HUTCHBACK
Whether it's any good or not is a
whole other matter. But it's not
difficult to come up with stories.
DR. NOSTRUM
"... and he drives off." OK. "he
drives..."
HUTCHBACK
No, no, no. He pulls out...
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, he pulls... No, I'm saying, he
pulls... he drives off, in the
mirror we see The Blue Van.
HUTCHBACK
(under his breath,
imitating the character)
"fucking cunt"
DR. NOSTRUM
"... he drives off and in his
mirror, we see The Blue Van," OK,
it's good "...The Blue Van pull
into his spot. "Fucking Cunt" are
the first words we hear...
HUTCHBACK
It's not as funny when Americans
say it though, is it?
DR. NOSTRUM
Whatever. That's OK. "... "Fucking
cunt" are the first words we
hear...
HUTCHBACK
(A sudden thought)
Oh, that would be a good one; I did
an illegal U-turn and this guy
leaned out his car and went
"Jackass!" Really loudly. I really
enjoyed that. It was such a perfect
American moment.
DR. NOSTRUM
Mm. So, I'm just going to swap that
cos I actually think that's a
better start than Green. That's
much better. Mm.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
So there we go "Green..." so...
so... that's fine. And that's
enough on Zack there, er, "Green is
a once famous, pompous and self
obsessed film producer... (he
mumbles on fast scanning but we
can't make out the words)" SO I
guess he's the next person we go
to? He's pitching. He's pitching
and someone will have to come up
with some useful stuff to say. What
you said was great but, well, I've
recorded it so that's alright.
"(More fast scanned mumbling on
Green)...film." See I actually
met... there's a guy, well, it's
not the same level at all, but it's
quite funny.
He's 80, this guy, and he's been
trying to make a musical and he
wrote Peeps Dragon...
HUTCHBACK
(whimsically impressed)
Oh, OK.
DR. NOSTRUM
Remember Peeps Dragon?
HUTCHBACK
What was it? Oh, was it a, er,
film?
DR. NOSTRUM
A kids film. A Disney film. I mean
all those years ago with Jim Dale
and whoever and er, well, it was
Harvey, is what it was.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
But, um, he's a friend of Mrs.
Nostrum's...
HUTCHBACK
Your tea's getting cold.
DR. NOSTRUM
Er, Mum, you know, whatever, I met
him. And he's been trying to pitch
this idea about a musical...
HUTCHBACK
For sixty years.
DR. NOSTRUM
... well, er, a musical...
HUTCHBACK
Based on Pete's Dragon.
DR. NOSTRUM
... called Bite Me, which is, you
know, about Dracula.
HUTCHBACK
(laughing)
Drac...
DR. NOSTRUM
...called Bite Me, er, and er, he
wanted to play... he was here this
month and he wanted to play me the
songs that they, you know, he's got
for this. I don't know and er, it's
just funny. And he's on the
Academy, he's on the Academy Panel,
he picks movies that are, er...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, but there's loads of them...
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no there aren't loads, there
are about 1200 people I think...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Whatever, so, considering how many
people are it's quite funny...
HUTCHBACK
I hate the wiring in this fucking
cave.
DR. NOSTRUM
Hmm?
HUTCHBACK
My bulbs go all the time.
DR. NOSTRUM
Why do you think it's the wiring?
HUTCHBACK
It's definitely the wiring.
DR. NOSTRUM
Why? It could be the fitting.
HUTCHBACK
No, because we've had different...
(trails off) we had new fittings
put in.
DR. NOSTRUM
What's that noise? (Makes a cross
between a creaking noise and a duck
call)
HUTCHBACK
No, because we had new fittings put
in and it's still the same problem.
And it happens with all the lights.
They all blow after fucking no
time.
DR. NOSTRUM
(humming)
Doo doo, doo doo doo doo. We should
have this on an hourly beep, then
we'd get three hour bits. Er, OK,
so, he's... What is that?
HUTCHBACK
It doesn't matter.
DR. NOSTRUM
OK.
HUTCHBACK
Just ignore it, it'll go away.
DR. NOSTRUM
Like I said, that's more stuff,
it's good, just, in his apartment
you've got like "What...
TOGETHER
"What is that?"
HUTCHBACK
(imitating script
character)
"Just ignore it we're trying to
write a fucking script."
DR. NOSTRUM
Mm. OK.
HUTCHBACK
More stuff.
DR. NOSTRUM
Er, (fast again) "He's been
irrelevant for at least twenty
years while he's pitching his film
bout how the commercial reaction to
the end of the counter-culture
signalled the death of the American
soul. In the pitch that opens his
introduction to the show the
response..." Um. "he gets
is...What?
Like Forrest Gump?" Something like
that, or some Americanism about
that.
HUTCHBACK
No, no the response should be:
"It's interesting Jack." What's his
name?
DR. NOSTRUM
Jack.
HUTCHBACK
Jack. "It's interesting, Jack, but
we've already got a Gump..." er, "a
Forrest Gump-ish project on the go
at the moment. We can't have..."
You know, that's how it... Forrest
Gump. "We've already got a Forrest
Gump on the go."
DR. NOSTRUM
"We've already got a Gump
project... in development."?
HUTCHBACK
Yep. Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
"We really want to work with you."
You know, whatever, "we really want
to work with you and we think we've
got the perfect thing." I mean I
like... that's what I was saying
about the reality of it, this is
what I think, at least for me and
you to enjoy doing this, is that
what is going on is nothing at all
like what really goes on, it's more
like a Seinfeld version of what
goes on...
HUTCHBACK
Yes.
DR. NOSTRUM
And I have a feeling that, this was
the thing about whatshername that,
her whole knowledge is great, but
she was saying "You write it
like..." you know, with all these
things that they know TV people get
and it's how the industry really
works, but I'm not interested in
that at all cause...
HUTCHBACK
No.
DR. NOSTRUM
... I think, you know, almost
nobody is apart from the people
that make it.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, but there's a lot of show's
like that.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, there are, that's what I'm
saying, to me it's, like, all that
stuff is very boring.
HUTCHBACK
The reason they get made is that
they're... they're...
DR. NOSTRUM
It's incestuous.
HUTCHBACK
No. Yes, they're appealing to the
vanity of the, er, the TV
executives.
DR. NOSTRUM
And this is what she was saying, is
that that's why they get made and
this can do that and I don't wan...
think that makes sense at all to
try and do that, but anyway...
so... that's... that's something
else. Erm, "We've already got a
Gump project in development...
HUTCHBACK
(sarcastically)
What does she know?
DR. NOSTRUM
... er, well... "We really want to
work with you Jack and we think
we've got the perfect project." I
mean it's not really enough, but I
suppose it's OK? You know? But do
you start, do you start...
HUTCHBACK
No, no, he has to give the punch
line.
DR. NOSTRUM
Which is?
HUTCHBACK
Yuu know... We've got Lindsey Lohan
lined up, erm...
DR. NOSTRUM
Dennis Rodman.
HUTCHBACK
And, um, you know, and, um, they'll
be in a house...
DR. NOSTRUM
I know the people, there's all
the... OK, ahh, god.
HUTCHBACK
They'll be in a house, but the
twist this time, is they're trying
to make a hit record.
DR. NOSTRUM
(typing)
"Lindsey...
HUTCHBACK
Lohan.
DR. NOSTRUM
What do they call Rodman, it's
something like A-jax or something
like that?
HUTCHBACK
A-rod.
DR. NOSTRUM
A-rod, OK, fine. "Lindsey, A-rod
and.
HUTCHBACK
No, why is it A-rod?
DR. NOSTRUM
He's not A-rod, that's the guy
Madonna's... he's a baseball
player, doesn't matter. "Lindsey, A
rod and..." er, there's another
one, Tyson... Tyson Beckford, he's
in all these shows, oh, er, "and
Sylvester's Mum."
HUTCHBACK
Sylvester's Mum...
DR. NOSTRUM
Cos we've seen her, which I
actually like the idea that she
would probably do any kind of show
that you put in front of her at
all.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
"Sylvester's Mum...
HUTCHBACK
You could probably even, we would
definitely get her on this show.
DR. NOSTRUM
"... are lined up for a..." OK
"Lindsey, A-rod and Sylvester's mum
are lined up for a..."
HUTCHBACK
"And we've got this beautiful
apartment in Malibu, but the twist
is, this time they're making a hit
record... for children" No.
DR. NOSTRUM
It's not... What would be just,
completely pointless? That they
would do? I don't know. Maybe. I'm
just not sure that that's how that
works, I think he sort of heads up
a department where ideas are
supposed to, you know "We need
someone to run a department to
bring in Reality projects" might be
enough?
