Having retreated from the glare of the public, the Doctor and Hutchback come up with a new line in Shower Gels and the next product to draw investment from American Inventor - providing the basis for the first entry Dr. Nostrum made on this Blogradigm way back when.
INT HUTCHBACK'S LAIR
DR. NOSTRUM (returning from the toilet)
I thought that was a funny thing. I saw that, you got that shower gel what was it – Dragon's Breath?
HUTCHBACK
Dragon's Breath and Chili
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. Dragon-berries and Crapiscum
HUTCHBACK
Capsicum
DR. NOSTRUM
Right, Capsicum. I mean really, do you think, if you had those two things you would make a shower gel out of it? I can't imagine what sort of process, whoever.. I mean who on earth thought of anything like that? How do you do that, really? You know, if you're sitting.. well, I suppose the people who invented it are the people that work for the shower gel company, but I was kind of thinking – it might have been the people who just had too many Dragon-berries and Capsicum and they didn't know what to do with them, but it's not is it? It's the other way round.
HUTCHBACK
You can come up with shower gels...
DR. NOSTRUM
I mean, what does it mean?
HUTCHBACK
Shower gel's not a difficult thing to come up with. (pause) Chocolate Chip.
DR. NOSTRUM
That would be good! That's true - people don't do that - that would be a whole market.
HUTCHBACK
There you go.
DR. NOSTRUM
There you see, we're giving all our ideas away for free.
HUTCHBACK (sarcasm)
For free! The genius. The genius!
DR. NOSTRUM
Now that, actually, American inventor is kinda like that, because, obviously, I've been an ideas man in the past (Hutchback laughs mockingly) No...
HUTCHBACK
Your previous profession - an ideas man.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yes! Yes. I would say, in fact it's still my profession but now...
HUTCHBACK
But now you don't get paid for it.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, well, yeah. Whereas before I didn't get paid for it either. Um, no, because I was saying to.. It's true...
HUTCHBACK
So you're the brains of the outfit?
DR. NOSTRUM
I'm the brains behind all the stuff that never gets made. You know, I've invented more things that couldn't possibly exist than most people.
HUTCHBACK
Which takes some doing.
DR. NOSTRUM
It takes some doing, but...
HUTCHBACK
So does that mean..?
DR. NOSTRUM
...I was hampered...
HUTCHBACK
But doesn't that mean, doesn't that mean the more, the more things you invent that are clearly nonsense, the worse..?
DR. NOSTRUM
I don't think any of them are nonsense! They're just not (pause) makeable with no knowledge of anything.
HUTCHBACK
Ok
DR. NOSTRUM
That's the problem, but, there is a show now, on TV, for people like me.
HUTCHBACK
For you
DR. NOSTRUM
Where, you go there and you t.. I saw it, it's called...
HUTCHBACK
American Inventor
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, it's a bit of a weird idea, I mean, you just go there.. I saw this, there was this.. I mean, look, it's a laudable idea, but the presentation just sucked, which was another thing you kind of ta...
HUTCHBACK
I think we can't use the word 'sucked' in our podcast
DR. NOSTRUM
'Blew'?
HUTCHBACK
We should have a moratorium.
DR. NOSTRUM
'Blew'? Er, no, you can't use that either. Anyway...
HUTCHBACK
'Was terrible'.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, I'll just tell you anyway...
HUTCHBACK
'The idea was terrible.'
DR. NOSTRUM
No! The idea was great! But it...
HUTCHBACK
Oh. The execution was terrible?
DR. NOSTRUM
No, it wasn't an execution, look, just let me tell you, I'll just...
HUTCHBACK
Then something was terrible.
DR. NOSTRUM
Just let me tell you about it. Right. This deaf kid – it's a sad story – this deaf boy, he's 18...
HUTCHBACK
Deaf, blind...
DR. NOSTRUM
No, he's a deaf boy...
HUTCHBACK
...with no legs.
DR. NOSTRUM
...his mum's been.. and he invented legs, he came up with the idea of legs, no, his mum has been translating for him, uh, she learned sign language, right. Now he's got a family, now for - he's twenty years old – now for some reason the rest of his family never bothered to learn sign language, so his mum has been translating for him ever since he was a child.
HUTCHBACK
Right...
DR. NOSTRUM
And he's really...
HUTCHBACK
...and that's the idea.
DR. NOSTRUM
No.
HUTCHBACK
There's your idea.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, no. Let me tell you about it cos it's given me the (pause) fact that (pause) being just a thoughtful lunatic is enough, in the world. Is that, um, he has (pause) invented, uh, a little box, right, that what he wants.. he's so fed up and he's so.. he just wants to be able to communicate with people without his mum translating for him, it's very sad, you know, even in his home family. A little box that - he wears it around his neck, um, and when someone speaks it just comes up on the text, you know, what they're saying. So that's basically, you know...
HUTCHBACK
I am listening
DR. NOSTRUM
...a little translating box. Right?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
No, it's ok, and so, er, and then if he wants to say something, presumably he can tap it in and then it'll speak for him...
HUTCHBACK
Mm-hmm.
DR. NOSTRUM
...so it, you know, it, in fact, it takes the place of his mum, cos that's all his mum ever did, his mum obviously never did anything else useful in her life, but anyway... So the way he presented that invention: (pause) He didn't invent it, all he did was fucking drew it on a piece of paper (Hutchback starts laughing) He drew it, literally, he drew this thing, the same way I used to do it – there's a drawing of him, you know, someone standing with this box, and he's drawn something and the arrow to it was "comfortable handles to hold"! You know, nothing, he's got nothing!
HUTCHBACK
"You've got nothing kid!"
DR. NOSTRUM
All he's got is an idea, and they all sat there and thought "Ohh, this is great" wouldn't this be great" you know. I mean, you know? I mean why don't I.. I just think.. you could stand up there in fornt of them.. And it's just "Well, you know, I've come up with this idea, is that it turns shit into gold," right? And you have a drawing of a...
HUTCHBACK
A drawing of a turd...
DR. NOSTRUM
...of a turd...
HUTCHBACK
...and then this pipe and out comes a gold bar. Right. (imitates panel) "It's amazing!" "It's fucking amazing!"
DR. NOSTRUM
And I just thought "What kind of fucking show is that?" American Inventor? It's not American Inventor, it's just...
HUTCHBACK
American Arsehole.
DR. NOSTRUM
It's just "Person With A Thought." You know "Person With Some Idea"
HUTCHBACK
Um, "American Delusional Lunatic."
DR. NOSTRUM
"American Delusionist", or whatever. (pause) That'd be a good profession. "I'm a Delusionist."
HUTCHBACK
American Delusionist.
DR. NOSTRUM
But I've done this in the past!
HUTCHBACK
Yes...
DR. NOSTRUM
I've done this in the past and people used to laugh at me!
HUTCHBACK
...and strangely, no one made a TV programme around it.
DR. NOSTRUM
And now they do. There you are...
HUTCHBACK
See?
DR. NOSTRUM
...Cultural significance...
HUTCHBACK
See? There you go.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.
HUTCHBACK
Proving my point right from the beginning – is that the only things that are important any more are things that aren't important.
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