All Talk 61 - Shopping and Writing For TV Is Not Easy

(The Doctor and Hutchback are still looking for tools)

DR. NOSTRUM
...I've had momentum before and
this isn't it.

HUTCHBACK
(imitating the Dr)
Er, I don't know what momentum is,
but this isn't it. (Being himself
again) This is just 2 idiots trying
to find a fucking Monkey Wrench.

DR. NOSTRUM
Or Mole...

HUTCHBACK
Or even Mole... In fact, you know
what I'm going to do? I'm going to
ask them if they've got any Mole
Grips.

DR. NOSTRUM
Who?

HUTCHBACK
In Bee and Queue and see what they
say.

DR. NOSTRUM
Right, OK. Well, what they'll
say...

HUTCHBACK
They'll say...

DR. NOSTRUM
...is "Aisle 3"

HUTCHBACK
..."I don't know"...

DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, yeah, "Don't know"

HUTCHBACK
..."I don't know"

DR. NOSTRUM
"What are they for?" Well, they're
for getting moles out of... moles
out of holes.

HUTCHBACK
They're for gripping moles. And
that's why they're called mole
grips! That is total... That's
exactly why they're called Mole
Grips. They're the sort of thing
you'd need to really (acts it) get
a hold of a mole.

DR. NOSTRUM
Whereas a Monkey Wrench is the sort
of thing you'd need to wrench a
monkey.

HUTCHBACK
Yes.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, you know... I dunno. What
else... I've been thinking about
it, but I'll probably just leave
it. They'll probably tell us
they've got them in Lakeland.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah, you need Lakeland. (Beat)
that would be quite good I suppose.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, just as a thing, as an
ongoing thing, I think, and you
must like it too, one of the things
you like about what's been done in
other series, like Harold Hill's
stuff, is you have these kind of...
points, you have these kind of edit
points, or whatever they are...

HUTCHBACK
(imitating Peter Cook)
"Edit point, you cunt"

DR. NOSTRUM
...you have all these bits where
the same thing crops up across a
series.

HUTCHBACK
Mm.

DR. NOSTRUM
Remember, in America a series is 29
episodes.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah, I don't think were going to
be doing...

DR. NOSTRUM
Which is not...

HUTCHBACK
...29 episodes

DR. NOSTRUM
...No, that's not what we're
looking for. What are we looking
for? Like a British series is 6
episodes, roughly, it can be, so...
But! What was... what did... what I
did think about was that if it's an
American thing... cos he, Rat was
saying, he thought you have to
pitch it for America, that's why I
was thinking L.A. New York and also
Barbara Walters was thinking, it
really is much more kind of the way,
er, it's the sort of thing that can
happen in America but in England it
would be completely different. But
anyway, you know what, she's
American. Um...

HUTCHBACK
Yeah, what the fuck do they know?

DR. NOSTRUM
The, um...

HUTCHBACK
They just invented TV.

DR. NOSTRUM
Did they?

HUTCHBACK
No, they didn't literally invent
it, but...

DR. NOSTRUM
A Scottish guy, I thought.

HUTCHBACK
They didn't invent the physical...

DR. NOSTRUM
No, no

HUTCHBACK
...but TV would be nothing without
America.

DR. NOSTRUM
No. Um... (beat) ...that it would
be good to have this constant
thing, er, several things that
happen to the character...

HUTCHBACK
(impatient to overtake a
slow car)
Shall I do some road rage?

DR. NOSTRUM
(overly loud, frustrated
that Hutchback is not
listening)
No! No road rage...

HUTCHBACK
(laughing, imitating)
No!

DR. NOSTRUM
...No rage. No rage, at all, no
rage. Keep it...

HUTCHBACK
Just... keep it calm.

DR. NOSTRUM
...on an even keel.

HUTCHBACK
(chuckling)
Keep it on an even keel.

DR. NOSTRUM
(trying to get the thread
back)
But you can...

HUTCHBACK
You're being...

DR. NOSTRUM
...you can start...

HUTCHBACK
...you're being a little bit over
sensitive today, to my Road Rage.

DR. NOSTRUM
You can start with this guy looking
out his window at this filthy...

TOGETHER
...Blue van.

HUTCHBACK
Yup.

DR. NOSTRUM
That can happen anywhere in the
world.

HUTCHBACK
That could happen anywhere in the
world.

DR. NOSTRUM
He has...

HUTCHBACK
I think people will relate to
that...

DR. NOSTRUM
...a cause

HUTCHBACK
...I think we've found 'the common
man'. The theme for the common man.

DR. NOSTRUM
He has a cause and that's one of he
things that goes on and I presume
what starts it... what seems to
make sense is that it's better to
start with Zack, cos he's, he's,
er, he's, um...

HUTCHBACK
I believe...

DR. NOSTRUM
...not where it will go. Yep, go
on.

HUTCHBACK
I believe though, that, like in all
half hour comedy programs...

DR. NOSTRUM
Well let's say it's an hour.

HUTCHBACK
No...

DR. NOSTRUM
We can forget that premise
immediately.

HUTCHBACK
No, cos that means we've got to
write more.

DR. NOSTRUM
No you don't, what are you talking
about? You write half as much. Oh,
OK, it doesn't matter.

HUTCHBACK
No, but I think it should be half
hour...

DR. NOSTRUM
OK.

HUTCHBACK
...because, within that format you
can tell... well, you need to...
each episode needs to have a setup
and resolution...

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, of course it does.

HUTCHBACK
...clearly, so...

DR. NOSTRUM
I don't think it should be....

HUTCHBACK
...something like the van, if you
bring that in from the beginning...

DR. NOSTRUM
I don't think you have to resolve
it...

HUTCHBACK
N-n-no, no, no. Generally you would
need to resolve it in the first
episode.

DR. NOSTRUM
I don't think that's the kind of
series... First of all, if it's an
American thing, the idea is the
pilot. The pilot can be an hour or
an hour and a half, so that's a
completely different episode to the
rest of the series. What happens in
the pilot, if, if it is a series...

HUTCHBACK
(as if announcing their arrival)
Here's us.

DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, this wasn't from me...

HUTCHBACK
No, no , I know.

DR. NOSTRUM
I'm talking about Rat, if it's a
pilot we have to go at a completely
different pace, because by the end
of the pilot you have to reach, to
mention...

HUTCHBACK
To wrap up the story.

DR. NOSTRUM
No, you have to mention (he names
the big idea). That's the bit...
whereas we were talking before that
you don't do that till way into the
series. Otherwise there's no point
for anyone to tune I don't think,
really. So, I'd rather not have to
do that. I'd rather the idea that
you write a long series that, like,
like, um, whatever that American
one is that's been popular at the
moment about the TV people, I can't
remember.

HUTCHBACK
30 rock?

DR. NOSTRUM
Whatever it is, there's a few. I
don't know.

HUTCHBACK
30 rock.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, whatever. OK, I don't know.
Well I think the pace thing of the
series will just depend on what...
if anyone gives you money to do it
we can think about it, but at the
moment we might as well just think
about writing a story.

HUTCHBACK
A single...

DR. NOSTRUM
Just the...

HUTCHBACK
...one hour, story.

DR. NOSTRUM
...you know, a story. Cos the other
thing, Rat said, was that if it
won't go for TV, pitch it as a
movie. So this really is the
bizarre world where others are
actually trying to get a product
out of this stuff, um, but there we
are.

HUTCHBACK
All these people who actually work
in the industry have put their
faith in us?

DR. NOSTRUM
Well...

HUTCHBACK
God help them.