HUTCHBACK
Whether it's any good or not is a
whole other matter. But it's not
difficult to come up with stories.
DR. NOSTRUM
"... and he drives off." OK. "he
drives..."
HUTCHBACK
No, no, no. He pulls out...
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, he pulls... No, I'm saying, he
pulls... he drives off, in the
mirror we see The Blue Van.
HUTCHBACK
(under his breath,
imitating the character)
"fucking cunt"
DR. NOSTRUM
"... he drives off and in his
mirror, we see The Blue Van," OK,
it's good "...The Blue Van pull
into his spot. "Fucking Cunt" are
the first words we hear...
HUTCHBACK
It's not as funny when Americans
say it though, is it?
DR. NOSTRUM
Whatever. That's OK. "... "Fucking
cunt" are the first words we
hear...
HUTCHBACK
(A sudden thought)
Oh, that would be a good one; I did
an illegal U-turn and this guy
leaned out his car and went
"Jackass!" Really loudly. I really
enjoyed that. It was such a perfect
American moment.
DR. NOSTRUM
Mm. So, I'm just going to swap that
cos I actually think that's a
better start than Green. That's
much better. Mm.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
So there we go "Green..." so...
so... that's fine. And that's
enough on Zack there, er, "Green is
a once famous, pompous and self
obsessed film producer... (he
mumbles on fast scanning but we
can't make out the words)" SO I
guess he's the next person we go
to? He's pitching. He's pitching
and someone will have to come up
with some useful stuff to say. What
you said was great but, well, I've
recorded it so that's alright.
"(More fast scanned mumbling on
Green)...film." See I actually
met... there's a guy, well, it's
not the same level at all, but it's
quite funny.
He's 80, this guy, and he's been
trying to make a musical and he
wrote Peeps Dragon...
HUTCHBACK
(whimsically impressed)
Oh, OK.
DR. NOSTRUM
Remember Peeps Dragon?
HUTCHBACK
What was it? Oh, was it a, er,
film?
DR. NOSTRUM
A kids film. A Disney film. I mean
all those years ago with Jim Dale
and whoever and er, well, it was
Harvey, is what it was.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
But, um, he's a friend of Mrs.
Nostrum's...
HUTCHBACK
Your tea's getting cold.
DR. NOSTRUM
Er, Mum, you know, whatever, I met
him. And he's been trying to pitch
this idea about a musical...
HUTCHBACK
For sixty years.
DR. NOSTRUM
... well, er, a musical...
HUTCHBACK
Based on Pete's Dragon.
DR. NOSTRUM
... called Bite Me, which is, you
know, about Dracula.
HUTCHBACK
(laughing)
Drac...
DR. NOSTRUM
...called Bite Me, er, and er, he
wanted to play... he was here this
month and he wanted to play me the
songs that they, you know, he's got
for this. I don't know and er, it's
just funny. And he's on the
Academy, he's on the Academy Panel,
he picks movies that are, er...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, but there's loads of them...
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no there aren't loads, there
are about 1200 people I think...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Whatever, so, considering how many
people are it's quite funny...
HUTCHBACK
I hate the wiring in this fucking
cave.
DR. NOSTRUM
Hmm?
HUTCHBACK
My bulbs go all the time.
DR. NOSTRUM
Why do you think it's the wiring?
HUTCHBACK
It's definitely the wiring.
DR. NOSTRUM
Why? It could be the fitting.
HUTCHBACK
No, because we've had different...
(trails off) we had new fittings
put in.
DR. NOSTRUM
What's that noise? (Makes a cross
between a creaking noise and a duck
call)
HUTCHBACK
No, because we had new fittings put
in and it's still the same problem.
And it happens with all the lights.
They all blow after fucking no
time.
DR. NOSTRUM
(humming)
Doo doo, doo doo doo doo. We should
have this on an hourly beep, then
we'd get three hour bits. Er, OK,
so, he's... What is that?
HUTCHBACK
It doesn't matter.
DR. NOSTRUM
OK.
HUTCHBACK
Just ignore it, it'll go away.
DR. NOSTRUM
Like I said, that's more stuff,
it's good, just, in his apartment
you've got like "What...
TOGETHER
"What is that?"
HUTCHBACK
(imitating script
character)
"Just ignore it we're trying to
write a fucking script."
DR. NOSTRUM
Mm. OK.
HUTCHBACK
More stuff.
DR. NOSTRUM
Er, (fast again) "He's been
irrelevant for at least twenty
years while he's pitching his film
bout how the commercial reaction to
the end of the counter-culture
signalled the death of the American
soul. In the pitch that opens his
introduction to the show the
response..." Um. "he gets
is...What?
Like Forrest Gump?" Something like
that, or some Americanism about
that.
