DR. NOSTRUM
It’s very unfortunate, you know, twice I’ve been down here to do this and they're probably the only two times in recent history that M’s been annoyed at me. But, oh boy, just, how not to be a cunt?
HUTCHBACK
Lessons in not being a cunt. You can follow this every week as DR. NOSTRUM tries to be less of a cunt.
DR. NOSTRUM
I’ll achieve it.
HUTCHBACK
Follow his progress...
DR. NOSTRUM
Towards sainthood. Cos that really is the apotheosis of not being a cunt.
HUTCHBACK
Yes.
DR. NOSTRUM
It’s sainthood.
HUTCHBACK
Although, according to the bible, that probably isn’t the biblical definition.
DR. NOSTRUM
What? How Jesus was described?
HUTCHBACK
He was the least cunt-like out there.
DR. NOSTRUM
That’s right.
HUTCHBACK
That’s why he was the son of god.
DR. NOSTRUM
Sure. Cos the Son of God...
HUTCHBACK
Shouldn’t be a cunt.
DR. NOSTRUM
No.
HUTCHBACK
Or, rarely. Very rarely should he be a cunt.
DR. NOSTRUM
Did he have just one son?
HUTCHBACK
Did he have j..! No, cos there was that Holy Ghost bloke, wasn’t there? Wasn’t he like a half son?
DR. NOSTRUM
I think ‘only children’ are not great. I think you should always have more than one child, if you’ve got the choice. God, if God had had the choice he’d have probably had more than one son.
HUTCHBACK
If only God existed, then everything would be alright.
DR. NOSTRUM
So, God was a single parent family.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
So actually, that should be enshrined in the bible. Don’t you think that it should be enshrined in the Bible above marriage, if we are to live in the image of God that He was a single parent family?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
And in fact it was the Father that got custody
HUTCHBACK
(reading off the ceefax window on the TV – june 2008 remember - there’s a game show going on) Bank states that credit fears are overstated. (he turns the TV back to the show with the sound off - a game show is on)
DR. NOSTRUM
What is this, ‘Children against an Indian’?
HUTCHBACK
I have no idea
DR. NOSTRUM
Ah, no, no, it's “Are you smarter than an immigrant?’ could be a BNP programme.
HUTCHBACK
And on that note
DR. NOSTRUM
Good night.
Showing posts with label religion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label religion. Show all posts
Sunday, 18 January 2009
All Talk 54 - God, The Single Parent Family
All Talk 41 - The Goldilocks Thesis and Tantric Shitting
DR. NOSTRUM
If it was funny it would be interesting...
HUTCHBACK
No, the thing is, I wasn't about to say anything nasty.
DR. NOSTRUM
Like, for example, a wedding speech in reality, rather than on film where the best man eulogises about the size of the groom's shit is a reasonably amusing concept.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, the size, volume and quantity.
DR. NOSTRUM
As a good thing in a prospective husband is, you know, for the parents in law, not what you want to hear, but, it stays with them.
HUTCHBACK
You've got to be able to pinch out a good length, basically.
DR. NOSTRUM
(pause) I wish you could pinch it out. That would be good if you could pinch it off at the length required, (pause) like sausages. Not that you can.
HUTCHBACK
If you had a very muscular...
DR. NOSTRUM
Anus.
HUTCHBACK
...arsehole.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. Well, maybe some people can do that, I don't know, I suppose they can?
HUTCHBACK
Surely it depends on the consistency...
DR. NOSTRUM
Tantric shitters probably can.
HUTCHBACK
No, if it's a very soft turd you probably could.
DR. NOSTRUM
I would have thought it'd have to have a reasonable consistency to be able to do it.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
But tantric shitters probably can...
HUTCHBACK
I think you're looking for, like, the Goldilocks of shit...
DR. NOSTRUM
Goldilocks?
HUTCHBACK
...not too hard, not too soft. Not too hot, not too cold.
