HUTCHBACK
Oh, here we go. (HUTCHBACK brandishes a leaflet recently shoved through the portcullis – it has two comparative pictures of white and non-white street scenes – more of this later)
DR. NOSTRUM
What's this, the secrets of Gosky Borough? Oh, the BNP!
HUTCHBACK
The BNP, yes.
DR. NOSTRUM
Is that them at the bottom?
HUTCHBACK
What do you mean is that them at the bottom! It's a load of angry..
DR. NOSTRUM
That's great, what a good picture! I think that's quite an improvement, I mean look at the ugly mugs on the women at the top there.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
At least they've got the good grace to...
TOGETHER
...cover themselves up.
DR. NOSTRUM
...so we don't have to look at their ugly mugs.
HUTCHBACK
And look, that's The Great British V Sign there.
DR. NOSTRUM
I like that, it is a very good picture. I don't understand, so are they proposing that this is worse, or better?
HUTCHBACK
Of course it's worse!
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, it's not worse is it!
HUTCHBACK
No, of course they're saying it's worse.
DR. NOSTRUM
But to me, at the bottom you've got less people...
HUTCHBACK
Ye-uh.
DR. NOSTRUM
...so that is a great improvement.
HUTCHBACK
It is a great improvement, you've got more..
DR. NOSTRUM
You've got less people
HUTCHBACK
...there are more cars.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, you've got less people standing around with rubbish. (The DR. finally remembers the listener) We're jus.. Just to describe the, er, BNP Londoner – Putting London First, there's a before and after shot and the before shot is, um, a black and white which looks like the, probably the V.E. day party or something like that, with people standing around in black and white, with a lot of crap on tables...
HUTCHBACK
Although...
DR. NOSTRUM
...No men, there's no men...
HUTCHBACK
Mm.
DR. NOSTRUM
There's a lot of women and children...
HUTCHBACK
...and there's a big pile of fruit - although one of the girls appears to be wearing a fez.
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh yeah. (he studies it) Maybe it's a plant pot.
HUTCHBACK
Maybe so, but there's a distinct Islamic influence going on there, nonetheless.
DR. NOSTRUM
Anyway there's bunting, flags, er, miserable houses, lots of people and some of them are smiling. There are a lot of them, some of them look pissed off. And at the bottom there's a picture of some, presumably muslim, women, or BNP members dressed up as muslim women wearing the full.. the full gear, er, looking at the camera taking the picture and one of them's giving The Great British V Sign, but there's only 4 of them so I think this is quite good actually. What you've done is; you've reduced the number of people, you've invented colour and, er, you don't have to look at their faces...
HUTCHBACK
And you're re-invigorating The Great British V Sign.
DR. NOSTRUM
That's right, you've managed to keep one thing going. (pause, thinks) But, I mean, that's not a great deal.. that's not a lot
worse, really, it's just different people.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, no, but, no.. it.. It's not a lot worse...
DR. NOSTRUM
...as an image.
HUTCHBACK
...objectively speaking, but, if you hate Asians, then it is a lot worse.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, you don't know they're Asians...
HUTCHBACK
Yes you do.
DR. NOSTRUM
...it's just the clothing.
HUTCHBACK
No, skin colour.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, maybe. So, anyway, what do they..
HUTCHBACK
They have chosen two particularly ugly women.
DR. NOSTRUM
You can't tell.
HUTCHBACK
You can tell.
DR. NOSTRUM
(scrutinizing the picture) One of them looks like a bloke – even under the full gear.
HUTCHBACK
You can definitely tell.
DR. NOSTRUM
I think it is a bloke. I reckon that's a bloke.
HUTCHBACK
Not only a bloke, but a wrestler.
DR. NOSTRUM
No – what's their crime? Their crime is that they're different to us isn't it?
HUTCHBACK
Their crime is; their skin is a slightly darker colour.
DR. NOSTRUM
And they don't speak English as well as..
HUTCHBACK
"People like you are voting British National Party."
DR. NOSTRUM
Where does it say that?
HUTCHBACK
We have a quote here from Ballerina Simone Clarke...
DR. NOSTRUM
That assumes a lot, doesn't it? "People like you are voting BNP"
HUTCHBACK
...Ballerina Simone Clarke, actually standing in Kenwood...
DR. NOSTRUM
Where's this?
HUTCHBACK
...It looks like she's in Kenwood.
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, I thought her first name was Ballerina.
HUTCHBACK
Ballerina. Is that Kenwood?