You know, he could say "We've got a
thing", blah blah blah blah "and we
need someone to run a department to
bring in more project like that."
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
So, that would be more...
HUTCHBACK
And erm...
DR. NOSTRUM
So not only is he... He's not even
getting to direct, he's just an
off.. A pencil-pusher. In some way.
HUTCHBACK
No, OK, so he says "You want me to
produce a fucking Reality Show?"
"Well, not exactly produce"
DR. NOSTRUM
Alright.
HUTCHBACK
"What we need you to do is, there
are a lot of these ideas..." Yeah.
So it's basically like...
DR. NOSTRUM
OK "... lined up for a great..."
Er, well let's do this thing you
thought: Big Brother, but we're
gonna... there are gonna be live
wild animals...
HUTCHBACK
No, n-n-n-n-no no no,
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, cause that's one of their
shows.
HUTCHBACK
It can't be. It's got to be an
absolutely...
DR. NOSTRUM
Dull.
HUTCHBACK
Dull as, you know... OK. So,
they're on an island.
DR. NOSTRUM
OK, well, how about this: there's a
project where they all get taught
plumbing and they have to live the,
you know...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah. They're plumbers.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah
HUTCHBACK
Yeah! "Celebrity Plumber".
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. OK. So that's fine... "for a
great series where they have to be
plumbers." OK. Fine.
HUTCHBACK
Yes and each week they get voted
off by a panel of professional
plumbers. Their work gets assessed
by professional plumbers.
DR. NOSTRUM
OK. So, "Celebrity Plumber". That's
quite good, I quite like that. The
one I came up with I actually think
was not bad and probably will get
made. The one on that thing -
"Celebrity Speed Dating". I can
imagine someone will make that.
HUTCHBACK
Hmm.
DR. NOSTRUM
I mean it is a terrible idea that
you'd have to watch it, but I
imagine someone will make it.
HUTCHBACK
Well, my, er my idea was quite
good.
DR. NOSTRUM
Mm.
HUTCHBACK
I actually had a real idea for a
real reality TV show. Remember that
one I had with our freelance
visionary? Maybe we can use that?
DR. NOSTRUM
Which one was that?
HUTCHBACK
It's the dating one where each date
is like... basically, the guy has
to try and keep the date going, or
the girl, whichever one is the,
er...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah?
HUTCHBACK
... has to try and keep the date
going as long as possible and the
whole thing's set up to be a
complete disaster, like the waiters
are all actors...
DR. NOSTRUM
Ah. Yeah.
HUTCHBACK
... and they all do these crazy...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. But that's not a bad idea.
HUTCHBACK
... things and... yeah, it's not
actually a bad idea.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well what's the point of a
reasonable idea? We don't want any
reasonable ideas.
HUTCHBACK
No no no, I'm saying that that
was... So the timer starts and the
date starts and they have to keep
it going as long as possible.
DR. NOSTRUM
I understand, yeah. Yeah.
HUTCHBACK
You know, the waiter comes, spills
the...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, I get it.
HUTCHBACK
Spills the drink down her front.
DR. NOSTRUM
No. I get it. I get it. Anyway.
HUTCHBACK
(sarcastically)
I'm not sure you're really getting
it.
DR. NOSTRUM
I like it. I'm feeling it. Um,
actually, that should be there, she
says "I'm feeling it Jack.' That
would be better "I'm feeling it
Jack, but..."
HUTCHBACK
Entourage is what you're thinking
of.
DR. NOSTRUM
It is. Not that I've ever seen it.
OK. Er, "We really want to work
with you Jack, we've got the
perfect project. Lindsey, A-rod and
Sylvester's Mum are lined up...
HUTCHBACK
Oh. No, Sylvester.
DR. NOSTRUM
Sylvester?
HUTCHBACK
Let's put Sylvester in.
DR. NOSTRUM
OK that's even better. Sylvester.
That's great. "Are lined up..." He
thinks it's Stallone. "What?
Stallone?" "No."
HUTCHBACK
"No, no. The singer."
DR. NOSTRUM
Actually, we could interrupt there
so "Sylvester." "What, Stallone?"
OK. So...
HUTCHBACK
(imitating Green)
"Stallone?" And she's "No, no. The
Singer." (He chuckles away)
DR. NOSTRUM
OK. "... singer, are lined up for a
great series where Celebrities have
to be plumbers and every week the
public..." Oh, this is so boring,
"...the public votes one of them
off." "Celebrities are trained to
be plumbers" Is that better?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
OK.
HUTCHBACK
No. Celebritis have to set up...
Two celebrity... two... you have
rival... two rival celebrity camps
each running their own plumbing
business.
DR. NOSTRUM
(laughing)
OK. Oh, OK fine.
HUTCHBACK
There's the day to day... the day
to day...
DR. NOSTRUM
Tension.
HUTCHBACK
Tension and i, i, intrigue around
two rival plumbing businesses.
DR. NOSTRUM
OK. "Two rival celebrity camps have
to run their own...
HUTCHBACK
(laughing a lot)
Plumbing businesses.
That would be the worst reality
show ever. Actually it's probably
be alright.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well it's very current of course
isn't it? That's what I was
thinking of. I was thinking of Joe
The Plumber. So...
HUTCHBACK
(laughing)
Plumbing...
DR. NOSTRUM
So, er, "Every week the public
votes one member of each team off."
HUTCHBACK
Yes.
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, no, every week there's a
winning team and one member of
the...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
OK.
HUTCHBACK
And they're on an island. "And we
might put them on an..." "But we
might put them on an island."
DR. NOSTRUM
"We need to make more of it."
Something like that. I don't know,
it doesn't matter. "And every week
there's a winning team, and the
losing team..."
HUTCHBACK
I don't think you need to explain
too much about that.
DR. NOSTRUM
OK and you can basically, he, er...
HUTCHBACK
All you need to say is...
DR. NOSTRUM
Dot dot dot dot dot.
HUTCHBACK
Er, no, I don't think they should
go into any explanation or detail.
DR. NOSTRUM
OK.
HUTCHBACK
That's enough.
DR. NOSTRUM
Two rival celebrity camps have to
run their own plumbing business.
HUTCHBACK
No. "The twist is, this time their
running their own plumbing
businesses." As if that's kind of
the magic.
DR. NOSTRUM
OK. "Lined up for a great reality
series..."
HUTCHBACK
"And you want me to direct this?"
DR. NOSTRUM
OK, so...
HUTCHBACK
"Can I remind you I made..." and
then we need to come up with some
films.
DR. NOSTRUM
OK. I just want to... Well, we
might as well just name some great
films. Frankenheimer films.
HUTCHBACK
Well, no no no, let's get films
that sound like Frankenheimer
films.
DR. NOSTRUM
OK, well anyway "are lined up for a
great reality series with two rival
celebrity camps. The twist is..."
OK.
HUTCHBACK
Are you feeling it baby? I think
he's actually made something
recently.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well he made... what did he make?
Um, what was the one, "The
Manchurian Candidate" what can we
say there?
HUTCHBACK
OK, let's see, he made 'Black
Sunday', 'French Connection 2'
DR. NOSTRUM
Didn't he make Manchurian
Candidate? No he didn't.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, yeah, yeah he did.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.
HUTCHBACK
'Seven Days In May', 'Birdman Of
Alcatraz', 'Seconds' that's a great
film.
DR. NOSTRUM
What's that, imdb?
HUTCHBACK
Mm.
DR. NOSTRUM
Does it have his MTV Base stuff?
HUTCHBACK
(mockingly)
'Does it have his MTV Base stuff?"
He's not actually done anything in
the last 6 years.
DR. NOSTRUM
Hmm.
HUTCHBACK
He made 'Reindeer Games' in 2000.
Oh, he did Ronin. That's why I...
Fuck, that was over 10 years ago.
That must have done alright?
DR. NOSTRUM
Hmm. Mystery Girl said he can't get
work... So, he's like "You want me
to direct this?"
HUTCHBACK
"You want me to direct this piece
of shit?"
DR. NOSTRUM
I don't know if he'd do that. Cos
in some sense...
HUTCHBACK
No, cos he knows them...
DR. NOSTRUM
Really?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, they're like his...
they're... they're friends of his.
You know, this is why it makes it
so bad, it's like he's... you know,
they know him very well and...
DR. NOSTRUM
So?
HUTCHBACK
Because he's got... this guy's got,
um, principles.