DR. NOSTRUM
Goldilocks? What, was she hot or cold?
HUTCHBACK
No! Cos she...
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, the bed?
HUTCHBACK
...liked it just right didn't she?
DR. NOSTRUM
Did she? Oh, (pause) is that what the tale was basically.. an analogy about?
HUTCHBACK
I'm not entirely...
DR. NOSTRUM
Probably was.
HUTCHBACK
...sure if it was an analogy for Coprophilia, for Goldilocks. I was just using it as a metaphor. Cos she liked her porridge not too hot, not too cold, but just right, so you could say...
DR. NOSTRUM
It is an analogous fairytale actually. I never really saw that before. Not just Coprophilia, but sex, probably sex. It's probably about sex. (pause) Which is why the bears all get in bed. They get into bed and...
HUTCHBACK
You know, daddy's too big, baby's...
DR. NOSTRUM
...too small. So she was.. It's a lesbian...
HUTCHBACK
It's a.. She's a.. Basically, it's a lesbian analogy.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yes
HUTCHBACK
Not just lesbian. Bestial.
DR. NOSTRUM
A bestial, lesbian, coprophiliac analogy.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
That's the thesis.
HUTCHBACK
Although the coprophilia is a bit of a strain, literally, it's a bit of a push. It's a bit of a leap.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, well, we got there from the wrong thing, but...
HUTCHBACK
All I meant was...
DR. NOSTRUM
To do it
HUTCHBACK
...in order to use your arse muscles to properly pinch off half way through a turd it has to be the righ.. Cos obviously, too loose and there's nothing to pinch, it would obviously come out in a long stream. Too hard and you'd never get through it.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well it's never that hard. How hard does a turd have to be that you can't chop through it? I mean how many turds can't you chop through for God's sake? It's not like we shit bones or anything.
HUTCHBACK
No, but you know, sometimes those very dark, peaty ones. Those kind of dense...
DR. NOSTRUM
But they're never so hard.. presumably, a turd is never too hard for an anus to chop through it? I don't think that's possible. I don't think that's possible, otherwise if you couldn't follow through you'd be walking around with that turd sticking out your arse (pause) unless you pulled it out with your hand. Anyway, it's not that interesting to me – about shit.
HUTCHBACK
Well, no, this is the basis for all comedy, surely, talking about shit?
DR. NOSTRUM
Well I'm not a fan of toilet humour, but, the idea of tantric shitting – I can imagine there probably are people who have such control over their guts that can..
HUTCHBACK
..shit out animal shapes.
DR. NOSTRUM
(pause) Well, you'd have to have a very wide anus to do that, but, you know...
HUTCHBACK
Well, you know, as long as the animals are reasonably symmetrical.
DR. NOSTRUM
Most animals are symmetrical. (thinks) What animals aren't symmetrical?
HUTCHBACK
Well, beyond a snake, obviously, that doesn't require much, but no, that would be a talent.
DR. NOSTRUM
(still pursuing the unknown) All animals are symmetrical.
HUTCHBACK
That would be a talent.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, it would be a talent. Can you imagine that on 'The Generation Game'? No, but I would say, if you did that, if you could pinch one off, you then, presumably, cause you've practiced, have the guts to pull what's left...
HUTCHBACK
Draw it back.
DR. NOSTRUM
...back up.
HUTCHBACK
Draw it back up to take more energy out of it.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, you draw it back up so you don't get a skid mark, that's the point. If someone could just do that...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
I think animals can do that can't they?
HUTCHBACK
Tantric, self cleaning anus.
DR. NOSTRUM
That animals...
HUTCHBACK
Animals can't do that! What are you talking about? Have you never seen a dog running around with...
DR. NOSTRUM
Turds falling out their arse.
HUTCHBACK
...turds dripping out of it's f..
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, but that's just cos they're not feeling well.
HUTCHBACK
No.
DR. NOSTRUM
They can do most of that on demand. You know, they can stop a shit.
