DR. NOSTRUM
So we could be... Something in, er,
OK... so he's been irrelevant for
at least twenty five years during
which he's been pitching his film
about how the commercial reaction
to... something, er, is...
HUTCHBACK
To the death of the end of the
culture cult... end of the can...
end of counter culture is... has,
er, been the death of the
American... soul. It's a very
pompous pretentious political fable
that no-one's interested in except
him.
DR. NOSTRUM
(ready to type it up)
So, how the commercial reaction...
to what?
HUTCHBACK
To the end of the counter
culture...
DR. NOSTRUM
(pause to think deeply)
Oh. OK. I understand. OK.
HUTCHBACK
(slowly)
Signalled the death of the American
soul.
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, OK. (pause) Do you think that
actually means we should come up
with a movie? We'll wait. We'll
wait for that. If someone pays us
to do it, we'll do it.
HUTCHBACK
It's not a very... it wouldn't make
a very interesting movie. In fact,
it's been done. It's been done on
many forms.
DR. NOSTRUM
OK.
HUTCHBACK
Forrest Gump, for God's sake, kind
of addressed it. Any historical
film set across multiple...
DR. NOSTRUM
So you know what?
HUTCHBACK
...decades.
DR. NOSTRUM
That, in fact, that could be a
great... When he's pitching that to
these people, they could say...
HUTCHBACK
"Oh, yeah...
TOGETHER
"like Forrest Gump"
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. So, that's good. So in the
pitch that opens the show, yeah?
HUTCHBACK
(in character)
"Well, we've got another project
that's a bit Gump-ish at the
moment, so, not interested in that
specifically, but we'd love to work
with you..." What's his first name?
DR. NOSTRUM
We don't have a first name.
HUTCHBACK
He needs a first name.
DR. NOSTRUM
No. Like 'Morse'.
HUTCHBACK
No. Because when they refer to
him...
DR. NOSTRUM
Frank.
HUTCHBACK
(tries it out)
Frank. Frank Green. No.
DR. NOSTRUM
Mm.
HUTCHBACK
Jack Green.
DR. NOSTRUM
Jack Green? It's not bad.
(Ironically) Hughie? Jack Green.
Well leave it for the moment.
HUTCHBACK
"But we want to work with you
Jack."
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.
HUTCHBACK
"We've got a project that we think
is just perfect for you." OK. So
then he goes home in an absolute
rage.
DR. NOSTRUM
I don't like the idea of
referencing the orange film board,
giving it any...
HUTCHBACK
No, no, don;t talk about that at
all.
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, right. OK.
HUTCHBACK
Leave that bit out. (sarcastically)
Yeah, we're ripping off an advert
for our TV show.
DR. NOSTRUM
Er.
Hutchback has brought cake in from the Kitchen.
HUTCHBACK
So you want the big piece or the
little piece?
DR. NOSTRUM
They look the same.
HUTCHBACK
(giving him a slice)
Take the big piece then.
DR. NOSTRUM
Erm. That's not a bad place to
actually say something like... "In
the pitch that opens his part of
the show" you could say, you know?
"That opens his introduction to the
show" you know? "Introduction to...
to...
HUTCHBACK
Man, that's good cake!
DR. NOSTRUM
"In the pitch that opens his
introduction to the show..." The
response to his film... could be
what? "Like, you mean like Forrest
Gump?" or something like that?
Alright, whatever, I'll find a way
to say that. Er, so, but anyway...
(sounds of typing) "We want to work
with you"
HUTCHBACK
No, "We have the perfect project
for you, Jack." (pause) or "We want
to work with you."
DR. NOSTRUM
"We think we've got the perfect
project for you." "We think we've
got the perfect project." And that
would be enough, basically, to
introduce him?
HUTCHBACK
Mm-hmm, and then you go to the next
thing.
DR. NOSTRUM
And then you've got your guy
looking out his window. In any
order, this could be in any order.
So we've got Zack... "Zack is
peering out of his... his apartment
window." And let's say his Mum's
with him, that's fine, we can do
that too.
HUTCHBACK
(eating)
Mm-hmm.
DR. NOSTRUM
And, er... "What are you looking
at?", he says "It doesn't matter."
HUTCHBACK
That's very nice cake.
DR. NOSTRUM
(takes a bite)
Ooh. It's very gooey. Mmm.
HUTCHBACK
It's banana.
DR. NOSTRUM
Mm.
HUTCHBACK
So...
DR. NOSTRUM
Could his Mum be there. Immediately
make the point that he's got this
Jewish Mum.
HUTCHBACK
I think we need to set this up...
His whole, um, kind of, career
success level, um, straightaway.
So, he's...
DR. NOSTRUM
He's getting ready for work?
HUTCHBACK
Where would he be living? He'd be
living in some shit part of town.
DR. NOSTRUM
(not certain)
I don't know. I don't really know
what it's like. OK, he's looking
out his apartment window in...
HUTCHBACK
In...
DR. NOSTRUM
In a low rent...
HUTCHBACK
N-n-no wait, let's find...
DR. NOSTRUM
Low rent part of town.
HUTCHBACK
Let's find a...
DR. NOSTRUM
What? You going to do this on
Google Earth or something?
HUTCHBACK
No, no. I'm just going to see if we
can find a neighborhood that's...
DR. NOSTRUM
Burbank?
HUTCHBACK
..a bad neighborhood.
DR. NOSTRUM
I think Burbank is s'posed to be.
It's very...
HUTCHBACK
No, it's, er...
DR. NOSTRUM
It changes you see, I don't think
it's that relevant, by the time we
do talk about this we won't know
what the hell we're talking about
anyway, so... OK. If you want. What
are you looking for "low rent L.A.
Neighborhoods?" Why don't you just
put that in there? Put in
"Apartment rental L.A." See if you
get 'low rents' somewhere? You know
what, why don't we make it where we
went: West Hollywood? You know,
where we were walking around, where
that bar was with the transvestites
'n that? At least we can remember
it.
HUTCHBACK
No, cos it sounds... cos it sounds
too much like... Well, OK, i'm
thinking about English viewers,
but..
DR. NOSTRUM
No, forget about England because to
the people there, you know, they'll
just relocate it, but at least
we'll be able to think about, it
you know? Like, Venice was nice,
where were we that wasn't that
nice?
Hutchback scours the internet.
HUTCHBACK
Oh, that's good! That's a good
area. Paramount, apparently.
DR. NOSTRUM
So he's in a low rent part of
Paramount, yeah? Why don't you pull
it up on Google Earth or something?
Or Google Maps? Pick a street,
(muttering) oh, no, it doesn't
matter. OK, Zack... low rent part
of Paramount... he's getting ready
to go to wrok, yeah?
HUTCHBACK
Or Long Beach?
DR. NOSTRUM
I don't know. I really don;t know,
I've no idea.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, no, Long Beach is good. In
Long Beach, it says, the lower the
price, the more ghetto it is. Yeah,
let's say he's in Long Beach.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, but that might be a positive
comment. It might be a good
comment.
HUTCHBACK
No, no, I know Long Beach. Long
Beach is referenced in lots of old
rap songs, so it must be a shitty
area.
DR. NOSTRUM
OK. Well, we don't know if that's
right. It might suggest to the
people reading it that he's black.
So, what he is...
you know what, let's just say "Jack
is, er, is a twenty-something..."
yeah? "Is a twenty-something...
HUTCHBACK
(reading the web more)
Ah, there again, "No, stay out of
Norwalk and Paramount, good lord,
do you have a death wish?"
DR. NOSTRUM
Mm. Do you think? Is he that poor?
HUTCHBACK
Yes. He has to be, he's
completely... he hasn't got... he
doesn't do anything.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, he works...
HUTCHBACK
He works at flushing out people's
shit for a living.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. Yeah, but that might be well
paid, I don't know. For all I know
that's a good job.
HUTCHBACK
It probably is, yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Why don't you look up colonic
irrigation jobs? (Hutchback starts
laughing). Look, just look it up
and see what you come up with. See
what the pay is. There must be one
advertised?
HUTCHBACK
I bet it is well paid actually. If
you think about it. It's a skilled
profession and, um, it's not very
desirable.
DR. NOSTRUM
Look it up on Monster.
HUTCHBACK
On, Monster, hah! It'd be good if
they captured all the search
criteria and from then on they keep
sending me all these colonic
irrigation posts.
DR. NOSTRUM
See, he could be saying that. One
of the things he's doing with
Jimmy: he's tapping away, you know
"Oh, I'm on Monster looking for
another...
TOGETHER
"...colonic irrigation."
HUTCHBACK
Let's say he's re-trained, as, er,
re-training as a colonic... So he's
a trainee. OK. This is it, he's not
actually working there, he's
training.
DR. NOSTRUM
I just want to remember that line,
hold on (types) "I'm on Monster
looking for a...
HUTCHBACK
(chuckling)
Colonic irrigation job.
DR. NOSTRUM
"... colonic irrigation gig."
HUTCHBACK
To become a colonic irrigation
therapist. That, I think, is the
official title.
DR. NOSTRUM
Is it?
HUTCHBACK
Yes.
DR. NOSTRUM
OK. So he's a trainee...
HUTCHBACK
He's a trainee colonic irrigation
therapist.
DR. NOSTRUM
Wait. Part time.
HUTCHBACK
Part time.
DR. NOSTRUM
Right, that's what it must be
because he needs time for his
industry...
HUTCHBACK
Oh, maybe they have...
DR. NOSTRUM
(shouts)
You know what! That's the other...
Oh, go on...
HUTCHBACK
No. Maybe he has a... in the way
that trainee hairdressers have a,
kind if, hair model thing at
home...
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, yeah. He has an arse.
HUTCHBACK
He has an arse and a pipe.
DR. NOSTRUM
And the other thing I was thinking
is that this job, in this job...
this is important, that he has, he
starts to recognise people at
parties, because he's looking
around...
HUTCHBACK
Looking at their arses.
DR. NOSTRUM
... at their arses. So he's like
"Hello, have we met?" you know,
this sort of thing? And so he
thinks it's a good way to network.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
So maybe that's it, he tells Jimmy
it's a good place to network.
HUTCHBACK
He shakes someone's hand and "That
feels very familiar."
DR. NOSTRUM
I just have this idea that you
never see the person. I don't know,
but I can't imagine that's the
layout, but I like the idea that
you only have a curtain and that
you get the arse coming through the
curtain, cos all these people are
famous, so, you know... So. "He's a
trainee part time colonic irri...
HUTCHBACK
Colonic irrigation therapist.
DR. NOSTRUM
At a very shi-shi clinic. Yeah?
