DR. NOSTRUM
I did enjoy those pictures of people sleeping inside cardboard boxes inside Terminal 5, I thought that was quite funny.
HUTCHBACK
Hmm.
DR. NOSTRUM
Great British.. There was a thing about Great British opening disasters and the best one that I read about was, um, I think, the opening of the line that linked, er, Wigan to Liverpool with Robert Louis Stephenson's Engine and, er, at the opening it ran over the Local MP and killed him. (pause) You don't get much of that these days do you – opening day disasters where important people are killed? I can't think of the last one really. What was the last one (pause) – Gordon Kaye nearly got k.. he's not important. There was a thing on the radio about them dubbing, um, 'Allo 'Allo into German – German TV have bought 'Allo 'Allo. God, that says a lot about German TV doesn't it? 25 years after it was broadcast German TV have finally bought it.
HUTCHBACK
Why?
DR. NOSTRUM
80 other countries bought it; I can't understand it. Can you imagine the PR firm who must've.. they must be the best PR firm in the world, whoever sold 'Allo 'Allo to 80 countries.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, well...
DR. NOSTRUM
I can't imagine it makes sense in many other languages really.
HUTCHBACK
I'm sure it would, they dub it.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah I know they dub it, but...
HUTCHBACK
Well?
DR. NOSTRUM
That's what that friend of Will Son Of Will does, doesn't he? He's a dub vocalist.
HUTCHBACK
Um... (pause)
DR. NOSTRUM
D'you remember?
HUTCHBACK
They'd do an even better job if they could sell Freddie Starr to the German's. You know, Freddie Starr's Comedy Hour?
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, he might turn up in one of Tarantino's films or something. No, you know where he'll end up; he'll end up on Eastenders.
HUTCHBACK
With Bobby Davro.
DR. NOSTRUM
Maybe that'll be the Graveyard for, er.. Can you imagine Freddie Starr turning up and having a fight with...
HUTCHBACK
Russ Abbott.
DR. NOSTRUM
Russ Abbott? What's happened to Russ Abbott, didn't he die, or something?
HUTCHBACK
No, did he?
DR. NOSTRUM
Just.. only career wise. Bruce Forsyth? No, he's got a career going still. Hale and Pace? What happened to.. weren't they on Extras?
HUTCHBACK
Yes.
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh yeah, they were – Hale and Pace. All those people line up – there's an endless number of people line up to be humiliated aren't there, people who haven't got careers? Like Rebecca Loos – that was great – I couldn't think of humiliating someone more, unless she'd been fucked by the pig instead of wanking it off. They probably thought of that – is there any way we can construct it so she can be fucked by the pig – she probably would have done it too, for a million dollars.
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