They re-enter the dungeon. We miss some of the conversation,
then...
HUTCHBACK (CONT'D)
How do you write things together?
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, you just say stuff...
HUTCHBACK
No, surely you want to write it?
DR. NOSTRUM
No! Well, not at the moment you're
talking about it. I told you, I
found this, this is what I found in
the, um, that Peter Cook book, is
that this is how they wrote all
their sketches, they just talked
and then they typed it up and
that's all they did, so we might as
well do that, why not?
HUTCHBACK
Alright.
DR. NOSTRUM
That's what I did before, you know.
HUTCHBACK
OK, well, fair enough.
DR. NOSTRUM
So, it starts with, um...
HUTCHBACK
If you want to type it all up,
that's great. (Hutchback laughs,
then suddenly business-like). OK.
So, where are we? We have... OK so
we don't start with any... we don't
need any...
DR. NOSTRUM
No, we don't need an episode.
HUTCHBACK
... episode. We don't really need
any, er, scenes, it's just...
DR. NOSTRUM
It's the whole thing.
HUTCHBACK
... what happens.
DR. NOSTRUM
The whole thing.
HUTCHBACK
OK, so...
DR. NOSTRUM
It's effectively, starting to say
like, "Green is... an out of
work...
HUTCHBACK
Cunt.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well...
HUTCHBACK
TV Drama Producer.
DR. NOSTRUM
... we have got that first thing,
which is already on the Dr. Nostrum
Blogradigm.
HUTCHBACK
Alright, well I'll tell you what we
should do then, just...
DR. NOSTRUM
We can print that out at least and
refer to it.
Huge feedback occurs in The Dr's recording device as he turns
his recorder on.
DR. NOSTRUM (CONT'D)
(yells as his ears are
hammered)
O-Ahheey! (he turns it down) Fuck
off!
HUTCHBACK
I need power!
DR. NOSTRUM
(to himself)
It's cos I had the monitor on, I
want the monitor off.
The Hutchback goes to find power and see if he can drum up
earlier scribbling's but comes back empty handed, he's lost
them, so asks the Dr. if he has a copy of their first ideas
for their Meisterwerk.
DR. NOSTRUM (CONT'D)
I can't remember if I printed it
out, I think I did actually print
it out or uploaded it somewhere.
Let me see if I can find it, the
thing...
HUTCHBACK
I can't believe we've lost those.
How did you lose them?
DR. NOSTRUM
I don't know. I think it's because
in my exchange from PC to, er, that
little Sony PC, I think they've all
gone, they may be... I just can't
find 'em, they may be on a disk
where I downloaded everything, you
know, whaddaya call them? An off...
What do you call it?
HUTCHBACK
(ignoring the Dr)
So we don't need to break it down
into episodes, but...
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no. Not at all. We, we... if we
can think of it, we'll mention it,
you know, we'll just talk about it,
what it's gonna be, something
funny, what happens when, when
things happen. I just said to Rat
that, you know, we'll do something
and then I'll send it to him and
then just he said "Any help you
need let me know." And I said,
"Does that include writing it?"
They laugh.
HUTCHBACK
"Does that include doing all the
heavy lifting?"
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no. I said "Does that include
sitting in on a writing session?"
But what I said was that we hadn't
talked about it for a few months so
I wasn't thinking that he'd
immediately want to sit down and,
um, have a go at it, cos I kind of
imagined what we'd be doing anyway,
which is pretty much what we've
done, which is nothing. So, er, I
didn't think that was the best way
to start with somebody who doesn't
know us. Cos at some point you want
to do something, even though... it
causes issues. So if we can just
get the Blogradigm thing and print
it out. Have you got a printer?
HUTCHBACK
No.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, we can just look at it...
HUTCHBACK
(overlapping)
Just look at it.
DR. NOSTRUM
... let's look at it.
HUTCHBACK
Well, um, I'll bring it up on here,
we can have a double monitor.
What, you've got the whole thing
written in Dr. Nostrum?
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. It's blog... blog...
HUTCHBACK
No, I've got it in the email. I've
got the email that you, um.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, I changed it.
HUTCHBACK
(reading the email)
"Green is a once famous and
successful drama TV producer...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, but I changed it a bit. I
added more. Well, actually I'm not
sure, cos I did change, yeah, yeah
I did, I expanded on it, cos I
expanded the actual writing of C
Au. but we'll do that more.
HUTCHBACK
But the thing is, you said, as
you've said, we need to bring in C.
A. much earlier.
DR. NOSTRUM
Not yet. We don't have to do that
yet. I'm just saying that what we
are doing is fine and then if we
are advised to change what we're
doing then we will, but... at the
moment let's just do what we're
doing cos people like it. That's
what I thin, that's why it's not a
problem. It's not a problem not
knowing what the hell we're doing.
Wait until someone tells you, what
you said; "No, that won't happen.
That won't happen." At the moment
no-one's said that.
All that's someone said is "Half
the people will want to kill you
and half the people will want to
give you awards." That was the
comment I liked best, what it was
actually was that "They're all Jews
and half of them will want to kill
you and half of them will want to
give you awards."
HUTCHBACK
(looking online)
How do you... I can't see any of
the earlier blogs.
DR. NOSTRUM
There's a thing.
HUTCHBACK
Oh, there.
DR. NOSTRUM
There's a thing somewhere, I don't
know when it was, it wasn't that
long ago, it was like, last month.
HUTCHBACK
(reading)
TACOT, they're all cunts out there.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, it wasn't...
HUTCHBACK
Here. I've got it. I've got it.
"Green is a once famous successful
TV Drama producer..."
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. So if we...
HUTCHBACK
OK. So. OK, should we... OK, so
let's just read through...
DR. NOSTRUM
... and then make it bigger.
HUTCHBACK
... each chunk.
DR. NOSTRUM
And see if there's things to add
HUTCHBACK
(overlapping)
And see if there's anything to add.
DR. NOSTRUM
That's it, so...
HUTCHBACK
So. I'll read it out. "Green is a
once famous and successful drama TV
producer...
DR. NOSTRUM
(looking on his computer)
Well where is it? I haven't got it
now.
HUTCHBACK
No, but you can just start...
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, I need to look at it. I
need to look at it. Where... What
date is it?
HUTCHBACK
Just, just...
DR. NOSTRUM
What month, nine?
HUTCHBACK
No, I just went to 'older'
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, OK. I'm doing it now. I'm doing
it... OK... Oh, no, it's not doing
it... (sounds of frustration)
Uuuaahr!...
HUTCHBACK
(carrying on hesitantly)
"He's offered a small job in
reality TV...
DR. NOSTRUM
(overlapping)
No. No, no, no! Aach, God! "Older"
there you go, "Older"
HUTCHBACK
"He hates it with a passion and
hates the life that's forced him to
take the job." OK, so...
DR. NOSTRUM
Character. But more. Just more,
that's all!
HUTCHBACK
OK, so, what we need to add is... I
think that we should show him
actually doing... doing a show.
Like, you need to show how shit his
life is...
DR. NOSTRUM
OK
HUTCHBACK
... how meaningless. You need to
set up, I think you need to set up
some kind of... Also you need to
show that he was someone quite big
somehow...
DR. NOSTRUM
(overlapping)
Yeah!
HUTCHBACK
... so, perhaps that could be...
DR. NOSTRUM
But that could just be a comment...
HUTCHBACK
... yes, a reference...
DR. NOSTRUM
... at an awards ceremony.
HUTCHBACK
... a reference, or someone needs
to "Oh, didn't he... Didn't he used
to be..." you know.
DR. NOSTRUM
There's a... I thought of... since
what happened to me, meeting this
guy Rat, I actually thought that
some of these... all these things
where people meet each other, you
know, all these places where
comments happen, all these parties,
I thought they could be
Barmitzvah's.
HUTCHBACK
They're all Barmitzvah's.
DR. NOSTRUM
They're all Barmitzvah's. Is
that... that Green is dragged along
to, because we're on the journey,
that's part of his journey, so the
Barmitzvah of his son who he can't
s... you know, his son...
HUTCHBACK
Maybe...
DR. NOSTRUM
So that's possible?
HUTCHBACK
Maybe. I don't think we should make
it too Jewish.
DR. NOSTRUM
No. Well, they're not really Jewish
things anymore, I think that's
another thing, is that there's
probably something in that, you
know, that in his Barmitzvah you've
got, I don't know, something else,
you know?
HUTCHBACK
OK, so he's making this really,
fucking... we need to find the most
mundane, derivative, predictable,
boring, Reality TV show.
DR. NOSTRUM
"That's My Dog."
HUTCHBACK
No, no. It would... it would be
involving z-list celebrities...
DR. NOSTRUM
(thinking cap on)
OK.
HUTCHBACK
... they would be in some place
together, doing, sort of,
something...
DR. NOSTRUM
And has that happened yet? When we
start the whole thing that we want
to start, don't we start it from
the fact that he isn't doing
anything at all? I think that's the
thing, he's not doing anything at
all and he's forced to take a job
making these kind of shows, because
his wife...
HUTCHBACK
(overlapping)
OK. OK, alright, yeah that's
fine...
DR. NOSTRUM
... is driving him nuts.
HUTCHBACK
... that's fine. Well, we don't
need to have... I think the wife
driving him nuts thing isn't very
good. I think we should cut that. I
think it should be implicit, but
not explicit. We shouldn't show her
saying, you know, "Where's the
fucking money?"
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no. No I'm just saying that,
you know, you just see his huge
life...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
He's got a huge life and he hasn't
got any work...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
... and no-one will talk to him.
HUTCHBACK
OK.
DR. NOSTRUM
That's the thing...
HUTCHBACK
So.
DR. NOSTRUM
... you could say that. You know.
"Green lives in a huge house
with...
HUTCHBACK
OK, so basically, he goes in to
pitch his new film...
DR. NOSTRUM
OK. That's good.