HUTCHBACK
Well, no, he's at colonic
irrigation school? I don't know?
He's a trainee.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well I think he's in the
business...
HUTCHBACK
Oh, OK.
DR. NOSTRUM
... but the reason he's doing it is
because that's where all the TV
people go. Yeah? So he's got on
this job where all the TV people go
and he thinks he can recognise them
at parties.
HUTCHBACK
Oh, you know what... This is much
better, cos colonic irrigation
is... it's kind of not funny
because it's so obvious...
DR. NOSTRUM
Right.
HUTCHBACK
The other way to refer to them is
as "A Colon Hydrotherapist". I
think that's much, much better.
DR. NOSTRUM
OK. "Part Time Colon..."
HUTCHBACK
"Hydrotherapist."
DR. NOSTRUM
Hold on.
HUTCHBACK
Cos it take you half a second to
realise what it is.
DR. NOSTRUM
I like the idea that they've got
the word 'rapist' at the end of the
word. Which I always thought was
quite funny with the, er...
HUTCHBACK
Hydro The Rapist.
DR. NOSTRUM
It's good. That could be his online
name. Hydro the...
HUTCHBACK
Hydro the Rapist... Yeah, he's this
Hydrotherapist...
DR. NOSTRUM
And in blogs...
HUTCHBACK
And he accidentally puts a space in
it and so, he goes in as Hydro The
Rapist.
DR. NOSTRUM
Like, his calling card.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
That could be one of his...
HUTCHBACK
(imitating reading the
card)
"Hydro The Rapist?"
DR. NOSTRUM
OK. "His calling card accidentally
has a..."
HUTCHBACK
Has a space.
DR. NOSTRUM
It could be part of the episode, he
just gets his cards and he doesn't
look.
HUTCHBACK
Maybe cos he goes to, like, a
machine to get them?
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, yeah, he doesn't see that it
has a spell-checker, that could be
it. It doesn't know the word it so
it splits it up for him. OK. So
"he's a part-time colon
hydrotherapist, er, at a very
exclusive clinic"?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Where all the industry go? OK.
That's good.
HUTCHBACK
OK. His mum's not there, because we
want him to be going to work.
DR. NOSTRUM
Is he, er, can I write "he's a
schlub Jewish twenty-something?"
Why not?
HUTCHBACK
(disparagingly)
No. Schlub. No.
DR. NOSTRUM
He's a Jewish twenty-something.
HUTCHBACK
He's a Jewish twenty-something
waster.
DR. NOSTRUM
A Jewish twenty-something
irritating waster.
HUTCHBACK
No, not irritating, just put
"waster".
DR. NOSTRUM
OK. "With designs on..." Were there
any jobs, by the way, for colonic
hydrotherapist?
HUTCHBACK
Sadly, no.
DR. NOSTRUM
It doesn't tell you what kind of
wage they get?
HUTCHBACK
No.
DR. NOSTRUM
So how do you get the job? I guess
you just turn up? "With designs on
being a Reality TV producer."
HUTCHBACK
Oh, here we go, directory of
therapists and courses. Oh, this is
good information. Maybe he can be
at a lecture and he's, er...
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, at some point.
HUTCHBACK
"The practice was repeatedly used
in ancient Egypt, China and India."
DR. NOSTRUM
For what? Preparing Mummies?
HUTCHBACK
No! No...
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, it's always been used.
HUTCHBACK
... for living humans.
DR. NOSTRUM
It's always been used though.
HUTCHBACK
Well I didn't know that. (Implying
that thus, it can't be common
knowledge)
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, it's really old. Even tribes,
um, Amazonian tribes have this
thing where you've got, like, they
put, like, fish guts and things
like that on a wire and feed it up
through your arse, right, yeah,
this is a very... I don't know how
I know this... bizarre knowledge...
and it... just to irrigate your
system they do that periodically,
like once every three months or
something.
HUTCHBACK
Fish guts on a wire up your arse.
That doesn't sound that good for
you.
DR. NOSTRUM
Not on a wire, on a little creeper
or something...
The Hutchback starts laughing at this ludicrous premise.
DR. NOSTRUM (CONT'D)
... or you swallow it? Oh, no,
that's what it was, it was that you
swallow it. You remember that
bloke, Crumb's brother, that was
that practice, that they eat the
string, a bit of string.
HUTCHBACK
And then he pulls it out.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.
HUTCHBACK
Right. I'm about to use Turbo-lok.
Showing posts with label science. Show all posts
Showing posts with label science. Show all posts
Sunday, 5 December 2010
Thursday, 2 December 2010
All Talk 69 - On Lead Characters and A Purpose for Biology
Another small jump and then we're back in with the lead role
character being invented.
HUTCHBACK (CONT'D)
He... His... He didn't manage to
make the transition to
commercial... to totally commercial
film making, so... and he's had
this pet project for twenty-five
years, let's say, that...
DR. NOSTRUM
And is it good, or is it terrible?
HUTCHBACK
No! It's good...
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, OK.
HUTCHBACK
... it's about how America lost
it's soul. How the, the, the
last... the counter... the reaction
to the counter-culture, from the
eighties onwards, has destroyed the
soul of America. So it's this very
pompous... but it's kind of a bit
like Tom Wolfe, if you roll up
things like Tom Wolfe, er, Bonfire
Of The Vanities and, kind of...
DR. NOSTRUM
So it's kind of like one of those
Orange Film Pitches?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, exactly.
DR. NOSTRUM
OK.
HUTCHBACK
He wants to make this very
serious... that's a good way to...
DR. NOSTRUM
Explain it to anyone in Britain.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
I don't know if they run in
America, they might run in
America... So, but his project is
about (reading notes the Dr. has
been typing) how the reaction to
the counter-culture... no, I've got
this wring now, cos I don't know
anything about this, so, what is it
you were... the words were quite
good. I've recorded them though, I
suppose, so...
HUTCHBACK
His film is about the... how the...
the... the kind of commercial
reaction to the counter-culture of
the sixties led to the...
DR. NOSTRUM
Hold... Hold on!
HUTCHBACK
... death.
DR. NOSTRUM
Hold on, this is how you write, OK?
"The commercial..." what?
HUTCHBACK
The commercial...
DR. NOSTRUM
Or would you rather I just listened
to it over and over again and get
it as you said it?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
OK. Fine.
HUTCHBACK
I can't remember what I said.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, I can't remember what you said
either. It's OK, his film is about
all this stuff that no one is
interested in...
HUTCHBACK
(laughing at the Dr's
banality)
That no one is interested in...
DR. NOSTRUM
... and he's been trying to pitch
it for twenty-five years.
HUTCHBACK
... and he's been trying to pitch
it for twenty-five years and in the
meantime has been making, kind
of... he has been making movies,
but they've been drying up and the
last ten years he's not made
anything. Cos clearly he was
trading on his reputation.
DR. NOSTRUM
OK.
Hutchback gets distracted by a moth.
HUTCHBACK
It's wierd the way that moths kind
of, when they die... a couple of
days after they're dead, they turn
into dust.
DR. NOSTRUM
See, this is... this to me, that's
how we write. Is that what we would
do is that. You're talking about
the show and then you just go off
on a tangent into something that,
you know, is actually what's going
on in the world. That's what I
like, that's what I think the show
should be.
HUTCHBACK
It's funny, cos I killed a moth
last night...
DR. NOSTRUM
Ah.
HUTCHBACK
... but I couldn't be bothered to
pick it up and I thought I'll leave
it till tomorrow, but then I left
it twenty four hours and it fucking
turned to dust.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, they do. Moth dust.
HUTCHBACK
The other thing... The other thing
I noticed was a spider that had
died...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, they go like that (making a
claw with his hand).
HUTCHBACK
No, no, no...
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh.
HUTCHBACK
... this one was particularly
bizarre because I tried to pick it
up and one of it's legs was stuck
in the carpet...
DR. NOSTRUM
(feeling sorry for it)
Aah.
HUTCHBACK
... so obviously what had happened,
it was walking along, it's leg got
caught...
DR. NOSTRUM
It got caught, and it starved to
death!
HUTCHBACK
(overlapping)
And it starved to death.
DR. NOSTRUM
Fuckin' hell.
HUTCHBACK
What a way to go, eh? Knowing.
DR. NOSTRUM
Knowing what?
HUTCHBACK
Knowing, that you were basically...
DR. NOSTRUM
But it doesn't know anything.
HUTCHBACK
... that that's it for you.
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh. Well, I'm not... yeah.
HUTCHBACK
That's it. That's it for you.
Although actually, most adult
insects never eat. A lot of them
never eat. Did you know that.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, I didn't know that.
HUTCHBACK
It's true. That the pupa...
DR. NOSTRUM
How does anyone know that?
HUTCHBACK
(incredulous)
What do you mean how does anyone
know that?
DR. NOSTRUM
I don't know, I mean...
HUTCHBACK
It's called fucking science, that's
how people know it! Jesus Christ!
DR. NOSTRUM
(defensively)
OK.
HUTCHBACK
How does anyone know that? How does
anyone know fucking anything?! Cos
they observe and they, you know,
make records...
DR. NOSTRUM
It just think it seems a pointless
experiments to watch insects...
HUTCHBACK
(overlapping, mocking)
Why? What? Oh, Biology: Pointless!
Biology: fucking get rid of it.
It's absolutely pointless, cos all
you're doing all day is fucking
looking at insects. What is the
point?! (Disbelieving) Fucking
hell. (Breathless pause) And you've
got an 'O' level.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, but... No, actually I don't
know if I did get the 'O' level.
HUTCHBACK
No. I got the 'O' level
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, you got the 'O' level.
HUTCHBACK
(still disbelieving of the
Dr's stance)
What's the point?? Oh, I love it.
But, um, but, no, let me explain,
cos most...
this is important, this is adding
to your knowledge - Most insects,
they eat in the larval stage...
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh.
HUTCHBACK
... and then they come into the
adult stage and they breed,
although having said that, spiders
obviously do eat. Adult spiders do
eat, cos they're not insects.
DR. NOSTRUM
(not convinced)
Right.
HUTCHBACK
No, but clearly they catch things
and eat them.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, I've seen that. But as you
point out, they're not insects.
HUTCHBACK
But. Moths. Adult moths don't eat.
I've learnt a lot about moths...
after my infestation. Did I tell
you about our moth infestation?
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.
HUTCHBACK
Oh, yes, I did.
DR. NOSTRUM
Several times.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah. But now we're recording it...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, OK, tell me again.
HUTCHBACK
No, I don't need to tell you, but
we had a... there's actually
nothing funny about it, it's
quite... it's just disturbing:
coming back to a house covered in
moth larvae.