DR. NOSTRUM
So we've got "Not really, we've got
a great YouTube, um, film-maker
lined up..."
HUTCHBACK
(laughing)
"A great YouTube film-maker!" um,
"No, we've got this kid off
YouTube" er "this YouTube kid who's
very hot at the moment. He's taking
the helm on this one."
DR. NOSTRUM
OK
HUTCHBACK
"But we need, er, we need an
experienced guy like you..."
DR. NOSTRUM
"But we need a visionary like
you..."
HUTCHBACK
"We need a visionary!"
DR. NOSTRUM
"To head up the Reality
department." How's that?
HUTCHBACK
I don't know, it sounds a bit
grand. Grandiose.
DR. NOSTRUM
It's alright for pitching. He (Rat)
might change it.
HUTCHBACK
No, no. I think his job should
sound worse.
DR. NOSTRUM
Er, "We need someone to get the
idea in for The Reality Department"
HUTCHBACK
He's just doing development. "We
need a guy..."
DR. NOSTRUM
OK. "We need a visionary to..."
HUTCHBACK
"to be on the ground finding these
things."
DR. NOSTRUM
"be on the ground finding the
things for these new hot kids."
HUTCHBACK
"for these hot kids to knock out
the park."
DR. NOSTRUM
OK. That's good...(types away).
Imagine if this is what TV writing
is. Oh boy. OK.
HUTCHBACK
Well it is. It's people sitting in
a room, writing.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, yeah, but they're getting
paid for it. You know.
HUTCHBACK
One day... maybe we will.
DR. NOSTRUM
Maybe.
Showing posts with label politics. Show all posts
Showing posts with label politics. Show all posts
Sunday, 20 February 2011
Monday, 9 February 2009
2009 Predictions Part 5 - Bankers' Prison Island
The Hutchback is not normally an angry man. Yes, he performs hideous acts of barbarism on a daily basis, but these are not done out of anger, merely boredom.
(off topic: yes that was a reference to the Golden Dawn on tonight's Eastenders, what next Aleister Crowley turns up and sacrifices Minty to the god Horus).
These Bankers (or as we should refer to them Banksters) are set fair for a good few billion in bonuses. This is surely the equivalent of giving a mugger a tip after he has kneed you in the testicles and stolen your watch, wallet, and mobile phone.
So my prediction is that by the end of the year the world community will have set up prison islands in the South Atlantic, and we will ship the whole festering lot of them off to these desolate windblown frozen hellholes.
They can then sub-prime eachother to their hearts content.
(off topic: yes that was a reference to the Golden Dawn on tonight's Eastenders, what next Aleister Crowley turns up and sacrifices Minty to the god Horus).
These Bankers (or as we should refer to them Banksters) are set fair for a good few billion in bonuses. This is surely the equivalent of giving a mugger a tip after he has kneed you in the testicles and stolen your watch, wallet, and mobile phone.
So my prediction is that by the end of the year the world community will have set up prison islands in the South Atlantic, and we will ship the whole festering lot of them off to these desolate windblown frozen hellholes.
They can then sub-prime eachother to their hearts content.
Saturday, 24 January 2009
All Talk 57 - 2009 Predictions - The Rise Of The Tramps
DR. NOSTRUM
I fear what most people will do is just roam the streets looking for food, in which case it’ll have been an advantage being a bin man cos you’d know where to look.
HUTCHBACK
So bin men will become the...
DR. NOSTRUM
The hunter-gatherers.
HUTCHBACK
...guru’s for the new age.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, no.
HUTCHBACK
They’ll be the wise..
DR. NOSTRUM
They’ll be just underneath Ray Mears.
HUTCHBACK
Alright, but they’ll be consulted, they’ll be able to charge..
DR. NOSTRUM
Now That..! No, wait a minute! That is one of the predictions that is reasonably obvious, is that people who forage will become leaders of the new age.
HUTCHBACK
Yes, absolutely.
DR. NOSTRUM
So your new age, you’re actually envisaging the Apocalypse, the complete breakdown...
TOGETHER
...of society...
DR. NOSTRUM
...So how do you make money out of it?
HUTCHBACK
...that’s a little bit extreme.. What do you mean how do you make money out of it?
DR. NOSTRUM
(poking fun at HUTCHBACK’s new catchphrase) Is it a business?
HUTCHBACK
Is it a business? I don’t.. I don’t th.. alright, it might happen but I don’t think so. I think what’s nore likely is that there are lots of people who lose their jobs, that’s clearly going to happen.. Make yourself another tea.
DR. NOSTRUM
Right, but if you could teach hunter-gatherer techniques to all these people who lose their jobs..
HUTCHBACK
Urban hunter-gatherer techniques, that would be a big boon.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, you could do it as a government scheme. For all the people who are out of work you send them on schemes...
HUTCHBACK
And you know who becomes...
DR. NOSTRUM
...to learn how to become Ray Mears.
HUTCHBACK
...No, you know who become the real figureheads, the CEO’s; Tramps. Tramps.
DR. NOSTRUM
Who’ve been doing it..
HUTCHBACK
They’ve been doing it for years! They know more than bin men. They definitely know more than bin men. So, suddenly, society gets inverted and the people at the top are Tramps.
DR. NOSTRUM
So this is our..
HUTCHBACK
So this is our second prediction: Takeover of the Tramps.
DR. NOSTRUM
Ok, we got there quicker this time. So prediction number two is that the world order is turned on its head and that Tramps become the leaders of the New Society.
HUTCHBACK
Because they have all the skills needed to survive the recession. The oncoming onslaught.
DR. NOSTRUM
Ok.
HUTCHBACK
And it’ll actually become a desirable career path for children who are growing up, you know, “Son, you really need to work hard on your foraging and your begging techniques..
DR. NOSTRUM
No, there’s no-one to beg from, so maybe it isn’t tramps?
HUTCHBACK
No, but foraging, they’ve got foraging down pat, oh yeah, rummaging through bins. Except no-one will have any rubbish...
DR. NOSTRUM
No, wait a minute...
HUTCHBACK
...there won’t be any rubbish any more, that’s the problem...
DR. NOSTRUM
...Maybe...
HUTCHBACK
...that’s where this thing falls apart...
DR. NOSTRUM
...but maybe, you know...
HUTCHBACK
...is that people won’t have anything to buy so they won’t have anything to throw away.
DR. NOSTRUM
...as a sideline to the prediction industry is the TV thing, which, is not, you know, Ray Mears Bushcraft, but, you know, Ray Mears...
TOGETHER
...Bincraft.
HUTCHBACK
Ray Mears Bincraft!
DR. NOSTRUM
And it wouldn’t be Ray Mears it would be..
HUTCHBACK
It would be, you know, Uncle Barney, or whoever...
DR. NOSTRUM
It’s a weekly TV series.
HUTCHBACK
Johnny Hull’s Bincraft.
DR. NOSTRUM
(recognising the name of the well known North of England Tramp of some repute from the dim past) There you go, Johnny Hull’s Bincraft. So even if we don’t have the correct prediction for society, we’ve got a potential television series.
HUTCHBACK
Tramp CEO’s, which actually is in the script come to think of it, but we’ve actually worked out how it could happen.
DR. NOSTRUM
No. Yeah, well, no.
HUTCHBACK
We now have a logical framework for Tramp CEO’s to exist, because before, it was just blind luck.
DR. NOSTRUM
Ok.
HUTCHBACK
Whereas now it’s perfectly logical.
DR. NOSTRUM
In this..
HUTCHBACK
In this future prediction, for there to be Tramp CEO’s.
DR. NOSTRUM
Donald Tramp.
HUTCHBACK
But what do they get paid in?
DR. NOSTRUM
Cardboard boxes.
HUTCHBACK
Cardboard boxes and rotting food.
DR. NOSTRUM
No. There’s no-one to pay them.
HUTCHBACK
No, no. They will get paid.
DR. NOSTRUM
By who?
HUTCHBACK
They’ll have..
DR. NOSTRUM
What do tramps earn?
HUTCHBACK
...they’ll have donations. They’re so important that all the under-tramps will donate some of their foraging. There, because they’re teaching them all the skills.
DR. NOSTRUM
Ok, well, as you pointed out, it’s mainly a post opalyptic, er..
HUTCHBACK
It’s post apocalyptic.
DR. NOSTRUM
...apocalyptic society.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah. So, you know, they give their..
DR. NOSTRUM
So the first prediction is the Apocalyse! (disappointedly) But lots of people have been predicting that. So, it’s not the Apocalypse, though, it’s just the re-distribution of wealth. (pause) Hmm. I think that maybe a more reasonable prediction for 2009...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, because that one is slightly unreasonable.
