All Talk 52 - American Inventor's Next Winner and Hutchback solves America's gas dependency

DR. NOSTRUM

Well, this is what I was thinking, the guy walks in to American Inventor – “Who Are You?” and, er, what did I call him, er, Burt Flahruum, it doesn’t matter, some schmuck...

HUTCHBACK

A schlemiel I think, he should be.

DR. NOSTRUM

And he’s carrying a bag of dog shit in one hand and, right...

HUTCHBACK

A bag of dog shit.

DR. NOSTRUM

No, but this is the sketch, he’s carrying a bag of dog shit in one hand, he’s carrying sort of longish tube, with a few wires on it and lights and things like that in the other hand...

HUTCHBACK

Mm

DR. NOSTRUM
...now, this is what I thought it would be. “Who are you and what’s your invention?” and the guy’s like, “Oh, well, it’s easier if I show you.” and he sort of clumsily balances the tube on one knee..

HUTCHBACK

No, I think you’ve got it wrong.

DR. NOSTRUM

What, what bit?

HUTCHBACK

No, no, re-start that. No, he just comes in with the machine...

DR. NOSTRUM

Yeah

HUTCHBACK

...ok, he comes in with the machine..

DR. NOSTRUM

No, but the way the show works..

HUTCHBACK

No. Wait, wait! This is better, (pause) he comes in with the machine... (the DR knows where HUTCHBACK is going)

DR. NOSTRUM

He takes a shit. Yeah, I’m there, I got there ahead of you, but I thought, there was another way round that, but ok, if you could put that on as a sketch; he drops his trousers and he takes a shit, after he’s introduced.. But, I actually feel..

HUTCHBACK

In fact, it’s better if he doesn’t come in with the machine at first, he gets..

DR. NOSTRUM

Maybe he just puts it somewhere?

HUTCHBACK

No, no, he just comes in, and then..

DR. NOSTRUM

“Who are you?”

HUTCHBACK

Yeah, “Who are you?” “I’ve got this invention.”

DR. NOSTRUM

He drops his trousers..

HUTCHBACK

He drops his.. no, he puts a piece of paper on the floor...

DR. NOSTRUM

Yeah.

HUTCHBACK

Drops his trousers and does a shit on the paper. And they’re just sitting there dumbfounded...

DR. NOSTRUM

Yeah.

HUTCHBACK

And he’s “oh, sorry, sorry, forgot..” and he goes out and brings in this machine...

DR. NOSTRUM

Ok

HUTCHBACK

So, “Oh, I can understand that might look a bit strange.” And he gets up, gets the machine and brings it in and then he says, “Now, watch this.” and he pours the shit in.. he picks up the piece of paper..

DR. NOSTRUM

He makes a U out of the thing, carefully, balancing the machine on his leg...

HUTCHBACK

Yeah

DR. NOSTRUM

...carefully makes a U out of the piece of paper, pours the shit in, then you have a cut, flashing lights on the tube and then out drops a...

TOGETHER

...bar of gold...

DR. NOSTRUM

...right, so that was the thing...

HUTCHBACK

Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM

...that was the sketch. Now, now I sat.. No, no, no..

HUTCHBACK

And that’s comedy!

DR. NOSTRUM

No, that wasn’t the end...

HUTCHBACK

No.

DR. NOSTRUM

...that’s not the end of the sketch.

HUTCHBACK

No, that’s not the end.

DR. NOSTRUM

I’d sanitised it by saying, you know, he’s holding a dog shit, or, “My dog’s outside, it did this earlier.” So you can sanitise it for BBC or whatever.

HUTCHBACK

Yeah

DR. NOSTRUM

Or any actor that doesn’t want to take a shit on the floor, but, um, admittedly you may, you know...

HUTCHBACK

There aren’t that..

DR. NOSTRUM

...to audition that you’d have to go for...

HUTCHBACK

Well, you know, you just say...

DR. NOSTRUM

...coprophiliacs, er, porn..

HUTCHBACK

...eat a big lunch and don’t go to the toilet before the audition.

DR. NOSTRUM

I suppose you could just cut.. you could cut. But anyway, I just thought..

HUTCHBACK

You do it with special effects, you can do anything with special effects...

DR. NOSTRUM

Anyway, so...

HUTCHBACK

If you can animate Godzilla, they can make a shit come out of someone’s arse.

DR. NOSTRUM

Anyway, he slides the shit into the tube, flashing lights, and out drops a bar of gold and I thought the thing, I don’t know how you’d do this but thing.. you know the panel of four in American Inventor they’ve got, um, Stan Croce, Peter Jones, er, currently they’ve got, er...

HUTCHBACK

And Simon Cowell.

DR. NOSTRUM

No, he’s not, no, no, no...

HUTCHBACK

Oh alright, but you could have him.

DR. NOSTRUM

No, no, they’ve got a good guy anyway – George Foreman..

HUTCHBACK

George Fore..? George Formby?

