HUTCHBACK
Yeah. (beat) Now, I've been
breaking glass recently...
DR. NOSTRUM
(sorry to hear that)
Oh.
HUTCHBACK
... Inadvertently. Two large
breakages, er, on two of our
holidays...
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh. Hmm?
HUTCHBACK
... and I'm wondering whether this
means anything.
DR. NOSTRUM
It means you're clumsy.
HUTCHBACK
Yes. It means... that's the most
obvious thing it means. I'm
wondering if it means anything
else?
DR. NOSTRUM
Isn't breaking glass a metaphor for
a new, er, new stages of life,
isn't that what it's about,
originally? That's why the, er...
HUTCHBACK
I think, Jewish, maybe...
DR. NOSTRUM
I think that's why they...
HUTCHBACK
... but not...
DR. NOSTRUM
No, cos they all said that, er, in
Russian weddings...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah?
DR. NOSTRUM
Which is kind of... weird, I didn't
know that really.
HUTCHBACK
So, I broke a window, in France.
DR. NOSTRUM
I've broke... I've broken wind.
HUTCHBACK
I broke a window, er, in a Chateau.
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, really? Bloody Hell.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah. That was quite annoying.
DR. NOSTRUM
Did you admit to it?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, of course! (laughs) No, I
drew the curtains and left!
DR. NOSTRUM
(practicing excuses)
"Well, a bird must have flown into
it."
HUTCHBACK
A small remote control aeroplane
flew into the room...
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, you could say a small bird,
well, a big bird...
HUTCHBACK
No, no no. No, it, um...
DR. NOSTRUM
"It was an Eagle, Fuckin' 'ell, I
think it was an Eagle!"
HUTCHBACK
No, it's, so I, er, I broke it just
by closing it.
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh.
HUTCHBACK
Just by closing it, you know, it;s
one of these old... It was an old
Chateau, big windows...
DR. NOSTRUM
Wasn't one of these old lead
windows was it?
HUTCHBACK
... stiff, quite stiff.
DR. NOSTRUM
14th century window?
HUTCHBACK
(miming effort)
Close, close... wham, smash!
DR. NOSTRUM
Smash? What the whole thing?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, the whole thing just went,
just... fell out. (The Dr. Is
fiddlging with the stove) What have
you done? Are you gassing us? Well,
it's appropriate.
DR. NOSTRUM
It doesn't smell bad does it?
Hutchback coughs.
DR. NOSTRUM (CONT'D)
It's not bad I think.
HUTCHBACK
Do you want... That's what they
said in the gas ovens.
DR. NOSTRUM
"Doesn't smell bad."
HUTCHBACK
"Doesn't smell bad?"
DR. NOSTRUM
"Not bad this smell." Actually,
that's been partially my week this
week. We got a new boiler put in
and unbeknownst to me, because they
didn't tell me, the company that
did it, that make the boiler, went
into liquidation on fri... er, last
friday and the boiler started
giving off these fumes. So, I call
'em up and you can't get through to
anyone...
regular British service stuff...
So, basically I had to kind of,
force them to get back to me by
suggesting that if I died, that
wouldn't be very good for anyone.
Cos I think the kind of idea is
they ignore all the calls from
people who are enraged because they
paid 'em for a new boiler just
because they've already paid them,
but they can't easily ignore a call
from someone who says their product
might kill them.
HUTCHBACK
Mm. And then glass breakage number
two...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yes?
HUTCHBACK
... was actually way better. This
is in Spain, on our second
holiday...
DR. NOSTRUM
OK
HUTCHBACK
You see, I don't need to be a
writer, I can afford two holidays a
year.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, it is good, it really is good.
Although if you're a writer, your
life is one long holiday.
HUTCHBACK
Just one where you haven't got any
money.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.
HUTCHBACK
So you can't... eat, drink, or
um... make merry.
DR. NOSTRUM
(overlapping)
Break windows
HUTCHBACK
Break windows. no, so, um, this was
quite good: We spend the whole
weekend in this flat, er, in Spain,
er, borrowed it off, er, we were...
we were lent the flat by, er...
DR. NOSTRUM
Nice flat?
HUTCHBACK
It was OK.
DR. NOSTRUM
Expensive windows?
HUTCHBACK
No, it wansn't as nice as our flat,
but, we got it for free so you
can't complain.
DR. NOSTRUM
No. Well...
HUTCHBACK
Um, well you can complain...
DR. NOSTRUM
You can.
HUTCHBACK
... but you'd be a cunt if you did.
As we know.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yep.
HUTCHBACK
Um, and then on the last day, we
were stacking up all the outside
furniture on the balcony...
DR. NOSTRUM
Right.
HUTCHBACK
... and I was moving stuff around,
and we had a big round table that
we'd been kind of putting stuff on
the whole week...
DR. NOSTRUM
Mm-hmm.
HUTCHBACK
... covered in a table cloth and I
thought, oh, OK, I'll just move
this, out the way...
DR. NOSTRUM
Right.
HUTCHBACK
... so I picked it up, like this...
DR. NOSTRUM
The big round table?
HUTCHBACK
Big round table... just shif...
DR. NOSTRUM
Made of what?
HUTCHBACK
Well, yeah...
DR. NOSTRUM
Glass?
HUTCHBACK
This is what I didn't know. So, I
just moved it half a foot, just to
move it out of the way. Let it go
and the whole thing just toppled
over... It was basically this thin,
wicker, sort of like a drum...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.
HUTCHBACK
... with this huge round piece of
glass just resting on the top.
DR. NOSTRUM
Mmm.
HUTCHBACK
Not attached. And they hadn't
thought to tell us!
DR. NOSTRUM
No, they hadn't thought to tell you
because of course everybody moves
these things around.
HUTCHBACK
Well...
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, you know...
HUTCHBACK
What, moving a table?
DR. NOSTRUM
No, I know it's good.
HUTCHBACK
That's not an unlikely event...
DR. NOSTRUM
No.
HUTCHBACK
... tables are not nailed to the
floor.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, they are in pubs aren't they.
HUTCHBACK
N... No.
