Hutchback often buys The Daily Mail instead of Toilet paper, it works out dearer but does the world a charitable service. Anyway, I had to stop mid wipe today at the full page con, er, ad on page 78 which promises riches too good to miss out on by buying a book of tips, which offers the chance to be let in on deep secrets previously only known to the Masons and Royal Families of Europe.
But Dr. Nostrum will save you some hard earned on a few of the key tip teasers by filling in the blanks. I'll answer the first 3 as advertised and then two random favourites.
"Cut your heating and electric bills by hundreds of pounds each year." - there are many ways to do this - commit any crime, go to jail and have HMS pay for it for you; turn off all your heating and electric for 9 months; become a member of Parliament; buy a Utility company; kill yourself.
"Learn how many ways you can use baking soda, vinegar, wax, salt, milk, potatoes and alcohol." - there are 5040 ways, although, interestingly, combining all ingredients gives you a very sticky vodka.
"Drive down your car repair bills and make your old car run like new. Discover dozens of secrets that your car mechanic doesn't want you to know." - lay all your car repair bills in a line on a slight hill and drive down it; replace every mechanical component in your old car with new mechanical components; all the secrets your car mechanic doesn't want you to know involve him sleeping with your wife.
"Surefire steps you can take to save money every time you shop." - forget to take your wallet; shoplift; buy incrementally less each time.
"This ultra-cheap household liquid will clean your cooking pots, your windows, grout stains and mildew." - urine.
"A surefire way to discourage your neighbour's dog from invading your garden." - kill your neighbour's dog.
The very strange "Cure Ear Mites with this type of oil." - this is a trick, all ear mites are healthy.
To wrap up, I'll just take half of one of the tips: "...And the one thing you should never do." - buy this book.