But I very much doubt it.
Yeah. Um. OK. So is that enough?
That's enough. And then you've just
got, you know, Jack's face hardens
or something like that.
No, that's it, it cuts to him back
Because he's saying... he's telling
his wife he's told them to go screw
themselves and then she says... She
makes him do it basically.
He doesn't want to do it, she makes
him do it.
"Back at home with the fourth
trophy wife planning the barmitzvah
to end all barmitzvah's"
And she's just got the bill for the
No, she has to get the plastic
surgery done before the barmitzvah.
Yeah, course she does, but...
(imitating Jewish whine)
"I got the plastic surgery, the
barmitzvah's coming up..."
That was too Jewish. I think she's
a WASP is the thing. That's why I
like it. Is that she's an absolute
dyed straight in the wool blue eyed
blonde haired WASP.
Oh yeah, that's it.
SO, that's good, "she's a blue eyed
blonde haired fourth trophy wife
WASP planning the barmitzvah to end
all barmitzvah's"... Cut to him
back at home... "blue eyed... end
all barmitzvah's for Jack's...
hideous son" can we say that?
"hideous ungrateful son"
No, there's too much fat. It
"Hideous ungrateful son..." um, so
he's ranting? Is he ranting? He's
ranting about the meeting and who
do they think he is etcetera."Etc.
She reels off all the costs coming
up including her plastic surgery
tweaks before meeting the Rabbi and
forces him to take the job." OK?
OK. So that's him. Jimmy. See I
thought we had a good thing with
Jimmy anyway, what we see is the
lovely house and the film star
picking him up in the car outside
the lovely house and driving him
off home, which is whatever clinic
it was. "Jimmy comes out.." OK.
"comes out of the front door of a
gorgeous mansion house (huge burp)
with a suitcase in hand where he's
picked up by a gorgeous film star
leading lady in a convertible... in
a sixties convertible Ferrari." OK.
God, and it capitalises Ferrari for
you. Imagine the work that goes
into that. You have to think about
that: it capitalises Ferrari for
Someone's gotta do it. It's just a
database. Um, we should call it...
Call what? The home?
No, no, the film we referred to, is
going to be called 'The
No, no I'm not... i'm just... it
has to be clear that it is someone
What can we call it? We can call
It's 'The Mongolian Aspirant'
Could we do something cleverer than
that? Like Kazakh or something, I
don't know. 'The Iraqist' or
something, I don't know. No.
No it's gotta be something really
The Mongolian... OK. 'The Mongolian
Aspirant'. What did America ever do
It had nothing to do with
No. I know that, it's just I like
the idea of the... Alright
'Aspirant' I like 'Aspirant'.
Doesn't matter, that's fine.
They were never... None of the film
was in Manchuria.
It was a codename for the thing...
It was set in Vietnam. Well, bits
of it were in Vietnam.
OK. Um. It's gonna correct my
bloody grammar now. Look at that
it's even asking me if I want it to
stop automatically correcting... I
don't care. They don't give you
that option do they? "I don't
"Fuck off" "Go fuck yourself"
OK. So, "Jimmy comes out of the
front door of a gorgeous mansion
house, suitcase in hand and is
picked up" er "by a beautiful film
"kisses him on the cheek... the
girl picks up his bag, puts it in
the boot. He looks like he's a man
of... he's got gorgeous women at
his feet" and then and then and
then and then "they drive off...
beautiful sunny day..."
"and she starts telling him about
her latest film"
No no, she just...
No. And then she says "Are you sure
you've got all your meds Jimmy?"
And then he starts kind of...
"...have you got your
Hutchback makes noises of a crazed person that needs meds.
DR. NOSTRUM (CONT'D)
"...and puts it in the trunk. They
drive off. She tuns to him and
Or, No. She says "Honey we need to
go pick up your meds now."
What? OK. She could say "Did they
give you your prescription?"
"Have you got your prescription, we
need to go and pick up your meds
"Did they give you your script?" Is
what they call it.
OK. "Did they give you your
"Did they..." Which is quite
interesting that they say that "Did
they give you your script?" Is
Oh. "Have you got the script?"
Yeah. No, well, they say do you
have your script.
No, I know, but she could say "have
you got your script"
Because of it's double meaning.
Yeah I know, that's what I'm
"Have you got the script?"
Hang on. "... script? He fishes in
He fishes in his case.
Well, whatever. His pockets, he
fishes in his pockets.