DR. NOSTRUM
Though why, I'm never sure.
HUTCHBACK
They're not nailed to the floor in
pubs! What are you talking about?
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, they're bolted to the floor,
some of them are bolted to the
floor.
HUTCHBACK
Only in the lower class pubs.
DR. NOSTRUM
(big sigh)
So it went did it? Bloody Hell.
HUTCHBACK
The whole thing toppled over, but
it was this huge piece of glass
that balanced on a piece of wicker
basket that was that wide.
DR. NOSTRUM
Wow. Yeah, I understand.
HUTCHBACK
It was just totally precarious and
obviously there was no weight in
the base so any kind of... Anyway
the whole thing just went and
shattered everywhere. It was very
thick glass. And we were about to
leave for the airport.
The Dr. has a good laugh at the Hutchback's expense.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, that's how it works!
HUTCHBACK
That's always how it works?
DR. NOSTRUM
No, it is, it is how it works! M
and I in Nashville, we stayed at,
you know, the first time we're very
generously given the opportunity to
stay at the house of this record
company exec...
HUTCHBACK
And you accidentally raped the dog
on the last day!
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, no, I did that earlier, but
the, um... cos the dog, you know,
was very, er, slow and, er, mellow.
HUTCHBACK
We say rape, but we don't know
because the dog couldn't speak for
itself.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, she was consensual.
HUTCHBACK
But she couldn't speak for herself.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well she didn't say anything! She
didn't put up a, er, she didn't
complain. Anyway, er, you know the
dog was one of these sort of,
er....
HUTCHBACK
How did she behave afterwards,
though, that's the question?
DR. NOSTRUM
Cold shoulder.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Cold cunt.
HUTCHBACK
She didn't return your calls.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, she was immediately licking
herself clean. Er, what do they
call that? Creampie. She was
licking her own creampie.
HUTCHBACK
Doggie creampies. That's not good.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, but it probably exists
somewhere.
HUTCHBACK
(imagining the horror)
Ahh.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, I'm not going to look that up
on the net.
HUTCHBACK
Well, purely for research purposes.
DR. NOSTRUM
That's right, anyway, erm, the last
day we were in his house,
everything had been fine and, er,
he had old food in the fridge, so I
stuffed it down the waste disposal
and, er, including twelve eggs,
which went down the waste disposal
and then put on the dishwasher...
HUTCHBACK
Ending?
DR. NOSTRUM
... and all the sink started
filling up, water coming up,
everything coming up... turned
everything off, had to zoom down
to... and this guy's house is
spotless and he is, um, OCD...
HUTCHBACK
And he's an anal retentive...
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, he is, he's an OCD guy who,
I mean, you know, he called up
three times in the first three days
just to say where things were. I
think, I mean maybe, it was er,
quite a struggle to accept having
done this but he was really great
and he called afterwards to say
things like, um, "could you just
tell me which videos you took out
of the drawer cos I put them in a
special order." And I said "I knew
you put them in an order but I
couldn't figure out what it was."
And he said, "Oh, well, it's by the
actor...
HUTCHBACK
By ISDN number.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, but wait, it was the actor and
then the genre. So he has a Pacino
set, but each...
HUTCHBACK
Pacino, but within each Pacino
group, there's a sub-group...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, there's a sub-grouping.
HUTCHBACK
But that makes perfect sense.
DR. NOSTRUM
So... I... and meanwhile he turned
up, and the thing is, is, I
couldn't get the water down. So, he
turned up with a sink, you know,
half full...
HUTCHBACK
Full of eggs, rotten eggs...
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, eggs and the scum on the top
of the water. Well, I tried with
the Drano, I called him, I said I
don't know what to do...
HUTCHBACK
Well you can't put Drano down a
full sink.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well they make this stuff in
America that you can put down
anything. Basically, it clears
everything. But, what it was, he
says "Oh, no, you can't turn on...
you can't have both the...
HUTCHBACK
But no, you can't pour it into a
sink full of water.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, no, I was trying to make
it...
HUTCHBACK
It dilutes.
DR. NOSTRUM
They've got this really thick
stuff, I was trying to make it...
They've got this really thick heavy
stuff that goes straight through
the water...
HUTCHBACK
Oh, does it?
DR. NOSTRUM
... into the drain.
HUTCHBACK
(irony)
It's amazing what they've got in
America.
DR. NOSTRUM
And he said to me, eventually, he
said "Did you turn on the waste
disposal at the same time as having
the dishwasher on?" I said "Yes" he
said "You can't do that." Of
course.
HUTCHBACK
Of course.
DR. NOSTRUM
Cos, you know that.
HUTCHBACK
Yes.
DR. NOSTRUM
You know.
HUTCHBACK
You see, there you go.
DR. NOSTRUM
And that's the thing, you see there
is...
HUTCHBACK
They forget to tell you!
DR. NOSTRUM
And then it's ruination.
HUTCHBACK
They lend you, they loan you their
places and then, selfishly, forget
to tell you critical information.
DR. NOSTRUM
Selfishly, they just leave it hanging
that "I'm out of pocket 370
dollars."
HUTCHBACK
Yup. you got away, well, no,
actually, I think we both... I'm
out of pocket 300 Euros. About the
same.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, no, that's... he said that.
HUTCHBACK
Oh. You didn't have to pay him?
I've got to pay!
DR. NOSTRUM
No. No, I had to pay him.
HUTCHBACK
Well, then, there you go.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, not had to pay him. I paid him
half.
HUTCHBACK
For what? Oh, a plumber.
DR. NOSTRUM
Er, yeah, I paid half the plumber's
fees and I offered that, he didn't
ask, he just left it hanging. You
know, but he is connected to the
mafia, so I thought I'd better...
HUTCHBACK
I like that, an entire mafia outfit
all with OCD.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.
HUTCHBACK
Constantly, constantly checking how
many bullets they've got in the
chamber. Counting them in, counting
them out.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, I mean you could tell, I like
the guy, he's a very nice guy, when
you go into the house, with his...
he's a family guy...
HUTCHBACK
But he's not really mafia.
