They re-enter the dungeon. We miss some of the conversation,
picking it up as Hutchback is clearing out the refrigerator
and busying himself with other kitchen minion tasks whilst
the Dr. prepares a meal.
... or giving one to the tramp,
although, raw turkey being given to
a tramp... raw chicken, raw minced
No, I thought, cos, I just seem to
remember, the first time we sat
down and wrote something, you were
trying to do something with your
computer and... unable to do it,
you were trying to find a lead, or,
er, get something working and that
would have been one of the
character traits of this thing, is
that, whilst... what's his name,
that guy, we've got, Green...
Hold, on, let me...
... er, Jimmy...
Jimmy... and I can't rem...
... and a lunatic.
Zack! Right, Zack, so...
... one of his character traits
would be that whilst he's supposed
to be doing something he's always
doing something else, so, you know,
even if you're writing an episode
he's actually trying to fix his
computer, or he's...
whatever, one of theses things. He
can do that. (Resounding silence
from Hutchback) Well, we'll see
where to start, the fellow Rat said
just expand, expand what was
Huge crash of clanking sounds as Hutchback empties the
dishwasher cutlery into a drawer.
DR. NOSTRUM (CONT'D)
It's funny you get All-Clad, that's
what Peter said he always bought,
Peter in America, and I turned him
on to (puts on imperious voice)
"Swiss Diamond". Have you heard of
It's that you stuff that, you know,
non-stick, but you can't scratch
It's, um, you can use metal and
scour it and everything but it's
Sounds of Hutchback's gas stove being lit.
DR. NOSTRUM (CONT'D)
"you've got, not HIV, but full
blown AIDS!" Have you got anything
oily or ghee like, or...
No. Oh, I might have some ghee
actually, that I made.
Well, if you've got any... The
reason I'm making this again is
that I made it really nice, but
it's the "curry club curry sauces"
and, um, but I used rancid ghee...
Yes, that's not good.
... so, I ruined it, you know?
That doesn't help.
(putting some in the pan)
A piece of oil. (hums to himself)
Well, we've got butter, or
Great. Vegetable oil.
So do you want to use a non-stick?
Nah, it's got sauce so...
So, really, we are recording the
sound of you cooking lunch.
Yeah. Have you got a lid for these?
The sound of food.
The sound of Jews cooking.
Are there any cooking programs on
the radio? There's a niche.
There was a great question on, um,
one of the window's computer things
about improving the um, improving
the effieciency of the computer for
your use. One of the questions was
"Are you blind?" with a little
check box next to it.
"Yes, no, don't know?"... So, um,
what do we have to... surely we
should be writing then, rather than
just talking shit?
No, no, we are, it depends how long
we've got, because this is how I
can see the only way to start
writing, not knowing how to write,
is that since what we have come up
with is, er, deemed to be a "good
start" he said "just expand on it"
and then next time maybe we'll sit
with Rat, or he'll have a go at,
you know, re... re-jigging what
we've done. I asked, you know, I
told you I asked the Freelance
Visionary about him?
And the Freelance Visionary said
he'd never met him, but he must be
good to be working on that project
because, because it's a very tough
project for the writers...
... in that they were literally
given, like, 3 weeks to write an
Oh, Robinson Crusoe.
He wrote one of the episodes.
Oh, it's series. OK.
Yeah. So, I said, well that's what
I said when I met Rat, um, "What's
next?" and he just said, you know,
expand on the synopsis, more about
the characters and the story. (More
and more cooking sounds) I mean, we
did kinda semi-write episodes
already, didn't we?
Yeah, we did, but we lost them all.
We lost them all in a terrible
computer mishap. Whereby I deleted
everything from you, thinking it's
a load of, you know, it's a load of
meaningless shit, which I'd never
need. Which was a fair assumption
at that point.
Noooo, it wasn't, it's always,
look, it's, what it is, it's the,
er, it's, it's the face that
launches a thousand ships.
It's the, what is it? Um, the
greatest TV show never made.
It's the, it's the moral outrage
that launched, launches a... that,
that sinks a thousand...
Ah, it's worth it! That's part of
the thing I was saying to Rat, I
Actually not as it were "sinks"
we're not exactly floating.
No, but it would be interesting.
It would be... strange. If not...
and I suppose strange and
As, but, well, no that's not
actually true is it? It's not
unimaginable, it's just... crazy.
