Sunday 18 January 2009

All Talk 12 - Lloyd Webber and Walliams prepare to sue

28/11/08

(what follows are not the opinions of real people, remember)

Hutchback

...I can't comment because I've avoided watching any of those hideous programmes.

Dr. Nostrum

Well, no, I haven't watched them cos I've seen him sitting on his throne and I've seen the look on his face and (pause) I have seen him periodically pop in and out of culture across the years and he is very creepy.

Hutchback

Oh yes, But more to do with his face than anything else I think. I think if he had a different face...

Dr. Nostrum

There's something incredibly obsequious about him.

Hutchback

Yeah, he's oily.

Dr. Nostrum

(pause) I don't think it's that it's oily, it's just something very, very weird going on.

Hutchback

Mm.

Dr. Nostrum

Kind of like David Walliams.

Hutchback

Yes

Dr. Nostrum

He's got the same kind of thing going on it's this 'child rapist' look...

Hutchback (laughing)

Yeah

Dr. Nostrum

No, well, you know, if you could categorize it, there is something like that.

Hutchback

Yeah. He clearly.. he fits that profile, you know...

Dr. Nostrum

But, the thing is...

Hutchback

...he gets to work with lots of children...

Dr. Nostrum

...but, child rapists don't have that look (pause) apparently. All these serial killers, child rapists are just, you know, walking amongst us unseen but, if they all looked like David Walliams...

Hutchback (quoting the usual comment)

'He seemed like such a normal bloke - a normal bloke'.

Dr. Nostrum

Right, whereas David Walliams doesn't seem like a normal bloke and nor does Andrew Lloyd Webber...

Hutchback

But...

Dr. Nostrum

...so you wouldn't be surprised if they had some dirty past.

Hutchback

But he's not gay apparently.

Dr. Nostrum

Well I think that's.. that's.. well, then nor's Simon Cowell but then...

Hutchback

No, Walliams

Dr. Nostrum

No, but I'm saying, but nor is Simon Cowell, but apparently they are, allegedly.

Hutchback

Oh are they?

Dr. Nostrum

More stuff you can't broadcast. Well – you can broadcast what you want, I think that's the thing isn't it? Although why anyone gives a fuck about being gay's beyond me, or how you can sue for it being defamation as if it were somehow defamation, bit of a circular argument that. Hardly a victory for gay rights to still be able to do that really.

Hutchback

Well, who's gonna sue us if no-one hears it?

Dr. Nostrum

Yeah, if no-one hears it, yeah. Oh, it doesn't matter it's just, you know. "Edit point."

Hutchback

"Cunt"

Dr. Nostrum

Yeah. (long beat) I don't know, I think if you did this for, like, ten years you get better at it.

Hutchback

Yeah. If you did this for ten years you might get 5 minutes of raw material.

Dr. Nostrum

But what a 5 minutes!

Hutchback

Yup.

Dr. Nostrum

Very reasonable. It would be very reasonable...

Hutchback

And in fact...

Dr. Nostrum

...wouldn't be great...

Hutchback

...it would be 5 continuous minutes from some, just.. peak moment...

Dr. Nostrum

...a snippet.

Hutchback

...when you'd.. Somehow everything had come together.

Dr. Nostrum (wistfully)

Yeah.

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