(The Doctor and Hutchback are still looking for tools)
...I've had momentum before and
this isn't it.
(imitating the Dr)
Er, I don't know what momentum is,
but this isn't it. (Being himself
again) This is just 2 idiots trying
to find a fucking Monkey Wrench.
Or even Mole... In fact, you know
what I'm going to do? I'm going to
ask them if they've got any Mole
In Bee and Queue and see what they
Right, OK. Well, what they'll
...is "Aisle 3"
..."I don't know"...
Oh, yeah, "Don't know"
..."I don't know"
"What are they for?" Well, they're
for getting moles out of... moles
out of holes.
They're for gripping moles. And
that's why they're called mole
grips! That is total... That's
exactly why they're called Mole
Grips. They're the sort of thing
you'd need to really (acts it) get
a hold of a mole.
Whereas a Monkey Wrench is the sort
of thing you'd need to wrench a
Well, you know... I dunno. What
else... I've been thinking about
it, but I'll probably just leave
it. They'll probably tell us
they've got them in Lakeland.
Yeah, you need Lakeland. (Beat)
that would be quite good I suppose.
Well, just as a thing, as an
ongoing thing, I think, and you
must like it too, one of the things
you like about what's been done in
other series, like Harold Hill's
stuff, is you have these kind of...
points, you have these kind of edit
points, or whatever they are...
(imitating Peter Cook)
"Edit point, you cunt"
...you have all these bits where
the same thing crops up across a
Remember, in America a series is 29
Yeah, I don't think were going to
Which is not...
...No, that's not what we're
looking for. What are we looking
for? Like a British series is 6
episodes, roughly, it can be, so...
But! What was... what did... what I
did think about was that if it's an
American thing... cos he, Rat was
saying, he thought you have to
pitch it for America, that's why I
was thinking L.A. New York and also
Barbara Walters was thinking, it
really is much more kind of the way,
er, it's the sort of thing that can
happen in America but in England it
would be completely different. But
anyway, you know what, she's
Yeah, what the fuck do they know?
They just invented TV.
No, they didn't literally invent
A Scottish guy, I thought.
They didn't invent the physical...
...but TV would be nothing without
No. Um... (beat) ...that it would
be good to have this constant
thing, er, several things that
happen to the character...
(impatient to overtake a
Shall I do some road rage?
(overly loud, frustrated
that Hutchback is not
No! No road rage...
...No rage. No rage, at all, no
rage. Keep it...
Just... keep it calm.
...on an even keel.
Keep it on an even keel.
(trying to get the thread
But you can...
...you can start...
...you're being a little bit over
sensitive today, to my Road Rage.
You can start with this guy looking
out his window at this filthy...
That can happen anywhere in the
That could happen anywhere in the
I think people will relate to
...I think we've found 'the common
man'. The theme for the common man.
He has a cause and that's one of he
things that goes on and I presume
what starts it... what seems to
make sense is that it's better to
start with Zack, cos he's, he's,
er, he's, um...
...not where it will go. Yep, go
I believe though, that, like in all
half hour comedy programs...
Well let's say it's an hour.
We can forget that premise
No, cos that means we've got to
No you don't, what are you talking
about? You write half as much. Oh,
OK, it doesn't matter.
No, but I think it should be half
...because, within that format you
can tell... well, you need to...
each episode needs to have a setup
Yeah, of course it does.
I don't think it should be....
...something like the van, if you
bring that in from the beginning...
I don't think you have to resolve
N-n-no, no, no. Generally you would
need to resolve it in the first
I don't think that's the kind of
series... First of all, if it's an
American thing, the idea is the
pilot. The pilot can be an hour or
an hour and a half, so that's a
completely different episode to the
rest of the series. What happens in
the pilot, if, if it is a series...
(as if announcing their arrival)
No, no, this wasn't from me...
No, no , I know.
I'm talking about Rat, if it's a
pilot we have to go at a completely
different pace, because by the end
of the pilot you have to reach, to
To wrap up the story.
No, you have to mention (he names
the big idea). That's the bit...
whereas we were talking before that
you don't do that till way into the
series. Otherwise there's no point
for anyone to tune I don't think,
really. So, I'd rather not have to
do that. I'd rather the idea that
you write a long series that, like,
like, um, whatever that American
one is that's been popular at the
moment about the TV people, I can't
Whatever it is, there's a few. I
Well, whatever. OK, I don't know.
Well I think the pace thing of the
series will just depend on what...
if anyone gives you money to do it
we can think about it, but at the
moment we might as well just think
about writing a story.
...one hour, story.
...you know, a story. Cos the other
thing, Rat said, was that if it
won't go for TV, pitch it as a
movie. So this really is the
bizarre world where others are
actually trying to get a product
out of this stuff, um, but there we
All these people who actually work
in the industry have put their
faith in us?
God help them.