DR. NOSTRUM

...Foreman and, oh, er, some woman, right?

HUTCHBACK

Some woman! Some plump bird, some twonk!

DR. NOSTRUM

Right?

HUTCHBACK

Some Bird!

HUTCHBACK

But, basically, Peter Jones, so he’s leaning in; “That’s very interesting. So,” um, er, “what do you plan to do with it?” No, cause this is, I thought the quiz is, I thought they quiz him about the prospects, you know, and what his financial projections are and things like this, and he’s.. and the guy who invented it is, “Well, I dunno.” You know, “I dunno, I just.. I don’t know what to do with it, I just thought it was a good idea.” And then, Tim Croce, er, what’s his name, Stan Croce says, um, I think it’s Tim Croce..

HUTCHBACK

(with American Inventor accent) “I can’t see the point of that.”

DR. NOSTRUM

No, you see.. well, that, but; “It’s ridiculous, cause if you turn shit into gold, you instantly de-value gold to the level of shit so no-one will be interested in it.” But George Foreman; “Well, I disagree. Americans love gold, it’s shiny,” and this sort of thing “and I think it’ll be a great success!” And then the guy says, “Well, I suppose I could tweak it to make diamonds.” And Croce says, “Well, it’s the same principle. Whatever you turn shit into is instantly only as valuable as shit so there’s no prospects for the machine” (pause) So they pass on it.

HUTCHBACK

Ah, but if you could turn shit into petrol, well, that’s fantastic.

DR. NOSTRUM

Ok, well, if you can do that. Maybe they can give him development money.

HUTCHBACK

That’s not bad, that’s actually a good invention I’ve just come up with there.

DR. NOSTRUM

Well I think someone’s doing that aren’t they? Don’t they do that anyway?

HUTCHBACK

No, I don’t think so.

DR. NOSTRUM

But anyway..

HUTCHBACK

I’ve just invented something! I’ve got to get on that American Inventor! I should get on that show, turning shit into petrol.

DR. NOSTRUM

Well that is.. like that guy.. cos really, really, all you need to do, you go there with a drawing. I mean I couldn’t believe that, it’s so patronizing to everybody – some guy, just cos he’s deaf, he can come in with a drawing of something that doesn’t exist and they say “That’s Fantastic!” “What a great idea that is!”..

HUTCHBACK

And what was it?

DR. NOSTRUM

Well, it was a thing that when people would talk an LED matrix would show what they were saying, but he didn’t invent anything, he just came up with the idea and he drew it and the only descriptive thing on the drawing was an arrow pointed to the machine saying “Comfortable handles for holding” that was the only information that was in any way technical on this board, you know, that was his invention. So you know, and he had tears in his eyes and they thought, “oh, this is a wonderful idea.” and you know..

HUTCHBACK

Did they give him the money?

DR. NOSTRUM

And that’s what made me think, you know, you could go on there with any idea...

HUTCHBACK

Shit into gold.

DR. NOSTRUM

...you just draw it on a piece of paper. Shit into gold. It’s good, it’s funnier than shit into petrol. Shit into petrol is useful, but shit into gold is funny.

HUTCHBACK

Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM

That’s the lesson of comedy.

HUTCHBACK

No, but I’m not saying this for the comedy, I’m gonna go and bloody..

DR. NOSTRUM

Work on it.

HUTCHBACK

Tell them. Yeah I’m gonna work on it..

DR. NOSTRUM

You’ve got to save all your shit.

HUTCHBACK

I’m gonna profit fr.. I’m gonna work on it.

DR. NOSTRUM

You’ll tell Mrs. Hutchback “Sweetheart, I want you to shit in this bucket.

HUTCHBACK

Shit in a cup and save it.

DR. NOSTRUM

Meanwhile.

HUTCHBACK

Can you imagine the development process for that? It’d be very, kind of, tiring and very unpleasant.

DR. NOSTRUM

The next inventor comes, a frumpy ginger haired woman comes in with a..

HUTCHBACK

How about a guy who turns gold into shit? That’d be just as incredible, but not as good.

DR. NOSTRUM

Well, at least you could use it for something, horse manure. You could use it for growing plants or something. But, um, woman comes in, small box with a big red button on it, stands there, pushes the button – disappears. Rematerializes behind them and they’re like ‘Oh, this is your invention?” “Yes”. She’s invented teleportation, she’s got no prospects, no idea how to use it – pass on it. Someone comes in, he feeds rubbish into a chute, lightbulb comes on – free energy, but in fact he’s surpassed that, because if there’s no connection between the supply and the bulb, that’s the best you can do..

HUTCHBACK

Oh, well (grumbles discontentment at this premise)

DR. NOSTRUM

..so someone’s invented that, they do that – not interested. Then, you know, 50 year old teacher, he’s spent 20 years in a cupboard working on a lint roller that picks up cat hair from velvet, and that’s the one they go for.

HUTCHBACK

Yeah