DR. NOSTRUM
How many were there? Carpet moths?
HUTCHBACK
Hundreds...
DR. NOSTRUM
(not impressed)
Oh, hundreds, well...
HUTCHBACK
... no, they were on the ceiling,
they were on the ceiling.
DR. NOSTRUM
(hopefully)
There might have been thousands?
HUTCHBACK
No, there weren't thousands, cos it
would have taken me a lot longer to
vacuum them all down... No, because
they...
DR. NOSTRUM
Why were larvae on the ceiling?
HUTCHBACK
No, because these ones, they're
trained to go up...
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh.
HUTCHBACK
To crawl up the...
DR. NOSTRUM
To get out the way of things that
might eat them on the ground I
suppose?
HUTCHBACK
Maybe, but...
DR. NOSTRUM
So they just keep going up?
HUTCHBACK
Well, no, they don't keep going up,
they go up and they look for the
corners.
DR. NOSTRUM
What?
HUTCHBACK
And I'm thinking, "How do they know
what a corner is?"
DR. NOSTRUM
Well...
HUTCHBACK
No...
DR. NOSTRUM
It's a point where you can't get
any further.
HUTCHBACK
But how does a larvae...
DR. NOSTRUM
You can't get any further, that's
the point, isn't it? Without going
like down and around?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, well, I suppose so. Starts
chuckling) "You can't go any
further." That's how they base
their whole...
DR. NOSTRUM
Probably.
HUTCHBACK
It's just, keep crawling until you
can't go any further.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. That's probably what it is.
HUTCHBACK
No, but I don't think they even
have that basic... I don't think
they even have that.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, they've got something.
HUTCHBACK
(overlapping)
I bet they're just purely working
from gravity?
And they know which way's up and
which way's down and that's
probably about it.
DR. NOSTRUM
So, why... Well, anyway...
HUTCHBACK
Anyway.
DR. NOSTRUM
... they all end up in the corner,
so presumably, some people spend
their lives worrying about that?
Another pointless scientific
experiment, but anyway...
HUTCHBACK
Why have they gone for the corners?
DR. NOSTRUM
So? Are...
HUTCHBACK
We know that they go for the
corners so they can probably...
DR. NOSTRUM
... are there many corners in
nature?
HUTCHBACK
That's a very interesting point.
DR. NOSTRUM
There aren't really.
HUTCHBACK
You do get them, presumably, in
certain rock formations, (drifting
off in thought) but not in their
natural habitat I would have
thought.
DR. NOSTRUM
Do you think so? I wouldn't have
thought you get corners anywhere.
HUTCHBACK
You do in rocks.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, not many.
HUTCHBACK
Not many...
DR. NOSTRUM
You know, so...
HUTCHBACK
... occasionally you get a corner.
The Hutchback has made it back to the kitchen.
HUTCHBACK (CONT'D)
OK. Do you want a large...?
DR. NOSTRUM
Tea. Yes, I'd like a tea. So,
somehow, moths have, moth larvae
have adapted to the human thing...
HUTCHBACK
Yes, of course.
DR. NOSTRUM
... by learning about corners.
HUTCHBACK
Yes.
DR. NOSTRUM
Any corner? It has to be a corner
up, rather than down or across? So
that's... That's how it happens
then, they just keep going up. What
they do is they go across, until
they can't go across anymore, then
they go along, till they can't go
along, and then they go up! That's
it! That's how it works. That must
be how it works, that's just three
things that have to be programmed.
HUTCHBACK
I wonder what their actual
perception of a corner is?
DR. NOSTRUM
No, but that would be... If you
were just programming a computer to
look for a corner that's how you
would do it.
It would just be "you go until you
can't go anymore and what you never
ever do, is you never go back on
yourself." And that means you would
always end up in a corner, right?
Like writing.
HUTCHBACK
But, you'd have thought it would be
better for them to go behind stuff?
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, they would...
HUTCHBACK
But it's harder.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, but they would go behind
stuff...
HUTCHBACK
No. That's harder.
DR. NOSTRUM
No it isn't. Because if you can get
behind it you're still moving, so
it's the same programming. It's the
same...
HUTCHBACK
No, say you've got, like, something
there (points to a picture on the
wall) along a wall, it's safer
behind something...
DR. NOSTRUM
But...
HUTCHBACK
... than exposed...
DR. NOSTRUM
... but they would be...
HUTCHBACK
... in a corner.
DR. NOSTRUM
... but they would be behind it.
HUTCHBACK
I can't believe what we're talking
about.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, we'll just leave it. But I
would suggest that they would be
behind something. It's just natural
selection. So, the ones that manage
to make it behind something are
more likely to survive...
HUTCHBACK
(overlapping)
Are more likely to live.
DR. NOSTRUM
... thus, those ones...
HUTCHBACK
But, there aren't that many
corners...
DR. NOSTRUM
Behind things.
HUTCHBACK
... at the top that are behind
things.
DR. NOSTRUM
No.
HUTCHBACK
Because there's nothing, there's
just ceiling...
DR. NOSTRUM
That's true.
HUTCHBACK
So it would be better being in a
bottom corner...
DR. NOSTRUM
That's what I would have thought.
I'm surprised they were on the
ceiling. Why do you think they were
on the ceiling?
HUTCHBACK
They're fucking stupid, that's why,
they're fucking moth larvae.
DR. NOSTRUM
Biology. That's why we rule the
world and they don't.
HUTCHBACK
Yep. (Pause) So, where were we?
character being invented.
HUTCHBACK (CONT'D)
He... His... He didn't manage to
make the transition to
commercial... to totally commercial
film making, so... and he's had
this pet project for twenty-five
years, let's say, that...
DR. NOSTRUM
And is it good, or is it terrible?
HUTCHBACK
No! It's good...
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, OK.
HUTCHBACK
... it's about how America lost
it's soul. How the, the, the
last... the counter... the reaction
to the counter-culture, from the
eighties onwards, has destroyed the
soul of America. So it's this very
pompous... but it's kind of a bit
like Tom Wolfe, if you roll up
things like Tom Wolfe, er, Bonfire
Of The Vanities and, kind of...
DR. NOSTRUM
So it's kind of like one of those
Orange Film Pitches?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, exactly.
DR. NOSTRUM
OK.
HUTCHBACK
He wants to make this very
serious... that's a good way to...
DR. NOSTRUM
Explain it to anyone in Britain.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
I don't know if they run in
America, they might run in
America... So, but his project is
about (reading notes the Dr. has
been typing) how the reaction to
the counter-culture... no, I've got
this wring now, cos I don't know
anything about this, so, what is it
you were... the words were quite
good. I've recorded them though, I
suppose, so...
HUTCHBACK
His film is about the... how the...
the... the kind of commercial
reaction to the counter-culture of
the sixties led to the...
DR. NOSTRUM
Hold... Hold on!
HUTCHBACK
... death.
DR. NOSTRUM
Hold on, this is how you write, OK?
"The commercial..." what?
HUTCHBACK
The commercial...
DR. NOSTRUM
Or would you rather I just listened
to it over and over again and get
it as you said it?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
OK. Fine.
HUTCHBACK
I can't remember what I said.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, I can't remember what you said
either. It's OK, his film is about
all this stuff that no one is
interested in...
HUTCHBACK
(laughing at the Dr's
banality)
That no one is interested in...
DR. NOSTRUM
... and he's been trying to pitch
it for twenty-five years.
HUTCHBACK
... and he's been trying to pitch
it for twenty-five years and in the
meantime has been making, kind
of... he has been making movies,
but they've been drying up and the
last ten years he's not made
anything. Cos clearly he was
trading on his reputation.
DR. NOSTRUM
OK.
Hutchback gets distracted by a moth.
HUTCHBACK
It's wierd the way that moths kind
of, when they die... a couple of
days after they're dead, they turn
into dust.
DR. NOSTRUM
See, this is... this to me, that's
how we write. Is that what we would
do is that. You're talking about
the show and then you just go off
on a tangent into something that,
you know, is actually what's going
on in the world. That's what I
like, that's what I think the show
should be.
HUTCHBACK
It's funny, cos I killed a moth
last night...
DR. NOSTRUM
Ah.
HUTCHBACK
... but I couldn't be bothered to
pick it up and I thought I'll leave
it till tomorrow, but then I left
it twenty four hours and it fucking
turned to dust.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, they do. Moth dust.
HUTCHBACK
The other thing... The other thing
I noticed was a spider that had
died...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, they go like that (making a
claw with his hand).
HUTCHBACK
No, no, no...
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh.
HUTCHBACK
... this one was particularly
bizarre because I tried to pick it
up and one of it's legs was stuck
in the carpet...
DR. NOSTRUM
(feeling sorry for it)
Aah.
HUTCHBACK
... so obviously what had happened,
it was walking along, it's leg got
caught...
DR. NOSTRUM
It got caught, and it starved to
death!
HUTCHBACK
(overlapping)
And it starved to death.
DR. NOSTRUM
Fuckin' hell.
HUTCHBACK
What a way to go, eh? Knowing.
DR. NOSTRUM
Knowing what?
HUTCHBACK
Knowing, that you were basically...
DR. NOSTRUM
But it doesn't know anything.
HUTCHBACK
... that that's it for you.
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh. Well, I'm not... yeah.
HUTCHBACK
That's it. That's it for you.
Although actually, most adult
insects never eat. A lot of them
never eat. Did you know that.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, I didn't know that.
HUTCHBACK
It's true. That the pupa...
DR. NOSTRUM
How does anyone know that?
HUTCHBACK
(incredulous)
What do you mean how does anyone
know that?
DR. NOSTRUM
I don't know, I mean...
HUTCHBACK
It's called fucking science, that's
how people know it! Jesus Christ!
DR. NOSTRUM
(defensively)
OK.
HUTCHBACK
How does anyone know that? How does
anyone know fucking anything?! Cos
they observe and they, you know,
make records...
DR. NOSTRUM
It just think it seems a pointless
experiments to watch insects...
HUTCHBACK
(overlapping, mocking)
Why? What? Oh, Biology: Pointless!
Biology: fucking get rid of it.
It's absolutely pointless, cos all
you're doing all day is fucking
looking at insects. What is the
point?! (Disbelieving) Fucking
hell. (Breathless pause) And you've
got an 'O' level.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, but... No, actually I don't
know if I did get the 'O' level.
HUTCHBACK
No. I got the 'O' level
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, you got the 'O' level.
HUTCHBACK
(still disbelieving of the
Dr's stance)
What's the point?? Oh, I love it.
But, um, but, no, let me explain,
cos most...
this is important, this is adding
to your knowledge - Most insects,
they eat in the larval stage...
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh.