DR. NOSTRUM
But it's one of these things like,
all the pictures, they're all
pointing in the same direction.
HUTCHBACK
What, you mean, out from the wall?
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no no no no...
HUTCHBACK
As opposed to in towards the wall?
DR. NOSTRUM
No, I didn't get the description
right. Photographs of his family,
he's got loads of photographs of
his family and his wife and so on,
on tables and they're all...
HUTCHBACK
Oh, I see.
DR. NOSTRUM
... pointing in the same
direction...
HUTCHBACK
OK
DR. NOSTRUM
... and things like that.
HUTCHBACK
Oh, right, OK.
DR. NOSTRUM
But, very amusingly, he said, one
of the first things he said to me
was "have you heard of Tempur?"
The Hutchback laughs, this is an old joke between the Dr. and
his trusty servant, the magical and near mythical substance
Tempur having been recommended to the Hutchback by the Dr. as
a pillow, years previously, which subsequently put the Hutchback's neck out
permanently.
HUTCHBACK
Ahh.
DR. NOSTRUM
I said "Yeah."
HUTCHBACK
He said "Oh, well, my mattress is
Tempur."
DR. NOSTRUM
You're one of the only two people
in the whole of England who've been
sucked in to the whole Tempur scam.
HUTCHBACK
He says it's great, but one of the
things it does is it get's really
hot, so even in the middle of
winter you only sleep with, um, a
sheet, cos it puts out loads of
warmth, which is not something that
it actually did, but there we are.
Showing posts with label self help. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self help. Show all posts
Tuesday, 9 November 2010
Thursday, 23 September 2010
The Mission Continues!
They're back, after a year of contractual difficulties, The Dr. and Hutchback resume their journey towards the greatest Television Show never written. Thus time in Glorious Screenplayorama...
Saturday, 24 January 2009
All Talk 57 - 2009 Predictions - The Rise Of The Tramps
DR. NOSTRUM
I fear what most people will do is just roam the streets looking for food, in which case it’ll have been an advantage being a bin man cos you’d know where to look.
HUTCHBACK
So bin men will become the...
DR. NOSTRUM
The hunter-gatherers.
HUTCHBACK
...guru’s for the new age.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, no.
HUTCHBACK
They’ll be the wise..
DR. NOSTRUM
They’ll be just underneath Ray Mears.
HUTCHBACK
Alright, but they’ll be consulted, they’ll be able to charge..
DR. NOSTRUM
Now That..! No, wait a minute! That is one of the predictions that is reasonably obvious, is that people who forage will become leaders of the new age.
HUTCHBACK
Yes, absolutely.
DR. NOSTRUM
So your new age, you’re actually envisaging the Apocalypse, the complete breakdown...
TOGETHER
...of society...
DR. NOSTRUM
...So how do you make money out of it?
HUTCHBACK
...that’s a little bit extreme.. What do you mean how do you make money out of it?
DR. NOSTRUM
(poking fun at HUTCHBACK’s new catchphrase) Is it a business?
HUTCHBACK
Is it a business? I don’t.. I don’t th.. alright, it might happen but I don’t think so. I think what’s nore likely is that there are lots of people who lose their jobs, that’s clearly going to happen.. Make yourself another tea.
DR. NOSTRUM
Right, but if you could teach hunter-gatherer techniques to all these people who lose their jobs..
HUTCHBACK
Urban hunter-gatherer techniques, that would be a big boon.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, you could do it as a government scheme. For all the people who are out of work you send them on schemes...
HUTCHBACK
And you know who becomes...
DR. NOSTRUM
...to learn how to become Ray Mears.
HUTCHBACK
...No, you know who become the real figureheads, the CEO’s; Tramps. Tramps.
DR. NOSTRUM
Who’ve been doing it..
HUTCHBACK
They’ve been doing it for years! They know more than bin men. They definitely know more than bin men. So, suddenly, society gets inverted and the people at the top are Tramps.
DR. NOSTRUM
So this is our..
HUTCHBACK
So this is our second prediction: Takeover of the Tramps.
DR. NOSTRUM
Ok, we got there quicker this time. So prediction number two is that the world order is turned on its head and that Tramps become the leaders of the New Society.
HUTCHBACK
Because they have all the skills needed to survive the recession. The oncoming onslaught.
DR. NOSTRUM
Ok.
HUTCHBACK
And it’ll actually become a desirable career path for children who are growing up, you know, “Son, you really need to work hard on your foraging and your begging techniques..
DR. NOSTRUM
No, there’s no-one to beg from, so maybe it isn’t tramps?
HUTCHBACK
No, but foraging, they’ve got foraging down pat, oh yeah, rummaging through bins. Except no-one will have any rubbish...
DR. NOSTRUM
No, wait a minute...
HUTCHBACK
...there won’t be any rubbish any more, that’s the problem...
DR. NOSTRUM
...Maybe...
HUTCHBACK
...that’s where this thing falls apart...
DR. NOSTRUM
...but maybe, you know...
HUTCHBACK
...is that people won’t have anything to buy so they won’t have anything to throw away.
DR. NOSTRUM
...as a sideline to the prediction industry is the TV thing, which, is not, you know, Ray Mears Bushcraft, but, you know, Ray Mears...
TOGETHER
...Bincraft.
HUTCHBACK
Ray Mears Bincraft!
DR. NOSTRUM
And it wouldn’t be Ray Mears it would be..
HUTCHBACK
It would be, you know, Uncle Barney, or whoever...
DR. NOSTRUM
It’s a weekly TV series.
HUTCHBACK
Johnny Hull’s Bincraft.
DR. NOSTRUM
(recognising the name of the well known North of England Tramp of some repute from the dim past) There you go, Johnny Hull’s Bincraft. So even if we don’t have the correct prediction for society, we’ve got a potential television series.
HUTCHBACK
Tramp CEO’s, which actually is in the script come to think of it, but we’ve actually worked out how it could happen.
DR. NOSTRUM
No. Yeah, well, no.
HUTCHBACK
We now have a logical framework for Tramp CEO’s to exist, because before, it was just blind luck.
DR. NOSTRUM
Ok.
