All Talk 53 - A Gap In The Murder Business

DR. NOSTRUM

So, your idea for a Dragon’s Den business is good, you know, murdering.

HUTCHBACK

Yeah

DR. NOSTRUM

I like it, he comes in with someone and he murders them, you know, he kills them, the panel say “Well, it’s very efficient, it’s quite good.” And he says “Well, I can do a lot of it.”

HUTCHBACK

Yeah “But what kind of annual turnover do you think you can get out of that?” “Well, I reckon I could charge 10 grand...”

DR. NOSTRUM

Mm

HUTCHBACK

“...10 grand’s a reasonable amount for a murder, depending on the, you know, er, the difficulty, maybe up to 30. I reckon I could do one a night, maybe two a night.”

DR. NOSTRUM

I like your two-fer, you know, 9 and you get the 10th one free.

HUTCHBACK

Yeah, and then, “Yeah, we have a loyalty scheme. If someone has had me murder 9 people, you get the 10th one free.”

DR. NOSTRUM

Or if you do a family?

HUTCHBACK

Yeah, “If you do a big family, we’ll...

DR. NOSTRUM

..throw in the Grandma

HUTCHBACK

...throw in the children.” Yeah, “throw in the Grandma.”

DR. NOSTRUM

We’ve got, er...

HUTCHBACK

“Maybe witnesses?”

DR. NOSTRUM

There’s that thing, you know, having watched the programme, one of the things the really don’t like is when they ask them weel, what is the money for? You know, they ask them to break down the money and he says “Well, you know I’d want 30 grand out of that for me..” and they hate that and they’re “So you want me to pay you, just to pay you to live? I’m not putting any money into the business...”

HUTCHBACK

What about the marketing?

DR. NOSTRUM

Yeah all that, “I hate that selfishness in people, you want to take my money, my children’s money...” That fucking Theo Paphites, yeah, I’m sure he’s giving his children money every saying “This is your money that I’m not giving to people on Dragon’s Den.”

HUTCHBACK

Yeah, they’re saying “So you’re not putting any money into your equipment, you know, you’re starting off with a knife. How much volume can you get with that? Surely you want to be expanding your operation, going into machine guns...”

DR. NOSTRUM

Taking on apprentices.

HUTCHBACK

...yeah, “taking on staff...”

DR. NOSTRUM

Yeah, for the British market, those business ideas are good...

HUTCHBACK

“How are you going to franchise it? You need to franchise it out” We want to be able to get the hat, the bag...

DR. NOSTRUM

You know, the person that’s pitching, you’d pixilated their face. You’d do it properly. Re-animating dead people’s not a bad one.

HUTCHBACK

Hmm.

DR. NOSTRUM

It’s not a business idea though. Murdering’s a good business idea.

HUTCHBACK

It’s good.

DR. NOSTRUM

Assassins. It’s a business.

HUTCHBACK

Yeah. “But rather than just being a hired murderer, we’re intending to give a full service. 24 hour hotline...” you know all that.

DR. NOSTRUM

Yeah.

HUTCHBACK

“Money back guarantee, service with a smile.”

DR. NOSTRUM

Mm.

HUTCHBACK

I reckon that would be quite a good business.

DR. NOSTRUM

Well, I think it is a good business. Probably, it is a good business.

HUTCHBACK

Sure.

DR. NOSTRUM

What other businesses are there like that? Whore house I s’pose?

HUTCHBACK

Prostitution, yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM

Porn films?

HUTCHBACK

Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM

Well bringing someone on and murdering them’s a good pitch. “I enjoyed your presentation.”

HUTCHBACK

“It was a very arresting presentation.”

DR. NOSTRUM

“We like you as a person.”

HUTCHBACK

Yeah. “I’d hire you, but I don’t think your projections are in any way realistic. How you think you can value your business at 2 million pounds is beyond me. Go away, do your sums, kill a few more people, get a bit better at it...”

DR. NOSTRUM

Some publicity.

HUTCHBACK

“...get your advertising right, then come back.” “You’re telling me people aren’t just going to go out and murder their own victims, see, that’s where it all falls apart.”

DR. NOSTRUM

Yeah, “Why should they come to you?”

HUTCHBACK

“Why should they come to you? Surely any murderous thug would go out and kill their own victim?”

DR. NOSTRUM

Mm. It is cheaper. But there are pitfalls. So, you know, that’s probably one of the advantages of the business, if you can point out how you keep the identity of the client completely anonymous...

HUTCHBACK

Mm

DR. NOSTRUM

“Oh, no, it works, because we don’t know the identity of the client.” That probably would be a good idea, in terms of murdering, if you don’t know who’s asking you to kill someone. Why don’t they do that in films? That’s where it always falls down, that the murderer knows who it is who’s hired them.

HUTCHBACK

No, that isn’t where it falls down. It falls down because usually the person being murdered has some connection with the person doing the murdering.

DR. NOSTRUM

But, what if you set up a business for just random murders?

HUTCHBACK

Random murders?! Just go out and murder someone just for fun? Just for fun? Yeah, that would work, but, a bit pointless really. It’s like, basically, “Are you a homicidal maniac? Yes? To scared to do your own murder, then come to us. We’ll do it for you. We’ll kill a random person...

DR. NOSTRUM

That’s right.

HUTCHBACK

...and it will never get back to you. We’ll just send you the video”.

DR. NOSTRUM

That’s probably a business.

HUTCHBACK

And that’s your business.

DR. NOSTRUM

See, that’s an advance on Assassination and it’s quite current.

HUTCHBACK

Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM

You present it as a vicarious pleasure business.

HUTCHBACK

Mm. Mm.

DR. NOSTRUM

I’m not sure about posting the video to someone. I think you’d probably want to leave it. No, but they’d want to know you did it.

HUTCHBACK

Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM

Otherwise you could just sit there with the money.

HUTCHBACK

No, you could just put it up on YouTube.

DR. NOSTRUM

YouTube? That’s alright.

HUTCHBACK

Perfect.

DR. NOSTRUM

And if you cut at the right moment, there’s nothing criminal about it.

HUTCHBACK

(witheringly) Except the person on the video then was found dead somewhere.

DR. NOSTRUM

No, but that’s alright. Well, no, I suppose it’s not alright.

HUTCHBACK

(mimicking) “That’s alright, we can get around that.” No, well, what you do then, is get some other random person to put the video up on YouTube, via another random person. So you’re just paying someone to pay someone to put a video up on YouTube. And they don’t know what the video’s of.

DR. NOSTRUM

No, but I remember Inspector Quantum saying that, apart from the most important thing in Homeland Security being the quality of the Airbed you’ve got, all that jealousy going on in Homeland Security about whether you’ve got a foot-pump or a compressor for you air bed..

HUTCHBACK

Well, it’s very important.

DR. NOSTRUM

It is very important, when you’re trying to keep peace in the world. It’s either terrifying or very reassuring to think that the people trying to kill us are the same as Inspector Quantum, I’m not sure which. Anyway, no, random murdering, he was saying that that is where it falls down, that mostly they know, people know the people they kill...

HUTCHBACK

Mm.

DR. NOSTRUM

...and it’s easier to catch them because of that. But if you don’t know who you’re hiring and you don’t know who they’re killing, that is not bad. That’s not a bad premise for a business.

HUTCHBACK

I think we’ve got a business there.