Toy Piano music plays in the background. It's Wii Fitness: HUTCHBACK'S new obsession. DR NOSTRUM is gingerly standing on the Wii Fitness Board.
WII
Ok, before we get started, let's do a quick body test.
DR NOSTRUM
Ok. Yes, I've got a body. (to HUTCHBACK) Do they do them for disabled people?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, they take away the weight of the wheelchair.
DR. NOSTRUM
Enter my height.
HUTCHBACK
How high are you? 11?
DR. NOSTRUM
'Bout 10½
HUTCHBACK
Well, lets call you 11, just to make you feel better about you being alive.
DR. NOSTRUM
The year you were born?
HUTCHBACK
Sixty, Seventy?
DR. NOSTRUM
What relevance has that got? 69. Does that mean I've got a better body mass index if I was born in 1970?
HUTCHBACK
Mm. People were fatter back then. Right, you can step on it, no, no, don't pick up that coke can, that'll ruin the calculation. Right, start again.
DR. NOSTRUM
Me weighing myself?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
...that's entertainment, that is. (pause) Presumably anyone who's really, who's really interested in this would have to take all their clothes off?
HUTCHBACK
No, no, no. Cause you can
WII
How heavy is your clothing?
HUTCHBACK
... you see?
DR. NOSTRUM
What, do I have to take all my clothes off and it weighs that?
HUTCHBACK
No, no. Ok. Bend over, loosen your trousers and stay relaxed. (pause) Stop moving! It's scanning you.
WII
Done.
HUTCHBACK
O.k. here we go. Very good! 50.9% to the left. Do you dress to the left sir?
WII
Repeated use of your left hand can weaken your balance.
HUTCHBACK
Right. (pause – the Wii scans the DR some more) 11 stone 8! Very impressive! You're ideal. If only you were ideal in every other way. Ah..
WII
You are least likely to get sick.
HUTCHBACK
But more likely (pause) to be sick. Ok. "Basic balance test"
DR. NOSTRUM
Is this me practicing?
HUTCHBACK
Yes. No, you're doing it.
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, right.
HUTCHBACK
Ok. Right, now lean to the left.
DR. NOSTRUM
What?
HUTCHBACK
Lean to the left.
DR. NOSTRUM
What? (The DR. slavishly attempts to balance, but is consumed by an uncomfortable sense of having a deep joke played on him and the rest of the human race)
HUTCHBACK
Blew it!
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh dear.
HUTCHBACK
You blew it!
DR. NOSTRUM
Dear me. What a tragedy that is.
HUTCHBACK
It is.
DR. NOSTRUM
I think it's more a perceptual tragedy than, er...
HUTCHBACK
Than a genuine tragedy.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yes.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
So, okay, does that mean, what...
HUTCHBACK
That means...
DR. NOSTRUM
...I've failed? I can't balance?
HUTCHBACK
...you're a cunt, it means you're a cunt.
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, right.
WII
You don't have a goal.
DR. NOSTRUM
That's true, I know that.
HUTCHBACK
You're aimless. (he selects something new for the DR)
WII (now a woman)
Hi there!
HUTCHBACK
Hi there! The friendly female trainer; there's an upgrade where you get a really horrible angry female trainer.
WII
Let's work on improving your Body's balance.
DR. NOSTRUM
Thank you.
WII
To view me from the back, press up on the control panel.
DR. NOSTRUM
(to HUTCHBACK) She looks like she's talking Japanese doesn't she? (to WII) To what?
WII
To view me from the front, press down on the control pad.
DR. NOSTRUM
Eh?
HUTCHBACK
Just ignore it.
WII
Watching me from the front will make my movement easy to follow.
DR. NOSTRUM
So why would I watch you from the back.
HUTCHBACK
Cos she's got a nice arse.
DR. NOSTRUM
For fuck's sake, isn't there anything that doesn't involve balancing?
WII
Please feel free to support yourself on other people or objects if you don't feel stable.
DR. NOSTRUM
That's a good line actually. That's a very good lesson for life.
HUTCHBACK
Mm. On Other people, objects or substances.
WII
...Raise your left leg so you are standing on one leg. Bring your left leg back and your left arm up...
HUTCHBACK
No, you have to lift the knee up. You're doing a sort of Bruce Forsyth come Superman.
WII
Keep your body steady and swing your arm and leg. (HUTCHBACK starts laughing as the DR wobbles precariously) Your leg's shaking slightly.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yes, that's true. My leg's shaking slightly that's cos I'm 46...
HUTCHBACK
...Darlin'. (pause) She's got very, kind of tight, but inoffensive breasts.
WII
Great Job! Keep it up.
HUTCHBACK
I'd keep it up her.
WII
Now...
HUTCHBACK
Don't be a lazy cunt.
WII
Well done!
DR. NOSTRUM
Christ! I went from Casualty to Body Builder in 30 seconds. Now that's progress! What's beyond Body Builder?
HUTCHBACK
Um, Superhero?
DR. NOSTRUM
Superhero?
HUTCHBACK
I've, I've got a hundred on the press-ups.
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, press-ups? (the DR chooses to have a go) Does it measure your balance on your press ups?
HUTCHBACK
Uh, don't know. Can't really see the screen.
DR. NOSTRUM
Ok. (begins doing Wii press-ups as opposed to regular press-ups – shortly after, the Wii plays a little fanfare as the DR gets 100)
HUTCHBACK
Oh you Bastard! You've pushed me down to second place!
DR. NOSTRUM
Ah. Well, erase me. Just erase me from the whole thing.
HUTCHBACK
Nah, it's alright. I'll just change my name to AAAHUTCHBACK.
DR. NOSTRUM
M would quite like.. (realises the prospect of her being told she's older than she wants to be) Well, I don't know if she would like it - similar annoyances. (Burps hugely) Ooh. Pardon me. God Bless!
HUTCHBACK
It's been teaching me how to do yoga. A machine is teaching me how to do yoga. (As I write HUTCHBACK is laid up, having put his back out doing the excellent yoga under the all seeing eye of the YogamaharishWii)
DR. NOSTRUM
Ok, well, look, this is all very interesting, but...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
...it's not really a life, is it?
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