All Talk 58 - Shopping at Warmongers via Will Self

SOME MONTHS PASS...

DR. NOSTRUM and HUTCHBACK have taken a break to write the second draft of their meisterwerk CELEBRITY AUSCHWITZ, but more of that later... As we drop in, The DR. is telling HUTCHBACK of a radio station he picked up by accident but could only find in an extremely small area of North London. It may have been Will Self on his CB.

HUTCHBACK

Is it aimed purely at Jews?

DR. NOSTRUM

I don’t know, I don’t think so.

HUTCHBACK

You could only pick it up between Swiss Cottage and Golders Green; The Hampstead, Swiss Cottage, Golders Green golden Jewish triangle.

DR. NOSTRUM

Yeah, but I mean I tried to find it later, but all I could find was dance music.

HUTCHBACK

Well, search for it, search for it.

DR. NOSTRUM

Well, maybe..

HUTCHBACK

Are you sure it was Will Self?

DR. NOSTRUM

No I'm not sure it's Will Self, but he was talking about.. and then..

HUTCHBACK

I mean there can’t be that many people that sound like Will Self.

DR. NOSTRUM

No… and that's what I thought and also.. also it was the manner of the speaking.. he was talking about (puts on Will Self voice and starts misquoting) "the Great Emblotchment of the 1920's was a scandal that reached worldwide" and then went on to tell a 10 minute story about the Great Emblotchment about how "and Emblotchment spread throughout the Universe and thus we all became Emblotched, it was started accidentally by William Pitt the Elder.”

HUTCHBACK

Ah

DR. NOSTRUM

It just seemed to be, er, (pause) him.

HUTCHBACK

Or someone pretending to be him.

DR. NOSTRUM

Someone pretending to be him. Which seems pointless

HUTCHBACK

Why pretend to be Will Self when you could pretend to be, you know, George Bush Senior?

DR. NOSTRUM

Are you recording?

HUTCHBACK

Yes, I’m recording. This is a recording.

(They leave the HUTCHBACK's lair, the hated Blue Van is parked just down the street a little)

HUTCHBACK

You see I’m so paranoid now about the Blue Van that I get nervous when I think, ‘Well, how long am I going for?’

DR. NOSTRUM

Thinking he’s going to move it back in.

HUTCHBACK

‘Will he be looking out of his window...

DR. NOSTRUM

Waiting for you.

HUTCHBACK

...waiting for his moment so he can reverse into my space and break down again. The cunt. The Great Emblotchment.
(They get onto the HUTCHBACK's Trap, the search for tools has begun)

HUTCHBACK

Should I go to a Corporate Megastore..

DR. NOSTRUM

No! It doesn’t matter, anywhere.

HUTCHBACK

No, no, I’m not asking you...

DR. NOSTRUM

Ok.

HUTCHBACK

...I’m debating it out loud...

DR. NOSTRUM

Well...

HUTCHBACK

...deciding whether to give my money to a Corporate Megastore..

DR. NOSTRUM

...don’t debate it out loud, just debate it internally and turn up somewhere.

HUTCHBACK

No, well, either I go left or.. oh, I’m going straight on. cos now this is more of a random drive, than an actual focused..

DR. NOSTRUM

What, are you just going to drive until you see a Bee and queue?

HUTCHBACK

No, no, I know where the Bee and Queue is..

DR. NOSTRUM

Well there’s one every 600 yards.

HUTCHBACK

Particularly on this stretch of road. No. You know what, I’m being an idiot there is a Tool shop just down the road.

DR. NOSTRUM

So you go in there and say “I need a tool.”

HUTCHBACK

I need a tool, can you help me? I’m missing a tool.

DR. NOSTRUM

And he brings out a row of, er, characters, from the back of the shop. (pause) So what..

HUTCHBACK

Along with one slightly, slightly used penis.

DR. NOSTRUM

What is the..

HUTCHBACK

Oh, that was quite good.. Oh, sorry, go on.

DR. NOSTRUM

What will this tool be used for?

HUTCHBACK

I just want a tool.

DR. NOSTRUM

That will both butter my toast and unscrew a light bulb.

HUTCHBACK

And make my wife love me, again. (pause) See, now I’ve forgotten what I was going to say, you see, that’s the problem.

DR. NOSTRUM

No, it’s not a problem, cos if it’s good enough it’ll come back.

HUTCHBACK

No, it isn’t good enough, it’s actually something I wanted to say.

DR. NOSTRUM

Oh (pause) something about tools? Something about a tool that you need?

HUTCHBACK

No. If I’d have interrupted your interruption I’d have been alright.

DR. NOSTRUM

Yeah, but it can’t have been.. Nothing is important. (pause) Really.

HUTCHBACK

In the great words of Freddie Mercury.

DR. NOSTRUM

Is that what he said?

HUTCHBACK

(a near miss whilst driving) Ooooh!

DR. NOSTRUM

D’you ever have that opinion that Talk radio is just a lot of people’s opinions about stuff.

HUTCHBACK

I don’t think that’s so much an opinion as a statement of fact.

DR. NOSTRUM

It just seems that when I think about how they promote themselves and then they’ve got all these programmes relentlessly on where people call in and tell you what they think about things. It’s just, all they are is just a series of people calling up and telling you what they think about things, it’s just a waste of time.

HUTCHBACK

Mm.

DR. NOSTRUM

It’s really pointless. I mean the idea of broadcasting that... as if people calling you up and telling you what they’re thinking is worth broadcasting to the nation...

HUTCHBACK

It’s a public service.

DR. NOSTRUM

...It’s a crazy idea.

HUTCHBACK

It’s a public service.

DR. NOSTRUM

It seems that the chief quality required by the DJ is the ability to say, “I just need to hurry you up there.” (pause) Um, this is where I was driving down where I saw a guy wheeling a gurney with a body on it...

HUTCHBACK

Really

DR. NOSTRUM

...under a sheet, yeah.

HUTCHBACK

See, there you go, ‘Local Ironmongers’. You don’t see Ironmongers much anymore, do you?

DR. NOSTRUM

I don’t know how you monger iron anyway.

HUTCHBACK

(irate member of the public voice) “Stop mongering that iron, yer bastard! Didn’t anyone tell you it was rude?”

DR. NOSTRUM

I wonder what the difference between mongering iron and fish is? Not much.

HUTCHBACK

Yep

DR. NOSTRUM

It’s all in the display.

HUTCHBACK

(musing) Mongering.

DR. NOSTRUM

There aren’t many mongers. It’s not.. There’s no.. there’s no Greenmonger...

HUTCHBACK

Well no, but the.. the...

DR. NOSTRUM

They’re grocers.

HUTCHBACK

But then what does a Warmonger do?

DR. NOSTRUM

He lays all the wars out...

HUTCHBACK

Yeah, puts out a nice bit of green baize, sort of a green artificial grass, erm, price’s it up, and um, and then you get, you get your...

DR. NOSTRUM

Dictators coming in buying ‘em up.

HUTCHBACK

And then you buy it by the pound.

DR. NOSTRUM

“How much is your 1914-18?”

HUTCHBACK

“How much is the, um, Crimea? Nice bit of Crimea.”