But there we are... I like it.
What about, why don't we both
OK. That would be a good start, to
something. Cos I actually think
that's one of the things I enjoy
about, about, you know, anythng
that sits within an episode, is
that, you know, you can have these
kind of ideas of "how do they write
this stuff?" Which is really, just
Zack recording Jimmy talking.
But, erm, I told you...
Ostensibly this is to make sure we
No, I told you this thing haven't
I, I was...
Have you still got the audio
Oh, OK, so we've still got
Oh, no, no, no, no, no I don't. No,
I don't have it. I've got one
document, which is Green Light
Synopsis. I've got one recording of
something, but I don't know... But
anyway, I was sitting in this
writing appointment, with... for
music, I think I told you this,
and, um, I was talking about a
lyric that I'd done and the guy
sitting next to me had said, "Oh,
yeah, I'd like to see that."
This lyric. I was talking about a
lyric I'd done and one of the guys
in the writing session said "oh,
yes, let's have a look at it." and
then, we were on the computers and
I was saying, oh, well, I was
thinking, "Well, how do I give it
to you?" And he says, "Oh well
there's an online... there's a, er,
network." and he gave me the name
of the network password and that
didn't work and then, I was
thinking well, do I have a usb
stick, the usb stick? but mine was
mac and his was windows and would
that... I don't know. And then I
realised that I had it on a piece
of paper and that, you know, that
was the last thing I thought of,
just, just giving him the lyric.
(setting up his recording)
How many beats a minute should I...
No, don't do it like that, do, go
back to, um, create... go... just
go to create new podcast episode...
... if you just open Garageband...
G.. Garahge-band. (laughs)
Is that what it is?
What is it?
Well, no, that's like the posh way
of saying it.
Well what is it?
No, I've never heard anybody call
"Ge-rahge Band" What do you mean
you've never heard anyone...
(laughs) "Ge-rahge Band"
Ge-rah... Well, I suppose it's cos
I've only mentioned it in America,
"Ge-.." Well, no, cos in... well,
No, it says, Oh, create new podcast
OK, so... "Utter Shit, Part 1"
No, don't call it that, don't do
No, sorry, "Shite." "Utter Shite,
Let's not kill it yet.
Well, you know, you have to be
No, you don't have to be humble.
At the very least.
You don't have to be humble...
When you're starting off... OK.
Humble. I mean the...
"Can't record this track."
The furthest I think you can go, is
you and me pitching it in LA.
That'll be a dream ticket and then
we can retire heads held high,
having re-created a Seinfeld
episode. (beat - still cooking
remember) It's good, Turkey,
although not good for Turkey's.
And it's cheap.
Yeah, but it doesn't really taste
of anything, that's the problem.
Free range... well, that's why I'm
making a curry.
Free range Turkey is, um, dead
Maybe... I see you can set this to
music, maybe you can... maybe
that's been our mistake so far. We
can put a backing track on...
I can do that.
Just stick a random backing track
Maybe, um, Ode To Spring? Or, um,
no, what's that one with the, er,
UEFA champions league? Um.
Yeah, the, er, what the, er...
Ode To Joy. Ode To Joy.
Yeah, just have it playing quietly
in the background, on a loop.
The Dr. enthusiastically and mistakenly starts singing
Carmina Burana, instead of Ode To Joy.
Hang on, that's a different one
That's the Davidoff advert. Amazing
isn't it, all these great pieces of
music now known by their product.
"Please select or enable a software
or real instrument track for your
I'll set it up for you alright?
It's not... you've got to do more
than just turn it on.
You actually have to know something
Oh no, there we go! It's recording.
That's it. It says it's recor...
Oh, no that's right.
"Male Voice". Male voice choir.
(talking really high) So if I talk
Have you got something I can use
to... oh, no, i'll just put a bit
of water in. I'm going to go for
this (holding up some curry paste),
plus whatever the other one is.
Yes. They're both quite nice.
So... So, um...
So, on the...
Do you want some yoghurt? Greek
Erm, no, I don't think so. Well,
you can taste it and add whatever
you want. I'm just getting rid of
the stuff that I bought.
Yeah. "I'm just getting rid of
stuff". "In your stomach" "I
thought, better than throwing it in
the bin, I'll give it to you to
I actually do think about it like
that, food, I'd rather eat it than
throw it away. I've become, er,
like your mum.