All Talk 50 - Saggy Pants Seniors, The Male Miniskirt

DAY 3 – June 2008

DR. NOSTRUM is opening a snack packet, and the sound of the bag rustling accompanies the first few stanzas.

HUTCHBACK

That would be quite good, a good rule in your life; if you were so narcissistic that you would only speak when you knew there was a microphone.. when there was a tape running. (puts on pompous voice) “Because what I have to say must be recorded.” Alright, I’ll try one of these. I think I did once...

DR. NOSTRUM

I think they’re very nice...

HUTCHBACK

...I think I quite liked them.

DR. NOSTRUM

...and very healthy.

HUTCHBACK

Healthy! Bollocks they’re healthy.

DR. NOSTRUM

Well, the reason I bought these is that it said ‘corn’ and not ‘potato’, so I thought “oh, that must be better than crisps.”

HUTCHBACK

Bollocks

DR. NOSTRUM

That’s why they put it! I reckon that’s why they put it; to get the health kick people.

HUTCHBACK

Nik-Naks are not targeted at, er, at yer health conscious.

DR. NOSTRUM

So why would they mention that they’re corn? Who cares?


HUTCHBACK

Right, so. Anyway.

DR. NOSTRUM

Fashion.

HUTCHBACK

Fashion.

DR. NOSTRUM

Fashion for the next Geriatrics. People who keep their fashion all their life are quite interesting.

HUTCHBACK

Mm. yeah, well (puts on ironic exposition cramming voice) I believe you were telling me just th.. only the other day.

DR. NOSTRUM

No. I wasn’t thinking about that. I was saying, do you know anybody that does that? Like, any friends of your parents who have a ‘style’

HUTCHBACK

No. They all just look like old people.

DR. NOSTRUM

Yeah. My mum’s friends too. Although I met this guy in Nashville.. There
are quite a few people in the music industry who keep some kind of look.

HUTCHBACK

I guess the closest you can get is..

DR. NOSTRUM

I reckon Bono will still be wearing those glasses when he’s in the old people’s home.

HUTCHBACK

Mm. Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM

Do you reckon he takes them off when he meets the Pope?

HUTCHBACK

Or maybe he has a special, religious.. A Holy Pair. No, but I do like.. I do like the, er..

DR. NOSTRUM

What, the trousers round the ankles look?

HUTCHBACK

Trousers round the ankles. Yeah. No, but. No, it’s an advance on trousers around.. sort of just hanging..

DR. NOSTRUM

Underneath the arse.

HUTCHBACK

Hanging below your bum. Saggy pants. It’s a bit like the mini skirt. In fact, it will become the male equivalent of the mini skirt. It’s that, it will get down to the knees first, just get down to the knees...

DR. NOSTRUM

I think they would have done it if it hadn’t been hard to walk.

HUTCHBACK

...then round the ankles, no, but maybe they’ll have, sort of, a customised pair of trousers.

DR. NOSTRUM

So they need some kind of knee cinches.

HUTCHBACK

Yeah, you need something.

DR. NOSTRUM

What, like a knee belt?

HUTCHBACK

Yeah. Like a knee belt. No, like a pair of bicycle clips just under the knee.

DR. NOSTRUM

Oh, okay, I see what you mean. You’d need them above the knee.

HUTCHBACK

Yeah, just above the knee, so it holds there, and then you can walk around.

DR. NOSTRUM

But you couldn’t run away.

HUTCHBACK

Couldn’t run away, but you could certainly walk around.

DR. NOSTRUM

Not good for running away.

HUTCHBACK

Yeah, and as we know, obviously, kids today need to do a lot of running away...

DR. NOSTRUM

Yep.

HUTCHBACK

...to avoid getting killed.

DR. NOSTRUM

Or caught.

HUTCHBACK

Or caught. Killed or caught.