HUTCHBACK
God help them. They seem to think
there's something there.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.
HUTCHBACK
Which, um...
DR. NOSTRUM
Well there is something there
HUTCHBACK
Well...
DR. NOSTRUM
It's not easy to forget.
They park the car
HUTCHBACK
(getting out the car)
No, it's not easy to forget. But
then (car door closes) nor is being
raped and murdered. Doesn't mean
it's something you, er, want to
happen to you.
DR. NOSTRUM
Not everyone gets raped and
murdered.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah. What I mean is...
DR. NOSTRUM
Only spiders. All spiders get raped
and murdered.
HUTCHBACK
Well, no...
DR. NOSTRUM
Male spiders get raped and
murdered.
HUTCHBACK
No, no, they just get murdered.
DR. NOSTRUM
Sort of like Logan's Run.
HUTCHBACK
I don't think they all get
murdered, some of them escape. I've
seen footage. Some of them escape.
DR. NOSTRUM
They try and escape?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, of course they try and
escape!
DR. NOSTRUM
I thought once they'd got their end
away they stay and wait to get
eaten.
HUTCHBACK
No, no, they try and get away.
That's why it's all very tentative.
They have entered Bee and Queue. Hutchback picks up a basket.
The Dr. is lagging behind, we cant' hear him clearly as we
follow Hutchback through the store.
DR. NOSTRUM
Right, you need some mole grips.
HUTCHBACK
You know what? I don't feel like I
can be bothered to ask someone
where the Mole Wrenches are... Mole
Grips. I know where they are,
that's the problem. Well, I know
where the tools are. (imitates
conversation with Bee and Queue
rep) "Where are the tools?" "Well,
mainly waiting in aisles trying to
avoid being... Where are the
tools?...
DR. NOSTRUM
They're in the aisles browsing
HUTCHBACK
...Yeah, they're serving customers
at the moment, sorry." Actually,
they've moved everything.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, it's called re-licensing,
when they move everything... er, no
it's not, it's called merchandising
not re-licensing.
HUTCHBACK
It's called being annoying. How
about just buying a random tool?
Just to add to your... Oh, here we
go. Look at that!
DR. NOSTRUM
See, they call them... (Adjustable
Wrenches)
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, but that's not a good name...
that isn't what... there's no self
respecting builder would... (The
Dr. is trying to examine them in
their packaging) You probably can't
pull them out.
DR. NOSTRUM
(opening and closing them)
No, 'm just seeing how wide it
opens.
HUTCHBACK
That's fine. That's absolutely
fine.
DR. NOSTRUM
There you go! (breaks the packaging
seal and opens them fully)
HUTCHBACK
Wow!
DR. NOSTRUM
(opening and closing the
wrench)
Imagine if your jaws could do that!
So you need that (throws them in
the basket)and you need Viakal.
HUTCHBACK
I don't need Viakal!
DR. NOSTRUM
You do need Viakal.
HUTCHBACK
I can... no, it'll come straight
off with that. But I'll get Viakal
anyway.
DR. NOSTRUM
(seeing another wrench)
Ooh, look, they've got a special...
HUTCHBACK
Special...
DR. NOSTRUM
...sale. Oh, no, for 36.99 (he
throws the sale wrench into the
basket Hutchback's carrying, and
moves to take away the wide mouthed
wrench, impatient as always,
Hutchback stops him)
HUTCHBACK
Wait, no, no, I haven't finished
looking at these things...
DR. NOSTRUM
No, it's good, you can either get
one...
HUTCHBACK
I'm enjoying looking at these
things.
DR. NOSTRUM
...you get one for 8.99 or you can
get 3 for 36.99
HUTCHBACK
I don't think they, um, it's not
36.99; that's the socket set.
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh. Oh, no, they've got...
HUTCHBACK
It'll be cheaper. (Looking at the
sale wrenches the Dr. picked) And
they're rubbish, these are really
crappy ones.
DR. NOSTRUM
It's the same product.
HUTCHBACK
It's not
DR. NOSTRUM
Just a little bit smaller.
HUTCHBACK
No, no, (comparing them with the
wide mouthed ones) the build
quality is better, look at the...
maybe it is? OK.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, it's the same thing.
HUTCHBACK
Well, I might want to get a
recognized brand name version.
Well... (looking at ever larger
tools) Look at these! Look at them.
DR. NOSTRUM
(mis-reads the partially
hidden label)
"The Bollocks" is that their name?
HUTCHBACK
(laughs)
"The Bollocks"
DR. NOSTRUM
(swivelling them around)
Oh, "Turbo-locks"
HUTCHBACK
(still laughing)
That would be a good brand name for
the (puts on Thug-gone-Hoxton
voice) ironic modern man - "The
Bollocks
Hutchback looks closer at the turbo-locks label, which does
spell "...bo-locks", the "tur" being hidden by the angle of
view.
HUTCHBACK (CONT'D)
"The Bollocks" (laughs a lot)
Someone should definitely do that
cos it's not offensive, it's not
really offensive, it would be quite
good "The Bollocks"
DR. NOSTRUM
(getting them for
Hutchback)
Well there you go then, get
these...
HUTCHBACK
No, no, I don't know if they're
exactly what I need, but they look
good...
DR. NOSTRUM
(looking at the packaging)
Look, it even shows you, see,
there, someone gripping something
round.
HUTCHBACK
"The Bollocks" I do actually feel
like I kind of want these now. I've
got tool envy. (studies them) I
reckon it's all flash though.
Underneath it's the same piece of
shit as the other one, it's just
got some rubber stuff around it,
but you know what, it'd be better
on the hands - the rubbery bit.
DR. NOSTRUM
(reads the packaging more)
10 inch, look at that, they're 10
inch!
HUTCHBACK
10 inch! (starts laughing)
DR. NOSTRUM
"10 inch Bollocks". I mean that's
what I read you see? That's why I
said it. (He holds the packet in a
way that it looks like it says "10
inch bo-locks" and Hutchback laughs
loudly)
HUTCHBACK
Hold on, there might be an even
better one? Just... Hold on, now
look at... Look at this thing!
(Holds up an absolutely enormous
all metal wrench)
DR. NOSTRUM
That is a wrench.
HUTCHBACK
Now, that! But look, that is
unbelievable!
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no...
HUTCHBACK
(reads) That's exactly what I need
a "Pipe Wrench"
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, is it?
HUTCHBACK
(impressed)
Yeah. That would be perfect.
However...
DR. NOSTRUM
They're getting more and more
expensive.
HUTCHBACK
They are, and also not as, um,
generally useful.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, (going back to "The Bollocks")
this things good, it's not that big
either, even though it's expensive.
(Comparing to the pipe wrench)
These get slippy... if you're
trying to do anything useful, these
get slippery.
HUTCHBACK
Exactly. OK. You know if you're
covered in sweat and grease and,
you know, you're all oiled up.
DR. NOSTRUM
(speaking as if he knows)
No, they do get slippy.
HUTCHBACK
I'm just seeing if there's anything
else I need.
DR. NOSTRUM
What did Mrs. Hutchback need?
The Hutchback has gone off to discover other things, not
listening.
HUTCHBACK
The thing is, Viakal is going to be
hard to find here isn't it?
DR. NOSTRUM
No.
They walk around looking, Hutchack looks in the basket again
HUTCHBACK
(laughs as he reads the
packaging again)
"Bo-lock" that really is
unbelievable, they must've... they
must've realized that would be a
problem.
The Hutchback has wandered off to find Viakal and we stay
with him, as he confides in the recording device.
HUTCHBACK (CONT'D)
(aside)
I'm on my own now, I can tell the
Dr. what I really think of him...
He's a cunt.
The Dr calls from another aisle
DR. NOSTRUM
You know it's over there by the...
HUTCHBACK
No, I just went round there to, cos
I had to tell the, er, say
something that you couldn't hear...
DR. NOSTRUM
OK. The asshole.
HUTCHBACK
...what I really thought of you.
(Clears his throat) No, this is...
they're not going to have... lights
and shit. Ah. Kettle. Yeah, Very
clever, very clever, Mr. Muscle,
here we go, Oven-Pride...
DR. NOSTRUM
Miss Olivia De Mussel.
HUTCHBACK
Miss De Mussel, OK. Viakal.
DR. NOSTRUM
Look at that, frozen lime and
vinegar spray. That's it, just get
one of those.
HUTCHBACK
Ah, but I want something that also
works for Kettles.
DR. NOSTRUM
Kettles?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh
HUTCHBACK
(sees what he needs, puts
it in the basket)
Scale-Away.
Dr. Nostrum takes the Scale-Away out of the basket and
replaces it with Viakal
HUTCHBACK (CONT'D)
No, no, but I need it for my
kettle!
DR. NOSTRUM
(referring to the using
Scale-Away to de-scale
the pipe)
But how are you going to put that
on...
HUTCHBACK
No! I need that for my kettle! I
don't want Viakal, why do i want
Viakal.
DR. NOSTRUM
Cos it's great.
HUTCHBACK
"It's just great, you should buy
it. You don't know what you're
missing". Alright, fucker, I'll buy
some Viakal.
DR. NOSTRUM
Have you got anyone that helps
clean the dungeon?
HUTCHBACK
No.
DR. NOSTRUM
Isn't there someone your mum sends
round once in a while?
HUTCHBACK
No? (mockingly) "Someone my mum
sends round once in a while"! I
think you're thinking of some
other...
DR. NOSTRUM
I seem to remember you saying...
HUTCHBACK
...some other pussy footed
hunchback.
DR. NOSTRUM
I seem to remember you saying you
had a cleaning lady from
somewhere...
HUTCHBACK
No.
DR. NOSTRUM
...that couldn't get a job
anywhere? Something like that?
HUTCHBACK
Oh, I think it was one of Mrs.
Hutchback's friend's Mum, but we
ne...
That would be too embarrassing,
and... no. Anyway, there's a
recession going on in case you
didn't know.
DR. NOSTRUM
No.
HUTCHBACK
Things like paying people to clean
your dungeon...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. Paying people to do things...
HUTCHBACK
... just cos you're too lazy...
DR. NOSTRUM
...that's old hat.
HUTCHBACK
You know paying people to do
things, that's what got us into the
trouble we're in in the first
place.
DR. NOSTRUM
Mm. (pause) Fortunately I've never
been involved in that kind of
trouble. (beat) Did you see that
thing I sent you, I thought it was
a good quote, the Dean Saunders
thing, I thought "I like that" that
he's been at, um, he's been at
"both ends"...
HUTCHBACK
(laughs)
"Both Ends... and I know which one
tastes better."
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.
HUTCHBACK
"Tastes better", did he say?
DR. NOSTRUM
Which tastes better, yeah. I
thought it was memorable.
They reach the line for the cashier and put the tools on the
conveyor. They are behind other customers.
HUTCHBACK
So...
DR. NOSTRUM
As far as the premise goes...
