All Talk 40 - Ignorant, Racist Fools

DR. NOSTRUM

It's not a big thing, but anyway – to point it out was an error.

HUTCHBACK

I'm moving my tea away from your feet because...

DR. NOSTRUM

They've got terrible balance.

HUTCHBACK

...well, not just that.

DR. NOSTRUM

I'll put socks on, I'll put socks on.

HUTCHBACK

No, it's ok...

DR. NOSTRUM

You'd still move your tea away would you?

HUTCHBACK

...now my tea is out of the way.

DR. NOSTRUM

(beat) Um, no, the error was pointing it out. How do you point out something that irritates you without someone getting really angry at you? It's that (pause) people thing isn't it?

HUTCHBACK

Mm. Yes.

DR. NOSTRUM

Yeah, I mean, I told the guy I work with this week that he was an ignorant fool, so, you know, he took that very well.

HUTCHBACK

Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM

"Ignorant, racist fool." Or something like that.

HUTCHBACK

Right, well, there you go.

DR. NOSTRUM

But that's cos he's an ignorant, racist fool, but, he's not really, he just has that tendency.

HUTCHBACK

For being ignorant, foolish and racist.

DR. NOSTRUM

Yes. (pause) he's, um, a gentleman, er, that likes using "They" a lot. "They all.."

HUTCHBACK

(puts on knuckle-dragging voice) "They're all.. They're all.. ar, ar, ar."

DR. NOSTRUM

"They all want to kill us." " They all, you know, if you asked any of.. I'm telling you the truth, if you ask any of them how we improve things they'd say 'You have to be more like us.'"

HUTCHBACK

And which 'they' is this?

DR. NOSTRUM

Muslims

HUTCHBACK

Ah, Muslims! Is he Jewish?

DR. NOSTRUM

Nah, he's not Jewish, no. He's not Jewish, he's just, er, stressed out.

HUTCHBACK

He's just a cunt.

DR. NOSTRUM

He said to me, do I know any Muslims? As if all his friends are.. as if he lives in a.. Anyway! I was trying to point out to him..

HUTCHBACK

You said he said to you "Do you know any Muslims?"

DR. NOSTRUM

Yeah

HUTCHBACK

And what did you say?

DR. NOSTRUM

I said. "One, maybe, but not a particularly good example of the trend you're talking about." and so, no, er, I..

HUTCHBACK

You know more than one Muslim, surely?

DR. NOSTRUM

No, probably not.

HUTCHBACK

Mrs. Hutchback's the only Muslim you know?

DR. NOSTRUM

No, hmm, I don't know, maybe my cat's Muslim, you know, my mum's not Muslim...

HUTCHBACK

No, that's true.

DR. NOSTRUM

None of my cousins are Muslim.

HUTCHBACK

No.

DR. NOSTRUM

And none of my friends are Muslim, except...

HUTCHBACK

What about the bloke in the local..?

DR. NOSTRUM

I don't know him, whoever he is. There must be a Muslim locally, but I don't know. Not that it matters, I was just trying to point out that, er, if the guy I work with was standing in front of a thousand Muslims and he was saying They this and They that, and You All want to do this and You All do that, they probably wouldn't appreciate it (pause) and that it would be slightly – in my own way I was trying to suggest that it would be slightly unfair to say something like that, but, er, he wasn't having it, really. So I called him an ignorant, racist fool. (Hutchback laughs) Which he actually took very well...

HUTCHBACK

Yeah...

DR. NOSTRUM

...cos I'm white.

HUTCHBACK

...for an ignorant, racist fool.

DR. NOSTRUM

No, he took it very well; he didn't kill me. Or even get angry in fact. I think he just accepted it cause it's true but he doesn't mind.

HUTCHBACK

(knuckle-dragger again) "I'm prowd tah be racist, it's what makes this country great!"

DR. NOSTRUM

No, he's not racist at all, he says, of course. He's not racist in any way.

HUTCHBACK

"I just don't like Muslims."

DR. NOSTRUM

He just doesn't like, um...

HUTCHBACK

Paki's

DR. NOSTRUM

He doesn't like people getting treated differently to him. He says we bend over backwards to give the advantage to all the minority interests in this country and we don't do anything for the, er, people that were born here. Or something like that.

HUTCHBACK

He's voting BNP then?

DR. NOSTRUM

I don't think he had the opportunity. But he did vote for Boris. (pause) I'm not sure that voting is that useful, anymore. Is it useful, do you think its useful? It's not politics, it's just.. it's only useful if it makes a difference. If you exchange one fool for another, what difference does that make?

HUTCHBACK

Well...

DR. NOSTRUM

You just have someone else to blame.