Sunday 18 January 2009

All Talk 41 - The Goldilocks Thesis and Tantric Shitting

DR. NOSTRUM

If it was funny it would be interesting...

HUTCHBACK

No, the thing is, I wasn't about to say anything nasty.

DR. NOSTRUM

Like, for example, a wedding speech in reality, rather than on film where the best man eulogises about the size of the groom's shit is a reasonably amusing concept.

HUTCHBACK

Yeah, the size, volume and quantity.

DR. NOSTRUM

As a good thing in a prospective husband is, you know, for the parents in law, not what you want to hear, but, it stays with them.

HUTCHBACK

You've got to be able to pinch out a good length, basically.

DR. NOSTRUM

(pause) I wish you could pinch it out. That would be good if you could pinch it off at the length required, (pause) like sausages. Not that you can.

HUTCHBACK

If you had a very muscular...

DR. NOSTRUM

Anus.

HUTCHBACK

...arsehole.

DR. NOSTRUM

Yeah. Well, maybe some people can do that, I don't know, I suppose they can?

HUTCHBACK

Surely it depends on the consistency...

DR. NOSTRUM

Tantric shitters probably can.

HUTCHBACK

No, if it's a very soft turd you probably could.

DR. NOSTRUM

I would have thought it'd have to have a reasonable consistency to be able to do it.

HUTCHBACK

Yeah

DR. NOSTRUM

But tantric shitters probably can...

HUTCHBACK

I think you're looking for, like, the Goldilocks of shit...

DR. NOSTRUM

Goldilocks?

HUTCHBACK

...not too hard, not too soft. Not too hot, not too cold.

DR. NOSTRUM

Goldilocks? What, was she hot or cold?

HUTCHBACK

No! Cos she...

DR. NOSTRUM

Oh, the bed?

HUTCHBACK

...liked it just right didn't she?

DR. NOSTRUM

Did she? Oh, (pause) is that what the tale was basically.. an analogy about?

HUTCHBACK

I'm not entirely...

DR. NOSTRUM

Probably was.

HUTCHBACK

...sure if it was an analogy for Coprophilia, for Goldilocks. I was just using it as a metaphor. Cos she liked her porridge not too hot, not too cold, but just right, so you could say...

DR. NOSTRUM

It is an analogous fairytale actually. I never really saw that before. Not just Coprophilia, but sex, probably sex. It's probably about sex. (pause) Which is why the bears all get in bed. They get into bed and...

HUTCHBACK

You know, daddy's too big, baby's...

DR. NOSTRUM

...too small. So she was.. It's a lesbian...

HUTCHBACK

It's a.. She's a.. Basically, it's a lesbian analogy.

DR. NOSTRUM

Yes

HUTCHBACK

Not just lesbian. Bestial.

DR. NOSTRUM

A bestial, lesbian, coprophiliac analogy.

HUTCHBACK

Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM

That's the thesis.

HUTCHBACK

Although the coprophilia is a bit of a strain, literally, it's a bit of a push. It's a bit of a leap.

DR. NOSTRUM

No, well, we got there from the wrong thing, but...

HUTCHBACK

All I meant was...

DR. NOSTRUM

To do it

HUTCHBACK

...in order to use your arse muscles to properly pinch off half way through a turd it has to be the righ.. Cos obviously, too loose and there's nothing to pinch, it would obviously come out in a long stream. Too hard and you'd never get through it.

DR. NOSTRUM

Well it's never that hard. How hard does a turd have to be that you can't chop through it? I mean how many turds can't you chop through for God's sake? It's not like we shit bones or anything.

HUTCHBACK

No, but you know, sometimes those very dark, peaty ones. Those kind of dense...

DR. NOSTRUM

But they're never so hard.. presumably, a turd is never too hard for an anus to chop through it? I don't think that's possible. I don't think that's possible, otherwise if you couldn't follow through you'd be walking around with that turd sticking out your arse (pause) unless you pulled it out with your hand. Anyway, it's not that interesting to me – about shit.

HUTCHBACK

Well, no, this is the basis for all comedy, surely, talking about shit?

DR. NOSTRUM

Well I'm not a fan of toilet humour, but, the idea of tantric shitting – I can imagine there probably are people who have such control over their guts that can..

HUTCHBACK

..shit out animal shapes.

DR. NOSTRUM

(pause) Well, you'd have to have a very wide anus to do that, but, you know...

HUTCHBACK

Well, you know, as long as the animals are reasonably symmetrical.

DR. NOSTRUM

Most animals are symmetrical. (thinks) What animals aren't symmetrical?

HUTCHBACK

Well, beyond a snake, obviously, that doesn't require much, but no, that would be a talent.

DR. NOSTRUM

(still pursuing the unknown) All animals are symmetrical.

HUTCHBACK

That would be a talent.

DR. NOSTRUM

Well, it would be a talent. Can you imagine that on 'The Generation Game'? No, but I would say, if you did that, if you could pinch one off, you then, presumably, cause you've practiced, have the guts to pull what's left...

HUTCHBACK

Draw it back.

DR. NOSTRUM

...back up.

HUTCHBACK

Draw it back up to take more energy out of it.

DR. NOSTRUM

No, no, you draw it back up so you don't get a skid mark, that's the point. If someone could just do that...

HUTCHBACK

Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM

I think animals can do that can't they?

HUTCHBACK

Tantric, self cleaning anus.

DR. NOSTRUM

That animals...

HUTCHBACK

Animals can't do that! What are you talking about? Have you never seen a dog running around with...

DR. NOSTRUM

Turds falling out their arse.

HUTCHBACK

...turds dripping out of it's f..

DR. NOSTRUM

Yeah, but that's just cos they're not feeling well.

HUTCHBACK

No.

DR. NOSTRUM

They can do most of that on demand. You know, they can stop a shit.

HUTCHBACK

I don't think they can.

DR. NOSTRUM

You don't think so? (long pause) That's too much shit. How did we get there? Ah, yes, the wedding speech.

HUTCHBACK

It wasn't our fault, it was the wedding speech that did it.

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