HUTCHBACK
(referring to the Bo
locks)
See, we got some comedy gold out of
this.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, there is, there's lots of
comedy gold here. Things. Things
that happen, things in stores, it
all there, all you need to do is
just walk out your front door and
the whole world just starts
presenting itself to you.
HUTCHBACK
You see for me this is more
enjoyable than sitting down writing
a TV show, but well...
DR. NOSTRUM
So, you do this and then... (beat)
Do you think ant of the names on
the badges are their real names?
HUTCHBACK
(sarcastically)
No, they just pick up a random
badge when they come into work in
the morning.
DR. NOSTRUM
I don't think they're people's real
names. (beat) Did you read the
story I wrote about the Vodaphone
store? In Camden.
HUTCHBACK
Yes
DR. NOSTRUM
It's amazing. Amazing experience.
HUTCHBACK
And what was this product you were
trying to buy...
DR. NOSTRUM
No, it was just a phone, but it was
the idea that... I went into a
Carphone Warehouse and asked "is
there any phone which I don't have
to make a call within 90 days and
it doesn't shut off, which
apparently they all do.
At the cashier now
CASHIER
That's nineteen pounds and fourteen
pence please, do you have a Bee and
Queue card?
HUTCHBACK
No.
DR. NOSTRUM
And the guy in the Carphone
Warehouse of course says No, oh,
you know what, Vodaphone do,
Vodaphone Passport, it's made for
people who go away and you don't
have to use it for like 8 months.
But we don't have any, go to
Vodaphone. So I went to the
Vodaphone store.
HUTCHBACK
Why do you want one?
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, when I go away I just want to
have some phone here that doesn't
cut itself off.
HUTCHBACK
Why don't you use...
DR. NOSTRUM
Pay as you go.
HUTCHBACK
Why don't you just cancel it and
get a new one when you come back.
CASHIER
Would you like a bag for that?
HUTCHBACK
(to the cashier)
Yes. (to the Dr.) I mean why don't
you get...
DR. NOSTRUM
Cos then I have to get a new number
every time.
HUTCHBACK
Oh, that's true.
DR. NOSTRUM
Anyway, so, um...
HUTCHBACK
(sarcastically again)
Why don't you pay someone to use
your phone once in a while?
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. Every 89 days.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah (to the cashier) thank you.
DR. NOSTRUM
(trying to get back to
telling the story)
Anyway, so, er, that's what it was
about, I was just saying, you know,
you know you go in...
HUTCHBACK
(trying to solve the
problem of the cell
phone)
Alright, why don't you just buy a
phone and just send a text message
once every 3 months?
They get back in the vehicle.
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, like I'm going to remember to
do that? Set an alarm to say "send
text message."
HUTCHBACK
Well...
DR. NOSTRUM
You know that doesn't happen, stuff
goes in a drawer and... Just a
pointless waste of money.
HUTCHBACK
Whereas having a phone that you
never use is not a pointless waste
of money?
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, it's... A pay as you go
contract is free if you don't use
it.
HUTCHBACK
Oh, right, OK.
DR. NOSTRUM
So this is what it's about, going
to the Vodaphone store, you know,
waiting... I love that, you take a
ticket, you get a wait time of zero
minutes and then as soon as, you
know someone comes out and says
"Oh, No-one's got a ticket", I say
"I've got a ticket" the wait time
goes up, whilst you're waiting it
goes up from zero minutes to 2
minutes though there's nobody in
the shop. That's the thing, that's
the sort of thing that can
definitely be in...
HUTCHBACK
Yes, that can be in the show.
DR. NOSTRUM
So you're waiting, the wait time
goes up and then eventually,
eventually the guy behind the
desk...
HUTCHBACK
The whole thing about taking
tickets...
DR. NOSTRUM
Well in a shop where there are
people waiting to serve you, that's
the point, there's no other
customers in the shop.
HUTCHBACK
No, but there's a lot of mileage
around the whole taking ticket
thing.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah... So I'm sitting waiting,
eventually my number comes up on
the board, there's a guy behind the
counter, he just looks at me, no
one else in the shop, I wave the
ticket, silence. So I said "Can I
get served?" He nods. Nothing
else...
HUTCHBACK
They're specially trained you
know...
DR. NOSTRUM
I know, so I said...
HUTCHBACK
...to behave like that.
DR. NOSTRUM
So I said, "Do I have to come over
there?" and he just goes (Imitates
the shop staff member opening his
hands in a surly gesture of
presenting his desk as ready for
service) like that, to the till,
you know, so I go over there - 5
paces - go over ther, stand in
front of him, I say "Do you have
Vodaphone Passport?" He says "No."
HUTCHBACK
Nope
DR. NOSTRUM
So I walk out. It doesn't exist,
there's no such thing as Vodaphone
Passport, this thing that the
Carphone Warehouse told me to get
at Vodaphone. So, it may exist, but
of course, who can be bothered to
actually find someone that knows
what they're talking about?
HUTCHBACK
A cab driver at the airport was
waxing lyrical about sesame seed
paste that he used to buy from this
very specific shop there. It was
very funny, very random.
DR. NOSTRUM
What did you do?
HUTCHBACK
We told him where we lived and then
he went on and on and on about
sesame seed paste (puts on deep
eastern block voice) Oh, I used to
make my own Hummus. He was one of
those taxi drivers that used to
have a real job. They're the
saddest ones, the ones, you know,
they used to be a Surveyor, now
he's driving a taxi, he obviously
wasn't a very good Surveyor then.
DR. NOSTRUM
Used to be an investment banker...
I love the idea of finding a job
for all these people (the bankers
who brought the world to it's
knees) in teaching, or local
authorities, (As if they should
ever be in responsible positions
again) telling them how to invest
their money.
Showing posts with label business. Show all posts
Showing posts with label business. Show all posts
Thursday, 21 October 2010
Thursday, 23 September 2010
All Talk 60 - It's Not Momentum
(the Doctor and Hutchback are out in the world, looking for monkey wrenches and plotting their future successes)
DR. NOSTRUM
We have to go to Lakeland to get
Bunny grips.
HUTCHBACK
(pulling DR. NOSTRUM out
of the shop)
Thank you. Bye. (On the street
HUTCHBACK praises the DR.) See,
you're learning as well.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, they do seem to be reasonably
oblivious.
HUTCHBACK
They're completely oblivious, they
don't know what's going on! They
think we actually want to buy Bunny
Grips!
DR. NOSTRUM
You've got to go to Lakeland
HUTCHBACK
I don't even know what Lakeland is,
it's this mystical land...
DR. NOSTRUM
It's an oxymoron isn't it?
HUTCHBACK
Well, yes. Lake-land. Well, no, the
land around the lake is still
land...
DR. NOSTRUM
Lake-land.
HUTCHBACK
...and a lake is on land, so that's
fine. (triumphantly) You're wrong.
DR. NOSTRUM
What it is, I think... well, I've
been there and what it's become in
the wide world is a place that
people say you go to, to get things
when they don't know what they are.
HUTCHBACK
(imitating the
proletariat)
Yeah, 'it's alright - Lakeland'.
(Thinks) Now, that would actually
be quite good, a place that
literally, not metaphorically,
literally sold everything: You go
there, you ask for something and
they've got it.
DR. NOSTRUM
Argos
HUTCHBACK
No. Argos doesn't sell everything.
The Doctor isn't convinced.
HUTCHBACK (CONT'D)
No, it doesn't.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, there are 2 concepts: One is,
a shop that everyone tells you to
go to that doesn't exist, at all...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, Oh yeah...
DR. NOSTRUM
...but everyone says you've got to
go to.
HUTCHBACK
(more imitation)
"Where is it? Oh, it's by the
Archway" "Which Archway?" "The
Archway"
DR. NOSTRUM
Well that's what I wondered when he
was talking (the Ironmonger of the
previous episode), which archway
are you talking about?
HUTCHBACK
Well, one would assume he meant
Archway the place.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, well he didn't qualify it for
me.
HUTCHBACK
He did qualify it and then he
described a bit of it that wasn't
really Archway.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, I don't know if you can get a
Monkey Wrench or a Mole Grip there?
HUTCHBACK
Or Bunny Grip?
DR. NOSTRUM
Or a Bunny Grip. Failing that, I
was trying to think, is there
anything else? (Pause) Is there
anything else, there must be a
Parrot-something? Parrot...
Parrots's nose?
HUTCHBACK
Parrot...
They get in the Hutchback's motor-carriage and drive off.
DR. NOSTRUM
I can see where Sacha Cohen gets
his ideas from, I just don't know
how he keeps a straight face?
HUTCHBACK
Yes. That's his comedy. It's all
based around keeping a straight
face.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah
HUTCHBACK
Sure. There's nothing more to it.
No jokes, just keep a straight
face. (Beat) OK. I don't think I
really want to go to Archway.
DR. NOSTRUM
I'm sure there is somewhere else
you can get, er, what you're
looking for...
HUTCHBACK
I mean you can't park.
DR. NOSTRUM
...and it might as well be a place
you can park.
HUTCHBACK
Yes.
DR. NOSTRUM
(distracted)
That's good.
HUTCHBACK
What?
DR. NOSTRUM
(looking at a totally
nondescript family car)
That car.
HUTCHBACK
Why
DR. NOSTRUM
I liked it.
HUTCHBACK
Why is it a good car?
DR. NOSTRUM
It looked useful.
HUTCHBACK
(trying to move on)
Erm...
DR. NOSTRUM
It looked like...
HUTCHBACK
It looked like you could just drive
it...
DR. NOSTRUM
Like it would get the job done...
HUTCHBACK
...and it would just go.
DR. NOSTRUM
...you could put things in it.
HUTCHBACK
(still trying to move on)
Erm...
DR. NOSTRUM
...and it's a good shape. (Pause)
Why don't you just go to Bee and
Queue...
HUTCHBACK
Oh. Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
...If you just drive for 15 minutes
in any direction you're bound to...
HUTCHBACK
No, I know where there's a Bee and
Queue, I just didn't particularly
want to go there, but I think I'm
going to have to.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yes, cos at least at Bee and Queue
you know what you'll get.
HUTCHBACK
We know we'll get treated like
shit! Yes.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, but you'll get... You don't get
treated at all, do you, you just
get what you want. You go in there
and you help yourself to what you
want. A little bit of what you
want...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, but then we don't get any
amusing interactions with the
locals.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, but er, I... It's not what I...
came out for.
HUTCHBACK
Ah, well you see.
DR. NOSTRUM
...it's alright, I enjoy the
diversion, but at the end of the
day, er, we've got to do some
work...
HUTCHBACK
This is work!
DR. NOSTRUM
...and... well, it is work, but
there's more work, which I no doubt
am going to have to do, which is
converting it for the masses, so
you know... that's one of the
things...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
So it's all very enjoyable, you put
it away, you lock it away in a
little space, I e-mail it to you
and you can just... delete it, and
we'll forget all about it.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. (Beat - back to the shopping)
They'll have Jim, er, I mean
they'll have Jar...
HUTCHBACK
Jim-Jar. I've got a Jim-Jar.
