All Talk 71 - "This is Easy"

HUTCHBACK
Right. I'm about to use Turbo-lok,
Tur-bollock.

DR. NOSTRUM
I like the idea that at parties
he's always trying to recognize
arses.

HUTCHBACK
I have a... this bit might not fly
cos it's a bit too, kind of...

DR. NOSTRUM
What bit?

HUTCHBACK
About him being a colonic
irrigation therapist...

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, but the very first...

HUTCHBACK
...it's a bit too broad.

DR. NOSTRUM
The very first thing about him was
that everything he does is
connected to shit. Now, that's
why...

HUTCHBACK
That bit's good.

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. People like that. So at the
moment, you could say "At the
moment he's a part time..."
alright, so that's what we'll say.

HUTCHBACK
OK. What, people like..? What do
you mean people like that?

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, Rat liked it, Ermy liked
it...

HUTCHBACK
Oh, that everybody who's connected
to this...

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. It's just a good character
trait.
It's a very simple catch-all
statement, that everything he's
ever done is somehow connected to
shit.

HUTCHBACK
Well the thing is that there's not
that many jobs.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, there's sewer works and
there's...

HUTCHBACK
(chuckling)
Sewer worker.

DR. NOSTRUM
We can find things

HUTCHBACK
Water re-processing plant. Um. You
know? Oh! Er, dog... dog walker.

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, dog walker, that was the
other one. "A connection to shit."
So, we've got, like, dog walker...

HUTCHBACK
Clinical waste disposal, kind of...
you know, he's a kind of garbage
man for clinical waste disposal.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, dog walker or park attendant,
whatever it is.

HUTCHBACK
Hmm.

DR. NOSTRUM
"Dog walker..." Street-cleaner,
that's fine so he's a street
cleaner... errr.

HUTCHBACK
Right, I'm about to go and...

DR. NOSTRUM
Swimming pool?

HUTCHBACK
... do my thing.

DR. NOSTRUM
Did you put Viakal on it?

HUTCHBACK
(irritated)
Yes.

DR. NOSTRUM
The whole thing will fall off the
wall now.

The Hutchback leaves to attend to his plumbing problem as the
doctor types up their 'Treatment' for a minute or two, then
returns triumphantly holding the shower head.

HUTCHBACK
Ta-daa! Amazing. Amazing. As I was
doing it I was thinking "That's a
very, very costly way to..." I
mean, I was paying a lot there to
undo one nut.

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. But you're...

HUTCHBACK
I may in the future need that thing
again, but... And now, this!

The Hutchback brandishes an earlier purchase.

DR. NOSTRUM
Oh. You needed a hose. Very good.
Have you got, er, you won't have
it. I should have told you... it
doesn't matter it's just something
that helps... PTFE tape. It's tape
that you wrap around things that
you screw together to stop water
getting through the bits, um, if
you ever remember to get it: PTFE
tape. OK? Undo it... it's useful,
you do it all the junctions, you
just wrap a little bit round and it
stops the... it stops them leaking
at all. It's what plumbers use,
so... but never mind.

HUTCHBACK
Never mind. Fuck it, eh? Fuck it.

More plumbing and typing ensues as the Hutchback goes to
install the hose before returning to get the Turbo-lok
wrench.

HUTCHBACK (CONT'D)
Right. Now, I do need it again! Cos
I can't do it tight enough.

DR. NOSTRUM
That's what you need that tape for.

HUTCHBACK
No, no. I just need the.. thing.

DR. NOSTRUM
(nannying)
Well. OK.

Yet more plumbing and typing. Then.

HUTCHBACK
Tur-bollock is a truimph! A
triumph. See, you would have made
me buy that cheap one...

DR. NOSTRUM
And it would have been perfectly
fine.

HUTCHBACK
And it would have been just as
good, but I wouldn't have had the
same joy...

DR. NOSTRUM
No.

HUTCHBACK
... using it.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, I did... I did realise that.
So I've got "Zack is a Jewish
twenty something waster with
designs on being a Reality TV
producer. Everything he's ever
done...

HUTCHBACK
No, hold on, hold on. No.

DR. NOSTRUM
Why?

HUTCHBACK
I don't think he does want to be a
Reality TV producer. He just wants
to get into the business.

DR. NOSTRUM
"Being in TV..."

HUTCHBACK
He just... That's all he cares
about.

DR. NOSTRUM
So, "Designs on being in...

HUTCHBACK
And he's never had an idea in his
life

DR. NOSTRUM
"... TV, but he's never had a good
idea in his life." Or, he's never
had an idea.

HUTCHBACK
Never had an idea. In his life.

DR. NOSTRUM
He must have had an idea?

HUTCHBACK
Well, he's never had...

DR. NOSTRUM
"an idea...in his life". Fine.
"Everything he's ever done has had
a connection to shit..." And you've
got "Dog walker, Street...

HUTCHBACK
No, no, no, no , no. Not everything
he's ever done has... His last few
years...

DR. NOSTRUM
"Every job he's ever had"

HUTCHBACK
... all the jobs he's had.

DR. NOSTRUM
(typing)
"Every job... he's ever... had..."
Every job he's ever had has a
connection... Every part-time...

HUTCHBACK
(opening his packet of
kettle de-scaler)
What the fuck? You get one packet?

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, look at that.

HUTCHBACK
What a piece of shit.

DR. NOSTRUM
OK "Every job he's ever had has a
connection to shit: Dog Walker;
Street Cleaner; Sewer
Maintenance..." Can you think of
any others? How about Life Guard
at, er... not Life Guard, er,
Beach... Attendant. No.

