Tuesday 9 November 2010

All Talk 64 - Any distraction will do

They re-enter the dungeon. We miss some of the conversation,
picking it up as Hutchback is clearing out the refrigerator
and busying himself with other kitchen minion tasks whilst
the Dr. prepares a meal.

HUTCHBACK (CONT'D)
... or giving one to the tramp,
although, raw turkey being given to
a tramp... raw chicken, raw minced
chicken.

DR. NOSTRUM
No, I thought, cos, I just seem to
remember, the first time we sat
down and wrote something, you were
trying to do something with your
computer and... unable to do it,
you were trying to find a lead, or,
er, get something working and that
would have been one of the
character traits of this thing, is
that, whilst... what's his name,
that guy, we've got, Green...

HUTCHBACK
Hold, on, let me...

DR. NOSTRUM
... er, Jimmy...

HUTCHBACK
Green, Jimmy...

DR. NOSTRUM
Jimmy... and I can't rem...

HUTCHBACK
... and a lunatic.

DR. NOSTRUM
Zack! Right, Zack, so...

HUTCHBACK
Zack.

DR. NOSTRUM
... one of his character traits
would be that whilst he's supposed
to be doing something he's always
doing something else, so, you know,
even if you're writing an episode
he's actually trying to fix his
computer, or he's...

HUTCHBACK
Mm.

DR. NOSTRUM
whatever, one of theses things. He
can do that. (Resounding silence
from Hutchback) Well, we'll see
where to start, the fellow Rat said
just expand, expand what was
written.

Huge crash of clanking sounds as Hutchback empties the
dishwasher cutlery into a drawer.

DR. NOSTRUM (CONT'D)
It's funny you get All-Clad, that's
what Peter said he always bought,
Peter in America, and I turned him
on to (puts on imperious voice)
"Swiss Diamond". Have you heard of
Swiss Diamond?

HUTCHBACK
No.

DR. NOSTRUM
It's that you stuff that, you know,
non-stick, but you can't scratch
it.

HUTCHBACK
Oh.

DR. NOSTRUM
It's, um, you can use metal and
scour it and everything but it's
non-stick.

Sounds of Hutchback's gas stove being lit.

DR. NOSTRUM (CONT'D)
(sings)
"you've got, not HIV, but full
blown AIDS!" Have you got anything
oily or ghee like, or...

HUTCHBACK
No. Oh, I might have some ghee
actually, that I made.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, if you've got any... The
reason I'm making this again is
that I made it really nice, but
it's the "curry club curry sauces"
and, um, but I used rancid ghee...

HUTCHBACK
Yes, that's not good.

DR. NOSTRUM
... so, I ruined it, you know?

HUTCHBACK
That doesn't help.

DR. NOSTRUM
(putting some in the pan)
A piece of oil. (hums to himself)

HUTCHBACK
Well, we've got butter, or
vegetable oil.

DR. NOSTRUM
Great. Vegetable oil.

HUTCHBACK
So do you want to use a non-stick?

DR. NOSTRUM
Nah, it's got sauce so...

HUTCHBACK
So, really, we are recording the
sound of you cooking lunch.

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. Have you got a lid for these?

HUTCHBACK
Yup.

DR. NOSTRUM
The sound of food.

HUTCHBACK
The sound of Jews cooking.

DR. NOSTRUM
Are there any cooking programs on
the radio? There's a niche.

HUTCHBACK
Um...

DR. NOSTRUM
There was a great question on, um,
one of the window's computer things
about improving the um, improving
the effieciency of the computer for
your use. One of the questions was
"Are you blind?" with a little
check box next to it.

HUTCHBACK
"Yes, no, don't know?"... So, um,
what do we have to... surely we
should be writing then, rather than
just talking shit?

DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, we are, it depends how long
we've got, because this is how I
can see the only way to start
writing, not knowing how to write,
is that since what we have come up
with is, er, deemed to be a "good
start" he said "just expand on it"
and then next time maybe we'll sit
with Rat, or he'll have a go at,
you know, re... re-jigging what
we've done. I asked, you know, I
told you I asked the Freelance
Visionary about him?

HUTCHBACK
Yeah

DR. NOSTRUM
And the Freelance Visionary said
he'd never met him, but he must be
good to be working on that project
because, because it's a very tough
project for the writers...