HUTCHBACK
Whereas now it’s perfectly logical.
DR. NOSTRUM
In this..
HUTCHBACK
In this future prediction, for there to be Tramp CEO’s.
DR. NOSTRUM
Donald Tramp.
HUTCHBACK
But what do they get paid in?
DR. NOSTRUM
Cardboard boxes.
HUTCHBACK
Cardboard boxes and rotting food.
DR. NOSTRUM
No. There’s no-one to pay them.
HUTCHBACK
No, no. They will get paid.
DR. NOSTRUM
By who?
HUTCHBACK
They’ll have..
DR. NOSTRUM
What do tramps earn?
HUTCHBACK
...they’ll have donations. They’re so important that all the under-tramps will donate some of their foraging. There, because they’re teaching them all the skills.
DR. NOSTRUM
Ok, well, as you pointed out, it’s mainly a post opalyptic, er..
HUTCHBACK
It’s post apocalyptic.
DR. NOSTRUM
...apocalyptic society.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah. So, you know, they give their..
DR. NOSTRUM
So the first prediction is the Apocalyse! (disappointedly) But lots of people have been predicting that. So, it’s not the Apocalypse, though, it’s just the re-distribution of wealth. (pause) Hmm. I think that maybe a more reasonable prediction for 2009...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, because that one is slightly unreasonable.
DR. NOSTRUM
...is that that becomes part of the curriculum.
HUTCHBACK
Tramp studies.
DR. NOSTRUM
Bincraft, I suppose.
HUTCHBACK
Bincraft
DR. NOSTRUM
Yes, Bincraft becomes part of the curriculum, as well as maths and English and all that. That seems alright for 2009, and then as it progresses...
(pause – The DR. is distracted by the sports ticker on the TV)
Sasa Papac. Sasa Papac. That’s good. He’s got an ‘a’ every other letter.
HUTCHBACK
Sasa Papac. Yes, good. It would be good if Sasa was his middle name and Asa was his first name.
I fear what most people will do is just roam the streets looking for food, in which case it’ll have been an advantage being a bin man cos you’d know where to look.
HUTCHBACK
So bin men will become the...
DR. NOSTRUM
The hunter-gatherers.
HUTCHBACK
...guru’s for the new age.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, no.
HUTCHBACK
They’ll be the wise..
DR. NOSTRUM
They’ll be just underneath Ray Mears.
HUTCHBACK
Alright, but they’ll be consulted, they’ll be able to charge..
DR. NOSTRUM
Now That..! No, wait a minute! That is one of the predictions that is reasonably obvious, is that people who forage will become leaders of the new age.
HUTCHBACK
Yes, absolutely.
DR. NOSTRUM
So your new age, you’re actually envisaging the Apocalypse, the complete breakdown...
TOGETHER
...of society...
DR. NOSTRUM
...So how do you make money out of it?
HUTCHBACK
...that’s a little bit extreme.. What do you mean how do you make money out of it?
DR. NOSTRUM
(poking fun at HUTCHBACK’s new catchphrase) Is it a business?
HUTCHBACK
Is it a business? I don’t.. I don’t th.. alright, it might happen but I don’t think so. I think what’s nore likely is that there are lots of people who lose their jobs, that’s clearly going to happen.. Make yourself another tea.
DR. NOSTRUM
Right, but if you could teach hunter-gatherer techniques to all these people who lose their jobs..
HUTCHBACK
Urban hunter-gatherer techniques, that would be a big boon.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, you could do it as a government scheme. For all the people who are out of work you send them on schemes...
HUTCHBACK
And you know who becomes...
DR. NOSTRUM
...to learn how to become Ray Mears.
HUTCHBACK
...No, you know who become the real figureheads, the CEO’s; Tramps. Tramps.
DR. NOSTRUM
Who’ve been doing it..
HUTCHBACK
They’ve been doing it for years! They know more than bin men. They definitely know more than bin men. So, suddenly, society gets inverted and the people at the top are Tramps.
DR. NOSTRUM
So this is our..
HUTCHBACK
So this is our second prediction: Takeover of the Tramps.
DR. NOSTRUM
Ok, we got there quicker this time. So prediction number two is that the world order is turned on its head and that Tramps become the leaders of the New Society.
HUTCHBACK
Because they have all the skills needed to survive the recession. The oncoming onslaught.
DR. NOSTRUM
Ok.
HUTCHBACK
And it’ll actually become a desirable career path for children who are growing up, you know, “Son, you really need to work hard on your foraging and your begging techniques..
DR. NOSTRUM
No, there’s no-one to beg from, so maybe it isn’t tramps?
HUTCHBACK
No, but foraging, they’ve got foraging down pat, oh yeah, rummaging through bins. Except no-one will have any rubbish...
DR. NOSTRUM
No, wait a minute...
HUTCHBACK
...there won’t be any rubbish any more, that’s the problem...
DR. NOSTRUM
...Maybe...
HUTCHBACK
...that’s where this thing falls apart...
DR. NOSTRUM
...but maybe, you know...
HUTCHBACK
...is that people won’t have anything to buy so they won’t have anything to throw away.
DR. NOSTRUM
...as a sideline to the prediction industry is the TV thing, which, is not, you know, Ray Mears Bushcraft, but, you know, Ray Mears...
TOGETHER
...Bincraft.
HUTCHBACK
Ray Mears Bincraft!
DR. NOSTRUM
And it wouldn’t be Ray Mears it would be..
HUTCHBACK
It would be, you know, Uncle Barney, or whoever...
DR. NOSTRUM
It’s a weekly TV series.
HUTCHBACK
Johnny Hull’s Bincraft.
DR. NOSTRUM
(recognising the name of the well known North of England Tramp of some repute from the dim past) There you go, Johnny Hull’s Bincraft. So even if we don’t have the correct prediction for society, we’ve got a potential television series.
HUTCHBACK
Tramp CEO’s, which actually is in the script come to think of it, but we’ve actually worked out how it could happen.
DR. NOSTRUM
No. Yeah, well, no.
HUTCHBACK
We now have a logical framework for Tramp CEO’s to exist, because before, it was just blind luck.