And she says "What..." no, she says
"So what is it this time?" And he
starts reading, um, reading out the
list of drugs that he's... So you
don't actually see him, you don't
see what he's holding, he just
starts reading out a list of drugs
that he needs.
Well, I need to have my forty
milligrams of... diazepam, um..."
OK. So "Have you got the script?
What is it?" And then...
"What is it this time?"
OK. So you say we're not looking at
him we just hear...
She's just driving, she's talking
And then he starts reading out the,
er... That's nice.
I don't think we should judge it.
Anyway, it just is, something. Er,
"Jimmy starts reading out a list of
prescription, er, a list of drugs,
of prescription drugs that goes on
for about thirty seconds." OK?
And she says "OK. Honey, we'll stop
on the way." And then we can have
some conversation, so what have you
been up to. I don't know if we can
do this rigth away but I like the
idea, she says, "Oh, I've got to go
back into rehearsals with my
Tourette..." um "I've gotta go back
into the Shakespeare rehearsals."
So we don't mention what it is. Cos
I like the idea of her cause
Oh, her cause.
Being, you know...
Oh, no that comes in later.
No, but what I'm saying, tom
mention what she's been up to "I've
gotta go back into rehearsals for
"For my group"
I don't know. I don't think you
have to say what it is at all.
"Shakespeare." "Shakespeare group."
Then you find out it's the...
(finding their own idea absurd)
Nostrum chuckles like Muttley.
No, no, she's not in rehearsals
with them, she's, she's the, er,
No, no. No no no no no. No. She's
the, er... Fuck. What are they
I don't know.
The, um... When someone is the,
um... Benefactor! She's the
Well, yeah. I mean we don't know
what she is, I'm just saying she
If he says "What have you been up
to?" She would say, "Oh, I've got
to go back to rehearsals..."
"with the Shakespeare group."
"for the Shakespeare group." Or
something like that. OK... So. It's
like "we're on in..." er "we're
on..." "They're on in a few nights"
Oh, "They're on on Thursday" it
doesn't matter. "They're on on
Thursday and I've got to get them,
I've got to get the drive of
the..." What have you got to get?
If you were doing a play? Just a
serious play, what would be going
on? I remember Griff Rhys Jones was
talking about this, he was
directing this play and it was
terrible and he was desperately
trying to get them to do something
and I couldn't remember what he was
saying. "I've got to get..." he was
trying to get something across,
through the play, to the audience,
which the people playing it just
couldn't do, they were rubbish and
it was driving him nuts. Um. Did
you see that thing, on Anger, that
he did? It's quite funny cos, ooh,
he's angry and he did this thing
about anger and all the problems
he's had with anger and at some
point he's sitting in front of a
guy there saying "So what's your
regular day?" And he says "I get up
and..." do this that and another
and he says "do you drink any
coffee?" And he says "oh, maybe 8
cups in the morning." A minimum...
What is the thing with the... I've
got to get the, the... it's
something intangible about a play
and I can't remember what it is.
"They're on on Thursday and I've
got to get... gotta get through..."
Lots of typing and deleting ensues.
DR. NOSTRUM (CONT'D)
OK. So is it worth sayong what we
don't know? I suppose so, cos we're
just writing a premise, so we're
fine, so, you know. So, Jimmy... so
then we'll just say who they are.
"Jimmy is the nervous,
reclusive..." No, he's not
reclusive cos he goes to the
parties. What do you call those
people who are...
"Socially retarded" er, "little
brother of an Angelina type..."
I think she's too... something. I
think we should think of someone
Hilary Duff? It doesn't matter, I
don't know any of these people,
so.. Angelina type.
No, she's way too famous.
I think this girl should be
incredibly famous, that's why his
life is such a misery, cos all
anyone does, it's what we were
saying, all anyone does is try to
use him to get to her. That's all
that happens in his life.
No, but I think someone like that
would be way too famous to be got
I think people always try, do you
not think? I don't know.
No, I would say that only when
someone is gettable do people try
and get them. She's clearly... ut's
someone who's a big, but rising
star, rather than a very
established figure, somehow. Cos we
can make anybody like that up.
Alright, so, er, what's, um, what's
the girl who was in Sin City?
Oh no, I know who it could be. A
Mischa Barton type.
OK. Yeah. OK, fine. She's an
... so that's fine. OK. "All
anybody has ever talked to him
about since she became famous..."