HUTCHBACK
What?

DR. NOSTRUM
... in that they were literally
given, like, 3 weeks to write an
episode...

HUTCHBACK
Of what?

DR. NOSTRUM
Robinson Crusoe.

HUTCHBACK
Oh, Robinson Crusoe.

DR. NOSTRUM
He wrote one of the episodes.

HUTCHBACK
Oh, it's series. OK.

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. So, I said, well that's what
I said when I met Rat, um, "What's
next?" and he just said, you know,
expand on the synopsis, more about
the characters and the story. (More
and more cooking sounds) I mean, we
did kinda semi-write episodes
already, didn't we?

HUTCHBACK
Yeah, we did, but we lost them all.

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.

HUTCHBACK
We lost them all in a terrible
computer mishap. Whereby I deleted
everything from you, thinking it's
a load of, you know, it's a load of
meaningless shit, which I'd never
need. Which was a fair assumption
at that point.

DR. NOSTRUM
Noooo, it wasn't, it's always,
look, it's, what it is, it's the,
er, it's, it's the face that
launches a thousand ships.

HUTCHBACK
(dubious)
Hmm.

DR. NOSTRUM
It's the, what is it? Um, the
greatest TV show never made.

HUTCHBACK
It's the, it's the moral outrage
that launched, launches a... that,
that sinks a thousand...

DR. NOSTRUM
Careers.

HUTCHBACK
... careers.

DR. NOSTRUM
Ah, it's worth it! That's part of
the thing I was saying to Rat, I
said that...

HUTCHBACK
Actually not as it were "sinks"
we're not exactly floating.

DR. NOSTRUM
No, but it would be interesting.

HUTCHBACK
It would be... strange. If not...
and I suppose strange and
interesting.

DR. NOSTRUM
Unimaginable.

HUTCHBACK
Yes. Unimaginable.

DR. NOSTRUM
As, but, well, no that's not
actually true is it? It's not
unimaginable, it's just... crazy.
But there we are... I like it.

HUTCHBACK
What about, why don't we both
record this?

DR. NOSTRUM
OK. That would be a good start, to
something. Cos I actually think
that's one of the things I enjoy
about, about, you know, anythng
that sits within an episode, is
that, you know, you can have these
kind of ideas of "how do they write
this stuff?" Which is really, just
Zack recording Jimmy talking.

HUTCHBACK
Yes.

DR. NOSTRUM
But, erm, I told you...

HUTCHBACK
Ostensibly this is to make sure we
don't lose...

DR. NOSTRUM
No, I told you this thing haven't
I, I was...

HUTCHBACK
Have you still got the audio
recordings?

DR. NOSTRUM
Yes.

HUTCHBACK
Oh, OK, so we've still got
something...

DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, no, no, no, no, no I don't. No,
I don't.

HUTCHBACK
Ah.

DR. NOSTRUM
I don't have it. I've got one
document, which is Green Light
Synopsis. I've got one recording of
something, but I don't know... But
anyway, I was sitting in this
writing appointment, with... for
music, I think I told you this,
and, um, I was talking about a
lyric that I'd done and the guy
sitting next to me had said, "Oh,
yeah, I'd like to see that."

HUTCHBACK
What?

DR. NOSTRUM
This lyric. I was talking about a
lyric I'd done and one of the guys
in the writing session said "oh,
yes, let's have a look at it." and
then, we were on the computers and
I was saying, oh, well, I was
thinking, "Well, how do I give it
to you?" And he says, "Oh well
there's an online... there's a, er,
network." and he gave me the name
of the network password and that
didn't work and then, I was
thinking well, do I have a usb
stick, the usb stick? but mine was
mac and his was windows and would
that... I don't know. And then I
realised that I had it on a piece
of paper and that, you know, that
was the last thing I thought of,
just, just giving him the lyric.

HUTCHBACK
(setting up his recording)
How many beats a minute should I...

DR. NOSTRUM
No, don't do it like that, do, go
back to, um, create... go... just
go to create new podcast episode...

HUTCHBACK
Oh

DR. NOSTRUM
... if you just open Garageband...

HUTCHBACK
(imitating)
G.. Garahge-band. (laughs)

DR. NOSTRUM
Is that what it is?