DR. NOSTRUM
...is that that becomes part of the curriculum.
HUTCHBACK
Tramp studies.
DR. NOSTRUM
Bincraft, I suppose.
HUTCHBACK
Bincraft
DR. NOSTRUM
Yes, Bincraft becomes part of the curriculum, as well as maths and English and all that. That seems alright for 2009, and then as it progresses...
(pause – The DR. is distracted by the sports ticker on the TV)
Sasa Papac. Sasa Papac. That’s good. He’s got an ‘a’ every other letter.
HUTCHBACK
Sasa Papac. Yes, good. It would be good if Sasa was his middle name and Asa was his first name.
I fear what most people will do is just roam the streets looking for food, in which case it’ll have been an advantage being a bin man cos you’d know where to look.
HUTCHBACK
So bin men will become the...
DR. NOSTRUM
The hunter-gatherers.
HUTCHBACK
...guru’s for the new age.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, no.
HUTCHBACK
They’ll be the wise..
DR. NOSTRUM
They’ll be just underneath Ray Mears.
HUTCHBACK
Alright, but they’ll be consulted, they’ll be able to charge..
DR. NOSTRUM
Now That..! No, wait a minute! That is one of the predictions that is reasonably obvious, is that people who forage will become leaders of the new age.
HUTCHBACK
Yes, absolutely.
DR. NOSTRUM
So your new age, you’re actually envisaging the Apocalypse, the complete breakdown...
TOGETHER
...of society...
DR. NOSTRUM
...So how do you make money out of it?
HUTCHBACK
...that’s a little bit extreme.. What do you mean how do you make money out of it?
DR. NOSTRUM
(poking fun at HUTCHBACK’s new catchphrase) Is it a business?
HUTCHBACK
Is it a business? I don’t.. I don’t th.. alright, it might happen but I don’t think so. I think what’s nore likely is that there are lots of people who lose their jobs, that’s clearly going to happen.. Make yourself another tea.
DR. NOSTRUM
Right, but if you could teach hunter-gatherer techniques to all these people who lose their jobs..
HUTCHBACK
Urban hunter-gatherer techniques, that would be a big boon.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, you could do it as a government scheme. For all the people who are out of work you send them on schemes...
HUTCHBACK
And you know who becomes...
DR. NOSTRUM
...to learn how to become Ray Mears.
HUTCHBACK
...No, you know who become the real figureheads, the CEO’s; Tramps. Tramps.
DR. NOSTRUM
Who’ve been doing it..
HUTCHBACK
They’ve been doing it for years! They know more than bin men. They definitely know more than bin men. So, suddenly, society gets inverted and the people at the top are Tramps.
DR. NOSTRUM
So this is our..
HUTCHBACK
So this is our second prediction: Takeover of the Tramps.
DR. NOSTRUM
Ok, we got there quicker this time. So prediction number two is that the world order is turned on its head and that Tramps become the leaders of the New Society.
HUTCHBACK
Because they have all the skills needed to survive the recession. The oncoming onslaught.
DR. NOSTRUM
Ok.
HUTCHBACK
And it’ll actually become a desirable career path for children who are growing up, you know, “Son, you really need to work hard on your foraging and your begging techniques..
DR. NOSTRUM
No, there’s no-one to beg from, so maybe it isn’t tramps?
HUTCHBACK
No, but foraging, they’ve got foraging down pat, oh yeah, rummaging through bins. Except no-one will have any rubbish...
DR. NOSTRUM
No, wait a minute...
HUTCHBACK
...there won’t be any rubbish any more, that’s the problem...
DR. NOSTRUM
...Maybe...
HUTCHBACK
...that’s where this thing falls apart...
DR. NOSTRUM
...but maybe, you know...
HUTCHBACK
...is that people won’t have anything to buy so they won’t have anything to throw away.
DR. NOSTRUM
...as a sideline to the prediction industry is the TV thing, which, is not, you know, Ray Mears Bushcraft, but, you know, Ray Mears...
TOGETHER
...Bincraft.
HUTCHBACK
Ray Mears Bincraft!
DR. NOSTRUM
And it wouldn’t be Ray Mears it would be..
HUTCHBACK
It would be, you know, Uncle Barney, or whoever...
DR. NOSTRUM
It’s a weekly TV series.
HUTCHBACK
Johnny Hull’s Bincraft.
DR. NOSTRUM
(recognising the name of the well known North of England Tramp of some repute from the dim past) There you go, Johnny Hull’s Bincraft. So even if we don’t have the correct prediction for society, we’ve got a potential television series.
HUTCHBACK
Tramp CEO’s, which actually is in the script come to think of it, but we’ve actually worked out how it could happen.
DR. NOSTRUM
No. Yeah, well, no.
HUTCHBACK
We now have a logical framework for Tramp CEO’s to exist, because before, it was just blind luck.
DR. NOSTRUM
Ok.
HUTCHBACK
Whereas now it’s perfectly logical.
DR. NOSTRUM
In this..
HUTCHBACK
In this future prediction, for there to be Tramp CEO’s.
DR. NOSTRUM
Donald Tramp.
HUTCHBACK
But what do they get paid in?
DR. NOSTRUM
Cardboard boxes.
HUTCHBACK
Cardboard boxes and rotting food.
DR. NOSTRUM
No. There’s no-one to pay them.
HUTCHBACK
No, no. They will get paid.
DR. NOSTRUM
By who?
HUTCHBACK
They’ll have..
DR. NOSTRUM
What do tramps earn?
HUTCHBACK
...they’ll have donations. They’re so important that all the under-tramps will donate some of their foraging. There, because they’re teaching them all the skills.
DR. NOSTRUM
Ok, well, as you pointed out, it’s mainly a post opalyptic, er..
HUTCHBACK
It’s post apocalyptic.
DR. NOSTRUM
...apocalyptic society.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah. So, you know, they give their..
DR. NOSTRUM
So the first prediction is the Apocalyse! (disappointedly) But lots of people have been predicting that. So, it’s not the Apocalypse, though, it’s just the re-distribution of wealth. (pause) Hmm. I think that maybe a more reasonable prediction for 2009...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, because that one is slightly unreasonable.
DR. NOSTRUM
...is that that becomes part of the curriculum.
HUTCHBACK
Tramp studies.
DR. NOSTRUM
Bincraft, I suppose.
HUTCHBACK
Bincraft
DR. NOSTRUM
Yes, Bincraft becomes part of the curriculum, as well as maths and English and all that. That seems alright for 2009, and then as it progresses...
(pause – The DR. is distracted by the sports ticker on the TV)
Sasa Papac. Sasa Papac. That’s good. He’s got an ‘a’ every other letter.
HUTCHBACK
Sasa Papac. Yes, good. It would be good if Sasa was his middle name and Asa was his first name.
Friday, 23 January 2009
All Talk 55 - 2009 Predictions - Practical Joke To Appear on The Law Statute Book (Part 2)
HUTCHBACK
Ah, no, but then it gets a bit more complicated, because some practical jokes would not lead to a conviction.
(pause the DR. is bemused)
Ok. Say for instance, Practical Joke; I left a sword on the staircase and someone fell over and died on it. No court in the land would send you to jail for that.
DR. NOSTRUM
What, as opposed to pushing someone off a cliff?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, because pushing someone off a cliff is much more.. No, because if you left.. you know, and then sometime later someone came down the stairs, tripped over and fell on the sword and it killed them.
DR. NOSTRUM
Maybe Negligence?
HUTCHBACK
Negligence. You wouldn’t go to prison for that.
DR. NOSTRUM
(not getting it) So that would be ‘Negligent Practical Joke’?
HUTCHBACK
Ok, that’s a nonsense.. that’s a silly example. Say you leave a knife..
DR. NOSTRUM
(sarcasm) Yeah, that’s a silly one, forget that one.
HUTCHBACK
No, okay, you leave your washing machine open with a big knife pointing up out of the tray (pause) as a practical joke, hoping someone might trip over and fall on it. For a joke.
DR. NOSTRUM
The dishwasher?
HUTCHBACK
The washing machine, er, the dishwasher.
DR. NOSTRUM
What, hoping that someone might fall over?
HUTCHBACK
Trip over, fall on it. (the DR. is shaking his head) Why not, that’s happened
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, that’s not a practical joke.
HUTCHBACK
Why is that not a practical joke?