DR. NOSTRUM
(adamantly, looking at the
shops they are driving
past)
One of these places will sell...
HUTCHBACK
They won't sell...
DR. NOSTRUM
I'm sure...
HUTCHBACK
They won't sell Monkey Wrenches.
DR. NOSTRUM
There was a place here that had an
ironing board outside it once.
HUTCHBACK
That's not enough. OK, so let's
focus then...
DR. NOSTRUM
(The as yet unwritten TV
show on his mind)
No! I'm focusing... It's just
something I was thinking having
driven along this road, at some
point, I like the idea of the
place, L.A. New York, wherever, can
also be a place where you have
things that don't... you know, like
a body being wheeled down the road
on a gurney by a nurse.
HUTCHBACK
OK. That probably doesn't happen...
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, no, no. But it doesn't
happen... (sarcasm) Like it happens
a lot here? You know, so, er.
HUTCHBACK
It's more likely I would think...
Well, no, I suppose. "Body On
Gurney"
DR. NOSTRUM
Well it was under a cloth, so it
might not have been a body, but,
nevertheless... and it wasn't a
comedy medical student run, it was
just some bloke, you know.
HUTCHBACK
Unlikely that it's "some bloke"
pushing a dead body... You didn't
think to, like, stop him and ask
him what he was doing or anything?
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, why would I?
HUTCHBACK
(sarcastically)
Well, you know... why would you?
It's just a dead body.
DR. NOSTRUM
Um...
HUTCHBACK
There was a bloke carrying a large
sack with what looked like a body
in it...
DR. NOSTRUM
Well you wouldn't stop him and ask
him what he was doing, would you?
Really?
HUTCHBACK
Probably not. You'd probably call
the police.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yes.
HUTCHBACK
Erm, I wonder if people... That
would be quite a good experiment
wouldn't it?
DR. NOSTRUM
Just walk around with a big bag...
HUTCHBACK
Walk around with a big bag with
legs sticking out of it.
DR. NOSTRUM
And an arm. Actually I did see...
you remember er, (silence)
HUTCHBACK
Yeah?
DR. NOSTRUM
What was that? Something, Portrait
Of A Serial Killer name. Mike, or
whatever it was, it wasn't...
HUTCHBACK
Henry
DR. NOSTRUM
Henry, yes. So, er, there was, when
I was driving along, er, one of the
freeways in Nashville, there was
actually a bloke on the side of the
freeway with an enormous bag over
his shoulder, you know, literally a
huge bag, and he just put it down
and got in his car and drove off.
Don't know what he was doing,
but...
HUTCHBACK
Probably didn't have a dead body in
it.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, it was probably just junk,
but, you know...
HUTCHBACK
OK. So let's focus now.
DR. NOSTRUM
(back to the 'TV show')
So it can start with a guy just
looking out his window, saying
something like "They're all cunts
out there."
HUTCHBACK
(acting)
"They're all cunts out there!" Ah,
and it's the van, the Blue Van.
DR. NOSTRUM
Or, you know, you just open the
window, you know "What a cunt."
That's all
HUTCHBACK
So maybe... I don;t even think he
should live in L.A.
DR. NOSTRUM
Why?
Hutchback makes a face as if it were an unlikely scenario to
imagine.
DR. NOSTRUM (CONT'D)
Why? Why can't there be a place in
L.A you can do that? It's not
beyond the realm of possibility
that there is a street in L.A. you
can look out and there's something
parked outside on your street? That
can happen.
HUTCHBACK
OK, you know what?
DR. NOSTRUM
What?
HUTCHBACK
OK, so the reality... OK, it
doesn't matter, because it's not
the fact that you can't park, it's
the fact that it's in front of his
house that bother's him.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yes! It's the fact that it's in
front of his house, that's...
HUTCHBACK
That's what annoyed me. It wasn't
the fact that I couldn't park on
the road...
DR. NOSTRUM
No, I know that...
HUTCHBACK
Yes...
DR. NOSTRUM
...I know that...
HUTCHBACK
No, I'm just clarifying it for
myself.
DR. NOSTRUM
Clarifying your own life for
yourself.
HUTCHBACK
Clarifying my own life for myself.
That's why this character, i.e.
me...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yes, you do this character mostly,
it seems to be easier to base it on
things that happen to you, why not?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
OK?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Whereas the other character...
HUTCHBACK
But the guy in the Mental Asylum...
DR. NOSTRUM
...can be me.
HUTCHBACK
(highly amused)
...is much more likely to be you.
DR. NOSTRUM
Me. Alright, so that's fine, I'm
quite happy to split it like that.
And our other writer, Rat, can base
his experiences on someone who
knows what they're doing.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Like Green.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
So that seems a good split.
HUTCHBACK
Right.
DR. NOSTRUM
Plus the fact that whatshername,
who we should involve, is actually
in TV, which is great help
considering it's about TV.
HUTCHBACK
Oh, yeah, that's a good idea.
DR. NOSTRUM
You know, so... and, when you came
up with Green, she knows John
Frankenheimer, who this,
apparently, this is exactly what's
been happening to him... Is that he
was once this very serious... and
then no-one...
HUTCHBACK
He still makes films.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well he does, but no-one would give
him a job for years, he went
through this enormous crash where
he couldn't get a job, so...
HUTCHBACK
And he was doing MTV Base.
DR. NOSTRUM
So, she thought...
HUTCHBACK
(laughing)
Directing MTV
DR. NOSTRUM
So she thought you could base it on
him, cos she knows, you know, him,
personally and she knows his story
very well, so, it all, kind of,
gelled, you know?
HUTCHBACK
So, in other words, "We have some
momentum."
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, no, not really.
HUTCHBACK
No.
DR. NOSTRUM
I've had momentum before and this
isn't it.
DR. NOSTRUM
We have to go to Lakeland to get
Bunny grips.
HUTCHBACK
(pulling DR. NOSTRUM out
of the shop)
Thank you. Bye. (On the street
HUTCHBACK praises the DR.) See,
you're learning as well.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, they do seem to be reasonably
oblivious.
HUTCHBACK
They're completely oblivious, they
don't know what's going on! They
think we actually want to buy Bunny
Grips!
DR. NOSTRUM
You've got to go to Lakeland
HUTCHBACK
I don't even know what Lakeland is,
it's this mystical land...
DR. NOSTRUM
It's an oxymoron isn't it?
HUTCHBACK
Well, yes. Lake-land. Well, no, the
land around the lake is still
land...
DR. NOSTRUM
Lake-land.
HUTCHBACK
...and a lake is on land, so that's
fine. (triumphantly) You're wrong.
DR. NOSTRUM
What it is, I think... well, I've
been there and what it's become in
the wide world is a place that
people say you go to, to get things
when they don't know what they are.
HUTCHBACK
(imitating the
proletariat)
Yeah, 'it's alright - Lakeland'.
(Thinks) Now, that would actually
be quite good, a place that
literally, not metaphorically,
literally sold everything: You go
there, you ask for something and
they've got it.
DR. NOSTRUM
Argos
HUTCHBACK
No. Argos doesn't sell everything.
The Doctor isn't convinced.
HUTCHBACK (CONT'D)
No, it doesn't.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, there are 2 concepts: One is,
a shop that everyone tells you to
go to that doesn't exist, at all...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, Oh yeah...
DR. NOSTRUM
...but everyone says you've got to
go to.
HUTCHBACK
(more imitation)
"Where is it? Oh, it's by the
Archway" "Which Archway?" "The
Archway"
DR. NOSTRUM
Well that's what I wondered when he
was talking (the Ironmonger of the
previous episode), which archway
are you talking about?
HUTCHBACK
Well, one would assume he meant
Archway the place.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, well he didn't qualify it for
me.
HUTCHBACK
He did qualify it and then he
described a bit of it that wasn't
really Archway.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, I don't know if you can get a
Monkey Wrench or a Mole Grip there?
HUTCHBACK
Or Bunny Grip?
DR. NOSTRUM
Or a Bunny Grip. Failing that, I
was trying to think, is there
anything else? (Pause) Is there
anything else, there must be a
Parrot-something? Parrot...
Parrots's nose?
HUTCHBACK
Parrot...
They get in the Hutchback's motor-carriage and drive off.
DR. NOSTRUM
I can see where Sacha Cohen gets
his ideas from, I just don't know
how he keeps a straight face?
HUTCHBACK
Yes. That's his comedy. It's all
based around keeping a straight
face.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah
HUTCHBACK
Sure. There's nothing more to it.
No jokes, just keep a straight
face. (Beat) OK. I don't think I
really want to go to Archway.
DR. NOSTRUM
I'm sure there is somewhere else
you can get, er, what you're
looking for...
HUTCHBACK
I mean you can't park.
DR. NOSTRUM
...and it might as well be a place
you can park.
HUTCHBACK
Yes.
DR. NOSTRUM
(distracted)
That's good.
HUTCHBACK
What?
DR. NOSTRUM
(looking at a totally
nondescript family car)
That car.
HUTCHBACK
Why
DR. NOSTRUM
I liked it.
HUTCHBACK
Why is it a good car?
DR. NOSTRUM
It looked useful.
HUTCHBACK
(trying to move on)
Erm...
DR. NOSTRUM
It looked like...
HUTCHBACK
It looked like you could just drive
it...
DR. NOSTRUM
Like it would get the job done...
HUTCHBACK
...and it would just go.
DR. NOSTRUM
...you could put things in it.
HUTCHBACK
(still trying to move on)
Erm...
DR. NOSTRUM
...and it's a good shape. (Pause)
Why don't you just go to Bee and
Queue...
HUTCHBACK
Oh. Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
...If you just drive for 15 minutes
in any direction you're bound to...
HUTCHBACK
No, I know where there's a Bee and
Queue, I just didn't particularly
want to go there, but I think I'm
going to have to.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yes, cos at least at Bee and Queue
you know what you'll get.
HUTCHBACK
We know we'll get treated like
shit! Yes.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, but you'll get... You don't get
treated at all, do you, you just
get what you want. You go in there
and you help yourself to what you
want. A little bit of what you
want...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, but then we don't get any
amusing interactions with the
locals.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, but er, I... It's not what I...
came out for.
HUTCHBACK
Ah, well you see.
DR. NOSTRUM
...it's alright, I enjoy the
diversion, but at the end of the
day, er, we've got to do some
work...
HUTCHBACK
This is work!
DR. NOSTRUM
...and... well, it is work, but
there's more work, which I no doubt
am going to have to do, which is
converting it for the masses, so
you know... that's one of the
things...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
So it's all very enjoyable, you put
it away, you lock it away in a
little space, I e-mail it to you
and you can just... delete it, and
we'll forget all about it.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. (Beat - back to the shopping)
They'll have Jim, er, I mean
they'll have Jar...
HUTCHBACK
Jim-Jar. I've got a Jim-Jar.
DR. NOSTRUM
(adamantly, looking at the
shops they are driving
past)
One of these places will sell...
HUTCHBACK
They won't sell...
DR. NOSTRUM
I'm sure...