HUTCHBACK
OK. And he ends up being offered a
jobbing role as a Reality TV
producer.
DR. NOSTRUM
That's right. "No, we can't offer
you that, but...
HUTCHBACK
"But, we've got this...
DR. NOSTRUM
"New thing...
HUTCHBACK
"Great project, this great project.
We've got this great project, um,
and we were waiting for the right
guy, er, and we think you'd be...
DR. NOSTRUM
OK.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
That's good, so the most mundane
show you can think of would be...
HUTCHBACK
So let's give him quite a good,
sort of...
DR. NOSTRUM
Film.
HUTCHBACK
... film project that he's got.
That he's been working on for like
ten years, it's his script, you
know, he's written a script, he's
producing it. It's like, it's...
it's... it's...
A phone starts ringing.
DR. NOSTRUM
Or maybe it's your book?
HUTCHBACK
(incredulous)
My book?
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. Your book. Your book about
dating, why not?
The phone is still ringing.
HUTCHBACK
That's not a film.
DR. NOSTRUM
Why not? Why can't it be a film?
HUTCHBACK
It isn't a very good film.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well why are you writing it then?
HUTCHBACK
(answers the phone)
Hello? Hi. Yes, I'm fine. (it's
Mrs. Hutchback and Hutchback
becomes suddenly very subservient
and concilliatory. Hutchback
emasculated) Yeah, I bought you a
jar but I couldn't remember what
to, er, what, um, what you wanted
it for so I didn;t know what si...
Oh. OK, it's fine... For sugar? But
we've got a sugar one. Anyway,
well, it'll be fine. And I bought
you two cake tins... Cos they had
to come in two, they didn't come in
one's. Well, there was one but it
was more expensive than two cos it
had a carrying handle and all sorts
of nonsense that you don't need.
So... Yeah... We haven't eaten it
yet. We're about to actually. Well,
I'm about to. It's alright, the Dr.
as far as I know, isn't allergic to
nuts.
DR. NOSTRUM
No.
The Dr. Starts playing back some of the recording of the
'writing'
HUTCHBACK
... Yeah... Yeah...
DR. NOSTRUM
There we go!
HUTCHBACK
OK... Alright.
DR. NOSTRUM
There we go, look at that, look at
that! Mute. Mute.
HUTCHBACK
... Alright...
DR. NOSTRUM
Mute.
HUTCHBACK
... What?
DR. NOSTRUM
I am mute.
HUTCHBACK
No, no...
We break for the remainder of the Hutchback's marital
digression. They resume writing, starting with some tea and
cake.
HUTCHBACK (CONT'D)
Yes, I'm... well, Green Tea.
DR. NOSTRUM
And the way, for example, the way I
would suggest, should anyone ever
ask us to write an episode, is this
is also the way you write an
episode, because, what you're
doing, just things like, instead of
actually doing it, you know "You
got any cake?" "You want some tea?"
That is more important than...
That's what you write.
HUTCHBACK
(making tea and cake)
What? You mean...? Sorry, I've lost
track of which level of reality
we're taking about now.
DR. NOSTRUM
If...
HUTCHBACK
Are you talking about in the show?
DR. NOSTRUM
If we have...
HUTCHBACK
(overlapping)
You mean if we need to shoe them
writing a...
DR. NOSTRUM
If... No. Oh, yeah. In the show...
HUTCHBACK
OK.
DR. NOSTRUM
... If they are supposed to write
an episode, this is, I think, what
they do.
HUTCHBACK
OK, yeah. Fine. I thought you meant
If we were asked to write an
episode this is what we would do.
But this is what we would do.
DR. NOSTRUM
That's why it works.
HUTCHBACK
This is the confusing thing about
writing the show. Especially when
we actually start writing it.
That's when it'll get really
confusing.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well I think that might be why you
need a writer. That's...
HUTCHBACK
That's when we both have nervous
breakdowns.
DR. NOSTRUM
No. I don't know, I can't imagine
you having a nervous breakdown
about that.
HUTCHBACK
No, well, OK, maybe you'll have
one.
The Hutchback finds this very amusing and chuckles away in
the background.
DR. NOSTRUM
I might have one, but, mine is more
likely to be about the fact that
people keep asking me what I'm
doing.
HUTCHBACK
And you can't tell them.
DR. NOSTRUM
I can't tell 'em. Plus the fact
that you get all this stuff about
people telling you, "You've gotta
re-write it, you've gotta re-write
it, you gotta re-write it, you
gotta re-write it, you gotta re
write it, you gotta re-write it,
Oh? You're in hospital? Oh,
alright?
HUTCHBACK
(wasn't listening)
What's that?
DR. NOSTRUM
(repeating himself)
Well, that's the more likely thing,
is, should anything come of it,
it's that. "Oh, you gotta re-write
it, you gotta re-write it... No, I
don't like it, you've got to re
write it. What about re-writing
this? What about that, I don't like
that. What about that? What about
this? We've got to have it by
tomorrow. Oh, you're in hospital?
Doesn't matter." That's the kind of
thing that is more tricky than just
doing this.
HUTCHBACK
OK. So, his film, what's his film?
DR. NOSTRUM
(overlapping)
So we think that Green is, I mean
if it's a premise, rather than an
episode, you're saying "Green is...
a once..." start with that, as it
says. "Green is a once famous..." I
just can't, this is so strange. Who
does this? Do lots of people do
this?
HUTCHBACK
No.
DR. NOSTRUM
Are you using a magazine as floss?
HUTCHBACK
Just getting a piece of Turkey out
of my teeth.
DR. NOSTRUM
Right. You've got to try the monkey
wrench yet. Put the Viakal on
the... That's what you should be
doing...
HUTCHBACK
(of course)
Oh, yeah!
DR. NOSTRUM
... whilst we're doing this. Put
the Viakal on the...
HUTCHBACK
Fucking Viakal...
DR. NOSTRUM
... nut.
HUTCHBACK
... obsessive. You're a Viakal
obsessive.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, I'm a timing Nazi.
HUTCHBACK
What?
DR. NOSTRUM
I actually thought that was a very
good description. I'm a timing
Nazi.
HUTCHBACK
(chuckling again)
"Do people do this?" Actually
that's quite a good line...
DR. NOSTRUM
What?
HUTCHBACK
We should keep that in, in some
way. You know, "Do people..." you
know him looking at the guy, his
writing partner doing something...
DR. NOSTRUM
What, Zack and Jimmy?
HUTCHBACK
... Ludicrous, and he says "Do
people do this?" That could be
his... we could use that a lot. "Do
people do this?"
DR. NOSTRUM
Do what?
HUTCHBACK
No! It's whatever Jimmy's doing
that's insane. Or Zack, whichever
one's the insane one.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well it's just ideas. Oh, you mean
the ideas?
HUTCHBACK
N-n-n-no, no, no, no, no! Jimmy
just starts doing something...
strange, like picking his teeth
with a magazine...
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh. I see. Is that what I said to
you? "Do people do this?"
HUTCHBACK
"Do people do this?"
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, right, OK. OK. "Do people
listen to the words that come out
their mouths?"
HUTCHBACK
It's a good line.
DR. NOSTRUM
OK.
HUTCHBACK
You need to write that down
somewhere.
Showing posts with label celebrity. Show all posts
Showing posts with label celebrity. Show all posts
Monday, 29 November 2010
Saturday, 27 November 2010
All Talk 67 - Deathbed Regrets, Curry Eating & Pointless Diarising
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh Boy.
HUTCHBACK
(beat)
Not more of this! Why do they do
this, The Guardian?
DR. NOSTRUM
Is it the universe again?
HUTCHBACK
Why does everything do this? "A
Thousand 'X's To See Before You
Die."
DR. NOSTRUM
What?
HUTCHBACK
"A Thousand 'X's to 'X' before you
die."
DR. NOSTRUM
Like ex-wives?
HUTCHBACK
No, no, no. A thousand "things"...
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, right.
HUTCHBACK
... or "thing" before you die...
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, yeah.
HUTCHBACK
... and you can replace "thing"
with anything.
DR. NOSTRUM
Anything? So it's a thousand
"anythings"...
HUTCHBACK
No. This one's "A Thousand
'Artworks' To See Before You Die."
As if people need to see an artwork
before they die.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, A thousand is a lot Isn't it,
really?
HUTCHBACK
It's a hell of a lot.
DR. NOSTRUM
It used to be a hundred. It's
another example of inflationary
thinking, just this idea that you
can do, you know, a thousand
things. Imagine doing a thousand
important things in your life. Be
lucky to do one. Have you seen 'em
all? I guess you can just look at
'em all online.
HUTCHBACK
No. Yes, I suppose that is the
problem. Well, I've seen the second
one on the list. They haven't put
them in order because they don;t
want to appear to be dic..
dictating the, the, the...
DR. NOSTRUM
Value.
HUTCHBACK
... the, um,
DR. NOSTRUM
The value of some...
HUTCHBACK
No, the, um, what's it called?
DR. NOSTRUM
I don't know. (pause) Quality?
HUTCHBACK
No. No, they don't want to be
falling into the whole canonical
sort of, er, sort of mainstream by
saying "these are the top ten
greatest artworks of all time".
It's a sort of anti-list list.
DR. NOSTRUM
It probably used to be "Top Ten"
didn't it? And now, now it's "One
Thousand"
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, but it's sort of an
annoyingly egalitarian way to talk
about it. I think. Why not just say
"These are the twenty you need to
see, the rest are quite good, but
you won't die, sort of regretting
having seen them." (sarcastically)
As if that's likely to be the case.
As if that's likely to be what
you're thinking whilst you're
dying...
DR. NOSTRUM
I wish I'd seen...
HUTCHBACK
... "Fuck, I wish I'd seen that
Titian!"
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, you know what Gielgud said on
his deathbed? I can't imagine that
he did, but he might have done, He
said, asked did he have any regrets
"Yes, I wish I'd had more sex."