HUTCHBACK
... and then they come into the
adult stage and they breed,
although having said that, spiders
obviously do eat. Adult spiders do
eat, cos they're not insects.
DR. NOSTRUM
(not convinced)
Right.
HUTCHBACK
No, but clearly they catch things
and eat them.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, I've seen that. But as you
point out, they're not insects.
HUTCHBACK
But. Moths. Adult moths don't eat.
I've learnt a lot about moths...
after my infestation. Did I tell
you about our moth infestation?
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.
HUTCHBACK
Oh, yes, I did.
DR. NOSTRUM
Several times.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah. But now we're recording it...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, OK, tell me again.
HUTCHBACK
No, I don't need to tell you, but
we had a... there's actually
nothing funny about it, it's
quite... it's just disturbing:
coming back to a house covered in
moth larvae.
DR. NOSTRUM
How many were there? Carpet moths?
HUTCHBACK
Hundreds...
DR. NOSTRUM
(not impressed)
Oh, hundreds, well...
HUTCHBACK
... no, they were on the ceiling,
they were on the ceiling.
DR. NOSTRUM
(hopefully)
There might have been thousands?
HUTCHBACK
No, there weren't thousands, cos it
would have taken me a lot longer to
vacuum them all down... No, because
they...
DR. NOSTRUM
Why were larvae on the ceiling?
HUTCHBACK
No, because these ones, they're
trained to go up...
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh.
HUTCHBACK
To crawl up the...
DR. NOSTRUM
To get out the way of things that
might eat them on the ground I
suppose?
HUTCHBACK
Maybe, but...
DR. NOSTRUM
So they just keep going up?
HUTCHBACK
Well, no, they don't keep going up,
they go up and they look for the
corners.
DR. NOSTRUM
What?
HUTCHBACK
And I'm thinking, "How do they know
what a corner is?"
DR. NOSTRUM
Well...
HUTCHBACK
No...
DR. NOSTRUM
It's a point where you can't get
any further.
HUTCHBACK
But how does a larvae...
DR. NOSTRUM
You can't get any further, that's
the point, isn't it? Without going
like down and around?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, well, I suppose so. Starts
chuckling) "You can't go any
further." That's how they base
their whole...
DR. NOSTRUM
Probably.
HUTCHBACK
It's just, keep crawling until you
can't go any further.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. That's probably what it is.
HUTCHBACK
No, but I don't think they even
have that basic... I don't think
they even have that.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, they've got something.
HUTCHBACK
(overlapping)
I bet they're just purely working
from gravity?
And they know which way's up and
which way's down and that's
probably about it.
DR. NOSTRUM
So, why... Well, anyway...
HUTCHBACK
Anyway.
DR. NOSTRUM
... they all end up in the corner,
so presumably, some people spend
their lives worrying about that?
Another pointless scientific
experiment, but anyway...
HUTCHBACK
Why have they gone for the corners?
DR. NOSTRUM
So? Are...
HUTCHBACK
We know that they go for the
corners so they can probably...
DR. NOSTRUM
... are there many corners in
nature?
HUTCHBACK
That's a very interesting point.
DR. NOSTRUM
There aren't really.
HUTCHBACK
You do get them, presumably, in
certain rock formations, (drifting
off in thought) but not in their
natural habitat I would have
thought.
DR. NOSTRUM
Do you think so? I wouldn't have
thought you get corners anywhere.
HUTCHBACK
You do in rocks.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, not many.
HUTCHBACK
Not many...
DR. NOSTRUM
You know, so...
HUTCHBACK
... occasionally you get a corner.
The Hutchback has made it back to the kitchen.
HUTCHBACK (CONT'D)
OK. Do you want a large...?
DR. NOSTRUM
Tea. Yes, I'd like a tea. So,
somehow, moths have, moth larvae
have adapted to the human thing...
HUTCHBACK
Yes, of course.
DR. NOSTRUM
... by learning about corners.
HUTCHBACK
Yes.
DR. NOSTRUM
Any corner? It has to be a corner
up, rather than down or across? So
that's... That's how it happens
then, they just keep going up. What
they do is they go across, until
they can't go across anymore, then
they go along, till they can't go
along, and then they go up! That's
it! That's how it works. That must
be how it works, that's just three
things that have to be programmed.
HUTCHBACK
I wonder what their actual
perception of a corner is?
DR. NOSTRUM
No, but that would be... If you
were just programming a computer to
look for a corner that's how you
would do it.
It would just be "you go until you
can't go anymore and what you never
ever do, is you never go back on
yourself." And that means you would
always end up in a corner, right?
Like writing.
HUTCHBACK
But, you'd have thought it would be
better for them to go behind stuff?
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, they would...
HUTCHBACK
But it's harder.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, but they would go behind
stuff...
HUTCHBACK
No. That's harder.
DR. NOSTRUM
No it isn't. Because if you can get
behind it you're still moving, so
it's the same programming. It's the
same...
HUTCHBACK
No, say you've got, like, something
there (points to a picture on the
wall) along a wall, it's safer
behind something...
DR. NOSTRUM
But...
HUTCHBACK
... than exposed...
DR. NOSTRUM
... but they would be...
HUTCHBACK
... in a corner.
DR. NOSTRUM
... but they would be behind it.
HUTCHBACK
I can't believe what we're talking
about.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, we'll just leave it. But I
would suggest that they would be
behind something. It's just natural
selection. So, the ones that manage
to make it behind something are
more likely to survive...
HUTCHBACK
(overlapping)
Are more likely to live.
DR. NOSTRUM
... thus, those ones...
HUTCHBACK
But, there aren't that many
corners...
DR. NOSTRUM
Behind things.
HUTCHBACK
... at the top that are behind
things.
DR. NOSTRUM
No.
HUTCHBACK
Because there's nothing, there's
just ceiling...
DR. NOSTRUM
That's true.
HUTCHBACK
So it would be better being in a
bottom corner...
DR. NOSTRUM
That's what I would have thought.
I'm surprised they were on the
ceiling. Why do you think they were
on the ceiling?
HUTCHBACK
They're fucking stupid, that's why,
they're fucking moth larvae.
DR. NOSTRUM
Biology. That's why we rule the
world and they don't.
HUTCHBACK
Yep. (Pause) So, where were we?
Sunday, 18 January 2009
All Talk 48 - Passing Exams and The Trouble With Modern Poetry
DR. NOSTRUM
Some people I tell, in the music business, or, whatever, just talking about things, um, some people are actually impressed by the fact that, you know...
HUTCHBACK
That you can add.
DR. NOSTRUM
...no, by the fact that I did Economics.
HUTCHBACK
But you didn’t do Economics.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, I did do it.
HUTCHBACK
You did it for about..
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, I did it, I took my exam in it and everything...
HUTCHBACK
Did you?
DR. NOSTRUM
...A level. A level Economics, I got a U or, er, a D, you know, but.. but..
HUTCHBACK
And they’re very impressed!
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, the comeback was; at least you did it. And I was thinking, well, I suppose so, but...
HUTCHBACK
You could have done anything and got a U in it.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, no, I didn’t get a U, I got a U in something else, but that’s.. that’s cos I wrote songs, instead...
HUTCHBACK
Okay
DR. NOSTRUM
...which they obviously didn’t like...
HUTCHBACK
No...
DR. NOSTRUM
Biology, I wrote songs.
HUTCHBACK
No, they don’t like that. There aren’t many songs in Biological text books.
DR. NOSTRUM
Imagine if you could have written songs though, for your exam, and got an A.
HUTCHBACK
Mm. They’d have had to have been very good, biological songs.. (has an Epiphany and sings) “Your knee bone’s connected to your thigh bone.” It’d have to be of that caliber, but more about “your platelet’s connected to your red blood vessels and all that business...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah
HUTCHBACK
...and that’s how you create Adenizine Tri-phosphate.”
DR. NOSTRUM
You’d have to be, I mean you’d have to be pretty smart to pass all your exams in meter and rhyme, that would be an achievement.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
I suppose the only exam where you’d do that is in poetry and they probably don’t even do that any more.
HUTCHBACK
No, I don’t think there is Poetry A level.
DR. NOSTRUM
No. There was some poet on the radio saying about, you know, people bemoan the lack of meter and rhyme in modern poetry, but, you know, “they’ve got to get with it cos that’s so old fashioned.”
HUTCHBACK
“Man”
DR. NOSTRUM
And I was thinking, isn’t that poetry, and what they do now is, well, I suppose it’s still called poetry, but in fact it’s just speaking. Really.
HUTCHBACK
It’s just a load of words, stuck together on a fucking page.
DR. NOSTRUM
It is really.
HUTCHBACK
That’s the problem with modern poetry.
DR. NOSTRUM
It is. I mean it has it’s own internal rhythm, but it’s unfathomable unless you can hear the person speaking who’s written it.
HUTCHBACK
But that’s the point. Everything becomes worse over time.
DR. NOSTRUM
It’s just words.
HUTCHBACK
Everything becomes worse over time – that should be the subject of this post; how everything becomes worse.
DR. NOSTRUM
And we got that off the front of a BNP leaflet.
HUTCHBACK
Oh yeah. Forgot about that.
All Talk 45 - The Invention of Industry and Victorian Fitness Coaches
DR. NOSTRUM
I guess industry actually started with stuff on the floor.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, cos there weren't any factories.
DR. NOSTRUM
If you didn't pick it up, you'd never have used any of it. That's the thing, really, it's just going back to the roots of industry.
HUTCHBACK
In fact...(pause - noises of chocolate eating sprinkle HUTCHBACK's speech for a while)
DR. NOSTRUM
Using things. You'd have to pick everything up off the floor...
HUTCHBACK
...quite literally, it was the first work.
DR. NOSTRUM
What? No...
HUTCHBACK
...that human beings did.
DR. NOSTRUM
...it might have been picking things off a tree.
HUTCHBACK
Pickin.. No, well, maybe. Bending down and picking something up, that was the first job.
DR. NOSTRUM
"So, what do you do?" "Oh, I pick things up."
HUTCHBACK
Mm.
DR. NOSTRUM
"Oh, really? You could probably get paid for that...
HUTCHBACK
Mm. Cause otherwise, you're lying around in a dirty cave...
DR. NOSTRUM
It's true, and you know what, the people who were better at it picked up better things...
HUTCHBACK
Yep...
DR. NOSTRUM
...and they could spot...
HUTCHBACK
...the ones who got up earlier in the morning. And that's where we ended up with our bloody nine to five. Cause the first cavemen who thought of this fantastic idea - picking things up – they were getting up around mid-day.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, and then they lost out to a local tribe who decided to get up earlier.