HUTCHBACK
Beach cleaner?

DR. NOSTRUM
No. Doesn't matter, we'll think of
other ones. "He's peering out of
his apartment window in a low rent
part of Paramount, getting ready to
go to work..." um "he's a trainee
part-time colonic hydrotherapist at
a very exclusive clinic where all
the industry are known to go. He
never gets to meet the client, only
interfaces with an ass through a
curtain and hears a voice. At
parties he crashes he's always
trying to recognise asses or
voices."

HUTCHBACK
Oh, wait, wait wait wait wait, we
need to reconfigure him a bit.

DR. NOSTRUM
OK.

HUTCHBACK
Cos his sister's an actress.

DR. NOSTRUM
No, that's the other one. That's
the other one.

HUTCHBACK
Oh, right.

DR. NOSTRUM
So that's fine. Um. "His calling
card has accidentally been printed
as "Hydro The Rapist" at a vital
point to late to rectify by some
dim-witted Fed-ex Kinko clerk."
Doesn't matter, it's just a comment
to remember.

HUTCHBACK
Hydro The Rapist.

DR. NOSTRUM
See, that's good cos it's bigger,
er, it's bigger than the other
thing. So he's getting ready to go
to work, just... well, let's go
back...

HUTCHBACK
All we need to do at the end is do
a word count and compare and
then...

DR. NOSTRUM
Let's go back to the thing about
peering out the window.

HUTCHBACK
OK.

DR. NOSTRUM
OK.

HUTCHBACK
So, he's not with his Mum because
he's...

DR. NOSTRUM
No, he's just getting ready to go
to work.

HUTCHBACK
... Going to work.

DR. NOSTRUM
He's peering out his apartment
window getting ready to go to work.
Outside... what he's looking at,
so, what he's looking at.
See, the thing is, is this is much
fuller, really, than what we've
done for Green. But I don't really
know how to write Green yet, so...

HUTCHBACK
You know what actually it could be?
This would be even better, is that
his car is in front of his drive...

DR. NOSTRUM
Right.

HUTCHBACK
... and he can see across the... he
can see the Blue Van...

DR. NOSTRUM
Mm-hmm.

HUTCHBACK
... It's just idling at the end of
the road, waiting...

DR. NOSTRUM
OK. OK I get that. That's good.

HUTCHBACK
So...

DR. NOSTRUM
The Dirty Blue Van...

HUTCHBACK
The Dirty Blue Van...

DR. NOSTRUM
It's like that... it's like, er...

HUTCHBACK
And you know can't...

DR. NOSTRUM
... you can't see through the
window.

HUTCHBACK
... and you don't know quite what's
going on either, but he comes out,
gets in, dives off about ten yards
and then the Blue Van pulls in and
parks in front and he's "Fuck! You
Fuck!"

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, and "Fucking cunt!" are the
first words we hear him say. So
that's fine, He's not said anything
up till then, he's just looking at
things... and that could be the
first words that are said in the
show. And that could open the show,
so I'll put him first. Cos that's
enough on him, about... at the
moment, that's enough and we can
expand... "What he's looking at is
his car..." er, "what he's
doing..." OK. So, "What he's doing
is looking at his car, parked
underneath..." parked right outside
the building, yeah? "parked right
outside the building..."

HUTCHBACK
Well as he walks out he's
eyeballing it and you can see...

DR. NOSTRUM
Well I think he's, what he's done
is he's done that (mimes peering
through slats in a blind) in the
flat that's all, he's done that in
the flat as he's getting ready,
periodically he's doing that, that
could be all and enough. Er,
"parked outside the building... and
then looking along the street... We
don't know why." OK, fine, so, "As
he leaves..." so as he leaves "he
looks down the street and sees...
and we see a Dirty Blue Van with
smoke belching from it's...

HUTCHBACK
Smoke belching, yeah. No, no... no,
no. Not tinted windows, you see
this... the guy. The guy has to
become a character. The driver of
the van.

DR. NOSTRUM
Alright.

HUTCHBACK
It's just some... some unshaven
fat... kind of... working guy.

DR. NOSTRUM
OK. Fine "... belching from the
exhaust. Behind the wheel is...

HUTCHBACK
Cos he lives in the same apartment
block as him.

DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, OK. Fine. "Behind the wheel
is..." er "a greasy, fat, unshaven
slob..." We could say, "who
resembles..." we could say he looks
like him, I think, that would be
quite good as well, older. But it
doesn't matter.

HUTCHBACK
No, cos then you'd think "is it his
dad..?"

DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, OK. "Greasy, fat unshaven slob,
peering over the steering wheel."

HUTCHBACK
Waiting. Just say that the street
is lined with cars. Lined bumper to
bumper with cars, with parked cars.

DR. NOSTRUM
That's how it was where I was in
Rogers Park in Chicago. There was
literally nowhere to park and the
way I used to park was... and in
fact he could do this, he'd pigeon
step the length of his car so you
know how long the car is and then
what he does is he pigeon steps
parking spaces, if he gets stuck.
And if it's more... if it's two
pigeon steps more... so he's an
expert parker, it's the only thing
he's ever been good at. No, that's
no good, cos then he'd be a parking
attendant. So he's no good at
anything, so he doesn't do that.
Never mind, that was what I used to
do. Jimmy could suggest it to him,
cos Jimmy could be an expert
parker, that could be a character
trait.
(beat - onto Hutchback's
preoccupation of de-liming the
kettle) You know you could do it
with vinegar?

HUTCHBACK
Yeah. No, I have, it doesn't work.

DR. NOSTRUM
Just makes everything smell of
vinegar.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah, it makes the whole kettle
stink.

