DR. NOSTRUM
Oh Boy.
HUTCHBACK
(beat)
Not more of this! Why do they do
this, The Guardian?
DR. NOSTRUM
Is it the universe again?
HUTCHBACK
Why does everything do this? "A
Thousand 'X's To See Before You
Die."
DR. NOSTRUM
What?
HUTCHBACK
"A Thousand 'X's to 'X' before you
die."
DR. NOSTRUM
Like ex-wives?
HUTCHBACK
No, no, no. A thousand "things"...
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, right.
HUTCHBACK
... or "thing" before you die...
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, yeah.
HUTCHBACK
... and you can replace "thing"
with anything.
DR. NOSTRUM
Anything? So it's a thousand
"anythings"...
HUTCHBACK
No. This one's "A Thousand
'Artworks' To See Before You Die."
As if people need to see an artwork
before they die.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, A thousand is a lot Isn't it,
really?
HUTCHBACK
It's a hell of a lot.
DR. NOSTRUM
It used to be a hundred. It's
another example of inflationary
thinking, just this idea that you
can do, you know, a thousand
things. Imagine doing a thousand
important things in your life. Be
lucky to do one. Have you seen 'em
all? I guess you can just look at
'em all online.
HUTCHBACK
No. Yes, I suppose that is the
problem. Well, I've seen the second
one on the list. They haven't put
them in order because they don;t
want to appear to be dic..
dictating the, the, the...
DR. NOSTRUM
Value.
HUTCHBACK
... the, um,
DR. NOSTRUM
The value of some...
HUTCHBACK
No, the, um, what's it called?
DR. NOSTRUM
I don't know. (pause) Quality?
HUTCHBACK
No. No, they don't want to be
falling into the whole canonical
sort of, er, sort of mainstream by
saying "these are the top ten
greatest artworks of all time".
It's a sort of anti-list list.
DR. NOSTRUM
It probably used to be "Top Ten"
didn't it? And now, now it's "One
Thousand"
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, but it's sort of an
annoyingly egalitarian way to talk
about it. I think. Why not just say
"These are the twenty you need to
see, the rest are quite good, but
you won't die, sort of regretting
having seen them." (sarcastically)
As if that's likely to be the case.
As if that's likely to be what
you're thinking whilst you're
dying...
DR. NOSTRUM
I wish I'd seen...
HUTCHBACK
... "Fuck, I wish I'd seen that
Titian!"
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, you know what Gielgud said on
his deathbed? I can't imagine that
he did, but he might have done, He
said, asked did he have any regrets
"Yes, I wish I'd had more sex."
That's not bad.
HUTCHBACK
That's not bad, no. I'd like to get
to the point where you think,
"Well, that's enough sex, it's far
too much effort." I like the fact
that I don't have a sex drive any
more... It's very annoying when
you're twenty.
DR. NOSTRUM
(overlapping, quips)
And so does your wife.
HUTCHBACK
... yeah. (laughs) take my wife.
(beat - back to the art anti-list)
Oh, I do like that one though.
DR. NOSTRUM
What? A piece of Artwork?
HUTCHBACK
Erm, this thing here that they've
only got a small picture of.
Maurizio Catalan, 'The Ninth Hour'
It's a great sculpture.
DR. NOSTRUM
Where is it?
HUTCHBACK
Where is it? (looking) They don't
really say where they are.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, how are you s'posed to see
them?
HUTCHBACK
You must have seen this before? It
is a very good sculpture.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, I've never seen it.
HUTCHBACK
You've never see that, The Pope
struck down by a meteorite?
DR. NOSTRUM
It's good. It's one of those 'real'
one's yeah?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Or is it miniature?
HUTCHBACK
No, no, it's big. You see, there's
not enough jokes, there's not
enough comedy in Art, that's the
problem.
DR. NOSTRUM
No.
HUTCHBACK
It's all far too serious.
DR. NOSTRUM
A bit po faced.
HUTCHBACK
Oh, I went to 'Frieze'. God, it was
annoying. Was it annoying last time
or did we enjoy it? We laughed a
lot didn't we?
DR. NOSTRUM
Mrs. Nostrum didn't enjoy it, it
was all a bit of a hassle and you
don't see much quality.
HUTCHBACK
Yes. Which is a good description of
life in general. Not much quality,
but a lot of aggravation.
DR. NOSTRUM
She had another wonderful
accidental description of
behaviour. I was making something,
or I bought something new and asked
her "Would you like to try it?" she
said "No, I don't want to try it in
case I don't like it." Which I
think is a fabulous catch-all
description of a certain type of
existence. (pause) Well, did you
see anything that you would buy?
HUTCHBACK
Erm.
DR. NOSTRUM
Or you would want on your walls?
