23/11/08
Hutchback
That could be actually what we're doing (beat) Now, look at this – Potatoes, (pause) dami.. or corn damages the environment
Dr. Nostrum
Yeah I know
Hutchback
What next? The environment damages the environment.
Dr. Nostrum (still eating crisps)
That was the old erm, (pause) It's that good thing that what were actually doing now is we're growing food for cars. So we're actually feeding cars...
Hutchback (now he's eating the crisps)
Mm
Dr. Nostrum
And they figured, oh what was it, I was actually reading this, that they, they figured it cost (pause) something like, filling up a tank of, of petrol is about a years worth of food for someone who, who doesn't eat much in Africa you know?
Hutchback
Mm (pause) so you should just ride Africans (pause) cos then it would cost less in fuel.
Dr. Nostrum
Yeah, and in fact you could pay them, and they could buy their own fuel
Hutchback
Mm
Dr. Nostrum
No, but it was saying that, you know, cleverly, cleverly we've created more equality.
Hutchback
Inequality
Dr. Nostrum
More inequality (pause) It won't last, it's not, it's not erm...
Hutchback
Ah! There you go, apparently they're revealing the secret of the universe in today's Guardian.
Dr. Nostrum
Oh, really?
Hutchback
Shall I find out what it is? (rummages through paper for it)
Dr. Nostrum
Yeah, go on. (pause) you probably have to call up a number and they, they post it to you, or something, or you have to ring in and...
Hutchback
It's one of those, you know, 80p a minute and you spend ages and ages just talking about some sort of philosophical mumbo jumbo...
Dr. Nostrum
Well, no, no, you call up and they tell you about all the great things that they've got, you know, and then press a button if you want to continue...
Hutchback
Mm
Dr. Nostrum
...and all that sort of thing
Hutchback
"For Secrets of The Universe press 1"
Dr. Nostrum
"You have been listening to..." you know, the end of the call is you have been listening to...
Hutchback
"To God"
Dr. Nostrum
...to the Secrets of, er, the meaning of life.
Hutchback
Ok, here we go (has located a supplement)
Dr. Nostrum
Is that it?
Hutchback
(puts it back) That was the wrong supplement, this one's actually about camping, I don't think the secret of the universe is about Cotswold walking equipment and clothing, but here we go (with the correct supplement) Part 1, The Universe. It's amazing actually, they've managed to uhm, condense it into 23 pages.
Dr. Nostrum
23
Hutchback
Well, there you go.
Dr. Nostrum
He would've liked that
Hutchback
But still...
Dr. Nostrum
Did you see that film?
Hutchback
No, what a terrible film it would have been.
Dr. Nostrum
It started allright, it became terrible.
Hutchback
It was just a killer film, a stupid killing film...
Dr. Nostrum
Not really, it was, it was, it was just like um, it was like a cross between (pause – thinks) Fight Club and er...
Hutchback
The Wizard of Oz
Dr. Nostrum
Nah, no, it wasn't that clever. It was.. they took the clever bit from Fight Club, which wasn't that clever in fact even in Fight Club, about someone arguing with them-self...
Hutchback
Mm
Dr. Nostrum
...and they crossed it with er, um, (pause), nothing, (pause) nothing in particular, something meaningless.
Hutchback
Driller Killer
Dr. Nostrum
Well, no, it wasn't a thriller, driller at all...
Hutchback
Wasn't it?
Dr. Nostrum
No, it was just this guy wakes up and things start going wrong and he finds this book...
Hutchback
That has all the 23 mysteries...
Dr. Nostrum
...written by, written by, this was good...
Hutchback
Written by Robert Anton Wilson
Dr. Nostrum
No, no, written by Topsy Krets...
Hutchback (ridiculing it)
Topsy, Topsy Krets!
(Dr. Nostrum laughs)
Hutchback
Yeah...
Dr. Nostrum
So, you know, that's great (pause) and anyway, this book drives him nuts
Hutchback
Written by (pause) Terry Bullpun
Dr. Nostrum
Written by Norma Stits (long pause) That was my favourite.
Hutchback
Norma Stits
Dr. Nostrum
A bit of the Two Ronnies stuff
Hutchback
No, that was um...
Together
Spike Milligan
Dr. Nostrum
Yeah, yeah, but it was in The Phantom Raspberry Blower Of London Town he always used to cast Norma Stits as er, she was on the credits as the girl who burst in
Hutchback
Still, (beat) to go back to the Secrets of The Universe (pause) I find it, er, er, quite telling...
Dr. Nostrum
How many parts?
Hutchback
...that the entire.. The, the Part 1, The Universe
Dr. Nostrum
Everything we know
Hutchback
Everything we know, in 23 pages. I guess it's everything we know that would be of interest to idiots (pause) to anyone but...
Dr. Nostrum
You don't think they pitch it...
Hutchback
...but a scientist.
Dr. Nostrum
Do you think they pitch it at Guardian readers?
Hutchback
They, yes, they are, um, clearly. (pause) Anyway, there's 6 more parts.
Dr. Nostrum
Oh! it's 7 books though...
Hutchback
Yeah
Dr. Nostrum
...so it's 7 books (pause – thinks)
Hutchback
So it's you know...
Dr. Nostrum
at 23 pages.. (can't work it out)
Hutchback
...a hundred and, a hundred and sixty pages.
(beat)
Dr. Nostrum
That's probably more than, than, more than we need to know (pause) wouldn't
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