DR. NOSTRUM
So, basically, that Neutrogena hand cream is a by-product product, isn't it? It's all the stuff on the floor; they stuff it in a vat, boil it and then sell it to us to put on our hands.
HUTCHBACK
It's this old one again. You know what, you can make an entire...
DR. NOSTRUM
Universe
HUTCHBACK
...Economy out of all the stuff...
DR. NOSTRUM
On the floor.
HUTCHBACK
...on the floor all swept up and turned into something else.
DR. NOSTRUM
By-product products is a definite industry, I don't know how long it's been going,
probably always...
HUTCHBACK
It's like the lampshade industry out of Auschwitz.
DR. NOSTRUM
Skin.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Bits of skin. So the Nazi's had a by-product industry actually...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, they were quite innovative.
DR. NOSTRUM
Why didn't they just throw it all away? That's the thing.
HUTCHBACK
You know...
DR. NOSTRUM
What was the point of keeping any of it? Very Jewish actually.
HUTCHBACK
It's for prestige isn't it? You know, if you had a Jew-skin...
DR. NOSTRUM
Actually, thinking about that, it wasn't Jews, but.. cos that's not popular – maybe in the medieval times it was – but, um...
HUTCHBACK
"I've got a Jew-skin rug"
DR. NOSTRUM
Anyway, true story; Aristotle Onasis...
HUTCHBACK
Cos they do have quite.. have hairy chests.
DR. NOSTRUM
Hairy Jews were in danger! They were an endangered species.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, I mean, it's quite a nice rug.
DR. NOSTRUM
Hairy Back. So if you had a very hairy back – a Jewish hairy back...
HUTCHBACK
They were highly prized.
DR. NOSTRUM
...you wanted to shave your back, otherwise, if the inquisition got hold of you, you'd be for it. You'd be ending up on...
HUTCHBACK
You'd be in at least one, if not two, living rooms. Depends how hairy your chest was.
(pause) I guess, but the thing is, they're not big enough really.
DR. NOSTRUM
No. But maybe toilet mats?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, toilet mats and bathroom mats.
DR. NOSTRUM
Much more appropriate. (pause) But anyway, Aristotle Onasis had whale foreskin leather bar stools.
HUTCHBACK
Nice.
DR. NOSTRUM
Isn't that classy? I mean where do you get whale foreskins from?
HUTCHBACK
From whales. From Jewish whales.
DR. NOSTRUM
But who.. I mean the thing is...
HUTCHBACK
You get a Great White Moyl and he takes of the foreskin with.. (mimes a bite)
DR. NOSTRUM
With his teeth. (pause) I always sang "Moon river, wider than a Moyl." Didn't mean anything, but it sings well. But, (back to Aristotle) what I didn't get was that that was presented as if that was tasteful...
HUTCHBACK
The height...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. That somehow that's what great wealth allowed you to do and it was something to aspire to.
HUTCHBACK
Maybe it's very, very soft leather.
DR. NOSTRUM
It probably was.
HUTCHBACK
The foreskin.
DR. NOSTRUM
The foreskin of a whale, well, it's not leather is it? It's something like chagreen.
HUTCHBACK
Chagreen! No, it's some kind of.. It's whale skin, isn't it.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well it's not called leather.
HUTCHBACK
Alright, but it's thick hide. Whale foreskin. You'd have thought that a better, a more supple material, would be not the foreskin but the tip of the penis.
DR. NOSTRUM
Cause it's more sensitive?
HUTCHBACK
It's more sensitive.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, but not to the person sitting on the stool.
HUTCHBACK
No...
DR. NOSTRUM
It's just more sensitive to the whale, it might not be better quality leather.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, but foreskin, exposed to the sea – barnacles...
DR. NOSTRUM
No, cause it's inside of it, isn't it? Presumably they weren't circumcised, so, you know...
HUTCHBACK
Who knows whether it's the inside or the outside.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, it's the inside isn't it, cause the foreskin..
HUTCHBACK
It could be the outside.
DR. NOSTRUM
Only if it had an erection.
HUTCHBACK
No, what are you talking about, the foreskin just sits there, exposed (pause) to the elements.
DR. NOSTRUM
Hmm.
HUTCHBACK
You know.
DR. NOSTRUM
I'm not sure it does. In a whale I think it's inside a pouch.
HUTCHBACK
How do you know so much about whale foreskins?!
DR. NOSTRUM
I don't, no, it's cos I'm thinking about dolphin penises. They come out (pause) and when they're not out, they're in.
HUTCHBACK
Yes, that's true.
DR. NOSTRUM
They're not dogs, they're not hanging out there for all to see, they're inside.
HUTCHBACK
Well of course, cause it's not aerodynamic.
DR. NOSTRUM
They could use it like a rudder!
HUTCHBACK
So in reality, they don't have foreskins as such, not in the conventional sense. They have a cover...
DR. NOSTRUM
Well apparently they were made from whale foreskin.
HUTCHBACK
Oh, for the internet. If we had the internet we could look it up now.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, but this is the 1980's, so you can't.
HUTCHBACK
Yes, this is the 1980's.
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