Sunday, 18 January 2009

QVC - Lest we Die in Shame, Sell us the Perfect Life.


Dr Nostrum watched, entranced, but, alas for QVC, did not buy.

This wasn't because I could hardly think of an item more worthless than 'Yankee Candles' - yes, the relentless march to drown out the smell of farts, sweat and pets (though less memorable than the oriental kid forever doomed to unhappily shit his way through The Noughties unable to hide the stench from his adoptive parents) continues.

The western culture has but one challenge for The People and that is the attaining of Objective Perfection through all and any means necessary. If ever there were a more pointless goal, only pseudo religion has offered it - Yes, you too can be a God amongst Men, simply close your eyes, breathe deeply and let nothing in, whilst simultaneously promising nirvana in platitudes. Here there has been a great mistake because there's been no pacifist God yet (only his errant son - who sure was taught a lesson in how humans behave without all the self help brainwashing)

Anyway, getting back to the important matter of 'Yankee Candle' selling, they sure were firing on every cylinder. It was a pitch (thank you Torquemada) by 2 pro's and the Yankee Candles with garters were so 'naughty' and 'indulgent' and simply 'incredible' that Dr. Nostrum's resistance was tested. Scents were scented and tongues tripped 'all year cinnamon' deemed a Bakery smell with a hint of vanilla (don't ask the manufacturers how that slipped in) and the Dr. was delighted to be told that "it's been well documented - people warm to vanilla" Where they warmed wasn't clear, I assumed it must be spiritually. Best of all, the representative of the importer let slip the that so pure was the "highly refined vegetable grade parraffin wax - you could almost eat them" Better not I thought, but perhaps they would fill that candle shaped hole in my diet.

Luckily we were reminded that the pictures on the jar tell you everything, (a picture of cinnamon sticks, say) that picture tells you exactly what it will smell like. And any comment left hanging in the heat of the sell was beautifully rescued by the simple time filling phrase; 'It's so interesting what you said there' before being beautifully expounded upon with an unrelated phrase.

So there we are, cheap mason jars with a plstic lid filled with smelly wax. 'coming up later - a set of 4 small beanswax lidded tumbler candles - recently reduced to just £29.74 - one viewer reminded us that "it wouldn't be Christmas without Yankee Candles" No? What would it be? Ah, an enforced Family meal with aggravation and turkey flavoured belches before arguments and tears, all accompanied by the powerful stench of Brussell Sprout farts left to linger without the redemptive Yankee Candle overtones.

"What's this one - Candied Apple - Can you imagine what that one smells like?" Yes, strangely enough.

There were some pretentious gatecrashers to the party, no doubt smells left on the shop floor that were swept up and repackaged lest there be waste (see the Dr's theories on the Flake and Picnic chocolate bars) 'Beach Holiday', 'Open Space', 'Gents Lavatory' (that last a shoe-in stocking filler for George Michael)

I was able to vicariously enjoy the fruit smells - especially being told that Cayman Banana was made with one of the oldest bananas in creation (Larry King's Cock - boom boom) and that we shouldn't miss "warm creamy Vera Cruz" - no doubt harvested from Penelope's Mother's smears.

So, whatever you want to achieve at Christmas, it will no doubt be improved with Yankee Candles. But, unfortunately not by me, for I had emptied my Bank account buying the bedspreads that were on half an hour before - each set came boxed with all I'd need to make a complete bed! I couldn't resist, the clincher was that timeless truism that dripped from the presenters lips after yet another heartfelt plea for my money "Remember, if your guest is coming to stay, you can't give a better gift than a good night's sleep" I believe those words were first coined by Dennis Nilsen.

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