HUTCHBACK
I don't think they can.
DR. NOSTRUM
You don't think so? (long pause) That's too much shit. How did we get there? Ah, yes, the wedding speech.
HUTCHBACK
It wasn't our fault, it was the wedding speech that did it.
If it was funny it would be interesting...
HUTCHBACK
No, the thing is, I wasn't about to say anything nasty.
DR. NOSTRUM
Like, for example, a wedding speech in reality, rather than on film where the best man eulogises about the size of the groom's shit is a reasonably amusing concept.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, the size, volume and quantity.
DR. NOSTRUM
As a good thing in a prospective husband is, you know, for the parents in law, not what you want to hear, but, it stays with them.
HUTCHBACK
You've got to be able to pinch out a good length, basically.
DR. NOSTRUM
(pause) I wish you could pinch it out. That would be good if you could pinch it off at the length required, (pause) like sausages. Not that you can.
HUTCHBACK
If you had a very muscular...
DR. NOSTRUM
Anus.
HUTCHBACK
...arsehole.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. Well, maybe some people can do that, I don't know, I suppose they can?
HUTCHBACK
Surely it depends on the consistency...
DR. NOSTRUM
Tantric shitters probably can.
HUTCHBACK
No, if it's a very soft turd you probably could.
DR. NOSTRUM
I would have thought it'd have to have a reasonable consistency to be able to do it.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
But tantric shitters probably can...
HUTCHBACK
I think you're looking for, like, the Goldilocks of shit...
DR. NOSTRUM
Goldilocks?
HUTCHBACK
...not too hard, not too soft. Not too hot, not too cold.
DR. NOSTRUM
Goldilocks? What, was she hot or cold?
HUTCHBACK
No! Cos she...
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, the bed?
HUTCHBACK
...liked it just right didn't she?
DR. NOSTRUM
Did she? Oh, (pause) is that what the tale was basically.. an analogy about?
HUTCHBACK
I'm not entirely...
DR. NOSTRUM
Probably was.
HUTCHBACK
...sure if it was an analogy for Coprophilia, for Goldilocks. I was just using it as a metaphor. Cos she liked her porridge not too hot, not too cold, but just right, so you could say...
DR. NOSTRUM
It is an analogous fairytale actually. I never really saw that before. Not just Coprophilia, but sex, probably sex. It's probably about sex. (pause) Which is why the bears all get in bed. They get into bed and...
HUTCHBACK
You know, daddy's too big, baby's...
DR. NOSTRUM
...too small. So she was.. It's a lesbian...
HUTCHBACK
It's a.. She's a.. Basically, it's a lesbian analogy.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yes
HUTCHBACK
Not just lesbian. Bestial.
DR. NOSTRUM
A bestial, lesbian, coprophiliac analogy.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
That's the thesis.
HUTCHBACK
Although the coprophilia is a bit of a strain, literally, it's a bit of a push. It's a bit of a leap.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, well, we got there from the wrong thing, but...
HUTCHBACK
All I meant was...
DR. NOSTRUM
To do it
HUTCHBACK
...in order to use your arse muscles to properly pinch off half way through a turd it has to be the righ.. Cos obviously, too loose and there's nothing to pinch, it would obviously come out in a long stream. Too hard and you'd never get through it.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well it's never that hard. How hard does a turd have to be that you can't chop through it? I mean how many turds can't you chop through for God's sake? It's not like we shit bones or anything.
HUTCHBACK
No, but you know, sometimes those very dark, peaty ones. Those kind of dense...
DR. NOSTRUM
But they're never so hard.. presumably, a turd is never too hard for an anus to chop through it? I don't think that's possible. I don't think that's possible, otherwise if you couldn't follow through you'd be walking around with that turd sticking out your arse (pause) unless you pulled it out with your hand. Anyway, it's not that interesting to me – about shit.
HUTCHBACK
Well, no, this is the basis for all comedy, surely, talking about shit?