That's not bad.
HUTCHBACK
That's not bad, no. I'd like to get
to the point where you think,
"Well, that's enough sex, it's far
too much effort." I like the fact
that I don't have a sex drive any
more... It's very annoying when
you're twenty.
DR. NOSTRUM
(overlapping, quips)
And so does your wife.
HUTCHBACK
... yeah. (laughs) take my wife.
(beat - back to the art anti-list)
Oh, I do like that one though.
DR. NOSTRUM
What? A piece of Artwork?
HUTCHBACK
Erm, this thing here that they've
only got a small picture of.
Maurizio Catalan, 'The Ninth Hour'
It's a great sculpture.
DR. NOSTRUM
Where is it?
HUTCHBACK
Where is it? (looking) They don't
really say where they are.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, how are you s'posed to see
them?
HUTCHBACK
You must have seen this before? It
is a very good sculpture.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, I've never seen it.
HUTCHBACK
You've never see that, The Pope
struck down by a meteorite?
DR. NOSTRUM
It's good. It's one of those 'real'
one's yeah?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Or is it miniature?
HUTCHBACK
No, no, it's big. You see, there's
not enough jokes, there's not
enough comedy in Art, that's the
problem.
DR. NOSTRUM
No.
HUTCHBACK
It's all far too serious.
DR. NOSTRUM
A bit po faced.
HUTCHBACK
Oh, I went to 'Frieze'. God, it was
annoying. Was it annoying last time
or did we enjoy it? We laughed a
lot didn't we?
DR. NOSTRUM
Mrs. Nostrum didn't enjoy it, it
was all a bit of a hassle and you
don't see much quality.
HUTCHBACK
Yes. Which is a good description of
life in general. Not much quality,
but a lot of aggravation.
DR. NOSTRUM
She had another wonderful
accidental description of
behaviour. I was making something,
or I bought something new and asked
her "Would you like to try it?" she
said "No, I don't want to try it in
case I don't like it." Which I
think is a fabulous catch-all
description of a certain type of
existence. (pause) Well, did you
see anything that you would buy?
HUTCHBACK
Erm.
DR. NOSTRUM
Or you would want on your walls?
HUTCHBACK
God, no. Wouldn't have any of that
shite on my walls, any of that god
awful tat. (beat) Twenty-two
minutes.
DR. NOSTRUM
Of what?
We never find out, they eat and mumble through their food.
Then...
HUTCHBACK
Do you want a knife?
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.
HUTCHBACK
Cos those turkey bits are quite
wiry.
DR. NOSTRUM
And they've also got bit of gristle
in them.
Hmm, that was a really good thing
someone attributed to, um, that
fella who was married to Madonna, a
quote more observant than any of
his films, was that when they did
get to, er, close, he said "it was
like cuddling a piece of gristle."
HUTCHBACK
Hmm, I can see that.
DR. NOSTRUM
And his mum said the most fabulous
thing, so fabulously English and
posh, she said "He knew what he was
getting into, but what do you
expect when you deal with that end
of the market?"
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, I mean, I was always quite
surprised by that, that union. What
di she see in him? And likewise,
what did he see in her?
DR. NOSTRUM
Well...
HUTCHBACK
Money.
DR. NOSTRUM
That's what she suggested, but then
his family's very wealthy, so...?
HUTCHBACK
Okay, she was buying into this...
Manor, English country Manor.
DR. NOSTRUM
She was a stranger in a strange
land. I can't imagine dinner, the
family dinner's if that's what his
mum was thinking I can't imagine
the family was anything but very...
bony.
HUTCHBACK
Of course.
DR. NOSTRUM
Sharing a good laugh with Madonna
about the irony of her latest
single. A woman entirely without
irony I think.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah. Well you've got to be, you
know, cold eyed... a cold eyed
killer to get where she's got.
DR. NOSTRUM
Or a secret paedophile.
HUTCHBACK
Yes.
DR. NOSTRUM
One or the other. (beat - on to the
food) It's alright isn't it, out of
a jar? If that was thinner, or
thicker.
HUTCHBACK
No, it's good!
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.
HUTCHBACK
Who makes it?
DR. NOSTRUM
Er, I think it's the British Curry
Club.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah. I mean it would take a good
hour to make curry sauce that's
better than that, so it's
definitely a.. boon.
DR. NOSTRUM
Cos it's a Vindaloo that's just,
sort of, sour. Like you said that's
it's s'posed to be.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
I've never had one, but... I guess
Vindaloo add water is a Pathia,
just add water and gradually dilute
it and add more tomatoes and
onions.
HUTCHBACK
(scathingly)
You don't "just add water". You add
more onions, you put in less
chilli.
DR. NOSTRUM
(referring to the meal)
Not an overly complex cuisine is
it? Real thing's pointlessly,
needlessly complex when you can buy
it in a jar. What are they doing
all these chefs? I like the idea of
companies that sell us tap water,
filtered tap water.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, at least it's honest.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well it wasn't. You know Dasani...
HUTCHBACK
Well, yeah, yeah, but the one's
that actually tell you that it's
tap water.
DR. NOSTRUM
Amusingly, everywhere you go in
Nashville, "Would you like Dasani?"
It's not, "Would you like water?
HUTCHBACK
Just turn on the tap...
DR. NOSTRUM
Out comes Dasani.
HUTCHBACK
Hot and cold running Dasani. In
every house.
DR. NOSTRUM
And the benefit is it's all
drinkable. I guess in the far
future...
HUTCHBACK
They don't call it rain anymore.
"Dasani light"
DR. NOSTRUM
That wouldn't be a bad advert: A
man struggling through the desert
"Dasani! Dasani!"
They polish off the remainder of their plates, then...
HUTCHBACK
Right. I have to go and buy a
spanner.
DR. NOSTRUM
What?
HUTCHBACK
I have to go and buy a spanner. So,
we have to drive and record.
DR. NOSTRUM
Okay.
HUTCHBACK
En route.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, that's alright. You don't
have a spanner in the house? What
about pliers?
HUTCHBACK
Not a spanner, I need a... what are
those things called? A monkey
wren.. Not a monkey wrench, what
are those things called?
DR. NOSTRUM
I don't know what 'the thing' is?
HUTCHBACK
An adjustable spanner.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well why don't you just get one the
right size?
HUTCHBACK
Because I don't know what the size
is. And I want to get one that can
do...
and it's not for a bolt, it's for a
shower head. It's completely...
DR. NOSTRUM
Seized up.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Have you tried, um, putting
limescale all over it? Have you
tried that first, cos that's the
simplest thing you can do. Instead
of buying a spanner, is to buy
Viakal. Just pour Viakal all over
it, leave it for twenty minutes,
then open it. I mean, if you don't
have an adjustable spanner and you
desperately need one...
HUTCHBACK
Well, you know, a trip to the, um,
to Bee and Queue might give us
plenty of things which, you know,
would be quite superior.
DR. NOSTRUM
How long have we got today, to come
up with anything useful? Because by
the end of today we should at least
have the opening to this...
Synopsis. Cos I like the idea that
there's a different way to write,
which is by people who don't write.
And therefore you just put down on
the page what you think is funny.
HUTCHBACK
Isn't that how...
DR. NOSTRUM
No, I don't think it is cos the guy
was telling me cos I said "Well,
how do you do this?" And he said,
"Well, there's a good book by
William Goldman," who wrote plenty
of stuff, and I said - there's a
good thing we could put in - "What,
who wrote Lord Of The Flies?"
Coming from a writer, that's quite
good. He said, "No, that's William
Golding." He had to put me right.
So now, when I mention to him...
HUTCHBACK
"There's a good book by William
Goldman." "What, you mean the guy
from Six Million Dollar Man?" "No,
that's Oscar Goldman"
DR. NOSTRUM
This stuff, there's nothing we can
do but write this stuff. So anyway,
I've ordered it online.
HUTCHBACK
But what? How long's that going to
be?
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, he just set down... it lays
out... He's written loads of books,
which aren't his books or
screenplays, but just about how you
lay out screenplays and he says
they're still very apt for how
Hollywood likes to see things. Cos
he's thinking Hollywood, he's not
thinking Britain at all.
Hutchback chokes with laughter.
HUTCHBACK
Of course.
DR. NOSTRUM
That's what I've been saying to
you, that where we're headed, I
hope, is to recreate the Seinfeld
scene, where you know... but
unfortunately we're both George,
that's the trouble.
HUTCHBACK
There isn't the talented one,
there's just the other one.
DR. NOSTRUM
I like the idea of keeping on going
to the point where you have to ask
your work for, what are they
called? A sabb...
HUTCHBACK
A sabbatical.
DR. NOSTRUM
... to, er, write a TV series.
HUTCHBACK
(sarcastically)
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
From an advance from, er, Mad TV.
"What's it about?" "Can't tell
you." (beat) I went to this place
called, um, I don't know, something
Elephant. It's got really good,
um... mailshots, they're quite
good, that come through the door,
with great quotes from respected
food writers about how great this
thing... and I went there and
bought some, it's just a kitchen,
like the one you've got round the
corner.
HUTCHBACK
Mm.
DR. NOSTRUM
And it was all just...
HUTCHBACK
Was it Camden?
DR. NOSTRUM
There are a few, there's a couple
of them, can't remember what
they're called... The Mad
Elephant...
HUTCHBACK
The Praying Elephant?
DR. NOSTRUM
I don't know, something Elephant,
but, um, It's just, It just tastes
like salt. Salt with a layer of
onions. Just about edible, but I
would never have it again.
HUTCHBACK
Mm.
DR. NOSTRUM
And the mixed tandoori ame in a
nice deep dish and I thought "Oh,
that's good." except, that much
from the bottom of the dish
(indicates a few millimeters) was
onions. So. They know what they're
doing with these mailshots.