HUTCHBACK
God, no. Wouldn't have any of that
shite on my walls, any of that god
awful tat. (beat) Twenty-two
minutes.
DR. NOSTRUM
Of what?
We never find out, they eat and mumble through their food.
Then...
HUTCHBACK
Do you want a knife?
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.
HUTCHBACK
Cos those turkey bits are quite
wiry.
DR. NOSTRUM
And they've also got bit of gristle
in them.
Hmm, that was a really good thing
someone attributed to, um, that
fella who was married to Madonna, a
quote more observant than any of
his films, was that when they did
get to, er, close, he said "it was
like cuddling a piece of gristle."
HUTCHBACK
Hmm, I can see that.
DR. NOSTRUM
And his mum said the most fabulous
thing, so fabulously English and
posh, she said "He knew what he was
getting into, but what do you
expect when you deal with that end
of the market?"
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, I mean, I was always quite
surprised by that, that union. What
di she see in him? And likewise,
what did he see in her?
DR. NOSTRUM
Well...
HUTCHBACK
Money.
DR. NOSTRUM
That's what she suggested, but then
his family's very wealthy, so...?
HUTCHBACK
Okay, she was buying into this...
Manor, English country Manor.
DR. NOSTRUM
She was a stranger in a strange
land. I can't imagine dinner, the
family dinner's if that's what his
mum was thinking I can't imagine
the family was anything but very...
bony.
HUTCHBACK
Of course.
DR. NOSTRUM
Sharing a good laugh with Madonna
about the irony of her latest
single. A woman entirely without
irony I think.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah. Well you've got to be, you
know, cold eyed... a cold eyed
killer to get where she's got.
DR. NOSTRUM
Or a secret paedophile.
HUTCHBACK
Yes.
DR. NOSTRUM
One or the other. (beat - on to the
food) It's alright isn't it, out of
a jar? If that was thinner, or
thicker.
HUTCHBACK
No, it's good!
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.
HUTCHBACK
Who makes it?
DR. NOSTRUM
Er, I think it's the British Curry
Club.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah. I mean it would take a good
hour to make curry sauce that's
better than that, so it's
definitely a.. boon.
DR. NOSTRUM
Cos it's a Vindaloo that's just,
sort of, sour. Like you said that's
it's s'posed to be.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
I've never had one, but... I guess
Vindaloo add water is a Pathia,
just add water and gradually dilute
it and add more tomatoes and
onions.
HUTCHBACK
(scathingly)
You don't "just add water". You add
more onions, you put in less
chilli.
DR. NOSTRUM
(referring to the meal)
Not an overly complex cuisine is
it? Real thing's pointlessly,
needlessly complex when you can buy
it in a jar. What are they doing
all these chefs? I like the idea of
companies that sell us tap water,
filtered tap water.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, at least it's honest.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well it wasn't. You know Dasani...
HUTCHBACK
Well, yeah, yeah, but the one's
that actually tell you that it's
tap water.
DR. NOSTRUM
Amusingly, everywhere you go in
Nashville, "Would you like Dasani?"
It's not, "Would you like water?
HUTCHBACK
Just turn on the tap...
DR. NOSTRUM
Out comes Dasani.
HUTCHBACK
Hot and cold running Dasani. In
every house.
DR. NOSTRUM
And the benefit is it's all
drinkable. I guess in the far
future...
HUTCHBACK
They don't call it rain anymore.
"Dasani light"
DR. NOSTRUM
That wouldn't be a bad advert: A
man struggling through the desert
"Dasani! Dasani!"
They polish off the remainder of their plates, then...
HUTCHBACK
Right. I have to go and buy a
spanner.
DR. NOSTRUM
What?
HUTCHBACK
I have to go and buy a spanner. So,
we have to drive and record.
DR. NOSTRUM
Okay.
HUTCHBACK
En route.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, that's alright. You don't
have a spanner in the house? What
about pliers?
HUTCHBACK
Not a spanner, I need a... what are
those things called? A monkey
wren.. Not a monkey wrench, what
are those things called?
DR. NOSTRUM
I don't know what 'the thing' is?
HUTCHBACK
An adjustable spanner.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well why don't you just get one the
right size?
HUTCHBACK
Because I don't know what the size
is. And I want to get one that can
do...
and it's not for a bolt, it's for a
shower head. It's completely...
DR. NOSTRUM
Seized up.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Have you tried, um, putting
limescale all over it? Have you
tried that first, cos that's the
simplest thing you can do. Instead
of buying a spanner, is to buy
Viakal. Just pour Viakal all over
it, leave it for twenty minutes,
then open it. I mean, if you don't
have an adjustable spanner and you
desperately need one...