DR. NOSTRUM
Well I'm not a fan of toilet humour, but, the idea of tantric shitting – I can imagine there probably are people who have such control over their guts that can..
HUTCHBACK
..shit out animal shapes.
DR. NOSTRUM
(pause) Well, you'd have to have a very wide anus to do that, but, you know...
HUTCHBACK
Well, you know, as long as the animals are reasonably symmetrical.
DR. NOSTRUM
Most animals are symmetrical. (thinks) What animals aren't symmetrical?
HUTCHBACK
Well, beyond a snake, obviously, that doesn't require much, but no, that would be a talent.
DR. NOSTRUM
(still pursuing the unknown) All animals are symmetrical.
HUTCHBACK
That would be a talent.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, it would be a talent. Can you imagine that on 'The Generation Game'? No, but I would say, if you did that, if you could pinch one off, you then, presumably, cause you've practiced, have the guts to pull what's left...
HUTCHBACK
Draw it back.
DR. NOSTRUM
...back up.
HUTCHBACK
Draw it back up to take more energy out of it.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, you draw it back up so you don't get a skid mark, that's the point. If someone could just do that...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
I think animals can do that can't they?
HUTCHBACK
Tantric, self cleaning anus.
DR. NOSTRUM
That animals...
HUTCHBACK
Animals can't do that! What are you talking about? Have you never seen a dog running around with...
DR. NOSTRUM
Turds falling out their arse.
HUTCHBACK
...turds dripping out of it's f..
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, but that's just cos they're not feeling well.
HUTCHBACK
No.
DR. NOSTRUM
They can do most of that on demand. You know, they can stop a shit.
HUTCHBACK
I don't think they can.
DR. NOSTRUM
You don't think so? (long pause) That's too much shit. How did we get there? Ah, yes, the wedding speech.
HUTCHBACK
It wasn't our fault, it was the wedding speech that did it.
Hitler’s Barmitzvah Video
Dr Nostrum can reveal today that, until now purposely concealed, pending verification, since their discovery in the same dingy East German Flat attic that recently offered up early Death Camp plans, are two reels of Birt Acres Birtac camera film shot by an unknown hired cameraman (the initials R. V. appear on the short title sequence) in which appear Alois and Klara Hitler and son Adolf, on the occasion of his Barmitzvah.
This extraordinary luxury was one usually afforded to only the extremely wealthy, but here it seems the two reels were part of a larger project to capture a year in the history of provincial Austrian towns and the appearance of one of the most important figures of the 20th Century was entirely coincidental. The film-maker is no doubt documenting a religious event remarkable only for it's comparitive rarity beyond the Pale of settlement shtetles
In the reels we see young Adolf posing with his proud parents in front of the temporary synagogue, a brief glimpse of Adolf and the Rabbi then party scenes, including the obligatory carrying around at shoulder height in a chair, speeches, and dancing to the hired band. There is a brief glimpse at what may be a magicians act, where we see a bearded man going from table to table in a cloak and gaining applause.
In the beginning Adolf seems happy in the company of family and friends - many Schicklgruber's and Hiedler's - though obviously embarrassed at having his cheeks pinched by kvelling elderly relatives. Only at the end do we get a glimpse the future, where Adolf turns away into his mothers bosom, face scrunched into revulsion at the attempted kisses of those same elders as they leave the party.
No sound of course and, this early in cinema, no captions, but this discovery will send shockwaves through historical texts. There's no getting away from it, Hitler's fascination with home cinema started here.
This extraordinary luxury was one usually afforded to only the extremely wealthy, but here it seems the two reels were part of a larger project to capture a year in the history of provincial Austrian towns and the appearance of one of the most important figures of the 20th Century was entirely coincidental. The film-maker is no doubt documenting a religious event remarkable only for it's comparitive rarity beyond the Pale of settlement shtetles
In the reels we see young Adolf posing with his proud parents in front of the temporary synagogue, a brief glimpse of Adolf and the Rabbi then party scenes, including the obligatory carrying around at shoulder height in a chair, speeches, and dancing to the hired band. There is a brief glimpse at what may be a magicians act, where we see a bearded man going from table to table in a cloak and gaining applause.
