HUTCHBACK
Yeah. (beat) Now, I've been
breaking glass recently...
DR. NOSTRUM
(sorry to hear that)
Oh.
HUTCHBACK
... Inadvertently. Two large
breakages, er, on two of our
holidays...
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh. Hmm?
HUTCHBACK
... and I'm wondering whether this
means anything.
DR. NOSTRUM
It means you're clumsy.
HUTCHBACK
Yes. It means... that's the most
obvious thing it means. I'm
wondering if it means anything
else?
DR. NOSTRUM
Isn't breaking glass a metaphor for
a new, er, new stages of life,
isn't that what it's about,
originally? That's why the, er...
HUTCHBACK
I think, Jewish, maybe...
DR. NOSTRUM
I think that's why they...
HUTCHBACK
... but not...
DR. NOSTRUM
No, cos they all said that, er, in
Russian weddings...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah?
DR. NOSTRUM
Which is kind of... weird, I didn't
know that really.
HUTCHBACK
So, I broke a window, in France.
DR. NOSTRUM
I've broke... I've broken wind.
HUTCHBACK
I broke a window, er, in a Chateau.
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, really? Bloody Hell.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah. That was quite annoying.
DR. NOSTRUM
Did you admit to it?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, of course! (laughs) No, I
drew the curtains and left!
DR. NOSTRUM
(practicing excuses)
"Well, a bird must have flown into
it."
HUTCHBACK
A small remote control aeroplane
flew into the room...
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, you could say a small bird,
well, a big bird...
HUTCHBACK
No, no no. No, it, um...
DR. NOSTRUM
"It was an Eagle, Fuckin' 'ell, I
think it was an Eagle!"
HUTCHBACK
No, it's, so I, er, I broke it just
by closing it.
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh.
HUTCHBACK
Just by closing it, you know, it;s
one of these old... It was an old
Chateau, big windows...
DR. NOSTRUM
Wasn't one of these old lead
windows was it?
HUTCHBACK
... stiff, quite stiff.
DR. NOSTRUM
14th century window?
HUTCHBACK
(miming effort)
Close, close... wham, smash!
DR. NOSTRUM
Smash? What the whole thing?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, the whole thing just went,
just... fell out. (The Dr. Is
fiddlging with the stove) What have
you done? Are you gassing us? Well,
it's appropriate.
DR. NOSTRUM
It doesn't smell bad does it?
Hutchback coughs.
DR. NOSTRUM (CONT'D)
It's not bad I think.
HUTCHBACK
Do you want... That's what they
said in the gas ovens.
DR. NOSTRUM
"Doesn't smell bad."
HUTCHBACK
"Doesn't smell bad?"
DR. NOSTRUM
"Not bad this smell." Actually,
that's been partially my week this
week. We got a new boiler put in
and unbeknownst to me, because they
didn't tell me, the company that
did it, that make the boiler, went
into liquidation on fri... er, last
friday and the boiler started
giving off these fumes. So, I call
'em up and you can't get through to
anyone...
regular British service stuff...
So, basically I had to kind of,
force them to get back to me by
suggesting that if I died, that
wouldn't be very good for anyone.
Cos I think the kind of idea is
they ignore all the calls from
people who are enraged because they
paid 'em for a new boiler just
because they've already paid them,
but they can't easily ignore a call
from someone who says their product
might kill them.
HUTCHBACK
Mm. And then glass breakage number
two...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yes?
HUTCHBACK
... was actually way better. This
is in Spain, on our second
holiday...
DR. NOSTRUM
OK
HUTCHBACK
You see, I don't need to be a
writer, I can afford two holidays a
year.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, it is good, it really is good.
Although if you're a writer, your
life is one long holiday.
HUTCHBACK
Just one where you haven't got any
money.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.
HUTCHBACK
So you can't... eat, drink, or
um... make merry.
DR. NOSTRUM
(overlapping)
Break windows
HUTCHBACK
Break windows. no, so, um, this was
quite good: We spend the whole
weekend in this flat, er, in Spain,
er, borrowed it off, er, we were...
we were lent the flat by, er...
DR. NOSTRUM
Nice flat?
HUTCHBACK
It was OK.
DR. NOSTRUM
Expensive windows?
HUTCHBACK
No, it wansn't as nice as our flat,
but, we got it for free so you
can't complain.
DR. NOSTRUM
No. Well...
HUTCHBACK
Um, well you can complain...
DR. NOSTRUM
You can.
HUTCHBACK
... but you'd be a cunt if you did.
As we know.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yep.