HUTCHBACK
They won't sell Monkey Wrenches.
DR. NOSTRUM
There was a place here that had an
ironing board outside it once.
HUTCHBACK
That's not enough. OK, so let's
focus then...
DR. NOSTRUM
(The as yet unwritten TV
show on his mind)
No! I'm focusing... It's just
something I was thinking having
driven along this road, at some
point, I like the idea of the
place, L.A. New York, wherever, can
also be a place where you have
things that don't... you know, like
a body being wheeled down the road
on a gurney by a nurse.
HUTCHBACK
OK. That probably doesn't happen...
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, no, no. But it doesn't
happen... (sarcasm) Like it happens
a lot here? You know, so, er.
HUTCHBACK
It's more likely I would think...
Well, no, I suppose. "Body On
Gurney"
DR. NOSTRUM
Well it was under a cloth, so it
might not have been a body, but,
nevertheless... and it wasn't a
comedy medical student run, it was
just some bloke, you know.
HUTCHBACK
Unlikely that it's "some bloke"
pushing a dead body... You didn't
think to, like, stop him and ask
him what he was doing or anything?
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, why would I?
HUTCHBACK
(sarcastically)
Well, you know... why would you?
It's just a dead body.
DR. NOSTRUM
Um...
HUTCHBACK
There was a bloke carrying a large
sack with what looked like a body
in it...
DR. NOSTRUM
Well you wouldn't stop him and ask
him what he was doing, would you?
Really?
HUTCHBACK
Probably not. You'd probably call
the police.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yes.
HUTCHBACK
Erm, I wonder if people... That
would be quite a good experiment
wouldn't it?
DR. NOSTRUM
Just walk around with a big bag...
HUTCHBACK
Walk around with a big bag with
legs sticking out of it.
DR. NOSTRUM
And an arm. Actually I did see...
you remember er, (silence)
HUTCHBACK
Yeah?
DR. NOSTRUM
What was that? Something, Portrait
Of A Serial Killer name. Mike, or
whatever it was, it wasn't...
HUTCHBACK
Henry
DR. NOSTRUM
Henry, yes. So, er, there was, when
I was driving along, er, one of the
freeways in Nashville, there was
actually a bloke on the side of the
freeway with an enormous bag over
his shoulder, you know, literally a
huge bag, and he just put it down
and got in his car and drove off.
Don't know what he was doing,
but...
HUTCHBACK
Probably didn't have a dead body in
it.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, it was probably just junk,
but, you know...
HUTCHBACK
OK. So let's focus now.
DR. NOSTRUM
(back to the 'TV show')
So it can start with a guy just
looking out his window, saying
something like "They're all cunts
out there."
HUTCHBACK
(acting)
"They're all cunts out there!" Ah,
and it's the van, the Blue Van.
DR. NOSTRUM
Or, you know, you just open the
window, you know "What a cunt."
That's all
HUTCHBACK
So maybe... I don;t even think he
should live in L.A.
DR. NOSTRUM
Why?
Hutchback makes a face as if it were an unlikely scenario to
imagine.
DR. NOSTRUM (CONT'D)
Why? Why can't there be a place in
L.A you can do that? It's not
beyond the realm of possibility
that there is a street in L.A. you
can look out and there's something
parked outside on your street? That
can happen.
HUTCHBACK
OK, you know what?
DR. NOSTRUM
What?
HUTCHBACK
OK, so the reality... OK, it
doesn't matter, because it's not
the fact that you can't park, it's
the fact that it's in front of his
house that bother's him.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yes! It's the fact that it's in
front of his house, that's...
HUTCHBACK
That's what annoyed me. It wasn't
the fact that I couldn't park on
the road...
DR. NOSTRUM
No, I know that...
HUTCHBACK
Yes...
DR. NOSTRUM
...I know that...
HUTCHBACK
No, I'm just clarifying it for
myself.
DR. NOSTRUM
Clarifying your own life for
yourself.
HUTCHBACK
Clarifying my own life for myself.
That's why this character, i.e.
me...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yes, you do this character mostly,
it seems to be easier to base it on
things that happen to you, why not?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
OK?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Whereas the other character...
HUTCHBACK
But the guy in the Mental Asylum...
DR. NOSTRUM
...can be me.
HUTCHBACK
(highly amused)
...is much more likely to be you.
DR. NOSTRUM
Me. Alright, so that's fine, I'm
quite happy to split it like that.
And our other writer, Rat, can base
his experiences on someone who
knows what they're doing.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Like Green.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
So that seems a good split.
HUTCHBACK
Right.
DR. NOSTRUM
Plus the fact that whatshername,
who we should involve, is actually
in TV, which is great help
considering it's about TV.
HUTCHBACK
Oh, yeah, that's a good idea.
DR. NOSTRUM
You know, so... and, when you came
up with Green, she knows John
Frankenheimer, who this,
apparently, this is exactly what's
been happening to him... Is that he
was once this very serious... and
then no-one...
HUTCHBACK
He still makes films.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well he does, but no-one would give
him a job for years, he went
through this enormous crash where
he couldn't get a job, so...
HUTCHBACK
And he was doing MTV Base.
DR. NOSTRUM
So, she thought...
HUTCHBACK
(laughing)
Directing MTV
DR. NOSTRUM
So she thought you could base it on
him, cos she knows, you know, him,
personally and she knows his story
very well, so, it all, kind of,
gelled, you know?
HUTCHBACK
So, in other words, "We have some
momentum."
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, no, not really.
HUTCHBACK
No.
DR. NOSTRUM
I've had momentum before and this
isn't it.
Monday, 9 February 2009
2009 Predictions Part 5 - Bankers' Prison Island
The Hutchback is not normally an angry man. Yes, he performs hideous acts of barbarism on a daily basis, but these are not done out of anger, merely boredom.
(off topic: yes that was a reference to the Golden Dawn on tonight's Eastenders, what next Aleister Crowley turns up and sacrifices Minty to the god Horus).
These Bankers (or as we should refer to them Banksters) are set fair for a good few billion in bonuses. This is surely the equivalent of giving a mugger a tip after he has kneed you in the testicles and stolen your watch, wallet, and mobile phone.
So my prediction is that by the end of the year the world community will have set up prison islands in the South Atlantic, and we will ship the whole festering lot of them off to these desolate windblown frozen hellholes.
They can then sub-prime eachother to their hearts content.
(off topic: yes that was a reference to the Golden Dawn on tonight's Eastenders, what next Aleister Crowley turns up and sacrifices Minty to the god Horus).
These Bankers (or as we should refer to them Banksters) are set fair for a good few billion in bonuses. This is surely the equivalent of giving a mugger a tip after he has kneed you in the testicles and stolen your watch, wallet, and mobile phone.
So my prediction is that by the end of the year the world community will have set up prison islands in the South Atlantic, and we will ship the whole festering lot of them off to these desolate windblown frozen hellholes.
They can then sub-prime eachother to their hearts content.
Sunday, 8 February 2009
All Talk 59 - Animals in Hardware
(they’re now walking down the street to the tool shop)
HUTCHBACK
Ok, so, here. She told me I can’t go in here. No. I need to buy a.. I need to buy a.. What does she want?
DR. NOSTRUM
Who?
HUTCHBACK
She. The wife. (mocking) Who? Who’s she? She wants to get some kind of.. oh, fuck, some kind of jar.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, you can always ask in the shop. “I’d like some kind of jar.”
HUTCHBACK
A jar to put something into, but I can’t remember what, because...
DR. NOSTRUM
Flowers?
HUTCHBACK
No, cause we’ve already flour.. no, n, no, no, no, we’ve got a flour.. I need.. I said I’d buy her a cake tin, (pause) but she also wanted a jar.
DR. NOSTRUM
Pickles?
HUTCHBACK
No, to put stuff into.
DR. NOSTRUM
Get her a Mason jar.
HUTCHBACK
Well, yeah, I know, we’ve bought loads of them, but I don’t know what size to get if I don’t know what’s going in it, do I? I mean I might buy this small one and she goes “NO!” or, I might get a huge one and...
DR. NOSTRUM
(imitating) “NO!”
HUTCHBACK
...and it’s just for nuts.
(they walk a little further to the ironmonger, it’s an old fashioned shop with a sparse selection of tools in packs hanging on pegs on the wall – HUTCHBACK points to a lonely tool high up, out of reach)
Ah, you see, look, there it is! That’s just what I want!
DR. NOSTRUM
But do you want that, or do you want that?
HUTCHBACK
Huh?
DR. NOSTRUM
Those. The water pump pliers?
HUTCHBACK
Oh.
DR. NOSTRUM
More secure. Too big maybe, but if you get a smaller version of that, they’re better than those.
HUTCHBACK
And cheaper.
DR. NOSTRUM
Are they? Then they’re probably worse.
HUTCHBACK
No, cause those (his first choice) slip.
DR. NOSTRUM
But they don’t look like they’ve got them, so..
HUTCHBACK
You know what, I don’t think that’s going to work because it’s round. I need something that clamps. I need a monkey wrench!
DR. NOSTRUM
No, you just need an adjustable, er..
HUTCHBACK
I need a monkey wrench, yeah, the one that you can clip together.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well.. where did that come from, when do monkey’s..?
HUTCHBACK
I don’t know where it came from but it’s called a monkey wrench.
DR. NOSTRUM
Are you sure?
HUTCHBACK
Yes. It’s definitely called a monkey wrench. You know, cause monkey’s are very.. they’ve got flexible tails, haven’t they? They’re very pre-hensile.
DR. NOSTRUM
I’m not sure that’s what they are.
HUTCHBACK
Well shall I ask him for a monkey wrench and see what he brings out?
DR. NOSTRUM
What kind of monkey?
HUTCHBACK
(scouring the display) He doesn’t have a monkey wrench.
DR. NOSTRUM
A Rhesus monkey? An orangutan? That’s an ape.
(They move to the counter, where there’s a customer being served)
HUTCHBACK
Well, if it’s not up there he’s not going to have one is he? How about just getting those large pair of secuters?
DR. NOSTRUM
I’ve bought a few of those.
HUTCHBACK
Or an axe?
DR. NOSTRUM
Yep, I’ve bought an axe. I’ve bought most of the things on this wall actually.
HUTCHBACK
You could basically.. I mean, this is where serial killers come isn’t it?
DR. NOSTRUM
They could get better tools than this.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, but they wouldn’t go to a big store cos then they might be on cctv, they’d come to a small shop like this.
DR. NOSTRUM
You think?
HUTCHBACK
Yep. Hacksaw, axe, secuters. That’s all you need. (beat – The Ironmoger finishes with his suspiciously serial killer like customer and is ready for HUTCHBACK, who speaks very slowly fearing the man is of poor education) Do you have a monkey wrench?
IRONMONGER
Yes
HUTCHBACK
You do?
IRONMONGER
Yes.
HUTCHBACK
Is it what I think it is though? I’m asking for something and I don’t actually know if it’s the right thing.
IRONMONGER
Right.