DR. NOSTRUM
"As he leaves..." er (skimmed
through fast) "he looks down the
street and we see a dirty blue van
with smoke belching from the
exhaust. Behind the steering wheel
is a greasy, fat, unshaven slob
peering over the steering wheel,
waiting." So do you think what has
to ha... I suppose what has to
happen is Zack sort of stands
there, he doesn't get straight in
his car, but, you know, he looks
really annoyed...

HUTCHBACK
Yeah, yeah. He's eyeballing him,
the guy's eyeballing him and... and
he's kind of, not mouthing it, but
he's kind of thinking "Don't you
fucking... do it." And I think
there should be some tension in the
fact that there might be something
violent happen, like, I think the
viewer should be thinking
"What's..." you know, "Is this guy
gonna try and run him over? Or come
over and beat him up? Or what the
fuck's going on?" And then it's
just that he wants to park in his
space and I think that's the...
that shows the smallness of this
guy's world beautifully. For him,
having the parking space in front
of... Oh, this is good, you should
put this in: "For him, having the
par...

DR. NOSTRUM
I haven't got there yet. OK. Let me
type it anyway. "For him..."

HUTCHBACK
Well, I'm going to say it: For him
having the parking space in
front... in front... Being able to
park in front of his house is one
of the few small victories...
well... one of the only small
victories in his life. This sums...
shows the, er, the nature of Zack's
life. (pause) Aren't we going into
too much detail now?

DR. NOSTRUM
Doesn't matter, it's w... it's
good, it's worth doing, we'll
shrink it. I mean, we'll just start
with him. It does explain... I
think it explains the character
very well, so I think that's good
and then... (mumbling) That's my
two pennies worth. So, Zack has to
get in his car... "...his car".

HUTCHBACK
This is easy.

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, you see. "... he's late..."

HUTCHBACK
Whether it's any good or not is a
whole other matter.

All Talk 67 - Deathbed Regrets, Curry Eating & Pointless Diarising

DR. NOSTRUM
Oh Boy.

HUTCHBACK
(beat)
Not more of this! Why do they do
this, The Guardian?

DR. NOSTRUM
Is it the universe again?

HUTCHBACK
Why does everything do this? "A
Thousand 'X's To See Before You
Die."

DR. NOSTRUM
What?

HUTCHBACK
"A Thousand 'X's to 'X' before you
die."

DR. NOSTRUM
Like ex-wives?

HUTCHBACK
No, no, no. A thousand "things"...

DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, right.

HUTCHBACK
... or "thing" before you die...

DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, yeah.

HUTCHBACK
... and you can replace "thing"
with anything.

DR. NOSTRUM
Anything? So it's a thousand
"anythings"...

HUTCHBACK
No. This one's "A Thousand
'Artworks' To See Before You Die."
As if people need to see an artwork
before they die.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, A thousand is a lot Isn't it,
really?

HUTCHBACK
It's a hell of a lot.

DR. NOSTRUM
It used to be a hundred. It's
another example of inflationary
thinking, just this idea that you
can do, you know, a thousand
things. Imagine doing a thousand
important things in your life. Be
lucky to do one. Have you seen 'em
all? I guess you can just look at
'em all online.

HUTCHBACK
No. Yes, I suppose that is the
problem. Well, I've seen the second
one on the list. They haven't put
them in order because they don;t
want to appear to be dic..
dictating the, the, the...

DR. NOSTRUM
Value.

HUTCHBACK
... the, um,

DR. NOSTRUM
The value of some...

HUTCHBACK
No, the, um, what's it called?

DR. NOSTRUM
I don't know. (pause) Quality?

HUTCHBACK
No. No, they don't want to be
falling into the whole canonical
sort of, er, sort of mainstream by
saying "these are the top ten
greatest artworks of all time".
It's a sort of anti-list list.

DR. NOSTRUM
It probably used to be "Top Ten"
didn't it? And now, now it's "One
Thousand"

HUTCHBACK
Yeah, but it's sort of an
annoyingly egalitarian way to talk
about it. I think. Why not just say
"These are the twenty you need to
see, the rest are quite good, but
you won't die, sort of regretting
having seen them." (sarcastically)
As if that's likely to be the case.
As if that's likely to be what
you're thinking whilst you're
dying...

DR. NOSTRUM
I wish I'd seen...

HUTCHBACK
... "Fuck, I wish I'd seen that
Titian!"

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, you know what Gielgud said on
his deathbed? I can't imagine that
he did, but he might have done, He
said, asked did he have any regrets
"Yes, I wish I'd had more sex."
That's not bad.

HUTCHBACK
That's not bad, no. I'd like to get
to the point where you think,
"Well, that's enough sex, it's far
too much effort." I like the fact
that I don't have a sex drive any
more... It's very annoying when
you're twenty.

DR. NOSTRUM
(overlapping, quips)
And so does your wife.

HUTCHBACK
... yeah. (laughs) take my wife.
(beat - back to the art anti-list)
Oh, I do like that one though.

DR. NOSTRUM
What? A piece of Artwork?

HUTCHBACK
Erm, this thing here that they've
only got a small picture of.
Maurizio Catalan, 'The Ninth Hour'
It's a great sculpture.

DR. NOSTRUM
Where is it?

HUTCHBACK
Where is it? (looking) They don't
really say where they are.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, how are you s'posed to see
them?

HUTCHBACK
You must have seen this before? It
is a very good sculpture.

DR. NOSTRUM
No, I've never seen it.

HUTCHBACK
You've never see that, The Pope
struck down by a meteorite?