HUTCHBACK
Got up about 11.
DR. NOSTRUM
Maybe that's how they invented light, er, the fire. You know, cause they had to get up earlier.
HUTCHBACK
They had to get up so early...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, and how can we do it cos we can't see? And then they took out a stick of fire from the, uh, the cave.
HUTCHBACK
Mm.
DR. NOSTRUM
First torch. Invention of the night shift. (pause) Are you going to finish them?
HUTCHBACK
Huh?
DR. NOSTRUM
This is what you do? You do your exercise and then eat a box of chocolates?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
And that's how you maintain your weight?
HUTCHBACK
Well otherwise I'd lose too much weight wouldn't I?
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.
HUTCHBACK
Losing weight quickly is not good for you, they say.
DR. NOSTRUM
No. I like that thing you told me about Victorian... Wasn't it a Victorian thing about, um, getting healthy and losing weight was to lie in bed all the time?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
That's good. A good idea. Couldn't get many trainers though, I mean there's not much of an industry there.
HUTCHBACK
"Go-on, burn, burn, push for the burn, lie down a bit longer! You wimp, you've only been lying down for 18 hours!"
I guess industry actually started with stuff on the floor.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, cos there weren't any factories.
DR. NOSTRUM
If you didn't pick it up, you'd never have used any of it. That's the thing, really, it's just going back to the roots of industry.
HUTCHBACK
In fact...(pause - noises of chocolate eating sprinkle HUTCHBACK's speech for a while)
DR. NOSTRUM
Using things. You'd have to pick everything up off the floor...
HUTCHBACK
...quite literally, it was the first work.
DR. NOSTRUM
What? No...
HUTCHBACK
...that human beings did.
DR. NOSTRUM
...it might have been picking things off a tree.
HUTCHBACK
Pickin.. No, well, maybe. Bending down and picking something up, that was the first job.
DR. NOSTRUM
"So, what do you do?" "Oh, I pick things up."
HUTCHBACK
Mm.
DR. NOSTRUM
"Oh, really? You could probably get paid for that...
HUTCHBACK
Mm. Cause otherwise, you're lying around in a dirty cave...
DR. NOSTRUM
It's true, and you know what, the people who were better at it picked up better things...
HUTCHBACK
Yep...
DR. NOSTRUM
...and they could spot...
HUTCHBACK
...the ones who got up earlier in the morning. And that's where we ended up with our bloody nine to five. Cause the first cavemen who thought of this fantastic idea - picking things up – they were getting up around mid-day.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, and then they lost out to a local tribe who decided to get up earlier.
HUTCHBACK
Got up about 11.
DR. NOSTRUM
Maybe that's how they invented light, er, the fire. You know, cause they had to get up earlier.
HUTCHBACK
They had to get up so early...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, and how can we do it cos we can't see? And then they took out a stick of fire from the, uh, the cave.
HUTCHBACK
Mm.
DR. NOSTRUM
First torch. Invention of the night shift. (pause) Are you going to finish them?
HUTCHBACK
Huh?
DR. NOSTRUM
This is what you do? You do your exercise and then eat a box of chocolates?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
And that's how you maintain your weight?
HUTCHBACK
Well otherwise I'd lose too much weight wouldn't I?
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.
HUTCHBACK
Losing weight quickly is not good for you, they say.
DR. NOSTRUM
No. I like that thing you told me about Victorian... Wasn't it a Victorian thing about, um, getting healthy and losing weight was to lie in bed all the time?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
That's good. A good idea. Couldn't get many trainers though, I mean there's not much of an industry there.
HUTCHBACK
"Go-on, burn, burn, push for the burn, lie down a bit longer! You wimp, you've only been lying down for 18 hours!"
All Talk 44 - Medieval Health and Safety
DR. NOSTRUM
No, but we were talking about that because of Jew skin...
HUTCHBACK
Jew skin rugs.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, that was from something as well. Oh yeah, stuff off floors, that's it. Stuff off floors; Jews.. No, well, another thing about Jews, not that, er,
HUTCHBACK
Not that I'm racist.
DR. NOSTRUM
Not that I care. Um, I often thought that, um, Medieval Health and Safety, involved – cause you know we carry heavy things about?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
And I bust things, but, I don't think there was health and safety, but if there was, I reckon you had to put a Jew and a Black at the front of anything heavy that you were carrying downhill, or wherever, you know, in areas of danger...
HUTCHBACK
Jews, Blacks or Irish.
DR. NOSTRUM
Were there Irish, even in Medieval times?
HUTCHBACK
Well, they were Celtic perhaps.
DR. NOSTRUM
But that's probably what it was. The English would be at the back, whipping them – did they whip people then?
HUTCHBACK
I'm sure they did.
DR. NOSTRUM
There's no pictures of it. There's lots of pictures of Egyptians whipping.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, that's cause they had slaves.
DR. NOSTRUM
What, didn't we have slaves?
HUTCHBACK
No, we didn't have slaves...
HUTCHBACK
What, not till late, very late on?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah. It's funny that. All those years...
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, how did we control all the people before?
HUTCHBACK
Well they were serfs weren't they?
DR. NOSTRUM
But we didn't have whips!
HUTCHBACK
No, they didn't need whips.
DR. NOSTRUM
B.. oh, arrows.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, they had men on horses with bows.
DR. NOSTRUM
Bows. So actually they completely bypassed whips in England.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, they went straight to arrows.
DR. NOSTRUM
Arrows. Yeah.
HUTCHBACK
Swords as well.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well arrows, I guess, were like swords from a distance.
HUTCHBACK
Not as effective at killing someone. You know, you'd probably survive an arrow, unless it went in somewhere vital.
DR. NOSTRUM
I don't know, you know, a bit of wood, stone, metal, whatever – get infected, very nasty - without a doctor to put it right. Just like today.
No, but we were talking about that because of Jew skin...
HUTCHBACK
Jew skin rugs.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, that was from something as well. Oh yeah, stuff off floors, that's it. Stuff off floors; Jews.. No, well, another thing about Jews, not that, er,
HUTCHBACK
Not that I'm racist.
DR. NOSTRUM
Not that I care. Um, I often thought that, um, Medieval Health and Safety, involved – cause you know we carry heavy things about?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
And I bust things, but, I don't think there was health and safety, but if there was, I reckon you had to put a Jew and a Black at the front of anything heavy that you were carrying downhill, or wherever, you know, in areas of danger...
HUTCHBACK
Jews, Blacks or Irish.
DR. NOSTRUM
Were there Irish, even in Medieval times?
HUTCHBACK
Well, they were Celtic perhaps.
DR. NOSTRUM
But that's probably what it was. The English would be at the back, whipping them – did they whip people then?
HUTCHBACK
I'm sure they did.
DR. NOSTRUM
There's no pictures of it. There's lots of pictures of Egyptians whipping.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, that's cause they had slaves.
DR. NOSTRUM
What, didn't we have slaves?
HUTCHBACK
No, we didn't have slaves...
HUTCHBACK
What, not till late, very late on?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah. It's funny that. All those years...
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, how did we control all the people before?
HUTCHBACK
Well they were serfs weren't they?
DR. NOSTRUM
But we didn't have whips!
HUTCHBACK
No, they didn't need whips.
DR. NOSTRUM
B.. oh, arrows.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, they had men on horses with bows.
DR. NOSTRUM
Bows. So actually they completely bypassed whips in England.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, they went straight to arrows.
DR. NOSTRUM
Arrows. Yeah.
HUTCHBACK
Swords as well.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well arrows, I guess, were like swords from a distance.
HUTCHBACK
Not as effective at killing someone. You know, you'd probably survive an arrow, unless it went in somewhere vital.
DR. NOSTRUM
I don't know, you know, a bit of wood, stone, metal, whatever – get infected, very nasty - without a doctor to put it right. Just like today.
All Talk 42 - Jew Skin Rugs and The Great White Moyl
DR. NOSTRUM
So, basically, that Neutrogena hand cream is a by-product product, isn't it? It's all the stuff on the floor; they stuff it in a vat, boil it and then sell it to us to put on our hands.
HUTCHBACK
It's this old one again. You know what, you can make an entire...
DR. NOSTRUM
Universe
HUTCHBACK
...Economy out of all the stuff...
DR. NOSTRUM
On the floor.
HUTCHBACK
...on the floor all swept up and turned into something else.
DR. NOSTRUM
By-product products is a definite industry, I don't know how long it's been going,
probably always...
HUTCHBACK
It's like the lampshade industry out of Auschwitz.
DR. NOSTRUM
Skin.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Bits of skin. So the Nazi's had a by-product industry actually...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, they were quite innovative.
DR. NOSTRUM
Why didn't they just throw it all away? That's the thing.
HUTCHBACK
You know...
DR. NOSTRUM
What was the point of keeping any of it? Very Jewish actually.
HUTCHBACK
It's for prestige isn't it? You know, if you had a Jew-skin...
DR. NOSTRUM
Actually, thinking about that, it wasn't Jews, but.. cos that's not popular – maybe in the medieval times it was – but, um...
HUTCHBACK
"I've got a Jew-skin rug"
DR. NOSTRUM
Anyway, true story; Aristotle Onasis...
HUTCHBACK
Cos they do have quite.. have hairy chests.
DR. NOSTRUM
Hairy Jews were in danger! They were an endangered species.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, I mean, it's quite a nice rug.
DR. NOSTRUM
Hairy Back. So if you had a very hairy back – a Jewish hairy back...
HUTCHBACK
They were highly prized.
DR. NOSTRUM
...you wanted to shave your back, otherwise, if the inquisition got hold of you, you'd be for it. You'd be ending up on...
HUTCHBACK
You'd be in at least one, if not two, living rooms. Depends how hairy your chest was.
(pause) I guess, but the thing is, they're not big enough really.
DR. NOSTRUM
No. But maybe toilet mats?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, toilet mats and bathroom mats.
DR. NOSTRUM
Much more appropriate. (pause) But anyway, Aristotle Onasis had whale foreskin leather bar stools.
HUTCHBACK
Nice.
DR. NOSTRUM
Isn't that classy? I mean where do you get whale foreskins from?
HUTCHBACK
From whales. From Jewish whales.
DR. NOSTRUM
But who.. I mean the thing is...
HUTCHBACK
You get a Great White Moyl and he takes of the foreskin with.. (mimes a bite)
DR. NOSTRUM
With his teeth. (pause) I always sang "Moon river, wider than a Moyl." Didn't mean anything, but it sings well. But, (back to Aristotle) what I didn't get was that that was presented as if that was tasteful...
HUTCHBACK
The height...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. That somehow that's what great wealth allowed you to do and it was something to aspire to.