HUTCHBACK
Um, and then on the last day, we
were stacking up all the outside
furniture on the balcony...
DR. NOSTRUM
Right.
HUTCHBACK
... and I was moving stuff around,
and we had a big round table that
we'd been kind of putting stuff on
the whole week...
DR. NOSTRUM
Mm-hmm.
HUTCHBACK
... covered in a table cloth and I
thought, oh, OK, I'll just move
this, out the way...
DR. NOSTRUM
Right.
HUTCHBACK
... so I picked it up, like this...
DR. NOSTRUM
The big round table?
HUTCHBACK
Big round table... just shif...
DR. NOSTRUM
Made of what?
HUTCHBACK
Well, yeah...
DR. NOSTRUM
Glass?
HUTCHBACK
This is what I didn't know. So, I
just moved it half a foot, just to
move it out of the way. Let it go
and the whole thing just toppled
over... It was basically this thin,
wicker, sort of like a drum...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.
HUTCHBACK
... with this huge round piece of
glass just resting on the top.
DR. NOSTRUM
Mmm.
HUTCHBACK
Not attached. And they hadn't
thought to tell us!
DR. NOSTRUM
No, they hadn't thought to tell you
because of course everybody moves
these things around.
HUTCHBACK
Well...
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, you know...
HUTCHBACK
What, moving a table?
DR. NOSTRUM
No, I know it's good.
HUTCHBACK
That's not an unlikely event...
DR. NOSTRUM
No.
HUTCHBACK
... tables are not nailed to the
floor.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, they are in pubs aren't they.
HUTCHBACK
N... No.
DR. NOSTRUM
Though why, I'm never sure.
HUTCHBACK
They're not nailed to the floor in
pubs! What are you talking about?
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, they're bolted to the floor,
some of them are bolted to the
floor.
HUTCHBACK
Only in the lower class pubs.
DR. NOSTRUM
(big sigh)
So it went did it? Bloody Hell.
HUTCHBACK
The whole thing toppled over, but
it was this huge piece of glass
that balanced on a piece of wicker
basket that was that wide.
DR. NOSTRUM
Wow. Yeah, I understand.
HUTCHBACK
It was just totally precarious and
obviously there was no weight in
the base so any kind of... Anyway
the whole thing just went and
shattered everywhere. It was very
thick glass. And we were about to
leave for the airport.
The Dr. has a good laugh at the Hutchback's expense.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, that's how it works!
HUTCHBACK
That's always how it works?
DR. NOSTRUM
No, it is, it is how it works! M
and I in Nashville, we stayed at,
you know, the first time we're very
generously given the opportunity to
stay at the house of this record
company exec...
HUTCHBACK
And you accidentally raped the dog
on the last day!
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, no, I did that earlier, but
the, um... cos the dog, you know,
was very, er, slow and, er, mellow.
HUTCHBACK
We say rape, but we don't know
because the dog couldn't speak for
itself.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, she was consensual.
HUTCHBACK
But she couldn't speak for herself.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well she didn't say anything! She
didn't put up a, er, she didn't
complain. Anyway, er, you know the
dog was one of these sort of,
er....
HUTCHBACK
How did she behave afterwards,
though, that's the question?
DR. NOSTRUM
Cold shoulder.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Cold cunt.
HUTCHBACK
She didn't return your calls.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, she was immediately licking
herself clean. Er, what do they
call that? Creampie. She was
licking her own creampie.
HUTCHBACK
Doggie creampies. That's not good.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, but it probably exists
somewhere.
HUTCHBACK
(imagining the horror)
Ahh.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, I'm not going to look that up
on the net.
HUTCHBACK
Well, purely for research purposes.
DR. NOSTRUM
That's right, anyway, erm, the last
day we were in his house,
everything had been fine and, er,
he had old food in the fridge, so I
stuffed it down the waste disposal
and, er, including twelve eggs,
which went down the waste disposal
and then put on the dishwasher...
HUTCHBACK
Ending?
DR. NOSTRUM
... and all the sink started
filling up, water coming up,
everything coming up... turned
everything off, had to zoom down
to... and this guy's house is
spotless and he is, um, OCD...
HUTCHBACK
And he's an anal retentive...
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, he is, he's an OCD guy who,
I mean, you know, he called up
three times in the first three days
just to say where things were. I
think, I mean maybe, it was er,
quite a struggle to accept having
done this but he was really great
and he called afterwards to say
things like, um, "could you just
tell me which videos you took out
of the drawer cos I put them in a
special order." And I said "I knew
you put them in an order but I
couldn't figure out what it was."
And he said, "Oh, well, it's by the
actor...