HUTCHBACK
Mm, and who were these dubious food
writers?
DR. NOSTRUM
I don't know, just people like, um,
there's the Time Out review, er,
er, The Evening Standard review,
but htey must have all been, you
know, off one particular location,
off one particular chef, cos it's
the same flyer for all location but
I obviously didn't go to the one
that was written about. So there's
a good one out there somewhere "The
best Indian take-away I've ever
tasted in my life".
HUTCHBACK
They probably just made the whole
thing up.
DR. NOSTRUM
Mm. But it was very well done, so
you know, I fell for it. If you do
it well enough... people come. Have
you got Viakal?
HUTCHBACK
No.
DR. NOSTRUM
Anything? Any de-scaler or anything
like? Cos whilst we're going out...
HUTCHBACK
No. No, I don't.
DR. NOSTRUM
Cos that's probably, that's all
that's happened, it's just seized
up with the limescale.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah I'm sure. We have cake... for
later.
DR. NOSTRUM
I thought you were suggesting we
put that on the shower. No, I
haven't got Viakal, I've got cake.
They finally have polished off the meal.
HUTCHBACK
That was very nice, thank you.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, it's all right isn't it?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
So have you been wii-fitting?
HUTCHBACK
Um, no, I just use it to weigh
myself. It's just a very expensive
scales.
DR. NOSTRUM
One in which you have no concept of
whether it's accurate or not.
HUTCHBACK
No, no, no it's totally accurate.
It's a lot more accurate than the
set of scales we've got, that
varies by three pounds from one day
to the next.
DR. NOSTRUM
I was talking to the builder, to
the decorator who was gonna come
and do our castle. Did the Keates
ever come out here?
Keates is a decorator in his 60's often in the employ of the
Good Doctor.
HUTCHBACK
Expensive.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, well, he can be expensive.
He's not expensive to me for some
reason, but there we are, but he
was saying he loves all this
computer stuff, he plays wii almost
all the time and he said, you
know... it was a real embarrassment
when it gave him his wii age of 80,
or something like that, in front of
his family, so now he's trying to
get his wii age down, this
decorator, essex decorator. I
suppose it could replace your real
age.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
I've got to say...
HUTCHBACK
But it's just about balance.
DR. NOSTRUM
But that's what I was thinking
watching it. Watching you show us
how great it all was it just made
me think "it's a very expensive way
to put your back out." You could do
it far, far more cheaply by holding
something heavy over your head
whilst climbing a ladder.
HUTCHBACK
No, it was fun for a while, but I
just can't... If you actually,
seriously want to do exercise it's
kind of a pain. Far better to just
go for a run. (beat) So? What do we
need to write today?
DR. NOSTRUM
We'll try and expand on the
synopsis. Just start.
HUTCHBACK
Just start? Just start doing it. So
we actually have to sit and write
to start?
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, we just talk.
HUTCHBACK
Well that's no good.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yes it is, it's fine.
HUTCHBACK
No, no, you have to write.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, it's only what I did last
time. It's just, I'd like to write
something we can send to the
writer.
HUTCHBACK
Now, my phone can record stuff.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, so can mine but I can never
understand what I'm saying.
HUTCHBACK
Oh.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well we can try it.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, mine will be better.
DR. NOSTRUM
Mine just went (makes loud
crackling noises)
HUTCHBACK
We'll do a little test.
DR. NOSTRUM
And how long will it record for?
HUTCHBACK
Well it's got about four gig of
memory on it so it should be
plenty.
DR. NOSTRUM
A lot of 'em have a thing where
they turn themselves off after a
minute though. "I missed it, I
missed the greatest joke ever
told!"
HUTCHBACK
Right. (a couple of beeps sound)
It's recording at high quality.
DR. NOSTRUM
We'll just have to try and
summarise the show.
HUTCHBACK
There you go.
DR. NOSTRUM
We don't need high quality.
HUTCHBACK
It can record fifty three minutes
at high quality.
Hutchback plays back his last sentence.
DR. NOSTRUM
OK, well that can run whilst
we're... You know there was some
bloke, did you read or see about
this guy, there's this bloke who's
written literally for like the last
fifty years he wrote in his diary
every fifteen minutes.
HUTCHBACK
(not listening at all)
Ah, now you see. Now, it's saving
it onto the... Oh, it says it can
only record an hour. That's very
strange, the maximum clip length is
one hour, even though it's saving
it onto the memory card. It's not
that interesting I suppose?
DR. NOSTRUM
No.
HUTCHBACK
OK, so?
DR. NOSTRUM
We don't have to turn it on now.
HUTCHBACK
No, no, just when we get in the
car.
DR. NOSTRUM
Um. No, I think we just have to...
No, this bloke, he was a married
bloke and he wrote a diary entry
every fifteen minutes and when he
slept he slept for, like, a maximum
of three hours and then he'd get up
and write in the book and he's done
it for about thirty years.
HUTCHBACK
(overlapping)
He's insane, yes?
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, this is what they were
suggesting. He's a... he was a
vicar, or something.
HUTCHBACK
Right.
DR. NOSTRUM
And his wife, when he didn't write
in it, if he wasn't at the diary he
would, you know, call up his wife
and tell her what to write. Imagine
being married to that. He did that
and it seems that it's all just
complete mundain rubbish, rubbish,
you know, nothing...
HUTCHBACK
(laughing)
"I sat down"
DR. NOSTRUM
... Yeah. It's stuff like that, "I
had a piece of cake, wasn't bad"
HUTCHBACK
"I've been sitting now, for an
hour, I'll give you an update in
fifteen minutes."
DR. NOSTRUM
Mm.
HUTCHBACK
"Still sitting"
DR. NOSTRUM
Mm. Just stuff like that.
HUTCHBACK
"I'm watching telly."
DR. NOSTRUM
Cos, you know cos he thinks he's
creating... the reason he did it,
he wanted to create an important
historical document (Hutchback
laughs mockingly) And maybe it will
be, but it's just, er...
HUTCHBACK
Well, there is a long history of
the history of nobodies.
DR. NOSTRUM
Hmm.
HUTCHBACK
OK, so let's start recording...
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, we've got a couple of good
things, well, one good thing, I
think doggie creampies is quite
good.
HUTCHBACK
Doggie creampies... yeah.
They go out.
Oh Boy.
HUTCHBACK
(beat)
Not more of this! Why do they do
this, The Guardian?
DR. NOSTRUM
Is it the universe again?
HUTCHBACK
Why does everything do this? "A
Thousand 'X's To See Before You
Die."
DR. NOSTRUM
What?
HUTCHBACK
"A Thousand 'X's to 'X' before you
die."
DR. NOSTRUM
Like ex-wives?
HUTCHBACK
No, no, no. A thousand "things"...
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, right.
HUTCHBACK
... or "thing" before you die...
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, yeah.
HUTCHBACK
... and you can replace "thing"
with anything.
DR. NOSTRUM
Anything? So it's a thousand
"anythings"...
HUTCHBACK
No. This one's "A Thousand
'Artworks' To See Before You Die."
As if people need to see an artwork
before they die.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, A thousand is a lot Isn't it,
really?
HUTCHBACK
It's a hell of a lot.
DR. NOSTRUM
It used to be a hundred. It's
another example of inflationary
thinking, just this idea that you
can do, you know, a thousand
things. Imagine doing a thousand
important things in your life. Be
lucky to do one. Have you seen 'em
all? I guess you can just look at
'em all online.
HUTCHBACK
No. Yes, I suppose that is the
problem. Well, I've seen the second
one on the list. They haven't put
them in order because they don;t
want to appear to be dic..
dictating the, the, the...
DR. NOSTRUM
Value.
HUTCHBACK
... the, um,
DR. NOSTRUM
The value of some...
HUTCHBACK
No, the, um, what's it called?
DR. NOSTRUM
I don't know. (pause) Quality?
HUTCHBACK
No. No, they don't want to be
falling into the whole canonical
sort of, er, sort of mainstream by
saying "these are the top ten
greatest artworks of all time".
It's a sort of anti-list list.
DR. NOSTRUM
It probably used to be "Top Ten"
didn't it? And now, now it's "One
Thousand"
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, but it's sort of an
annoyingly egalitarian way to talk
about it. I think. Why not just say
"These are the twenty you need to
see, the rest are quite good, but
you won't die, sort of regretting
having seen them." (sarcastically)
As if that's likely to be the case.
As if that's likely to be what
you're thinking whilst you're
dying...
DR. NOSTRUM
I wish I'd seen...
HUTCHBACK
... "Fuck, I wish I'd seen that
Titian!"
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, you know what Gielgud said on
his deathbed? I can't imagine that
he did, but he might have done, He
said, asked did he have any regrets
"Yes, I wish I'd had more sex."
That's not bad.
HUTCHBACK
That's not bad, no. I'd like to get
to the point where you think,
"Well, that's enough sex, it's far
too much effort." I like the fact
that I don't have a sex drive any
more... It's very annoying when
you're twenty.
DR. NOSTRUM
(overlapping, quips)
And so does your wife.
HUTCHBACK
... yeah. (laughs) take my wife.
(beat - back to the art anti-list)
Oh, I do like that one though.
DR. NOSTRUM
What? A piece of Artwork?
HUTCHBACK
Erm, this thing here that they've
only got a small picture of.
Maurizio Catalan, 'The Ninth Hour'
It's a great sculpture.
DR. NOSTRUM
Where is it?
HUTCHBACK
Where is it? (looking) They don't
really say where they are.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, how are you s'posed to see
them?
HUTCHBACK
You must have seen this before? It
is a very good sculpture.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, I've never seen it.
HUTCHBACK
You've never see that, The Pope
struck down by a meteorite?
DR. NOSTRUM
It's good. It's one of those 'real'
one's yeah?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Or is it miniature?
HUTCHBACK
No, no, it's big. You see, there's
not enough jokes, there's not
enough comedy in Art, that's the
problem.