HUTCHBACK
(grandly)
"Guh-rahge band"

DR. NOSTRUM
What is it?

HUTCHBACK
Well, no, that's like the posh way
of saying it.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well what is it?

HUTCHBACK
(UK accent)
Garidge Band

DR. NOSTRUM
No, I've never heard anybody call
it that.

HUTCHBACK
(lorldly)
"Ge-rahge Band" What do you mean
you've never heard anyone...
(laughs) "Ge-rahge Band"

DR. NOSTRUM
Ge-rah... Well, I suppose it's cos
I've only mentioned it in America,
that's why.

HUTCHBACK
"Ge-.." Well, no, cos in... well,
anyway...

DR. NOSTRUM
Ge-rahge Band.

HUTCHBACK
No, it says, Oh, create new podcast
episode.

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah

HUTCHBACK
OK, so... "Utter Shit, Part 1"

DR. NOSTRUM
No, don't call it that, don't do
that.

HUTCHBACK
No, sorry, "Shite." "Utter Shite,
part 1".

DR. NOSTRUM
Let's not kill it yet.

HUTCHBACK
Well, you know, you have to be
humble.

DR. NOSTRUM
No, you don't have to be humble.

HUTCHBACK
At the very least.

DR. NOSTRUM
You don't have to be humble...

HUTCHBACK
When you're starting off... OK.

DR. NOSTRUM
Humble. I mean the...

HUTCHBACK
"Can't record this track."

DR. NOSTRUM
The furthest I think you can go, is
you and me pitching it in LA.
That'll be a dream ticket and then
we can retire heads held high,
having re-created a Seinfeld
episode. (beat - still cooking
remember) It's good, Turkey,
although not good for Turkey's.

HUTCHBACK
No.

DR. NOSTRUM
And it's cheap.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah, but it doesn't really taste
of anything, that's the problem.

DR. NOSTRUM
Free range... well, that's why I'm
making a curry.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM
Free range Turkey is, um, dead
cheap.

HUTCHBACK
Maybe... I see you can set this to
music, maybe you can... maybe
that's been our mistake so far. We
can put a backing track on...

DR. NOSTRUM
I can do that.

HUTCHBACK
Just stick a random backing track
on.

DR. NOSTRUM
Maybe, um, Ode To Spring? Or, um,
no, what's that one with the, er,
UEFA champions league? Um.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah, the, er, what the, er...

DR. NOSTRUM
Ode To Joy. Ode To Joy.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah, just have it playing quietly
in the background, on a loop.

The Dr. enthusiastically and mistakenly starts singing
Carmina Burana, instead of Ode To Joy.

DR. NOSTRUM
Hang on, that's a different one
again.

HUTCHBACK
Waht's that?

DR. NOSTRUM
That's the Davidoff advert. Amazing
isn't it, all these great pieces of
music now known by their product.

HUTCHBACK
"Please select or enable a software
or real instrument track for your
recording."

DR. NOSTRUM
I'll set it up for you alright?
It's not... you've got to do more
than just turn it on.

HUTCHBACK
Right. Oh.

DR. NOSTRUM
You actually have to know something
about...

HUTCHBACK
Oh no, there we go! It's recording.

DR. NOSTRUM
That's it. It says it's recor...
Oh, no that's right.

HUTCHBACK
"Male Voice". Male voice choir.
(talking really high) So if I talk
really high...

DR. NOSTRUM
Have you got something I can use
to... oh, no, i'll just put a bit
of water in. I'm going to go for
this (holding up some curry paste),
plus whatever the other one is.

HUTCHBACK
(ironically)
Apricot Jam?

DR. NOSTRUM
Yes. They're both quite nice.

HUTCHBACK
So... So, um...

DR. NOSTRUM
So, on the...

HUTCHBACK
Do you want some yoghurt? Greek
yoghurt?

DR. NOSTRUM
Erm, no, I don't think so. Well,
you can taste it and add whatever
you want. I'm just getting rid of
the stuff that I bought.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah. "I'm just getting rid of
stuff". "In your stomach" "I
thought, better than throwing it in
the bin, I'll give it to you to
eat."

DR. NOSTRUM
I actually do think about it like
that, food, I'd rather eat it than
throw it away. I've become, er,
like your mum.

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