DR. NOSTRUM
It's good. It's one of those 'real'
one's yeah?

HUTCHBACK
Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM
Or is it miniature?

HUTCHBACK
No, no, it's big. You see, there's
not enough jokes, there's not
enough comedy in Art, that's the
problem.

DR. NOSTRUM
No.

HUTCHBACK
It's all far too serious.

DR. NOSTRUM
A bit po faced.

HUTCHBACK
Oh, I went to 'Frieze'. God, it was
annoying. Was it annoying last time
or did we enjoy it? We laughed a
lot didn't we?

DR. NOSTRUM
Mrs. Nostrum didn't enjoy it, it
was all a bit of a hassle and you
don't see much quality.

HUTCHBACK
Yes. Which is a good description of
life in general. Not much quality,
but a lot of aggravation.

DR. NOSTRUM
She had another wonderful
accidental description of
behaviour. I was making something,
or I bought something new and asked
her "Would you like to try it?" she
said "No, I don't want to try it in
case I don't like it." Which I
think is a fabulous catch-all
description of a certain type of
existence. (pause) Well, did you
see anything that you would buy?

HUTCHBACK
Erm.

DR. NOSTRUM
Or you would want on your walls?

HUTCHBACK
God, no. Wouldn't have any of that
shite on my walls, any of that god
awful tat. (beat) Twenty-two
minutes.

DR. NOSTRUM
Of what?

We never find out, they eat and mumble through their food.
Then...

HUTCHBACK
Do you want a knife?

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.

HUTCHBACK
Cos those turkey bits are quite
wiry.

DR. NOSTRUM
And they've also got bit of gristle
in them.
Hmm, that was a really good thing
someone attributed to, um, that
fella who was married to Madonna, a
quote more observant than any of
his films, was that when they did
get to, er, close, he said "it was
like cuddling a piece of gristle."

HUTCHBACK
Hmm, I can see that.

DR. NOSTRUM
And his mum said the most fabulous
thing, so fabulously English and
posh, she said "He knew what he was
getting into, but what do you
expect when you deal with that end
of the market?"

HUTCHBACK
Yeah, I mean, I was always quite
surprised by that, that union. What
di she see in him? And likewise,
what did he see in her?

DR. NOSTRUM
Well...

HUTCHBACK
Money.

DR. NOSTRUM
That's what she suggested, but then
his family's very wealthy, so...?

HUTCHBACK
Okay, she was buying into this...
Manor, English country Manor.

DR. NOSTRUM
She was a stranger in a strange
land. I can't imagine dinner, the
family dinner's if that's what his
mum was thinking I can't imagine
the family was anything but very...
bony.

HUTCHBACK
Of course.

DR. NOSTRUM
Sharing a good laugh with Madonna
about the irony of her latest
single. A woman entirely without
irony I think.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah. Well you've got to be, you
know, cold eyed... a cold eyed
killer to get where she's got.

DR. NOSTRUM
Or a secret paedophile.

HUTCHBACK
Yes.

DR. NOSTRUM
One or the other. (beat - on to the
food) It's alright isn't it, out of
a jar? If that was thinner, or
thicker.

HUTCHBACK
No, it's good!

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.

HUTCHBACK
Who makes it?

DR. NOSTRUM
Er, I think it's the British Curry
Club.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah. I mean it would take a good
hour to make curry sauce that's
better than that, so it's
definitely a.. boon.

DR. NOSTRUM
Cos it's a Vindaloo that's just,
sort of, sour. Like you said that's
it's s'posed to be.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM
I've never had one, but... I guess
Vindaloo add water is a Pathia,
just add water and gradually dilute
it and add more tomatoes and
onions.

HUTCHBACK
(scathingly)
You don't "just add water". You add
more onions, you put in less
chilli.

DR. NOSTRUM
(referring to the meal)
Not an overly complex cuisine is
it? Real thing's pointlessly,
needlessly complex when you can buy
it in a jar. What are they doing
all these chefs? I like the idea of
companies that sell us tap water,
filtered tap water.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah, at least it's honest.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well it wasn't. You know Dasani...

HUTCHBACK
Well, yeah, yeah, but the one's
that actually tell you that it's
tap water.

DR. NOSTRUM
Amusingly, everywhere you go in
Nashville, "Would you like Dasani?"
It's not, "Would you like water?

HUTCHBACK
Just turn on the tap...

DR. NOSTRUM
Out comes Dasani.

HUTCHBACK
Hot and cold running Dasani. In
every house.

DR. NOSTRUM
And the benefit is it's all
drinkable. I guess in the far
future...

HUTCHBACK
They don't call it rain anymore.
"Dasani light"

DR. NOSTRUM
That wouldn't be a bad advert: A
man struggling through the desert
"Dasani! Dasani!"

They polish off the remainder of their plates, then...

HUTCHBACK
Right. I have to go and buy a
spanner.

DR. NOSTRUM
What?

HUTCHBACK
I have to go and buy a spanner. So,
we have to drive and record.

DR. NOSTRUM
Okay.

HUTCHBACK
En route.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, that's alright. You don't
have a spanner in the house? What
about pliers?

HUTCHBACK
Not a spanner, I need a... what are
those things called? A monkey
wren.. Not a monkey wrench, what
are those things called?

DR. NOSTRUM
I don't know what 'the thing' is?

HUTCHBACK
An adjustable spanner.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well why don't you just get one the
right size?

HUTCHBACK
Because I don't know what the size
is. And I want to get one that can
do...
and it's not for a bolt, it's for a
shower head. It's completely...