DR. NOSTRUM
No.
HUTCHBACK
It's all far too serious.
DR. NOSTRUM
A bit po faced.
HUTCHBACK
Oh, I went to 'Frieze'. God, it was
annoying. Was it annoying last time
or did we enjoy it? We laughed a
lot didn't we?
DR. NOSTRUM
Mrs. Nostrum didn't enjoy it, it
was all a bit of a hassle and you
don't see much quality.
HUTCHBACK
Yes. Which is a good description of
life in general. Not much quality,
but a lot of aggravation.
DR. NOSTRUM
She had another wonderful
accidental description of
behaviour. I was making something,
or I bought something new and asked
her "Would you like to try it?" she
said "No, I don't want to try it in
case I don't like it." Which I
think is a fabulous catch-all
description of a certain type of
existence. (pause) Well, did you
see anything that you would buy?
HUTCHBACK
Erm.
DR. NOSTRUM
Or you would want on your walls?
HUTCHBACK
God, no. Wouldn't have any of that
shite on my walls, any of that god
awful tat. (beat) Twenty-two
minutes.
DR. NOSTRUM
Of what?
We never find out, they eat and mumble through their food.
Then...
HUTCHBACK
Do you want a knife?
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.
HUTCHBACK
Cos those turkey bits are quite
wiry.
DR. NOSTRUM
And they've also got bit of gristle
in them.
Hmm, that was a really good thing
someone attributed to, um, that
fella who was married to Madonna, a
quote more observant than any of
his films, was that when they did
get to, er, close, he said "it was
like cuddling a piece of gristle."
HUTCHBACK
Hmm, I can see that.
DR. NOSTRUM
And his mum said the most fabulous
thing, so fabulously English and
posh, she said "He knew what he was
getting into, but what do you
expect when you deal with that end
of the market?"
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, I mean, I was always quite
surprised by that, that union. What
di she see in him? And likewise,
what did he see in her?
DR. NOSTRUM
Well...
HUTCHBACK
Money.
DR. NOSTRUM
That's what she suggested, but then
his family's very wealthy, so...?
HUTCHBACK
Okay, she was buying into this...
Manor, English country Manor.
DR. NOSTRUM
She was a stranger in a strange
land. I can't imagine dinner, the
family dinner's if that's what his
mum was thinking I can't imagine
the family was anything but very...
bony.
HUTCHBACK
Of course.
DR. NOSTRUM
Sharing a good laugh with Madonna
about the irony of her latest
single. A woman entirely without
irony I think.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah. Well you've got to be, you
know, cold eyed... a cold eyed
killer to get where she's got.
DR. NOSTRUM
Or a secret paedophile.
HUTCHBACK
Yes.
DR. NOSTRUM
One or the other. (beat - on to the
food) It's alright isn't it, out of
a jar? If that was thinner, or
thicker.
HUTCHBACK
No, it's good!
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.
HUTCHBACK
Who makes it?
DR. NOSTRUM
Er, I think it's the British Curry
Club.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah. I mean it would take a good
hour to make curry sauce that's
better than that, so it's
definitely a.. boon.
DR. NOSTRUM
Cos it's a Vindaloo that's just,
sort of, sour. Like you said that's
it's s'posed to be.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
I've never had one, but... I guess
Vindaloo add water is a Pathia,
just add water and gradually dilute
it and add more tomatoes and
onions.
HUTCHBACK
(scathingly)
You don't "just add water". You add
more onions, you put in less
chilli.
DR. NOSTRUM
(referring to the meal)
Not an overly complex cuisine is
it? Real thing's pointlessly,
needlessly complex when you can buy
it in a jar. What are they doing
all these chefs? I like the idea of
companies that sell us tap water,
filtered tap water.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, at least it's honest.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well it wasn't. You know Dasani...
HUTCHBACK
Well, yeah, yeah, but the one's
that actually tell you that it's
tap water.
DR. NOSTRUM
Amusingly, everywhere you go in
Nashville, "Would you like Dasani?"
It's not, "Would you like water?
HUTCHBACK
Just turn on the tap...
DR. NOSTRUM
Out comes Dasani.
HUTCHBACK
Hot and cold running Dasani. In
every house.
DR. NOSTRUM
And the benefit is it's all
drinkable. I guess in the far
future...
HUTCHBACK
They don't call it rain anymore.
"Dasani light"
DR. NOSTRUM
That wouldn't be a bad advert: A
man struggling through the desert
"Dasani! Dasani!"
They polish off the remainder of their plates, then...
HUTCHBACK
Right. I have to go and buy a
spanner.
DR. NOSTRUM
What?
HUTCHBACK
I have to go and buy a spanner. So,
we have to drive and record.
DR. NOSTRUM
Okay.
HUTCHBACK
En route.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, that's alright. You don't
have a spanner in the house? What
about pliers?
HUTCHBACK
Not a spanner, I need a... what are
those things called? A monkey
wren.. Not a monkey wrench, what
are those things called?
DR. NOSTRUM
I don't know what 'the thing' is?
HUTCHBACK
An adjustable spanner.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well why don't you just get one the
right size?
HUTCHBACK
Because I don't know what the size
is. And I want to get one that can
do...
and it's not for a bolt, it's for a
shower head. It's completely...
DR. NOSTRUM
Seized up.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Have you tried, um, putting
limescale all over it? Have you
tried that first, cos that's the
simplest thing you can do. Instead
of buying a spanner, is to buy
Viakal. Just pour Viakal all over
it, leave it for twenty minutes,
then open it. I mean, if you don't
have an adjustable spanner and you
desperately need one...
HUTCHBACK
Well, you know, a trip to the, um,
to Bee and Queue might give us
plenty of things which, you know,
would be quite superior.
DR. NOSTRUM
How long have we got today, to come
up with anything useful? Because by
the end of today we should at least
have the opening to this...
Synopsis. Cos I like the idea that
there's a different way to write,
which is by people who don't write.
And therefore you just put down on
the page what you think is funny.
HUTCHBACK
Isn't that how...
DR. NOSTRUM
No, I don't think it is cos the guy
was telling me cos I said "Well,
how do you do this?" And he said,
"Well, there's a good book by
William Goldman," who wrote plenty
of stuff, and I said - there's a
good thing we could put in - "What,
who wrote Lord Of The Flies?"
Coming from a writer, that's quite
good. He said, "No, that's William
Golding." He had to put me right.
So now, when I mention to him...
HUTCHBACK
"There's a good book by William
Goldman." "What, you mean the guy
from Six Million Dollar Man?" "No,
that's Oscar Goldman"
DR. NOSTRUM
This stuff, there's nothing we can
do but write this stuff. So anyway,
I've ordered it online.
HUTCHBACK
But what? How long's that going to
be?
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, he just set down... it lays
out... He's written loads of books,
which aren't his books or
screenplays, but just about how you
lay out screenplays and he says
they're still very apt for how
Hollywood likes to see things. Cos
he's thinking Hollywood, he's not
thinking Britain at all.
Hutchback chokes with laughter.
HUTCHBACK
Of course.
DR. NOSTRUM
That's what I've been saying to
you, that where we're headed, I
hope, is to recreate the Seinfeld
scene, where you know... but
unfortunately we're both George,
that's the trouble.
HUTCHBACK
There isn't the talented one,
there's just the other one.
DR. NOSTRUM
I like the idea of keeping on going
to the point where you have to ask
your work for, what are they
called? A sabb...
HUTCHBACK
A sabbatical.
DR. NOSTRUM
... to, er, write a TV series.
HUTCHBACK
(sarcastically)
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
From an advance from, er, Mad TV.
"What's it about?" "Can't tell
you." (beat) I went to this place
called, um, I don't know, something
Elephant. It's got really good,
um... mailshots, they're quite
good, that come through the door,
with great quotes from respected
food writers about how great this
thing... and I went there and
bought some, it's just a kitchen,
like the one you've got round the
corner.
HUTCHBACK
Mm.
DR. NOSTRUM
And it was all just...
HUTCHBACK
Was it Camden?
DR. NOSTRUM
There are a few, there's a couple
of them, can't remember what
they're called... The Mad
Elephant...
HUTCHBACK
The Praying Elephant?
DR. NOSTRUM
I don't know, something Elephant,
but, um, It's just, It just tastes
like salt. Salt with a layer of
onions. Just about edible, but I
would never have it again.
HUTCHBACK
Mm.
DR. NOSTRUM
And the mixed tandoori ame in a
nice deep dish and I thought "Oh,
that's good." except, that much
from the bottom of the dish
(indicates a few millimeters) was
onions. So. They know what they're
doing with these mailshots.
HUTCHBACK
Mm, and who were these dubious food
writers?
DR. NOSTRUM
I don't know, just people like, um,
there's the Time Out review, er,
er, The Evening Standard review,
but htey must have all been, you
know, off one particular location,
off one particular chef, cos it's
the same flyer for all location but
I obviously didn't go to the one
that was written about. So there's
a good one out there somewhere "The
best Indian take-away I've ever
tasted in my life".
HUTCHBACK
They probably just made the whole
thing up.
DR. NOSTRUM
Mm. But it was very well done, so
you know, I fell for it. If you do
it well enough... people come. Have
you got Viakal?
HUTCHBACK
No.
DR. NOSTRUM
Anything? Any de-scaler or anything
like? Cos whilst we're going out...
HUTCHBACK
No. No, I don't.
DR. NOSTRUM
Cos that's probably, that's all
that's happened, it's just seized
up with the limescale.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah I'm sure. We have cake... for
later.
DR. NOSTRUM
I thought you were suggesting we
put that on the shower. No, I
haven't got Viakal, I've got cake.
They finally have polished off the meal.
HUTCHBACK
That was very nice, thank you.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, it's all right isn't it?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
So have you been wii-fitting?
