Jade Goody Media Martyr - Cashing In On Death

Can you believe it, a serious article from Dr. Nostrum as I take a moment to reflect on a recurring nightmare.

Though we are no closer to finding a meaning for Jade Goody's life, in one of the clearest predictions of 2009 (and yes, foul and cynical as I am, hopefully beyond) there will be a long examination for the meaning of her death and it's place as 'Entertainment' on our screens.

(cue bubbly airhead teen voice over) 'Read all about brave Jade's losing battle with Cancer and get 20 great Credit Crunch Cancer beating looks! Only in this week's edition of Uber-Voyeur, only £1.20 at all good Newsagents!'

I really don't think I will. In fact I know I can't. So I will become one of those hated commentators (surely - 'contentators') that pontificate on the morals of this most exquisite hell of an exploitation at a distance. You see, I'm not interested in the minutiae of Jade's serialised death throe, but then, I don't like Slasher films or Grand Theft Auto so I probably exist in a tiny vacuum. No, more than not interested; phobic.

There isn't a simultaneously less important yet more vicarious life and all it's for is so we can enjoy our pity and scorn at a scripted reality the Truman Show would've junked as unbelievable.

Look, there is a regular lighter and crueler side to Dr. Nostrum's Jade jibes and yes, saving her skin is a reasonable charitable enterprise so it can be pegged out and displayed as a lesson to all those who seek fame for fame's sake, but something has clearly gone wrong and not only in my brain.

There must be a point at which we recognise our Nero's fiddling as Rome burns. I humbly submit that serialising, trivialising and repackaging the slow death of a young, questionably smart, woman into a Television Reality Soap and glib Trashazine Hooks for the financial benefit of the Media well beyond the financial benefit to her family is one of those markers.

I don't have any morals up here in the cloud, because it's all make believe, but you down there...

Mutya Marginalises Midgets

Dr. Nostrum was delighted to hear Mutya Buena (Sugarbabes) nominate Verne Troyer for eviction in UK Celebrity Big Brother because she feels uncomfortable around midgets. Despite her best efforts, cracks in her thus far peerless demeanor are beginning to show. Meanwhile, Tina Malone seems to be resembling a shaved Silverback more and more as the days pass, it was edifying to see her bite her toenails and a blessed relief that she wasn't naked at the time, I fear television sets across the country may have cracked.

Celebrity Big Brother Annual Attempt At Michael Jackson Misses Again

Dr. Nostrum can see through the casting as another attempt to lure Michael Jackson into the house falls narrowly wide as they shoot and hit Latoya - who I have been calling Janet most of the week.

It's not a good cast really, lit up wonderfully by Coolio, who is both an annoying asshole and a dead eyed killer, although another dead eyed killer was missed in the Paparazzi task this week as he was hoisted over the wall on a crane. Perhaps if they had used Iranian crane hoisting methods Barrymore would have been spotted? In one of the ad breaks he scarily appeared behind whoever it is that is deadpanning for the Big Mouth bit that I have never seen "Look Out! Look Out!" I screamed at the television. "Look out or you'll end up raped and found dead in a swimming pool!" but the guy never turned round.

Meanwhile back on the main show; Mutya and Tina have been lounging around in the big ashtray like two bored and tired hookers bemused at their inclusion, Ben and Michelle are ex-pop starring and boring us; Terry seemingly couldn't find an elderly gentleman to bend over for, he acts as if he's waiting for Alan Bennett (who Dr. Nostrum has been writing country music with periodically over the last year); Verne plays the Aahh toy for female viewers - no sign yet of the vicious ankle biter the press has made him; Ulrika and Latoya compete for whose face will sag last, both faces are clearly slowly heading south after having been pumped and frozen just before going in, but whose injections will prove to be the strongest? - It's one of the more interesting reasons to stay tuned. In the Scottish politician category, Tommy doesn't have the Galloway ego but though he does a passable Marcel Marceau impression in a leotard, Galloway has him (and most of the planet) beat in that department too. Lucy has gone, she was there to do what?? Another Tit models who wants us to know she's more than a Tit model so she can do non Tit model work. And lastly Coolio plays them all as the Big Brother Nero, but Latoya the least, watching them together is a real life "Love is..." Janet bats her eyelids as her night in shining armour boldly goes into battle to piss off the unknown English 'talent' and bring her back their broken spirits.

Coolio to win - driving out on Verne's car.

I believe Hutchback has a different take.