In the beginning Adolf seems happy in the company of family and friends - many Schicklgruber's and Hiedler's - though obviously embarrassed at having his cheeks pinched by kvelling elderly relatives. Only at the end do we get a glimpse the future, where Adolf turns away into his mothers bosom, face scrunched into revulsion at the attempted kisses of those same elders as they leave the party.
No sound of course and, this early in cinema, no captions, but this discovery will send shockwaves through historical texts. There's no getting away from it, Hitler's fascination with home cinema started here.
Cranial Rectal Therapy - The New Celebrity Fix.
The clues are building. As you can see from the recent portrait I am, truly, short sighted. The painter thoughtfully capturing that special moment of me trying to find last weeks Premier League Results in The International Herald Tribune, that great bastion of journalism that carries the fight against ignorance not only onto Airplanes but into Dustbins.
I had been laid up due to a back back, but thanks to a referral by dear, dear Agness Deyn, (I fear I shall always confuse her with Angus Deayton) I have luckily been able to see the local Cranial Rectal Therapist who, for a mere week's grocery shop worth of folded green has discovered and begun to cure the problem. I, though only briefly visiting Primrose Hill from our castle in the cloud, like so many local denizens, had my head so far up my ass that I had put a couple of vertebrae out of joint.
After a little prodding and moaning and manipulating the 'rapist managed to relieve me of my hard un-earned and swiftly extracted my commitment to make this essential treatment a never to be missed monthly stop on my journey toward Holistic and Physical Alignment.
But, fair's fair, my back is improved and the world smells sweeter than ever.
I had been laid up due to a back back, but thanks to a referral by dear, dear Agness Deyn, (I fear I shall always confuse her with Angus Deayton) I have luckily been able to see the local Cranial Rectal Therapist who, for a mere week's grocery shop worth of folded green has discovered and begun to cure the problem. I, though only briefly visiting Primrose Hill from our castle in the cloud, like so many local denizens, had my head so far up my ass that I had put a couple of vertebrae out of joint.
After a little prodding and moaning and manipulating the 'rapist managed to relieve me of my hard un-earned and swiftly extracted my commitment to make this essential treatment a never to be missed monthly stop on my journey toward Holistic and Physical Alignment.
But, fair's fair, my back is improved and the world smells sweeter than ever.
All Talk 27 - Not Being A C*nt - The Essence of Buddhism
DR. NOSTRUM
‘Not being a cunt’ is not a bad theme. ‘Trying not to be a cunt’
HUTCHBACK
Yeah. ‘Trying to live your life...
DR. NOSTRUM
...without being a...’
HUTCHBACK
It’s almost like the Buddha’s teachings isn’t it? “Don’t be a cunt.” That’s all it is, that’s the whole of Buddhism in a nutshell – don’t be a cunt.
DR. NOSTRUM
It’s very hard. (long pause) M saved me the other day.. It’s not about trying not to be cunt, it’s just about not.. cos I think a lot of people wouldn’t think to say the things that they were thinking. A lot of people do that, it’s just an art isn’t it – not to say the thing that you’re thinking?
HUTCHBACK
It’s not that much of an art. (pause) You just basically don’t say the first thing that comes into your head. It’s not like some great skill.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, well. Oh dear. It does let me down. No, as I was saying, M saved me. It was just this woman who’d come over to measure up curtains, so she was saying.. you know what you need in a curtain so you retain the first bit, yeah, so the curtain, when you pull it, doesn’t slide away from the wall right?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
So she was saying you have to have this particular thing, which was a particular horrible..
HUTCHBACK
Who was? When? What?
DR. NOSTRUM
The other day – it doesn’t matter! It was a woman who’d come round from John Lewis and we’re having curtains put up..