HUTCHBACK
Um, no, I just use it to weigh
myself. It's just a very expensive
scales.
DR. NOSTRUM
One in which you have no concept of
whether it's accurate or not.
HUTCHBACK
No, no, no it's totally accurate.
It's a lot more accurate than the
set of scales we've got, that
varies by three pounds from one day
to the next.
DR. NOSTRUM
I was talking to the builder, to
the decorator who was gonna come
and do our castle. Did the Keates
ever come out here?
Keates is a decorator in his 60's often in the employ of the
Good Doctor.
HUTCHBACK
Expensive.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, well, he can be expensive.
He's not expensive to me for some
reason, but there we are, but he
was saying he loves all this
computer stuff, he plays wii almost
all the time and he said, you
know... it was a real embarrassment
when it gave him his wii age of 80,
or something like that, in front of
his family, so now he's trying to
get his wii age down, this
decorator, essex decorator. I
suppose it could replace your real
age.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
I've got to say...
HUTCHBACK
But it's just about balance.
DR. NOSTRUM
But that's what I was thinking
watching it. Watching you show us
how great it all was it just made
me think "it's a very expensive way
to put your back out." You could do
it far, far more cheaply by holding
something heavy over your head
whilst climbing a ladder.
HUTCHBACK
No, it was fun for a while, but I
just can't... If you actually,
seriously want to do exercise it's
kind of a pain. Far better to just
go for a run. (beat) So? What do we
need to write today?
DR. NOSTRUM
We'll try and expand on the
synopsis. Just start.
HUTCHBACK
Just start? Just start doing it. So
we actually have to sit and write
to start?
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, we just talk.
HUTCHBACK
Well that's no good.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yes it is, it's fine.
HUTCHBACK
No, no, you have to write.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, it's only what I did last
time. It's just, I'd like to write
something we can send to the
writer.
HUTCHBACK
Now, my phone can record stuff.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, so can mine but I can never
understand what I'm saying.
HUTCHBACK
Oh.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well we can try it.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, mine will be better.
DR. NOSTRUM
Mine just went (makes loud
crackling noises)
HUTCHBACK
We'll do a little test.
DR. NOSTRUM
And how long will it record for?
HUTCHBACK
Well it's got about four gig of
memory on it so it should be
plenty.
DR. NOSTRUM
A lot of 'em have a thing where
they turn themselves off after a
minute though. "I missed it, I
missed the greatest joke ever
told!"
HUTCHBACK
Right. (a couple of beeps sound)
It's recording at high quality.
DR. NOSTRUM
We'll just have to try and
summarise the show.
HUTCHBACK
There you go.
DR. NOSTRUM
We don't need high quality.
HUTCHBACK
It can record fifty three minutes
at high quality.
Hutchback plays back his last sentence.
DR. NOSTRUM
OK, well that can run whilst
we're... You know there was some
bloke, did you read or see about
this guy, there's this bloke who's
written literally for like the last
fifty years he wrote in his diary
every fifteen minutes.
HUTCHBACK
(not listening at all)
Ah, now you see. Now, it's saving
it onto the... Oh, it says it can
only record an hour. That's very
strange, the maximum clip length is
one hour, even though it's saving
it onto the memory card. It's not
that interesting I suppose?
DR. NOSTRUM
No.
HUTCHBACK
OK, so?
DR. NOSTRUM
We don't have to turn it on now.
HUTCHBACK
No, no, just when we get in the
car.
DR. NOSTRUM
Um. No, I think we just have to...
No, this bloke, he was a married
bloke and he wrote a diary entry
every fifteen minutes and when he
slept he slept for, like, a maximum
of three hours and then he'd get up
and write in the book and he's done
it for about thirty years.
HUTCHBACK
(overlapping)
He's insane, yes?
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, this is what they were
suggesting. He's a... he was a
vicar, or something.
HUTCHBACK
Right.
DR. NOSTRUM
And his wife, when he didn't write
in it, if he wasn't at the diary he
would, you know, call up his wife
and tell her what to write. Imagine
being married to that. He did that
and it seems that it's all just
complete mundain rubbish, rubbish,
you know, nothing...
HUTCHBACK
(laughing)
"I sat down"
DR. NOSTRUM
... Yeah. It's stuff like that, "I
had a piece of cake, wasn't bad"
HUTCHBACK
"I've been sitting now, for an
hour, I'll give you an update in
fifteen minutes."
DR. NOSTRUM
Mm.
HUTCHBACK
"Still sitting"
DR. NOSTRUM
Mm. Just stuff like that.
HUTCHBACK
"I'm watching telly."
DR. NOSTRUM
Cos, you know cos he thinks he's
creating... the reason he did it,
he wanted to create an important
historical document (Hutchback
laughs mockingly) And maybe it will
be, but it's just, er...
HUTCHBACK
Well, there is a long history of
the history of nobodies.
DR. NOSTRUM
Hmm.
HUTCHBACK
OK, so let's start recording...
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, we've got a couple of good
things, well, one good thing, I
think doggie creampies is quite
good.
HUTCHBACK
Doggie creampies... yeah.
They go out.
Thursday, 23 September 2010
The Mission Continues!
They're back, after a year of contractual difficulties, The Dr. and Hutchback resume their journey towards the greatest Television Show never written. Thus time in Glorious Screenplayorama...
Thursday, 29 July 2010
The Dark Night - Inception and Bloat
So, another film from Christopher Nolan. A Blockbuster with the big cheeses and fresh new cheeses and one particularly old over-ripe cheese. I heard before going that everyone wanted to work with him and after The Dark Knight he could probably have made any film he wanted. He did. I don't know who else would have wanted to make it. Unnecessary layers and levels that would have had the crickets rubbing their legs in joyous despair had it been a Shyamalan film. I went as deep as the snow filled layer before being overwhelmed by the pointlessness of it all.
The idea works, in his childhood the Doctor read a sci-fi novel where there were murders in dreams, and it needed two people to enter the dreamscape, both dreaming at the same time. Damned if I can remember the title of it. Anyway, this film is as bloated as Tom Berenger, who proudly joins the ranks of smoothly expanding former leading men, pioneered in the modern age by William Shatner (with James Spader doing his best to look like his son). Presumably this look is required to stay in the secret society formed by Orson Wells.
The idea works, in his childhood the Doctor read a sci-fi novel where there were murders in dreams, and it needed two people to enter the dreamscape, both dreaming at the same time. Damned if I can remember the title of it. Anyway, this film is as bloated as Tom Berenger, who proudly joins the ranks of smoothly expanding former leading men, pioneered in the modern age by William Shatner (with James Spader doing his best to look like his son). Presumably this look is required to stay in the secret society formed by Orson Wells.
Thursday, 5 February 2009
Paris Hilton - Fast Food Fame
Paris's BBF, yet more aspirants munching on the quim of celebrity.
It's pretty much beyond reviewing to any purpose as a television show; Paris makes folks do things for her and then judges them whilst they shake and cry because of course her opinion defines their universe.
Dr. Nostrum can't help remembering the callous spoiled joy with which Nicole and her ruined a day's business for a random blue collar family one episode of The Simple Life. Yes, I'm sure they compensated them financially, yes, that was the show, no, it didn't matter.
There's no joy here, no point, purpose or permanence, and nothing positive that starts with any other letter of the alphabet either.
I know why it's on and I even think I know why it's popular. She is the living Celebrity Embodiment of Fast Food. The McDonalds of Reality TV. Everything you can think of about The Big Mac is true for Paris.
Paris Hilton. More famous than Paris France. What does that say about Google searches?
Be my BFF Paris! ;-) Everything you touch turns to gold.
(do you really think so?)
It's pretty much beyond reviewing to any purpose as a television show; Paris makes folks do things for her and then judges them whilst they shake and cry because of course her opinion defines their universe.
Dr. Nostrum can't help remembering the callous spoiled joy with which Nicole and her ruined a day's business for a random blue collar family one episode of The Simple Life. Yes, I'm sure they compensated them financially, yes, that was the show, no, it didn't matter.
There's no joy here, no point, purpose or permanence, and nothing positive that starts with any other letter of the alphabet either.
I know why it's on and I even think I know why it's popular. She is the living Celebrity Embodiment of Fast Food. The McDonalds of Reality TV. Everything you can think of about The Big Mac is true for Paris.
Paris Hilton. More famous than Paris France. What does that say about Google searches?
Be my BFF Paris! ;-) Everything you touch turns to gold.
(do you really think so?)
Wednesday, 4 February 2009
Jade Goody Media Martyr - Cashing In On Death
Can you believe it, a serious article from Dr. Nostrum as I take a moment to reflect on a recurring nightmare.
Though we are no closer to finding a meaning for Jade Goody's life, in one of the clearest predictions of 2009 (and yes, foul and cynical as I am, hopefully beyond) there will be a long examination for the meaning of her death and it's place as 'Entertainment' on our screens.
(cue bubbly airhead teen voice over) 'Read all about brave Jade's losing battle with Cancer and get 20 great Credit Crunch Cancer beating looks! Only in this week's edition of Uber-Voyeur, only £1.20 at all good Newsagents!'
I really don't think I will. In fact I know I can't. So I will become one of those hated commentators (surely - 'contentators') that pontificate on the morals of this most exquisite hell of an exploitation at a distance. You see, I'm not interested in the minutiae of Jade's serialised death throe, but then, I don't like Slasher films or Grand Theft Auto so I probably exist in a tiny vacuum. No, more than not interested; phobic.
There isn't a simultaneously less important yet more vicarious life and all it's for is so we can enjoy our pity and scorn at a scripted reality the Truman Show would've junked as unbelievable.
Look, there is a regular lighter and crueler side to Dr. Nostrum's Jade jibes and yes, saving her skin is a reasonable charitable enterprise so it can be pegged out and displayed as a lesson to all those who seek fame for fame's sake, but something has clearly gone wrong and not only in my brain.