Is he the big brother or the little
brother? Doesn't matter, who cares,
"since she became famous... is
her... and everybody... who
meets... asks him about her at some
point or other... so he has been
unable... to create his own life...
and has suffered every moment of
her fame." OK. I wonder what it is
that brings him out of himself when
he's with Zack? That's the thing.
Not sure what that would be, why
would that be, you know?
Well, he just, for some weird
reason, likes him.
Cos I think it has to be Zack,
whatever Zack is...
Oh, they know each other! They're
They went to the same school?
They're old friends.
Were they not friends to begin
I don't remember.
Yeah, yeah, they're old friends.
I really don't remember. OK. Cos I
think the thing is, you know, we
think, with Zack wanting to be in
TV, when he does see Jimmy again,
he is thinking to get to the
But he plays an incredibly long and
... you know, which he has no idea
about doing that and Jimmy warms to
"... at some point or other,
within..." so "within half an hour
of meeting him." OK.
Oh, OK, so it could be the fact,
the very fact that actually Zack
knows who he is...
... already, so he doesn't have to
say his name and Zack doesn't ask
about his sister.
OK. That'll do. That's fine. Er,
"... every moment of her fame..."
And that actually makes his own
intentions... makes him all the
Who? Zack? Yeah, oh yeah, he's...
It make him worse in fact.
Cos basically they were really
good... Ok, you know, he can... he
can be... ok this is quite good...
OK, so we'll say that. "He and
He can... Basically they were
really good friends up until the
time that he was 17, he had a
breakdown and then he basically
disappeared out of his life. He
went and joined a religious cult
and disappeared out of his life and
he hasn't seen him since.
(laughing) Cos basically that's
what happened with Hyman Hearn (an
old 'friend' of Hutchback').
OK. "We don't know that he and Zack
were really good friends up until
they were 17, when Jimmy..."
Had a nervous breakdown... a drug
induced nervous breakdown and
joined a religious cult.
"... had his first" OK "... had his
first drug induced nervous
breakdown..." I like the postman
stuff as well, that was quite good
(referring to Hyman Hearn) he could
do that, what he did there, burning
people's letters, you know, on the
way. Just... that could be a story.
"... nervous breakdown and
And actually he'd always been a bit
of a, kind of victim in their gang
anyway, in their group of friends
So actually that's what it is, Zack
still holds power over him, still
has a hold over him, from when they
were kids. Cos he was always trying
to live up to him and impress him
OK. So, er, what should we call the
I think that's quite good cos it
makes their relationship much more
interesting than it was before.
That they've always known each
Yeah, well, just the fact that
there's this unresolved shit from
their past as well. But we don't
have to be explicit about it at
all, it can come through.
Yeah. OK "... he had always been a
bit of a victim in the group of
friends... er, group of school
friends they belonged to as they
grew up." OK.
High School friends.
"... group of high school... they
belonged to" Loner, we can call
them loner high school friends,
Mm-hmm. (thinks) No.
Not really, kind of out...
You know, outcast.
Outcast, OK, yeah. Druggie outcast?
No, we'll leave that. OK. So, er,
we'll call the girl... Whatever...
Ella? I don't know, Henna. Henna! I
think is a good name.
OK. "Henna drops off Jimmy with a
scene "I'll see you later." So that
could be a party, they could all
end up at the same party cos she's
gonna grab him and take him out
even though he's like this..." OK.
That's fine. "... drops off Jimmy
with an 'I'll see you later'" So
now that's enough. I think that's
enough of this kind of in-depth
stuff, I think we can just say,
they meet later at the party and
we'll have to go into this whole
thing and it's gonna take another
two and a half hours to do and, er,
it's a bit of a pain, but then,
um... do you want to do any more?
Yeah, we can do another hour. Then
I'll see you later... So that's our
See you next time, as they say.
It's a bit of a see you next time.
Any results yet?
No. Nil-nil. Hull are nil-nil. In
fact looking out for Hull results
is a bit surreal, but there you go.
I think I'll make a note in there
saying, once we get to it, saying
all of Jimmy and Zack's
conversations are punctuated by
random rants about...
No, random digressions into the
trivial... into the meaningless
triviality of everyday life.
"Jimmy and Zack's conversations...
conversations and writing
sessions." No, not writing
sessions, what are they called...
"... and brainstorming sessions..."
This was... this was a great... did
you hear this story about the
pollster in the election last week?
"Last week Julia Hensley made one
the thousands of phone calls on
behalf of Barack Obama. A woman
answered. As Hensley ran through
her short script the husband
impatiently broke in "Ma-am, we're
voting for the Nigger." And hung
What? I don't understand, who's
She's a pollster. They call up
Is it a TV thing?
