DR. NOSTRUM
I fear what most people will do is just roam the streets looking for food, in which case it’ll have been an advantage being a bin man cos you’d know where to look.
HUTCHBACK
So bin men will become the...
DR. NOSTRUM
The hunter-gatherers.
HUTCHBACK
...guru’s for the new age.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, no.
HUTCHBACK
They’ll be the wise..
DR. NOSTRUM
They’ll be just underneath Ray Mears.
HUTCHBACK
Alright, but they’ll be consulted, they’ll be able to charge..
DR. NOSTRUM
Now That..! No, wait a minute! That is one of the predictions that is reasonably obvious, is that people who forage will become leaders of the new age.
HUTCHBACK
Yes, absolutely.
DR. NOSTRUM
So your new age, you’re actually envisaging the Apocalypse, the complete breakdown...
TOGETHER
...of society...
DR. NOSTRUM
...So how do you make money out of it?
HUTCHBACK
...that’s a little bit extreme.. What do you mean how do you make money out of it?
DR. NOSTRUM
(poking fun at HUTCHBACK’s new catchphrase) Is it a business?
HUTCHBACK
Is it a business? I don’t.. I don’t th.. alright, it might happen but I don’t think so. I think what’s nore likely is that there are lots of people who lose their jobs, that’s clearly going to happen.. Make yourself another tea.
DR. NOSTRUM
Right, but if you could teach hunter-gatherer techniques to all these people who lose their jobs..
HUTCHBACK
Urban hunter-gatherer techniques, that would be a big boon.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, you could do it as a government scheme. For all the people who are out of work you send them on schemes...
HUTCHBACK
And you know who becomes...
DR. NOSTRUM
...to learn how to become Ray Mears.
HUTCHBACK
...No, you know who become the real figureheads, the CEO’s; Tramps. Tramps.
DR. NOSTRUM
Who’ve been doing it..
HUTCHBACK
They’ve been doing it for years! They know more than bin men. They definitely know more than bin men. So, suddenly, society gets inverted and the people at the top are Tramps.
DR. NOSTRUM
So this is our..
HUTCHBACK
So this is our second prediction: Takeover of the Tramps.
DR. NOSTRUM
Ok, we got there quicker this time. So prediction number two is that the world order is turned on its head and that Tramps become the leaders of the New Society.
HUTCHBACK
Because they have all the skills needed to survive the recession. The oncoming onslaught.
DR. NOSTRUM
Ok.
HUTCHBACK
And it’ll actually become a desirable career path for children who are growing up, you know, “Son, you really need to work hard on your foraging and your begging techniques..
DR. NOSTRUM
No, there’s no-one to beg from, so maybe it isn’t tramps?
HUTCHBACK
No, but foraging, they’ve got foraging down pat, oh yeah, rummaging through bins. Except no-one will have any rubbish...
DR. NOSTRUM
No, wait a minute...
HUTCHBACK
...there won’t be any rubbish any more, that’s the problem...
DR. NOSTRUM
...Maybe...
HUTCHBACK
...that’s where this thing falls apart...
DR. NOSTRUM
...but maybe, you know...
HUTCHBACK
...is that people won’t have anything to buy so they won’t have anything to throw away.
DR. NOSTRUM
...as a sideline to the prediction industry is the TV thing, which, is not, you know, Ray Mears Bushcraft, but, you know, Ray Mears...
TOGETHER
...Bincraft.
HUTCHBACK
Ray Mears Bincraft!
DR. NOSTRUM
And it wouldn’t be Ray Mears it would be..
HUTCHBACK
It would be, you know, Uncle Barney, or whoever...
DR. NOSTRUM
It’s a weekly TV series.
HUTCHBACK
Johnny Hull’s Bincraft.
DR. NOSTRUM
(recognising the name of the well known North of England Tramp of some repute from the dim past) There you go, Johnny Hull’s Bincraft. So even if we don’t have the correct prediction for society, we’ve got a potential television series.
HUTCHBACK
Tramp CEO’s, which actually is in the script come to think of it, but we’ve actually worked out how it could happen.
DR. NOSTRUM
No. Yeah, well, no.
HUTCHBACK
We now have a logical framework for Tramp CEO’s to exist, because before, it was just blind luck.
DR. NOSTRUM
Ok.
HUTCHBACK
Whereas now it’s perfectly logical.
DR. NOSTRUM
In this..
HUTCHBACK
In this future prediction, for there to be Tramp CEO’s.
DR. NOSTRUM
Donald Tramp.
HUTCHBACK
But what do they get paid in?
DR. NOSTRUM
Cardboard boxes.
HUTCHBACK
Cardboard boxes and rotting food.
DR. NOSTRUM
No. There’s no-one to pay them.
HUTCHBACK
No, no. They will get paid.
DR. NOSTRUM
By who?
HUTCHBACK
They’ll have..
DR. NOSTRUM
What do tramps earn?
HUTCHBACK
...they’ll have donations. They’re so important that all the under-tramps will donate some of their foraging. There, because they’re teaching them all the skills.
DR. NOSTRUM
Ok, well, as you pointed out, it’s mainly a post opalyptic, er..
HUTCHBACK
It’s post apocalyptic.
DR. NOSTRUM
...apocalyptic society.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah. So, you know, they give their..
DR. NOSTRUM
So the first prediction is the Apocalyse! (disappointedly) But lots of people have been predicting that. So, it’s not the Apocalypse, though, it’s just the re-distribution of wealth. (pause) Hmm. I think that maybe a more reasonable prediction for 2009...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, because that one is slightly unreasonable.
DR. NOSTRUM
...is that that becomes part of the curriculum.
HUTCHBACK
Tramp studies.
DR. NOSTRUM
Bincraft, I suppose.
HUTCHBACK
Bincraft
DR. NOSTRUM
Yes, Bincraft becomes part of the curriculum, as well as maths and English and all that. That seems alright for 2009, and then as it progresses...
(pause – The DR. is distracted by the sports ticker on the TV)
Sasa Papac. Sasa Papac. That’s good. He’s got an ‘a’ every other letter.
HUTCHBACK
Sasa Papac. Yes, good. It would be good if Sasa was his middle name and Asa was his first name.
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