HUTCHBACK
Oh, you’re having curtains put up. Why didn’t you put them up yourself?
DR. NOSTRUM
Because I don’t want the responsibility of it being done wrong and then having to send it all back..
HUTCHBACK
If I can do it...
DR. NOSTRUM
No, I can do it too, but...
HUTCHBACK
...you can do it.(as we know, HUTCHBACK can’t do this)
DR. NOSTRUM
...I want to do it on, er, I want to do it on, er, on a reveal, so it’s inside ‘a box’ right, so you have to cut the thing to the right length and then you have to do all this shit, and get all your measurements right and yes – I could do it, but I don’t think.. First; if I did do it I think M would get annoyed at me...
HUTCHBACK
Probably
DR. NOSTRUM
Which is one bye-product, and the other thing is; I might do it wrong anyway and I’d rather someone else did it wrong and then, er, we could get annoyed...
HUTCHBACK
You could get annoyed together...
TOGETHER
...at someone else.
DR. NOSTRUM
Exactly. So it’s much better.
HUTCHBACK
Yes.
DR. NOSTRUM
Anyway, so she comes round and says to retain the curtain you have to have these two other hooks in the soffit in the ceiling – and we don’t like these hooks anyway – I said well why can’t you just get a ring around the curtain rail...
HUTCHBACK
‘A ring around your anus’
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, a ring around the – I wish – and get a little grub screw and just attach that to the thing (the DR is animatedly enacting this) and she looked at me, and I could see that it just didn’t make any sense, what I was saying, I could see it, and I couldn’t think of how to explain this simple idea of just having a collar on this rail, that isn’t this hook that you have to have in the ceiling, that you wouldn’t see and that would stop the curtain being pulled along the pole. And the woman didn’t get it. You get it, right? It’s quite a simple idea.
HUTCHBACK
Would it stop the curtain coming through? It would have to be quite a big...
DR. NOSTRUM
No, of course it would stop it, it doesn’t have to be that big cos the weight of the curtain means the top of the eyelet runs along the pole, doesn’t it?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
So as long as it’s big enough to stop – if you’re not pulling hard – so long as it stops the curtain at the top it’s enough.
(for the sake of readers I’ll stop here, because this is very boring, and pick up after the good DR has finished explaining the way another useless invention of his is clearly superior and simpler than other, existing, useless products - ed)
Anyway, she looked at me like I was an idiot (pause) and I looked at her like she was an idiot, which M saw, and the woman actually said to me “You’re looking at me like I’m an idiot, have I missed something.” And M said, “Oh, no, no, he does that sometimes...” and she was all polite, but of course I was looking at her like she was an idiot cause I don’t understand it: This is your job, your job is to go round to people’s houses and fit curtains, this is not a great mental leap - that you can use something else, apart from the hideous thing you use all the time, to retain a curtain.
HUTCHBACK
Mm-hm.
DR. NOSTRUM
It just annoys me: all shit like that. But (pause) I was being a cunt.
HUTCHBACK
You were being a cunt.
DR. NOSTRUM
And I didn’t mean to be, I just was trying to say something simple, but the way I do it, and this is, again, M points out, I have a way of doing it that makes people think I am (pause) looking.. that I think very little of them.
HUTCHBACK
Which is probably true.
DR. NOSTRUM
Which is true. And that’s a problem,
HUTCHBACK
You see?
DR. NOSTRUM
But, it’s a great problem.
HUTCHBACK
You see, you have to mask...
DR. NOSTRUM
I have to learn how to not have a face...
HUTCHBACK
...(with a Jedi like pace) masking your feelings, (and back to normal) you see, this all goes back to (pause) bloody Paloma Picasso. It’s her fault.
DR. NOSTRUM
Is it?
HUTCHBACK
I blame her. I’d blame her for everything in fact – telling you, at a very impressionable age – that you should always be honest...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yes, and I’ve been honest ever since.