DR. NOSTRUM
Ok.
HUTCHBACK
Whereas now it’s perfectly logical.
DR. NOSTRUM
In this..
HUTCHBACK
In this future prediction, for there to be Tramp CEO’s.
DR. NOSTRUM
Donald Tramp.
HUTCHBACK
But what do they get paid in?
DR. NOSTRUM
Cardboard boxes.
HUTCHBACK
Cardboard boxes and rotting food.
DR. NOSTRUM
No. There’s no-one to pay them.
HUTCHBACK
No, no. They will get paid.
DR. NOSTRUM
By who?
HUTCHBACK
They’ll have..
DR. NOSTRUM
What do tramps earn?
HUTCHBACK
...they’ll have donations. They’re so important that all the under-tramps will donate some of their foraging. There, because they’re teaching them all the skills.
DR. NOSTRUM
Ok, well, as you pointed out, it’s mainly a post opalyptic, er..
HUTCHBACK
It’s post apocalyptic.
DR. NOSTRUM
...apocalyptic society.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah. So, you know, they give their..
DR. NOSTRUM
So the first prediction is the Apocalyse! (disappointedly) But lots of people have been predicting that. So, it’s not the Apocalypse, though, it’s just the re-distribution of wealth. (pause) Hmm. I think that maybe a more reasonable prediction for 2009...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, because that one is slightly unreasonable.
DR. NOSTRUM
...is that that becomes part of the curriculum.
HUTCHBACK
Tramp studies.
DR. NOSTRUM
Bincraft, I suppose.
HUTCHBACK
Bincraft
DR. NOSTRUM
Yes, Bincraft becomes part of the curriculum, as well as maths and English and all that. That seems alright for 2009, and then as it progresses...
(pause – The DR. is distracted by the sports ticker on the TV)
Sasa Papac. Sasa Papac. That’s good. He’s got an ‘a’ every other letter.
HUTCHBACK
Sasa Papac. Yes, good. It would be good if Sasa was his middle name and Asa was his first name.
Sunday, 18 January 2009
All Talk 53 - A Gap In The Murder Business
DR. NOSTRUM
So, your idea for a Dragon’s Den business is good, you know, murdering.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
I like it, he comes in with someone and he murders them, you know, he kills them, the panel say “Well, it’s very efficient, it’s quite good.” And he says “Well, I can do a lot of it.”
HUTCHBACK
Yeah “But what kind of annual turnover do you think you can get out of that?” “Well, I reckon I could charge 10 grand...”
DR. NOSTRUM
Mm
HUTCHBACK
“...10 grand’s a reasonable amount for a murder, depending on the, you know, er, the difficulty, maybe up to 30. I reckon I could do one a night, maybe two a night.”
DR. NOSTRUM
I like your two-fer, you know, 9 and you get the 10th one free.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, and then, “Yeah, we have a loyalty scheme. If someone has had me murder 9 people, you get the 10th one free.”
DR. NOSTRUM
Or if you do a family?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, “If you do a big family, we’ll...
DR. NOSTRUM
..throw in the Grandma
HUTCHBACK
...throw in the children.” Yeah, “throw in the Grandma.”
DR. NOSTRUM
We’ve got, er...
HUTCHBACK
“Maybe witnesses?”
DR. NOSTRUM
There’s that thing, you know, having watched the programme, one of the things the really don’t like is when they ask them weel, what is the money for? You know, they ask them to break down the money and he says “Well, you know I’d want 30 grand out of that for me..” and they hate that and they’re “So you want me to pay you, just to pay you to live? I’m not putting any money into the business...”
HUTCHBACK
What about the marketing?
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah all that, “I hate that selfishness in people, you want to take my money, my children’s money...” That fucking Theo Paphites, yeah, I’m sure he’s giving his children money every saying “This is your money that I’m not giving to people on Dragon’s Den.”
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, they’re saying “So you’re not putting any money into your equipment, you know, you’re starting off with a knife. How much volume can you get with that? Surely you want to be expanding your operation, going into machine guns...”
DR. NOSTRUM
Taking on apprentices.
HUTCHBACK
...yeah, “taking on staff...”
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, for the British market, those business ideas are good...
HUTCHBACK
“How are you going to franchise it? You need to franchise it out” We want to be able to get the hat, the bag...
DR. NOSTRUM
You know, the person that’s pitching, you’d pixilated their face. You’d do it properly. Re-animating dead people’s not a bad one.
HUTCHBACK
Hmm.
DR. NOSTRUM
It’s not a business idea though. Murdering’s a good business idea.
HUTCHBACK
It’s good.
DR. NOSTRUM
Assassins. It’s a business.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah. “But rather than just being a hired murderer, we’re intending to give a full service. 24 hour hotline...” you know all that.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.
HUTCHBACK
“Money back guarantee, service with a smile.”
DR. NOSTRUM
Mm.
HUTCHBACK
I reckon that would be quite a good business.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, I think it is a good business. Probably, it is a good business.
HUTCHBACK
Sure.
DR. NOSTRUM
What other businesses are there like that? Whore house I s’pose?
HUTCHBACK
Prostitution, yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Porn films?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well bringing someone on and murdering them’s a good pitch. “I enjoyed your presentation.”
HUTCHBACK
“It was a very arresting presentation.”
DR. NOSTRUM
“We like you as a person.”
HUTCHBACK
Yeah. “I’d hire you, but I don’t think your projections are in any way realistic. How you think you can value your business at 2 million pounds is beyond me. Go away, do your sums, kill a few more people, get a bit better at it...”
DR. NOSTRUM
Some publicity.
HUTCHBACK
“...get your advertising right, then come back.” “You’re telling me people aren’t just going to go out and murder their own victims, see, that’s where it all falls apart.”
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, “Why should they come to you?”
HUTCHBACK
“Why should they come to you? Surely any murderous thug would go out and kill their own victim?”
DR. NOSTRUM
Mm. It is cheaper. But there are pitfalls. So, you know, that’s probably one of the advantages of the business, if you can point out how you keep the identity of the client completely anonymous...