There must be a point at which we recognise our Nero's fiddling as Rome burns. I humbly submit that serialising, trivialising and repackaging the slow death of a young, questionably smart, woman into a Television Reality Soap and glib Trashazine Hooks for the financial benefit of the Media well beyond the financial benefit to her family is one of those markers.
I don't have any morals up here in the cloud, because it's all make believe, but you down there...
Though we are no closer to finding a meaning for Jade Goody's life, in one of the clearest predictions of 2009 (and yes, foul and cynical as I am, hopefully beyond) there will be a long examination for the meaning of her death and it's place as 'Entertainment' on our screens.
(cue bubbly airhead teen voice over) 'Read all about brave Jade's losing battle with Cancer and get 20 great Credit Crunch Cancer beating looks! Only in this week's edition of Uber-Voyeur, only £1.20 at all good Newsagents!'
I really don't think I will. In fact I know I can't. So I will become one of those hated commentators (surely - 'contentators') that pontificate on the morals of this most exquisite hell of an exploitation at a distance. You see, I'm not interested in the minutiae of Jade's serialised death throe, but then, I don't like Slasher films or Grand Theft Auto so I probably exist in a tiny vacuum. No, more than not interested; phobic.
There isn't a simultaneously less important yet more vicarious life and all it's for is so we can enjoy our pity and scorn at a scripted reality the Truman Show would've junked as unbelievable.
Look, there is a regular lighter and crueler side to Dr. Nostrum's Jade jibes and yes, saving her skin is a reasonable charitable enterprise so it can be pegged out and displayed as a lesson to all those who seek fame for fame's sake, but something has clearly gone wrong and not only in my brain.
There must be a point at which we recognise our Nero's fiddling as Rome burns. I humbly submit that serialising, trivialising and repackaging the slow death of a young, questionably smart, woman into a Television Reality Soap and glib Trashazine Hooks for the financial benefit of the Media well beyond the financial benefit to her family is one of those markers.
I don't have any morals up here in the cloud, because it's all make believe, but you down there...
Friday, 30 January 2009
I Don't Want To Work For Diddy
Dr. Nostrum has been tuning in occasionally to I Want To Work For Diddy. Now, I never really wanted to see this, but was wooed by the diddy blogs into a false sense of optimism (but note that there's no diddy blog celebrating the win - I guess the Democrats didn't pay for that one). In fact it was quite hard to watch it a very real sense because it disappeared from one channel after just a few episodes and I haven't had the discipline to keep track of what episode airs when on MTV.
But, of course, having seen it for a few seconds, I have seen it all. Formula stuff, with a vaguely cheap and hugely self important tone from the 'playa's'. Obnoxious and unpleasant ego masquerading as successful and aspirational business acumen - maybe these have always been the same thing.
There was a fabulous highlight with Diddy explaining how far he could achieve anything he set his mind to, which I wish I could find to print verbatim but somehow I have it imprinted on my memory as a dream inspired rant culminating in Puff riding a giraffe bareback and naked in Zimbabwe, that, strangely, being the task he wanted to achieve.
Don't let the highlight fool you though, it's the usual misfits being humiliated into obescience.
I think it is time for the series 'I Don't Want To Work For Diddy' in which every member of the human race bar 20 publicity obsessed lunatics go about their normal life completely bemused by the fact that some people want to debase themselves daily at the whim of egomaniacal celebrities for money and a seat in a muddy trench at the foot of fame.
I see many such programmes ahead, including the Paul McKenna inspired 'I Can't Make You Thin' and 'I Can't Make Him Stop', 'The Price Is Wrong', hosted by Jordan, 'Who Doesn't Want To Be A Millionaire?' and so on. Perhaps we could just make one programme that lasts all day called 'Why?' although to keep it Yoof perhaps just 'Y?
In 'Y?' we, the public, use Torquemada's technique of having TV execs spin out the premise of a story interesting enough to prevent themselves being dropped into a pot of burning pitch.
I'd probably watch it for 10 minutes before turning over to 'My New BFF'
But, of course, having seen it for a few seconds, I have seen it all. Formula stuff, with a vaguely cheap and hugely self important tone from the 'playa's'. Obnoxious and unpleasant ego masquerading as successful and aspirational business acumen - maybe these have always been the same thing.
There was a fabulous highlight with Diddy explaining how far he could achieve anything he set his mind to, which I wish I could find to print verbatim but somehow I have it imprinted on my memory as a dream inspired rant culminating in Puff riding a giraffe bareback and naked in Zimbabwe, that, strangely, being the task he wanted to achieve.
Don't let the highlight fool you though, it's the usual misfits being humiliated into obescience.
I think it is time for the series 'I Don't Want To Work For Diddy' in which every member of the human race bar 20 publicity obsessed lunatics go about their normal life completely bemused by the fact that some people want to debase themselves daily at the whim of egomaniacal celebrities for money and a seat in a muddy trench at the foot of fame.
I see many such programmes ahead, including the Paul McKenna inspired 'I Can't Make You Thin' and 'I Can't Make Him Stop', 'The Price Is Wrong', hosted by Jordan, 'Who Doesn't Want To Be A Millionaire?' and so on. Perhaps we could just make one programme that lasts all day called 'Why?' although to keep it Yoof perhaps just 'Y?
In 'Y?' we, the public, use Torquemada's technique of having TV execs spin out the premise of a story interesting enough to prevent themselves being dropped into a pot of burning pitch.
I'd probably watch it for 10 minutes before turning over to 'My New BFF'
Monday, 26 January 2009
Trans Gender Agenda for Tyrant
And so begins another series on the relentless hagiography that is the America's Top Model conveyor belt. Dr. Nostrum has often said that before she's in the grave every girl in America will be able to say Tyrant belittled her on National TV. In the UK we stay resolutely just behind, as we do with all things American since the 50's, so this is cycle 11.
We're put straight as to the purpose of the show from the get go. The entirely predictable system overload for the glaminator machine "to make better models" must mean Tyrant Tyra Banks is inside, cos no way can she pass up a chance to show us Tyrant is as good as it gets. (This is the point of the show - there, now I've told you the scales will have fallen from your eyes forever more) She seems to have some top lip issues today, with a smeared and shiny barracuda pout to the fore and oddly, they seem to have based the beginning of the show on The Tomorrow People, but i can't believe any of them have seen it. She also has some thunder-thigh issues too, I doubt they'd seem so on a normal woman, but on Tyrant they stand as two thumping revolutionary insurgents despoiling the landscape that is Doriana Gray, still a good looking woman, but one who has lost every shred of inner beauty.
Last Series was Plus Size, this series is Trans Gender. Now, have no doubt, the contestant may not have an agenda but The Show does. "What would being a part of this show do for the Gay and Lesbian community?" asks Tyrant, and the answer; it will increase the profile of Tyra Banks.
We're put straight as to the purpose of the show from the get go. The entirely predictable system overload for the glaminator machine "to make better models" must mean Tyrant Tyra Banks is inside, cos no way can she pass up a chance to show us Tyrant is as good as it gets. (This is the point of the show - there, now I've told you the scales will have fallen from your eyes forever more) She seems to have some top lip issues today, with a smeared and shiny barracuda pout to the fore and oddly, they seem to have based the beginning of the show on The Tomorrow People, but i can't believe any of them have seen it. She also has some thunder-thigh issues too, I doubt they'd seem so on a normal woman, but on Tyrant they stand as two thumping revolutionary insurgents despoiling the landscape that is Doriana Gray, still a good looking woman, but one who has lost every shred of inner beauty.
Last Series was Plus Size, this series is Trans Gender. Now, have no doubt, the contestant may not have an agenda but The Show does. "What would being a part of this show do for the Gay and Lesbian community?" asks Tyrant, and the answer; it will increase the profile of Tyra Banks.
Sunday, 18 January 2009
Farewell Tony Hart
Yes, it was Tony Hart that gave Dr. Nostrum's his first break in the entertainment business, in his very first solo series too, also occasioning (now there's a word that always looks wrong) the purchase of a Video Tape machine, by Ma and Pa Nostrum, to record the young Dr.'s breakthrough moment. We were the first house on the street to have such a machine and none of the neighbours were invited round to see it, seeing as we were a somewhat anti-social family.
Anyhow, the familiar strains of 'Marguerite' began and after several dull but worthy pictures passed us by, there was young Dr. Nostrum (aged 6) Art Work, peering at us through the magic of the television screen for at least 6 or 7 seconds. I would have worn the tape out watching it over and over again had the machine not broken within a month. In my memory the drawing was a beach scene, depicting some stick like figures floating precariously above their sun loungers in the late afternoon sun, but according to my mother it was a precocious work of great merit that would have stood the test of time had it not been chucked in the bin immediately after the show was filmed.
I had some history, you see, having had a piece exhibited at the Royal Academy aged 4, but I can't credit that with any furthering of my ambition as I don't remember it and my parents didn't keep the picture or any record of it ever actually happening. Readers of the blog may notice uncorroborated stories from my childhood here and there - the most odd being the place of my birth changing over the years, my mother never being easy to pin down, the only constant being the day.
I digress. Tony Hart, then, had given me my first taste of fame and my journey had begun. I remember him fondly (perhaps not as fondly as he looked like he might remember the many small boys he helped reach for the star) especially his white line paintings on huge brownfield sites, they linger like the Chalk Hill Drawings except in the sense that I can't remember a single one of them, just that he did them. In truth I preferred Wilf Lunn.
But Tony brought us Morph, in much the same way Tracey Ullman gave us The Simpsons, and made it through Mr. Bennett's complaints, then went on to Hart Beat which strangely became a cop show in later years.
So, goodbye Tony. I hope God has a white line painting machine for you to join up all the constellations for us in the heavens. I shall keep my eyes peeled.