HUTCHBACK
I need something to clamp onto a round.. thing.. to, like, er... (mimes clamping a wrench)
IRONMONGER
Yes.
HUTCHBACK
...to turn.
IRONMONGER
Okey-doke, I’ll pull out something from the back (he scuttles off)
HUTCHBACK
(to the DR.) See?
DR. NOSTRUM
Let’s see what he brings out.
HUTCHBACK
He’ll bring out a monkey holding a wrench.
DR. NOSTRUM
Maybe. Maybe that’s what it is.
HUTCHBACK
They are called monkey wrenches, I’m sure that’s what it is. Thing is, I’m buying this for a very specific purpose, will I ever need it again?
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, they’re very useful.
HUTCHBACK
You don’t even know what it is!
DR. NOSTRUM
No, but I know a clamping wrench is very useful. For all sorts of things.
HUTCHBACK
Mainly clamping type activities. Anything here take your fancy?
(the IRONMONGER returns)
IRONMONGER
Is that what you want?
HUTCHBACK
That is what I want! I don’t know if it’s big enough though, um, let me have a look. Ooh. How wide does it open? (the IRONMONGER shows him)
DR. NOSTRUM
No, it’s not big enough.
IRONMONGER
No, I’ll see if I’ve got bigger ones.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
(to IRONMONGER) Why are they called monkey wrenches?
HUTCHBACK
No one knows.
IRONMONGER
Well, these are mole grips actually. I mean.. yes...
HUTCHBACK
Oh, are they called mole grips? Well, Mole Grips!
IRONMONGER
...I think monkey wrenches are the waterproof ones.
HUTCHBACK
Oh, right.
IRONMONGER
I sell these all the time, I got 2 or 3 types. (he disappears again)
DR. NOSTRUM
That’s the logic behind it.
HUTCHBACK
Well, monkeys are more waterproof, typically, than moles.
DR. NOSTRUM
I don’t know.
HUTCHBACK
No, they would be! Moles and water don’t go together at all.
DR. NOSTRUM
A monkey wrench and mole grips. A parrot..?
HUTCHBACK
Parrot claw?
(a call comes from the back)
IRONMONGER
That’s the biggest one we’ve got at the moment.
HUTCHBACK
Oh. Ok.
IRONMONGER
Are there any hanging up?
HUTCHBACK
No, you’ve just got, um, normal, er wotsits. Alright then.
IRONMONGER
Sorry
HUTCHBACK
Alright, no worries.
IRONMONGER
Er, Thomas Brothers at the Archway, where the roundabout after Suicide Bridge is, try them.
HUTCHBACK
Alright then, thank you. (they leave and walk off at pace back towards the car) See!
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, I’m wracking my brain now, I’m trying to think what other implements there are.
Saturday, 7 February 2009
All Talk 58 - Shopping at Warmongers via Will Self
SOME MONTHS PASS...
DR. NOSTRUM and HUTCHBACK have taken a break to write the second draft of their meisterwerk CELEBRITY AUSCHWITZ, but more of that later... As we drop in, The DR. is telling HUTCHBACK of a radio station he picked up by accident but could only find in an extremely small area of North London. It may have been Will Self on his CB.
HUTCHBACK
Is it aimed purely at Jews?
DR. NOSTRUM
I don’t know, I don’t think so.
HUTCHBACK
You could only pick it up between Swiss Cottage and Golders Green; The Hampstead, Swiss Cottage, Golders Green golden Jewish triangle.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, but I mean I tried to find it later, but all I could find was dance music.
HUTCHBACK
Well, search for it, search for it.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, maybe..
HUTCHBACK
Are you sure it was Will Self?
DR. NOSTRUM
No I'm not sure it's Will Self, but he was talking about.. and then..
HUTCHBACK
I mean there can’t be that many people that sound like Will Self.
DR. NOSTRUM
No… and that's what I thought and also.. also it was the manner of the speaking.. he was talking about (puts on Will Self voice and starts misquoting) "the Great Emblotchment of the 1920's was a scandal that reached worldwide" and then went on to tell a 10 minute story about the Great Emblotchment about how "and Emblotchment spread throughout the Universe and thus we all became Emblotched, it was started accidentally by William Pitt the Elder.”
HUTCHBACK
Ah
DR. NOSTRUM
It just seemed to be, er, (pause) him.
HUTCHBACK
Or someone pretending to be him.
DR. NOSTRUM
Someone pretending to be him. Which seems pointless
HUTCHBACK
Why pretend to be Will Self when you could pretend to be, you know, George Bush Senior?
DR. NOSTRUM
Are you recording?
HUTCHBACK
Yes, I’m recording. This is a recording.
(They leave the HUTCHBACK's lair, the hated Blue Van is parked just down the street a little)
HUTCHBACK
You see I’m so paranoid now about the Blue Van that I get nervous when I think, ‘Well, how long am I going for?’
DR. NOSTRUM
Thinking he’s going to move it back in.
HUTCHBACK
‘Will he be looking out of his window...
DR. NOSTRUM
Waiting for you.
HUTCHBACK
...waiting for his moment so he can reverse into my space and break down again. The cunt. The Great Emblotchment.
(They get onto the HUTCHBACK's Trap, the search for tools has begun)
HUTCHBACK
Should I go to a Corporate Megastore..
DR. NOSTRUM
No! It doesn’t matter, anywhere.
HUTCHBACK
No, no, I’m not asking you...
DR. NOSTRUM
Ok.
HUTCHBACK
...I’m debating it out loud...
DR. NOSTRUM
Well...
HUTCHBACK
...deciding whether to give my money to a Corporate Megastore..
DR. NOSTRUM
...don’t debate it out loud, just debate it internally and turn up somewhere.
HUTCHBACK
No, well, either I go left or.. oh, I’m going straight on. cos now this is more of a random drive, than an actual focused..
DR. NOSTRUM
What, are you just going to drive until you see a Bee and queue?
HUTCHBACK
No, no, I know where the Bee and Queue is..
DR. NOSTRUM
Well there’s one every 600 yards.
HUTCHBACK
Particularly on this stretch of road. No. You know what, I’m being an idiot there is a Tool shop just down the road.
DR. NOSTRUM
So you go in there and say “I need a tool.”
HUTCHBACK
I need a tool, can you help me? I’m missing a tool.
DR. NOSTRUM
And he brings out a row of, er, characters, from the back of the shop. (pause) So what..
HUTCHBACK
Along with one slightly, slightly used penis.
DR. NOSTRUM
What is the..
HUTCHBACK
Oh, that was quite good.. Oh, sorry, go on.
DR. NOSTRUM
What will this tool be used for?
HUTCHBACK
I just want a tool.
DR. NOSTRUM
That will both butter my toast and unscrew a light bulb.
HUTCHBACK
And make my wife love me, again. (pause) See, now I’ve forgotten what I was going to say, you see, that’s the problem.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, it’s not a problem, cos if it’s good enough it’ll come back.
HUTCHBACK
No, it isn’t good enough, it’s actually something I wanted to say.
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh (pause) something about tools? Something about a tool that you need?
HUTCHBACK
No. If I’d have interrupted your interruption I’d have been alright.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, but it can’t have been.. Nothing is important. (pause) Really.
HUTCHBACK
In the great words of Freddie Mercury.
DR. NOSTRUM
Is that what he said?
HUTCHBACK
(a near miss whilst driving) Ooooh!
DR. NOSTRUM
D’you ever have that opinion that Talk radio is just a lot of people’s opinions about stuff.
HUTCHBACK
I don’t think that’s so much an opinion as a statement of fact.
DR. NOSTRUM
It just seems that when I think about how they promote themselves and then they’ve got all these programmes relentlessly on where people call in and tell you what they think about things. It’s just, all they are is just a series of people calling up and telling you what they think about things, it’s just a waste of time.
HUTCHBACK
Mm.
DR. NOSTRUM
It’s really pointless. I mean the idea of broadcasting that... as if people calling you up and telling you what they’re thinking is worth broadcasting to the nation...
HUTCHBACK
It’s a public service.
DR. NOSTRUM
...It’s a crazy idea.
HUTCHBACK
It’s a public service.
DR. NOSTRUM
It seems that the chief quality required by the DJ is the ability to say, “I just need to hurry you up there.” (pause) Um, this is where I was driving down where I saw a guy wheeling a gurney with a body on it...
HUTCHBACK
Really
DR. NOSTRUM
...under a sheet, yeah.
HUTCHBACK
See, there you go, ‘Local Ironmongers’. You don’t see Ironmongers much anymore, do you?
DR. NOSTRUM
I don’t know how you monger iron anyway.
HUTCHBACK
(irate member of the public voice) “Stop mongering that iron, yer bastard! Didn’t anyone tell you it was rude?”
DR. NOSTRUM
I wonder what the difference between mongering iron and fish is? Not much.
HUTCHBACK
Yep
DR. NOSTRUM
It’s all in the display.
HUTCHBACK
(musing) Mongering.
DR. NOSTRUM
There aren’t many mongers. It’s not.. There’s no.. there’s no Greenmonger...
HUTCHBACK
Well no, but the.. the...
DR. NOSTRUM
They’re grocers.
HUTCHBACK
But then what does a Warmonger do?
DR. NOSTRUM
He lays all the wars out...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, puts out a nice bit of green baize, sort of a green artificial grass, erm, price’s it up, and um, and then you get, you get your...
DR. NOSTRUM
Dictators coming in buying ‘em up.
HUTCHBACK
And then you buy it by the pound.
DR. NOSTRUM
“How much is your 1914-18?”
HUTCHBACK
“How much is the, um, Crimea? Nice bit of Crimea.”
DR. NOSTRUM and HUTCHBACK have taken a break to write the second draft of their meisterwerk CELEBRITY AUSCHWITZ, but more of that later... As we drop in, The DR. is telling HUTCHBACK of a radio station he picked up by accident but could only find in an extremely small area of North London. It may have been Will Self on his CB.
HUTCHBACK
Is it aimed purely at Jews?
DR. NOSTRUM
I don’t know, I don’t think so.
HUTCHBACK
You could only pick it up between Swiss Cottage and Golders Green; The Hampstead, Swiss Cottage, Golders Green golden Jewish triangle.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, but I mean I tried to find it later, but all I could find was dance music.
HUTCHBACK
Well, search for it, search for it.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, maybe..
HUTCHBACK
Are you sure it was Will Self?
DR. NOSTRUM
No I'm not sure it's Will Self, but he was talking about.. and then..
HUTCHBACK
I mean there can’t be that many people that sound like Will Self.
DR. NOSTRUM
No… and that's what I thought and also.. also it was the manner of the speaking.. he was talking about (puts on Will Self voice and starts misquoting) "the Great Emblotchment of the 1920's was a scandal that reached worldwide" and then went on to tell a 10 minute story about the Great Emblotchment about how "and Emblotchment spread throughout the Universe and thus we all became Emblotched, it was started accidentally by William Pitt the Elder.”
HUTCHBACK
Ah
DR. NOSTRUM
It just seemed to be, er, (pause) him.