HUTCHBACK
...and you’ve been honest ever since and...
DR. NOSTRUM
And look where it’s got me...
HUTCHBACK
...it doesn’t get you anywhere.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, it gets you up to the point where the people who don’t like it don’t help you. (pause) I’m trying to learn and I’m improving, but my face betrays me, that’s the trouble, I’ve got a face that betrays me...
HUTCHBACK
Mm-hmm
DR. NOSTRUM
...even if my voice is silky sweet and smooth I look at people in a certain way and they instantly know that I’m lying, (pause) and that I think they’re a cunt. (HUTCHBACK begins to snigger at this misfortune) And it’s begun to leach into my personal life (pause) and that’s a great problem. Ahh!
HUTCHBACK
Oh dear.
DR. NOSTRUM
It’s just not, you know, and the other thing is it’s not true, it’s just momentary.. It’s momentary annoyance, you know, it’s momentary annoyance that someone doesn’t see the world the way I see it, whereas of course (pause) no-one sees the world the way I see it (pause) all the time. So what can you do? Ahh! (pause) Exasperation. It’s a life of exasperation. Living with idiots, you know, living and working with idiots I every aspect of your life except when it doesn’t happen and the biggest idiot (pause) is the one that can’t accept it (pause) Tony Adams – there’s a fucking idiot. He got a book out of it.
‘Not being a cunt’ is not a bad theme. ‘Trying not to be a cunt’
HUTCHBACK
Yeah. ‘Trying to live your life...
DR. NOSTRUM
...without being a...’
HUTCHBACK
It’s almost like the Buddha’s teachings isn’t it? “Don’t be a cunt.” That’s all it is, that’s the whole of Buddhism in a nutshell – don’t be a cunt.
DR. NOSTRUM
It’s very hard. (long pause) M saved me the other day.. It’s not about trying not to be cunt, it’s just about not.. cos I think a lot of people wouldn’t think to say the things that they were thinking. A lot of people do that, it’s just an art isn’t it – not to say the thing that you’re thinking?
HUTCHBACK
It’s not that much of an art. (pause) You just basically don’t say the first thing that comes into your head. It’s not like some great skill.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, well. Oh dear. It does let me down. No, as I was saying, M saved me. It was just this woman who’d come over to measure up curtains, so she was saying.. you know what you need in a curtain so you retain the first bit, yeah, so the curtain, when you pull it, doesn’t slide away from the wall right?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
So she was saying you have to have this particular thing, which was a particular horrible..
HUTCHBACK
Who was? When? What?
DR. NOSTRUM
The other day – it doesn’t matter! It was a woman who’d come round from John Lewis and we’re having curtains put up..
HUTCHBACK
Oh, you’re having curtains put up. Why didn’t you put them up yourself?
DR. NOSTRUM
Because I don’t want the responsibility of it being done wrong and then having to send it all back..
HUTCHBACK
If I can do it...
DR. NOSTRUM
No, I can do it too, but...
HUTCHBACK
...you can do it.(as we know, HUTCHBACK can’t do this)
DR. NOSTRUM
...I want to do it on, er, I want to do it on, er, on a reveal, so it’s inside ‘a box’ right, so you have to cut the thing to the right length and then you have to do all this shit, and get all your measurements right and yes – I could do it, but I don’t think.. First; if I did do it I think M would get annoyed at me...
HUTCHBACK
Probably
DR. NOSTRUM
Which is one bye-product, and the other thing is; I might do it wrong anyway and I’d rather someone else did it wrong and then, er, we could get annoyed...
HUTCHBACK
You could get annoyed together...
TOGETHER
...at someone else.
DR. NOSTRUM
Exactly. So it’s much better.
HUTCHBACK
Yes.
DR. NOSTRUM
Anyway, so she comes round and says to retain the curtain you have to have these two other hooks in the soffit in the ceiling – and we don’t like these hooks anyway – I said well why can’t you just get a ring around the curtain rail...