Anyhow, the familiar strains of 'Marguerite' began and after several dull but worthy pictures passed us by, there was young Dr. Nostrum (aged 6) Art Work, peering at us through the magic of the television screen for at least 6 or 7 seconds. I would have worn the tape out watching it over and over again had the machine not broken within a month. In my memory the drawing was a beach scene, depicting some stick like figures floating precariously above their sun loungers in the late afternoon sun, but according to my mother it was a precocious work of great merit that would have stood the test of time had it not been chucked in the bin immediately after the show was filmed.
I had some history, you see, having had a piece exhibited at the Royal Academy aged 4, but I can't credit that with any furthering of my ambition as I don't remember it and my parents didn't keep the picture or any record of it ever actually happening. Readers of the blog may notice uncorroborated stories from my childhood here and there - the most odd being the place of my birth changing over the years, my mother never being easy to pin down, the only constant being the day.
I digress. Tony Hart, then, had given me my first taste of fame and my journey had begun. I remember him fondly (perhaps not as fondly as he looked like he might remember the many small boys he helped reach for the star) especially his white line paintings on huge brownfield sites, they linger like the Chalk Hill Drawings except in the sense that I can't remember a single one of them, just that he did them. In truth I preferred Wilf Lunn.
But Tony brought us Morph, in much the same way Tracey Ullman gave us The Simpsons, and made it through Mr. Bennett's complaints, then went on to Hart Beat which strangely became a cop show in later years.
So, goodbye Tony. I hope God has a white line painting machine for you to join up all the constellations for us in the heavens. I shall keep my eyes peeled.
Mutya Marginalises Midgets
Dr. Nostrum was delighted to hear Mutya Buena (Sugarbabes) nominate Verne Troyer for eviction in UK Celebrity Big Brother because she feels uncomfortable around midgets. Despite her best efforts, cracks in her thus far peerless demeanor are beginning to show. Meanwhile, Tina Malone seems to be resembling a shaved Silverback more and more as the days pass, it was edifying to see her bite her toenails and a blessed relief that she wasn't naked at the time, I fear television sets across the country may have cracked.
3 weeks at sea and they call this entertainment
There - claiming my real hidden title, not often you get a 'tchkn' in a word, except, one imagines, those written by drunk Russians.
So my little jaunt across the Le Mange, or whatever it is these Frenchies call the Channel, is over. A journey, the Doctor reliably informs me, of 3 hours has taken considerably longer. It must have been some navigational mishap or pirates amidship, or something darker and more devious, but I will one day get to the bottom of my peculiar trip to France and my endurance testing return.
For some reason the Doctor has taken a new approach to my discipline and mentoring. Rather than the regular and vicious beatings that I am used to he has somewhat mellowed and is now using me for a footstool in his parlour. His slovely ways are also a boon for when he drops the super noodles as they pass between fork and lip I can easily gobble them up off the Axminster before he notices. My new position has enabled me to enjoy TV for the first time in months and I am relieved to see the return of the finest art of our time - Celebrity Big Brother.
Lacking only the addition of starving lions this is the Hutchknacks favourite broadcast. And this particular series throws up the most imaginative fantasies of sexual congress imaginable. Verne who is well known for his drunken urination feats on previous reality shows holds particular promise. It isn't clear whether he would ever appear on 'Bangamidget.com' as the midgets being banged all appear to be female, although at that scale it can be hard to tell.
This does lead to some interesting mulling over the relative size of things in the trouser department, and it all comes down, one imagines to whether the short person in question is a dwarf or a midget. For as we all know from 'The Office' (UK version) a midget is small in proportion, whereas a Dwarf is short with standard sized head, hand, feet etc. The devil being in the etc. of course.
But let it not be said that the Hutchknack, deformed as he is in mind and body, fixates on those who are physically marginal, the biggest freakery on show was no doubt LaToya's casual referencing of her Mafia connected ex-husband's wife beating antics. She like Jermaine before her and of course the Michael betray very few signs of being human at all. One can barely imagine the fatherly conduct that created such a brood of space elves.
I am particularly enjoying the clodhopping courtship of the ethereal LaToya by the Celestial Gangster Coolio, a man for whom the words, "Shut up, fuck off and die" are interpreted by his brain as a call of "Encore, Maestro!"
So my little jaunt across the Le Mange, or whatever it is these Frenchies call the Channel, is over. A journey, the Doctor reliably informs me, of 3 hours has taken considerably longer. It must have been some navigational mishap or pirates amidship, or something darker and more devious, but I will one day get to the bottom of my peculiar trip to France and my endurance testing return.
For some reason the Doctor has taken a new approach to my discipline and mentoring. Rather than the regular and vicious beatings that I am used to he has somewhat mellowed and is now using me for a footstool in his parlour. His slovely ways are also a boon for when he drops the super noodles as they pass between fork and lip I can easily gobble them up off the Axminster before he notices. My new position has enabled me to enjoy TV for the first time in months and I am relieved to see the return of the finest art of our time - Celebrity Big Brother.
Lacking only the addition of starving lions this is the Hutchknacks favourite broadcast. And this particular series throws up the most imaginative fantasies of sexual congress imaginable. Verne who is well known for his drunken urination feats on previous reality shows holds particular promise. It isn't clear whether he would ever appear on 'Bangamidget.com' as the midgets being banged all appear to be female, although at that scale it can be hard to tell.
This does lead to some interesting mulling over the relative size of things in the trouser department, and it all comes down, one imagines to whether the short person in question is a dwarf or a midget. For as we all know from 'The Office' (UK version) a midget is small in proportion, whereas a Dwarf is short with standard sized head, hand, feet etc. The devil being in the etc. of course.
But let it not be said that the Hutchknack, deformed as he is in mind and body, fixates on those who are physically marginal, the biggest freakery on show was no doubt LaToya's casual referencing of her Mafia connected ex-husband's wife beating antics. She like Jermaine before her and of course the Michael betray very few signs of being human at all. One can barely imagine the fatherly conduct that created such a brood of space elves.
I am particularly enjoying the clodhopping courtship of the ethereal LaToya by the Celestial Gangster Coolio, a man for whom the words, "Shut up, fuck off and die" are interpreted by his brain as a call of "Encore, Maestro!"
I’m A Celebrity, Get Me In Her.
Alas poor Kilroy, he was chucked off backwards. Dr Nostrum has booked a New Years Break at the I'm A 'Celebrity' Get Me Out Of Here camp for me and M in the New Year. I had often wondered and recently confirmed that the site is a Year round venue where as many different Nationalities are shoed in as possible, but between Sweden and Eritrea, M and I have a chance to get away from it all.
The package includes a few of the choice Bushtucker Trials - Sucking off a Wombat, Dry Cleaning a Crocodile and Shitting into Anthony McPartlins mouth from a high branch - once much favoured by the Plastic Duck carrying Derelict who we all knew as Gazza, now, a broken, shadowy soul almost as physically feeble as shrunken Ben Gazzara.
Although we do get interviewed periodically, fortunately there's no-one to really vote us off, although if you wanted to call in - +448445-930-616(1) for the Dr. -616(2) for M - the money goes to a cause of our choice. Namely, preserving the skin of Jade Goody, which is a long cherished project of the Dr's, as some of you may be aware, soon to be seen as a series on Living (proceeds less costs and profit to her children). She'll go on the Lounge wall next to Des O'Connor, but may require a slightly larger board to be pegged out on.
Still, to keep us happy there is a sham eviction each morning, where we have hired Robert Kilroy Silk to be voted off each day. He does though have to be kept in the manner he expects between daily takes, so we also have Fatima Siad in for him to split each morning, after which he gets to personally re-circumcise her in readiness to split her the following day, etc. Fatima seems reasonably Ok with this arrangement as it keeps her away from Tyrant Banks whilst allowing her to publicise the cause closest to her arse.
At the end of the two week break we get our walk of shame and patronisation and of course the whole holiday is filmed so we can cherish it forever. An unexpected bonus is the whisper that Ant may be available to shit into for other functions, but I can't say that either I or M liked the way he looked up at our stars. He just didn't have that air of superiority we value, in fact there was just that whiff of desperation in the eyes which sullied the fun I'm afraid, for me particularly. Still, we may give him a try, I wouldn't want to second guess the requirements of visiting luminaries at the Castle.
The package includes a few of the choice Bushtucker Trials - Sucking off a Wombat, Dry Cleaning a Crocodile and Shitting into Anthony McPartlins mouth from a high branch - once much favoured by the Plastic Duck carrying Derelict who we all knew as Gazza, now, a broken, shadowy soul almost as physically feeble as shrunken Ben Gazzara.
Although we do get interviewed periodically, fortunately there's no-one to really vote us off, although if you wanted to call in - +448445-930-616(1) for the Dr. -616(2) for M - the money goes to a cause of our choice. Namely, preserving the skin of Jade Goody, which is a long cherished project of the Dr's, as some of you may be aware, soon to be seen as a series on Living (proceeds less costs and profit to her children). She'll go on the Lounge wall next to Des O'Connor, but may require a slightly larger board to be pegged out on.
Still, to keep us happy there is a sham eviction each morning, where we have hired Robert Kilroy Silk to be voted off each day. He does though have to be kept in the manner he expects between daily takes, so we also have Fatima Siad in for him to split each morning, after which he gets to personally re-circumcise her in readiness to split her the following day, etc. Fatima seems reasonably Ok with this arrangement as it keeps her away from Tyrant Banks whilst allowing her to publicise the cause closest to her arse.
At the end of the two week break we get our walk of shame and patronisation and of course the whole holiday is filmed so we can cherish it forever. An unexpected bonus is the whisper that Ant may be available to shit into for other functions, but I can't say that either I or M liked the way he looked up at our stars. He just didn't have that air of superiority we value, in fact there was just that whiff of desperation in the eyes which sullied the fun I'm afraid, for me particularly. Still, we may give him a try, I wouldn't want to second guess the requirements of visiting luminaries at the Castle.
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