HUTCHBACK
Or someone pretending to be him.
DR. NOSTRUM
Someone pretending to be him. Which seems pointless
HUTCHBACK
Why pretend to be Will Self when you could pretend to be, you know, George Bush Senior?
DR. NOSTRUM
Are you recording?
HUTCHBACK
Yes, I’m recording. This is a recording.
(They leave the HUTCHBACK's lair, the hated Blue Van is parked just down the street a little)
HUTCHBACK
You see I’m so paranoid now about the Blue Van that I get nervous when I think, ‘Well, how long am I going for?’
DR. NOSTRUM
Thinking he’s going to move it back in.
HUTCHBACK
‘Will he be looking out of his window...
DR. NOSTRUM
Waiting for you.
HUTCHBACK
...waiting for his moment so he can reverse into my space and break down again. The cunt. The Great Emblotchment.
(They get onto the HUTCHBACK's Trap, the search for tools has begun)
HUTCHBACK
Should I go to a Corporate Megastore..
DR. NOSTRUM
No! It doesn’t matter, anywhere.
HUTCHBACK
No, no, I’m not asking you...
DR. NOSTRUM
Ok.
HUTCHBACK
...I’m debating it out loud...
DR. NOSTRUM
Well...
HUTCHBACK
...deciding whether to give my money to a Corporate Megastore..
DR. NOSTRUM
...don’t debate it out loud, just debate it internally and turn up somewhere.
HUTCHBACK
No, well, either I go left or.. oh, I’m going straight on. cos now this is more of a random drive, than an actual focused..
DR. NOSTRUM
What, are you just going to drive until you see a Bee and queue?
HUTCHBACK
No, no, I know where the Bee and Queue is..
DR. NOSTRUM
Well there’s one every 600 yards.
HUTCHBACK
Particularly on this stretch of road. No. You know what, I’m being an idiot there is a Tool shop just down the road.
DR. NOSTRUM
So you go in there and say “I need a tool.”
HUTCHBACK
I need a tool, can you help me? I’m missing a tool.
DR. NOSTRUM
And he brings out a row of, er, characters, from the back of the shop. (pause) So what..
HUTCHBACK
Along with one slightly, slightly used penis.
DR. NOSTRUM
What is the..
HUTCHBACK
Oh, that was quite good.. Oh, sorry, go on.
DR. NOSTRUM
What will this tool be used for?
HUTCHBACK
I just want a tool.
DR. NOSTRUM
That will both butter my toast and unscrew a light bulb.
HUTCHBACK
And make my wife love me, again. (pause) See, now I’ve forgotten what I was going to say, you see, that’s the problem.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, it’s not a problem, cos if it’s good enough it’ll come back.
HUTCHBACK
No, it isn’t good enough, it’s actually something I wanted to say.
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh (pause) something about tools? Something about a tool that you need?
HUTCHBACK
No. If I’d have interrupted your interruption I’d have been alright.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, but it can’t have been.. Nothing is important. (pause) Really.
HUTCHBACK
In the great words of Freddie Mercury.
DR. NOSTRUM
Is that what he said?
HUTCHBACK
(a near miss whilst driving) Ooooh!
DR. NOSTRUM
D’you ever have that opinion that Talk radio is just a lot of people’s opinions about stuff.
HUTCHBACK
I don’t think that’s so much an opinion as a statement of fact.
DR. NOSTRUM
It just seems that when I think about how they promote themselves and then they’ve got all these programmes relentlessly on where people call in and tell you what they think about things. It’s just, all they are is just a series of people calling up and telling you what they think about things, it’s just a waste of time.
HUTCHBACK
Mm.
DR. NOSTRUM
It’s really pointless. I mean the idea of broadcasting that... as if people calling you up and telling you what they’re thinking is worth broadcasting to the nation...
HUTCHBACK
It’s a public service.
DR. NOSTRUM
...It’s a crazy idea.
HUTCHBACK
It’s a public service.
DR. NOSTRUM
It seems that the chief quality required by the DJ is the ability to say, “I just need to hurry you up there.” (pause) Um, this is where I was driving down where I saw a guy wheeling a gurney with a body on it...
HUTCHBACK
Really
DR. NOSTRUM
...under a sheet, yeah.
HUTCHBACK
See, there you go, ‘Local Ironmongers’. You don’t see Ironmongers much anymore, do you?
DR. NOSTRUM
I don’t know how you monger iron anyway.
HUTCHBACK
(irate member of the public voice) “Stop mongering that iron, yer bastard! Didn’t anyone tell you it was rude?”
DR. NOSTRUM
I wonder what the difference between mongering iron and fish is? Not much.
HUTCHBACK
Yep
DR. NOSTRUM
It’s all in the display.
HUTCHBACK
(musing) Mongering.
DR. NOSTRUM
There aren’t many mongers. It’s not.. There’s no.. there’s no Greenmonger...
HUTCHBACK
Well no, but the.. the...
DR. NOSTRUM
They’re grocers.
HUTCHBACK
But then what does a Warmonger do?
DR. NOSTRUM
He lays all the wars out...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, puts out a nice bit of green baize, sort of a green artificial grass, erm, price’s it up, and um, and then you get, you get your...
DR. NOSTRUM
Dictators coming in buying ‘em up.
HUTCHBACK
And then you buy it by the pound.
DR. NOSTRUM
“How much is your 1914-18?”
HUTCHBACK
“How much is the, um, Crimea? Nice bit of Crimea.”
Thursday, 5 February 2009
Paris Hilton - Fast Food Fame
Paris's BBF, yet more aspirants munching on the quim of celebrity.
It's pretty much beyond reviewing to any purpose as a television show; Paris makes folks do things for her and then judges them whilst they shake and cry because of course her opinion defines their universe.
Dr. Nostrum can't help remembering the callous spoiled joy with which Nicole and her ruined a day's business for a random blue collar family one episode of The Simple Life. Yes, I'm sure they compensated them financially, yes, that was the show, no, it didn't matter.
There's no joy here, no point, purpose or permanence, and nothing positive that starts with any other letter of the alphabet either.
I know why it's on and I even think I know why it's popular. She is the living Celebrity Embodiment of Fast Food. The McDonalds of Reality TV. Everything you can think of about The Big Mac is true for Paris.
Paris Hilton. More famous than Paris France. What does that say about Google searches?
Be my BFF Paris! ;-) Everything you touch turns to gold.
(do you really think so?)
It's pretty much beyond reviewing to any purpose as a television show; Paris makes folks do things for her and then judges them whilst they shake and cry because of course her opinion defines their universe.
Dr. Nostrum can't help remembering the callous spoiled joy with which Nicole and her ruined a day's business for a random blue collar family one episode of The Simple Life. Yes, I'm sure they compensated them financially, yes, that was the show, no, it didn't matter.
There's no joy here, no point, purpose or permanence, and nothing positive that starts with any other letter of the alphabet either.
I know why it's on and I even think I know why it's popular. She is the living Celebrity Embodiment of Fast Food. The McDonalds of Reality TV. Everything you can think of about The Big Mac is true for Paris.
Paris Hilton. More famous than Paris France. What does that say about Google searches?
Be my BFF Paris! ;-) Everything you touch turns to gold.
(do you really think so?)
Saturday, 24 January 2009
All Talk 57 - 2009 Predictions - The Rise Of The Tramps
DR. NOSTRUM
I fear what most people will do is just roam the streets looking for food, in which case it’ll have been an advantage being a bin man cos you’d know where to look.
HUTCHBACK
So bin men will become the...
DR. NOSTRUM
The hunter-gatherers.
HUTCHBACK
...guru’s for the new age.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, no.
HUTCHBACK
They’ll be the wise..
DR. NOSTRUM
They’ll be just underneath Ray Mears.
HUTCHBACK
Alright, but they’ll be consulted, they’ll be able to charge..
DR. NOSTRUM
Now That..! No, wait a minute! That is one of the predictions that is reasonably obvious, is that people who forage will become leaders of the new age.
HUTCHBACK
Yes, absolutely.
DR. NOSTRUM
So your new age, you’re actually envisaging the Apocalypse, the complete breakdown...
TOGETHER
...of society...
DR. NOSTRUM
...So how do you make money out of it?
HUTCHBACK
...that’s a little bit extreme.. What do you mean how do you make money out of it?
DR. NOSTRUM
(poking fun at HUTCHBACK’s new catchphrase) Is it a business?
HUTCHBACK
Is it a business? I don’t.. I don’t th.. alright, it might happen but I don’t think so. I think what’s nore likely is that there are lots of people who lose their jobs, that’s clearly going to happen.. Make yourself another tea.
DR. NOSTRUM
Right, but if you could teach hunter-gatherer techniques to all these people who lose their jobs..
HUTCHBACK
Urban hunter-gatherer techniques, that would be a big boon.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, you could do it as a government scheme. For all the people who are out of work you send them on schemes...
HUTCHBACK
And you know who becomes...
DR. NOSTRUM
...to learn how to become Ray Mears.
HUTCHBACK
...No, you know who become the real figureheads, the CEO’s; Tramps. Tramps.
DR. NOSTRUM
Who’ve been doing it..
HUTCHBACK
They’ve been doing it for years! They know more than bin men. They definitely know more than bin men. So, suddenly, society gets inverted and the people at the top are Tramps.
DR. NOSTRUM
So this is our..
HUTCHBACK
So this is our second prediction: Takeover of the Tramps.
DR. NOSTRUM
Ok, we got there quicker this time. So prediction number two is that the world order is turned on its head and that Tramps become the leaders of the New Society.
HUTCHBACK
Because they have all the skills needed to survive the recession. The oncoming onslaught.
DR. NOSTRUM
Ok.
HUTCHBACK
And it’ll actually become a desirable career path for children who are growing up, you know, “Son, you really need to work hard on your foraging and your begging techniques..
DR. NOSTRUM
No, there’s no-one to beg from, so maybe it isn’t tramps?
HUTCHBACK
No, but foraging, they’ve got foraging down pat, oh yeah, rummaging through bins. Except no-one will have any rubbish...
DR. NOSTRUM
No, wait a minute...
HUTCHBACK
...there won’t be any rubbish any more, that’s the problem...
DR. NOSTRUM
...Maybe...
HUTCHBACK
...that’s where this thing falls apart...
DR. NOSTRUM
...but maybe, you know...
HUTCHBACK
...is that people won’t have anything to buy so they won’t have anything to throw away.
DR. NOSTRUM
...as a sideline to the prediction industry is the TV thing, which, is not, you know, Ray Mears Bushcraft, but, you know, Ray Mears...
TOGETHER
...Bincraft.
HUTCHBACK
Ray Mears Bincraft!
DR. NOSTRUM
And it wouldn’t be Ray Mears it would be..
HUTCHBACK
It would be, you know, Uncle Barney, or whoever...
DR. NOSTRUM
It’s a weekly TV series.
HUTCHBACK
Johnny Hull’s Bincraft.