HUTCHBACK
No, no the response should be:
"It's interesting Jack." What's his
name?
DR. NOSTRUM
Jack.
HUTCHBACK
Jack. "It's interesting, Jack, but
we've already got a Gump..." er, "a
Forrest Gump-ish project on the go
at the moment. We can't have..."
You know, that's how it... Forrest
Gump. "We've already got a Forrest
Gump on the go."
DR. NOSTRUM
"We've already got a Gump
project... in development."?
HUTCHBACK
Yep. Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
"We really want to work with you."
You know, whatever, "we really want
to work with you and we think we've
got the perfect thing." I mean I
like... that's what I was saying
about the reality of it, this is
what I think, at least for me and
you to enjoy doing this, is that
what is going on is nothing at all
like what really goes on, it's more
like a Seinfeld version of what
goes on...
HUTCHBACK
Yes.
DR. NOSTRUM
And I have a feeling that, this was
the thing about whatshername that,
her whole knowledge is great, but
she was saying "You write it
like..." you know, with all these
things that they know TV people get
and it's how the industry really
works, but I'm not interested in
that at all cause...
HUTCHBACK
No.
DR. NOSTRUM
... I think, you know, almost
nobody is apart from the people
that make it.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, but there's a lot of show's
like that.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, there are, that's what I'm
saying, to me it's, like, all that
stuff is very boring.
HUTCHBACK
The reason they get made is that
they're... they're...
DR. NOSTRUM
It's incestuous.
HUTCHBACK
No. Yes, they're appealing to the
vanity of the, er, the TV
executives.
DR. NOSTRUM
And this is what she was saying, is
that that's why they get made and
this can do that and I don't wan...
think that makes sense at all to
try and do that, but anyway...
so... that's... that's something
else. Erm, "We've already got a
Gump project in development...
HUTCHBACK
(sarcastically)
What does she know?
DR. NOSTRUM
... er, well... "We really want to
work with you Jack and we think
we've got the perfect project." I
mean it's not really enough, but I
suppose it's OK? You know? But do
you start, do you start...
HUTCHBACK
No, no, he has to give the punch
line.
DR. NOSTRUM
Which is?
HUTCHBACK
Yuu know... We've got Lindsey Lohan
lined up, erm...
DR. NOSTRUM
Dennis Rodman.
HUTCHBACK
And, um, you know, and, um, they'll
be in a house...
DR. NOSTRUM
I know the people, there's all
the... OK, ahh, god.
HUTCHBACK
They'll be in a house, but the
twist this time, is they're trying
to make a hit record.
DR. NOSTRUM
(typing)
"Lindsey...
HUTCHBACK
Lohan.
DR. NOSTRUM
What do they call Rodman, it's
something like A-jax or something
like that?
HUTCHBACK
A-rod.
DR. NOSTRUM
A-rod, OK, fine. "Lindsey, A-rod
and.
HUTCHBACK
No, why is it A-rod?
DR. NOSTRUM
He's not A-rod, that's the guy
Madonna's... he's a baseball
player, doesn't matter. "Lindsey, A
rod and..." er, there's another
one, Tyson... Tyson Beckford, he's
in all these shows, oh, er, "and
Sylvester's Mum."
HUTCHBACK
Sylvester's Mum...
DR. NOSTRUM
Cos we've seen her, which I
actually like the idea that she
would probably do any kind of show
that you put in front of her at
all.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
"Sylvester's Mum...
HUTCHBACK
You could probably even, we would
definitely get her on this show.
DR. NOSTRUM
"... are lined up for a..." OK
"Lindsey, A-rod and Sylvester's mum
are lined up for a..."
HUTCHBACK
"And we've got this beautiful
apartment in Malibu, but the twist
is, this time they're making a hit
record... for children" No.
DR. NOSTRUM
It's not... What would be just,
completely pointless? That they
would do? I don't know. Maybe. I'm
just not sure that that's how that
works, I think he sort of heads up
a department where ideas are
supposed to, you know "We need
someone to run a department to
bring in Reality projects" might be
enough?
You know, he could say "We've got a
thing", blah blah blah blah "and we
need someone to run a department to
bring in more project like that."
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
So, that would be more...
HUTCHBACK
And erm...
DR. NOSTRUM
So not only is he... He's not even
getting to direct, he's just an
off.. A pencil-pusher. In some way.
HUTCHBACK
No, OK, so he says "You want me to
produce a fucking Reality Show?"
"Well, not exactly produce"
DR. NOSTRUM
Alright.
HUTCHBACK
"What we need you to do is, there
are a lot of these ideas..." Yeah.
So it's basically like...
DR. NOSTRUM
OK "... lined up for a great..."
