is.
DR. NOSTRUM
I like the idea that they've got
the word 'rapist' at the end of the
word. Which I always thought was
quite funny with the, er...
HUTCHBACK
Hydro The Rapist.
DR. NOSTRUM
It's good. That could be his online
name. Hydro the...
HUTCHBACK
Hydro the Rapist... Yeah, he's this
Hydrotherapist...
DR. NOSTRUM
And in blogs...
HUTCHBACK
And he accidentally puts a space in
it and so, he goes in as Hydro The
Rapist.
DR. NOSTRUM
Like, his calling card.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
That could be one of his...
HUTCHBACK
(imitating reading the
card)
"Hydro The Rapist?"
DR. NOSTRUM
OK. "His calling card accidentally
has a..."
HUTCHBACK
Has a space.
DR. NOSTRUM
It could be part of the episode, he
just gets his cards and he doesn't
look.
HUTCHBACK
Maybe cos he goes to, like, a
machine to get them?
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, yeah, he doesn't see that it
has a spell-checker, that could be
it. It doesn't know the word it so
it splits it up for him. OK. So
"he's a part-time colon
hydrotherapist, er, at a very
exclusive clinic"?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Where all the industry go? OK.
That's good.
HUTCHBACK
OK. His mum's not there, because we
want him to be going to work.
DR. NOSTRUM
Is he, er, can I write "he's a
schlub Jewish twenty-something?"
Why not?
HUTCHBACK
(disparagingly)
No. Schlub. No.
DR. NOSTRUM
He's a Jewish twenty-something.
HUTCHBACK
He's a Jewish twenty-something
waster.
DR. NOSTRUM
A Jewish twenty-something
irritating waster.
HUTCHBACK
No, not irritating, just put
"waster".
DR. NOSTRUM
OK. "With designs on..." Were there
any jobs, by the way, for colonic
hydrotherapist?
HUTCHBACK
Sadly, no.
DR. NOSTRUM
It doesn't tell you what kind of
wage they get?
HUTCHBACK
No.
DR. NOSTRUM
So how do you get the job? I guess
you just turn up? "With designs on
being a Reality TV producer."
HUTCHBACK
Oh, here we go, directory of
therapists and courses. Oh, this is
good information. Maybe he can be
at a lecture and he's, er...
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, at some point.
HUTCHBACK
"The practice was repeatedly used
in ancient Egypt, China and India."
DR. NOSTRUM
For what? Preparing Mummies?
HUTCHBACK
No! No...
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, it's always been used.
HUTCHBACK
... for living humans.
DR. NOSTRUM
It's always been used though.
HUTCHBACK
Well I didn't know that. (Implying
that thus, it can't be common
knowledge)
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, it's really old. Even tribes,
um, Amazonian tribes have this
thing where you've got, like, they
put, like, fish guts and things
like that on a wire and feed it up
through your arse, right, yeah,
this is a very... I don't know how
I know this... bizarre knowledge...
and it... just to irrigate your
system they do that periodically,
like once every three months or
something.
HUTCHBACK
Fish guts on a wire up your arse.
That doesn't sound that good for
you.
DR. NOSTRUM
Not on a wire, on a little creeper
or something...
The Hutchback starts laughing at this ludicrous premise.
DR. NOSTRUM (CONT'D)
... or you swallow it? Oh, no,
that's what it was, it was that you
swallow it. You remember that
bloke, Crumb's brother, that was
that practice, that they eat the
string, a bit of string.
HUTCHBACK
And then he pulls it out.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.
HUTCHBACK
Right. I'm about to use Turbo-lok.
Sunday 5 December 2010
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