DR. NOSTRUM
(recognising the name of the well known North of England Tramp of some repute from the dim past) There you go, Johnny Hull’s Bincraft. So even if we don’t have the correct prediction for society, we’ve got a potential television series.
HUTCHBACK
Tramp CEO’s, which actually is in the script come to think of it, but we’ve actually worked out how it could happen.
DR. NOSTRUM
No. Yeah, well, no.
HUTCHBACK
We now have a logical framework for Tramp CEO’s to exist, because before, it was just blind luck.
DR. NOSTRUM
Ok.
HUTCHBACK
Whereas now it’s perfectly logical.
DR. NOSTRUM
In this..
HUTCHBACK
In this future prediction, for there to be Tramp CEO’s.
DR. NOSTRUM
Donald Tramp.
HUTCHBACK
But what do they get paid in?
DR. NOSTRUM
Cardboard boxes.
HUTCHBACK
Cardboard boxes and rotting food.
DR. NOSTRUM
No. There’s no-one to pay them.
HUTCHBACK
No, no. They will get paid.
DR. NOSTRUM
By who?
HUTCHBACK
They’ll have..
DR. NOSTRUM
What do tramps earn?
HUTCHBACK
...they’ll have donations. They’re so important that all the under-tramps will donate some of their foraging. There, because they’re teaching them all the skills.
DR. NOSTRUM
Ok, well, as you pointed out, it’s mainly a post opalyptic, er..
HUTCHBACK
It’s post apocalyptic.
DR. NOSTRUM
...apocalyptic society.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah. So, you know, they give their..
DR. NOSTRUM
So the first prediction is the Apocalyse! (disappointedly) But lots of people have been predicting that. So, it’s not the Apocalypse, though, it’s just the re-distribution of wealth. (pause) Hmm. I think that maybe a more reasonable prediction for 2009...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, because that one is slightly unreasonable.
DR. NOSTRUM
...is that that becomes part of the curriculum.
HUTCHBACK
Tramp studies.
DR. NOSTRUM
Bincraft, I suppose.
HUTCHBACK
Bincraft
DR. NOSTRUM
Yes, Bincraft becomes part of the curriculum, as well as maths and English and all that. That seems alright for 2009, and then as it progresses...
(pause – The DR. is distracted by the sports ticker on the TV)
Sasa Papac. Sasa Papac. That’s good. He’s got an ‘a’ every other letter.
HUTCHBACK
Sasa Papac. Yes, good. It would be good if Sasa was his middle name and Asa was his first name.
I fear what most people will do is just roam the streets looking for food, in which case it’ll have been an advantage being a bin man cos you’d know where to look.
HUTCHBACK
So bin men will become the...
DR. NOSTRUM
The hunter-gatherers.
HUTCHBACK
...guru’s for the new age.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, no.
HUTCHBACK
They’ll be the wise..
DR. NOSTRUM
They’ll be just underneath Ray Mears.
HUTCHBACK
Alright, but they’ll be consulted, they’ll be able to charge..
DR. NOSTRUM
Now That..! No, wait a minute! That is one of the predictions that is reasonably obvious, is that people who forage will become leaders of the new age.
HUTCHBACK
Yes, absolutely.
DR. NOSTRUM
So your new age, you’re actually envisaging the Apocalypse, the complete breakdown...
TOGETHER
...of society...
DR. NOSTRUM
...So how do you make money out of it?
HUTCHBACK
...that’s a little bit extreme.. What do you mean how do you make money out of it?
DR. NOSTRUM
(poking fun at HUTCHBACK’s new catchphrase) Is it a business?
HUTCHBACK
Is it a business? I don’t.. I don’t th.. alright, it might happen but I don’t think so. I think what’s nore likely is that there are lots of people who lose their jobs, that’s clearly going to happen.. Make yourself another tea.
DR. NOSTRUM
Right, but if you could teach hunter-gatherer techniques to all these people who lose their jobs..
HUTCHBACK
Urban hunter-gatherer techniques, that would be a big boon.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, you could do it as a government scheme. For all the people who are out of work you send them on schemes...
HUTCHBACK
And you know who becomes...
DR. NOSTRUM
...to learn how to become Ray Mears.
HUTCHBACK
...No, you know who become the real figureheads, the CEO’s; Tramps. Tramps.
DR. NOSTRUM
Who’ve been doing it..
HUTCHBACK
They’ve been doing it for years! They know more than bin men. They definitely know more than bin men. So, suddenly, society gets inverted and the people at the top are Tramps.
DR. NOSTRUM
So this is our..
HUTCHBACK
So this is our second prediction: Takeover of the Tramps.
DR. NOSTRUM
Ok, we got there quicker this time. So prediction number two is that the world order is turned on its head and that Tramps become the leaders of the New Society.
HUTCHBACK
Because they have all the skills needed to survive the recession. The oncoming onslaught.
DR. NOSTRUM
Ok.
HUTCHBACK
And it’ll actually become a desirable career path for children who are growing up, you know, “Son, you really need to work hard on your foraging and your begging techniques..
DR. NOSTRUM
No, there’s no-one to beg from, so maybe it isn’t tramps?
HUTCHBACK
No, but foraging, they’ve got foraging down pat, oh yeah, rummaging through bins. Except no-one will have any rubbish...
DR. NOSTRUM
No, wait a minute...
HUTCHBACK
...there won’t be any rubbish any more, that’s the problem...
DR. NOSTRUM
...Maybe...
HUTCHBACK
...that’s where this thing falls apart...
DR. NOSTRUM
...but maybe, you know...
HUTCHBACK
...is that people won’t have anything to buy so they won’t have anything to throw away.
DR. NOSTRUM
...as a sideline to the prediction industry is the TV thing, which, is not, you know, Ray Mears Bushcraft, but, you know, Ray Mears...
TOGETHER
...Bincraft.
HUTCHBACK
Ray Mears Bincraft!
DR. NOSTRUM
And it wouldn’t be Ray Mears it would be..
HUTCHBACK
It would be, you know, Uncle Barney, or whoever...
DR. NOSTRUM
It’s a weekly TV series.
HUTCHBACK
Johnny Hull’s Bincraft.
DR. NOSTRUM
(recognising the name of the well known North of England Tramp of some repute from the dim past) There you go, Johnny Hull’s Bincraft. So even if we don’t have the correct prediction for society, we’ve got a potential television series.
HUTCHBACK
Tramp CEO’s, which actually is in the script come to think of it, but we’ve actually worked out how it could happen.
DR. NOSTRUM
No. Yeah, well, no.
HUTCHBACK
We now have a logical framework for Tramp CEO’s to exist, because before, it was just blind luck.
DR. NOSTRUM
Ok.
HUTCHBACK
Whereas now it’s perfectly logical.
DR. NOSTRUM
In this..
HUTCHBACK
In this future prediction, for there to be Tramp CEO’s.
DR. NOSTRUM
Donald Tramp.
HUTCHBACK
But what do they get paid in?
DR. NOSTRUM
Cardboard boxes.
HUTCHBACK
Cardboard boxes and rotting food.
DR. NOSTRUM
No. There’s no-one to pay them.
HUTCHBACK
No, no. They will get paid.
DR. NOSTRUM
By who?
HUTCHBACK
They’ll have..
DR. NOSTRUM
What do tramps earn?
HUTCHBACK
...they’ll have donations. They’re so important that all the under-tramps will donate some of their foraging. There, because they’re teaching them all the skills.
DR. NOSTRUM
Ok, well, as you pointed out, it’s mainly a post opalyptic, er..
HUTCHBACK
It’s post apocalyptic.
DR. NOSTRUM
...apocalyptic society.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah. So, you know, they give their..
DR. NOSTRUM
So the first prediction is the Apocalyse! (disappointedly) But lots of people have been predicting that. So, it’s not the Apocalypse, though, it’s just the re-distribution of wealth. (pause) Hmm. I think that maybe a more reasonable prediction for 2009...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, because that one is slightly unreasonable.
DR. NOSTRUM
...is that that becomes part of the curriculum.
HUTCHBACK
Tramp studies.
DR. NOSTRUM
Bincraft, I suppose.
HUTCHBACK
Bincraft
DR. NOSTRUM
Yes, Bincraft becomes part of the curriculum, as well as maths and English and all that. That seems alright for 2009, and then as it progresses...
(pause – The DR. is distracted by the sports ticker on the TV)
Sasa Papac. Sasa Papac. That’s good. He’s got an ‘a’ every other letter.
HUTCHBACK
Sasa Papac. Yes, good. It would be good if Sasa was his middle name and Asa was his first name.
Sunday, 18 January 2009
All Talk 53 - A Gap In The Murder Business
DR. NOSTRUM
So, your idea for a Dragon’s Den business is good, you know, murdering.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
I like it, he comes in with someone and he murders them, you know, he kills them, the panel say “Well, it’s very efficient, it’s quite good.” And he says “Well, I can do a lot of it.”
HUTCHBACK
Yeah “But what kind of annual turnover do you think you can get out of that?” “Well, I reckon I could charge 10 grand...”
DR. NOSTRUM
Mm
HUTCHBACK
“...10 grand’s a reasonable amount for a murder, depending on the, you know, er, the difficulty, maybe up to 30. I reckon I could do one a night, maybe two a night.”
DR. NOSTRUM
I like your two-fer, you know, 9 and you get the 10th one free.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, and then, “Yeah, we have a loyalty scheme. If someone has had me murder 9 people, you get the 10th one free.”
DR. NOSTRUM
Or if you do a family?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, “If you do a big family, we’ll...
DR. NOSTRUM
..throw in the Grandma
HUTCHBACK
...throw in the children.” Yeah, “throw in the Grandma.”
DR. NOSTRUM
We’ve got, er...
HUTCHBACK
“Maybe witnesses?”
DR. NOSTRUM
There’s that thing, you know, having watched the programme, one of the things the really don’t like is when they ask them weel, what is the money for? You know, they ask them to break down the money and he says “Well, you know I’d want 30 grand out of that for me..” and they hate that and they’re “So you want me to pay you, just to pay you to live? I’m not putting any money into the business...”
HUTCHBACK
What about the marketing?
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah all that, “I hate that selfishness in people, you want to take my money, my children’s money...” That fucking Theo Paphites, yeah, I’m sure he’s giving his children money every saying “This is your money that I’m not giving to people on Dragon’s Den.”
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, they’re saying “So you’re not putting any money into your equipment, you know, you’re starting off with a knife. How much volume can you get with that? Surely you want to be expanding your operation, going into machine guns...”
DR. NOSTRUM
Taking on apprentices.
HUTCHBACK
...yeah, “taking on staff...”
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, for the British market, those business ideas are good...
HUTCHBACK
“How are you going to franchise it? You need to franchise it out” We want to be able to get the hat, the bag...
DR. NOSTRUM
You know, the person that’s pitching, you’d pixilated their face. You’d do it properly. Re-animating dead people’s not a bad one.
HUTCHBACK
Hmm.
DR. NOSTRUM
It’s not a business idea though. Murdering’s a good business idea.