DR. NOSTRUM
You really, really wouldn't want your picture in one of these would you?
HUTCHBACK
No. "Immigration is out of control. There are already over 1 million illegal immigrants in London already and many more flood in each year. I'm voting BNP cos they're the only party who have the guts to speak out on the issues that count."
DR. NOSTRUM
(for those listening in print for the first time - irony alert folks) That's true, cos immigration isn't spoken about by anybody, is it, really. No-one talks about it.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, we should definitely, definitely vote BNP.
DR. NOSTRUM
She's got a suspiciously Jewish nose...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
...actually.
HUTCHBACK
Hmm.
DR. NOSTRUM
I wondered about this actually. On a completely non-funny point, well, a semi-non funny point; How far back do you go. I mean, what is British? How many people are they going to get rid of?
HUTCHBACK
Well, obviously they'll have to get rid of all the, um.. Everyone from William The Conqueror onwards...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, I mean I don't understand..
HUTCHBACK
..Which is the majority of the country.
DR. NOSTRUM
That's what I didn't really understand. Like, who.. Who is British?
HUTCHBACK
There'll be a few Scots and a few Welsh and a few Irish left.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, but they won't want Scots will.. Oh no, they're British.
HUTCHBACK
They were the ori.. more.. well...
DR. NOSTRUM
I suppose so. I kind of see them as the English National Party really.
HUTCHBACK
...you know.
DR. NOSTRUM
Do they like Scots?
HUTCHBACK
(not interested in that) So, interestingly enough, they are leading their campaign with – Not, "Kill All The Darkies" but...
DR. NOSTRUM
You know who that is?
HUTCHBACK
..."Get rid of the Congestion Charge."
DR. NOSTRUM
That...
HUTCHBACK
Very clever.
DR. NOSTRUM
That.. there's a bloke at the bottom here, who I think is Alan Titmarch, er, Titchmarsh, um, the gardener. It's Alan titchmarsh's face, but above it it says Bill De Ken Seger.
HUTCHBACK
It's not Alan Titchmarsh.
DR. NOSTRUM
Actually there is a picture of a young group of black kids, one of whom seems to be pointing a rifle at the person taking the picture, which seems a bit unlikely, but I suppose it's possible.
HUTCHBACK
I think it looks more like a submachine gun.
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh yeah, you know, one of them submachine guns. I wonder what they want.
HUTCHBACK
"We need to clamp down on gangs and make our streets safe again."
DR. NOSTRUM
That's fair enough.
HUTCHBACK
Fair enough.
DR. NOSTRUM
We don't need the BNP to do it...
HUTCHBACK
No
DR. NOSTRUM
...but that's fair enough.
HUTCHBACK
Mm.
DR. NOSTRUM
"We say no to immigration, because enough is enough, this country is full." You can tell that, because you can't move, you can't move for people. (beat) I don't get all this, why do people get so angry about this stuff? This is what the guy, you know, going back to the guy I was working with – I think there's this feeling that somehow, somehow this is the problem; That people who aren't us want to kill us.
HUTCHBACK
This is quite good – "How Labour plan to steal your vote. – Please do not post your postal vote."
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh.
HUTCHBACK
Doesn't it then stop being a postal vote, if you don't post it?
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh – "For information on how Labour supporters steal postal votes, call...
HUTCHBACK
For more information on how Labour supporters steal postal votes, post a letter to the following address.
DR. NOSTRUM
I wonder how much that costs. It doesn't say anywhere how much the phone call costs. 07527...
HUTCHBACK
Shall we donate?
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, I'll make a donation to the London BNP. (you can imagine what it might be)
HUTCHBACK
(back to the leaflet) "Warning, during this election you will probably receive nasty leaflets from the Labour party. These leaflets will be full of smears." That's quite unpleasant, that.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well how do they get them from the NHS. Clearly the NHS are not doing their job.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, that's where all the smears are going; they're going into the fucking Labour leaflets...
DR. NOSTRUM
No wonder..
HUTCHBACK
...and the Labour party are sending 'em out!
DR. NOSTRUM
No wonder people are getting cervical cancer.
HUTCHBACK
They're bloody being posted out to random fucking cunts.
DR. NOSTRUM
And they say the Government's not to blame.
HUTCHBACK
And they say Gordon Brown knows what he's doing.
DR. NOSTRUM
Not many people do say that actually.
HUTCHBACK
No, they don't. In fact, they say he has no idea what he's doing.
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