DR. NOSTRUM
Seized up.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM
Have you tried, um, putting
limescale all over it? Have you
tried that first, cos that's the
simplest thing you can do. Instead
of buying a spanner, is to buy
Viakal. Just pour Viakal all over
it, leave it for twenty minutes,
then open it. I mean, if you don't
have an adjustable spanner and you
desperately need one...

HUTCHBACK
Well, you know, a trip to the, um,
to Bee and Queue might give us
plenty of things which, you know,
would be quite superior.

DR. NOSTRUM
How long have we got today, to come
up with anything useful? Because by
the end of today we should at least
have the opening to this...
Synopsis. Cos I like the idea that
there's a different way to write,
which is by people who don't write.
And therefore you just put down on
the page what you think is funny.

HUTCHBACK
Isn't that how...

DR. NOSTRUM
No, I don't think it is cos the guy
was telling me cos I said "Well,
how do you do this?" And he said,
"Well, there's a good book by
William Goldman," who wrote plenty
of stuff, and I said - there's a
good thing we could put in - "What,
who wrote Lord Of The Flies?"
Coming from a writer, that's quite
good. He said, "No, that's William
Golding." He had to put me right.
So now, when I mention to him...

HUTCHBACK
"There's a good book by William
Goldman." "What, you mean the guy
from Six Million Dollar Man?" "No,
that's Oscar Goldman"

DR. NOSTRUM
This stuff, there's nothing we can
do but write this stuff. So anyway,
I've ordered it online.

HUTCHBACK
But what? How long's that going to
be?

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, he just set down... it lays
out... He's written loads of books,
which aren't his books or
screenplays, but just about how you
lay out screenplays and he says
they're still very apt for how
Hollywood likes to see things. Cos
he's thinking Hollywood, he's not
thinking Britain at all.

Hutchback chokes with laughter.

HUTCHBACK
Of course.

DR. NOSTRUM
That's what I've been saying to
you, that where we're headed, I
hope, is to recreate the Seinfeld
scene, where you know... but
unfortunately we're both George,
that's the trouble.

HUTCHBACK
There isn't the talented one,
there's just the other one.

DR. NOSTRUM
I like the idea of keeping on going
to the point where you have to ask
your work for, what are they
called? A sabb...

HUTCHBACK
A sabbatical.

DR. NOSTRUM
... to, er, write a TV series.

HUTCHBACK
(sarcastically)
Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM
From an advance from, er, Mad TV.
"What's it about?" "Can't tell
you." (beat) I went to this place
called, um, I don't know, something
Elephant. It's got really good,
um... mailshots, they're quite
good, that come through the door,
with great quotes from respected
food writers about how great this
thing... and I went there and
bought some, it's just a kitchen,
like the one you've got round the
corner.

HUTCHBACK
Mm.

DR. NOSTRUM
And it was all just...

HUTCHBACK
Was it Camden?

DR. NOSTRUM
There are a few, there's a couple
of them, can't remember what
they're called... The Mad
Elephant...

HUTCHBACK
The Praying Elephant?

DR. NOSTRUM
I don't know, something Elephant,
but, um, It's just, It just tastes
like salt. Salt with a layer of
onions. Just about edible, but I
would never have it again.

HUTCHBACK
Mm.

DR. NOSTRUM
And the mixed tandoori ame in a
nice deep dish and I thought "Oh,
that's good." except, that much
from the bottom of the dish
(indicates a few millimeters) was
onions. So. They know what they're
doing with these mailshots.

HUTCHBACK
Mm, and who were these dubious food
writers?

DR. NOSTRUM
I don't know, just people like, um,
there's the Time Out review, er,
er, The Evening Standard review,
but htey must have all been, you
know, off one particular location,
off one particular chef, cos it's
the same flyer for all location but
I obviously didn't go to the one
that was written about. So there's
a good one out there somewhere "The
best Indian take-away I've ever
tasted in my life".

HUTCHBACK
They probably just made the whole
thing up.

DR. NOSTRUM
Mm. But it was very well done, so
you know, I fell for it. If you do
it well enough... people come. Have
you got Viakal?

HUTCHBACK
No.

DR. NOSTRUM
Anything? Any de-scaler or anything
like? Cos whilst we're going out...

HUTCHBACK
No. No, I don't.

DR. NOSTRUM
Cos that's probably, that's all
that's happened, it's just seized
up with the limescale.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah I'm sure. We have cake... for
later.

DR. NOSTRUM
I thought you were suggesting we
put that on the shower. No, I
haven't got Viakal, I've got cake.

They finally have polished off the meal.

HUTCHBACK
That was very nice, thank you.

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, it's all right isn't it?

HUTCHBACK
Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM
So have you been wii-fitting?

HUTCHBACK
Um, no, I just use it to weigh
myself. It's just a very expensive
scales.

DR. NOSTRUM
One in which you have no concept of
whether it's accurate or not.

HUTCHBACK
No, no, no it's totally accurate.
It's a lot more accurate than the
set of scales we've got, that
varies by three pounds from one day
to the next.

DR. NOSTRUM
I was talking to the builder, to
the decorator who was gonna come
and do our castle. Did the Keates
ever come out here?

Keates is a decorator in his 60's often in the employ of the
Good Doctor.

HUTCHBACK
Expensive.

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, well, he can be expensive.
He's not expensive to me for some
reason, but there we are, but he
was saying he loves all this
computer stuff, he plays wii almost
all the time and he said, you
know... it was a real embarrassment
when it gave him his wii age of 80,
or something like that, in front of
his family, so now he's trying to
get his wii age down, this
decorator, essex decorator. I
suppose it could replace your real
age.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM
I've got to say...

HUTCHBACK
But it's just about balance.