HUTCHBACK
It’s good.
DR. NOSTRUM
Assassins. It’s a business.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah. “But rather than just being a hired murderer, we’re intending to give a full service. 24 hour hotline...” you know all that.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.
HUTCHBACK
“Money back guarantee, service with a smile.”
DR. NOSTRUM
Mm.
HUTCHBACK
I reckon that would be quite a good business.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, I think it is a good business. Probably, it is a good business.
HUTCHBACK
Sure.
DR. NOSTRUM
What other businesses are there like that? Whore house I s’pose?
HUTCHBACK
Prostitution, yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Porn films?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well bringing someone on and murdering them’s a good pitch. “I enjoyed your presentation.”
HUTCHBACK
“It was a very arresting presentation.”
DR. NOSTRUM
“We like you as a person.”
HUTCHBACK
Yeah. “I’d hire you, but I don’t think your projections are in any way realistic. How you think you can value your business at 2 million pounds is beyond me. Go away, do your sums, kill a few more people, get a bit better at it...”
DR. NOSTRUM
Some publicity.
HUTCHBACK
“...get your advertising right, then come back.” “You’re telling me people aren’t just going to go out and murder their own victims, see, that’s where it all falls apart.”
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, “Why should they come to you?”
HUTCHBACK
“Why should they come to you? Surely any murderous thug would go out and kill their own victim?”
DR. NOSTRUM
Mm. It is cheaper. But there are pitfalls. So, you know, that’s probably one of the advantages of the business, if you can point out how you keep the identity of the client completely anonymous...
HUTCHBACK
Mm
DR. NOSTRUM
“Oh, no, it works, because we don’t know the identity of the client.” That probably would be a good idea, in terms of murdering, if you don’t know who’s asking you to kill someone. Why don’t they do that in films? That’s where it always falls down, that the murderer knows who it is who’s hired them.
HUTCHBACK
No, that isn’t where it falls down. It falls down because usually the person being murdered has some connection with the person doing the murdering.
DR. NOSTRUM
But, what if you set up a business for just random murders?
HUTCHBACK
Random murders?! Just go out and murder someone just for fun? Just for fun? Yeah, that would work, but, a bit pointless really. It’s like, basically, “Are you a homicidal maniac? Yes? To scared to do your own murder, then come to us. We’ll do it for you. We’ll kill a random person...
DR. NOSTRUM
That’s right.
HUTCHBACK
...and it will never get back to you. We’ll just send you the video”.
DR. NOSTRUM
That’s probably a business.
HUTCHBACK
And that’s your business.
DR. NOSTRUM
See, that’s an advance on Assassination and it’s quite current.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
You present it as a vicarious pleasure business.
HUTCHBACK
Mm. Mm.
DR. NOSTRUM
I’m not sure about posting the video to someone. I think you’d probably want to leave it. No, but they’d want to know you did it.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Otherwise you could just sit there with the money.
HUTCHBACK
No, you could just put it up on YouTube.
DR. NOSTRUM
YouTube? That’s alright.
HUTCHBACK
Perfect.
DR. NOSTRUM
And if you cut at the right moment, there’s nothing criminal about it.
HUTCHBACK
(witheringly) Except the person on the video then was found dead somewhere.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, but that’s alright. Well, no, I suppose it’s not alright.
HUTCHBACK
(mimicking) “That’s alright, we can get around that.” No, well, what you do then, is get some other random person to put the video up on YouTube, via another random person. So you’re just paying someone to pay someone to put a video up on YouTube. And they don’t know what the video’s of.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, but I remember Inspector Quantum saying that, apart from the most important thing in Homeland Security being the quality of the Airbed you’ve got, all that jealousy going on in Homeland Security about whether you’ve got a foot-pump or a compressor for you air bed..
HUTCHBACK
Well, it’s very important.
DR. NOSTRUM
It is very important, when you’re trying to keep peace in the world. It’s either terrifying or very reassuring to think that the people trying to kill us are the same as Inspector Quantum, I’m not sure which. Anyway, no, random murdering, he was saying that that is where it falls down, that mostly they know, people know the people they kill...
HUTCHBACK
Mm.
DR. NOSTRUM
...and it’s easier to catch them because of that. But if you don’t know who you’re hiring and you don’t know who they’re killing, that is not bad. That’s not a bad premise for a business.
HUTCHBACK
I think we’ve got a business there.
So, your idea for a Dragon’s Den business is good, you know, murdering.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
I like it, he comes in with someone and he murders them, you know, he kills them, the panel say “Well, it’s very efficient, it’s quite good.” And he says “Well, I can do a lot of it.”
HUTCHBACK
Yeah “But what kind of annual turnover do you think you can get out of that?” “Well, I reckon I could charge 10 grand...”
DR. NOSTRUM
Mm
HUTCHBACK
“...10 grand’s a reasonable amount for a murder, depending on the, you know, er, the difficulty, maybe up to 30. I reckon I could do one a night, maybe two a night.”
DR. NOSTRUM
I like your two-fer, you know, 9 and you get the 10th one free.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, and then, “Yeah, we have a loyalty scheme. If someone has had me murder 9 people, you get the 10th one free.”
DR. NOSTRUM
Or if you do a family?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, “If you do a big family, we’ll...
DR. NOSTRUM
..throw in the Grandma
HUTCHBACK
...throw in the children.” Yeah, “throw in the Grandma.”
DR. NOSTRUM
We’ve got, er...
HUTCHBACK
“Maybe witnesses?”
DR. NOSTRUM
There’s that thing, you know, having watched the programme, one of the things the really don’t like is when they ask them weel, what is the money for? You know, they ask them to break down the money and he says “Well, you know I’d want 30 grand out of that for me..” and they hate that and they’re “So you want me to pay you, just to pay you to live? I’m not putting any money into the business...”
HUTCHBACK
What about the marketing?
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah all that, “I hate that selfishness in people, you want to take my money, my children’s money...” That fucking Theo Paphites, yeah, I’m sure he’s giving his children money every saying “This is your money that I’m not giving to people on Dragon’s Den.”
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, they’re saying “So you’re not putting any money into your equipment, you know, you’re starting off with a knife. How much volume can you get with that? Surely you want to be expanding your operation, going into machine guns...”
DR. NOSTRUM
Taking on apprentices.
HUTCHBACK
...yeah, “taking on staff...”
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, for the British market, those business ideas are good...
HUTCHBACK
“How are you going to franchise it? You need to franchise it out” We want to be able to get the hat, the bag...
DR. NOSTRUM
You know, the person that’s pitching, you’d pixilated their face. You’d do it properly. Re-animating dead people’s not a bad one.
HUTCHBACK
Hmm.
DR. NOSTRUM
It’s not a business idea though. Murdering’s a good business idea.
HUTCHBACK
It’s good.
DR. NOSTRUM
Assassins. It’s a business.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah. “But rather than just being a hired murderer, we’re intending to give a full service. 24 hour hotline...” you know all that.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.
HUTCHBACK
“Money back guarantee, service with a smile.”
DR. NOSTRUM
Mm.
HUTCHBACK
I reckon that would be quite a good business.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, I think it is a good business. Probably, it is a good business.
HUTCHBACK
Sure.
DR. NOSTRUM
What other businesses are there like that? Whore house I s’pose?
HUTCHBACK
Prostitution, yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Porn films?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well bringing someone on and murdering them’s a good pitch. “I enjoyed your presentation.”
HUTCHBACK
“It was a very arresting presentation.”
DR. NOSTRUM
“We like you as a person.”
HUTCHBACK
Yeah. “I’d hire you, but I don’t think your projections are in any way realistic. How you think you can value your business at 2 million pounds is beyond me. Go away, do your sums, kill a few more people, get a bit better at it...”
DR. NOSTRUM
Some publicity.
HUTCHBACK
“...get your advertising right, then come back.” “You’re telling me people aren’t just going to go out and murder their own victims, see, that’s where it all falls apart.”
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, “Why should they come to you?”
HUTCHBACK
“Why should they come to you? Surely any murderous thug would go out and kill their own victim?”
DR. NOSTRUM
Mm. It is cheaper. But there are pitfalls. So, you know, that’s probably one of the advantages of the business, if you can point out how you keep the identity of the client completely anonymous...
HUTCHBACK
Mm
DR. NOSTRUM
“Oh, no, it works, because we don’t know the identity of the client.” That probably would be a good idea, in terms of murdering, if you don’t know who’s asking you to kill someone. Why don’t they do that in films? That’s where it always falls down, that the murderer knows who it is who’s hired them.
HUTCHBACK
No, that isn’t where it falls down. It falls down because usually the person being murdered has some connection with the person doing the murdering.
DR. NOSTRUM
But, what if you set up a business for just random murders?
HUTCHBACK
Random murders?! Just go out and murder someone just for fun? Just for fun? Yeah, that would work, but, a bit pointless really. It’s like, basically, “Are you a homicidal maniac? Yes? To scared to do your own murder, then come to us. We’ll do it for you. We’ll kill a random person...
DR. NOSTRUM
That’s right.
HUTCHBACK
...and it will never get back to you. We’ll just send you the video”.
DR. NOSTRUM
That’s probably a business.
HUTCHBACK
And that’s your business.
DR. NOSTRUM
See, that’s an advance on Assassination and it’s quite current.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
You present it as a vicarious pleasure business.
HUTCHBACK
Mm. Mm.
DR. NOSTRUM
I’m not sure about posting the video to someone. I think you’d probably want to leave it. No, but they’d want to know you did it.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Otherwise you could just sit there with the money.
HUTCHBACK
No, you could just put it up on YouTube.
DR. NOSTRUM
YouTube? That’s alright.
HUTCHBACK
Perfect.
DR. NOSTRUM
And if you cut at the right moment, there’s nothing criminal about it.
HUTCHBACK
(witheringly) Except the person on the video then was found dead somewhere.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, but that’s alright. Well, no, I suppose it’s not alright.
HUTCHBACK
(mimicking) “That’s alright, we can get around that.” No, well, what you do then, is get some other random person to put the video up on YouTube, via another random person. So you’re just paying someone to pay someone to put a video up on YouTube. And they don’t know what the video’s of.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, but I remember Inspector Quantum saying that, apart from the most important thing in Homeland Security being the quality of the Airbed you’ve got, all that jealousy going on in Homeland Security about whether you’ve got a foot-pump or a compressor for you air bed..
HUTCHBACK
Well, it’s very important.
DR. NOSTRUM
It is very important, when you’re trying to keep peace in the world. It’s either terrifying or very reassuring to think that the people trying to kill us are the same as Inspector Quantum, I’m not sure which. Anyway, no, random murdering, he was saying that that is where it falls down, that mostly they know, people know the people they kill...
HUTCHBACK
Mm.
DR. NOSTRUM
...and it’s easier to catch them because of that. But if you don’t know who you’re hiring and you don’t know who they’re killing, that is not bad. That’s not a bad premise for a business.
HUTCHBACK
I think we’ve got a business there.
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