HUTCHBACK
Mm
DR. NOSTRUM
“Oh, no, it works, because we don’t know the identity of the client.” That probably would be a good idea, in terms of murdering, if you don’t know who’s asking you to kill someone. Why don’t they do that in films? That’s where it always falls down, that the murderer knows who it is who’s hired them.
HUTCHBACK
No, that isn’t where it falls down. It falls down because usually the person being murdered has some connection with the person doing the murdering.
DR. NOSTRUM
But, what if you set up a business for just random murders?
HUTCHBACK
Random murders?! Just go out and murder someone just for fun? Just for fun? Yeah, that would work, but, a bit pointless really. It’s like, basically, “Are you a homicidal maniac? Yes? To scared to do your own murder, then come to us. We’ll do it for you. We’ll kill a random person...
DR. NOSTRUM
That’s right.
HUTCHBACK
...and it will never get back to you. We’ll just send you the video”.
DR. NOSTRUM
That’s probably a business.
HUTCHBACK
And that’s your business.
DR. NOSTRUM
See, that’s an advance on Assassination and it’s quite current.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
You present it as a vicarious pleasure business.
HUTCHBACK
Mm. Mm.
DR. NOSTRUM
I’m not sure about posting the video to someone. I think you’d probably want to leave it. No, but they’d want to know you did it.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Otherwise you could just sit there with the money.
HUTCHBACK
No, you could just put it up on YouTube.
DR. NOSTRUM
YouTube? That’s alright.
HUTCHBACK
Perfect.
DR. NOSTRUM
And if you cut at the right moment, there’s nothing criminal about it.
HUTCHBACK
(witheringly) Except the person on the video then was found dead somewhere.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, but that’s alright. Well, no, I suppose it’s not alright.
HUTCHBACK
(mimicking) “That’s alright, we can get around that.” No, well, what you do then, is get some other random person to put the video up on YouTube, via another random person. So you’re just paying someone to pay someone to put a video up on YouTube. And they don’t know what the video’s of.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, but I remember Inspector Quantum saying that, apart from the most important thing in Homeland Security being the quality of the Airbed you’ve got, all that jealousy going on in Homeland Security about whether you’ve got a foot-pump or a compressor for you air bed..
HUTCHBACK
Well, it’s very important.
DR. NOSTRUM
It is very important, when you’re trying to keep peace in the world. It’s either terrifying or very reassuring to think that the people trying to kill us are the same as Inspector Quantum, I’m not sure which. Anyway, no, random murdering, he was saying that that is where it falls down, that mostly they know, people know the people they kill...
HUTCHBACK
Mm.
DR. NOSTRUM
...and it’s easier to catch them because of that. But if you don’t know who you’re hiring and you don’t know who they’re killing, that is not bad. That’s not a bad premise for a business.
HUTCHBACK
I think we’ve got a business there.
So, your idea for a Dragon’s Den business is good, you know, murdering.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
I like it, he comes in with someone and he murders them, you know, he kills them, the panel say “Well, it’s very efficient, it’s quite good.” And he says “Well, I can do a lot of it.”
HUTCHBACK
Yeah “But what kind of annual turnover do you think you can get out of that?” “Well, I reckon I could charge 10 grand...”
DR. NOSTRUM
Mm
HUTCHBACK
“...10 grand’s a reasonable amount for a murder, depending on the, you know, er, the difficulty, maybe up to 30. I reckon I could do one a night, maybe two a night.”
DR. NOSTRUM
I like your two-fer, you know, 9 and you get the 10th one free.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, and then, “Yeah, we have a loyalty scheme. If someone has had me murder 9 people, you get the 10th one free.”
DR. NOSTRUM
Or if you do a family?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, “If you do a big family, we’ll...
DR. NOSTRUM
..throw in the Grandma
HUTCHBACK
...throw in the children.” Yeah, “throw in the Grandma.”
DR. NOSTRUM
We’ve got, er...
HUTCHBACK
“Maybe witnesses?”
DR. NOSTRUM
There’s that thing, you know, having watched the programme, one of the things the really don’t like is when they ask them weel, what is the money for? You know, they ask them to break down the money and he says “Well, you know I’d want 30 grand out of that for me..” and they hate that and they’re “So you want me to pay you, just to pay you to live? I’m not putting any money into the business...”
HUTCHBACK
What about the marketing?
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah all that, “I hate that selfishness in people, you want to take my money, my children’s money...” That fucking Theo Paphites, yeah, I’m sure he’s giving his children money every saying “This is your money that I’m not giving to people on Dragon’s Den.”
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, they’re saying “So you’re not putting any money into your equipment, you know, you’re starting off with a knife. How much volume can you get with that? Surely you want to be expanding your operation, going into machine guns...”
DR. NOSTRUM
Taking on apprentices.
HUTCHBACK
...yeah, “taking on staff...”
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, for the British market, those business ideas are good...
HUTCHBACK
“How are you going to franchise it? You need to franchise it out” We want to be able to get the hat, the bag...
DR. NOSTRUM
You know, the person that’s pitching, you’d pixilated their face. You’d do it properly. Re-animating dead people’s not a bad one.
HUTCHBACK
Hmm.
DR. NOSTRUM
It’s not a business idea though. Murdering’s a good business idea.
HUTCHBACK
It’s good.
DR. NOSTRUM
Assassins. It’s a business.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah. “But rather than just being a hired murderer, we’re intending to give a full service. 24 hour hotline...” you know all that.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.
HUTCHBACK
“Money back guarantee, service with a smile.”
DR. NOSTRUM
Mm.
HUTCHBACK
I reckon that would be quite a good business.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, I think it is a good business. Probably, it is a good business.
HUTCHBACK
Sure.
DR. NOSTRUM
What other businesses are there like that? Whore house I s’pose?
HUTCHBACK
Prostitution, yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Porn films?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well bringing someone on and murdering them’s a good pitch. “I enjoyed your presentation.”
HUTCHBACK
“It was a very arresting presentation.”
DR. NOSTRUM
“We like you as a person.”