HUTCHBACK
Well, you know, a trip to the, um,
to Bee and Queue might give us
plenty of things which, you know,
would be quite superior.
DR. NOSTRUM
How long have we got today, to come
up with anything useful? Because by
the end of today we should at least
have the opening to this...
Synopsis. Cos I like the idea that
there's a different way to write,
which is by people who don't write.
And therefore you just put down on
the page what you think is funny.
HUTCHBACK
Isn't that how...
DR. NOSTRUM
No, I don't think it is cos the guy
was telling me cos I said "Well,
how do you do this?" And he said,
"Well, there's a good book by
William Goldman," who wrote plenty
of stuff, and I said - there's a
good thing we could put in - "What,
who wrote Lord Of The Flies?"
Coming from a writer, that's quite
good. He said, "No, that's William
Golding." He had to put me right.
So now, when I mention to him...
HUTCHBACK
"There's a good book by William
Goldman." "What, you mean the guy
from Six Million Dollar Man?" "No,
that's Oscar Goldman"
DR. NOSTRUM
This stuff, there's nothing we can
do but write this stuff. So anyway,
I've ordered it online.
HUTCHBACK
But what? How long's that going to
be?
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, he just set down... it lays
out... He's written loads of books,
which aren't his books or
screenplays, but just about how you
lay out screenplays and he says
they're still very apt for how
Hollywood likes to see things. Cos
he's thinking Hollywood, he's not
thinking Britain at all.
Hutchback chokes with laughter.
HUTCHBACK
Of course.
DR. NOSTRUM
That's what I've been saying to
you, that where we're headed, I
hope, is to recreate the Seinfeld
scene, where you know... but
unfortunately we're both George,
that's the trouble.
HUTCHBACK
There isn't the talented one,
there's just the other one.
DR. NOSTRUM
I like the idea of keeping on going
to the point where you have to ask
your work for, what are they
called? A sabb...
HUTCHBACK
A sabbatical.
DR. NOSTRUM
... to, er, write a TV series.
HUTCHBACK
(sarcastically)
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
From an advance from, er, Mad TV.
"What's it about?" "Can't tell
you." (beat) I went to this place
called, um, I don't know, something
Elephant. It's got really good,
um... mailshots, they're quite
good, that come through the door,
with great quotes from respected
food writers about how great this
thing... and I went there and
bought some, it's just a kitchen,
like the one you've got round the
corner.
HUTCHBACK
Mm.
DR. NOSTRUM
And it was all just...
HUTCHBACK
Was it Camden?
DR. NOSTRUM
There are a few, there's a couple
of them, can't remember what
they're called... The Mad
Elephant...
HUTCHBACK
The Praying Elephant?
DR. NOSTRUM
I don't know, something Elephant,
but, um, It's just, It just tastes
like salt. Salt with a layer of
onions. Just about edible, but I
would never have it again.
HUTCHBACK
Mm.
DR. NOSTRUM
And the mixed tandoori ame in a
nice deep dish and I thought "Oh,
that's good." except, that much
from the bottom of the dish
(indicates a few millimeters) was
onions. So. They know what they're
doing with these mailshots.
HUTCHBACK
Mm, and who were these dubious food
writers?
DR. NOSTRUM
I don't know, just people like, um,
there's the Time Out review, er,
er, The Evening Standard review,
but htey must have all been, you
know, off one particular location,
off one particular chef, cos it's
the same flyer for all location but
I obviously didn't go to the one
that was written about. So there's
a good one out there somewhere "The
best Indian take-away I've ever
tasted in my life".
HUTCHBACK
They probably just made the whole
thing up.
DR. NOSTRUM
Mm. But it was very well done, so
you know, I fell for it. If you do
it well enough... people come. Have
you got Viakal?
HUTCHBACK
No.
DR. NOSTRUM
Anything? Any de-scaler or anything
like? Cos whilst we're going out...
HUTCHBACK
No. No, I don't.
DR. NOSTRUM
Cos that's probably, that's all
that's happened, it's just seized
up with the limescale.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah I'm sure. We have cake... for
later.
DR. NOSTRUM
I thought you were suggesting we
put that on the shower. No, I
haven't got Viakal, I've got cake.
They finally have polished off the meal.
HUTCHBACK
That was very nice, thank you.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, it's all right isn't it?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
So have you been wii-fitting?
HUTCHBACK
Um, no, I just use it to weigh
myself. It's just a very expensive
scales.
DR. NOSTRUM
One in which you have no concept of
whether it's accurate or not.
HUTCHBACK
No, no, no it's totally accurate.
It's a lot more accurate than the
set of scales we've got, that
varies by three pounds from one day
to the next.
DR. NOSTRUM
I was talking to the builder, to
the decorator who was gonna come
and do our castle. Did the Keates
ever come out here?
