Keegan To Manage Mental Patients 11

03/09/08

Because of the sensitivity of some fans of the football team from Newcastle I shall tone down the language here. Kevin Keegan is of course only fit to manage the best eleven you could choose from any mental hospital. I should know, I've been there. For a hospital team your sole aim is the enjoyment of the game and the benefit all get from being involved. You could be a manic depressive on the wing, distraught at life on the fringes of the team, but King Kev would soon have you in the thick of midfield, tigerishly tackling and flooding you with the confidence of competition met face to face instead of being dependent on the largesse of others. Should you have a manic phase you may well burst through on your own and the team will surely follow. A schizophrenic could be a perfect utility player in his or her different states, goalkeeper, full back or big number nine, it's all in the mind. Ron Atkinson, that famous usurper of racial steriotyping, had it right when the concussed player, not knowing who he was, was told he was Pele and sent back to battle.

Not even the anorexic has a tough time in Keegan's team, 3 stone and on dialysis? No matter, for you would soon find yourself defended on the steps of the hospital with enough gusto to swallow a mouthful of gruel and launch into a 2 minute time-wasting substitution at the end of a game.

It's an unknown whether Keegan would be the same man without his loyal lapdog Terry McDermott. When the football circus, that long help Utopian dream of Keegan's to bring a smile to the world through football played in clowns shoes and greasepaint, needed a lift, he had to look no further than just below his belt, where Terry (wiping away the offending cream) provided the instant inspiration to boldly add the comedy 'tache to the posters.

I do wish him well away from the glare of the media, it is the glare that has blinded him since he put himself in it's way. Yet, nearly like King David, he has clearly amassed great wisdom, but just missed and amassed Norman Wisdom, which is close, but not the same, this is the lesson for all Newcastle fans. Be careful what you wish for.