DR. NOSTRUM
If it was funny it would be interesting...
HUTCHBACK
No, the thing is, I wasn't about to say anything nasty.
DR. NOSTRUM
Like, for example, a wedding speech in reality, rather than on film where the best man eulogises about the size of the groom's shit is a reasonably amusing concept.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, the size, volume and quantity.
DR. NOSTRUM
As a good thing in a prospective husband is, you know, for the parents in law, not what you want to hear, but, it stays with them.
HUTCHBACK
You've got to be able to pinch out a good length, basically.
DR. NOSTRUM
(pause) I wish you could pinch it out. That would be good if you could pinch it off at the length required, (pause) like sausages. Not that you can.
HUTCHBACK
If you had a very muscular...
DR. NOSTRUM
Anus.
HUTCHBACK
...arsehole.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. Well, maybe some people can do that, I don't know, I suppose they can?
HUTCHBACK
Surely it depends on the consistency...
DR. NOSTRUM
Tantric shitters probably can.
HUTCHBACK
No, if it's a very soft turd you probably could.
DR. NOSTRUM
I would have thought it'd have to have a reasonable consistency to be able to do it.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
But tantric shitters probably can...
HUTCHBACK
I think you're looking for, like, the Goldilocks of shit...
DR. NOSTRUM
Goldilocks?
HUTCHBACK
...not too hard, not too soft. Not too hot, not too cold.
DR. NOSTRUM
Goldilocks? What, was she hot or cold?
HUTCHBACK
No! Cos she...
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, the bed?
HUTCHBACK
...liked it just right didn't she?
DR. NOSTRUM
Did she? Oh, (pause) is that what the tale was basically.. an analogy about?
HUTCHBACK
I'm not entirely...
DR. NOSTRUM
Probably was.
HUTCHBACK
...sure if it was an analogy for Coprophilia, for Goldilocks. I was just using it as a metaphor. Cos she liked her porridge not too hot, not too cold, but just right, so you could say...
DR. NOSTRUM
It is an analogous fairytale actually. I never really saw that before. Not just Coprophilia, but sex, probably sex. It's probably about sex. (pause) Which is why the bears all get in bed. They get into bed and...
HUTCHBACK
You know, daddy's too big, baby's...
DR. NOSTRUM
...too small. So she was.. It's a lesbian...
HUTCHBACK
It's a.. She's a.. Basically, it's a lesbian analogy.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yes
HUTCHBACK
Not just lesbian. Bestial.
DR. NOSTRUM
A bestial, lesbian, coprophiliac analogy.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
That's the thesis.
HUTCHBACK
Although the coprophilia is a bit of a strain, literally, it's a bit of a push. It's a bit of a leap.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, well, we got there from the wrong thing, but...
HUTCHBACK
All I meant was...
DR. NOSTRUM
To do it
HUTCHBACK
...in order to use your arse muscles to properly pinch off half way through a turd it has to be the righ.. Cos obviously, too loose and there's nothing to pinch, it would obviously come out in a long stream. Too hard and you'd never get through it.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well it's never that hard. How hard does a turd have to be that you can't chop through it? I mean how many turds can't you chop through for God's sake? It's not like we shit bones or anything.
HUTCHBACK
No, but you know, sometimes those very dark, peaty ones. Those kind of dense...
DR. NOSTRUM
But they're never so hard.. presumably, a turd is never too hard for an anus to chop through it? I don't think that's possible. I don't think that's possible, otherwise if you couldn't follow through you'd be walking around with that turd sticking out your arse (pause) unless you pulled it out with your hand. Anyway, it's not that interesting to me – about shit.
HUTCHBACK
Well, no, this is the basis for all comedy, surely, talking about shit?
DR. NOSTRUM
Well I'm not a fan of toilet humour, but, the idea of tantric shitting – I can imagine there probably are people who have such control over their guts that can..
HUTCHBACK
..shit out animal shapes.
DR. NOSTRUM
(pause) Well, you'd have to have a very wide anus to do that, but, you know...
HUTCHBACK
Well, you know, as long as the animals are reasonably symmetrical.
DR. NOSTRUM
Most animals are symmetrical. (thinks) What animals aren't symmetrical?
HUTCHBACK
Well, beyond a snake, obviously, that doesn't require much, but no, that would be a talent.
DR. NOSTRUM
(still pursuing the unknown) All animals are symmetrical.
HUTCHBACK
That would be a talent.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, it would be a talent. Can you imagine that on 'The Generation Game'? No, but I would say, if you did that, if you could pinch one off, you then, presumably, cause you've practiced, have the guts to pull what's left...
HUTCHBACK
Draw it back.
DR. NOSTRUM
...back up.
HUTCHBACK
Draw it back up to take more energy out of it.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, you draw it back up so you don't get a skid mark, that's the point. If someone could just do that...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
I think animals can do that can't they?
HUTCHBACK
Tantric, self cleaning anus.
DR. NOSTRUM
That animals...
HUTCHBACK
Animals can't do that! What are you talking about? Have you never seen a dog running around with...
DR. NOSTRUM
Turds falling out their arse.
HUTCHBACK
...turds dripping out of it's f..
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, but that's just cos they're not feeling well.
HUTCHBACK
No.
DR. NOSTRUM
They can do most of that on demand. You know, they can stop a shit.
HUTCHBACK
I don't think they can.
DR. NOSTRUM
You don't think so? (long pause) That's too much shit. How did we get there? Ah, yes, the wedding speech.
HUTCHBACK
It wasn't our fault, it was the wedding speech that did it.
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