Er, well let's do this thing you
thought: Big Brother, but we're
gonna... there are gonna be live
wild animals...
HUTCHBACK
No, n-n-n-n-no no no,
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, cause that's one of their
shows.
HUTCHBACK
It can't be. It's got to be an
absolutely...
DR. NOSTRUM
Dull.
HUTCHBACK
Dull as, you know... OK. So,
they're on an island.
DR. NOSTRUM
OK, well, how about this: there's a
project where they all get taught
plumbing and they have to live the,
you know...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah. They're plumbers.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah
HUTCHBACK
Yeah! "Celebrity Plumber".
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. OK. So that's fine... "for a
great series where they have to be
plumbers." OK. Fine.
HUTCHBACK
Yes and each week they get voted
off by a panel of professional
plumbers. Their work gets assessed
by professional plumbers.
DR. NOSTRUM
OK. So, "Celebrity Plumber". That's
quite good, I quite like that. The
one I came up with I actually think
was not bad and probably will get
made. The one on that thing -
"Celebrity Speed Dating". I can
imagine someone will make that.
HUTCHBACK
Hmm.
DR. NOSTRUM
I mean it is a terrible idea that
you'd have to watch it, but I
imagine someone will make it.
HUTCHBACK
Well, my, er my idea was quite
good.
DR. NOSTRUM
Mm.
HUTCHBACK
I actually had a real idea for a
real reality TV show. Remember that
one I had with our freelance
visionary? Maybe we can use that?
DR. NOSTRUM
Which one was that?
HUTCHBACK
It's the dating one where each date
is like... basically, the guy has
to try and keep the date going, or
the girl, whichever one is the,
er...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah?
HUTCHBACK
... has to try and keep the date
going as long as possible and the
whole thing's set up to be a
complete disaster, like the waiters
are all actors...
DR. NOSTRUM
Ah. Yeah.
HUTCHBACK
... and they all do these crazy...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. But that's not a bad idea.
HUTCHBACK
... things and... yeah, it's not
actually a bad idea.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well what's the point of a
reasonable idea? We don't want any
reasonable ideas.
HUTCHBACK
No no no, I'm saying that that
was... So the timer starts and the
date starts and they have to keep
it going as long as possible.
DR. NOSTRUM
I understand, yeah. Yeah.
HUTCHBACK
You know, the waiter comes, spills
the...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, I get it.
HUTCHBACK
Spills the drink down her front.
DR. NOSTRUM
No. I get it. I get it. Anyway.
HUTCHBACK
(sarcastically)
I'm not sure you're really getting
it.
DR. NOSTRUM
I like it. I'm feeling it. Um,
actually, that should be there, she
says "I'm feeling it Jack.' That
would be better "I'm feeling it
Jack, but..."
HUTCHBACK
Entourage is what you're thinking
of.
DR. NOSTRUM
It is. Not that I've ever seen it.
OK. Er, "We really want to work
with you Jack, we've got the
perfect project. Lindsey, A-rod and
Sylvester's Mum are lined up...
HUTCHBACK
Oh. No, Sylvester.
DR. NOSTRUM
Sylvester?
HUTCHBACK
Let's put Sylvester in.
DR. NOSTRUM
OK that's even better. Sylvester.
That's great. "Are lined up..." He
thinks it's Stallone. "What?
Stallone?" "No."
HUTCHBACK
"No, no. The singer."
DR. NOSTRUM
Actually, we could interrupt there
so "Sylvester." "What, Stallone?"
OK. So...
HUTCHBACK
(imitating Green)
"Stallone?" And she's "No, no. The
Singer." (He chuckles away)
DR. NOSTRUM
OK. "... singer, are lined up for a
great series where Celebrities have
to be plumbers and every week the
public..." Oh, this is so boring,
"...the public votes one of them
off." "Celebrities are trained to
be plumbers" Is that better?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
OK.
HUTCHBACK
No. Celebritis have to set up...
Two celebrity... two... you have
rival... two rival celebrity camps
each running their own plumbing
business.
DR. NOSTRUM
(laughing)
OK. Oh, OK fine.
HUTCHBACK
There's the day to day... the day
to day...
DR. NOSTRUM
Tension.
HUTCHBACK
Tension and i, i, intrigue around
two rival plumbing businesses.
DR. NOSTRUM
OK. "Two rival celebrity camps have
to run their own...
HUTCHBACK
(laughing a lot)
Plumbing businesses.
That would be the worst reality
show ever. Actually it's probably
be alright.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well it's very current of course
isn't it? That's what I was
thinking of. I was thinking of Joe
The Plumber. So...
HUTCHBACK
(laughing)
Plumbing...
DR. NOSTRUM
So, er, "Every week the public
votes one member of each team off."