DR. NOSTRUM
But that's what I was thinking
watching it. Watching you show us
how great it all was it just made
me think "it's a very expensive way
to put your back out." You could do
it far, far more cheaply by holding
something heavy over your head
whilst climbing a ladder.

HUTCHBACK
No, it was fun for a while, but I
just can't... If you actually,
seriously want to do exercise it's
kind of a pain. Far better to just
go for a run. (beat) So? What do we
need to write today?

DR. NOSTRUM
We'll try and expand on the
synopsis. Just start.

HUTCHBACK
Just start? Just start doing it. So
we actually have to sit and write
to start?

DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, we just talk.

HUTCHBACK
Well that's no good.

DR. NOSTRUM
Yes it is, it's fine.

HUTCHBACK
No, no, you have to write.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, it's only what I did last
time. It's just, I'd like to write
something we can send to the
writer.

HUTCHBACK
Now, my phone can record stuff.

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, so can mine but I can never
understand what I'm saying.

HUTCHBACK
Oh.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well we can try it.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah, mine will be better.

DR. NOSTRUM
Mine just went (makes loud
crackling noises)

HUTCHBACK
We'll do a little test.

DR. NOSTRUM
And how long will it record for?

HUTCHBACK
Well it's got about four gig of
memory on it so it should be
plenty.

DR. NOSTRUM
A lot of 'em have a thing where
they turn themselves off after a
minute though. "I missed it, I
missed the greatest joke ever
told!"

HUTCHBACK
Right. (a couple of beeps sound)
It's recording at high quality.

DR. NOSTRUM
We'll just have to try and
summarise the show.

HUTCHBACK
There you go.

DR. NOSTRUM
We don't need high quality.

HUTCHBACK
It can record fifty three minutes
at high quality.

Hutchback plays back his last sentence.

DR. NOSTRUM
OK, well that can run whilst
we're... You know there was some
bloke, did you read or see about
this guy, there's this bloke who's
written literally for like the last
fifty years he wrote in his diary
every fifteen minutes.

HUTCHBACK
(not listening at all)
Ah, now you see. Now, it's saving
it onto the... Oh, it says it can
only record an hour. That's very
strange, the maximum clip length is
one hour, even though it's saving
it onto the memory card. It's not
that interesting I suppose?

DR. NOSTRUM
No.

HUTCHBACK
OK, so?

DR. NOSTRUM
We don't have to turn it on now.

HUTCHBACK
No, no, just when we get in the
car.

DR. NOSTRUM
Um. No, I think we just have to...
No, this bloke, he was a married
bloke and he wrote a diary entry
every fifteen minutes and when he
slept he slept for, like, a maximum
of three hours and then he'd get up
and write in the book and he's done
it for about thirty years.

HUTCHBACK
(overlapping)
He's insane, yes?

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, this is what they were
suggesting. He's a... he was a
vicar, or something.

HUTCHBACK
Right.

DR. NOSTRUM
And his wife, when he didn't write
in it, if he wasn't at the diary he
would, you know, call up his wife
and tell her what to write. Imagine
being married to that. He did that
and it seems that it's all just
complete mundain rubbish, rubbish,
you know, nothing...

HUTCHBACK
(laughing)
"I sat down"

DR. NOSTRUM
... Yeah. It's stuff like that, "I
had a piece of cake, wasn't bad"

HUTCHBACK
"I've been sitting now, for an
hour, I'll give you an update in
fifteen minutes."

DR. NOSTRUM
Mm.

HUTCHBACK
"Still sitting"

DR. NOSTRUM
Mm. Just stuff like that.

HUTCHBACK
"I'm watching telly."

DR. NOSTRUM
Cos, you know cos he thinks he's
creating... the reason he did it,
he wanted to create an important
historical document (Hutchback
laughs mockingly) And maybe it will
be, but it's just, er...

HUTCHBACK
Well, there is a long history of
the history of nobodies.

DR. NOSTRUM
Hmm.

HUTCHBACK
OK, so let's start recording...

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, we've got a couple of good
things, well, one good thing, I
think doggie creampies is quite
good.

HUTCHBACK
Doggie creampies... yeah.

They go out.

All Talk 64 - Any distraction will do

They re-enter the dungeon. We miss some of the conversation,
picking it up as Hutchback is clearing out the refrigerator
and busying himself with other kitchen minion tasks whilst
the Dr. prepares a meal.

HUTCHBACK (CONT'D)
... or giving one to the tramp,
although, raw turkey being given to
a tramp... raw chicken, raw minced
chicken.

DR. NOSTRUM
No, I thought, cos, I just seem to
remember, the first time we sat
down and wrote something, you were
trying to do something with your
computer and... unable to do it,
you were trying to find a lead, or,
er, get something working and that
would have been one of the
character traits of this thing, is
that, whilst... what's his name,
that guy, we've got, Green...

HUTCHBACK
Hold, on, let me...

DR. NOSTRUM
... er, Jimmy...

HUTCHBACK
Green, Jimmy...

DR. NOSTRUM
Jimmy... and I can't rem...

HUTCHBACK
... and a lunatic.

DR. NOSTRUM
Zack! Right, Zack, so...

HUTCHBACK
Zack.

DR. NOSTRUM
... one of his character traits
would be that whilst he's supposed
to be doing something he's always
doing something else, so, you know,
even if you're writing an episode
he's actually trying to fix his
computer, or he's...

HUTCHBACK
Mm.

DR. NOSTRUM
whatever, one of theses things. He
can do that. (Resounding silence
from Hutchback) Well, we'll see
where to start, the fellow Rat said
just expand, expand what was
written.