HUTCHBACK
‘A ring around your anus’
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, a ring around the – I wish – and get a little grub screw and just attach that to the thing (the DR is animatedly enacting this) and she looked at me, and I could see that it just didn’t make any sense, what I was saying, I could see it, and I couldn’t think of how to explain this simple idea of just having a collar on this rail, that isn’t this hook that you have to have in the ceiling, that you wouldn’t see and that would stop the curtain being pulled along the pole. And the woman didn’t get it. You get it, right? It’s quite a simple idea.
HUTCHBACK
Would it stop the curtain coming through? It would have to be quite a big...
DR. NOSTRUM
No, of course it would stop it, it doesn’t have to be that big cos the weight of the curtain means the top of the eyelet runs along the pole, doesn’t it?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
So as long as it’s big enough to stop – if you’re not pulling hard – so long as it stops the curtain at the top it’s enough.
(for the sake of readers I’ll stop here, because this is very boring, and pick up after the good DR has finished explaining the way another useless invention of his is clearly superior and simpler than other, existing, useless products - ed)
Anyway, she looked at me like I was an idiot (pause) and I looked at her like she was an idiot, which M saw, and the woman actually said to me “You’re looking at me like I’m an idiot, have I missed something.” And M said, “Oh, no, no, he does that sometimes...” and she was all polite, but of course I was looking at her like she was an idiot cause I don’t understand it: This is your job, your job is to go round to people’s houses and fit curtains, this is not a great mental leap - that you can use something else, apart from the hideous thing you use all the time, to retain a curtain.
HUTCHBACK
Mm-hm.
DR. NOSTRUM
It just annoys me: all shit like that. But (pause) I was being a cunt.
HUTCHBACK
You were being a cunt.
DR. NOSTRUM
And I didn’t mean to be, I just was trying to say something simple, but the way I do it, and this is, again, M points out, I have a way of doing it that makes people think I am (pause) looking.. that I think very little of them.
HUTCHBACK
Which is probably true.
DR. NOSTRUM
Which is true. And that’s a problem,
HUTCHBACK
You see?
DR. NOSTRUM
But, it’s a great problem.
HUTCHBACK
You see, you have to mask...
DR. NOSTRUM
I have to learn how to not have a face...
HUTCHBACK
...(with a Jedi like pace) masking your feelings, (and back to normal) you see, this all goes back to (pause) bloody Paloma Picasso. It’s her fault.
DR. NOSTRUM
Is it?
HUTCHBACK
I blame her. I’d blame her for everything in fact – telling you, at a very impressionable age – that you should always be honest...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yes, and I’ve been honest ever since.
HUTCHBACK
...and you’ve been honest ever since and...
DR. NOSTRUM
And look where it’s got me...
HUTCHBACK
...it doesn’t get you anywhere.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, it gets you up to the point where the people who don’t like it don’t help you. (pause) I’m trying to learn and I’m improving, but my face betrays me, that’s the trouble, I’ve got a face that betrays me...
HUTCHBACK
Mm-hmm
DR. NOSTRUM
...even if my voice is silky sweet and smooth I look at people in a certain way and they instantly know that I’m lying, (pause) and that I think they’re a cunt. (HUTCHBACK begins to snigger at this misfortune) And it’s begun to leach into my personal life (pause) and that’s a great problem. Ahh!
HUTCHBACK
Oh dear.
DR. NOSTRUM
It’s just not, you know, and the other thing is it’s not true, it’s just momentary.. It’s momentary annoyance, you know, it’s momentary annoyance that someone doesn’t see the world the way I see it, whereas of course (pause) no-one sees the world the way I see it (pause) all the time. So what can you do? Ahh! (pause) Exasperation. It’s a life of exasperation. Living with idiots, you know, living and working with idiots I every aspect of your life except when it doesn’t happen and the biggest idiot (pause) is the one that can’t accept it (pause) Tony Adams – there’s a fucking idiot. He got a book out of it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