DR. NOSTRUM
Because the likelihood of someone tripping over as they reach the dishwasher is nothing you can rely on. The practical joke is something where you know someone’s going to do something, so you’d have to...
HUTCHBACK
Ok, so you to set up..
DR. NOSTRUM
...you’d have to, No. You’d have to lift the.. you’d loosen the floorboards.
HUTCHBACK
Well, there you go.
DR. NOSTRUM
You loosen the floorb..
HUTCHBACK
No, no, you just squirt some washing up liquid on the floor.
DR. NOSTRUM
Ok, washing up liquid on the floor and knives sticking up out of..
HUTCHBACK
There’s no court in the land would convict you of that. I’d stake my legal reputation on it.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, I think that’s too much, I think they would convict you.
HUTCHBACK
No, why would they convict you?
DR. NOSTRUM
Because the intention is to harm.
HUTCHBACK
They could never prove that you..
DR. NOSTRUM
No, the intent is to harm.
HUTCHBACK
They could never prove you intended it.
DR. NOSTRUM
To do what?
HUTCHBACK
You would say, “I never planned that as a practical joke, it was just an unfortunate accident.”
DR. NOSTRUM
What are you talking about?
HUTCHBACK
That would be your defense.
DR. NOSTRUM
But how can that be your defense?!
HUTCHBACK
That would be your defense!
DR. NOSTRUM
But it’s a circular argument. “I did this thing, but I never intended to do it.” What’s that?
HUTCHBACK
No, because the prosecution investigation, that would be their case; that it was a planned practical joke and your defense would be that it was just an accident. (pause) I can see you’re struggling with that.
DR. NOSTRUM
I am struggling with that.
HUTCHBACK
Why? Why are you struggling with it?
DR. NOSTRUM
So you’re saying the charge. The charge is Practical Joke...
HUTCHBACK
Yes, the charge...
DR. NOSTRUM
...not the defense?
HUTCHBACK
...yes, of course!! What?
DR. NOSTRUM
That’s what I was struggling with...
HUTCHBACK
You go in..
DR. NOSTRUM
...you do something that’s a practical joke and you say that “I didn’t do it.”
HUTCHBACK
Well yeah, but no, because.. Well, people could accuse you. You could be accused of Murder by Practical Joke. You wouldn’t go in and say..
DR. NOSTRUM
But you would be wholly innocent! Cause if they accused you of doing it by Practical Joke, isn’t it too obscure? What’s the point of charging you with ‘Practical Joke’, why can’t they just charge you with murder?
HUTCHBACK
Because they’d never get murder. They’d never get a murder conviction for that, but they might get death by practical joke, if ty can prove that you put the.. It’s easier to convict someone of ‘Death By Practical Joke’.
DR. NOSTRUM
Sound like a lot of the Inspector Morse, um, mysteries, you know. Where there’s a very convoluted way of killing someone. In fact, there was that Columbo one where he was murdered by the dogs. The defense could have been a practical joke that went wrong.
HUTCHBACK
It was a practical joke to set the dogs on him?
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, you didn’t know the dogs would kill him, but you thought it was funny.
HUTCHBACK
You thought it was funny.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, there we go, so it’s not manslaughter cause, no, but it would be man.. no.. why..
HUTCHBACK
No, you can be accu.. you can go to prison for dog attacks. You can definitely go to prison for dog attacks.
DR. NOSTRUM
Mm. To me now I can only see it as a defense rather than an accusation. I don’t think it’s worth making the accusation, but I can see it as a defense.
HUTCHBACK
Alright, so the accusation would be murder and then your defense is practical joke.
DR. NOSTRUM
And it’s a.. no, it’s a plea, it’s a plea. The plea is, it was a Practical Joke that went wrong, which is not as serious as manslaughter.
HUTCHBACK
Yes. So then they’d have to come up with a...
DR. NOSTRUM
Sentence tariff.
HUTCHBACK
...crime and a sentence called Practical Joke. Yep, I think that’s perfectly reasonable.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yep. Ok, so that’s one.
HUTCHBACK
That’s one, we’ve cracked one prediction.
Ah, no, but then it gets a bit more complicated, because some practical jokes would not lead to a conviction.
(pause the DR. is bemused)
Ok. Say for instance, Practical Joke; I left a sword on the staircase and someone fell over and died on it. No court in the land would send you to jail for that.
DR. NOSTRUM
What, as opposed to pushing someone off a cliff?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, because pushing someone off a cliff is much more.. No, because if you left.. you know, and then sometime later someone came down the stairs, tripped over and fell on the sword and it killed them.
DR. NOSTRUM
Maybe Negligence?
HUTCHBACK
Negligence. You wouldn’t go to prison for that.
DR. NOSTRUM
(not getting it) So that would be ‘Negligent Practical Joke’?
HUTCHBACK
Ok, that’s a nonsense.. that’s a silly example. Say you leave a knife..
DR. NOSTRUM
(sarcasm) Yeah, that’s a silly one, forget that one.
HUTCHBACK
No, okay, you leave your washing machine open with a big knife pointing up out of the tray (pause) as a practical joke, hoping someone might trip over and fall on it. For a joke.
DR. NOSTRUM
The dishwasher?
HUTCHBACK
The washing machine, er, the dishwasher.
DR. NOSTRUM
What, hoping that someone might fall over?
HUTCHBACK
Trip over, fall on it. (the DR. is shaking his head) Why not, that’s happened
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, that’s not a practical joke.
HUTCHBACK
Why is that not a practical joke?
DR. NOSTRUM
Because the likelihood of someone tripping over as they reach the dishwasher is nothing you can rely on. The practical joke is something where you know someone’s going to do something, so you’d have to...
HUTCHBACK
Ok, so you to set up..
DR. NOSTRUM
...you’d have to, No. You’d have to lift the.. you’d loosen the floorboards.
HUTCHBACK
Well, there you go.
DR. NOSTRUM
You loosen the floorb..
HUTCHBACK
No, no, you just squirt some washing up liquid on the floor.
DR. NOSTRUM
Ok, washing up liquid on the floor and knives sticking up out of..
HUTCHBACK
There’s no court in the land would convict you of that. I’d stake my legal reputation on it.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, I think that’s too much, I think they would convict you.
HUTCHBACK
No, why would they convict you?
DR. NOSTRUM
Because the intention is to harm.
HUTCHBACK
They could never prove that you..
DR. NOSTRUM
No, the intent is to harm.
HUTCHBACK
They could never prove you intended it.
DR. NOSTRUM
To do what?
HUTCHBACK
You would say, “I never planned that as a practical joke, it was just an unfortunate accident.”
DR. NOSTRUM
What are you talking about?
HUTCHBACK
That would be your defense.
DR. NOSTRUM
But how can that be your defense?!
HUTCHBACK
That would be your defense!
DR. NOSTRUM
But it’s a circular argument. “I did this thing, but I never intended to do it.” What’s that?
HUTCHBACK
No, because the prosecution investigation, that would be their case; that it was a planned practical joke and your defense would be that it was just an accident. (pause) I can see you’re struggling with that.
DR. NOSTRUM
I am struggling with that.
HUTCHBACK
Why? Why are you struggling with it?
DR. NOSTRUM
So you’re saying the charge. The charge is Practical Joke...
HUTCHBACK
Yes, the charge...
DR. NOSTRUM
...not the defense?
HUTCHBACK
...yes, of course!! What?
DR. NOSTRUM
That’s what I was struggling with...
HUTCHBACK
You go in..
DR. NOSTRUM
...you do something that’s a practical joke and you say that “I didn’t do it.”
HUTCHBACK
Well yeah, but no, because.. Well, people could accuse you. You could be accused of Murder by Practical Joke. You wouldn’t go in and say..
DR. NOSTRUM
But you would be wholly innocent! Cause if they accused you of doing it by Practical Joke, isn’t it too obscure? What’s the point of charging you with ‘Practical Joke’, why can’t they just charge you with murder?
HUTCHBACK
Because they’d never get murder. They’d never get a murder conviction for that, but they might get death by practical joke, if ty can prove that you put the.. It’s easier to convict someone of ‘Death By Practical Joke’.
DR. NOSTRUM
Sound like a lot of the Inspector Morse, um, mysteries, you know. Where there’s a very convoluted way of killing someone. In fact, there was that Columbo one where he was murdered by the dogs. The defense could have been a practical joke that went wrong.
HUTCHBACK
It was a practical joke to set the dogs on him?
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, you didn’t know the dogs would kill him, but you thought it was funny.
HUTCHBACK
You thought it was funny.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, there we go, so it’s not manslaughter cause, no, but it would be man.. no.. why..
