All Talk 59 - Animals in Hardware

(they’re now walking down the street to the tool shop)

HUTCHBACK

Ok, so, here. She told me I can’t go in here. No. I need to buy a.. I need to buy a.. What does she want?

DR. NOSTRUM

Who?

HUTCHBACK

She. The wife. (mocking) Who? Who’s she? She wants to get some kind of.. oh, fuck, some kind of jar.

DR. NOSTRUM

Well, you can always ask in the shop. “I’d like some kind of jar.”

HUTCHBACK

A jar to put something into, but I can’t remember what, because...

DR. NOSTRUM

Flowers?

HUTCHBACK

No, cause we’ve already flour.. no, n, no, no, no, we’ve got a flour.. I need.. I said I’d buy her a cake tin, (pause) but she also wanted a jar.

DR. NOSTRUM

Pickles?

HUTCHBACK

No, to put stuff into.

DR. NOSTRUM

Get her a Mason jar.

HUTCHBACK

Well, yeah, I know, we’ve bought loads of them, but I don’t know what size to get if I don’t know what’s going in it, do I? I mean I might buy this small one and she goes “NO!” or, I might get a huge one and...

DR. NOSTRUM

(imitating) “NO!”

HUTCHBACK

...and it’s just for nuts.

(they walk a little further to the ironmonger, it’s an old fashioned shop with a sparse selection of tools in packs hanging on pegs on the wall – HUTCHBACK points to a lonely tool high up, out of reach)

Ah, you see, look, there it is! That’s just what I want!

DR. NOSTRUM

But do you want that, or do you want that?

HUTCHBACK

Huh?

DR. NOSTRUM

Those. The water pump pliers?

HUTCHBACK

Oh.

DR. NOSTRUM

More secure. Too big maybe, but if you get a smaller version of that, they’re better than those.

HUTCHBACK

And cheaper.

DR. NOSTRUM

Are they? Then they’re probably worse.

HUTCHBACK

No, cause those (his first choice) slip.

DR. NOSTRUM

But they don’t look like they’ve got them, so..

HUTCHBACK

You know what, I don’t think that’s going to work because it’s round. I need something that clamps. I need a monkey wrench!

DR. NOSTRUM

No, you just need an adjustable, er..

HUTCHBACK

I need a monkey wrench, yeah, the one that you can clip together.

DR. NOSTRUM

Well.. where did that come from, when do monkey’s..?

HUTCHBACK

I don’t know where it came from but it’s called a monkey wrench.

DR. NOSTRUM

Are you sure?

HUTCHBACK

Yes. It’s definitely called a monkey wrench. You know, cause monkey’s are very.. they’ve got flexible tails, haven’t they? They’re very pre-hensile.

DR. NOSTRUM

I’m not sure that’s what they are.

HUTCHBACK

Well shall I ask him for a monkey wrench and see what he brings out?

DR. NOSTRUM

What kind of monkey?

HUTCHBACK

(scouring the display) He doesn’t have a monkey wrench.

DR. NOSTRUM

A Rhesus monkey? An orangutan? That’s an ape.

(They move to the counter, where there’s a customer being served)

HUTCHBACK

Well, if it’s not up there he’s not going to have one is he? How about just getting those large pair of secuters?

DR. NOSTRUM

I’ve bought a few of those.

HUTCHBACK

Or an axe?

DR. NOSTRUM

Yep, I’ve bought an axe. I’ve bought most of the things on this wall actually.

HUTCHBACK

You could basically.. I mean, this is where serial killers come isn’t it?

DR. NOSTRUM

They could get better tools than this.

DR. NOSTRUM

No, but they wouldn’t go to a big store cos then they might be on cctv, they’d come to a small shop like this.

DR. NOSTRUM

You think?

HUTCHBACK

Yep. Hacksaw, axe, secuters. That’s all you need. (beat – The Ironmoger finishes with his suspiciously serial killer like customer and is ready for HUTCHBACK, who speaks very slowly fearing the man is of poor education) Do you have a monkey wrench?

IRONMONGER

Yes

HUTCHBACK

You do?

IRONMONGER

Yes.

HUTCHBACK

Is it what I think it is though? I’m asking for something and I don’t actually know if it’s the right thing.

IRONMONGER

Right.

HUTCHBACK

I need something to clamp onto a round.. thing.. to, like, er... (mimes clamping a wrench)

IRONMONGER

Yes.

HUTCHBACK

...to turn.

IRONMONGER

Okey-doke, I’ll pull out something from the back (he scuttles off)

HUTCHBACK

(to the DR.) See?

DR. NOSTRUM

Let’s see what he brings out.

HUTCHBACK

He’ll bring out a monkey holding a wrench.

DR. NOSTRUM

Maybe. Maybe that’s what it is.

HUTCHBACK

They are called monkey wrenches, I’m sure that’s what it is. Thing is, I’m buying this for a very specific purpose, will I ever need it again?

DR. NOSTRUM

Yeah, they’re very useful.

HUTCHBACK

You don’t even know what it is!

DR. NOSTRUM

No, but I know a clamping wrench is very useful. For all sorts of things.

HUTCHBACK

Mainly clamping type activities. Anything here take your fancy?

(the IRONMONGER returns)

IRONMONGER

Is that what you want?

HUTCHBACK

That is what I want! I don’t know if it’s big enough though, um, let me have a look. Ooh. How wide does it open? (the IRONMONGER shows him)

DR. NOSTRUM

No, it’s not big enough.

IRONMONGER

No, I’ll see if I’ve got bigger ones.

HUTCHBACK

Yeah

DR. NOSTRUM

(to IRONMONGER) Why are they called monkey wrenches?

HUTCHBACK

No one knows.

IRONMONGER

Well, these are mole grips actually. I mean.. yes...

HUTCHBACK

Oh, are they called mole grips? Well, Mole Grips!

IRONMONGER

...I think monkey wrenches are the waterproof ones.

HUTCHBACK

Oh, right.

IRONMONGER

I sell these all the time, I got 2 or 3 types. (he disappears again)

DR. NOSTRUM

That’s the logic behind it.

HUTCHBACK

Well, monkeys are more waterproof, typically, than moles.

DR. NOSTRUM

I don’t know.

HUTCHBACK

No, they would be! Moles and water don’t go together at all.

DR. NOSTRUM

A monkey wrench and mole grips. A parrot..?

HUTCHBACK

Parrot claw?

(a call comes from the back)

IRONMONGER

That’s the biggest one we’ve got at the moment.

HUTCHBACK

Oh. Ok.

IRONMONGER

Are there any hanging up?

HUTCHBACK

No, you’ve just got, um, normal, er wotsits. Alright then.

IRONMONGER

Sorry

HUTCHBACK

Alright, no worries.

IRONMONGER

Er, Thomas Brothers at the Archway, where the roundabout after Suicide Bridge is, try them.

HUTCHBACK

Alright then, thank you. (they leave and walk off at pace back towards the car) See!

DR. NOSTRUM

Yeah, I’m wracking my brain now, I’m trying to think what other implements there are.