No, this is real.
No, but that's what I'm saying, how
did anyone hear that, did she
She reported it. "Ma-am, we're
voting for the Nigger."
I like the, um, have you ever seen
the Diddy Blogs?
I wouldn't normally think to do it
but he's very funny. P. Diddy has a
series of blogs supporting Obama.
We'll look at one. If you look up
"Diddy Blog about 'That One'" I
think it's number 26, they're only
like 2 minutes or something like
Yeah, yeah, he's very funny, he
really is very funny. I mean I
don't know if their paying him or
something but he's trying to get
all young black people... all young
(has looked it up)
They're not really blogs. They're
Well why are they called blogs?
Random P. Diddy blog plays in the background.
DR. NOSTRUM (CONT'D)
No, not that one, just look up the
one about... Actually there's one
about Sarah Palin, is that the one
with the most views.
Sarah Palin. Sarah Palin. She
scares me. She really scares me.
Look at this boys and girls, watch
When it comes to establishing your
world view, I was curious, what
newspapers and magazines did you
regularly read before you were
tapped for this, to stay informed
and to understand the world.
I read most of them again with a
great appreciation for the press,
for the, er...
What ones specifically, I'm
curious, did you read.
Oh, um, any of them that have been
in front of me over all these
One of them?
... I have a vast variety of
sources where we get our news.
Alaska isn't a foreign country
where it's kind of suggested it
seems like, wow, how can you keep
in touch with the rest of what
Washington D.C. may be thinking and
doing when you live up there in
Alaska. Believe me Alaska is like a
microcosm of America...
(pants fearfully and
Boys and Girls, Boys and Girls, did
you hear her? Did you... I'm
scared, she scares me. She scares
me... She's worse than the
Boogeyman. Sarah Palin, you scare
me. You could become the President
of the United States... you... did
you hear her answer to the
question? Did you hear her... John
McCain's 72! Sarah Palin could be
the President! Boys and Girls
don't, please I beg you...
I'm not coming out the covers, I'm
staying underneath the covers,
we're safe underneath the covers.
Sarah Palin can't... If I stay
underneath the covers she won't
become President. You gotta vote...
One of them... You gotta be
registered! (more like this, with
It's not what you expect from
him... it's quite funny.
Diddy blog number 27. John McCain
scares me even more than Sarah
Palin. Look at this Boys and Girls.
Have you seen this?
Yeah, yeah, I've seen it.
A John McCain campaign video plays.
It was an energy bill before the
senate loaded down with goodies,
billions for the oil companies and
it was sponsored by Bush and
Cheney. You Know who voted for it?
(a picture of Obama is cued behind
McCain) Might never know. That one.
You know who voted against it? Me.
"That one?" Yo, no, hold on I gotta
hear this again, did he just say
Video is played again and stays on a loop under Diddy
P. DIDDY (CONT'D)
No. No, this is 2008, not 1962! OK.
OK. I mean come on man, come on, He
said "That one." He referred to a
greying man as "That one." A man
that has worked hard, that has done
the impossible, that has fought for
every amount of respect that he
You are running for the President
of the Unites States and you are
referring to another man as "That
one. Now, now these blogs are
dangerous, I could say something
real crazy about the "That one"
right now, but I'm not. I'm go'an
let the people decide. I wanta know
how the people feel about you
saying... you callin... referring
to Obama as "That one." We will see
you November fourth at the polls.
Tha's not, tha's not right man
"That one." I'm going to the polls
(note - after the Obama victory there were no more political
Diddy blogs, not even a celebratory one in the days that
There's a really good, um, where is
it? Did you see the clip of McCain
totally fucking up a speech
I think you may have noticed
Have you seen this one? This is
I think you may have noticed that
senator Obama supporters have been
saying some pretty nasty things
about Western Pennsylvania lately
(crowd boos and hisses) and you
know, I couldn't agree with him
Hutchback starts laughing. Increasing laughter drowns out
McCain's attempted recovery.
JOHN MCCAIN (CONT'D)
I couldn't disagree with you. I
couldn't agree with you more than
the fact that Western Pennsylvania
is the most patriotic, most f...
god loving, most patriotic part of
I've got to watch that again.
That's very again.
I couldn't agree with him more.
Oh Fuck. Oh, this is good as well,
this is very good.
... Housing prices are flat or
declining and Americans have lost
their homes or are in danger of
losing them. A credit cunt...
crunch... is making business loans
harder to get...