HUTCHBACK
No, you can be accu.. you can go to prison for dog attacks. You can definitely go to prison for dog attacks.
DR. NOSTRUM
Mm. To me now I can only see it as a defense rather than an accusation. I don’t think it’s worth making the accusation, but I can see it as a defense.
HUTCHBACK
Alright, so the accusation would be murder and then your defense is practical joke.
DR. NOSTRUM
And it’s a.. no, it’s a plea, it’s a plea. The plea is, it was a Practical Joke that went wrong, which is not as serious as manslaughter.
HUTCHBACK
Yes. So then they’d have to come up with a...
DR. NOSTRUM
Sentence tariff.
HUTCHBACK
...crime and a sentence called Practical Joke. Yep, I think that’s perfectly reasonable.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yep. Ok, so that’s one.
HUTCHBACK
That’s one, we’ve cracked one prediction.
Sunday, 18 January 2009
All Talk 49 - Racism - I'm Trying, But I Just Don't Get It
HUTCHBACK
As the BNP says, it’s not racist to oppose mass immigration and political correctness, it’s common sense.
DR. NOSTRUM
Common sense. It is common sense. It’s comedic sense.
HUTCHBACK
It’s common sense, (pause) if you’re a racist, although it’s not racist in itself.
DR. NOSTRUM
That’s true. That is true. (pause) I don’t oppose immigration. I couldn’t give two monkeys about where you live or..
HUTCHBACK
Two monkeys? (witheringly) Yeah, appropriate; Those Monkey Boys.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, I was thinking that.. I do seriously think that (pause) where you live is just an accident of birth. (The DR. pauses, momentarily bemused by his own inane profundity) Really. Who you are is just an accident of birth, so it really is completely irrelevant. You know, it’s not your fault, is it? So, what difference does it make? I never understood any of that problem.. I often thought that. I don’t think it gets very far with people who actually care about things, but, really, the country you live in, is irrelevant. And who you are is also irrelevant. It just completely doesn’t make any difference does it?
HUTCHBACK
Well, it does, cause if you.. if you’re born in Bangladesh, in a hut, your life’s not going to be much fun.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, I didn’t mean that, I meant that there’s no difference between any of it. If someone from Bangladesh comes over here, or I go over there, who gives a fuck? You know, who cares? I don’t care.
HUTCHBACK
The racists care.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, they do. But why do they care?
HUTCHBACK
(becomes The Racist) Because it’s OURS! It’s our land! Fuck off! Get off my land! Get off my land!
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, but they’re not living in your living room.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, but they could be. They could be downstairs raping my wife!
DR. NOSTRUM
Maybe.
HUTCHBACK
While I’m upstairs, having if off with my next door neighbour.
DR. NOSTRUM
Whereas, at least if it’s someone you know, it’s not so bad.
HUTCHBACK
And then you could have all those little, you know, all those..(here comes The Racist again) All those black babies. That’s the theory you see, that’s where it all comes from; Get off my land, don’t shag my wife, I don’t want any black babies.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, well, I don’t get it really.
HUTCHBACK
Well, no. that’s probably why you’re not a BNP councilor.
DR. NOSTRUM
But talking to this guy I work with, who’s not a racist, but has racist views..
HUTCHBACK
“I’m not racist, it’s just that everything I say is racist.”
DR. NOSTRUM
No, I just don’t get it, I don’t understand it, I completely don’t understand it. What is it that causes something like that, I don’t get it? It completely is bemusing.
HUTCHBACK
Keep talking. See if you can do it on your own – much harder.
DR. NOSTRUM
I don’t know. I could probably keep talking for a while. (long pause – HUTCHBACK leaves the room, the DR continues, talking to himself in haltingly) Anyway.. Maybe what it is, is; that.. you are afraid that somehow.. you will lose your.. What? I don’t know what it is. What is racism? What is it about? Fear of something, I’m not sure what. (HUTCHBACK returns)
HUTCHBACK
See; Couldn’t do it.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, I could do it. I was just very quiet.
HUTCHBACK
Right, well, that’s enough of that.
All Talk 46 -That BNP Campaign Analyzed and What Happened To All Those NHS Smears
HUTCHBACK
Oh, here we go. (HUTCHBACK brandishes a leaflet recently shoved through the portcullis – it has two comparative pictures of white and non-white street scenes – more of this later)
DR. NOSTRUM
What's this, the secrets of Gosky Borough? Oh, the BNP!
HUTCHBACK
The BNP, yes.
DR. NOSTRUM
Is that them at the bottom?
HUTCHBACK
What do you mean is that them at the bottom! It's a load of angry..
DR. NOSTRUM
That's great, what a good picture! I think that's quite an improvement, I mean look at the ugly mugs on the women at the top there.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
At least they've got the good grace to...
TOGETHER
...cover themselves up.
DR. NOSTRUM
...so we don't have to look at their ugly mugs.
HUTCHBACK
And look, that's The Great British V Sign there.
DR. NOSTRUM
I like that, it is a very good picture. I don't understand, so are they proposing that this is worse, or better?
HUTCHBACK
Of course it's worse!
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, it's not worse is it!
HUTCHBACK
No, of course they're saying it's worse.
DR. NOSTRUM
But to me, at the bottom you've got less people...
HUTCHBACK
Ye-uh.
DR. NOSTRUM
...so that is a great improvement.
HUTCHBACK
It is a great improvement, you've got more..
DR. NOSTRUM
You've got less people
HUTCHBACK
...there are more cars.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, you've got less people standing around with rubbish. (The DR. finally remembers the listener) We're jus.. Just to describe the, er, BNP Londoner – Putting London First, there's a before and after shot and the before shot is, um, a black and white which looks like the, probably the V.E. day party or something like that, with people standing around in black and white, with a lot of crap on tables...
HUTCHBACK
Although...
DR. NOSTRUM
...No men, there's no men...
HUTCHBACK
Mm.
DR. NOSTRUM
There's a lot of women and children...
HUTCHBACK
...and there's a big pile of fruit - although one of the girls appears to be wearing a fez.
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh yeah. (he studies it) Maybe it's a plant pot.
HUTCHBACK
Maybe so, but there's a distinct Islamic influence going on there, nonetheless.
DR. NOSTRUM
Anyway there's bunting, flags, er, miserable houses, lots of people and some of them are smiling. There are a lot of them, some of them look pissed off. And at the bottom there's a picture of some, presumably muslim, women, or BNP members dressed up as muslim women wearing the full.. the full gear, er, looking at the camera taking the picture and one of them's giving The Great British V Sign, but there's only 4 of them so I think this is quite good actually. What you've done is; you've reduced the number of people, you've invented colour and, er, you don't have to look at their faces...
HUTCHBACK
And you're re-invigorating The Great British V Sign.
DR. NOSTRUM
That's right, you've managed to keep one thing going. (pause, thinks) But, I mean, that's not a great deal.. that's not a lot
worse, really, it's just different people.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, no, but, no.. it.. It's not a lot worse...
DR. NOSTRUM
...as an image.
HUTCHBACK
...objectively speaking, but, if you hate Asians, then it is a lot worse.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, you don't know they're Asians...
HUTCHBACK
Yes you do.
DR. NOSTRUM
...it's just the clothing.
HUTCHBACK
No, skin colour.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, maybe. So, anyway, what do they..
HUTCHBACK
They have chosen two particularly ugly women.
DR. NOSTRUM
You can't tell.
HUTCHBACK
You can tell.
DR. NOSTRUM
(scrutinizing the picture) One of them looks like a bloke – even under the full gear.
HUTCHBACK
You can definitely tell.
DR. NOSTRUM
I think it is a bloke. I reckon that's a bloke.
HUTCHBACK
Not only a bloke, but a wrestler.
DR. NOSTRUM
No – what's their crime? Their crime is that they're different to us isn't it?
HUTCHBACK
Their crime is; their skin is a slightly darker colour.
DR. NOSTRUM
And they don't speak English as well as..
HUTCHBACK
"People like you are voting British National Party."
DR. NOSTRUM
Where does it say that?
HUTCHBACK
We have a quote here from Ballerina Simone Clarke...
DR. NOSTRUM
That assumes a lot, doesn't it? "People like you are voting BNP"
HUTCHBACK
...Ballerina Simone Clarke, actually standing in Kenwood...
DR. NOSTRUM
Where's this?
HUTCHBACK
...It looks like she's in Kenwood.
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, I thought her first name was Ballerina.
HUTCHBACK
Ballerina. Is that Kenwood?