HUTCHBACK
Maybe it's very, very soft leather.
DR. NOSTRUM
It probably was.
HUTCHBACK
The foreskin.
DR. NOSTRUM
The foreskin of a whale, well, it's not leather is it? It's something like chagreen.
HUTCHBACK
Chagreen! No, it's some kind of.. It's whale skin, isn't it.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well it's not called leather.
HUTCHBACK
Alright, but it's thick hide. Whale foreskin. You'd have thought that a better, a more supple material, would be not the foreskin but the tip of the penis.
DR. NOSTRUM
Cause it's more sensitive?
HUTCHBACK
It's more sensitive.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, but not to the person sitting on the stool.
HUTCHBACK
No...
DR. NOSTRUM
It's just more sensitive to the whale, it might not be better quality leather.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, but foreskin, exposed to the sea – barnacles...
DR. NOSTRUM
No, cause it's inside of it, isn't it? Presumably they weren't circumcised, so, you know...
HUTCHBACK
Who knows whether it's the inside or the outside.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, it's the inside isn't it, cause the foreskin..
HUTCHBACK
It could be the outside.
DR. NOSTRUM
Only if it had an erection.
HUTCHBACK
No, what are you talking about, the foreskin just sits there, exposed (pause) to the elements.
DR. NOSTRUM
Hmm.
HUTCHBACK
You know.
DR. NOSTRUM
I'm not sure it does. In a whale I think it's inside a pouch.
HUTCHBACK
How do you know so much about whale foreskins?!
DR. NOSTRUM
I don't, no, it's cos I'm thinking about dolphin penises. They come out (pause) and when they're not out, they're in.
HUTCHBACK
Yes, that's true.
DR. NOSTRUM
They're not dogs, they're not hanging out there for all to see, they're inside.
HUTCHBACK
Well of course, cause it's not aerodynamic.
DR. NOSTRUM
They could use it like a rudder!
HUTCHBACK
So in reality, they don't have foreskins as such, not in the conventional sense. They have a cover...
DR. NOSTRUM
Well apparently they were made from whale foreskin.
HUTCHBACK
Oh, for the internet. If we had the internet we could look it up now.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, but this is the 1980's, so you can't.
HUTCHBACK
Yes, this is the 1980's.
So, basically, that Neutrogena hand cream is a by-product product, isn't it? It's all the stuff on the floor; they stuff it in a vat, boil it and then sell it to us to put on our hands.
HUTCHBACK
It's this old one again. You know what, you can make an entire...
DR. NOSTRUM
Universe
HUTCHBACK
...Economy out of all the stuff...
DR. NOSTRUM
On the floor.
HUTCHBACK
...on the floor all swept up and turned into something else.
DR. NOSTRUM
By-product products is a definite industry, I don't know how long it's been going,
probably always...
HUTCHBACK
It's like the lampshade industry out of Auschwitz.
DR. NOSTRUM
Skin.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Bits of skin. So the Nazi's had a by-product industry actually...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, they were quite innovative.
DR. NOSTRUM
Why didn't they just throw it all away? That's the thing.
HUTCHBACK
You know...
DR. NOSTRUM
What was the point of keeping any of it? Very Jewish actually.
HUTCHBACK
It's for prestige isn't it? You know, if you had a Jew-skin...
DR. NOSTRUM
Actually, thinking about that, it wasn't Jews, but.. cos that's not popular – maybe in the medieval times it was – but, um...
HUTCHBACK
"I've got a Jew-skin rug"
DR. NOSTRUM
Anyway, true story; Aristotle Onasis...
HUTCHBACK
Cos they do have quite.. have hairy chests.
DR. NOSTRUM
Hairy Jews were in danger! They were an endangered species.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, I mean, it's quite a nice rug.
DR. NOSTRUM
Hairy Back. So if you had a very hairy back – a Jewish hairy back...
HUTCHBACK
They were highly prized.
DR. NOSTRUM
...you wanted to shave your back, otherwise, if the inquisition got hold of you, you'd be for it. You'd be ending up on...
HUTCHBACK
You'd be in at least one, if not two, living rooms. Depends how hairy your chest was.
(pause) I guess, but the thing is, they're not big enough really.
DR. NOSTRUM
No. But maybe toilet mats?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, toilet mats and bathroom mats.
DR. NOSTRUM
Much more appropriate. (pause) But anyway, Aristotle Onasis had whale foreskin leather bar stools.
HUTCHBACK
Nice.
DR. NOSTRUM
Isn't that classy? I mean where do you get whale foreskins from?
HUTCHBACK
From whales. From Jewish whales.
DR. NOSTRUM
But who.. I mean the thing is...
HUTCHBACK
You get a Great White Moyl and he takes of the foreskin with.. (mimes a bite)
DR. NOSTRUM
With his teeth. (pause) I always sang "Moon river, wider than a Moyl." Didn't mean anything, but it sings well. But, (back to Aristotle) what I didn't get was that that was presented as if that was tasteful...
HUTCHBACK
The height...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. That somehow that's what great wealth allowed you to do and it was something to aspire to.
HUTCHBACK
Maybe it's very, very soft leather.
DR. NOSTRUM
It probably was.
HUTCHBACK
The foreskin.
DR. NOSTRUM
The foreskin of a whale, well, it's not leather is it? It's something like chagreen.
HUTCHBACK
Chagreen! No, it's some kind of.. It's whale skin, isn't it.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well it's not called leather.
HUTCHBACK
Alright, but it's thick hide. Whale foreskin. You'd have thought that a better, a more supple material, would be not the foreskin but the tip of the penis.
DR. NOSTRUM
Cause it's more sensitive?
HUTCHBACK
It's more sensitive.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, but not to the person sitting on the stool.
HUTCHBACK
No...
DR. NOSTRUM
It's just more sensitive to the whale, it might not be better quality leather.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, but foreskin, exposed to the sea – barnacles...
DR. NOSTRUM
No, cause it's inside of it, isn't it? Presumably they weren't circumcised, so, you know...
HUTCHBACK
Who knows whether it's the inside or the outside.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, it's the inside isn't it, cause the foreskin..
HUTCHBACK
It could be the outside.
DR. NOSTRUM
Only if it had an erection.
HUTCHBACK
No, what are you talking about, the foreskin just sits there, exposed (pause) to the elements.
DR. NOSTRUM
Hmm.
HUTCHBACK
You know.
DR. NOSTRUM
I'm not sure it does. In a whale I think it's inside a pouch.
HUTCHBACK
How do you know so much about whale foreskins?!
DR. NOSTRUM
I don't, no, it's cos I'm thinking about dolphin penises. They come out (pause) and when they're not out, they're in.
HUTCHBACK
Yes, that's true.
DR. NOSTRUM
They're not dogs, they're not hanging out there for all to see, they're inside.
HUTCHBACK
Well of course, cause it's not aerodynamic.
DR. NOSTRUM
They could use it like a rudder!
HUTCHBACK
So in reality, they don't have foreskins as such, not in the conventional sense. They have a cover...
DR. NOSTRUM
Well apparently they were made from whale foreskin.
HUTCHBACK
Oh, for the internet. If we had the internet we could look it up now.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, but this is the 1980's, so you can't.
HUTCHBACK
Yes, this is the 1980's.
All Talk 41 - The Goldilocks Thesis and Tantric Shitting
DR. NOSTRUM
If it was funny it would be interesting...
HUTCHBACK
No, the thing is, I wasn't about to say anything nasty.
DR. NOSTRUM
Like, for example, a wedding speech in reality, rather than on film where the best man eulogises about the size of the groom's shit is a reasonably amusing concept.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, the size, volume and quantity.
DR. NOSTRUM
As a good thing in a prospective husband is, you know, for the parents in law, not what you want to hear, but, it stays with them.
HUTCHBACK
You've got to be able to pinch out a good length, basically.
DR. NOSTRUM
(pause) I wish you could pinch it out. That would be good if you could pinch it off at the length required, (pause) like sausages. Not that you can.
HUTCHBACK
If you had a very muscular...
DR. NOSTRUM
Anus.
HUTCHBACK
...arsehole.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. Well, maybe some people can do that, I don't know, I suppose they can?
HUTCHBACK
Surely it depends on the consistency...
DR. NOSTRUM
Tantric shitters probably can.
HUTCHBACK
No, if it's a very soft turd you probably could.
DR. NOSTRUM
I would have thought it'd have to have a reasonable consistency to be able to do it.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
But tantric shitters probably can...
HUTCHBACK
I think you're looking for, like, the Goldilocks of shit...
DR. NOSTRUM
Goldilocks?
HUTCHBACK
...not too hard, not too soft. Not too hot, not too cold.
DR. NOSTRUM
Goldilocks? What, was she hot or cold?
HUTCHBACK
No! Cos she...
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, the bed?
HUTCHBACK
...liked it just right didn't she?
DR. NOSTRUM
Did she? Oh, (pause) is that what the tale was basically.. an analogy about?
HUTCHBACK
I'm not entirely...
DR. NOSTRUM
Probably was.
HUTCHBACK
...sure if it was an analogy for Coprophilia, for Goldilocks. I was just using it as a metaphor. Cos she liked her porridge not too hot, not too cold, but just right, so you could say...
DR. NOSTRUM
It is an analogous fairytale actually. I never really saw that before. Not just Coprophilia, but sex, probably sex. It's probably about sex. (pause) Which is why the bears all get in bed. They get into bed and...
HUTCHBACK
You know, daddy's too big, baby's...
DR. NOSTRUM
...too small. So she was.. It's a lesbian...
HUTCHBACK
It's a.. She's a.. Basically, it's a lesbian analogy.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yes
HUTCHBACK
Not just lesbian. Bestial.
DR. NOSTRUM
A bestial, lesbian, coprophiliac analogy.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
That's the thesis.
HUTCHBACK
Although the coprophilia is a bit of a strain, literally, it's a bit of a push. It's a bit of a leap.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, well, we got there from the wrong thing, but...
HUTCHBACK
All I meant was...
DR. NOSTRUM
To do it
HUTCHBACK
...in order to use your arse muscles to properly pinch off half way through a turd it has to be the righ.. Cos obviously, too loose and there's nothing to pinch, it would obviously come out in a long stream. Too hard and you'd never get through it.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well it's never that hard. How hard does a turd have to be that you can't chop through it? I mean how many turds can't you chop through for God's sake? It's not like we shit bones or anything.
HUTCHBACK
No, but you know, sometimes those very dark, peaty ones. Those kind of dense...
