All Talk 13 - Cooking with Delia, Lying To Children and Growing Pains

30/11/08

Hutchback

(beat) There's some quite, quite a lively group that family group over there.

Dr. Nostrum

They are aren't they, they've done a lot of...

Hutchback

Lot of running around...

Dr. Nostrum (this was the 'blind' girl's family)

...pretending and things.

Hutchback

Running around; star jumps; chasing; it's all a bit much for a Saturday afternoon really.

Dr. Nostrum

You think they're a family?

Hutchback

Yeah. Well there are two children and...

Dr. Nostrum

The woman doesn't look right.

Hutchback

... (unhappily noticing) three adults

Dr. Nostrum

The woman doesn't look right to me

Hutchback

That's the mother.

Dr. Nostrum

That's what I'm saying; she doesn't look right. (pause) She looks like a friend of the family rather than the mum. (pause) No, she must be the mum. (longer pause – he's not sure) She could be a friend rather than the mum.

Hutchback

Well which one, the black woman or the white woman?

Dr. Nostrum

No, the black girl is the daughter of the black guy. See, radio in black and white. Yes, anyway, um... You know, it's just describing; describing the unimportant.

Hutchback

No, no. They've got a free M&S cooler bag, I've sp.. I notice.

Dr. Nostrum

What do you get it free with?

Hutchback

You get it free with 5 or more deli items.

Dr. Nostrum

Hmm.

Hutchback

There you go, so for all those of you who haven't picked up their free cooler bag yet... Hummus; my top tip.

Dr. Nostrum

Oh, you know that was quite funny actually, as Harry Hill pointed out, one of Delia Smith's things where she's got the cheat ingredients stuff, you know, this new thing? One of those programmes was her making Hummus...

Hutchback

Yeah!

Dr. Nostrum

But why isn't that just one of your cheat ingredients?

Hutchback

Exactly!

Dr. Nostrum

It's nonsense, isn't it? Why cook anything?

Hutchback

Just buy it all from M&S.

Dr. Nostrum

Buy it all ready made! (pause) It doesn't make any sense that programme, you've got cheat ingredients but then you've got to go and make it yourself.

Hutchback

No, cause you want to pretend you've cooked for your dinner party guests. Jesus, can you imagine?

Dr. Nostrum

What?

Hutchback

Serving up tinned lamb, tinned lamb mince...

Dr. Nostrum

Well, if it was the...

Hutchback

...at a dinner party?

Dr. Nostrum

It depends on how troubled times are.

Hutchback

How difficult is it to get... (loses interest and settles on a very satisfying yawn)

Dr. Nostrum

And they played on the radio something about her explaining how to boil an egg and part of the explanation was the difference between water...

Hutchback

And oil.

Dr. Nostrum

...no, no, the difference between the water not boiling and the water nearly boiling and she was describing this, you see.. when you see the water bubbling up, just slightly beginning to bubble, that's not boiling, just wait...

Hutchback

Wait!

Dr. Nostrum

...for it

Hutchback

Wait! Just wait...

Dr. Nostrum

...to start bubbling"...

Hutchback

...a little bit!

Dr. Nostrum

...she said wait till it starts bubbling vigorously across the surface of the whole water and that's when it's boiling

Hutchback

Christ

Dr. Nostrum

Because of course, you wouldn't know that, if you'd never grown up, really.

Hutchback

If you'd never been taught anything

Dr. Nostrum

Yeah, that's it. (pause) TV for...

Hutchback

Maybe our experiment should be to take an untutored boy (pause) of some age...

Dr. Nostrum

And teach them

Hutchback

...and teach them...

Dr. Nostrum

You mean, like having children?

Hutchback

...everything wrong.

Dr. Nostrum

What, like having children?

Hutchback

Er, yeah.

Dr. Nostrum

I like the idea of having children and teaching them nonsense. I'm quite, you know, like that Calvin and Hobbes stuff. I have a feeling that I would be very, very (pause) attracted to the idea of sending a kid off to school with his head full of absolute crap and then they said "Well, My dad said 'this'" and it's just complete nonsense.

Hutchback

Yeah, I mean, it's an amusing thought but rather unfair on the child.

Dr. Nostrum

I think my dad did it, somewhat, you know.

Hutchback

Yeah

Dr. Nostrum

In some ways (pause0) he said he was a doctor and told me, er, various things and that everything...

Hutchback

Did he?

Dr. Nostrum

...everything that was wrong with me was 'growing pains' (pause - laughs) that's quite, you know... (pause)

Hutchback

I wonder if you get gro'in pains in your groin (pronounced gro-in)?

Dr. Nostrum

(silence – of the tumbleweed blowing across the tundra type) Gro'in? (more silence) Mm. (a pause to recover the will to live, then) Didn't you have that? Didn't you have parents telling you everything wrong with you was 'growing pains', anything that hurt anywhere?

Hutchback

No

Dr. Nostrum

Oh, I guess that's why I was...

Hutchback

What, you slammed your fin.. slammed your thumb in the door – "That's growing pains son."

Dr. Nostrum

Well it is isn't it? In some ways, in some indirect way it is a growing pain isn't it?