DR. NOSTRUM
You really, really wouldn't want your picture in one of these would you?
HUTCHBACK
No. "Immigration is out of control. There are already over 1 million illegal immigrants in London already and many more flood in each year. I'm voting BNP cos they're the only party who have the guts to speak out on the issues that count."
DR. NOSTRUM
(for those listening in print for the first time - irony alert folks) That's true, cos immigration isn't spoken about by anybody, is it, really. No-one talks about it.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, we should definitely, definitely vote BNP.
DR. NOSTRUM
She's got a suspiciously Jewish nose...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
...actually.
HUTCHBACK
Hmm.
DR. NOSTRUM
I wondered about this actually. On a completely non-funny point, well, a semi-non funny point; How far back do you go. I mean, what is British? How many people are they going to get rid of?
HUTCHBACK
Well, obviously they'll have to get rid of all the, um.. Everyone from William The Conqueror onwards...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, I mean I don't understand..
HUTCHBACK
..Which is the majority of the country.
DR. NOSTRUM
That's what I didn't really understand. Like, who.. Who is British?
HUTCHBACK
There'll be a few Scots and a few Welsh and a few Irish left.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, but they won't want Scots will.. Oh no, they're British.
HUTCHBACK
They were the ori.. more.. well...
DR. NOSTRUM
I suppose so. I kind of see them as the English National Party really.
HUTCHBACK
...you know.
DR. NOSTRUM
Do they like Scots?
HUTCHBACK
(not interested in that) So, interestingly enough, they are leading their campaign with – Not, "Kill All The Darkies" but...
DR. NOSTRUM
You know who that is?
HUTCHBACK
..."Get rid of the Congestion Charge."
DR. NOSTRUM
That...
HUTCHBACK
Very clever.
DR. NOSTRUM
That.. there's a bloke at the bottom here, who I think is Alan Titmarch, er, Titchmarsh, um, the gardener. It's Alan titchmarsh's face, but above it it says Bill De Ken Seger.
HUTCHBACK
It's not Alan Titchmarsh.
DR. NOSTRUM
Actually there is a picture of a young group of black kids, one of whom seems to be pointing a rifle at the person taking the picture, which seems a bit unlikely, but I suppose it's possible.
HUTCHBACK
I think it looks more like a submachine gun.
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh yeah, you know, one of them submachine guns. I wonder what they want.
HUTCHBACK
"We need to clamp down on gangs and make our streets safe again."
DR. NOSTRUM
That's fair enough.
HUTCHBACK
Fair enough.
DR. NOSTRUM
We don't need the BNP to do it...
HUTCHBACK
No
DR. NOSTRUM
...but that's fair enough.
HUTCHBACK
Mm.
DR. NOSTRUM
"We say no to immigration, because enough is enough, this country is full." You can tell that, because you can't move, you can't move for people. (beat) I don't get all this, why do people get so angry about this stuff? This is what the guy, you know, going back to the guy I was working with – I think there's this feeling that somehow, somehow this is the problem; That people who aren't us want to kill us.
HUTCHBACK
This is quite good – "How Labour plan to steal your vote. – Please do not post your postal vote."
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh.
HUTCHBACK
Doesn't it then stop being a postal vote, if you don't post it?
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh – "For information on how Labour supporters steal postal votes, call...
HUTCHBACK
For more information on how Labour supporters steal postal votes, post a letter to the following address.
DR. NOSTRUM
I wonder how much that costs. It doesn't say anywhere how much the phone call costs. 07527...
HUTCHBACK
Shall we donate?
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, I'll make a donation to the London BNP. (you can imagine what it might be)
HUTCHBACK
(back to the leaflet) "Warning, during this election you will probably receive nasty leaflets from the Labour party. These leaflets will be full of smears." That's quite unpleasant, that.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well how do they get them from the NHS. Clearly the NHS are not doing their job.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, that's where all the smears are going; they're going into the fucking Labour leaflets...
DR. NOSTRUM
No wonder..
HUTCHBACK
...and the Labour party are sending 'em out!
DR. NOSTRUM
No wonder people are getting cervical cancer.
HUTCHBACK
They're bloody being posted out to random fucking cunts.
DR. NOSTRUM
And they say the Government's not to blame.
HUTCHBACK
And they say Gordon Brown knows what he's doing.
DR. NOSTRUM
Not many people do say that actually.
HUTCHBACK
No, they don't. In fact, they say he has no idea what he's doing.
Oh, here we go. (HUTCHBACK brandishes a leaflet recently shoved through the portcullis – it has two comparative pictures of white and non-white street scenes – more of this later)
DR. NOSTRUM
What's this, the secrets of Gosky Borough? Oh, the BNP!
HUTCHBACK
The BNP, yes.
DR. NOSTRUM
Is that them at the bottom?
HUTCHBACK
What do you mean is that them at the bottom! It's a load of angry..
DR. NOSTRUM
That's great, what a good picture! I think that's quite an improvement, I mean look at the ugly mugs on the women at the top there.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
At least they've got the good grace to...
TOGETHER
...cover themselves up.
DR. NOSTRUM
...so we don't have to look at their ugly mugs.
HUTCHBACK
And look, that's The Great British V Sign there.
DR. NOSTRUM
I like that, it is a very good picture. I don't understand, so are they proposing that this is worse, or better?
HUTCHBACK
Of course it's worse!
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, it's not worse is it!
HUTCHBACK
No, of course they're saying it's worse.
DR. NOSTRUM
But to me, at the bottom you've got less people...
HUTCHBACK
Ye-uh.
DR. NOSTRUM
...so that is a great improvement.
HUTCHBACK
It is a great improvement, you've got more..
DR. NOSTRUM
You've got less people
HUTCHBACK
...there are more cars.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, you've got less people standing around with rubbish. (The DR. finally remembers the listener) We're jus.. Just to describe the, er, BNP Londoner – Putting London First, there's a before and after shot and the before shot is, um, a black and white which looks like the, probably the V.E. day party or something like that, with people standing around in black and white, with a lot of crap on tables...
HUTCHBACK
Although...
DR. NOSTRUM
...No men, there's no men...
HUTCHBACK
Mm.
DR. NOSTRUM
There's a lot of women and children...
HUTCHBACK
...and there's a big pile of fruit - although one of the girls appears to be wearing a fez.
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh yeah. (he studies it) Maybe it's a plant pot.
HUTCHBACK
Maybe so, but there's a distinct Islamic influence going on there, nonetheless.
DR. NOSTRUM
Anyway there's bunting, flags, er, miserable houses, lots of people and some of them are smiling. There are a lot of them, some of them look pissed off. And at the bottom there's a picture of some, presumably muslim, women, or BNP members dressed up as muslim women wearing the full.. the full gear, er, looking at the camera taking the picture and one of them's giving The Great British V Sign, but there's only 4 of them so I think this is quite good actually. What you've done is; you've reduced the number of people, you've invented colour and, er, you don't have to look at their faces...
HUTCHBACK
And you're re-invigorating The Great British V Sign.
DR. NOSTRUM
That's right, you've managed to keep one thing going. (pause, thinks) But, I mean, that's not a great deal.. that's not a lot
worse, really, it's just different people.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, no, but, no.. it.. It's not a lot worse...
DR. NOSTRUM
...as an image.
HUTCHBACK
...objectively speaking, but, if you hate Asians, then it is a lot worse.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, you don't know they're Asians...
HUTCHBACK
Yes you do.
DR. NOSTRUM
...it's just the clothing.
HUTCHBACK
No, skin colour.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, maybe. So, anyway, what do they..
HUTCHBACK
They have chosen two particularly ugly women.
DR. NOSTRUM
You can't tell.
HUTCHBACK
You can tell.
DR. NOSTRUM
(scrutinizing the picture) One of them looks like a bloke – even under the full gear.
HUTCHBACK
You can definitely tell.
DR. NOSTRUM
I think it is a bloke. I reckon that's a bloke.
HUTCHBACK
Not only a bloke, but a wrestler.
DR. NOSTRUM
No – what's their crime? Their crime is that they're different to us isn't it?
HUTCHBACK
Their crime is; their skin is a slightly darker colour.
DR. NOSTRUM
And they don't speak English as well as..
HUTCHBACK
"People like you are voting British National Party."
DR. NOSTRUM
Where does it say that?
HUTCHBACK
We have a quote here from Ballerina Simone Clarke...
DR. NOSTRUM
That assumes a lot, doesn't it? "People like you are voting BNP"
HUTCHBACK
...Ballerina Simone Clarke, actually standing in Kenwood...
