DR. NOSTRUM
I was thinking, in good taste actually, that bloke in Austria who, er, imprisoned his daughter and had kids by her, er, that there must be a lot of people out there with their children imprisoned who they’ve had kids with, they’re sitting in fear. Cause you know, with the Austrians saying, “This can never happen again!” they’re thinking, you know, “Blimey, they’re starting to catch us.”
HUTCHBACK
Yup.
DR. NOSTRUM
Can you imagine the internal panic of the people out there who are doing this, knowing one of their brethren got caught. Who else would it actually bother? I don’t think it’ll bother anyone else that he got caught.
HUTCHBACK
Yes. But, unfortunately the police weren’t really on the case.
DR. NOSTRUM
I don’t see how they could have been on the case though.
HUTCHBACK
No, unfortunately they weren’t on the case. The fact that they, um, neglected to, um..
DR. NOSTRUM
(he’s forgotten to honour HUTCHBACK’s rule to remove all shoes in the cellar) Do you have to take your shoes off if you sit still?
HUTCHBACK
Yes. They.. the fact that they neglected to do any kind of surveillance on the ‘Dungeon Children Support Group’ that he ran...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.
HUTCHBACK
...you know, like a social club...
DR. NOSTRUM
Social experiment.
HUTCHBACK
...Social club for people who like imprisoning their children...
DR. NOSTRUM
See, I imagine there is a network.
HUTCHBACK
...and then meet up every, er, couple of months...
DR. NOSTRUM
And have a wife swap parties.
HUTCHBACK
...and swap children; children swapping parties. You know, here’s the keys to my dungeon, you give me the keys to.. Yeah, just basically you have a bowl and, um, you pick the keys out of the bowl and that’s the cellar you go to that night. They probably have them.
(long pause)
DR. NOSTRUM
Odd thing to do...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
...in some ways, you know, really. I was thinking that maybe what it was, was that the guy just couldn’t, er, kill them, so he had to keep them alive...
DR. NOSTRUM
He couldn’t bring himself to kill them...
DR. NOSTRUM
No. that’s what I was thinking.
HUTCHBACK
...cause he was..
DR. NOSTRUM
Too kind.
HUTCHBACK
He was too kind. Too nice. He was just that little bit too nice.
DR. NOSTRUM
He couldn’t go the whole hog. Cause M said to me that she couldn’t think of anything worse, but, of course it could have been a lot worse, (pause for thought) you know, it can always be worse. That’s the lesson, it can always be worse.
HUTCHBACK
Everything. Anything. No matter how bad something is, there’s always something worse.
DR. NOSTRUM
That’s right.
HUTCHBACK
What’s the worst..
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, you get a lot of time for contemplation, er, in those circumstances, I suppose, the girl.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah. You know, you’re living with, basically, er, a group of incest born half-wits..
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, we don’t know that, they might be very smart.
HUTCHBACK
No, but probably...
DR. NOSTRUM
Troglodytes.
HUTCHBACK
Troglodytes, who can’t speak, who are your children, you know. (the DOCTOR chuckles) You know, it’s kind of (pause) Anthropology. It’s like living Anthropology.
DR. NOSTRUM
Actually, the picture of the guy, he does look evil. He had killers eyes...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
...like the Pope, er, except he wasn’t a killer so there’s a lie there, somewhere.
HUTCHBACK
He had Dungeon Master’s Eyes.
DR. NOSTRUM
Dungeon Master’s Eyes. He had a good head of hair though
HUTCHBACK
He had a fine moustache...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah
HUTCHBACK
...and a good head of hair. In fact, his daughter might have fancied him in different circumstances, you never know.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, if he was a younger man, (pause) well, he was once.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, when she was a younger girl.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, but tastes change.
HUTCHBACK
Well, when you get to a certain age a good head of hair...
DR. NOSTRUM
Important. No, but I thought...
HUTCHBACK
...it’s quite a plus point.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, but the thing is, he just ran out of steam, the guy. If he’d have just persisted for another 10 years, he’d have been dead and no-one would have known.
HUTCHBACK
They'd have all...
DR. NOSTRUM
Rotted...
HUTCHBACK
...starved to death.
DR. NOSTRUM
...starved to death and no-one would have known, ever, until they dug it up, like that school in Jersey. Oh, no, lots of people knew about that.
HUTCHBACK
They all just kept it quiet. Yeah, well, ok, there you go.
DR. NOSTRUM
So, there we go.
HUTCHBACK
Life’s a big shit sandwich, sprinkled with urine.
DR. NOSTRUM
Not pleasant really; comedy out of misery, but...
HUTCHBACK
No, but all comedy comes from misery.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, and do you think the more miserable it is, the funnier it is?
HUTCHBACK
No. In our case, no.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, whose case would it be yes?
HUTCHBACK
Well, let’s say...
DR. NOSTRUM
If you were a Nazi party comedian making great humor out of when you pulled out the teeth of your former friends...
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