Huge crash of clanking sounds as Hutchback empties the
dishwasher cutlery into a drawer.

DR. NOSTRUM (CONT'D)
It's funny you get All-Clad, that's
what Peter said he always bought,
Peter in America, and I turned him
on to (puts on imperious voice)
"Swiss Diamond". Have you heard of
Swiss Diamond?

HUTCHBACK
No.

DR. NOSTRUM
It's that you stuff that, you know,
non-stick, but you can't scratch
it.

HUTCHBACK
Oh.

DR. NOSTRUM
It's, um, you can use metal and
scour it and everything but it's
non-stick.

Sounds of Hutchback's gas stove being lit.

DR. NOSTRUM (CONT'D)
(sings)
"you've got, not HIV, but full
blown AIDS!" Have you got anything
oily or ghee like, or...

HUTCHBACK
No. Oh, I might have some ghee
actually, that I made.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, if you've got any... The
reason I'm making this again is
that I made it really nice, but
it's the "curry club curry sauces"
and, um, but I used rancid ghee...

HUTCHBACK
Yes, that's not good.

DR. NOSTRUM
... so, I ruined it, you know?

HUTCHBACK
That doesn't help.

DR. NOSTRUM
(putting some in the pan)
A piece of oil. (hums to himself)

HUTCHBACK
Well, we've got butter, or
vegetable oil.

DR. NOSTRUM
Great. Vegetable oil.

HUTCHBACK
So do you want to use a non-stick?

DR. NOSTRUM
Nah, it's got sauce so...

HUTCHBACK
So, really, we are recording the
sound of you cooking lunch.

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. Have you got a lid for these?

HUTCHBACK
Yup.

DR. NOSTRUM
The sound of food.

HUTCHBACK
The sound of Jews cooking.

DR. NOSTRUM
Are there any cooking programs on
the radio? There's a niche.

HUTCHBACK
Um...

DR. NOSTRUM
There was a great question on, um,
one of the window's computer things
about improving the um, improving
the effieciency of the computer for
your use. One of the questions was
"Are you blind?" with a little
check box next to it.

HUTCHBACK
"Yes, no, don't know?"... So, um,
what do we have to... surely we
should be writing then, rather than
just talking shit?

DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, we are, it depends how long
we've got, because this is how I
can see the only way to start
writing, not knowing how to write,
is that since what we have come up
with is, er, deemed to be a "good
start" he said "just expand on it"
and then next time maybe we'll sit
with Rat, or he'll have a go at,
you know, re... re-jigging what
we've done. I asked, you know, I
told you I asked the Freelance
Visionary about him?

HUTCHBACK
Yeah

DR. NOSTRUM
And the Freelance Visionary said
he'd never met him, but he must be
good to be working on that project
because, because it's a very tough
project for the writers...

HUTCHBACK
What?

DR. NOSTRUM
... in that they were literally
given, like, 3 weeks to write an
episode...

HUTCHBACK
Of what?

DR. NOSTRUM
Robinson Crusoe.

HUTCHBACK
Oh, Robinson Crusoe.

DR. NOSTRUM
He wrote one of the episodes.

HUTCHBACK
Oh, it's series. OK.

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. So, I said, well that's what
I said when I met Rat, um, "What's
next?" and he just said, you know,
expand on the synopsis, more about
the characters and the story. (More
and more cooking sounds) I mean, we
did kinda semi-write episodes
already, didn't we?

HUTCHBACK
Yeah, we did, but we lost them all.

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.

HUTCHBACK
We lost them all in a terrible
computer mishap. Whereby I deleted
everything from you, thinking it's
a load of, you know, it's a load of
meaningless shit, which I'd never
need. Which was a fair assumption
at that point.

DR. NOSTRUM
Noooo, it wasn't, it's always,
look, it's, what it is, it's the,
er, it's, it's the face that
launches a thousand ships.

HUTCHBACK
(dubious)
Hmm.

DR. NOSTRUM
It's the, what is it? Um, the
greatest TV show never made.

HUTCHBACK
It's the, it's the moral outrage
that launched, launches a... that,
that sinks a thousand...

DR. NOSTRUM
Careers.

HUTCHBACK
... careers.

DR. NOSTRUM
Ah, it's worth it! That's part of
the thing I was saying to Rat, I
said that...

HUTCHBACK
Actually not as it were "sinks"
we're not exactly floating.

DR. NOSTRUM
No, but it would be interesting.

HUTCHBACK
It would be... strange. If not...
and I suppose strange and
interesting.

DR. NOSTRUM
Unimaginable.

HUTCHBACK
Yes. Unimaginable.

DR. NOSTRUM
As, but, well, no that's not
actually true is it? It's not
unimaginable, it's just... crazy.
But there we are... I like it.

HUTCHBACK
What about, why don't we both
record this?

DR. NOSTRUM
OK. That would be a good start, to
something. Cos I actually think
that's one of the things I enjoy
about, about, you know, anythng
that sits within an episode, is
that, you know, you can have these
kind of ideas of "how do they write
this stuff?" Which is really, just
Zack recording Jimmy talking.

HUTCHBACK
Yes.

DR. NOSTRUM
But, erm, I told you...

HUTCHBACK
Ostensibly this is to make sure we
don't lose...

DR. NOSTRUM
No, I told you this thing haven't
I, I was...

HUTCHBACK
Have you still got the audio
recordings?

DR. NOSTRUM
Yes.

HUTCHBACK
Oh, OK, so we've still got
something...

DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, no, no, no, no, no I don't. No,
I don't.

HUTCHBACK
Ah.

