25/11/08
Hutchback
(beat) we could talk briefly about the football – that's kind of boring.
Dr. Nostrum
The football?
Hutchback
Well, you know, Henry back to Arsenal and all that
Dr. Nostrum (totally uninterested)
Yeah
Hutchback
Avram Grant...
Dr. Nostrum (perking up)
Ah now, Avram Grant's quite interesting, cos I believe, Avram Gra.. if you cross Avram Grant with Ray Wilkins, you've got almost the entire cast of The Munsters, you know, in one person, so, um, that's not bad. If you put a blonde wig on one of them, they could do the..
Hutchback
And in fact Didier Drogba is not that far away – if he just was a different skin colour...
Dr. Nostrum
Right?
Hutchback
...he would look quite a bit like the wife.
Dr. Nostrum
Blonde hair...(pause) I can't rememeber...
Hutchback
She wasn't blonde, she had black hair
Dr. Nostrum
Oh, black hair, Elvira.
Hutchback
Yeah, that kind of look, cos he's...
Dr. Nostrum
She had a widow's peak.
Hutchback
...he's got the hair, he's definitely got the hair.
Dr. Nostrum
I thought she had long straight black hair?
Hutchback
So does he
Dr. Nostrum
Does he?
Hutchback
Yeah, it is now.
Dr. Nostrum
Oh, he straightens it then?
Hutchback
Yeah
Dr. Nostrum
Presumably
Hutchback
Yeah, you know (pause) he looks quite fetching really (pause) for an ugly cheating cunt.
Dr. Nostrum
I, I, I've quite enjoyed.. I have quite enjoyed seeing Avram grant on the sidelines. He's got a very, very (pause) evil (pause) face.
Hutchback
He is a bit like a Bond villain. He is, yeah, that's be quite good, he'd be like the slightly, um...
Dr. Nostrum
Him and the Pope.
Hutchback
...the slightly perverted Bond villain.
Dr. Nostrum
Mm
Hutchback
The one who had a kind of strange, er, sexual orientation that you, you're never quite sure the sort of, er, Goldfinger type who quite wanted to get Bond tied down on a..
Dr. Nostrum
And there can't be – similarly, there can't be, having gone back to that, there can't be many men who've undergone a (pause) worse (pause) ageing process than Ray Wilkins?
Hutchback
Yeah, cause he does look about 80.
Dr. Nostrum
Yeah, he kind of looks like Nosferatu, which he could become and that's the thing – he used to be a young, er, fop, well, he was never a fop, but he definitely had hair
Hutchback
He did. When he had hair, he was quite dashing I would say.
Dr. Nostrum
Yeah
Hutchback
Yes. And he now looks like a fucking egg.
Dr. Nostrum
He does look kind of weird.
Hutchback
He looks like a fucking egg with ears.
Dr. Nostrum
What's the other one, who's the other one that looks like Nosferatu? (Jim Rosenthal- ed)
Hutchback
Erm, Iain Dowie?
Dr. Nostrum
Oh, now he looks like Frankenstien. You have, you've got quite a cast of characters. If you could get those 3 on a panel... When Avram Grant's been sacked, or, whatever, replaced...
Hutchback
He's the Grandfather
Dr. Nostrum
Yeah! He's the Grandfather and you've got Uncle Fester is Ray Wilkins and you've got Iain Dowie who's the tall one at the back...
Hutchback
Yeah...
Dr. Nostrum
...if you darken his hair.
Hutchback
That would work.
Dr. Nostrum
And then you have Karen Brady, not that I know what she looks like, but, er, she does have a scar on her head somewhere so... I presume.
Hutchback
Mm.
Dr. Nostrum
Oh, no, they do it with a Gamma knife, so you can't even get that far – fucking Gamma Knife's! Anyway...
Hutchback
Gamma Knife? What happened to all the other one's, The Alpha, Beta, were they all failed...
Dr. Nostrum
They're early versions that they, er, tried out on prisoners.
Hutchback
Unfortunately they killed everyone they came into contact with.
Dr. Nostrum
Yeah
Hutchback
Yeah, (beat) ooh look, there's some Greyhounds.
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