DR. NOSTRUM
Where's this?
HUTCHBACK
...It looks like she's in Kenwood.
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, I thought her first name was Ballerina.
HUTCHBACK
Ballerina. Is that Kenwood?
DR. NOSTRUM
You really, really wouldn't want your picture in one of these would you?
HUTCHBACK
No. "Immigration is out of control. There are already over 1 million illegal immigrants in London already and many more flood in each year. I'm voting BNP cos they're the only party who have the guts to speak out on the issues that count."
DR. NOSTRUM
(for those listening in print for the first time - irony alert folks) That's true, cos immigration isn't spoken about by anybody, is it, really. No-one talks about it.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, we should definitely, definitely vote BNP.
DR. NOSTRUM
She's got a suspiciously Jewish nose...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
...actually.
HUTCHBACK
Hmm.
DR. NOSTRUM
I wondered about this actually. On a completely non-funny point, well, a semi-non funny point; How far back do you go. I mean, what is British? How many people are they going to get rid of?
HUTCHBACK
Well, obviously they'll have to get rid of all the, um.. Everyone from William The Conqueror onwards...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, I mean I don't understand..
HUTCHBACK
..Which is the majority of the country.
DR. NOSTRUM
That's what I didn't really understand. Like, who.. Who is British?
HUTCHBACK
There'll be a few Scots and a few Welsh and a few Irish left.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, but they won't want Scots will.. Oh no, they're British.
HUTCHBACK
They were the ori.. more.. well...
DR. NOSTRUM
I suppose so. I kind of see them as the English National Party really.
HUTCHBACK
...you know.
DR. NOSTRUM
Do they like Scots?
HUTCHBACK
(not interested in that) So, interestingly enough, they are leading their campaign with – Not, "Kill All The Darkies" but...
DR. NOSTRUM
You know who that is?
HUTCHBACK
..."Get rid of the Congestion Charge."
DR. NOSTRUM
That...
HUTCHBACK
Very clever.
DR. NOSTRUM
That.. there's a bloke at the bottom here, who I think is Alan Titmarch, er, Titchmarsh, um, the gardener. It's Alan titchmarsh's face, but above it it says Bill De Ken Seger.
HUTCHBACK
It's not Alan Titchmarsh.
DR. NOSTRUM
Actually there is a picture of a young group of black kids, one of whom seems to be pointing a rifle at the person taking the picture, which seems a bit unlikely, but I suppose it's possible.
HUTCHBACK
I think it looks more like a submachine gun.
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh yeah, you know, one of them submachine guns. I wonder what they want.
HUTCHBACK
"We need to clamp down on gangs and make our streets safe again."
DR. NOSTRUM
That's fair enough.
HUTCHBACK
Fair enough.
DR. NOSTRUM
We don't need the BNP to do it...
HUTCHBACK
No
DR. NOSTRUM
...but that's fair enough.
HUTCHBACK
Mm.
DR. NOSTRUM
"We say no to immigration, because enough is enough, this country is full." You can tell that, because you can't move, you can't move for people. (beat) I don't get all this, why do people get so angry about this stuff? This is what the guy, you know, going back to the guy I was working with – I think there's this feeling that somehow, somehow this is the problem; That people who aren't us want to kill us.
HUTCHBACK
This is quite good – "How Labour plan to steal your vote. – Please do not post your postal vote."
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh.
HUTCHBACK
Doesn't it then stop being a postal vote, if you don't post it?
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh – "For information on how Labour supporters steal postal votes, call...
HUTCHBACK
For more information on how Labour supporters steal postal votes, post a letter to the following address.
DR. NOSTRUM
I wonder how much that costs. It doesn't say anywhere how much the phone call costs. 07527...
HUTCHBACK
Shall we donate?
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, I'll make a donation to the London BNP. (you can imagine what it might be)
HUTCHBACK
(back to the leaflet) "Warning, during this election you will probably receive nasty leaflets from the Labour party. These leaflets will be full of smears." That's quite unpleasant, that.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well how do they get them from the NHS. Clearly the NHS are not doing their job.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, that's where all the smears are going; they're going into the fucking Labour leaflets...
DR. NOSTRUM
No wonder..
HUTCHBACK
...and the Labour party are sending 'em out!
DR. NOSTRUM
No wonder people are getting cervical cancer.
HUTCHBACK
They're bloody being posted out to random fucking cunts.
DR. NOSTRUM
And they say the Government's not to blame.
HUTCHBACK
And they say Gordon Brown knows what he's doing.
DR. NOSTRUM
Not many people do say that actually.
HUTCHBACK
No, they don't. In fact, they say he has no idea what he's doing.
The History of The U.S. U.K. Gallon discrepancy.
It was none other than Frederick Bean (Tex) Avery, the creator of Daffy Duck, Droopy and Mickey Mantle, that prompted the creation of the small U.S. gallon.
Dr Nostrum recalls fondly the free-wheelin' wind up the skirts holiday with Tex and J Edgar Hoover that caused the final parting of the ways with the Mother country. Neither Tex nor J Edgar liked Fred Quimby much, so he never came along.
J Edgar had been in one of his Texan phases, really for the benefit of Tex, who was the ideal man to lap it all up. On one of the lazier afternoon's J Edgar was sauntering around in his 8.32 Gallon Hat, waving it at all and sundry and flashing a bit of leg. Getting no response, Tex felt the need to big J Edgar up and began insisting that he was a bigger man than an 8.3, and that J Edgar was a 10 all the way in his eyes. And any man that's a 10 should be wearing a 10 gallon hat.
Unfortunately the 10 gallon hat was too big for J Edgar and thus the 8.3 was renamed. The measurement system soon followed with J Edgar reasoning that there was a great psychological benefit to all Americans of being able to say that they could fill up anything with more gallons than their European competitors could for the same amount of work.
Dr Nostrum recalls fondly the free-wheelin' wind up the skirts holiday with Tex and J Edgar Hoover that caused the final parting of the ways with the Mother country. Neither Tex nor J Edgar liked Fred Quimby much, so he never came along.
J Edgar had been in one of his Texan phases, really for the benefit of Tex, who was the ideal man to lap it all up. On one of the lazier afternoon's J Edgar was sauntering around in his 8.32 Gallon Hat, waving it at all and sundry and flashing a bit of leg. Getting no response, Tex felt the need to big J Edgar up and began insisting that he was a bigger man than an 8.3, and that J Edgar was a 10 all the way in his eyes. And any man that's a 10 should be wearing a 10 gallon hat.
Unfortunately the 10 gallon hat was too big for J Edgar and thus the 8.3 was renamed. The measurement system soon followed with J Edgar reasoning that there was a great psychological benefit to all Americans of being able to say that they could fill up anything with more gallons than their European competitors could for the same amount of work.
Sweet Dreams Are Made of This - End Gazza Bombing Shreiks Lennox
Dr. Nostrum can today clear up several press errors after first hand news. Former Eurythmics frontman and ex-world heavyweight champion Lennox Lewis today urged Israel to end the bombing of ex-everything footballer Paul (Gazza) Gascoigne. Lewis claims to represent much of the boxing pop star world who, he says, are united in condemnation of "Israel's repeated interventions into Gazza, which have driven the poor man to near insanity, exacerbated by his being forced to carry round two ex-Mossad plastic ducks against his will wherever he goes." Lennox continued on in this vein until I fell asleep.
Meanwhile Israel continued to protect itself whilst simultaneously enhancing World peace prospects with surgical strikes in the worlds press, carefully targeted to avoid collateral opinions.
Dr. Nostrum says, these nations have been throwing rocks at each other for 5000 years so don't expect them to stop anytime soon.
Meanwhile Israel continued to protect itself whilst simultaneously enhancing World peace prospects with surgical strikes in the worlds press, carefully targeted to avoid collateral opinions.
Dr. Nostrum says, these nations have been throwing rocks at each other for 5000 years so don't expect them to stop anytime soon.
All Talk 29 - Bush and Obama Epitomise The American Dream
DR. NOSTRUM
I suppose one good thing about George Bush is that it gives a lot of people hope.
HUTCHBACK
Hmm
DR. NOSTRUM
It's kind of like that ideal, you know, "Anyone Can Do Anything." You want to be President you can. You just have to have (pause) everybody help you.
I suppose one good thing about George Bush is that it gives a lot of people hope.
HUTCHBACK
Hmm
DR. NOSTRUM
It's kind of like that ideal, you know, "Anyone Can Do Anything." You want to be President you can. You just have to have (pause) everybody help you.
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