DR. NOSTRUM
I don't have it. I've got one
document, which is Green Light
Synopsis. I've got one recording of
something, but I don't know... But
anyway, I was sitting in this
writing appointment, with... for
music, I think I told you this,
and, um, I was talking about a
lyric that I'd done and the guy
sitting next to me had said, "Oh,
yeah, I'd like to see that."

HUTCHBACK
What?

DR. NOSTRUM
This lyric. I was talking about a
lyric I'd done and one of the guys
in the writing session said "oh,
yes, let's have a look at it." and
then, we were on the computers and
I was saying, oh, well, I was
thinking, "Well, how do I give it
to you?" And he says, "Oh well
there's an online... there's a, er,
network." and he gave me the name
of the network password and that
didn't work and then, I was
thinking well, do I have a usb
stick, the usb stick? but mine was
mac and his was windows and would
that... I don't know. And then I
realised that I had it on a piece
of paper and that, you know, that
was the last thing I thought of,
just, just giving him the lyric.

HUTCHBACK
(setting up his recording)
How many beats a minute should I...

DR. NOSTRUM
No, don't do it like that, do, go
back to, um, create... go... just
go to create new podcast episode...

HUTCHBACK
Oh

DR. NOSTRUM
... if you just open Garageband...

HUTCHBACK
(imitating)
G.. Garahge-band. (laughs)

DR. NOSTRUM
Is that what it is?

HUTCHBACK
(grandly)
"Guh-rahge band"

DR. NOSTRUM
What is it?

HUTCHBACK
Well, no, that's like the posh way
of saying it.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well what is it?

HUTCHBACK
(UK accent)
Garidge Band

DR. NOSTRUM
No, I've never heard anybody call
it that.

HUTCHBACK
(lorldly)
"Ge-rahge Band" What do you mean
you've never heard anyone...
(laughs) "Ge-rahge Band"

DR. NOSTRUM
Ge-rah... Well, I suppose it's cos
I've only mentioned it in America,
that's why.

HUTCHBACK
"Ge-.." Well, no, cos in... well,
anyway...

DR. NOSTRUM
Ge-rahge Band.

HUTCHBACK
No, it says, Oh, create new podcast
episode.

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah

HUTCHBACK
OK, so... "Utter Shit, Part 1"

DR. NOSTRUM
No, don't call it that, don't do
that.

HUTCHBACK
No, sorry, "Shite." "Utter Shite,
part 1".

DR. NOSTRUM
Let's not kill it yet.

HUTCHBACK
Well, you know, you have to be
humble.

DR. NOSTRUM
No, you don't have to be humble.

HUTCHBACK
At the very least.

DR. NOSTRUM
You don't have to be humble...

HUTCHBACK
When you're starting off... OK.

DR. NOSTRUM
Humble. I mean the...

HUTCHBACK
"Can't record this track."

DR. NOSTRUM
The furthest I think you can go, is
you and me pitching it in LA.
That'll be a dream ticket and then
we can retire heads held high,
having re-created a Seinfeld
episode. (beat - still cooking
remember) It's good, Turkey,
although not good for Turkey's.

HUTCHBACK
No.

DR. NOSTRUM
And it's cheap.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah, but it doesn't really taste
of anything, that's the problem.

DR. NOSTRUM
Free range... well, that's why I'm
making a curry.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM
Free range Turkey is, um, dead
cheap.

HUTCHBACK
Maybe... I see you can set this to
music, maybe you can... maybe
that's been our mistake so far. We
can put a backing track on...

DR. NOSTRUM
I can do that.

HUTCHBACK
Just stick a random backing track
on.

DR. NOSTRUM
Maybe, um, Ode To Spring? Or, um,
no, what's that one with the, er,
UEFA champions league? Um.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah, the, er, what the, er...

DR. NOSTRUM
Ode To Joy. Ode To Joy.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah, just have it playing quietly
in the background, on a loop.

The Dr. enthusiastically and mistakenly starts singing
Carmina Burana, instead of Ode To Joy.

DR. NOSTRUM
Hang on, that's a different one
again.

HUTCHBACK
Waht's that?

DR. NOSTRUM
That's the Davidoff advert. Amazing
isn't it, all these great pieces of
music now known by their product.

HUTCHBACK
"Please select or enable a software
or real instrument track for your
recording."

DR. NOSTRUM
I'll set it up for you alright?
It's not... you've got to do more
than just turn it on.

HUTCHBACK
Right. Oh.

DR. NOSTRUM
You actually have to know something
about...

HUTCHBACK
Oh no, there we go! It's recording.

DR. NOSTRUM
That's it. It says it's recor...
Oh, no that's right.

HUTCHBACK
"Male Voice". Male voice choir.
(talking really high) So if I talk
really high...

DR. NOSTRUM
Have you got something I can use
to... oh, no, i'll just put a bit
of water in. I'm going to go for
this (holding up some curry paste),
plus whatever the other one is.

HUTCHBACK
(ironically)
Apricot Jam?

DR. NOSTRUM
Yes. They're both quite nice.

HUTCHBACK
So... So, um...

DR. NOSTRUM
So, on the...

HUTCHBACK
Do you want some yoghurt? Greek
yoghurt?

DR. NOSTRUM
Erm, no, I don't think so. Well,
you can taste it and add whatever
you want. I'm just getting rid of
the stuff that I bought.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah. "I'm just getting rid of
stuff". "In your stomach" "I
thought, better than throwing it in
the bin, I'll give it to you to
eat."

DR. NOSTRUM
I actually do think about it like
that, food, I'd rather eat it than
throw it away. I've become, er,
like your mum.