HUTCHBACK
So, who maps this Universe business?
DR. NOSTRUM
(trying to concentrate on become younger) What Universe is that? Oh, you've got the second bit of the Universe.
HUTCHBACK
Something quite (pause) remarkable. That in, well, I guess (very long pause) nought point nought, nought, nought, nought etcetera, etcetera, for 43 nought's, one, of a second.. Between 0.000 43 zeroes, one of a second and 0.00000 35 zeroes, point one of a second...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah
HUTCHBACK
...the Universe expanded from the size of a pea to the entire size of the Universe that we can visibly see.
DR. NOSTRUM
How do they know that?
HUTCHBACK
Good question! They don't say how they know it, but they know it.
DR. NOSTRUM
See, I actually think - I wonder about this, and I wonder about this thing, this thing they're doing in Cern – is that, if they're about to create the universe, isn't that a bad idea?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah. Well, it would be, especially if they create a whole load of, you know, new.. like, another earth – a very small earth, with very small human beings on it as well and all that.
DR. NOSTRUM
I'm getting heavier and heavier! I don't understand this, I even took my socks off. (WII 'communicates' with the DR in muted musical tones) Ok. (and again) No I don't, I want to get my age right. (HUTCHBACK laughs at the WII's refusal to assist the DR in getting his age down) I want to get my age sub-washing machine. (more WII) Ok. (He starts again)
HUTCHBACK
You see, all this Universe stuff, the first 20 minutes were very interesting, after the Big Bang...
DR. NOSTRUM
Mm-hmm
HUTCHBACK
...and then not much really happened for about 9 billion years, so, um, that's, you know? Actually, I'm being a bit unfair, I was being a bit unfair to the Universe there.
DR. NOSTRUM
What, it did it quicker?
HUTCHBACK
Er, no. When I said, when I said that nothing really interesting happened for the first 9 billion years, that's not strictly true.
DR. NOSTRUM
Ok.
HUTCHBACK
Er, in the first 200 million years, pretty much, nothing much happened.
DR. NOSTRUM
Mm-hmm.
HUTCHBACK
Then some stars appeared. After 200 million years.
DR. NOSTRUM
(wistfully) It's a long time isn't it?
HUTCHBACK
It's a hell of a long time for nothing to happen!
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, we get bored if nothing happens for about 25 minutes.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Can you imagine how bored...
HUTCHBACK
How bored the Universe must've been!
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.
HUTCHBACK
(imitates The Universe) "Whooahh, Fuckin' 'ell! (pause) Still just gas, (pause) still, bloody gas...
DR. NOSTRUM
...I can't, I can't get rid of this gas...
HUTCHBACK
"... I can't bear it, another 100 million years of this! (pause) Just loads of fucking gas"
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh well.
HUTCHBACK
Erm.
DR. NOSTRUM
Maybe, I suppose the Universe is a very patient place. I think.. I have a deep suspicion that almost all.. the sum of all human knowledge about everything can..
HUTCHBACK
Can be contained in one small pamphlet.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, not just that, but, you know, the sum of human knowledge about everything, er, that actually isn't a human experience, is (pause) guesswork, it's complete rubbish, it's probably complete rubbish.
HUTCHBACK
Well, no, the.. they, they've, they, they, they're pretty, they're pretty g.. errrrrr...
DR. NOSTRUM
Well yeah, but how do we know?
HUTCHBACK
...they're pretty sure of this stuff.
DR. NOSTRUM
How.. Yeah they are, they.. I'm sure, they're dead sure, nothing happened for 200 Million years, and we know that because: Someone told us.
HUTCHBACK
It's cause it's in...
DR. NOSTRUM
It's written in the Guardian pamphlet
TOGETHER
...it's in the Guardian pamphlet.
HUTCHBACK
Written by the BNP:
DR. NOSTRUM
And then.. That's right, nothing happens for 200 million years, and then, er...
HUTCHBACK
And then...
DR. NOSTRUM
And then a white man with, errrr, a midland accent was invented.
HUTCHBACK
And then.. and then the darkies came over and started fucking up our country.
DR. NOSTRUM
Right. Which caused a lot of trouble for 6 billion years.
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