HUTCHBACK
Yeah. “I’d hire you, but I don’t think your projections are in any way realistic. How you think you can value your business at 2 million pounds is beyond me. Go away, do your sums, kill a few more people, get a bit better at it...”
DR. NOSTRUM
Some publicity.
HUTCHBACK
“...get your advertising right, then come back.” “You’re telling me people aren’t just going to go out and murder their own victims, see, that’s where it all falls apart.”
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, “Why should they come to you?”
HUTCHBACK
“Why should they come to you? Surely any murderous thug would go out and kill their own victim?”
DR. NOSTRUM
Mm. It is cheaper. But there are pitfalls. So, you know, that’s probably one of the advantages of the business, if you can point out how you keep the identity of the client completely anonymous...
HUTCHBACK
Mm
DR. NOSTRUM
“Oh, no, it works, because we don’t know the identity of the client.” That probably would be a good idea, in terms of murdering, if you don’t know who’s asking you to kill someone. Why don’t they do that in films? That’s where it always falls down, that the murderer knows who it is who’s hired them.
HUTCHBACK
No, that isn’t where it falls down. It falls down because usually the person being murdered has some connection with the person doing the murdering.
DR. NOSTRUM
But, what if you set up a business for just random murders?
HUTCHBACK
Random murders?! Just go out and murder someone just for fun? Just for fun? Yeah, that would work, but, a bit pointless really. It’s like, basically, “Are you a homicidal maniac? Yes? To scared to do your own murder, then come to us. We’ll do it for you. We’ll kill a random person...
DR. NOSTRUM
That’s right.
HUTCHBACK
...and it will never get back to you. We’ll just send you the video”.
DR. NOSTRUM
That’s probably a business.
HUTCHBACK
And that’s your business.
DR. NOSTRUM
See, that’s an advance on Assassination and it’s quite current.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
You present it as a vicarious pleasure business.
HUTCHBACK
Mm. Mm.
DR. NOSTRUM
I’m not sure about posting the video to someone. I think you’d probably want to leave it. No, but they’d want to know you did it.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Otherwise you could just sit there with the money.
HUTCHBACK
No, you could just put it up on YouTube.
DR. NOSTRUM
YouTube? That’s alright.
HUTCHBACK
Perfect.
DR. NOSTRUM
And if you cut at the right moment, there’s nothing criminal about it.
HUTCHBACK
(witheringly) Except the person on the video then was found dead somewhere.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, but that’s alright. Well, no, I suppose it’s not alright.
HUTCHBACK
(mimicking) “That’s alright, we can get around that.” No, well, what you do then, is get some other random person to put the video up on YouTube, via another random person. So you’re just paying someone to pay someone to put a video up on YouTube. And they don’t know what the video’s of.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, but I remember Inspector Quantum saying that, apart from the most important thing in Homeland Security being the quality of the Airbed you’ve got, all that jealousy going on in Homeland Security about whether you’ve got a foot-pump or a compressor for you air bed..
HUTCHBACK
Well, it’s very important.
DR. NOSTRUM
It is very important, when you’re trying to keep peace in the world. It’s either terrifying or very reassuring to think that the people trying to kill us are the same as Inspector Quantum, I’m not sure which. Anyway, no, random murdering, he was saying that that is where it falls down, that mostly they know, people know the people they kill...
HUTCHBACK
Mm.
DR. NOSTRUM
...and it’s easier to catch them because of that. But if you don’t know who you’re hiring and you don’t know who they’re killing, that is not bad. That’s not a bad premise for a business.
HUTCHBACK
I think we’ve got a business there.
Dr Nostrum’s Fuck You Paul McKenna Second Portion Blues
I have been tuning in to I CAN MAKE YOU THIN with Paul McKenna. Is it just me or does watching this programme make you hungry?
Somewhere in the last five years Paul McKenna has become a TV Carpet Salesman, and fulfills the American generic by talking loudly and over-excitedly, over-emoting whenever possible. It looks like pastiche, but I believe he has brainwashed himself into believing this is how you present American TV. What he's doing, of course, was invented by my great grand-daddy, who used to sell the family potion off the back of wagons.
There are several staggering contradictions in this program's hour that just will not go away, along with the pervading sense of cheapness that riddles the broadcast, plastered in to the UK schedule lock, stock and barrel off the American airwaves.
The most annoying of these is the near constant reminder from Paul that this is not one of those shows where we (the TV audience) watch other people get thin, immediately followed by introducing us to other people who have lost weight or who we are going to be following losing weight across the series. He does this so many times I can only conclude that he will soon be running for Prime Minister. But anyway, everyone we meet who has lost weight "LOOKS GREAT!!"
The second is down to automaton scheduled advertising where we get Diets sold to us in the ad breaks straight after Paul tells us Diets don't work. I mean you have to be tuning in to Paul McKenna on purpose, right, or at least stick with it on purpose, so whatever demographic it is that the automatons think would purchase one of these Diet products, I'd like to meet them and sell them George Bush's soul - you can keep it in your pocket and use it like worry beads.
There is a grain of usefulness in the show misapplied if it does what it says on the tin. It is a 'not a distraction technique' to help you stabilise the emotions that make you eat when you don't want to, in audience tests it reduces the craving to eat when in an highly emotional state from a 10 to 0. I tried doing it with him, but found it very distracting and couldn't follow what he was showing me. BUT, if this works, what are they doing using it on over-eaters? This should be used on murderers, rapist, paedophiles and genocidists. If only Stalin had sat in the Kremlin and tapped himself calm...
The last contradiction is the clincher, and, properly, it comes first because it's the legal disclaimer that's read out in American blandese ahead of the show and shown for a few seconds at the end. It includes the truths that "results will vary" and that "the program is for entertainment only".
Read that again, because it defines Paul McKenna; entertainment from misery.
So there we have it, another programme that tells people who have forgotten how to behave, how to behave - you know - like religion.
As it was he's making me miserable because being one of those 'naturally thin' people he keeps mentioning (that is, when I don't over-eat for ages or exercise for weeks) I never worry about food, so there I was tucking into my FUCK YOU Paul McKenna second portion when I started chewing my food 20 times and thinking about whether I was full. I couldn't clean my plate and this immediately brought on strong feelings of annoyance and guilt at having watched the Paul McKenna show and subsequently wasting my hard earned on food I was about to throw in the bin.