HUTCHBACK
Yes.
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, no, every week there's a
winning team and one member of
the...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
OK.
HUTCHBACK
And they're on an island. "And we
might put them on an..." "But we
might put them on an island."
DR. NOSTRUM
"We need to make more of it."
Something like that. I don't know,
it doesn't matter. "And every week
there's a winning team, and the
losing team..."
HUTCHBACK
I don't think you need to explain
too much about that.
DR. NOSTRUM
OK and you can basically, he, er...
HUTCHBACK
All you need to say is...
DR. NOSTRUM
Dot dot dot dot dot.
HUTCHBACK
Er, no, I don't think they should
go into any explanation or detail.
DR. NOSTRUM
OK.
HUTCHBACK
That's enough.
DR. NOSTRUM
Two rival celebrity camps have to
run their own plumbing business.
HUTCHBACK
No. "The twist is, this time their
running their own plumbing
businesses." As if that's kind of
the magic.
DR. NOSTRUM
OK. "Lined up for a great reality
series..."
HUTCHBACK
"And you want me to direct this?"
DR. NOSTRUM
OK, so...
HUTCHBACK
"Can I remind you I made..." and
then we need to come up with some
films.
DR. NOSTRUM
OK. I just want to... Well, we
might as well just name some great
films. Frankenheimer films.
HUTCHBACK
Well, no no no, let's get films
that sound like Frankenheimer
films.
DR. NOSTRUM
OK, well anyway "are lined up for a
great reality series with two rival
celebrity camps. The twist is..."
OK.
HUTCHBACK
Are you feeling it baby? I think
he's actually made something
recently.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well he made... what did he make?
Um, what was the one, "The
Manchurian Candidate" what can we
say there?
HUTCHBACK
OK, let's see, he made 'Black
Sunday', 'French Connection 2'
DR. NOSTRUM
Didn't he make Manchurian
Candidate? No he didn't.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, yeah, yeah he did.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.
HUTCHBACK
'Seven Days In May', 'Birdman Of
Alcatraz', 'Seconds' that's a great
film.
DR. NOSTRUM
What's that, imdb?
HUTCHBACK
Mm.
DR. NOSTRUM
Does it have his MTV Base stuff?
HUTCHBACK
(mockingly)
'Does it have his MTV Base stuff?"
He's not actually done anything in
the last 6 years.
DR. NOSTRUM
Hmm.
HUTCHBACK
He made 'Reindeer Games' in 2000.
Oh, he did Ronin. That's why I...
Fuck, that was over 10 years ago.
That must have done alright?
DR. NOSTRUM
Hmm. Mystery Girl said he can't get
work... So, he's like "You want me
to direct this?"
HUTCHBACK
"You want me to direct this piece
of shit?"
DR. NOSTRUM
I don't know if he'd do that. Cos
in some sense...
HUTCHBACK
No, cos he knows them...
DR. NOSTRUM
Really?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, they're like his...
they're... they're friends of his.
You know, this is why it makes it
so bad, it's like he's... you know,
they know him very well and...
DR. NOSTRUM
So?
HUTCHBACK
Because he's got... this guy's got,
um, principles.
DR. NOSTRUM
So we've got "Not really, we've got
a great YouTube, um, film-maker
lined up..."
HUTCHBACK
(laughing)
"A great YouTube film-maker!" um,
"No, we've got this kid off
YouTube" er "this YouTube kid who's
very hot at the moment. He's taking
the helm on this one."
DR. NOSTRUM
OK
HUTCHBACK
"But we need, er, we need an
experienced guy like you..."
DR. NOSTRUM
"But we need a visionary like
you..."
HUTCHBACK
"We need a visionary!"
DR. NOSTRUM
"To head up the Reality
department." How's that?
HUTCHBACK
I don't know, it sounds a bit
grand. Grandiose.
DR. NOSTRUM
It's alright for pitching. He (Rat)
might change it.
HUTCHBACK
No, no. I think his job should
sound worse.
DR. NOSTRUM
Er, "We need someone to get the
idea in for The Reality Department"
HUTCHBACK
He's just doing development. "We
need a guy..."
DR. NOSTRUM
OK. "We need a visionary to..."
HUTCHBACK
"to be on the ground finding these
things."
DR. NOSTRUM
"be on the ground finding the
things for these new hot kids."
HUTCHBACK
"for these hot kids to knock out
the park."
DR. NOSTRUM
OK. That's good...(types away).
Imagine if this is what TV writing
is. Oh boy. OK.
HUTCHBACK
Well it is. It's people sitting in
a room, writing.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, yeah, but they're getting
paid for it. You know.
HUTCHBACK
One day... maybe we will.
DR. NOSTRUM
Maybe.
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