A credit cunt
Is that Howard Stern
A credit cunt! But he's said it so
many times, there's so many to
choose from. Brilliant.
He's going to lose this cos of
Cue montage of McCain Gaffes.
Is the water boiling or is it not?
Hang on a minute, I'll get rid of
Have you seen the Bush one about,
um, my very favorite was, er, fish
Fish and humans can live together
Fish and humans can coexist
peacefully. Something like that.
I've never seen the full context
but I can't understand what he
could have been talking about. I
can't imagine what.
Maybe he was talking about the cod
What other things have we talked
about that you know are an easily
summarisable comedy digression? So
if you say something like "dog
cream pies" what would be another
thing, um, like that? Oh, er, well
they don't do it in America it
doesn't matter, "The Bol-locks"
we'll have to find another way,
there would have to be some
implement that was, oh, mole grips
and... no, they wouldn't have that
either. Oh, it doesn't matter. They
do have monkey wrenches.
Mm. The mole grip monkey wrench
They don't have mongers do they?
No, there's no mongers in America
Well, but there's no fishmonger
No, I don't think they do.
No, I don't think they do anything
like that. I'm not sure. I'll write
it anyway. "Iron..."
We don't need this stuff, it's
just... they're just jokes.
No, I know, but I'm just putting in
a thing, "All of Jimmy's con... all
of Jimmy and Zack's conversations
and brainstorming sessions are
punctuated by ridiculous comedy...
... that's all it is.
Irrelevant digressions. Into the
obscure minutiae of his life.
That's easy to write. All you have
to do is turn on a tape recorder
and go out.
Hutchback goes to the kitchen.
I'm saying, that's easy to write.
Easy to write. Cos all you have to
do is just turn on your tape
recorder and walk out your front
Do you want more tea?
Yeah, sure one more tea before
going back up to the castle.
Noises like the passing by of a steam train ensue for several
DR. NOSTRUM (CONT'D)
I think we should also try,
somehow, to tie into this horrible
modern, modern day awfulness of the
fact that everything has now become
'content'. Content. Content content
I don't know.
Nothing... no-one makes art... no
one makes like... it's not called
TV or Film anymore in the industry,
it's called content.
Is it? Do you know this? I don't
Yeah, yeah, because it's all about
how you, kind of, re-sell the same
stuff multiple times in different
formats, you know, er, on, er, you
know all this mobile phones and,
er, iPod's you know and it's all
about, you know, just terrible
Ah, so we're doing what John
Frankenheimer can't sell.
Yes. No no no. What I mean is that,
um, we should perhaps bring in some
kind of references to, um, new, um,
"References the absence of content
in New Media" No. "The absence..."
No, the fact that what used to be
something, possibly, high minded,
is just about getting content,
selling content to people. So
that's like his...
So it's the abs... Oh, no, you know
what it... I know what they call
it, the call it anti
So that's what it is, it's the anti
intellectualization of media.
Yeah. So that's what's good about
Green's position now, is that all
he is is about selling content.
So his job is actually, is not
really even about making anything,
it's about selling it to, you know,
mobile phone companies and, you
know, straight to video garbage,
straight to DVD, blu-ray garbage.
So part of the drive of this show
references the anti-intellectualism
of today's media and the sole
preoccupation with providing
With selling content. To dumb
Of selling cross platform content.
Fuckin 'ell, no wonder no-one gets
a job... "content... this becomes
Green's personal hell, which he
plots against." This becomes
Green's personal hell which...
"Which drives his plot to bring
about it's downfall." Yeah?
OK. Blimey, what boring shit that
is. See, the other side of this
show is, which I should also put,
is, whilst doing this we are also
going to be auditioning in reality
on YouTube for people to take part
in the show ideas that we come up
with. (To a puzzled Hutchback in
the kitchen) Maggots?
No. My earplugs have melted.
Oh. In your kettle?
How did that happen? I had those
Yeah yeah yeah.
Nah, this was a thing I thought of
suddenly talking to Rat, when I met
him, is that all these things we
come up with for Jimmy and Zack's
shows, we should actually audition
for them on YouTube, for people
that, you know, to see who comes
back to you and we could do this as
part of the series at the same time
as writing the series.
Life imitating at imitating art
imitating life imitating art
imitating life imitating art and so
"All of the ludicrous...
And so on forever
"... ideas pitched by Jimmy and
Zack and developed by Green should
be auditioned for on today's
YouTube in reality."