This life is for entertainment purposes only.
Somewhere in the last five years Paul McKenna has become a TV Carpet Salesman, and fulfills the American generic by talking loudly and over-excitedly, over-emoting whenever possible. It looks like pastiche, but I believe he has brainwashed himself into believing this is how you present American TV. What he's doing, of course, was invented by my great grand-daddy, who used to sell the family potion off the back of wagons.
There are several staggering contradictions in this program's hour that just will not go away, along with the pervading sense of cheapness that riddles the broadcast, plastered in to the UK schedule lock, stock and barrel off the American airwaves.
The most annoying of these is the near constant reminder from Paul that this is not one of those shows where we (the TV audience) watch other people get thin, immediately followed by introducing us to other people who have lost weight or who we are going to be following losing weight across the series. He does this so many times I can only conclude that he will soon be running for Prime Minister. But anyway, everyone we meet who has lost weight "LOOKS GREAT!!"
The second is down to automaton scheduled advertising where we get Diets sold to us in the ad breaks straight after Paul tells us Diets don't work. I mean you have to be tuning in to Paul McKenna on purpose, right, or at least stick with it on purpose, so whatever demographic it is that the automatons think would purchase one of these Diet products, I'd like to meet them and sell them George Bush's soul - you can keep it in your pocket and use it like worry beads.
There is a grain of usefulness in the show misapplied if it does what it says on the tin. It is a 'not a distraction technique' to help you stabilise the emotions that make you eat when you don't want to, in audience tests it reduces the craving to eat when in an highly emotional state from a 10 to 0. I tried doing it with him, but found it very distracting and couldn't follow what he was showing me. BUT, if this works, what are they doing using it on over-eaters? This should be used on murderers, rapist, paedophiles and genocidists. If only Stalin had sat in the Kremlin and tapped himself calm...
The last contradiction is the clincher, and, properly, it comes first because it's the legal disclaimer that's read out in American blandese ahead of the show and shown for a few seconds at the end. It includes the truths that "results will vary" and that "the program is for entertainment only".
Read that again, because it defines Paul McKenna; entertainment from misery.
So there we have it, another programme that tells people who have forgotten how to behave, how to behave - you know - like religion.
As it was he's making me miserable because being one of those 'naturally thin' people he keeps mentioning (that is, when I don't over-eat for ages or exercise for weeks) I never worry about food, so there I was tucking into my FUCK YOU Paul McKenna second portion when I started chewing my food 20 times and thinking about whether I was full. I couldn't clean my plate and this immediately brought on strong feelings of annoyance and guilt at having watched the Paul McKenna show and subsequently wasting my hard earned on food I was about to throw in the bin.
This life is for entertainment purposes only.
Daily Mail Promotes A Total Waste Of Reader’s Money (no, not just the cover price)
Hutchback often buys The Daily Mail instead of Toilet paper, it works out dearer but does the world a charitable service. Anyway, I had to stop mid wipe today at the full page con, er, ad on page 78 which promises riches too good to miss out on by buying a book of tips, which offers the chance to be let in on deep secrets previously only known to the Masons and Royal Families of Europe.
But Dr. Nostrum will save you some hard earned on a few of the key tip teasers by filling in the blanks. I'll answer the first 3 as advertised and then two random favourites.
"Cut your heating and electric bills by hundreds of pounds each year." - there are many ways to do this - commit any crime, go to jail and have HMS pay for it for you; turn off all your heating and electric for 9 months; become a member of Parliament; buy a Utility company; kill yourself.
"Learn how many ways you can use baking soda, vinegar, wax, salt, milk, potatoes and alcohol." - there are 5040 ways, although, interestingly, combining all ingredients gives you a very sticky vodka.
"Drive down your car repair bills and make your old car run like new. Discover dozens of secrets that your car mechanic doesn't want you to know." - lay all your car repair bills in a line on a slight hill and drive down it; replace every mechanical component in your old car with new mechanical components; all the secrets your car mechanic doesn't want you to know involve him sleeping with your wife.
"Surefire steps you can take to save money every time you shop." - forget to take your wallet; shoplift; buy incrementally less each time.
"This ultra-cheap household liquid will clean your cooking pots, your windows, grout stains and mildew." - urine.
"A surefire way to discourage your neighbour's dog from invading your garden." - kill your neighbour's dog.
The very strange "Cure Ear Mites with this type of oil." - this is a trick, all ear mites are healthy.
To wrap up, I'll just take half of one of the tips: "...And the one thing you should never do." - buy this book.
But Dr. Nostrum will save you some hard earned on a few of the key tip teasers by filling in the blanks. I'll answer the first 3 as advertised and then two random favourites.
"Cut your heating and electric bills by hundreds of pounds each year." - there are many ways to do this - commit any crime, go to jail and have HMS pay for it for you; turn off all your heating and electric for 9 months; become a member of Parliament; buy a Utility company; kill yourself.
"Learn how many ways you can use baking soda, vinegar, wax, salt, milk, potatoes and alcohol." - there are 5040 ways, although, interestingly, combining all ingredients gives you a very sticky vodka.
"Drive down your car repair bills and make your old car run like new. Discover dozens of secrets that your car mechanic doesn't want you to know." - lay all your car repair bills in a line on a slight hill and drive down it; replace every mechanical component in your old car with new mechanical components; all the secrets your car mechanic doesn't want you to know involve him sleeping with your wife.
"Surefire steps you can take to save money every time you shop." - forget to take your wallet; shoplift; buy incrementally less each time.
"This ultra-cheap household liquid will clean your cooking pots, your windows, grout stains and mildew." - urine.
"A surefire way to discourage your neighbour's dog from invading your garden." - kill your neighbour's dog.
The very strange "Cure Ear Mites with this type of oil." - this is a trick, all ear mites are healthy.
To wrap up, I'll just take half of one of the tips: "...And the one thing you should never do." - buy this book.
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