Keates is a decorator in his 60's often in the employ of the
Good Doctor.
HUTCHBACK
Expensive.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, well, he can be expensive.
He's not expensive to me for some
reason, but there we are, but he
was saying he loves all this
computer stuff, he plays wii almost
all the time and he said, you
know... it was a real embarrassment
when it gave him his wii age of 80,
or something like that, in front of
his family, so now he's trying to
get his wii age down, this
decorator, essex decorator. I
suppose it could replace your real
age.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
I've got to say...
HUTCHBACK
But it's just about balance.
DR. NOSTRUM
But that's what I was thinking
watching it. Watching you show us
how great it all was it just made
me think "it's a very expensive way
to put your back out." You could do
it far, far more cheaply by holding
something heavy over your head
whilst climbing a ladder.
HUTCHBACK
No, it was fun for a while, but I
just can't... If you actually,
seriously want to do exercise it's
kind of a pain. Far better to just
go for a run. (beat) So? What do we
need to write today?
DR. NOSTRUM
We'll try and expand on the
synopsis. Just start.
HUTCHBACK
Just start? Just start doing it. So
we actually have to sit and write
to start?
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, we just talk.
HUTCHBACK
Well that's no good.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yes it is, it's fine.
HUTCHBACK
No, no, you have to write.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, it's only what I did last
time. It's just, I'd like to write
something we can send to the
writer.
HUTCHBACK
Now, my phone can record stuff.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, so can mine but I can never
understand what I'm saying.
HUTCHBACK
Oh.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well we can try it.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, mine will be better.
DR. NOSTRUM
Mine just went (makes loud
crackling noises)
HUTCHBACK
We'll do a little test.
DR. NOSTRUM
And how long will it record for?
HUTCHBACK
Well it's got about four gig of
memory on it so it should be
plenty.
DR. NOSTRUM
A lot of 'em have a thing where
they turn themselves off after a
minute though. "I missed it, I
missed the greatest joke ever
told!"
HUTCHBACK
Right. (a couple of beeps sound)
It's recording at high quality.
DR. NOSTRUM
We'll just have to try and
summarise the show.
HUTCHBACK
There you go.
DR. NOSTRUM
We don't need high quality.
HUTCHBACK
It can record fifty three minutes
at high quality.
Hutchback plays back his last sentence.
DR. NOSTRUM
OK, well that can run whilst
we're... You know there was some
bloke, did you read or see about
this guy, there's this bloke who's
written literally for like the last
fifty years he wrote in his diary
every fifteen minutes.
HUTCHBACK
(not listening at all)
Ah, now you see. Now, it's saving
it onto the... Oh, it says it can
only record an hour. That's very
strange, the maximum clip length is
one hour, even though it's saving
it onto the memory card. It's not
that interesting I suppose?
DR. NOSTRUM
No.
HUTCHBACK
OK, so?
DR. NOSTRUM
We don't have to turn it on now.
HUTCHBACK
No, no, just when we get in the
car.
DR. NOSTRUM
Um. No, I think we just have to...
No, this bloke, he was a married
bloke and he wrote a diary entry
every fifteen minutes and when he
slept he slept for, like, a maximum
of three hours and then he'd get up
and write in the book and he's done
it for about thirty years.
HUTCHBACK
(overlapping)
He's insane, yes?
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, this is what they were
suggesting. He's a... he was a
vicar, or something.
HUTCHBACK
Right.
DR. NOSTRUM
And his wife, when he didn't write
in it, if he wasn't at the diary he
would, you know, call up his wife
and tell her what to write. Imagine
being married to that. He did that
and it seems that it's all just
complete mundain rubbish, rubbish,
you know, nothing...
HUTCHBACK
(laughing)
"I sat down"
DR. NOSTRUM
... Yeah. It's stuff like that, "I
had a piece of cake, wasn't bad"
HUTCHBACK
"I've been sitting now, for an
hour, I'll give you an update in
fifteen minutes."
DR. NOSTRUM
Mm.
HUTCHBACK
"Still sitting"
DR. NOSTRUM
Mm. Just stuff like that.
HUTCHBACK
"I'm watching telly."
DR. NOSTRUM
Cos, you know cos he thinks he's
creating... the reason he did it,
he wanted to create an important
historical document (Hutchback
laughs mockingly) And maybe it will
be, but it's just, er...
HUTCHBACK
Well, there is a long history of
the history of nobodies.
DR. NOSTRUM
Hmm.
HUTCHBACK
OK, so let's start recording...
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, we've got a couple of good
things, well, one good thing, I
think doggie creampies is quite
good.
HUTCHBACK
Doggie creampies... yeah.
They go out.
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