All Talk 63 - On Not Writing One hour TV Shows (really pre - All Talk 58)

We jump out of sync, to keep the serious business of writing the world's next great TV show together vaguely coherently. For the synchronistically pedantic amongst our readers the following chapters 63 through 67 take place prior to Shopping at Warmongers via Will Self - All Talk 58.

HUTCHBACK
OK, so... sorry, what do we need to
do again?

DR. NOSTRUM
We would like to...

HUTCHBACK
Write an hour...

DR. NOSTRUM
No, No!

HUTCHBACK
Oh, OK.

DR. NOSTRUM
No, we just want to expand on the
premise of the show.

HUTCHBACK
An hour...

DR. NOSTRUM
NO!

HUTCHBACK
OK.

DR. NOSTRUM
What we have to do is just expand
on the premise of the whole show.

HUTCHBACK
(overlapping)
So it lasts an hour... No.

DR. NOSTRUM
For the whole show.

HUTCHBACK
So the whole show now is one hour?

DR. NOSTRUM
(ignoring him)
And then eventually we'll decide
whether we have to write a bunch
of... a series, or just an, er,

HUTCHBACK
And where does the hour thing come
in?

DR. NOSTRUM
It comes in, that in the first hour
of the show you get an hour.

HUTCHBACK
OK.

DR. NOSTRUM
There's definitely an hour in
there...

HUTCHBACK
Definitely an hour.

DR. NOSTRUM
...within the first hour.

HUTCHBACK
And sometimes even within the first
50 minutes, if it's a good show.

DR. NOSTRUM
If you get the pacing right you can
really make it feel like it's
moving on.

HUTCHBACK
So, shouldn't it be that what you
don't want...

DR. NOSTRUM
Is what? People thinking it's going
to fast.

HUTCHBACK
(overlapping)
Thinking... Yeah, no, what you
want...

DR. NOSTRUM
You want it so they're bored out of
their minds.

HUTCHBACK
...is for the first hour to sem
like an hour and a half. No. You
want the first hour to seem like
half an hour. That's the trick.
That's the genius.

DR. NOSTRUM
I don't know. I mean, If you're
enjoying yourself an hour is great,
if you're not, it's tedious, so,
it's an hour either way. I don't
know, I'm not an expert.

HUTCHBACK
What we should do is work out how
much time you can lose to adverts,
and then...

DR. NOSTRUM
(catching on)
The more adverts there are...

HUTCHBACK
The more adverts... If you put in
more adverts then we don't have to
write as much.

DR. NOSTRUM
We can have adverts for Monkey
Wrenches and Mole Grips.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah... We don't have to write as
many jokes. You see, this is the
problem.

DR. NOSTRUM
No...

HUTCHBACK
You see neither of us know how to
write a joke.

DR. NOSTRUM
That's fine, that's fine. I'm not
worried by the essential...

HUTCHBACK
Inability.

DR. NOSTRUM
..the essential thing, you know,
the fact that we don't write is not
a problem.

HUTCHBACK
(ironically)
Not a problem. OK.

DR. NOSTRUM
The problem is, that at some point
we'll have to write.

HUTCHBACK
Yes.

DR. NOSTRUM
That's the problem.

HUTCHBACK
So it's not a problem at the
moment.

DR. NOSTRUM
No, it's not a problem at the
moment, at the moment it's just
fine.

HUTCHBACK
It's just fine.

DR. NOSTRUM
At some point it might become a
problem.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM
But right now it's not. No. (long
pause) And anyway, I can suggest
that I actually do write, even
though it's not on TV.

HUTCHBACK
Well I can pretend I write as well.

DR. NOSTRUM
No, but I mean I do write, I just
don't write for TV. But then if you
have someone that writes for TV...

HUTCHBACK
Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM
...that covers that angle of it.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah, well I write as well, I just
don't get paid for it.

DR. NOSTRUM
No. (another long pause) No, i
don't think that's inherently a
problem.

HUTCHBACK
No, because with the right
attitude, you can get away with
anything...

DR. NOSTRUM
That's right, it's just content.

HUTCHBACK
...The right attitude, you can con
anyone.

DR. NOSTRUM
Hmm.

They arrive back at the Hutchback's dungeon... There are cars
waiting to park, hovering... One pinches a space right
outside the Dungeon. Hutchback has to go around the corner.

HUTCHBACK
Oh, don't tell me... You fucker!
Oh, you fuckers!

DR. NOSTRUM
Is that someone you know?

HUTCHBACK
No, But...

DR. NOSTRUM
But now you know that having parked
your car here if you don't keep an
eye out...

HUTCHBACK
Yeah now, as soon as that car goes,
I have to nip out and put my car in
it's place.

DR. NOSTRUM
That can be someting that happens.

HUTCHBACK
That is something that happens,
that is actually something I do.

DR. NOSTRUM
That's why the guy should be based
on you.

HUTCHBACK
My ongoing... (he gets out the
parked car) It's actually an
ongoing battle that the other guy
isn't even aware of.

DR. NOSTRUM
Yes.

HUTCHBACK
That's the pathetic-ness of it.
It's a lifelong struggle not only
against an enemy that doesn't know
you, but doesn't care.

They re-enter the dungeon to a clank of keys and locks.