Sunday, 18 January 2009

I’m A Celebrity, Get Me In Her.

Alas poor Kilroy, he was chucked off backwards. Dr Nostrum has booked a New Years Break at the I'm A 'Celebrity' Get Me Out Of Here camp for me and M in the New Year. I had often wondered and recently confirmed that the site is a Year round venue where as many different Nationalities are shoed in as possible, but between Sweden and Eritrea, M and I have a chance to get away from it all.

The package includes a few of the choice Bushtucker Trials - Sucking off a Wombat, Dry Cleaning a Crocodile and Shitting into Anthony McPartlins mouth from a high branch - once much favoured by the Plastic Duck carrying Derelict who we all knew as Gazza, now, a broken, shadowy soul almost as physically feeble as shrunken Ben Gazzara.

Although we do get interviewed periodically, fortunately there's no-one to really vote us off, although if you wanted to call in - +448445-930-616(1) for the Dr. -616(2) for M - the money goes to a cause of our choice. Namely, preserving the skin of Jade Goody, which is a long cherished project of the Dr's, as some of you may be aware, soon to be seen as a series on Living (proceeds less costs and profit to her children). She'll go on the Lounge wall next to Des O'Connor, but may require a slightly larger board to be pegged out on.

Still, to keep us happy there is a sham eviction each morning, where we have hired Robert Kilroy Silk to be voted off each day. He does though have to be kept in the manner he expects between daily takes, so we also have Fatima Siad in for him to split each morning, after which he gets to personally re-circumcise her in readiness to split her the following day, etc. Fatima seems reasonably Ok with this arrangement as it keeps her away from Tyrant Banks whilst allowing her to publicise the cause closest to her arse.

At the end of the two week break we get our walk of shame and patronisation and of course the whole holiday is filmed so we can cherish it forever. An unexpected bonus is the whisper that Ant may be available to shit into for other functions, but I can't say that either I or M liked the way he looked up at our stars. He just didn't have that air of superiority we value, in fact there was just that whiff of desperation in the eyes which sullied the fun I'm afraid, for me particularly. Still, we may give him a try, I wouldn't want to second guess the requirements of visiting luminaries at the Castle.

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