DR. NOSTRUM
But they're never so hard.. presumably, a turd is never too hard for an anus to chop through it? I don't think that's possible. I don't think that's possible, otherwise if you couldn't follow through you'd be walking around with that turd sticking out your arse (pause) unless you pulled it out with your hand. Anyway, it's not that interesting to me – about shit.
HUTCHBACK
Well, no, this is the basis for all comedy, surely, talking about shit?
DR. NOSTRUM
Well I'm not a fan of toilet humour, but, the idea of tantric shitting – I can imagine there probably are people who have such control over their guts that can..
HUTCHBACK
..shit out animal shapes.
DR. NOSTRUM
(pause) Well, you'd have to have a very wide anus to do that, but, you know...
HUTCHBACK
Well, you know, as long as the animals are reasonably symmetrical.
DR. NOSTRUM
Most animals are symmetrical. (thinks) What animals aren't symmetrical?
HUTCHBACK
Well, beyond a snake, obviously, that doesn't require much, but no, that would be a talent.
DR. NOSTRUM
(still pursuing the unknown) All animals are symmetrical.
HUTCHBACK
That would be a talent.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, it would be a talent. Can you imagine that on 'The Generation Game'? No, but I would say, if you did that, if you could pinch one off, you then, presumably, cause you've practiced, have the guts to pull what's left...
HUTCHBACK
Draw it back.
DR. NOSTRUM
...back up.
HUTCHBACK
Draw it back up to take more energy out of it.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, you draw it back up so you don't get a skid mark, that's the point. If someone could just do that...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
I think animals can do that can't they?
HUTCHBACK
Tantric, self cleaning anus.
DR. NOSTRUM
That animals...
HUTCHBACK
Animals can't do that! What are you talking about? Have you never seen a dog running around with...
DR. NOSTRUM
Turds falling out their arse.
HUTCHBACK
...turds dripping out of it's f..
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, but that's just cos they're not feeling well.
HUTCHBACK
No.
DR. NOSTRUM
They can do most of that on demand. You know, they can stop a shit.
HUTCHBACK
I don't think they can.
DR. NOSTRUM
You don't think so? (long pause) That's too much shit. How did we get there? Ah, yes, the wedding speech.
HUTCHBACK
It wasn't our fault, it was the wedding speech that did it.
If it was funny it would be interesting...
HUTCHBACK
No, the thing is, I wasn't about to say anything nasty.
DR. NOSTRUM
Like, for example, a wedding speech in reality, rather than on film where the best man eulogises about the size of the groom's shit is a reasonably amusing concept.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, the size, volume and quantity.
DR. NOSTRUM
As a good thing in a prospective husband is, you know, for the parents in law, not what you want to hear, but, it stays with them.
HUTCHBACK
You've got to be able to pinch out a good length, basically.
DR. NOSTRUM
(pause) I wish you could pinch it out. That would be good if you could pinch it off at the length required, (pause) like sausages. Not that you can.
HUTCHBACK
If you had a very muscular...
DR. NOSTRUM
Anus.
HUTCHBACK
...arsehole.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. Well, maybe some people can do that, I don't know, I suppose they can?
HUTCHBACK
Surely it depends on the consistency...
DR. NOSTRUM
Tantric shitters probably can.
HUTCHBACK
No, if it's a very soft turd you probably could.
DR. NOSTRUM
I would have thought it'd have to have a reasonable consistency to be able to do it.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
But tantric shitters probably can...
HUTCHBACK
I think you're looking for, like, the Goldilocks of shit...
DR. NOSTRUM
Goldilocks?
HUTCHBACK
...not too hard, not too soft. Not too hot, not too cold.
DR. NOSTRUM
Goldilocks? What, was she hot or cold?
HUTCHBACK
No! Cos she...
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, the bed?
HUTCHBACK
...liked it just right didn't she?
DR. NOSTRUM
Did she? Oh, (pause) is that what the tale was basically.. an analogy about?
HUTCHBACK
I'm not entirely...
DR. NOSTRUM
Probably was.
HUTCHBACK
...sure if it was an analogy for Coprophilia, for Goldilocks. I was just using it as a metaphor. Cos she liked her porridge not too hot, not too cold, but just right, so you could say...
DR. NOSTRUM
It is an analogous fairytale actually. I never really saw that before. Not just Coprophilia, but sex, probably sex. It's probably about sex. (pause) Which is why the bears all get in bed. They get into bed and...
HUTCHBACK
You know, daddy's too big, baby's...
DR. NOSTRUM
...too small. So she was.. It's a lesbian...
HUTCHBACK
It's a.. She's a.. Basically, it's a lesbian analogy.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yes
HUTCHBACK
Not just lesbian. Bestial.
DR. NOSTRUM
A bestial, lesbian, coprophiliac analogy.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
That's the thesis.
HUTCHBACK
Although the coprophilia is a bit of a strain, literally, it's a bit of a push. It's a bit of a leap.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, well, we got there from the wrong thing, but...
HUTCHBACK
All I meant was...
DR. NOSTRUM
To do it
HUTCHBACK
...in order to use your arse muscles to properly pinch off half way through a turd it has to be the righ.. Cos obviously, too loose and there's nothing to pinch, it would obviously come out in a long stream. Too hard and you'd never get through it.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well it's never that hard. How hard does a turd have to be that you can't chop through it? I mean how many turds can't you chop through for God's sake? It's not like we shit bones or anything.
HUTCHBACK
No, but you know, sometimes those very dark, peaty ones. Those kind of dense...
DR. NOSTRUM
But they're never so hard.. presumably, a turd is never too hard for an anus to chop through it? I don't think that's possible. I don't think that's possible, otherwise if you couldn't follow through you'd be walking around with that turd sticking out your arse (pause) unless you pulled it out with your hand. Anyway, it's not that interesting to me – about shit.
HUTCHBACK
Well, no, this is the basis for all comedy, surely, talking about shit?
DR. NOSTRUM
Well I'm not a fan of toilet humour, but, the idea of tantric shitting – I can imagine there probably are people who have such control over their guts that can..
HUTCHBACK
..shit out animal shapes.
DR. NOSTRUM
(pause) Well, you'd have to have a very wide anus to do that, but, you know...
HUTCHBACK
Well, you know, as long as the animals are reasonably symmetrical.
DR. NOSTRUM
Most animals are symmetrical. (thinks) What animals aren't symmetrical?
HUTCHBACK
Well, beyond a snake, obviously, that doesn't require much, but no, that would be a talent.
DR. NOSTRUM
(still pursuing the unknown) All animals are symmetrical.
HUTCHBACK
That would be a talent.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, it would be a talent. Can you imagine that on 'The Generation Game'? No, but I would say, if you did that, if you could pinch one off, you then, presumably, cause you've practiced, have the guts to pull what's left...
HUTCHBACK
Draw it back.
DR. NOSTRUM
...back up.
HUTCHBACK
Draw it back up to take more energy out of it.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, you draw it back up so you don't get a skid mark, that's the point. If someone could just do that...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
I think animals can do that can't they?
HUTCHBACK
Tantric, self cleaning anus.
DR. NOSTRUM
That animals...
HUTCHBACK
Animals can't do that! What are you talking about? Have you never seen a dog running around with...
DR. NOSTRUM
Turds falling out their arse.
HUTCHBACK
...turds dripping out of it's f..
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, but that's just cos they're not feeling well.
HUTCHBACK
No.
DR. NOSTRUM
They can do most of that on demand. You know, they can stop a shit.
HUTCHBACK
I don't think they can.
DR. NOSTRUM
You don't think so? (long pause) That's too much shit. How did we get there? Ah, yes, the wedding speech.
HUTCHBACK
It wasn't our fault, it was the wedding speech that did it.
All Talk 37 - You say Electrons and I say Photons, Babies exist in different Frequencies
DR. NOSTRUM
Ah, no, no, that's already out of date isn't it?
HUTCHBACK
No.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well it is, it must be out of date cos they're not interested in electrons and that any more
HUTCHBACK
(spluttering) Y.. Of course they're inter.. Electrons allow..
DR. NOSTRUM
They're all passé
HUTCHBACK
Electrons allow electro-magnetism and light.
DR. NOSTRUM
But it's not...
HUTCHBACK
You can't have Light...
DR. NOSTRUM
...it's not electric, is it?
HUTCHBACK
No. You can't have light without electrons.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, you can't have light without photons.
HUTCHBACK
No, electrons.
(long pause as the Dr attempts to digest this)
DR. NOSTRUM
So what are photons? I thought photons were packets of light.
HUTCHBACK
Photons are light particles. But you need electrons in order for light to vibrate, cos light's also a wave.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, a wave's got a frequency, I know.
HUTCHBACK
And it makes electrons vibrate. (big sigh from the DR.) So, until electrons were about it couldn't vibrate, therefore you couldn't see light.
DR. NOSTRUM
It's not that interesting.
HUTCHBACK
It's not that interesting.
DR. NOSTRUM
It's not interesting cos it's all...
HUTCHBACK
It's all meaningless.
DR. NOSTRUM
...indistinct. Yeah, it's all a bit, you know.
HUTCHBACK
It's all about particles.
HUTCHBACK
What I kinda like; I like the idea that we're tuned into a particular frequency, like kind of a radio station, and this is our frequency and then there's all these other frequencies that we're not tuned into. Unless you take loads of drugs.
HUTCHBACK
Mmm.
DR. NOSTRUM
In which case, er, no-one else is tuned into your particular frequency.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah. The Gurning frequency.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, that, or.. or the one.. Babies. There, we're back to Castenada you see.
HUTCHBACK
Oh no, not Castenada.
DR. NOSTRUM
I'm sure Dr. Kawnholer used to want to prove that babies, when they were born, lived in a different Universe. (Hutchback has started laughing inanely) You know, that they.. they existed in a different reality, er, a different frequency, cos they were looking at something different, in their cross-eyed way.
HUTCHBACK
That's...
DR. NOSTRUM
You don't think that's true?
Ah, no, no, that's already out of date isn't it?
HUTCHBACK
No.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well it is, it must be out of date cos they're not interested in electrons and that any more
HUTCHBACK
(spluttering) Y.. Of course they're inter.. Electrons allow..
DR. NOSTRUM
They're all passé
HUTCHBACK
Electrons allow electro-magnetism and light.
DR. NOSTRUM
But it's not...
HUTCHBACK
You can't have Light...
DR. NOSTRUM
...it's not electric, is it?
HUTCHBACK
No. You can't have light without electrons.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, you can't have light without photons.
HUTCHBACK
No, electrons.
(long pause as the Dr attempts to digest this)
DR. NOSTRUM
So what are photons? I thought photons were packets of light.
HUTCHBACK
Photons are light particles. But you need electrons in order for light to vibrate, cos light's also a wave.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, a wave's got a frequency, I know.