HUTCHBACK
By ISDN number.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, but wait, it was the actor and
then the genre. So he has a Pacino
set, but each...
HUTCHBACK
Pacino, but within each Pacino
group, there's a sub-group...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, there's a sub-grouping.
HUTCHBACK
But that makes perfect sense.
DR. NOSTRUM
So... I... and meanwhile he turned
up, and the thing is, is, I
couldn't get the water down. So, he
turned up with a sink, you know,
half full...
HUTCHBACK
Full of eggs, rotten eggs...
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, eggs and the scum on the top
of the water. Well, I tried with
the Drano, I called him, I said I
don't know what to do...
HUTCHBACK
Well you can't put Drano down a
full sink.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well they make this stuff in
America that you can put down
anything. Basically, it clears
everything. But, what it was, he
says "Oh, no, you can't turn on...
you can't have both the...
HUTCHBACK
But no, you can't pour it into a
sink full of water.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, no, I was trying to make
it...
HUTCHBACK
It dilutes.
DR. NOSTRUM
They've got this really thick
stuff, I was trying to make it...
They've got this really thick heavy
stuff that goes straight through
the water...
HUTCHBACK
Oh, does it?
DR. NOSTRUM
... into the drain.
HUTCHBACK
(irony)
It's amazing what they've got in
America.
DR. NOSTRUM
And he said to me, eventually, he
said "Did you turn on the waste
disposal at the same time as having
the dishwasher on?" I said "Yes" he
said "You can't do that." Of
course.
HUTCHBACK
Of course.
DR. NOSTRUM
Cos, you know that.
HUTCHBACK
Yes.
DR. NOSTRUM
You know.
HUTCHBACK
You see, there you go.
DR. NOSTRUM
And that's the thing, you see there
is...
HUTCHBACK
They forget to tell you!
DR. NOSTRUM
And then it's ruination.
HUTCHBACK
They lend you, they loan you their
places and then, selfishly, forget
to tell you critical information.
DR. NOSTRUM
Selfishly, they just leave it hanging
that "I'm out of pocket 370
dollars."
HUTCHBACK
Yup. you got away, well, no,
actually, I think we both... I'm
out of pocket 300 Euros. About the
same.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, no, that's... he said that.
HUTCHBACK
Oh. You didn't have to pay him?
I've got to pay!
DR. NOSTRUM
No. No, I had to pay him.
HUTCHBACK
Well, then, there you go.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, not had to pay him. I paid him
half.
HUTCHBACK
For what? Oh, a plumber.
DR. NOSTRUM
Er, yeah, I paid half the plumber's
fees and I offered that, he didn't
ask, he just left it hanging. You
know, but he is connected to the
mafia, so I thought I'd better...
HUTCHBACK
I like that, an entire mafia outfit
all with OCD.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.
HUTCHBACK
Constantly, constantly checking how
many bullets they've got in the
chamber. Counting them in, counting
them out.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, I mean you could tell, I like
the guy, he's a very nice guy, when
you go into the house, with his...
he's a family guy...
HUTCHBACK
But he's not really mafia.
DR. NOSTRUM
But it's one of these things like,
all the pictures, they're all
pointing in the same direction.
HUTCHBACK
What, you mean, out from the wall?
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no no no no...
HUTCHBACK
As opposed to in towards the wall?
DR. NOSTRUM
No, I didn't get the description
right. Photographs of his family,
he's got loads of photographs of
his family and his wife and so on,
on tables and they're all...
HUTCHBACK
Oh, I see.
DR. NOSTRUM
... pointing in the same
direction...
HUTCHBACK
OK
DR. NOSTRUM
... and things like that.
HUTCHBACK
Oh, right, OK.
DR. NOSTRUM
But, very amusingly, he said, one
of the first things he said to me
was "have you heard of Tempur?"
The Hutchback laughs, this is an old joke between the Dr. and
his trusty servant, the magical and near mythical substance
Tempur having been recommended to the Hutchback by the Dr. as
a pillow, years previously, which subsequently put the Hutchback's neck out
permanently.
HUTCHBACK
Ahh.
DR. NOSTRUM
I said "Yeah."
HUTCHBACK
He said "Oh, well, my mattress is
Tempur."
DR. NOSTRUM
You're one of the only two people
in the whole of England who've been
sucked in to the whole Tempur scam.
HUTCHBACK
He says it's great, but one of the
things it does is it get's really
hot, so even in the middle of
winter you only sleep with, um, a
sheet, cos it puts out loads of
warmth, which is not something that
it actually did, but there we are.
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