HUTCHBACK
And it makes electrons vibrate. (big sigh from the DR.) So, until electrons were about it couldn't vibrate, therefore you couldn't see light.
DR. NOSTRUM
It's not that interesting.
HUTCHBACK
It's not that interesting.
DR. NOSTRUM
It's not interesting cos it's all...
HUTCHBACK
It's all meaningless.
DR. NOSTRUM
...indistinct. Yeah, it's all a bit, you know.
HUTCHBACK
It's all about particles.
HUTCHBACK
What I kinda like; I like the idea that we're tuned into a particular frequency, like kind of a radio station, and this is our frequency and then there's all these other frequencies that we're not tuned into. Unless you take loads of drugs.
HUTCHBACK
Mmm.
DR. NOSTRUM
In which case, er, no-one else is tuned into your particular frequency.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah. The Gurning frequency.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, that, or.. or the one.. Babies. There, we're back to Castenada you see.
HUTCHBACK
Oh no, not Castenada.
DR. NOSTRUM
I'm sure Dr. Kawnholer used to want to prove that babies, when they were born, lived in a different Universe. (Hutchback has started laughing inanely) You know, that they.. they existed in a different reality, er, a different frequency, cos they were looking at something different, in their cross-eyed way.
HUTCHBACK
That's...
DR. NOSTRUM
You don't think that's true?
All Talk 36 - Entropy Explained and The Dr. Gets A Gold Star
HUTCHBACK
No, but here's an interesting fact – that always precedes a very boring fact, whenever you hear someone say "and here's an interesting fact" there's always..
DR. NOSTRUM
..A boring fact before it..
HUTCHBACK
A lead in to a really boring piece of information...
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, right.
HUTCHBACK
...however...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, go on.
HUTCHBACK
You may or may not find this interesting...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah
HUTCHBACK
For the first 300,000 years of the Universe..
DR. NOSTRUM
It'll be more interesting than Wii Fit. (pause) Yeah. (pause) Ants? Were there any ants?
HUTCHBACK
The...
DR. NOSTRUM
No.
HUTCHBACK
Light could not have been seen in the Universe.
DR. NOSTRUM
What, cos it was too dusty?
HUTCHBACK
There were no - gaps, if you like.
DR. NOSTRUM
Too dusty?
HUTCHBACK
Yes, it was just..
DR. NOSTRUM
It was solid?
HUTCHBACK
Not exactly solid, but you couldn't pass light through it.
DR. NOSTRUM
Sounds like Diarrhea.
HUTCHBACK
Huh?
DR. NOSTRUM
Sounds like someone talking about stool samples.
HUTCHBACK
You couldn't pass... you couldn't.. No. Light could not...
DR. NOSTRUM
Be seen.
HUTCHBACK
...be seen. That's pretty good. So, in fact, The Bible..
DR. NOSTRUM
It just doesn't make sense.
HUTCHBACK
...The Bible's right.
DR. NOSTRUM
What? "Let there be light." Cos when it thinned.. it started thinning out.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah. No, "And first there was darkness...
DR. NOSTRUM
And then there was light.
HUTCHBACK
...and then there was light."
DR. NOSTRUM
That's not bad.
HUTCHBACK
See?
DR. NOSTRUM
So, actually, it's much more concise than the Guardian...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
...really?
HUTCHBACK
Much more concise. No, but I can go into more detail.
DR. NOSTRUM
Right. No, no, but what I'm saying is – The Bible, succinctly, whenever that was written; two, three thousand years ago, was a lot easier reading than that supplement.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Before they started talking about killing people for wanking.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, so, basically, the Universe was an average of about a thousand degrees centigrade – so quite hot...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, that's pretty hot.
HUTCHBACK
That's pretty hot.
DR. NOSTRUM
Although some places, no, no actually, thinking about it, cos some places were stars and some places weren't...
HUTCHBACK
No, no. There were no stars.
DR. NOSTRUM
So why was it hot?
HUTCHBACK
It was still hot from The Big Bang.
DR. NOSTRUM
From the exspanktion?
HUTCHBACK
(mocking) Yeah. From the expanktion. It exspank-e-ted. It ex-pangéd.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, but if the stars were billions of degrees, and space is nothing...
HUTCHBACK
Stars aren't billions of degrees.
DR. NOSTRUM
So.. so what's the average now?
HUTCHBACK
The average no is just above zero. Just above absolute zero. There's a lot of space.
DR. NOSTRUM
So it's getting colder.
HUTCHBACK
It's getting a lot colder, yes. Clearly. But it won't, it won't.. it won't...
DR. NOSTRUM
It doesn't carry on getting colder?
HUTCHBACK
Yes it does. Until...
DR. NOSTRUM
Until it's too cold.
HUTCHBACK
...until everything dies.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yes.
HUTCHBACK
The Heat Death of The Universe.
DR. NOSTRUM
So before there was light, there was heat?
HUTCHBACK
Yes
DR. NOSTRUM
So if it..
HUTCHBACK
There was a lot of heat (pause) and there was no light. The Big Bang...
DR. NOSTRUM
So why doesn't it say "Let it be hot"?
HUTCHBACK
...was completely dark.
DR. NOSTRUM
"And Lo, God said "Let it be hot""
HUTCHBACK
"Let it be hot." So they all went to Eilat. And so the Prophet went to Eilat and he, um, he sunbathed for a bit and shaved his beard off. No, no this is.. interestingly enough (laughs) again, interestingly enough, Stars...
DR. NOSTRUM
Hmm.
HUTCHBACK
...are millions of degrees, but...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah
HUTCHBACK
...A red dwarf is only around 3000 degrees, so, you know, quite mild, really. Compared to millions that's quite mild.
DR. NOSTRUM
I knew there was an 'illions' in it.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, but not billions, I think billions is too hot. But anyway, so the reason was..
DR. NOSTRUM
Is that's what's called Entropy then...
HUTCHBACK
Yes, pretty much.
DR. NOSTRUM
...The slow heat death of the Universe?
HUTCHBACK
Yes, very good. Very good, that's a gold star for the DR.
No, but here's an interesting fact – that always precedes a very boring fact, whenever you hear someone say "and here's an interesting fact" there's always..
DR. NOSTRUM
..A boring fact before it..
HUTCHBACK
A lead in to a really boring piece of information...
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, right.
HUTCHBACK
...however...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, go on.
HUTCHBACK
You may or may not find this interesting...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah
HUTCHBACK
For the first 300,000 years of the Universe..
DR. NOSTRUM
It'll be more interesting than Wii Fit. (pause) Yeah. (pause) Ants? Were there any ants?
HUTCHBACK
The...
DR. NOSTRUM
No.
HUTCHBACK
Light could not have been seen in the Universe.
DR. NOSTRUM
What, cos it was too dusty?
HUTCHBACK
There were no - gaps, if you like.
DR. NOSTRUM
Too dusty?
HUTCHBACK
Yes, it was just..
DR. NOSTRUM
It was solid?
HUTCHBACK
Not exactly solid, but you couldn't pass light through it.
DR. NOSTRUM
Sounds like Diarrhea.
HUTCHBACK
Huh?
DR. NOSTRUM
Sounds like someone talking about stool samples.
HUTCHBACK
You couldn't pass... you couldn't.. No. Light could not...
DR. NOSTRUM
Be seen.
HUTCHBACK
...be seen. That's pretty good. So, in fact, The Bible..
DR. NOSTRUM
It just doesn't make sense.
HUTCHBACK
...The Bible's right.
DR. NOSTRUM
What? "Let there be light." Cos when it thinned.. it started thinning out.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah. No, "And first there was darkness...
DR. NOSTRUM
And then there was light.
HUTCHBACK
...and then there was light."
DR. NOSTRUM
That's not bad.
HUTCHBACK
See?
DR. NOSTRUM
So, actually, it's much more concise than the Guardian...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
...really?
HUTCHBACK
Much more concise. No, but I can go into more detail.
DR. NOSTRUM
Right. No, no, but what I'm saying is – The Bible, succinctly, whenever that was written; two, three thousand years ago, was a lot easier reading than that supplement.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Before they started talking about killing people for wanking.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, so, basically, the Universe was an average of about a thousand degrees centigrade – so quite hot...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, that's pretty hot.
HUTCHBACK
That's pretty hot.
DR. NOSTRUM
Although some places, no, no actually, thinking about it, cos some places were stars and some places weren't...
HUTCHBACK
No, no. There were no stars.
DR. NOSTRUM
So why was it hot?
HUTCHBACK
It was still hot from The Big Bang.
DR. NOSTRUM
From the exspanktion?
HUTCHBACK
(mocking) Yeah. From the expanktion. It exspank-e-ted. It ex-pangéd.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, but if the stars were billions of degrees, and space is nothing...
HUTCHBACK
Stars aren't billions of degrees.
DR. NOSTRUM
So.. so what's the average now?
HUTCHBACK
The average no is just above zero. Just above absolute zero. There's a lot of space.
DR. NOSTRUM
So it's getting colder.
HUTCHBACK
It's getting a lot colder, yes. Clearly. But it won't, it won't.. it won't...
DR. NOSTRUM
It doesn't carry on getting colder?
HUTCHBACK
Yes it does. Until...
DR. NOSTRUM
Until it's too cold.
HUTCHBACK
...until everything dies.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yes.
HUTCHBACK
The Heat Death of The Universe.
DR. NOSTRUM
So before there was light, there was heat?
HUTCHBACK
Yes
DR. NOSTRUM
So if it..
HUTCHBACK
There was a lot of heat (pause) and there was no light. The Big Bang...
DR. NOSTRUM
So why doesn't it say "Let it be hot"?
HUTCHBACK
...was completely dark.
DR. NOSTRUM
"And Lo, God said "Let it be hot""
HUTCHBACK
"Let it be hot." So they all went to Eilat. And so the Prophet went to Eilat and he, um, he sunbathed for a bit and shaved his beard off. No, no this is.. interestingly enough (laughs) again, interestingly enough, Stars...
DR. NOSTRUM
Hmm.
HUTCHBACK
...are millions of degrees, but...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah
HUTCHBACK
...A red dwarf is only around 3000 degrees, so, you know, quite mild, really. Compared to millions that's quite mild.
DR. NOSTRUM
I knew there was an 'illions' in it.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, but not billions, I think billions is too hot. But anyway, so the reason was..
DR. NOSTRUM
Is that's what's called Entropy then...
HUTCHBACK
Yes, pretty much.
DR. NOSTRUM
...The slow heat death of the Universe?
HUTCHBACK
Yes, very good. Very good, that's a gold star for the DR.
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